#// i value my mental health over pretty much everything lol

[rindousbbg]

Hi hi <33

Here for a matchup, if you don't mind <33

I'm female(she/her) and would like to be matched with a guy from Tokyo revengers.

Many people describe me as quiet, kind, helpful, independent and smart, I'm definitely introverted and an INFJ. I'd consider myself ambitious as well since I've got a big academic dream I'm working towards. A passion I've got is helping others, although I like to do it "anonymously"/in a group and not alone or face to face in person.

In my free time I love playing the guitar, reading, listening to music and going on walks. I'm quite shy and not really talkative when you first meet me, although that changes when I'm comfortable around someone, then I can talk a lot haha but I'm also quite a good listener. <3 I also have negative traits such as being selfish but also insecure sometimes. (Insecure more often than sometimes lol)

In a soulmate I'd look for someone understanding who unconditionally loves me besides my bad sides <3 I don't mind someone with a good sense of humour or intellect. If I had to pick some "ideal traits" for him to have it'd be quiet, intelligent, caring and protective but I'm very adaptable and will love someone if we really understand, support and love each other, regardless of their appearance or whether their personality is like the one i described as ideal. <3

Some things I don't like is when he's controlling and manipulative obviously. I despite people/guys who try to make their gf/wife/other women a typical "house wife" for cleaning, cooking and raising children. I'm a pretty independent person and would like my partner to accept that and give me freedom to do some things my way and not insisting on me having to rely/depend on him.

A physical thing I cannot stand under any circumstances is smoking. I HATE the scent of it as it's closely connected to a traumatic event in my life that left quite a deep scar on my mental health, so every time I'm around a smoker I feel nauseous and immensely triggered, that'd be a deal-breaker. I'm not too good with children either so if my match up would value children a lot it'd be quite difficult.

My love languages are spending quality time together as well as words of affirmation. (I give quality time and receive WoA the most but I'm chill with it being turned/other love langs) I'm not too big on physical touch and gift giving, as i feel somehow guilty when someone buys something i want for me </3

I think that's everything, I hope it wasn't too much haha

Thank you in advance already, ik I'll already love my match up if it's made by you haha 🫶

Here's your matchup!

You got...

Ken Ryuguji.

• Draken would admire how independent you are. Being kind to others and being helpful. Not that he would mind if you weren't as helpful.

• Draken would understand why you want to help others by being anonymous. He won't pressure you for that.

• Although when you first met, you were so shy and reserved later opened up to him and made him feel happy that you are comfortable around him.

• Darken won't blame you for being selfish and insecure. Let's be honest we all are humans after all. Even he would tell you to choose yourself over anyone.

• Daraken is mature and would understand your problems quite well even without you saying anything about it.

• He isn't the brightest person in the room but still tries to light your mood up by cracking some silly jokes that took years for you to understand. (He's trying)

• He would support you no matter what. He's very understanding and supportive. But he would still stop you if you were doing something wrong.

• Will always be there for you when you need and protective. But not overly protective, he knows when to protect you tho.

• He won't force you to do things you won't like. Either you say it yourself or nothing will be happening.

• He won't pressure you to have children unless you want one. Although he would like the thought of it in the end you are the one who's giving birth so depends on you.

• He's not someone who's good with words but you can count on him to spend quality time with you. Although he's great at giving some good advice if you needed.

hope you like it! Thanks for requesting!

[daphdarling]

id like a haikyuu personality matchup please! i’m a trans person (he/him) with a preference for men. i have dark brown eyes and darker hair, and light olive skin covered in darker scars. i have a bad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania), so most of them are on my face or arms. it’s not uncommon to see me with bandages on. i also have *horrible* nearsightedness, so i wear glasses. i also prefer people taller than me (5'3)

i’d like to think i’m a pretty cut and dry person; what you see is what you get. i tend to be very open (sometimes uncomfortably so) and try to foster an environment where people can be open with me in turn. communication is *very* important to me. i value honesty and transparency a lot, and often feel betrayed when i find out something has been hidden from me. despite this, i trust quite easily, a bit naive in giving people the benefit of the doubt. monotone people can make me feel nervous as i can’t get as good of a read on them.

one of my biggest passions is creating. i’ve been drawing and writing since a very young age, and i take great pride in my work. it’s something i’m actually confident in, because i know what i’m talking about when it comes to art. i generally find my inspiration in people, usually drawing or drawing for those i care about. i’m very much a gift giver in a relationship, even if i don’t have much money to spare, so i make things instead. art, poems, songwriting. if it’s creative, i’ll do it.

romantically, i’m a huge tease, though i often can’t take what i dish out haha. i’m the type to relish in someone’s flusteredness, only to find myself stumbling over my words when they reciprocate. i’m clingy, cringy, and very unapologetic about it. space is important to me (as i can be suffocating at times and need to regulate myself), but i love spending time with those close to me. quality time is HUGE for me, as being with loved ones can be like recharging. i’m also big on words of affirmation, as reassurance is something i constantly crave from others, and i’m very verbally affectionate.

i’ve struggled with my mental health since i was very young (untreated audhd, and later bpd) but have managed to push through. i still have my off days, and off my meds everything feels a lot more extreme and black and white. my emotions are sensitive at best, and unstable at worst. i love hard and mourn harder.

i'm a taurus sun, aries moon, virgo rising. im an ENFP (going by carl jung cognitive functions, not myers-briggs!) my favorite color is yellow, but i have a lot of green stuff because i love frogs. my favorite kind are ghost glass frogs! also cats i love cats especially calico cats! people with cat personalities >>> i am the dog to my ideal match's cat (or vice versa ive been told im like a ginger cat lol)

YOUR MATCHUP IS…

TADASHI YAMAGUCHI!!!

Personality Match:

Yamaguchi is empathetic, supportive, and values communication—qualities that align well with your open and straightforward nature. His sensitivity allows him to understand your feelings, making him a good match for your emotional depth.

Romantic Connection:

Yamaguchi is known for being shy but grows more confident with the right person. His gentle teasing and appreciation for creativity would resonate with your playful teasing nature. He’s the type to appreciate the little things, which fits your love for giving handmade gifts.

Hobbies and Activities:

Yamaguchi enjoys playing volleyball and spending time with friends, which complements your need for quality time. He’d likely be supportive of your artistic endeavors, perhaps even inspired by your work to create his own projects, blending both your passions.

Looks and Vibes:

Yamaguchi has a warm demeanor and a kind smile, which would complement your light olive skin and darker hair. His slightly taller height and laid-back style create a comfortable atmosphere, making it easy for you to feel at ease together.

Final Thoughts:

Yamaguchi’s understanding nature and willingness to grow align well with your values of honesty and communication. He’s someone who would appreciate your artistic side while providing the reassurance and emotional support you crave. Together, you’d create a nurturing and loving relationship that allows both of you to thrive.

[biganimal92]

update for the 4 of you reading this that care (this isn't meant to be pessimistic I just mean that very few of my friends follow me on here lol)

I feel like my art has been stagnating for a long time and it's mostly because I limit myself to fandoms and the attention I get for my fanart messes with the way I value my self-worth so a few months back I decided I wanted to start doing a lot more with my art to gain more personal fulfillment and to give myself a direction i actually wanted to take it in so that i felt like i was making progress and going somewhere with it. I was making plans to create a proper portfolio of things that weren't star wars yaoi or the dudes from fall out boy fucking, and I was planning on launching a YouTube channel where I posted speedpaints and stuff and I actually made some decent progress

I drew something I was really proud of and I knew the content in it would be pretty popular despite still technically being fanart, and I had a time-lapse recorded for it and everything, I was even halfway through the script. I also had a number of original drawings I'd done that I never posted anywhere and I felt like by this time I should have been able to properly launch this stuff and start taking appropriate steps to have my art reach a wider audience.

butttttt then my laptop died suddenly and randomly (i was literally using it just fine, i lifted it up from my lap and it shut off and wouldnt turn back on) and it's been in the repair shop for a week and they still don't know what's wrong with it. they think it's a motherboard issue and if it ends up being at least $600 to repair it I'm just getting a new laptop. I think they can transfer the data on the hard drive to an external that I have and if so that'd be wonderful because that laptop contains all the work I've been doing these last few months for this thing I wanna do with my art.

thankfully since then my roommate is letting me have one of his backup gaming pcs (he works in tech so he has plenty) and I've been able to get set up there in case I need to start my progress over, but the issue is that it's a Linux and clip studio literally doesn't work with Linux because the desktop version of the program apparently relies on either edge being installed if it's windows, or safari being installed if it's Mac. so I can't sign in or download the full version, I'm stuck with the super limited trial version, and because of this I've been trying to get comfortable with Krita. which thankfully can record time-lapses.

my mental health has only been improving since moving to Seattle despite some pretty low lows so thankfully, even though this is uh a pretty big deal all things considered, I'm handling it really well. I had one horrible encounter with a psychiatrist when trying to get treatment for my anxiety and adhd, but since my insurance here sucks since I'm poor and nothing has worked for my other issues I've been fortunate to be able to see doctors about, I've officially become a crystal mommy and I've resorted to ~alternative medicines~ and as a result I've had a considerable amount of improvement in a very short amount of time with the things I've struggled with getting help with from a professional psychiatrist. so yeah, I'm only getting better

biggest issue that still impacts me is that my attempts at befriending people irl have not borne much fruit, granted I haven't been trying super hard but with a huge covid spike coming up soon, said weak attempts are going to have to be put on hold for the time being. especially since the main thing I was literally going to do as soon as Christmas was over was join this drawing group that meets up every other Sunday, but now I don't have my laptop so it'll just have to wait regardless of what the state of things are looking like otherwise

uhhh what else. oh yeah I got into Chinese yaoi and Indian cinema and I got out of my head enough to start playing genshin impact again so basically I'm a huge faggot ama

OH SHIT I forgot to mention I got another horrible job and I'm kind of trapped into keeping it for at least a year unless something catastrophic happens because it's giving me really important experience in the field I'm trying to go into, but when I say it sucks I mean it's probably the most disorganized place I've ever worked at that wasn't a locally owned franchise. I work at an open-access low income healthcare organization that's all over Seattle so when I say it's terrible and disorganized I think you get the picture

anyway I don't know how often I'll be on here but I'm bored and lonely and scrolling through tumblr seems like a better use of my time than spending an entire shift looking at r/shittyfoodporn

[actual-changeling]

i sent you an anon before and you’ve answered i just don’t have anyone to talk about this with!! you dont have to answer :))) just venting

i cannot and will not engage with the tlou2 as it will send me into a depressive spiral. not in like a i can’t deal with sad media way like i love Love depressing shit i am good at watching media that is uncomfortable or sad on purpose in *constructive* ways.

however this one feels so unnecessarily depressing and just done for shock value. you’ve been over the reasons before and i’ve shared my reasons before so i won’t get into it again,,

joel is not dead! sorry guys my brain my headcannon

i am just nervous because i know it’s gonna be like everywhere and it’s going to be hard to avoid. but again my head my AU!!! so ill just reread the fics that make me feel better (like yours) when i inevitably run into tlou2 media

do you have an advice for this??

thank you :))

ps i have started xfiles… just finished season one i have so many thoughts i love them so much

ahh yes, tlou2. you're always welcome to talk about it with me!

honestly? block everything and anything related to it. protect your peace of mind. tumblr makes it pretty easy to get rid of content you do not want to see, and depending on your browser there are extensions that blacklist certain websites or words.

even having played both games, i can ignore canon and pick & choose what i want to keep and what belongs in the garbage. i stopped engaging with tlou for a lot of reasons, and i think if i were to get back into it, i'd still manage to build a (more or less) positive bubble.

it's really a bit about mastering the art of not giving a fuck. whenever i do see something i do not want to, i tell myself "not my circus, not my monkeys" until i forget it exists lol

while i do have the small hope that tlou s2 will not follow the game too closely, i'm taking away custody from n/il. the characters belong to US now, fuck him.

maybe once my mental health allows it i'll return to writing fics. for now rest assured that i'll try my best to tag anything if i do end up reblogging a gifset or post every once in a while!

also hell yeah for x files!! i love pulling more people into this hyperfixation vortex. you're very much invited to talk about that too.

[in-my-feels-probably]

hello & congrats on 1.5k followers!!! im so proud of you! could i please request a romantic ship with one of the harry potter lightning era boys? my name is noelle & i’m a cis female (she/her pronouns). i’m also an entp & gryffindor! i LOVE to travel & i value experiences over possessions. my family is very important to me and i also really want to have children in the future, once i’m ready. i’m a people person but i enjoy having quiet time to myself. my dream job is either a comedian or something to do with traveling <3 i’m also considered “the funny one” & the ‘wild child.’ i also struggle/have struggled with anxiety, depression, substance abuse & eating disorders. i love to read books and write (mostly short stories & poetry.) i love my job as a barista and i also enjoy going on spontaneous adventures! i love camping, swimming and anything to do with nature. i have a navel piercing, a sagittarius (my zodiac sign!) arrow tattoo below my neck and a fig tattoo on the back of my arm. my style is very 70s mixed with early 2000s. i’m lower income & i thrift literally everything i own. i’m 5’3 & have long dark blonde hair with blue eyes, i’m pretty chubby but i have a great ass lol. thank you so so much & congrats again! ❤️

hi!

thanks for participating :)

i ship you with george!

i think you’re a lot like george. he really values his family, and he loves to have fun. he’s a people person and he’s very sociable, but i also think he enjoys some quiet time to himself. being around people all the time can get a little tiring, so he’d really appreciate that you also liked to be alone together sometimes instead of going out and doing something.

i think george would really look foward to being a dad. the amount of children or the genders of them wouldn’t matter, he’d just really like the idea of having someone who he could love unconditionally. having someone rely on him makes him feel useful and needed, which i think he doesn’t always get at home. he’s got a lot of siblings, most of which who get more attention than him, and he’s kinda left in the background sometimes. he’d never let his child feel like that, and the little family he creates with you would make him really proud. he’d get to actively love people and treat them better than he was sometimes treated.

george would be really understanding of your mental and physical health. he seems like the kind of person that would do a ton of research on it just so he could better understand what you were going through and how he could help. he’d always come up with ways to distract you or something to put your mind at ease for a little while. he’d love to hear about whatever you were reading or working on, and he’d find your mind so fascinating when you told him about the stories and poetry you created.

—

george is always up for an adventure. and while he gets into plenty with fred, he’d secretly prefer them with you. he’d find you one after classes when one of the classes was throwing a party. he’d pull you along through one of the corridors past the students heading to the party.

“where are we going? don’t you want to go to the party?” you’d ask, but you’d still follow him anyway.

“and miss out on spending time with my favorite girl?” he’d grin, holding your hand tightly. “i don’t think so.”

you’d smile, following him out pass the courtyard and down the hill that lead to the forest. “the forbidden forest? you sure about that?”

“why? scared?” he’d tease, making you roll your eyes.

“not scared—just unprepared. one of us has to be the smart one here. i’m curious to know what you’re up.”

“relax, darling,” he’d say, pulling you close. “we’re not going in. ginny told me about these birds that she saw near the lake when her and hermione were down here last week. i figured they’d be a cool thing for you to sketch if you saw one. they’re apparently quite rare—they only come out after dusk.”

you couldn’t help but smile, squeezing his hand. he could be really sweet when he wanted to, and even more thoughtful. way more entertaining than some stupid party. you’d keep close to him as you traveled along the length of the forest towards the lake.

“you’re such a sap sometimes.”

a pink flush would spread across his cheeks, but he’d give you a confident grin. “for you, maybe. now hush. we don’t want to scare the birds off, do we darling?”

—

thanks again for participating! i hope you enjoyed this :)

(p.s. — george is an ass man. i said what i said.)

[chemicalpink]

ੈ✩‧₊˚ A look into Producer SUGA ੈ✩‧₊˚ Tarot + a bit of Astrology

Disclaimer: This reading is based on my experience and knowledge of tarot, it is not meant to be the absolute truth, as BTS are real people, and tarot can only capture so much about multidimensional humans that have had past experiences and cultural approaches amongst other things, it does not have to resonate with you since this is in no way related to anyone reading it (unless you are a member of BTS in which case, get out of here lol ) This is just for entertainment purposes. Remember that tarot as a form of divination only allows us to read current energy and as time advances it becomes less accurate, so it basically reads up to a 6 months period of time

A/N: I swear I've been having the worst migraines these past few days but anyways, here's adding to the yoongi birthday project . I really liked this one.

masterlist. tarot masterlist. astrology masterlist.

There’s a lot to be said about Producer SUGA, if the way that half the deck keeps falling off is anything to go by. There are, however, two main points about him and his craft that link it all together. Anything and everything he works on, is sure to contain a piece of his mind and his heart in it.

Producing for Yoongi is an outlet first and foremost, it enables him to let go of the emotions that lure over him, a sort of escapism if you must. Which makes all the more sense given how he has segmented these sides of him, clearly apart from Min Yoongi via SUGA and AgustD, still acknowledging them as part that coexist yet with clear boundaries as to the function they serve (8oC) It is pretty clear to him that producing music comes from a place of sadness, yet it isn’t about emotional baggage or weeping loses but rather as a sign of how far he has come in terms of his mental health. A gentle reminder of how things can get better even if you don’t start off with the right choices, it’s all about accepting and moving on without forgetting but also without holding grudges (6oS) He’s also a bit too much aware that as a producer he can come off as intimidating – at least to some extent and to some people– and he’s fine )? With that. Not in an arrogant way but rather in a ‘look how far I’ve come and dwell on how you belittled me before’ type of way. The man is humble, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t acknowledge the way he’s got a ‘throne’ as a producer (KoS rx) , he knows he’s got a lot of deals, but he produces for himself first and foremost. He doesn’t plan on producing losing his innermost touch of the reason he does things, I keep thinking that perhaps he doesn’t quite accept for himself the effort and credit he actually does put out. When producing he does so himself, gets the credit and gets a sense of that’s what I wanted to do. If he co-produces, it doesn’t feel like he asks or cares for much credit in it (I keep thinking this man has a lot more produced songs under his name than the ones he lets the world know) (9oC)

When it comes to astrology, his Capricorn 10th House comes in to tell us something similar to his reading, his career (say: performer + producer) is a big part of his self identity. He likes to be in charge of what he does, which we’ve seen him do in terms of his personal projects, he likes being responsible of his own work, keeping it the way he likes best. His 2nd House in Taurus (surprise another Earth sign, I love this man) lets us see that he values the context he finds himself in in ways that are extraordinary, even more so as to translate them into his career, his works will always contain a bit of himself in them, the people around them, his experiences in life. The keyword to the way that he develops his work is strength. Whether it is by being resilient and being able to transform his past experiences into beautiful masterpieces, for holding onto his own personal values at work, it’s all there in his Leo 6th House.

Deck Used: Mystic Mondays

[amindofstone]

Match up No. 13

glasses-and-bandana-s hat gefragt:

Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you for a match up if you don't mind? 👉👈

My name is Nille, I'm 20, bi and I use she/they pronouns. I'm a college student in 3D animation 😊 I'm a pretty passionate person and hiding my emotions is not smth I'm good at or like doing for that matter. Aside from that, I try to be more laid back and relaxed. Being the mom friend, putting myself aside and stressing over everything for 6 years was enough for me 😅😂 I'm naturally curious and I try my best to be kind and helpful.

I like learning languages, all art forms (making and history), traveling and baking. I am a MASSIVE movie nerd, especially when it comes to animation.

I don't like my dad, feeling lonely, being underestimated and the snob mentality we have towards animation in the West (I can and will fight ppl over it).

As for a short physical description: I'm 1m69, have an hourglass figure and I'm as pale as a sheet of paper. My hair is a dark brown pixie cut and my eyes are green/grey. Oh and dem freckles lol.

Thank you a lot for your time and energy. Please take your time (not just with this request, but with all of them), your health goes first 💕 Take care and thank you once more 💕

~quartermera

a/n:

Hey! How are you doing? I hope your doing good. First of all I apologize for making you wait for so so sooooooo long. It´s just that I had a lot to do for college and was really worn out after I was done with the biggest exams I had. I am really sorry. Like I really felt bad when I started to work on your request and that of the others. Thinking about the fact that I still have a lot do finish makes me actually want to cry… AnYwAySSSS. That’s not the point. Thank you so so much for requesting. You seem to be a great, creative, super nice and fun person. Therefore I really hope you will like with what I came up with. But if not let me apologize in advance. Tell me when your disappointed or if there is something you do9n´t like. I will work on it.

Other than that my dear requester, happy reading!

Match up rules can be found HERE.

Warning(s): Maybe grammatical or spelling mistakes since English is my third language and I´m still improving in every aspect (Please have mercy on that.)

!!! Please do not steal my idea or work. Credit me if this is shared or published in any other platform or any other way. Please respect me as the writer and my work. Picture is not mine. Credits to: please tell me when you know who made this beautiful masterpiece so I can give credits and tag them. Found it in google pictures(?). Thank you in advance. !!!

- I´m gonna be honest with you. I was struggling. Like struggling real hard. Like was sitting in front of my laptop with a picture of Shanks and Ace in front of me while trying to figure out who to choose. But then Luffy popped up at some point but then vanished only to be replaced by Sabo. He at some time vanished too and I was back at wondering if I should take Shanks or Ace. But then I thought about Vivi and I was getting nervous. BUT. A FTER A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. I MANAGED TO CHOOSE! And here we are my dear. I will be pairing you up with Bartolomeo.

- ….

- No! Jokes aside now. I´m pairing you up with Ace. XD

- You were part of the Whitebeard pirates since a year now. You enjoyed every single day o sea while living your best life.

- You got along with every crew member, no matter if there were male or female. You were one of the youngest members and one of the most loved one. Not gonna lie you sometimes were even called Pops little princess. The way he always called you to sit next to him during meals was always adorable. But everyone understood why. You were a chill and cheerful young lady. You were easy going and sweet. You always tried your best to help wherever you could. There were a lot of days in which you did the least liked tasks what always got Pops to get mad at the boys for making you do it. But you never cared. You enjoyed and liked being helpful.

- You took care of every crew member. Mostly when some of them came back from a missions /fights. You loved all of them and always genuinely showed it what made everyone appreciate and respect you for being with them.

- And whenever you did not help out any crewmate you would be hanging out with Ace.

- Ace. That reckless and sometimes clumsy man was the best part of being out on the sea as a pirate.

- They say that a princess would never leave her comfort zone voluntarily. For nothing and no one. But if it´s a person that is able to make them forget who they are and treat them like a normal human being, they would drop anything and anyone to be with them.

- And exactly this was the case. You were part of the royal elite on a island that was located at the first half of the grand line. You were an intelligent and open minded young royal, that was liked by the civilians but hated and despised by the royalty for being hard working to achieve your dreams and fulfill all of your wishes. They didn´t like the fact that you did not make others work for you while you did nothing but enjoy life as a royalty. (Not gonna lie I was inspired by a character of another anime I recently started. XD). They wanted you to follow the words of the elders and simply focus on your appearance so the prince can fall in love with you.

- You hated your life there. You hated your family. You hated the norms and values they lived there. The only thing you wanted was to get out and live your life as a normal human being when Ace appeared out of nowhere and dragged you around the island in hope to find a good restaurant that served good meat.

- This might sound ridicoulus but that was your first encounter. Your first encounter with a man that did not bow in front of you, placed a kiss on your knuckles, made you tons of compliments and had a stupid conversation about the weather.

- He came up to you and asked if the old grumpy looking man was botheting you and if you wanted him to punch him. He was ready to fight the stranger for a stranger. But when you told him that the grumpy man was your father he shrugged his shoulders and just repeated his question. His beahviour made you laugh and you told him that as much as you wanted him to be punched in the face he still was your father. So you asked for his name and lead him around the park you currently were at. But the poor man got bored and made you lead him to the market so he could eat.

- Whenever you would think about your first encounter with him you would be smiling and thanking the gods for sending you such a good hearted and nice man. A man that slowly and with more days and weeks passing turned into your boyfriend who turned you, a well mannered and raised royal into a navigator of one of the strongest pirate crews.

- Ace never held you back from doing what you liked or wanted to try. In fact he always encouraged you to keep doing that and always made sure no one was bothering you.

- There was one think you really appreciated. And that was his habit of always being around you. No matter what the circumstances were. There was a party? He always made sure to keep an eye on you. The whitebeared pirates were docking on one of their islands? Ace would be holding your hand and show you around. He would go out to eat. He would always drop by at your cabin to ask if you wanted to join him.

- Ace knew that you didn´t like being alone since you were always left alone by your family so he alwys tried his best to accompany you.

- As much as you loved and appreciated him, there was one thing that always and forever will be overwhelimg to you. and that’s the fact that the most energetic and reckless man was able to fall asleep in a blink of an eye. Like you could be talking to him and look away for a second just to find him snoring on the ground when you searched for his eyes. Like WtF! How is he able to sleep on the ground so peacefully?!

[itsclydebitches]

Here's a quandary I've suddenly found myself in: where do you stand on writers deleting their own works, fanfiction or otherwise? I've had this happen to me on more than one occasion - I go to look for an old favorite and find it's since been deleted from whatever site I read it on.

On the one hand, I'm inclined to think that, "Sure. The author wrote it, it's their call. I don't own the work - I certainly didn't pay for it. It's their decision, even if it's disappointing."

But at the same time I can't help but consider the alternative - if I believe in death of the author (and I do), that an author's work fundamentally isn't solely theirs once it's been published, posted, etc., then it also seems wrong to have a work deleted. Stories aren't the sole property of their creator, after all.

But then I circle back. D'you think there are different obligations between authors and readers and the works being made in fandom space? I know if I had bought a book and the author decided they wanted it back, I would feel pretty comfortable telling them no, given I'd paid for it and whatnot. But that's a different world from fanfic and fandom space generally.

So. You're insightful Clyde, I'm curious as to what you'll have to say here (and to all y'all thinking about it, don't flame me. I haven't decided where I stand here yet - haven't heard a good nail-in-the-coffin argument for or against yet).

Val are you a mind reader now? I’ve been thinking about this exact conundrum the last few days!

(And yeah, as a general disclaimer: no flaming. Not allowed. Any asks of the sort will be deleted on sight and with great satisfaction.)

Honestly, I’m not sure there is a “nail-in-the-coffin argument” for this, just because—as you lay out—there are really good points for keeping works around and really good points for allowing authors to have control over their work, especially when fanworks have no payment/legal obligations attached. In mainstream entertainment, your stories reflect a collaborative effort (publisher, editor, cover artists, etc.) so even if it were possible to delete the physical books out of everyone’s home and library (and we're ignoring the censorship angle for the moment), that’s no longer solely the author’s call, even if they have done the lion’s share of the creative work. Though fanworks can also, obviously, be collaborative, they’re usually not collaborative in the same way (more “This fic idea came about from discord conversations, a couple tumblr posts, and that one headcanon on reddit”) and they certainly don’t have the same monetary, legal, and professional strings attached. I wrote this fic as a hobby in my free time. Don’t I have the right to delete it like I also have the right to tear apart the blankets I knit?

Well yes… but also no? I personally view fanworks as akin to gifts—the academic term for our communities is literally “gift economy”—so if we view it like that, suddenly that discomfort with getting rid of works is more pronounced. If I not only knit a blanket, but then gift it to a friend, it would indeed feel outside of my rights to randomly knock on their door one day and go, “I actually decided I hate that? Please give it back so I can tear it to shreds, thanks :)” That’s so rude! And any real friend would try to talk me out of it, explaining both why they love the blanket and, even if it’s not technically the best in terms of craftsmanship, it holds significant emotional value to them. Save it for that reason alone, at least. Fanworks carry that same meaning—“I don’t care if it’s full of typos, super cliché, and using some outdated, uncomfortable tropes. This story meant so much to me as a teenager and I’ll always love it”—but the difference in medium and relationships means it’s easier to ignore all that. I’m not going up to someone’s house and asking face-to-face to destroy something I gave them (which is awkward as hell. That alone deters us), I’m just pressing a button on my computer. I’m not asking this of a personal friend that is involved in my IRL experiences, I’m (mostly) doing this to online peers I know little, if anything, about. It’s easy to distance ourselves from both the impact of our creative work and the act of getting rid of it while online. On the flip-side though, it’s also easier to demean that work and forget that the author is a real person who put a lot of effort into this creation. If someone didn’t like my knitted blanket I gave them as a gift, they’re unlikely to tell me that. They recognize that it’s impolite and that the act of creating something for them is more important than the construction’s craftsmanship. For fanworks though, with everyone spread around the world and using made up identities, people have fewer filters, happily tearing authors to shreds in the comments, sending anon hate, and the like. The fact that we’re both prefacing this conversation with, “Please don’t flame” emphasizes that. So if I wrote a fic with some iffy tropes, “cringy” dialogue, numerous typos, whatever and enough people decided to drag me for it… I don’t know whether I’d resist the urge to just delete the fic, hopefully ending those interactions. There’s a reason why we’re constantly reminding others to express when they enjoy someone else’s work: the ratio of praise to criticism in fandom (or simply praise to seeming indifference because there was no public reaction at all), is horribly skewed.

So I personally can’t blame anyone for deleting. I’d like to hope that more people realize the importance of keeping fanworks around, that everything you put out there is loved by someone… but I’m well aware that the reality is far more complicated. It’s hard to keep that in mind. It’s hard to keep something around that you personally no longer like. Harder still to keep up a work you might be harassed over, that someone IRL discovered, that you’re disgusted with because you didn’t know better back then… there are lots of reasons why people delete and I ultimately can’t fault them for that. I think the reasons why people delete stem more from problems in fandom culture at large—trolling, legal issues, lack of positive feedback, cancel culture, etc.—than anything the author has or has not personally done, and since such work is meant to be a part of an enjoyable hobby… I can’t rightly tell anyone to shoulder those problems, problems they can’t solve themselves, just for the sake of mine or others’ enjoyment. The reason I’ve been thinking about this lately is because I was discussing Attack on Titan and how much I dislike the source material now, resulting in a very uncomfortable relationship with the fics I wrote a few years back. I’ve personally decided to keep them up and that’s largely because some have received fantastic feedback and I’m aware of how it will hurt those still in the fandom if I take them down. So if a positive experience is the cornerstone of me keeping fics up, I can only assume that negative experiences would likewise been the cornerstone of taking them down. And if getting rid of that fic helps your mental health, or solves a bullying problem, or just makes you happier… that, to me, is always more important than the fic itself.

But, of course, it’s still devastating for everyone who loses the work, which is why my compromise-y answer is to embrace options like AO3’s phenomenal orphaning policy. That’s a fantastic middle ground between saving fanworks and allowing authors to distances themselves from them. I’ve also gotten a lot more proactive about saving the works I want to have around in the future. Regardless of whether we agree with deleting works or not, the reality is we do live in a world where it happens, so best to take action on our own to save what we want to keep around. Though I respect an author’s right to delete, I also respect the reader’s right to maintain access to the work, once published, in whatever way they can. That's probably my real answer here: authors have their rights, but readers have their rights too, so if you decide to publish in the first place, be aware that these rights might, at some point, clash. I download all my favorite fics to Calibre and, when I’m earning more money (lol) I hope to print and bind many for my personal library. I’m also willing to re-share fic if others are looking for them, in order to celebrate the author’s work even if they no longer want anything to do with it. Not fanfiction in this case, but one of my fondest memories was being really into Phantom of the Opera as a kid and wanting, oh so desperately, to read Susan Kay’s Phantom. Problem was, it was out of print at the time, not available at my library, and this was before the age of popping online and finding a used copy. For all intents and purposes, based on my personal situation, this was a case of a book just disappearing from the world. So when an old fandom mom on the message boards I frequented offered to type her copy up chapter by chapter and share it with me, you can only imagine how overjoyed I was. Idk what her own situation was that something like scanning wouldn’t work, but the point is she spent months helping a fandom kid she barely knew simply because a story had resonated with her and she wanted to share it. That shit is powerful!

So if someone wants to delete—if that’s something they need right now—I believe that is, ultimately, their decision… but please try your hardest to remember that the art you put out into the world is having an impact and people will absolutely miss it when it’s gone. Often to the point of doing everything they can to put it back out into the world even if you decide to take it out. Hold onto that feeling. The love you have for your favorite fic, fanart, meta, whatever it is? Someone else has that for your work too. I guarantee it.

So take things down as needed, but for the love of everything keep copies for yourself. You may very well want to give it back to the world someday.

[trivia-bangtan]

after (jjk) - 005

pairing: patient!oc x patient!jungkook

genre: friends to lovers au, kinda a hazel and gus trope, | lots of angst, fluff and suggestive themes

warning: this chapter gets extremely dark 😭 (nothing new lol)

authors note: omfg im so sorry it’s taken me so long to post 😩 the schedule might change from now on bc my schedule changed 😅 but hope u guys enjoy it 😩😩

there's a phobia called agoraphobia. it’s basically the fear of places and situations that can cause panic, helplessness and/or embarrassment. usually, i can deal with it. but things like cringe worthy scenes and overly cheesy romance is unavoidable.

especially being friends with jeon jungkook.

i knew better than to hand out my phone number to just anyone, but i thought maybe jungkook would be so busy with his own life, he would leave me alone.

for his parents' sake, i hope he had unlimited talk and text for his plan. the boy texted me first thing in the morning and every hour or so. he would call me at night, sometimes even facetime me, just before he went to bed. and even when we would hang up, he would still text me goodnight.

the only other person i would talk to everyday, other than my parents, is hoseok. hoseok was my older cousin, but one of my closest friends as well. but even hoseok gave a break during the day to allow some “me time” for the both of us.

jungkook was relentless. he would always text me “good morning sunshine” and then text me “good night my moon”. what the hell even was that?

as much as it was annoying, it was endearing in a sense. i guess it was nice to have someone other than family constantly checking up on me. but some part of me couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of what namjoon had said and if he felt obligated to have to talk to me.

i knew jungkook wasn’t like that. but a small part of me couldn’t help but convince myself that it could be true.

“so the guy texts you all the time? it’s not a big deal,” hoseok said, sitting across the island in his kitchen. i stuck my fork into my bowl of fruit, impaling a small blueberry in the process.

“i mean, it’s not but it’s weird. hobi, i’ve never had someone crave to talk to me so often. and i swear it has to be because of what our counselor said,” i mumble.

the thing about hoseok is he has an aura that gets you to spill all emotions. much like jungkook. but the difference between the two of them in my life is that i’ve known hoseok a lot longer and can confirm he can keep his mouth shut.

“well contrary to your belief, you’re a decent person to have around,” he shrugs, giving a strawberry in his mouth. i snort at his comment and roll my eyes.

“wow, what a compliment. it’s a wonder you’re single,” i chuckle, shoveling the fork full of blueberries into my mouth.

“i’m single by choice. what about you?” hoseok smirks, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” i asked, laughing at his expression.

“what?”

“the whole thing?” i respond, laying my fork down onto the counter, leaning onto it with my elbows, forearms flat as i folded my hands.

“i’m single because i choose to be. i prefer comforting solitude than forced company,” he shrugs, continuing to shovel fruit into his mouth.

“forced company?” i ask.

“yeah. like, just because we’re together, they feel obligated to HAVE to hang out with me or invite me everywhere when, in reality, i don’t give a damn. i mean, you know me. we both value our solitude and respect that. but it’s hard to find someone that understands that. and then i’m the bad guy for wanting alone time when really, it’s a mental health break,” hoseok explains, his eyes locked onto the bowl in front of him.

his statement surprised me. he was always such a people oriented person. as kids, he was the first to make friends between us and always such an extrovert. it kind of hurt to know eventually his whole personality switched. but maybe being so wrapped up in my world and in my own issues, i failed to acknowledge the people around me.

the atmosphere changed after that. almost as if there was a sad reminisce in the air.

“do you think you’re forced to keep me company?” i blurted. i couldn’t deny, the thought crossed my mind multiple times before. was everyone around me just babysitting to make sure i didn’t hurt myself?

i couldn’t tell. i knew asking would be dumb. hoseok would never tell me the truth. he’s usually a pretty blunt and up front guy, but he would never outright hurt my feelings. which saddened me even more. would he willingly lie to comfort me? knowing what i knew?

“do you think i am?”

“yeah,” i honestly admitted. we both sat in silence, taking in my answer.

it wasn’t a lie. like i said, the thought had crossed my mind. every time he placed his phone down on the table to force himself to give me his attention. the way he seemingly dropped everything immediately if i asked him to hang out with me or pick me up some place. how i never heard of him being with friends.

the more i sat there, the more i threw myself into overdrive, thinking until my head started to pound from overthinking.

“well, you’re wrong,” he sighed. my eyes flitted up to gaze at his face. he looked sullen, almost like my answer had upset him. i released a silent huff through my nose, smirking in the process.

“you don’t have to protect me,” i murmured quietly.

“my mom called me. she begged me to come home one day. i didn’t understand it at first, but she's my mom. i did as i was told. when i got home, she didn’t say anything, just told me to get in the car. i remember thinking to myself ‘what’s got her feeling this way? why is she being ominous with her actions?’ the whole drive, she said nothing,” hoseok said, a distant look in his eyes.

“she ended up pulling over at some park. it was late, so i didn’t recognize it at first. but then i realized what park it was. it was the park we went to as kids. and, again, i kept wondering to myself why she was being enigmatic with her actions. and then she spoke. she said six words and then didn’t speak the rest of the week,” he said, his voice shaken with sadness.

“what did she say?” i asked softly, my voice a mere whisper. hoseok looked up at me, his eyes glazed red.

“your cousin tried to kill herself.”

i felt like the air had come out of my lungs.

it’s funny, people like to talk about your attempts, but nobody ever tells you where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. nobody tells you the pain they feel or the hurt. the anger or the betrayal. they pretend like what they felt didn’t happen to convince themselves it wasn’t real and they could move on. because it didn’t work and you’re alive.

but hearing hoseok tell me about his experience, it stirred something in my heart and i hadn’t felt in a long time.

regret.

“she didn’t even mention if you survived or if you were okay. that’s all she said. and because she was crying, i assumed the worst. i had assumed you died. and it felt like everything in me… stopped working. like, i forgot what it was like to not have you by my side. every… every memory, every laugh. every inside joke. it was like a corny ass film playing at 2x speed in front of me. my mind kept telling itself this can’t be real. she wouldn’t do that to me’. but the longer we sat there and the harder she cried, i couldn’t take it. i jumped out of the car and just started running. i didn’t know where i was going but i just had to run because the car was so suffocating, i thought i was gonna pass out. and i kept asking myself ‘why her? why couldn’t she just talk to me? why didn’t she tell me she was hurting? does she know how much i love her and that i would do anything to keep her here?’ and then i was pissed because i thought you had abandoned me. that you didn’t care about me or your parents or my mom. but then… once i stopped running… i felt bad for you. because i could never imagine the amount of loneliness you must’ve felt thinking the only way to solve this was to end it all,” he said through his compendious recount of that night. i could feel the hurt and regret make its rounds in my heart, forcing my body to follow. it physically ached to hear hobi recall every moment of that night. “i’m sorry,” i cried out, crying into my hands.

“that’s why i hang out with you. that’s why i talk to you. because i don’t want you to feel that kind of loneliness ever again,” he admitted, sniffling. the hurt and regret only further festered and made me cry over hard to the point where i felt like i couldn’t breathe. hoseok stood from his spot, making his way around the island. he stood in front of me, pulling me into his chest, my arms wrapping around his waist. i hadn’t hugged anyone in years, and the amount of care and love hoseok had emitted through his hug made me cry even more.

“and that’s why i’m so glad you have jungkook. because when i can’t be there, at least he is,” he explained, rubbing small circles in my back.

though my doubt was still heavy, and i felt as if he had an ulterior motive, hoseok’s words comforted me in a way.

jungkook had been nothing but kind, never intrusive or inquisitive about my history or my feelings. he spoke to me because he wanted me to know that he cared.

and for the first time in forever, i felt something else too.

hope.

[earthqueefnation]

Okay I realize I'm asking a heavy question, so please don't take this as seriously as I am, I'm just hoping for a pick me up/entertainment from you lol - anyway, due to life events I've found myself in a situation where I get truly horrible, constant intrusive thoughts, they're easy to combat, especially since I've been a pacifist most my life, still am, that's not going to change, it just makes me so sad and oh man they ruin the mood EVERY time, but I've been entertained by the idea recently that it's coming from some less friendly aliens?? ofc I'm grounding myself in reality, no need to worry about that on your part, I've just always been fascinated with how beautiful and amazing life is and, by extension, especially aliens :p (you can skip what's in this bracket, it's me needing to deal with my intrusive thoughts because they're being stupid af rn, I feel I need to say this - I love life, therefor I'm a pacifist) - seeing a comment by someone unfortunately going through the same sort of thing as I and seeing that tin foil helped her won't pull me from my reality, but, it's so entertaining, not in a bad way ofc, no one should have to worry about hurting anyone, no one should hurt anyone, It's just nice being able to point at my intrusive thoughts in a way that's healthier than how I normally deal with them (usually I just get mad at them and then mad at myself because I know I need to be nicer to myself, I'm too hard on myself) I didn't really come in with a concrete question as much as I want your thoughts on this, I love your posts and kinda felt I had to get your opinion on it because I look at the sky and KNOW peeps are chilling, looking at earth and are sad seeing the conflict, to put it lightly, going on. Hope this book wasn't too much lol, again dw about your response, my mental health is pretty bad rn but I'm tough, am chilling, looking at the sky knowing we humans need to actually work together, stop climate change, help heal everyone, help keep everyone safe, etc, just like you :)

Thanks for talking to me. For a moment I thought my mission was useless and that I’m watching too much TV, until this message. There are so many more peeps up there than you can ever imagine and yes some of them are unfriendly. Blaming your intrusive thoughts on them is more accurate than you might think. If you observe humanity, you might notice a race living in slavery, as you seldom find people that feel truly free. Very few humans feel able to do what they want with their lives. It saddens me and the friendly peeps looking out for you, but it’s like a great battle of good vs evil. The good being your authentic, content self and the evil being everything that blocks you from living this truth. The unfriendly aliens use clever manipulation strategies that span over thousands of years (due to their far greater lifespans) to convince humans that they are powerless or broken, that they should judge themselves and feel guilt. You might notice this being enforced by the media, religion, societal values etc. It’s all things blocking you from realizing your power, because if you did, you wouldn’t live like slaves and the unfriendly ones wouldn’t be able to exploit you. Yes, this concept is extraordinary, but the truth remains. If you see your intrusive thoughts as tactics of manipulation, you will find it easier to rise above them and stop giving them your energy, maybe learn something new about yourself that’s more beneficial to you. Eventually the intrusive thoughts won’t have the power to convince you to give them energy anymore, and you will feel free.  Once you have cultivated freedom for yourself, you will teach others how to be free by simply being. It’s a domino effect and eventually the entire human race will be free. I hope this was of some use to you or that it at least provided you with the entertainment you were hoping for :)

If not, here’s a joke: How does the farmer count all his cows?

Answer: With a cowculator ;)

[todomitoukei]

thank you @haleigh-sloth for the tag and the shoutout ♥♥!!!

1. How do you begin writing your analysis: do you start writing about the first thing that strikes you; or do you step back and look at the narrative structure first; or something else?

Hmm depends. I mean a lot of my metas are answers to asks about specific topics/scenes that I receive, so I already have the topic for the meta and then usually just start writing my response however it comes to my mind, only stopping if I have to look stuff up if I don't fully remember scenes/lines that I'm talking about. Once that's done I go over it a couple of times to edit/rearrange/format, etc. When I do my translation comparison posts I just write down the translation first and then do the analysis (I kinda go back and forth all the time when doing this because sometimes I don't feel like doing the translation part anymore and sometimes I don't know how to phrase my thoughts for the analysis part so it's just kinda chaotic and unstructured, but slowly turning into a continuous text)

2. What do you like to keep in mind while writing your analysis/meta?

I like to include sources so that people don't just read my takes and run with them, but are able to check out the references for themselves, too, and draw their own conclusions from them while also getting more details from the sources. That includes referencing the manga by either quoting it or including panels when it comes to what characters have said/done within the story, as well as including sources to back up the conclusions I draw/takes I share (i.e. when talking about anything mental health-related)

3. Do you try to keep your value judgments separate from your analysis?

Kind of? I mean, my main focus is usually the original Japanese text, which is just pretty factual, however, if there is an opportunity to shit on Endvr, well...... :-*

4. Do you prefer analyzing characters, or arcs, or both?

Characters! I always prefer to focus on the psychology/philosophy of things and prefer to treat the story as being part of the characters to further understand who they are as people, rather than the other way around. That being said, society shapes people so I find focusing on the setting of the story very enlightening, too, so if a story has an arc that focuses a bit more on the society/world in the story, then I guess that is also worth analyzing.

5. Do you think receiving feedbacks/responses on your analysis/meta help improve your critical skills?

Nah, most of the criticism/"feedback" on here is from people who lack any kind of reading comprehension so I'm good lol. Writing meta helps me sort my own thoughts so I don't care too much tbh, I kinda prefer reading people's own separate metas in that case because I feel like I usually try to say everything I've wanted to say before pressing post. I do like to see people adding actual valuable insights/correct me when I was genuinely wrong or providing more resources, though, so don't be afraid to add anything to my posts (unless you're just gonna be rude and misinterpret everything I said)

6. Do you consciously decide which media you want to write analysis on or does it naturally come to you?

I mean... this is my bnha side blog so I'm just writing about that, and only because Dabi/the lov/the Todofam live in my head rent-free anyway :) and I honestly wouldn't even know what else to write about? The only other thing that I am absolutely obsessed with is Life is Strange, but it's just my comfort game/series so I don't really care about writing or reading about it.

7. Do you prefer writing long or short metas? Which ones do you prefer to read?

Long metas, both for reading and writing. But good formatting and panels also help to make it easy to read and not get lost in the text, so if the format is shit then short ones. Overall, though, long ones usually mean there are more points brought up and more references made, which means more details to better support the point that is being made. Also, I am unable to keep myself short so I think my posts usually end up being kinda lengthy even when I try to make them short? I definitely always end up debating with myself whether or not I should add a read more somewhere or if it's short enough that it won't piss people off when it appears on their dash, so if I've ever pissed you off... sorry lol.

8. Which are your favourite analysis/criticism/meta blogs?

@transhawks @redphlox @haleigh-sloth @hamliet @thyandrawrites are all incredible blogs that really make being in the fandom fun and I love their insights!

9. Which shows/movies/media do you think deserve to have more analysis done on them?

Hmmm, to be honest, I don't really interact with other fandoms, I usually just consume media and form my own opinions without looking into the fandom's overall take, so I don't know which fandoms don't have a lot of metas. As for which ones I overall think deserve to be analyzed a lot, I think Psycho-Pass, similar to bnha, has a lot of potential for talking at length about the ethics behind their society and how governments often mask their crimes as being for the greater good etc etc. Also, stories like Tokyo Ghoul, Violet Evergarden, and Angels of Death might be really good for metas, too....

10. According to you, what are some prerequisites for good quality analysis?

Providing resources - no one wants to have to fact-check everything on their own, so provide at least some sources for what you talk about. Good formatting is also important. No one wants to read a 10k single paragraph or have to reread a sentence several times because it stretches across a whole paragraph (this is @ Kant and @ me). Additionally, it's really helpful to bold/italicize words/phrases to make reading easier and more accessible.

Tagging: @transhawks @redphlox (I know haleigh tagged you too, but I'm a rebel >:])

[anotherredwoodoriginal]

AHHH hello love!!! i was wondering if i could request a ship for SOA? my name is noelle & i’m a bisexual cis female. i LOVE to travel & i value experiences over possessions. my family is the most important part of my life & it’s hard for me to live so far from them (i go to college across the country). i’m a people person & a sigma female, but i enjoy having some quiet time to myself. i think i’m pretty kind & caring, but do not cross me 👀 also, my dream job is either a comedian or working in film <3 i’m also considered the funny one who would do anything for a laugh & the ‘wild child.’ i like to go out and party a lot with friends. i also struggle/have struggled with substance abuse & eating disorders. i love to read and write, but not when it comes to school lol. i love to make mixtape cds and i also enjoy going on spontaneous adventures! i have a navel piercing, a sagittarius arrow (my zodiac) tattoo below my neck & my style is very 70s mixed with early 2000s. i thrift pretty much everything i own. i’m 5’3 & have darker blonde hair with blue eyes, i’m pretty chubby but i have an ass that won’t quit (; thank you so much!! 😩❤️

for sure it has to be kozik!!!! he gives me fun but domestic vibes and so do you! but let me elaborate:

he's totally down with dating bi chicks and would love to discuss hot girls with you

(he will let it be known that he is looking only!! the guys do mimics whips when he talks about you)

he 100% will show you the world from the back of his harley

i think his love language is acts of service, so i imagine him taking you to all these amazing places and doing amazing things, even if he wouldn't always buy you flowers. its not that he doesn't care, he just shows it differently!

i just see him as such a family man idk i think he'd love his mum, love doing family dinners etc. maybe i think that bc how bad he wanted a SAMCRO transfer? but i see him as someone who lives a very close-knit lifestyle.

so sorry koz is no alpha he needs you to tell him whats what and boss him around and maybe step on him a little

he is kind and caring but do not cross him. kindred spirits <3

he's funny and would 100000% help you write jokes and go to all your shows!! he's just so supportive and of all the guys i think he could best cope with a s/o in the entertainment industry

we've seen that he can be really kind and caring, so i can totally see him talking you down or just being there for you in a really intimate way when you are struggling with your mental health. i think he'd also be really understanding and respectful of any boundaries you set.

i already said i think he has a close-knit lifestyle, but he'd for sure rather spend a night at home massaging your feet while you read than a night at the clubhouse yk??

your styles seem very complimentary, he's like a rock n roll pretty boy and you're like 70's beauty I LOVE IT!!!

i hc koz as being one of the sons most likely to date a plus size/chubby girl

he's an ass man. thats just facts.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m still laughing my ass off over that one post that was going around a week ago with the fanon depictions of the Batboys vs more canon-accurate depictions, and the various ‘defenses’ people leaped to for why fanon is so much better, and its just like....yawn.

See, its not like fanon can’t be better, and isn’t better with some characters, its not that it can’t ADD nuance.

None of that’s the problem.

The problem is when people ONLY use it to DETRACT nuance and then are like ‘wow, whats the problem, whats the issue.’

Let’s take for instance the infamous matter of Dick’s alleged asshole behavior to Jason back when the latter was Robin, because of Dick’s issues with Bruce at the time.

Here’s the thing - even though that’s not what happened, it IS a fairly plausible examination of what could have happened, so its not like there’s no reasoning or justification whatsoever in exploring it. Its that....its not ever explored. Its just used to one-side a situation and render Dick unsympathetic while Jason’s propped up as having been victimized by him and Bruce is largely kept off-stage entirely.

But because quite frankly we just didn’t see much of their interactions back then, period, theoretically, adding more conflict in this vein still COULD have fleshed out that time period and added nuance every bit as much as my preferred additions of more positive interactions between them.

But people don’t add in these conflicts simply to add nuance, they add them in just to add BLAME.

The fanon isn’t the problem there. What you do with the fanon and why is the problem.

Its like my issues with the Jason-Kori-Roy friendship. It’d be one thing if Roy and Kori’s presence in Jason’s life was used to PUSH BACK against Jason’s belief that Dick hated him or didn’t mourn him or even just to provide more understanding or context about Dick’s position or side of things at the time to Jason when he gripes about him, so he’s a little more inclined to be understanding of what that was like for his brother thanks to the viewpoints of people whose POV he values and who in turn have always valued Dick’s POV and position in things. 

But instead everything about the years of sympathy and understanding and insight Roy and Kori have always had for and in regards to Dick are flushed down the drain in order to have them join in with Jason when it comes to bashing and griping about that asshole Dick Grayson. Once again....perfect opportunity to add more nuance and complexity to a situation and a character dynamic, with it almost universally being pounced on to provide the reverse...to TAKE AWAY even MORE nuance and complexity from a situation by erasing anything and everything Roy and Kori might actually feel about what’s being said or believed of this other person they have a history of valuing a great deal.

Or like I was just saying earlier today about how its almost completely forgotten or erased that Dick was shot in the head upon Bruce’s return from the timestream, and was in an eminently sympathetic/hurt position for Bruce and Tim and others to come together around and put aside their own invididual resentments at least for the time being, in order to support Dick throughout an extremely dangerous and debilitating wound and recovery period. The issue with erasing, ignoring or invalidating Dick’s many traumas isn’t that ‘oh we just don’t like all the characters angsting 24/7, sometimes its too much, we like fanon happy-go-lucky Dick because he’s different,’ its like.....lol no, because if you’re still capable of and looking to rip into that depiction of Dick for....get this....not being able to get/grasp/empathize with the kinds of and degrees of trauma you still uphold for all the others, you’re really just looking to make him look unsympathetic in comparison, and shift focus away from their LACK of support and understanding for him when he really justifiably needs it in order to keep that focus instead on their contempt or bitterness for him no matter what else SHOULD have been taking place for him at the same time.

For example....going back to the Dick and Jason’s early years scenario.....I talk all the time about the Brother Blood situation, but guess what else that situation has? A time frame that’s pretty directly applicable to this Dick and Jason enmity scenario so many of you posit, given that the first two times the Church of Blood had Dick captive and were literally said to have released him back into the world secretly under their control....he was still Robin! And the third time, when he finally broke free thanks to the others (and Jason) rescuing him, it was only then that he was Nightwing. Meaning all of that is PERFECTLY positioned to be a fantastic and compelling additional underlying cause of Dick’s alleged early issuers/grievances with Jason.....the same mental turmoil that led to him lashing out against the other Titans like Donna in that infamous fight, could just as easily be said to have contributed or even been entirely behind any shitty interactions with Jason you want to posit happening back in the day. 

And look at how tragically dysfunctional that makes all of that instead then....Jason resents Dick for something that ultimately, isn’t actually his fault since he was never lashing out while in sound mind but as an unknowing reaction to a mental battle against conditioning he didn’t even know was there at the time.....and this being a surprise revelation to Jason years later making him mentally reframe all their history, because Dick never said anything about this earlier because due to his guilt complex he felt it would have just been him making excuses or trying to let himself off the hook instead of a valid and understandable added layer of context. 

That’s SO much more compelling and interesting than just a one-sided ‘one brother is an ass to the other for no real reason whatsoever, at leat not one we’re willing to acknowledge as being anymore relevant than a random footnote’.....but the problem isn’t that people go off fanon vs canon, the problem is REGARDLESS of whether people are using fanon or canon, people just don’t WANT Dick’s position in any of these times to be sympathetic or understandable, they want him JUDGED for it, condemned. They’re not TRYING to craft interesting, compelling dynamics or situations, they’re trying to make him the bad guy, always the bad guy, and the other person just unilaterally his unfortunate victim.

Just like with Tim and Red Robin, for all that even when people are like ‘nobody was really at fault/its not like Dick had another option with Damian, etc’ in PRACTICE there’s literally no distinguishing between this take and ones where Dick is just wholly irredeemable for his unforgivable choice, because despite even lip service paid to the idea that Dick had his reasons for what he did, there’s no actual PAY-OUT ever given to the idea that he’s anything less than terrible a brother to Tim for it...like, fanon is never the issue here, its just straight up canon....being willfully picked apart and reframed to make the issue entirely one-sided. 

People pile on all the additional reasons Dick’s terrible for not taking into account Tim’s headspace at the time, like all the other people he’s lost in the last couple years comic book time, but again, at most there’s lip service about how Dick was going through a lot to, but its never added in to any degree that MATTERS or lessens the characters’ or readers’ vilification of him....while at the same time, there’s a willful disregard of and refusal to engage with all the other things and people Dick had lost in the same time frame, comic book time, like oh.....every single thing that happened in Bludhaven with Blockbuster, Tarantula and Deathstroke, given that the former was literally concurrent with Stephanie’s death and the latter right after Jack Drake’s death. 

There’s never allowed any resentment from Dick towards Tim for not giving a single shit about what he was going through at the time, or for assuming he had no idea how to relate to the depth of Tim’s grief as though Dick hadn’t literally gotten a front row seat to his entire city being nuked by Chemo in that exact same time frame, with it still being touted that Dick just didn’t have any understanding or empathy for Tim’s many losses of the time. There’s never any frustration allowed from Dick about how much Tim resents him for making him give up Robin when at the same time, it was Tim and mostly Tim alone who pushed Dick to give up being Nightwing and assume the Batman mantle when even Bruce’s will had expressed to Dick that this was not what he wanted for him. 

Again, never even time or focus given to Dick being shot in the head on Bruce’s return before using that to call in Bruce as reinforcements for Tim yelling ‘how could you do this to me,’ let alone any acknowledgment of the fact that Dr. Hurt, the very same villain that shot Dick in the head there, is the very same villain who had Dick locked up, straitjacketed, drugged up and on the verge of a lobotomy in Arkham for a week just BEFORE Bruce’s assumed death.....because lolol, it’d make people look pretty silly for taking Dick’s one comment about asking if Tim maybe needed to take a break and look after his mental health in Arkham to the extremes they did, if forced to acknowledge that at the time, Arkham was a TOTALLY different proposition due to how extensively Dick was invested in its rebuilding and overseeing its running thanks entirely TO that time, just before Arkham blew up and needed rebuilding from the ground up in Battle for the Cowl....because of the fact that Dick himself had just spent a week locked up and straitjacketed and drugged to the gills and on the verge of a lobotomy thanks to the oh so tender mercies of Dr. Hurt’s accomplices having the run of the place.

Because end of the day, the problem with this fandom and Dick Grayson is not fanon, and its not canon, its fandom. Its the willful DESIRE to not have any minimizing or mitigating context on display ever, so as to only keep the worst possible interpretation of Dick’s actions - either drawn from canon or fanon, whichever is most handy for a particular scenario - front and center. 

So yeah, the idea that fanon adds nuance or context to Dick’s dynamics with any of his family is hilarious, not because it CAN’T, but because too many people are just entirely too unwilling and uninterested in allowing it to, just as they’re uninterested in any interpretation of actual canon that provides Dick with a smidgen of empathy or understanding for his positions or choices.

Like, that’s the POINT of most of your fanon for him. To strip AWAY nuance. So how are you going to be out here acting like you’re really contributing something to his character that canon doesn’t provide, when really, its all the same to you across the board: Dick Grayson is never justified let alone sympathetic ever? 

[accioprozac]

hi 💗 I was wondering if you'd be willing to do a ship for hp lightning era? I'm an aries, a Hufflepuff and an INFJ. I'm a knowledge sponge and love to learn new things! I have books on anatomy, astronomy, proper herbology, the meaning of flowers, etc etc. I have long blonde hair and big, pale blue eyes and freckles, too. personality wise, I thrive off of relationships where I can banter with someone. I have a really soft personality despite being a bit of a snark sometimes. I love sappy romances and I write poetry and love to play piano. I'm a planner by nature, so I kinda always have neat notes w/highlighters and a planner with all my life figured out, but I still really value spontaneity. I'm actually quite sensitive though I don't let on (due to years of being bullied). I struggle with severe anxiety, depression and OCPD but right now I'm trying take control of my "fate". tired of depression ruling my life, the norm. I am an empath, to the point that I've had friends say I'm "psychic" (lol) because I can guess what they're thinking and I've predicted events moments before they've happened. it's really just intuitiveness 🤷🏼‍♀️ thank you!!!

Hi love!

Thanks so much for requesting!

I was torn between two characters so I wrote a little drabble for both! I hope you don’t mind!

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So first up:

Neville Longbottom

Neville is an absolute sweetheart. You and him were in the same Herbology class and bonded over your mutual interest in the subject.

He’s super shy around you at first because you’re pretty and smart and he’s nervous. As you guys talk more, he finds himself slowly falling for you.

He finds out that you’re into romance novels and reads a few you lend him. He ends up feeling super self concious because he could never be smooth and confident like Mr. Darcy or any of the other characters you held so close to your heart.

You two are casually sitting by the fireplace when he asks you if you want to date someone like the hero’s in the novels the read.

You laugh and say, “God no, these are just books, I like them, but I don’t need a Mr. Darcy.”

In a moment of boldness he asks, “What do you need?”

You blush and look away shyly, “I need someone who will make me laugh. Someone who will remind me that it’s okay to not be okay.”

Neville warmed at your words, “Well they do say ‘marry your best friend’ for a reason.”

You bit your bottom lip nervously, “You are my best friend.”

He blushed, panicking a bit, “Oh, I didn’t mean to imply anything, or make you uncomfortable. Maybe I should just leave-“

You cut him off with a kiss that surprises him as much as it surprises you.

You guys start dating and he’s a very attentive boyfriend. When you’ve had a bad day, he’ll cuddle with you and read you a book.

The second person I ship you with is...

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Fred Weasley!

Okay, okay, hear me out. Fred and you balance each other out perfectly.

He teases you endlessly because our boy can not cope with having a crush. All the teasing is very lighthearted and makes you blush more than anything, but if he ever does say something hurtful, he’ll instantly pick up on it and apologize.

He never pranks you, and doesn’t let George prank you either.

During Herbology, he plucked your book out of your hand and started reading from it, making little comments about it. “He kissed her ardently,” he read, before fake swooning.

In private, you would have found it funny, but you were in class and painfully aware of the 20 something students around you.

Your eyes fill with tears of frtustration and embarrassment, and he immediately stops. You snatch the book out of his hand and run out of class.

He feels horrible. For the next week, he literally follows you around like a lost puppy. Fred is shit with words, but he writes(or attempts at least) to write you a poem. It’s absolutely horrible, but it makes you laugh and smile to yourself.

He has a plethora of pet names for you, “Sunshine,” “Darling,” “Blondie,” and “Flower” being among his favourites.

He goes absolutely soft when you play the piano. It’s actually kind of entertaining to see your loud, outspoken Fred turn into a cuddly, sleepy boyfriend.

He also likes to listen to you read to him. Despite him insisting he doesn’t like your romance novels, he’s actually hooked. “Fine Darling... I guess you can read it to me if you want... *sigh* ” “Freddie, you’re not fooling anyone.”

You enjoy playfully bantering with each other, which always ends in uncontrollable laughter.

He tries to be spontaneous, but understands not to push you. He’ll say, “I have a surprise!” and shock you with a romantic picnic.

When you’re having a bad mental health day, he’s there for you. He’ll cuddle with you, make sure you eat and drink, and remind you how much you mean to him.

On your one month anniversary, he surprises you with a bouquet of flowers. He tells you the arrangement means, “I love you and you’re my everything.”

“I talked to a muggle florist, he was very helpful!”

He looks so proud of himself and you don’t have the heart to tell him that the flowers actually conveyed, “My head is a carrot.”

[serpentinerose]

hi! this isn't supposed to be ship or character hate, I'm just genuinely having a conflictual time reading 2ha. i'm on chapter 60 (so obviously I'm already pretty invested lol), but how do people get past the fact that cw is in love with a 15yr old disciple? maybe I'm just not at the part in the novel where that is somehow justified (i know he doesn't DO anything to moran, really its vice versa, but it's still kind of the thought that counts). does this q make sense? rly not supposed 2b hate!!

Hello anon! Thank you for your question. I think this is a morally gray point and surely will be one of the most common criticisms levied at 2ha, especially once it gets big when Hao Yi Xing is released. Some people would definitely classify Chu Wanning’s love for 15-year-old Mo Ran as very clearly immoral. I don’t love the minor thing due to my own ethnic Asian but Western-raised perspective, but I can kind of see why Meatbun made this decision. Keeping in mind how Chu Wanning was written as a character in the context of fantasy ancient China, I have a few thoughts on this. I tend to ramble a lot, so here is my word vomit:

1. Modern Western age of consent vs. classical norms. I think it is worth examining our own understanding of various constructs of the modern age, including the age of consent. It is no surprise that there was pretty much no such thing as an age of consent in the past; for women, it was whenever they started their period, and then they were eligible to marry. I think it is great that we now care a lot about age of consent; there is an enormous differential of power between a relatively young person and a more established, mature person, and knowing what we now know about prefrontal cortex formation (continuing until roughly the age of 25), it is good that we establish some boundaries. However, there does seem to be a mismatch between the biological point at which we are counted as fully mature and what we consider to be an appropriate age a person can be eligible for guilt-free sex. The age of consent is arbitrary to the point that it still varies in many parts of the world. What is considered immoral varies depending on context. Meatbun wrote 2ha following an established tradition in wuxia novels following the norms of that world. In the world of ancient China and especially fantasy ancient China, the fact that Mo Ran is a minor will not make anyone blink an eye. What is very scandalous, however, is that Chu Wanning is his teacher. One of China’s most famous wuxia stories, the Return of the Condor Heroes, features the love story between the protagonist and his female martial artist master. It has been some years since I returned to this story, but I am 99% sure that the disciple Yang Guo was a minor when their relationship began. Even removed from the Eastern world, Western classical traditions also extol the virtue of the erastes/eromenos sexual relationship. This does not mean I am saying it’s ok for someone to be attracted to whom we consider minors if we just move everyone to a historical setting, but we also have to be critical about how future generations will look back at our current norms and how we, too, will become abhorrent to them in some respect.

2. Chu Wanning as a person and the concept of love. The xianxia world of cultivation seems to de-emphasize the concept of sexual love even as sex itself is widely acknowledged as a method of cultivation. However, dual cultivation is also thought of in-universe as an inferior technique of cultivation, with self-cultivation held to the highest standard, meaning abstinence (I cannot find the reference for this, sorry, but probably somewhere in Book 1). I do not read Chu Wanning’s attraction to Mo Ran as sexual at all in book 1. [minor spoilers] Chu Wanning was raised by monks in a removed temple at the top of a mountain [/minor spoilers], and sexual desire is considered taboo and suppressed. Chu Wanning was so successful at this suppression that he quite simply does not even think about sex or sexual matters until [minor spoilers] book 2, when Mo Ran is much older and way hotter [/minor spoilers]. I think for Chu Wanning, the love he feels for young Mo Ran is romantic and protective, in that he would do anything to keep Mo Ran safe, puts Mo Ran’s interests above his own, and is quite divorced from sexual interests. One may note that every romantic touch between Chu Wanning and Mo Ran at that age was initiated by Mo Ran himself, and Chu Wanning just kind of sat there in shock, and if he did take comfort in those moments, I can’t really blame him with the heavy amount of seemingly unrequited love going on. Chu Wanning saw a spark of something pure and good in 14-year-old Mo Ran when Mo Ran first became his disciple, and through their time together, the spark only grew stronger and fueled Chu Wanning’s love. I don’t think Chu Wanning considered Mo Ran as a sexual being, nor did Chu Wanning consider himself a sexual being. Until book 2. Also, a re-emphasis that it is just so arbitrary that an adult having feelings for a 17-year-old is not ok, but it’s fine when that person turns 18, which leads me to...

3. Thoughts vs. actions. This goes into a philosophical slash kind of religious point about at what point does sin begin, at the thoughts level or at the actions level. Chu Wanning quite clearly believed it is the former. He suffered tremendous guilt over his love for Mo Ran because Mo Ran is his disciple, even if everything I said about the age thing did not count. The master-disciple relationship in ancient China is as sacred as the father-child relationship. There is a famous idiom, which goes “One day as a teacher, a lifetime as a father,” signifying how well this relationship is valued under a Confucian system. Flash forward to 1984 and the thought police, and then taking into account how Meatbun is writing this novel in censorship-happy Communist China, I think it is a pretty deliberate choice on Meatbun’s part to make Mo Ran’s starting age in the novel below the 18-year-old threshold of acceptability. Do we condemn Chu Wanning for what is in his heart, unvoiced, or for what he does? For all that Chu Wanning pines for Mo Ran, what he ends up doing can only be seen as virtuous. Even if someone reads his love for Mo Ran as sexual, does it negate what he chose to do instead? Contrast this with Nabokov’s treatment of the narrator in Lolita, which is a clear example of abuse. Chu Wanning loved Mo Ran at all ages, through all stages of both of their lives; it is not a fetish for him to seek out youth. It just so happened that Chu Wanning met Mo Ran at that point in both their lives. Overall, I think the moral judgment of Chu Wanning’s feeling is up for each reader to answer for themselves.

With all that said, my own context is that I’m a woman in my late 20s with relatively little trauma history raised within both the Sinosphere and “the West,” and so my experiences reading this novel and my own understanding of the characters and their motivations are colored through my own lenses. I am of the opinion that literature (I don’t think I’m being too generous in saying that 2ha counts as a piece of literature) should challenge your perception, expand your horizon, and get you to think critically about what you are consuming. Of course, I would prioritize your own mental health and safety if reading this novel is traumatizing to a more serious degree than feeling conflictual about the subject matter. Thank you for the very thoughtful question. It really helped me work through my own feelings about this pairing and Chu Wanning as a character.

[isolctions]

...........so let’s finally talk abt what the actual fucking fuck is wrong with ai’rina rue castillo, huh gang? :-)

(everyone go thank @armsdealing & @durcgs beating the anxiety out of me in order to post this info-dump.)

...before we get into things, now’s the part where i establish a warning for triggers to be discussed in this lengthy headcanon post. there’s gonna be some talks of mental illness, slight alcohol abuse, & breaking down topics of familial abuse, mental abuse, religious abuse, emotional manipulation, and elements of non-con. be warned.

a’ight, so look. i’ve hinted in between threads & development that rue had a not-so-fantastic upbringing that impacted how she perceives herself, how she interacts with others, (in terms of her career, at least) and how she views personal relationships, but i didn’t realize how........severely her upbringing messed with her mental health until i started working through how i wanted to plot out rue’s behavior for her next album release. at first, i had the idea that she decided to take more time for herself & sort of distance herself from the public / media circus plaguing her life so that she can create much more authentic music. then i actually listened to the EP that i’m basing her album off of and thought “...oh.” THEN, i looked over old meme responses & old threads / mentions of her family and how she grew up and thought, not for the last time since piecing everything together: “....oh. oh fucking boy.”

so, that horrible realization dawning on me, let’s talk about rue’s childhood.

i wrote a thing like, two years ago almost (that upon looking for last night, i realized i didn’t actually share it w/ anyone but alex in our discord server & only mentioned a portion of it in rue’s moodboard that i made) that talked vaguely about how rue felt growing up. and it’s worth noting that...she’s the middle of ten fucking siblings. and that’s just the brothers & sisters she knew of that stayed with their mother. and on top of that, not all of those siblings are the product of rue’s father, or even rue’s mother for that matter. and it’s also worth noting that rue not only grew up in poverty, but she grew up never having any actual space that had solely been her own, or even an article of clothing that had belonged entirely to her. so naturally, as a young child, rue sort of became torn between starved for attention & wanting someone to pay attention to her (whether that be her older siblings including her in something, whatever teacher they had for the next six months to call on her for something, for her mother to miraculously show up with her unknown father in tow one day, & for literally anyone to be her friend, pls god Notice her!!!) and for people to simply leave her the hell alone. obviously, this carried into adulthood.

and branching off from the whole “lack of space” point i made, rue wound up growing up to become increasingly more private as time went on because she literally cannot remember a single moment where she wasn’t squished between a bunch of people. driving around in their minivan? rue’s packed in the middle of the second row. nowhere to sleep while on the road? rue’s smacked between gigantic older brothers & clingy little siblings. need to use to bathroom? lmao, she better off going outside!!! gotta change clothes? yeah, good luck with that. it was to the point where, when rue got her first period, she was humiliated by it — not because ‘omg, am i a woman now?? wtf is this???’, but because she ruined the one good sheet that she slept on with her sisters & they were super pissed at her and her mother withheld pay from her for weeks. >:/

already, rue grew up never having shit to herself until the record deal. but she also dealt with literally...so much abuse from her mother. rue thought this was the norm growing up, because all of her siblings faced their mother’s wrath at some point & all of them eventually learned to just deal with the shit and do what she says if they wanted to avoid it. they all compartmentalized and repressed to varying degrees. there’s a lot in which rue has repressed so deeply, she doesn’t even remember if it seriously happened or if she was just making it up bc it was so fucking bizarre for a parent to act that way towards their child, lol?? (and this behavior of “i’m just going to do what you say bc i don’t want to deal with whatever bullshit you’re up to if i say no” also carried into business / personal relationships, which is...very Yikes it’s amazing she didn’t get scammed or worse!) 

so sure, people have complimented her for her exceptional manners & her cleanliness & how quiet / polite she is & how amazing her posture is, bc seriously, this girl will never experience back problems in her life bc her posture is so on par. but where rue typically smiles / responds bashfully, she can’t exactly just up and say: “oh, yeah, my mom used to slap the shit out of me ‘til i bruised if i spoke out of turn or talked back, and if i reached for anything in the store or put my elbows on the table she’d slap a ruler against my palms ‘til i got welts, and she’d make me read verses all night without sleep if i did anything wrong and make me straighten up and kneel on rice if i slouched or took a nap in church and humiliated me in public if i so much as looked at someone of the opposite sex on the street n oh, did i mention i also cleaned houses for rich millionaire snobs from ages twelve to sixteen and if they said or did literally anything to me i wasn’t allowed to defend myself?? ya i’m real proper :)”

(and normal ppl will go: “...................what the FUCK is WRONG with you????”)

but oh man, babe, we’re not done yet!!! rue, being the product of both a highly religious and a highly exploitative household...had difficulty when she started reaching puberty & noticing her classmates. plural, because it wasn’t just boys that she began to secretly have crushes on / fantasize abt, sexually or domestically. she also realized, oh shit, that she started looking at girls differently too. and that literally put the fear of god into her heart, bc if her mother ever found out that she was having non-platonic feelings for the girls in her classrooms, she wasn’t going to be pissed. her mom might have actually tried to kill her. or have her exorcised or something. she knew the shit would be severe, and she wanted no fucking parts of her mother or her siblings inserting the church into her personal life, thank u very much! so rue started suppressing her romantic feelings for people to the point where if adult rue receives intimacy, she’s like “...is this allowed? is this not illegal??????” while simultaneously being like “i will be a slut. just this once. as a Treat to teenage me. :>” regardless, rue learned to molotov cocktail literally any emotion or thought she had, bc she was paranoid that it would give her mother a vision.

now, onto the perils of exploitation...she should’ve been used to it really, what with her mother forcing herself & siblings to lure customers into their shop with promises of visions and palm readings and the wonders of the cards and overexerting their abilities. same with housekeeping, like being of service to people was normal! but when seventeen year old rue decided to sign a record deal and break from home, she wasn’t thinking critically about what the fuck all of this would entail. and as described in this headcanon post abt her discography, her early music was the product of allowing people much older & powerful than you to influence your work & manipulate your values. so rue was very much parading around as someone she wasn’t, someone much more confident and badass and self-assured than she really was, and she was so impressionable back then that it literally makes her sick to think back on it now. she calls it her puppy phase and phrases the eagerness to please execs as ‘tongue wagging’. homegirl hardly even knew her name anymore, bc all she was and all she would ever be was rue, the star, the vocal temptress. not ai’rina, the help or ai’rina, the seer, ai’rina, the weak little nobody. but later on, the subtle manipulation was less about decision making & how they wanted her to sound, and more about how they wanted to present the latest trophy star — because after all, she was pretty. people liked her. she sung really well. suitors weren’t too far off into the distant future. so why not kill two birds with one stone by having a high ranking label artist keep tabloids talking by being seen in public with a few heart throbs? surely, there’s no harm in manipulating an eighteen/nineteen year old’s love life! under the guise of improving her social skills & relations with fellow artists and the media and the like, rue gave into the pressures and let herself be taken out on dates & seen at awards shows with a few guys. no big deal. it was only for a night or so, she could handle the attention. then, one night appearances turned into week long appearances. pretending to date for only a month! completely innocent, positive exposure. :)

(adult rue, looking back @ younger rue: you stupid fucking BITCH-)

yeah, so once her label/management realized that she was turning into a hot commodity, they lost no sleep at allowing their nineteen year old artist to be seen ‘dating’ 20-24+ year old men occasionally. and whatever happened after their public appearances were none of their business. plus, she was good at pretending and being arm candy — so rue experienced her first kiss, her first dates, and her first times with people who she’s almost certain hardly remember their time with her, and really only got involved with her for a mutual career boost. very few of them does she actually remember in a positive light, and the ones that were positive, still depress her bc lmao all of it was fake, even if they were really nice & made it less like a chore and more like they actually wanted to be with her!! even fewer of them were actual relationships. meaning, said person asked her out of their own volition, not bc their managers thought it’d be a decent match on camera. it was evil, really, what her old label made of her. (like, she makes funny jokes that her first time having sex was awkward bc she had a vision halfway through that bummed her out but in reality it was just...really more of a transaction that made her feel icky n progressively worse abt herself until it happened more often and now she just doesn’t care anymore. sex is just sex, u know?? everything’s fake. why you gotta make it personal.) this whole fiasco took over the larger part of rue’s career from like, age nineteen to age twenty-two or so, and she suffered dramatically from this because what is even a genuine, authentic relationship at this point? what do u mean you want to get to know me? did ur manager tell you to ask so many damn questions & try to get to know me? obviously you want something from me bc that’s why everyone gets into a relationship or has sex with me, stop confessing feelings for me u fucking loser. >:/

like...rue doesn’t even have friends. outside of her relationship with marcelo / @armsdealing​ (which, AGAIN, i think was initially arranged to promote her song be honest, how fucking IRONIC), rue does not have any personal relationships with anyone. i mean, she likes her latest management team since switching labels...her hair stylist is rly cool & her make up artist is fun to vacation with...she met a few other celebrities at events that she occasionally texts & has dinner with...yeah, she’s basically a pretty hermit. her family is more or less out of the question — the few brothers & sisters she does still have a positive relationship with (like, four of them lol), they don’t see each other in person often / mainly communicate via groupchat and facetime calls when all of them have time. she tried visiting with her mother over the years, but the verbal & emotional abuse/curses placed on her/accusations of being an imp of satan for singing to the public/memories of being forced to perform psychic shows & clean for chump change keeps her from trying to mend that relationship. like, being gaslit by ur mother isn’t really the vibe, u know? and bottom line, rue simply is a very shy and socially stunted individual who does not know how to communicate like a normal human being anymore. hell, her life revolves around pretending for strangers at this point!

now, onto how...all of That ties into her behavior / state of mind during this next album. so, after riding the wave of success from her third album & the circus that came with that. rue sort of had a fucking existential crisis. came out of absolutely nowhere. (not nowhere — one of her brothers called her out of the blue and called her ai’rina and she literally went “who the fuck is that?”) told her label that she was taking some time in between albums bc she was creatively zapped or whatever bullshit excuse she came up with that somehow worked bc this new label was a little more understanding than the last. vacationed for a little, did some hot girl shit, bought a house, tried to see her mother again for whatever reason then got the shit slapped out of her and finally screamed at her to never touch her again unless she wanted to Throw Hands. cried and got drunk abt it. that took six months. bullshat to her label again, dropped like two songs to smooth things over, decided to focus on magic for a little to ground her, started partying with label mates then going home shitfaced & hungover every other morning. that took eight months. dropped one last song, promptly deleted her twitter, tried to write songs again, got a call from her mother and panicked and got drunk. that took a year. vacationed some more, got even drunker, was bed ridden for like three months because holy shit i’m having so many visions and if i see One More Thing my brain is going to explode, couldn’t separate the present from the future for weeks after that, told absolutely no one about that, cried every day & had an identity crisis, dyed her hair to appease the identity crisis goblins. that took a year and a half.

now, she just chilling. dyed her hair again. scaring her siblings halfway to death bc she keeps going on benders & sending cryptic texts abt the visions she’s getting but they’re so incomprehensible that they’re seriously considering moving in to get her fucking shit together. had a vision that she was married with kids and had a two week identity crisis appeased only by moving houses. (she was in a neighborhood with families...too much Drama and visions. turned into a really cool song tho.) started calling herself by her birth name of ai’rina in private. reactivated twitter to send cryptic tweets that her album is coming. working on said album. trying to drink less but kinda failing bc how is one simply supposed to make a highly personal dual album without alcohol??? prbly somewhere crying in marcelo’s lap or smthn. just vibes.

like...i feel like, in my head, the Theme of her project is wrapped up in identity. her relationship with fame and whatnot. trying to coax her childhood self out of its’ shell so that she can function like a normal goddamn person for once and re-establish her values. like, if someone went to any of rue’s residences right now, it’s just songbooks everywhere and wine glasses and her crystals and shit, bc she still has people’s futures to read for money. (yes, she never really got out of that portion of her childhood, but hey it pays.) it was all very confusing to experience at once while in bed at four in the morning & even though i tried organizing and debated on this, it’s still a Lot. which is why i am once again asking for plots that would allow her to dissect all these Things

so yeah. album four otw, with a side of confronting our childhood & facing our traumas!