#// personally I think Heather would be better in the fun zone but her hotness would be higher

[livesguarded]

Hot/Crazy Scale Test

You are 95% hot, 73.33% crazy, which places you in the date zone.

Tagged by: Stolen Tagging: YOU

[houseplant-central]

Yuri Katsuki does a better, more nuanced job of the "clumsy girl" trope than any female character I've ever seen

I will start this off by saying that I DO NOT think the 2016 anime about figure skating "Yuri!!! On Ice" is in any way "good cinema". It's 90% fanservice, fetishization of mlm relationships, and one 16 year old antagonist/ comic relief character being way over-sexualized (Plisetsky, where are your parents?)*.

It has some problems to say the least and I'm certainly not here to hype it up as an example of good writing or an example of good representation.

HOWEVER, Yuri Katsuki's character (the main character of the show) does an interesting thing by very closely conforming to what I would describe as the stereotype of the "clumsy girl".

My childhood and teen years were FULL of "makeover stories". Of narratives in which a nerdy, clumsy, bookish girl gets a makeover by the popular kids, gets contacts instead of glasses, and suddenly becomes a member of this societal elite, escaping former bullying. From the music video for "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry, to (the classic) Mean Girls, to the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, to the Heather's Musical (although Heather's pokes a bit of fun at this trope and how popularity might not work out for you), narratives about a dorky girl who suddenly gets swept up by somebody popular and "taught" how to "be" popular permeated my youth.

Besides just giving my entire generation the incorrect impression that glasses had to be taken off in order of the makeover to be complete, these stories had the strange reverse effect of appealing to girls who felt like they were the "before" of the makeover. If Bella Swan, self described as "too clumsy to play badminton without sustaining an injury" and "too awkward to have friends" could be swept off her feet by the hottest vampire in town because he saw something in her, then there was hope for the rest of us. This sort of idea of "potential" untapped permeates the genre, because the clumsy girl was always pretty, she just needed to take off her glasses, put on some makeup, and gain some self-confidence.

The concept of "untapped potential" is also quite prevalent in the world of sports anime. Again, this makes sense, since a story about a winning athlete just continuing to win would be boring, so naturally works within this genre often start with the athlete at their lowest, and then follow them on their journey to a comeback or newfound fame. The mentor character who gives the athlete life-changing advice is also a staple, and it's easy to see how that mentor character might be similar to Regina George holding the makeup brush in "Mean Girls".

However, the creators of "Yuri on Ice" seemed to want their (questionably fetishizing) romance to over conform to the genre standards so they drop-kicked the mentor character archetype out the window and had Yuri's dreamy coach do much more makeover-ing than athlete-training. Some of this rests at the intersection of the fact that the sport of choice in the series is figure-skating, where your image matters quite a lot, and Viktor being implied to be in love with our fair protagonist Yuri**, but neither of these aspects fully explain how well the writers made this sports anime series fit into the "makeover" genre instead of the "sports anime" genre.

But back to Yuri Katsuki himself. In the first episode, we see him crying in a bathroom. We learn that he has serious issues with self-confidence in his sport and his personal life, and that this materializes in insecurity about his weight. Episode one Yuri fits nearly every aspect of the "clumsy girl" trope: he's socially awkward, quiet, and... well, clumsy. He narrates a lot of the first episode with his own voice, saying he's "a dime a dozen skater" and "totally awkward", a kind of self-narration reminiscent of Bella Swan. While the other characters are dressed in modern clothes, Yuri's in an oversized, comfortable sweater, and has a generally very outdated wardrobe. He doesn't seem to care about how the world perceives him, (or more likely won't make an effort because he's afraid of rejection). Were he a female character, this is what I would call the "not like other girls" trope. We immediately elevate him to a pedestal as the viewers because he's relatable, and in comparison, the other characters seem to be trying too hard. While this is not as prevalent in male characters from the time (because the other male characters surrounding them are rarely well dressed except for maybe one jock the viewers are supposed to hate), it's hard to find a piece of media between 2014 and 2016 with a female lead without this opposition of "main character can't dress but all other female characters are well dressed, clearly they're try-hards." (Ironic, because that main character is about to be well dressed after their makeover, but I digress).

(Yes, this is an issue that's been in media for a long time and will be for a long time still, and yes there are plenty of good examples of stories where the male main character is just "not like other boys" and has to compete in a world where the other boys are all well dressed, but cases of writers doing this to their female characters SKYROCKETED in the few years while I was a younger teen and it was slightly ridiculous).

Anyways, Yuri is insecure and undressed. But he has a heart of gold! Who can help?

Enter mentor character Viktor (who is.... very naked for some reason. Mitsurou Kubo, was that really necessary to subject my eyeballs to?). Viktor is the epitome of high class. He's good-looking, rich, and successful at his sport, and we're told that Yuri has personally idolized him for a long time. While not exactly a Regina George, he does present his offer to help Yuri in a way that implies that Yuri would be a fool not to accept his help; he's the best of the best and he knows it, he's used to hearing it.

Over the next few episodes Yuri is basically forced into a position acting outside his comfort zone preforming a figure skating routine called "Eros". There's a weird but somewhat comedic moment where a frazzled Yuri, hard-pressed to explain what the concept of eros means to him, says that eros means his favourite food, pork katsudon. While comedic, it is to me the very epitome of "clumsy girl": while other female characters might be alluring in their experience, the clumsy girl is appealing to the love interest and appealing to the male gaze because she doesn't "get it", she's not tangled up in the politics of sex like many female characters are written to be, she's different. (I could talk for hours about how problematic this aspect of the "clumsy girl" trope is, the implication that childishness/ lack of experience is attractive is so gross, but I will spare you).

As a whole, this fanservicy nonsense is fairly par for the course, but it's two aspects of the journey to completing the "Eros" program that interests me. We see him eventually go to his friend, who is a dance teacher, and ask her for help on how to move more femininely. This in part is a nod towards his future realization of his sexuality (or not, depending on whether you watched it before or after they retconed his and Viktor's relationship). But as his dance teacher friend shows him how to move with confidence, he fulfills one of the first steps of getting the clumsy girl makeover: somebody shows him how to move in a "sexy" way, and he is miraculously no longer clumsy. The other thing about this figure skating program is his literal makeover: as Regina George had given to Katy before them, Viktor gives Yuri one of his old outfits, which symbolizes the high-class and success that he's supposedly preparing Yuri for. Yuri switches his glasses for contacts (an iconic aspect of the trope), slicks back his hair, and is suddenly more confident.  

As the show progresses Yuri gains more confidence, symbolized not just by his body language but also by his clothing and presentation. He meets a fan of his and has a character changing moment when he realizes that he has a fan who idolizes him like he once idolized Viktor. This realization of new societal power is often a turning point for the clumsy girl finally feeling like she has self-worth, and indeed, Yuri immediately ties a new sense of self-worth to the knowledge that he has fans.

After quite a lot of figure skating animation, fanservice, and a weird subplot about a poodle, Yuri finds a sense of self-worth in the life he's building for himself as a member of "high society" and leader in his sport, no longer relying on outside validation. This, I think is the part that differs from other clumsy girl stories.

Why is this interesting? I think because I'm so very used to seeing female characters get shallow character development in the form of taking their glasses off, letting their hair down, and suddenly being hot, and male characters getting character development in the form of working out in a montage to the eye of the tiger and then getting hot. Despite Yuri basically only doing what female characters often do to become "popular" and no longer nerdy, his character development feels genuine, fuller, and less shallow. For him, his new look genuinely ties to internal character development, whereas in media with women it's usually all about the looks, and the assumption that a changed style must equal a changed character.

Bella Swan from Twilight, Katy from Mean Girls, and Veronica from Heathers all experienced a makeover and new look and implied character development because of a rise in social status (whether they asked for it or not), but ultimately all of them realized the popularity was not what was important to them and they went back to how they "looked" before to symbolize their identity and values shifting back to what they were at the beginning. Yuri ends the series in the fanciest suit we've seen him in yet, dancing with Viktor and excited about the prospects his new high-society life will present him with. His transformation into being self-confident is genuine, and his changing appearance was just a reflection of that internal transformation. Ultimately, I think this plotline is what the original genre of "clumsy girl gets makeover was aiming for", because it is what's most appealing to the viewer: genuine growth and happiness. But all the female "clumsy girl" stories I've seen fell flat of that in one way or another, leading me to very much dislike the trope until "Yuri on Ice" quite accidentally did a good job of it.

* to anyone who's seen this show: yes, I do know what is implied to have happened to Yurio's parents. I'm just a) quoting that vine where the kid goes "wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy" and the reporter goes "where are your parents?" and b) I'm mad that this over-sexualization of Yurio (even within the plot of the series) is something that happens relentlessly to young female characters who've "carved out a place for themselves in an adult world" and also apparently happens to effeminate (implied to be queer) male characters who have done the same thing, and that's not cool either.

**For the sake of my sanity I'll say implied, because though they kiss onscreen, there is apparently much room for debate. The original Japanese cut had them exchange engagement rings near the end of the series, but then both the Japnese version and the English dubbed version ended up having them show off their rings and say "look at our friendship rings". (Ah yes, because I love wearing a matching gold band on my left ring finger with my buddy to show the world what good homies we are (/sarcasm.))

As an interesting aside, in an Uno reverse card moment, the "clumsy girl" trope was made for the male gaze (proof: any trope that talks that much about women putting on less clothing and suddenly becoming hot is 1000% for the male gaze), and was accidentally latched onto by teenage girls. Yuri on Ice was made for the teenage girl gaze (proof: the fetishization of queer men, the pre-existing "boy love" genre that's so popular it has a name), and accidentally fell into the trope of the "clumsy girl".

[davidcarner]

Chuck and Sarah vs the Break Up Ch 4, Modern Day Warrior

A/N: I was asked the other day if I was replacing some of the drama and angst with comedy in this one, and that's probably the best way to describe it. Again, how far we go…(shrugs)…it's fun, I look at an episode, and think, now what would I do. Glad you all like it, but can we talk seriously for a minute, why am I referencing music in every single ch of every story right now? I don't know either, but I do for this one…or the next two, or three. Put your Rush on boys and girls, its Ch 4 Modern Day Warrior.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, and to disagree with Rush, his mind does seem to be for rent…reluctantly of course…

Chuck awoke in his bed, mostly dressed from the late mission last night. He began to change for work, knowing he still had to go to the Buy More, even though he was going to have an amazing cover job soon, and an amazing apartment with an even more amazing girlfriend. He paused for a second, thinking about said girlfriend. He was worried something was wrong with her. He kept hearing strange noises when he was around her and was afraid she might have some serious gastrointestinal problems, that she would be reluctant to share. Chuck shrugged, if crazy gas was Sarah's biggest flaw, he was not going to complain. He sighed, a happy sigh, life was getting better. He walked out of his room, seeing Awesome and Ellie at the breakfast table.

"Are you forgetting something?" Ellie asked. Chuck had no idea. She pointed toward his lip. He reached up, and found the fake mustache.

"Late night, Bro?" Awesome asked. "We heard you stomping around at 4 AM."

"Yeah," Chuck said. "I'm going to love not having to deal with the Buy More soon so if we have one of these I can sleep in a little." Awesome smiled and handed Chuck a glass of green stuff. Chuck was really tired, not thinking, and took a drink. The taste….Awesome was droning on something about yang and it being good for his wang. Chuck shuddered and looked at the two doctors. "So I know this isn't how doctor confidentiality works, but I need to ask you two something about someone and you not tell them."

"What's wrong with Sarah?" Ellie asked, leaning forward, concerned.

"Who said anything about Sarah?" Chuck asked, realizing this might be a bad idea.

"Chuck," she said, looking at him like he was an idiot. "If it was Morgan or Casey you'd just ask, Sarah is the only person you'd try to stealth medicate." Chuck thought for a second and realized she was right.

"Okay, I keep hearing strange noises from around her lately, like a low growl," Chuck said. "I know in the past I told you about her spastic colon, but that isn't true, as far as I know. That was me trying to cover something and not thinking very fast." Ellie was sitting there, amused.

"When do you hear these noises?" she asked, her and Devon sharing a smile.

"The first time, she said she was trying to decide how late we could be for dinner, so I assumed she was hungry," Chuck answered.

"What was going on say ten to fifteen minutes before that?" Ellie asked. Chuck scratched the back of his neck and wondered how he was going to answer it. His ears were starting to turn red. "I need to know to give a proper diagnosis."

"We were talking about all the things we 'despise about each other.'" Chuck said using air quotes. "Like how we tried to stay apart but couldn't due to the things we did to each other."

"What else?" Ellie asked. Chuck looked very uncomfortable.

"You know Sarah is an alias, I told her that it didn't matter what her name was. I knew who she was," Chuck said. Awesome's face was about to burst from the grin, and Ellie was trying not to vibrate out of the chair.

"Chuckster," Awesome said, low and in awe.

"The next time?" Ellie asked, barely able to contain her grin.

"We were at the reunion, and I saw a picture of her from high school," Chuck said grinning.

"How bad?" Ellie asked. Chuck grinned.

"Pretty bad," Chuck admitted. "There were braces, and her hair…Ellie it looked like someone had taken garden shears through them. But, even with all that, you could see it in her eyes, the beauty that was inside her. The beauty that shined through regardless of braces, bad hair days, or anything."

"You told her that?" Ellie asked, Chuck nodded.

"She made me go dance to a fast song, and told me if we wanted to take it slow then we needed to go dance," Chuck said. Ellie had a thoughtful look on her face, and motioned with her hand to continue.

"The third time was at her hotel room," Chuck began. "She had a black eye from the lucky shot her former classmate got in, long story," he quickly added, seeing the questions on Ellie's face. "I told her that Heather had hurt my girl, to which I explained, I didn't mean that possessively, but that she was the one I cared about and wanted to protect."

"You should teach a class," Devon said, almost in awe.

"What?" Chuck asked, confused.

"It's just Chuck being Chuck," Ellie said, proud of her brother. "One question, and I don't need graphic information, but exactly how far has your and Sarah's relationship progressed?" Chuck stuck his hands in his pockets and sighed.

"El, it's not fair to her," Chuck said. "She's my permanent handler. If we were to be together and then break up…" he said with a shrug.

"So you're going slow?"

"For her sake," Chuck replied.

"It's your idea?" she asked. Chuck nodded. Ellie returned the nod with the biggest grin. "I'll talk to her, don't say anything to her. I think I know exactly what will fix her problems," she said, with a look Chuck couldn't read.

"Okay," Chuck said. "Well, on to the 'job.'" Chuck said using air quotes. He left and Ellie sat there smiling.

"El, I hope for your sake, their walls are soundproof," Awesome said with a grin. Ellie chuckled.

"The poor fool has no idea," she said. "Casey, this entire conversation better never get to Beckman or Sarah." Two minutes later, the front door opened and a dvd came flying in. The door closed, footsteps were heard running away, and a car sped off.

"You're kinda hot when you scare him like that," Awesome said grinning. Ellie grinned at him.

"You know you always think I'm hot," she replied. Awesome shrugged in agreement.

}o{

Chuck wandered into work and noticed things were a little…odd today, which was saying a lot, because it was the Buy More. Everyone seemed to be working a little harder.

"Bad day to be late, Buddy," Morgan said.

"Late night," Chuck replied, grinning.

"Lover's tryst, say no more," Morgan replied then thought. "Unless you care to give a few tawdry details?" Chuck kept working, grinning. "There's an efficiency guy who been looking for you, so if he asks, you have gallstones." Chuck looked up.

"Now I know how she felt about the spastic colon," Chuck said. "I think he's behind you, Morgan." Morgan scurried off before Emmet could say anything. Emmet approached Chuck.

"We finally meet, Chuck," Emmet said. As he shook Emmet's hand he saw a bald man standing in the Buy More holding a picture, and Chuck flashed. Emmet watched him. "Are you okay?"

"Nope, gallstones," Chuck muttered. "I need to go see Casey."

"Why do you need to see Casey?" Emmet asked.

"He keeps my gallstone medicine so I don't OD," Chuck said scurrying away…right into the man he flashed on.

"Do you know this guy?" the man asked, showing a picture of Jeff from the 80s.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," Chuck replied, terrified, and confused.

"He's a Buy More employee," the man countered.

"Have you checked our other 13 locations?" Chuck asked. The man grunted and left. Casey walked over.

"Now what, moron?" Casey asked.

"We need to get my gallstone medicine from Castle, I just had an attack," Chuck said. Casey looked at him for a second.

"That's not bad, kid, too bad you're leaving here," Casey said. Chuck looked around and saw Jeff licking Cheetos crumbs out of the bag.

"It's a real shame," Chuck replied.

}o{

"Farrokh Bulsara," Casey said, tossing the classified folder down on the desk. Chuck always wondered how they got those folders so fast. "He's been hopping between training camps from Syria to Somalia."

"Why would a terrorist want Jeff?" Chuck asked.

"You need to approach, Jeff," Sarah said.

"You sure, Walker? Jeff tried to kiss your boy toy just a few days ago," Casey said.

"He probably doesn't remember it," Chuck said. Casey grabbed the remote and hit play on the monitor. It was Jeff sitting in the home theater room.

"He has such supple lips, Lester," Jeff said.

"Really? Chuck?" Lester asked. Casey hit pause, and Chuck just stared at him

"You seriously had that qued up?" Chuck asked. "You know I may never sleep again." Sarah gave Casey a look.

"Getting awful good at running surveillance aren't you, Casey?" Sarah asked. Chuck raised an eyebrow and grinned at Casey. He grunted. "Speaking of which, is that Ellie I see?" She hopped up and went upstairs.

"Sarah, can we talk?" Ellie said when Sarah came out of the storeroom. "Alone?" she asked, looking at the surveillance camera. Casey quickly shut down the feed.

"Not polite to spy, Chuck," Casey said. Chuck just stared at Casey.

"Really?"

"So do you and Chuck have plans tonight?" Ellie asked.

"No, Chuck is going to have to hang out with Jeff tonight," Sarah said.

"Please tell me that Nerd Herd, creepy, serial-killer Jeff, is just a cover and he's a regular person," Ellie begged. Sarah pursed her lips and shook her head. Ellie sighed. "You and I, tonight, we talk."

"Ellie, can I be honest?" Sarah asked. Ellie nodded. "I've stopped revolutions with a fork, I've fought off dozens of men at the same time. I've jumped out of buildings with no parachute or safe landing zone, but none of them scare me more than the prospect of tonight. I'm not good at this kind of stuff." Ellie gave Sarah her Bartowski smile, and Sarah felt much better.

"Tonight, I'm going to get to know my sister," she said. Sarah's eyes got big. Ellie gave her an amused look. "He may not have a clue, but I do," Ellie said, patted her hand, and left. Sarah smiled watching her leave.

}o{

Sarah made her way to Ellie's while Chuck and Jeff had a guy's night in the theater. Casey told her that all surveillance was off, so whatever lady feelings the two talked about was between them. Ellie greeted her with a hug, and had wine waiting. They sat on the couch, and Sarah still looked a little nervous.

"Sarah, I want to apologize," Ellie said.

"What for?" Sarah asked.

"For raising a guy so clueless," Ellie said. Sarah gave her a confused look. "This morning Chuck wanted to know if there was a reason he was hearing noises around you." Sarah fought a blush, but was losing. "I think he thinks its something gastrointestinal and I didn't correct that assumption. I asked him what was said before hand, and I'm pretty sure I know what's going on."

"At least one Bartowski does," Sarah grumbled. Ellie laughed.

"Sarah, I know you think a lot of him, I know you think he's a great guy, but we need to be real honest about something, he has flaws," Ellie said.

"Ellie," Sarah began. Ellie held up her hand.

"Look, I've been thinking about the type of men you've probably been around, and my guess is Chuck treats you like a queen compared to them…even when he's clueless, he does nice things, I get it," Ellie said grinning.

"I've never met anyone so thoughtful," she said.

"He is, but he's also a bit of a worrier," she said, noticing the look on Sarah's face. "Okay, a lot of a worrier, and he wants to talk about his feelings, a lot, but when he doesn't, he clams up." Sarah nodded. "He also is very self-deprecating." Sarah had a sad look on her face. "He was hung up on a girl for five years, and she wasn't even in your league." Sarah wanted to protest, but Ellie stopped her. "That's the other problem, you can't see how amazing you are."

"How are you so sure I'm amazing," Sarah said. "I'm a CIA agent, I'm very good at my job."

"Sarah, I figured out you're in love with him," Ellie said. Sarah looked down and grinned. "Chuck said you had a tough past, and you even told him you had baggage. You two are great together, but you two SUCK at communicating."

"I suck at communicating," Sarah corrected. Ellie shook her head.

"No, he does stuff a lot of times to avoid confrontation," Ellie explained. "He puts others needs in front of his own." Sarah had to agree with that. "You two are being forced together, and all he's thinking about is what he thinks you need. You need to tell him what you need."

"Like what?" Sarah asked. Ellie gave her a look.

"You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?" Ellie asked.

"Say what?" Sarah replied, confused.

"Sarah, he thinks he's invading your personal space, he thinks you two should go slow because it will be hard on you if something goes wrong, he thinks you're doing what he wants to save him from the bunker," Ellie said. Sarah couldn't help the amused look on his face.

"He actually requested we go slow," Sarah said.

"Have you told him you don't want to?" Ellie asked. Sarah shifted uncomfortably in the seat. "By the way, that's not a denial." Sarah grinned at her.

"I love the guy," she said softly, shaking her head, tears coming to her eyes. "He's flipped my entire world upside down and there is nothing I can do about it."

"Nope," Ellie said, taking a sip of wine and grinning. "Love doesn't care what you thought, what you thought you wanted, or how you thought you'd want to do things. It just kicks the door down and flips your world. All you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Thanks, Ellie," Sarah said. "He and I need to talk." Ellie nodded.

"I hate to do this, but I have to ask you something," Ellie said. Sarah nodded. "Everything he's doing, should I be worried about him?" Sarah thought for a second.

"You know, um," Sarah began. "Chuck is like a duck." Ellie looked confused. "Sometimes he seems like he is gliding along, just doing nothing, but underneath the surface, his little feet are paddling. Whether it be saving Morgan at the Buy More, or using the Intersect, or even saving Casey or I."

"What about Stanford?" Ellie asked. Sarah gave her a confused look. "He's only 12 credits short of graduating."

"He is?" Sarah asked, thoughts jumping into her head. She gave Ellie a smile.

"Sis, what are you up to?" Tears popped into Sarah's eyes again. "I'm sorry, Sarah."

"No, don't you dare apologize," Sarah said. "I've never had a sister, I've never thought I'd be close to anyone to be called that, and it just took me by surprise. In a good way." Ellie came over to hug her, and that's when the door opened, Chuck carrying Jeff with Casey behind him. He turned and whacked Jeff's head into the doorframe.

"Don't worry, this guy's feeling no pain," Chuck said. He summed up the evening, as he deposited Jeff on the sofa. Jeff turned to Ellie.

"You take the blonde, I'm gonna take a crack at the brunette," he said, and grabbed Chuck's tie to pull him down for a kiss. Chuck yelped, and Sarah pulled Jeff's hand away. Jeff collapsed.

"You're not going to leave him here are you?" Ellie asked.

}o{

The next morning in Castle, Casey was smiling, which scared Chuck to no end.

"Are you as worried as I am?" Chuck whispered to Sarah.

"He's just thinks Ellie's madder at you than him," Sarah said.

"Why would Ellie be mad?" Chuck asked. "I got Jeff out with no problem. Although she did start on me about Stanford this morning."

"Really?" Sarah replied. "She just worries about you."

"And finding out the truth about my job isn't making it easier on her is it?" Chuck asked. Sarah shook her head no. Chuck sighed. "Okay, I swore I wasn't going to be that guy but when your sister and your girlfriend get together a guy tends to get worried." Sarah gave him an amused look.

"Do you think you've done something?" Sarah asked.

"No, but let's admit I'm clueless, especially in relationships, and I don't want to screw this up, because I lo-like you more than I probably should in relation to the amount of dates we've had." Sarah moved her jaw around thinking about what he said. She shoulder bumped him.

"Same," she said, taking a drink of coffee, looking innocently over the cup at him.

"HA!" he said, knowing he was beaten.

"Bartowski, can you and Walker mix your peanut butter and chocolate later, we've got work!" Casey yelled. Chuck kissed her on the cheek.

"Any word on the apartment?" he asked, getting up to leave.

"Soon, is all I keep getting," she said. She grabbed him arm, and pulled him into a kiss. After he was properly discombobulated, she let him go. "Have a good day."

"I really like the new Intersect arrangement," Chuck manage to say heading up the stairs. Casey came over beside Sarah watching Chuck to see if he actually got up the stairs.

"He still has no clue," Casey said. Sarah shook her head.

"Nope," she said popping the "p". She turned to him with the amused grin. "Don't make me tell Ellie you listened.

"We gotta get you and the nerd in that apartment soon," Casey said walking up the stairs, and headed to the Buy More. Sarah was suddenly spun and found herself being kissed senseless by a certain nerd. When she was thoroughly confused and befuddled, Chuck pulled away, grinning at her.

"I'm so glad there's a back entrance to Castle, I just had to make sure my girlfriend was kissed properly this morning," Chuck said. With that, he started to leave, when he heard the noise again. He turned around to say something, just as he was hit by a blonde blur. He found himself on the ground, her kissing him like her life depended on it. "Those noises were you?!" Sarah's phone rang.

"DAMN IT!" she yelled, and answered it. "Walker, severely compromised," she growled.

"Send your boytoy back to work, Jeff is here and he needs to proceed with the mission," Casey said, but not as gruffly as he used to.

"Why are you being nice?" she said. He grunted and hung up. She stared at Chuck. "You and I." She kissed him. "Need to have." Kissed him again. "A very looonng talk." Then she kissed him like she would die if she didn't. Chuck was officially broken. She got up, pulled him up, and pushed him in the direction she came. "We're going to talk."

"Talky good," he said, stumbling away. After he left, she got out her phone and made a phone call. She explained her reasoning for her request, and it was agreed. Sarah smiled, that was one problem down, now to have a talk with Chuck. That…that was going to be difficult…but so worth it.

A/N: Still fun!

Til next time!

DC

[nataliesmagicaladventure]

For Posterity

Wow, I bet you guys all forgot that you were following me, this wordy blog that only pops up on your dash once every few months to spew angst. You might not even remember why you followed me in the first place, and are looking at the “unfollow” button as it taunts you, but you’re still kinda curious. Who is this girl (I’m Natalie) and why do I follow her (I used to blog about Disney and the dcp) and how come she only comes and goes from my life when her life is falling apart (I’m selfish)? Well, guys, here’s a long post under the cut about my weekend, with a little bit of back story sprinkled in, if you dare to approach.

Catch Up

Quick background as to what I’ve been up to. I’m still at that same job I’ve posted about hating so much for the last year and a half. Yep. I’ve been there one year and five months now. I cannot even believe it myself. I have the same boss and the same office mate. However, since the start of 2017, our office dynamics have been shifting a bit. The officemate has been sensing my days are numbered since the day I started, but now his days too are numbered. He’s going back to school in the fall so his day, too, are numbered. Also, the three of us (boss, officemate, and I), have been spending some extracurricular time together. We went to a Packer party in January where I got absolutely trashed and made a fool of myself (and the Packers lost). Then on Valentine’s Day, we all started playing Tuesday night trivia together every week. It’s been an experience for sure. It’s become a weekly occurrence for me to have 3-4 beers (always IPAs with higher ABV because I’m human garbage) and then to say one or two things that I definitely regret the next morning and pray that upon walking into the office no one remembers me saying. It’s cool (also humiliating). 

There are some other things that have been building for a while between the officemate and myself. Not sexual tension or anything. He’s in a happily committed relationship and I’m happily so irritated by all human beings that I have no desire to be in any sort of relationship, sexual or otherwise (I’m still working through issues that arose from that one thing that happened to me at a party back in Florida although it’s been like a year and a half but I’m still not huge on being touched in any capacity). But there is a sort of camaraderie. Friendship? I have a friend crush on him, I think. Like, I just want to be apart of his world. 

Well, I pushed my shitty self into his life this weekend. And that is why I have come here to write this obnoxiously long post. I want to capture this weekend to remind myself that I am capable of being a human dumpster fire and also still come out the other side feeling damn good about myself. To start, we should discuss my Vision Quest (more backstory). 

The Vision Quest

A few weeks ago my boss walked into our office and said to me, “Natalie, what is that one thing you want to do this summer?” And I looked at her blankly like, what the fuck? And she kept pushing. What do you want to do? What do you want to accomplish? Well, what she does not know is that I am planning on moving. And I don’t mean, move out of my parents place into the city (oh yeah, I’m still with Mom and Dad). I mean, move move. Out of state. Out of mind. Denver, Salt Lake, Austin, Charlotte, Nashville. Those are my options. I want SLC or Denver. My best friend Nicole wants Austin (she was born and raised there, and that’s where her mom lives) or maybe Denver/Boulder. But I did comment that I’m going to Utah this summer (for Nerdtacular) so I guess that’s my Big Thing. 

She told me I needed something else. She’s right. I’ve been pretty depressed the last few months. Not debilitating like it has been in the past, but I’ve definitely had a mood shift. I’ve never been the most happy-go-lucky person, but there are some day I would just drag myself into work and barely able to function as a human being all day. I’d stare into the middle ground. I’d get agitated and angry at homemakers and clients over dumb shit. I’d snap like a motherfucker at the officemate. I’d almost always apologize, but I definitely would snipe at him unjustly. So I said I needed a Vision Quest. 

When I said I needed a Vision Quest, I meant it mostly as a joke. Also, in the sense of culturally appropriating Native American folklore of going through a series of trials and coming out a man on the other end. That’s what I was talking about. The officemate interpreted my Vision Quest and I need to try psychedelics. He didn’t say that directly, but he linked me to an episode of The Simpsons where Homer eats a hot pepper that sends him on a psychedelic trip. He out of the blue started sending me articles about 60s counterculture, and more specifically, Owsley Stanley. Jokes on him, because what he didn’t know about me is that my senior year high school research paper was a 20 page long research paper into how drug culture impacted American history starting in the 1940′s to present (2011 present). I find all of that shit so fascinating to begin with, so then I spent my day at work listening to songs about the counterculture and psychedelics and in a Wikipedia wormhole clicking link and link to learn about so many different kinds of drugs that are lesser know variant of lsd. 

But do not mistake this for me wanting to drop acid with my officemate. That is definitely not something I have any intention of doing. (At least for now. Again, changing dynamics). Nicole and I have joked about how it’s so goddamn weird that he has not at all broached the topic of smoking weed together (like a normal goddamn person who would want to do drugs with their coworker) but he went right to “we should do psychedelics, a deeply profound and person experience, together.” 

As Nicole and I would joke about that, I did say, I’d smoke with the officemate any day. It’s the lsd that gave me pause. That was about a month ago now. But I never thought that would be a line I’d cross with him. Until...

Last Week

We’ll get there. I’ll let those words hang. I mean, we all know where that’s going so I will fill in how this last week has gone. The officemate is huge into a jam band. The kind of thing where he travels around the country seeing them and getting into them, and this week they were on his home turf for a three night event, and the officemate’s 100th show was set to be night two. 

The officemate invited us to join him on either night 1 or 3. He mostly wanted us there on night 1, though. I, though, have *spoiler alert* debilitating anxiety that makes it hard for me to believe that any would actually want to hang out with me. He asked the boss and I to go with him and I said “hahah, yes” cause I thought it was a goddamn joke, and then I proceeded to feel so much anxiety about it leading up to it because I was convinced he didn’t actually want us there. The boss also said that she would go. So come Thursday, the boss actually went to the show with him and I... Went to trivia with my friends out in Burlington, a half hour past where I live, which is already a half hour outside the city. So I was a solid hour away from Milwaukee, four Landsharks deep with my friends, rocking our nearly perfect trivia game, when he texts me. Are you seriously not coming? The weight of guilt hit me so hard in that moment. He wanted me there and I stood him up. 

I felt like shit. I also kind of just regretted not going. It has been so long since I’ve done something outside of my comfort zone (anxiety, depression, that sort of thing) that I hated that I couldn’t bring myself to go. So at work on Friday, he gave me so much shit about it, but I kind of just let it go. I felt better. My anxiety was easing up. I had nothing to worry about, and then he said to me just as he was heading out the door Friday afternoon You should seriously come tomorrow night. I brushed it off. Yeah, Maybe. I’ll text you tomorrow? 

Full disclosure: I wasn’t going to go. Again, I’m still not convinced that he wanted me there. Sure, the boss went on Thursday and had a great time, but how much fun could that have been for him? Partying with his boss? And the next day the boss comes in chatting about the clouds of smoke hanging low over the crowd. Sweet, sweet innocent boss. And I’m sure I can hang just as well as the officemate. Well, maybe not as well, but I can hang! I’m cool! I’m hip! I can do the drugs! (Convinced?) 

Saturday Afternoon

Saturday my sisters and I took the dogs to the dog park in the morning. It was finally a day that hinted at spring. Afterwards, Sam and I ran to Target and then we had to hit up my cousin’s daughter’s first birthday party. 

Here’s where I had a Come-to-Jesus moment with one of my cousin’s. She 31, has three kids, and really did a good job at embracing “life.” Despite having her first kid at 21, and then subsequently going through a series of pregnancies and miscarriages, before having her son, and then later another daughter, my cousin has lived a life. She, too, is major into following around a jam band across the country. Not as much as she used to being a 31 yr-old mother of three, but her three kids have each been to more Phish concerts in their short 10, 6, and 3 years on this earth than I have been to any concert ever. But she’s getting older and tired. So Saturday we were sitting and chatting. 

“You look tired, did you go out last night?” No, I’m just tired. “What are you plans for tonight?” Nothing, probably just going to take a nap. “You used to have so much fun. What happened?” (Editor’s Note: The first and best people I ever get in trouble with are my cousins. They were the first people I got stoned with. The first people I go drunk with. The first people I’ve ever pursued guys in bars with. But all of that was a long time ago. I first smoked weed with them at 12. Drunk at 13. We’d troll “Up North” Bars when I was 14/15/16. But now I’m 24.) I’m getting old Heather. “Shut up. You are not old. Wanna see Beauty and the Beast with me and the kids tonight?” Maybe. I’m not sure. “I just can’t believe that you have no plans whatsoever. Nothing.” Well, the guy I work with offhandedly invited me to UM tonight. “Oh. You. Are. Going.”

And so I went. 

Umphrey’s McGee and My Life

I was late, not shockingly. I met his friends. It was uncomfortable. I pounded two beers and did three shots of whiskey in, oh, I don’t know. Fifteen minutes? That’s the thing about my anxiety. When I’m anxious in social situations with alcohol, I immediately start throwing them back like your drunk uncle at Christmas that no one wants to be there but no one has the heart to un-invite. That’s how I got so goddamn trashed at the Packer party. I was really anxious so I just started drinking because I didn’t know what else to do. 

I didn’t really talk to anyone. His one friend made polite small talk with me, but that was about it. And then he leaned over to me, before the show started, and said, “You wanna go on that Vision Quest tonight?” To my SHOCK AND HORROR, I said, “I mean, what do you have in mind?” What I should have said was no. But don’t worry guys, this isn’t a post about my first lsd experience! He said, “Hah, yeah, not tonight. It’s too late. Some other time though.” And then, just about as the house lights go down he leans in close to my ear and whisper/shouted (remember, voices travel weird at concerts) “Can I ask you a weird question?” Yeah, what? “Have you, ever, in your life, been high?” I didn’t give a standard yes or no, because that’s not what I do. I said, What kind of question is that? “When was the last time?” Not since October, I don’t smoke like I used to. “Alright, then be careful with this shit.” And he hands me a goddamn vape pen. Here’s the thing I know about me and vaping instead of traditional smoking. I get always get too high, too fast. It’s too easy for me to inhale and too hard for me to judge how much I’m taking in. I know this about myself. But I never seem to learn from past experiences. SO OF COURSE I take a really solid drag. OF COURSE. Always. EVERY TIME. I know better. Then I enjoy the show. And a joint comes my way, and I take a good drag, because I’m better at smoking joints. And then the officemate hands me his whiskey and I take another pull from the flask. And then he refills my now empty beer cup with beer from his can. And then the joint comes back. And then an e-cig appears out of nowhere. And a pipe. So I’m smoking four different kinds of weed from four different sources, drinking whiskey and beer. And I’m having a goddamn great time. 

At set break I vow to stop drinking and smoking. I do have to drive back to my bullshit suburb after all. But I get one Blue Moon to wash down everything else. And then the second set starts. And the vape pen comes back. And I say no, because I’m an adult and the officemate says “C’mon, we’ll figure something out about getting you home.” oof. I keep smoking. We polish off the whiskey. We share a bottle of water (thank god) and then we share a beer. 

The show ends. I cannot drive home. 

What to do. What to do.

I panicked. I was sobering up enough to know that I cannot drive home but I also have no other options. I don’t know what to do. I consider calling my sister, but she had decided conveniently to not go by her boyfriend’s that night. Her boyfriend lives five blocks from the theatre, that would have been ideal. Officemate offers to let me go back to his place. But it’s weird. We’re both weird about it. Neither of us want it to happen. 

I’m still panicking. And apologizing. and panicking. and apologizing. We get a lyft back to his place. The whole fifteen minute ride to his side of town, I apologize profusely. We keep saying things that are hazy that both of us agree we will not repeat on Monday. I make him swear that we will not talk about this ever again. I do not want this to come up on Monday. I don’t want the boss to know that I spent the night at his place. He says I’m never gonna live it down. I tell him it sucks that I have to quit my job. 

We get back to his place. It’s weird. We sit on his couch and he asks me what I want to watch. It’s Always Sunny is my chill out show. So we watch it for an hour. His roommate came back with some other guy and when they saw that I was there, they decided that both of them would crash at a different friend’s place to give us space? Mind you, the officemate is in a long term committed relationship with someone else. So now it’s weird. Even weirder. His roommate wants to get out of our way? What does he thinks gonna happen? Not to mention that they both have their own rooms. Nothing was going to happen that was going to bother anyone. But so they left.

We pass out. I woke up about three hours later, about 6:30. I peed. Grabbed my shoes. Snuck out. Got a lyft back to my car on the other side of town. Got no parking tickets and did not get towed (personal win bc I was definitely parked in a no parking after midnight zone). Haven’t heard from him all day. I’m glad.

Today

Some unique challenges of living with your parents is doing your walk of shame for the first time in front of them. Walking into the house at quarter after 7 in the morning, tired, reeking of weed and beer, blood shot eyes, unamused, while Mom and Dad are sitting at the kitchen table putting together their shopping list for the week while eating a well rounded breakfast. They smiled at me, asked me if I had fun. I shrugged. Then went to bed. 

But honestly, can we talk about something cheesy and dramatic? I cannot stop smiling. My depression has been so ever-present lately that I did not realize I have been depressed. The signs have been there. People have pointed it out to me. But I’ve been ignoring them. But today, I have felt no anxiety, no exhaustion, no irritation. I’ve just been feeling so good about myself. Literally, I feel really good about The Future. 

The officemate kept joking that this was going to be a life changing experience for me, and while I don’t think it’s wholly life changing, I do think it’s exactly what I needed. I needed to get pushed outside of my comfort zone. And for once, I don’t dread going to work tomorrow. I’m not nervous about facing the officemate. I snuck out without anyone noticing. I just disappeared. And I’m excited at the prospect of us hanging out again in a similar setting. I like stoned/drunk Officemate. He’s a different person but I like that person a lot.