#// maybe its time they chat abt their respective……. jobs and the dangers that come with it

[tewwor-moving]

He’s seen it before. Dealt with the wrath that sparks in response to his decision. Continues to stand firm on the crumbling ledge that barely bridges them two. Them, with their seething quality to the unknown and very real dangers that come with it. Him, with an iron wrought determination that makes it possible to withstand such a tempest at its peak.

Not a single care’s spent when all distance disappears. Litho stares at them with equal ferocity. Though one that’s more tempered in patience and keen understanding. Nothing’s said until the whorl of instinctual survival ebbs. “I can.” Calmer, if not just a hair terse. A tone only taken when things are nonnegotiable on his end. They don’t have to accept it. The confession can lay crumpled at their heel, but he won’t have it flat out denied.

Arms inch their way around them tentatively; loose enough to pull away from without much effort. “You don’t have to return the feeling, I’d never ask that of you. But what I feel is my own and even if you say I can’t, I will.”

THERE IS A BITTER TASTE on persephone’s tongue as her mind flicks through all of the different ways she could lash out at him. everything she could say that would hurt him, every pressure point, every sudden attack that would put him out of commission long enough for her to run away.

but something in her has grown weak. persephone can’t fathom hurting lionel, not when she has fought tooth and nail to protect him, and when he has done the same for her over and over again. her teeth grit together, bared, and without thinking, she launches herself off the windowsill and stalks toward him. ❝ god damn it, idiot, you can’t. ❞ a snarl, frantic and furious. it’s all they’ve ever been able to do when they’re scared: attack or flee. fight or flight, every waking minute, run, hide, fight. fight. before they know it, they’ve shoved him backwards and leaned into his space with a hand clawed into the collar of his shirt, eyes wild, body tensed like an animal readying itself to kill. but it’s not — the same, exactly. the way she looks at him is not cold and sharp like a wolf zeroing in on prey. it’s not enraged, like it is when hellhound breaks free and tears men to shreds. it’s terrified. wild with fear, a creature backed up against a wall.

and because it is not rage, she doesn’t sink her teeth into his throat where the jugular sits. instead, persephone loosens her grip, and her head drops onto his shoulder. all at once, the frenzy melts away; all that’s left behind is anguish, the fragile thing her anger was protecting. when seph speaks again, her voice is small, quiet, and terribly human. ❝ you can’t. ❞

[transrightsjimin]

may have broken down in frustrated tears over stupid fucking Gezelligheid mentality AGAIN

(aka finding ppl visiting each others’ homes all the gd time and hugging nd kissing nd not wearing facemasks bc it’s SOCIABLE thats NORMAL and DUTCH and it’s somehow logical to consider this more important than making sure others dont get infected and DIE. and YES ppl still tell me them finding being social IRL more important makes sense even when i phrase it as a lesser priority over LOVED ONES DYING)

but this time it was to my autism coach who clearly didnt empathize w me being frustrated w my job coach not listening to me until asking nd nearly demandng after 6 attempts that yes i would like her to wear a face mask in the small office i met her in!!

nd i talked to my autism coach abt my very much immunocompromised mom and my grandma and my aunt nd just generally family wanting to visit indoors unmasked bc thats SOCIAAL!!

and ironically i was describing my frustrations w my job coach asking me, after angering me, why i was angry, nd tone policying nd saying i “should be more considerate to other people” (THATS WHY I WEAR FACEMASKS ND TRY TO NOT MEET UP CLOSE U ASSHAT!!! SO I DONT INFECT ND KILL PEOPLE!!!!) and “respect other people think differently about it” (I AM AWARE AND DO NOT RESPECT IT!!!!!) , IRONICALLY i ended up venting abt this w frustration bc i could notice my autism coach found it important too that i meet up w family irl soon (like my autism coaches nd gender therapist keep asking when we can finally have appointments irl again bc thats normal and just. NO. NO WHAT THE FUCK)

nd she too went like ‘im trying to empathize w u here but i do understand your family more and u do rly need to think of them too‘ nd i just broke down sobbing badly, like worse than usual in a way ive only had this intense nd briefly since recently, nd i felt so annoyed abt it nd she clearly did feel somewhat bad for me but also sort of tried to make my crying ok by reasoning im struggling to get into the routine of work / sleep and like thats true, but she said it more in a way to form an excuse for my super out of line act of crying over ppl not caring abt the fucking pandemic and treating me like a selfish weirdo for not considering their selfish feelings over their own and others’ lives.

its like just like w my job coach after my voice clearly shook in anger, nd she asked abt why i was going to the MRI scan i mentioned, nd i said it was bc of hormone imbalance and doctors worried abt me not having PMS regularly, nd she replied w like this sympathetic smile, like ahh thats why youre irritable, ‘ohh so you have PMS regularly, ah, yes that must be-‘ nd i was like ‘no actually it’s not regularly, i dont have it for months‘

i just feel lightheaded every time i stress cry now bc its too much stress nd devastation all at once. not to self victimize but life rn feels like im in a bad hidden camera prank where people try to convince me im insane for believing a deadly virus is dangerous and that doing so is very selfish somehow. except its not a prank and real and i hate it. idk how to even vent abt this to my best friend bc he doesnt deal well w expressing empathy bc autism nd like, we hug a lot but he doesnt rly know wht to say. nd maybe its true im going irrational nd acting too angry at fcking work or in public but thats bc the systems r so fucking messed up tht no one seems to be aware of shit like the dangers of pandemics?? capitalism?? cops (remember the new years story where i was concerned for a man in psychosis bc the whole street called the cops on him nd they didnt respond or say anything at all when i expressed i wasnt happy they called cops on him nd then acted like i was hysterical??)(FOR WORRYING ABT ROTTERDAM COPS!! WHO R OFTEN REPORTED TO ASSAULT PPL SEVERELY ND LOVE TO TALK ABT WANTING TO KILL PPL IN THEIR LEAKED GROUP CHATS??)??

like just w all of these things it feels like im talking to a wall when saying smth as simple as ‘í would like to ask you to keep your mask on when we’re in the office‘ or ‘no i would not like my vulnerable old family member to come over inside during a pandemic‘. maybe i am turning fcking nuts maybe!! maybe i might fcking lose it!!!!!