#// i figure this is an excellent time to redo this

[silverb0wties]

Lemonade - Part 3

leah williamson x alessia russo x child!reader

Summary: When something bad happens to your Mummy and Daddy, you end up living with your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah.  But is there room for you considering they have a new baby on the way?

Chapter Summary:  You go back to school and you try and make yourself useful

Warnings: bullying, homophobia, misogyny 

|| Part 1 || Part 2 ||

PART 3

“30 days has September, April, June and November…”

You had set yourself the task today to make yourself a calendar.  Maths had never been your strongest subject in school, but you were excellent at remembering, so you knew the month song off by heart and were mumbling it to yourself as you began digging into your desk draw to retrieve some art supplies.

The decision to make the calendar had hit you last night when you were reading one of your new library books before bed and the return receipt slipped out of the back cover and onto your lap.  Normally, it was the very first thing you retrieved when you got home from the library, making sure to mark the return dates down on your big white board calendar on the fridge.  But you were still getting used an entirely new routine in your new house and you’d completely forgot to look for the slip.

Now that you had it though, you had to make sure you noted down the dates somewhere you could easily see them.  So, with a few pieces of paper, a ruler and some markers, you drew up a calendar for the next few months.  By checking the borrow date on the receipt and counting how many days it had been since your library visit, you managed to figure out what todays date was.  From there, and with the help of that handy month song, you’d managed to fill in the rest of the dates.   

When it was all completed you stepped back to examine your work.  If you were honest with yourself, your lines could have been drawn straighter and your handwriting could have been much, much neater.  But you didn’t have the energy to redo it, so it would have to do.  For now. 

You surveyed your room for someone to put it.  In your old house your calendar was on the fridge, out in the open for everyone to see and help you keep track of.  Here, it needed to be hidden from your Aunties, so that it was your responsibility, and your responsibility alone, to make sure you were staying on top of everything.

Everything.

A wave of guilt crashed over you as you remembered all the other things you would keep track of on your calendar.  Now that you were a big girl, you had been helping around the house and you had chores.  You would set the table and help take the cups and plates and spoons out of the dish washer (only Mummy and Daddy could touch the knives).  You would also check for mail every morning and there was a pretty purple watering can you got use to water the flowers in the front garden a couple of times a week.

But you didn’t do any of that here at your Aunties house.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Part of you worried that your Aunties didn’t trust you enough to ask you to help out around the house.  Perhaps they thought you weren’t smart enough or strong enough or big enough to lend a hand.  Or maybe they were secretly mad that you hadn’t insisted on helping and were keeping a top-secret list of all the times you didn’t help out and they would present it to you on a big, long scroll on the day they kicked you out their house.

You shuddered at the thought of that.  That was a day you thought about often.  You didn’t know how many days or weeks or months it was until the baby was here, but surely your time here at your Aunties house was running out.  You needed to do everything in your power to be good until then so that they didn’t kick you out any sooner.  

That night before tea, you made sure to wash your hands extra good before heading into the kitchen where your Aunty Lessi was cooking.  

“Aunty Lessi, could I set the table?”

“Oh sure!  If you’d like.  Just give me a moment and I’ll show you where everything is.”

You grinned in silent satisfaction, glad that it seemed like your Aunty wasn’t outright opposed to you proving your worth.  After your Aunty Lessi finished with whatever she was stirring on the stove, she led you over to various cupboards and drawers and pointed out where the placemats, plates and cutlery lived.  Whilst there were a few plastic cups in the same cupboard as the plates for you to use, the glasses your Aunties drank out of were on a higher shelf that were too high for you to reach.

“Don’t worry about those, I can grab them” she insisted.

“I could get a chair or something to stand on?”

“Don’t be silly, Bun Bun.  I’ll get them.  Thank you for getting everything else though.”

Silly. Silly. Silly.

Once you were all sat down for dinner, you watched your Aunty Lessi spin spaghetti around her fork before you took a deep breath in and began.

“Did I do okay at setting the table?”

“You did a great job, Bunny!” Your Aunty Leah was smiling big and bright at you.  She had a bit of sauce on her chin, but you thought it would be rude to tell her.

“Do you think I could do it every night?” you asked.

“Uhh… I mean, if you want to, sure.”

Victory.  One chore to add to the calendar.

“What about the post?  Can I be in charge of checking that too? Does it come in the mornings?”

You observed as your Aunties caught eyes with each other across the table, seeming to have a silent conversation.

“Umm, yes I suppose you could do that if you like,” Aunty Lessi nodded.

“Great!  And I can help empty the dishwasher.  No knives of course, but I can do spoons and plates and bowls and cups and stuff.  And maybe I can water some of your flowers, or all of them?  Or I can learn how to do other stuff too.  Like I could figure out how to do the laundry or clean the bathrooms or anything you want really…”

You hadn’t really realised, but you had pulled your knees up to your chest as your rant had gone on.  Your head was now resting on top of them as you looked eagerly between your Aunties, waiting for their response.  They were doing the silent conversation thing again.

“You don’t need to do all those things sweetheart.  We appreciate you offering, but maybe we’ll wait until you’re a bit older to do things like the laundry and stuff, yeah?” your Aunty Lessi responded.

You felt your stomach drop.  Your Aunty Lessi’s voice was kind, but you knew what her words meant.  They didn’t think you were big enough to help.

“How about we start off with setting the table for tea and checking the mail?  You’re still just settling in here, so we don’t wanna overload you with too much stuff to remember to do.”

--

It may have been bright and sunny outside, but today was a day you had been absolutely dreading.  You had decided to hang your calendar on the back of your bedroom door so that nobody but you would see it, and you had made sure to mark this day with a bright red circle and big a sad face.  Today was the day you were going back to school. 

You weren’t sure how it was decided or who decided, but you’d had a couple of weeks away from school after the fire and now it was time to go back.

You had only been back at school for 3 weeks of the new school year before the fire happened, so your parents had only just bought you brand-new dresses and shoes to replace the previous ones you’d outgrown.  Your pencil case had been filled with fresh crayons and sharp pencils, and you’d only just put a really cool new bunny sticker that your Uncle Gio had given you on your lunchbox.  But now, you had to start all over again.

So today, as you sat in front office with your Aunties, you were wearing a brand-new school dress and shoes and socks and Aunty Lessi had done your hair in a pretty braid with some pretty ribbons.  You also had a brand-new backpack and lunch box and pencil case, and you even had a brand-new iPad in a shiny purple case. 

In theory, you were all set to go.

But just under the surface, just beneath the layer of hairspray and the stiff gingham fabric, you were absolutely dreading heading back to the big noisy classroom and scary, sticky playgrounds.

You didn’t have heaps of friends at school like most of the other kids seemed to have.  You did have one good friend though.  Nora.  She also really liked to read and was super into comic books and superheros.  You didn’t really understand why she liked them, but you were more than happy to listen to her when she wanted to tell you all about them.  You would then tell her some cool bunny facts in return. 

This year the school librarian, Mr Webster, had let you both work on a big jigsaw puzzle every lunchtime.  He kept it safe and flat on a special piece of wood that he hid on top of his bookshelf in his office when you weren’t working on it.  It was a really, really big puzzle with loads more pieces than any other puzzle either of you had ever done before.  You were both determined to finish it before Christmas, but you weren’t sure if Nora had kept going while you were away.  You hoped she had but you also secretly hoped there was still some pieces left for you to do.  

Unlike previous years, Nora wasn’t in your class this year.  You were in Mrs Green’s class, and she was in Miss Roberts’ class.  You’d both written a letter to each teacher requesting to be swapped into each other’s class, but it hadn’t worked.  You were stuck alone in the classes you were in, and honestly, you were miserable. 

You see, it wasn’t that you didn’t have any other friends, that didn’t bother you much at all.  It was the fact that a bunch of the other kids seemed to actively dislike you.  In fact, the thing they seemed to like most in the whole world was picking on you.  They called you names and pulled on your hair and threw things at you.  You couldn’r really pinpoint exactly when it all started, but your first and most vivid memory was when Mitchell Timms had snatched your copy of The Worst Witch out of your hands one lunch time.  He threw it in a muddy puddle and stomped on it until all the pages were torn and the words had jumbled together.  When you ran over to try and save the book, a gift you’d received on your latest birthday, Mitchell just laughed at you and called you a “loser weirdo”. 

For the first 3 weeks of school this year, you had been sat next to a boy named Ollie and it had been awful.  He kept bumping your arm on purpose while you were trying to write and had laughed whenever you got frustrated that you had to erase and redo your mistakes.  One time he had even pulled your chair out from underneath you when you went to sit down, leading you to land on your bottom on the floor with a thud.  The whole class had pointed and laughed at you.  You had run out of the classroom and hid under a bench to try and calm yourself down.

When the teacher came to find you, you were curled in a ball, rubbing your Pocket Arthur softly against your cheek.  Pocket Arthur was your school buddy.  When you’d moved up from Reception into Primary School, your parents had bought you a miniature version of Arthur that you could keep tucked away in your pocket.  They said that now that you were going to big school, Arthur could no longer come along with you, but they wanted to make sure you still had a little buddy to always keep you company.  So, he was your Pocket Arthur, or Pockie for short. 

But he died in the fire too.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

So, on the night before you went back to school, you’d searched through your room, trying to find something to fill the big empty space left by Pockie when he died – the pocket of your school dress.  You tried crumpling up a wad of tissues, but the texture of it was all wrong.  Next you tried a balled-up pair of socks, but it felt scratchy when you tried rubbing it against your cheek.  You looked over the stuffies your Aunties had bought you, but they were all far too big to fit in your pocket.    

One of the stuffies caught your eye however as your dug through the little pile of toys.  It was on the bottom of pile, and you hadn’t seen it since you moved here.  It was a lovely and soft grey kangaroo, with pointy ears and a long tail.  You rather liked kangaroos, because while they were a completely different species to bunnies and could only be found in the wild in Australia, they kind of reminded you of really big rabbits.  As you pressed the soft fur to your cheek, something small fell in your lap.  Picking it up, you realised it was a baby kangaroo.  It must have fallen from the big kangaroo’s pouch.  It was perfect.  The perfect size, the perfect feel, the perfect squish.  You rubbed it against your cheek.  Bliss.  Holding it gently in your little hands, you squinted your eyes and ran your thumbs across the soft fur trying to figure out the perfect name for your new pocket pal.  Bailey.  She seemed like a Bailey.

And it was Bailey who you clung to, you hand shoved deep in your pocket, when the Headteacher Mrs Brinley called you all into her office.

You watched as both your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah shook hands with Mrs Brinley and then you all sat down on big uncomfortable chairs across the table from her.  You’d never been in her office before, so you took a moment to look around, noticing a bunch of certificates in big frames on the wall, a huge bookcase full of books and some photos of who you assumed were her family.

“Well, while we were very, very sad to hear about what has happened, we are glad that Y/K is back at school with us.  Hopefully being back in class will help her with getting back to her regular routine and schedule and assist her in feeling more settled.”

Her voice wasn’t unkind, but everything she said always sounded like she’d been rehearsing for it like it was a speech she had to give in front of the whole school.

“We have both of your phone numbers, as well as the number for your workplace, and we will call you should there be any issues.  But I’m sure Y/K will do just fine.”

Your Aunty Leah gently squeezed your hand that wasn’t firmly stuffed in your pocket, clinging onto Bailey for dear life.

“Mrs Green is going to meet you just back out in the front office and she will walk you up to class.  So, unless anyone has any questions, I’ll let you all get to it.”

You all shuffled back out the front office, where your teacher was waiting for you.  Aunty Lessi knelt down and gave you a big cuddle.

“Okay Bunny. You have fun on your first day back, alright?  And if anything goes wrong, or you don’t feel good or you feel sad… you just let your teacher know to call us okay.”

Aunty Leah leaned over and gave you a kiss on the forehead and stroked your cheek.  “You’ve got everything you need in your backpack, so you’re all set to go.  You’ve got this.”

“Okay.”

“We love you.”

The walk to your classroom was mostly filled with your teacher telling you about all the things you’d missed while you’d been away from school.  A little bubble of dread was beginning to build in your stomach as you realised all the work you now had to catch up on.  But by lunchtime that bubble had been replaced by a boulder.

Holding your lunch box and book tight to your chest, you looked around the hall for a spare seat.  Normally, you and Nora would sit together to eat your lunch and then go to the library, but to make a bad day even worse Nora was away from school today.  You had spent a solid 5 minutes looking for her, but according to a student in her class she’d had to stay home because she a nasty tummy bug.

The hall was quickly filling up as students grabbed their hot meals or lunch boxes and sat down at their chosen tables.  It quickly became apparent that the only spot left was one on the end of a table filled with some of the children who didn’t like you.  You’d spent so long looking for Nora, you’d been left with no other option.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

With a deep breath, you headed over to the table.  You sat quietly in the seat, hoping you would go unnoticed.

You didn’t.

“Why you sitting with us, Y/K?  Isn’t there anyone else you can sit with?” Jessica asked as you unzipped your lunch box.  You just shook your head in response.  A chorus of grumbles followed from the rest of the kids sitting at the table.

“Eww yuck, why does she have to sit with us?”  

“Where’s her weirdo friend?”

“Maybe she can sit on the floor instead.”

You just tried to tune them out, grabbing a sandwich out of your lunch box to munch on.  Your first bite was interrupted when the boy sitting beside you, Max, nudged you.

“Hey, were those your new Mums who brought you into school today?”

You hastily swallowed your sandwich, wanting to explain. “They’re my-” It was no use.  The group quickly began announcing their thoughts on the matter before you had a chance to correct them.

“Two Mums?  How can someone have TWO Mums?  That’s not right.”

“Yeah, my Dad says that it’s disgusting when two boys or two girls are married or kiss and stuff!”

“Oh yeah, like, have you ever saw two lads kiss? It’s weird!”

“I saw two ladies kissing when my Pop took me to the football last week.  He said they were going straight to hell!”

“As if she wasn’t weird enough, now she’s got two Mums too!”

Something inside you snapped, and you found yourself with your fists clenched and your cheeks red, Bailey long forgotten in your pocket.

“Yeah, well, they’re not my Mums, they’re my Aunties.  And they’re really nice and really clever and super cool.  And they play football for England, and and for the red and white club with the cannon!  And my Aunty Leah is the captain and everything! So that’s cooler than any of your families, ever!”

There was a short silence before they all started laughing.

“Girl’s football!  That doesn’t count!”

“That’s not real football!”

“Arsenal!  Pfffft.”

“I can’t wait to tell my Dad about this.”

“One of them looked pregnant when I saw them outside the office.  There’s no way they let her play like that!”

“That’s why they shouldn’t let girls play!”

“Wait, how is she having a baby if there’s no Daddy to put the baby in her?”

Whilst the rest of the comments had begun to muddle together and fade into the background as you tuned them all out, this last one pierced through.  Your head shot back in the direction of Jessica, the girl who had asked the question.  She was looking straight at you with her eyes squinted, twirling a strand of her hair around her pointer finger.

You hadn’t ever stopped to think about this.  To be honest you’d never really been interested in where babies came from.  You knew that whilst it varied from breed to breed, bunnies were pregnant for an average of 31 days and had litters of babies.  You also knew that humans usually only had one baby at a time and they were pregnant for around 9 months.  But you didn’t know how either bunnies or humans became pregnant.  Honestly, you were stumped.

“Guess you didn’t learn that in any of your stupid books, huh? Loser.”

[lizdive]

I don't know if you've watched demon slayer but could you do kanao!reader x aventurine and boothill, platonic separately?

Or a chlorinde!readerx aventurine and boothill, romantic( also separate) tho? I've had these ideas for a while but I don't know which one I like more so I'll leave it to you.

Hihi anon !! Don’t worry, I’ve watched demon slayer and finished the manga too :3 I really want to write both, but I need to do some research Clorinde’s personality first,, was never too invested in her character </3 once I do somehow figure her out, I’ll definitely try and write her !! For now, I hope this satisfies you and if not just tell me and i’ll redo it <33 tysm for requesting !!

notes 𐙚 gender-neautral reader — "you" used to refer to reader ,, reader is a teenager — being 16 was the reference ,, reader is based off of "kanao kocho" from the demon slayer series ,, platonic relationships ,, veritas ratio mentioned in aventurine’s part ,, dan heng and trailblazer mentioned in boothill’s part ,, this isn’t proofread ,, ignore typos

⭑ You were a new recruit, young in your teens and barely even reaching adulthood, and given to AVENTURINE as an apprentice and assistant. At first, he worried that it was his situation all over again, however whenever he tried to ask you anything, you just blankly stared at him.

⭑ You filled out duties diligently and followed everything he said by the letter. You never complained, you never expressed exhaustion, you were a doll. Following orders like his words were that of an Aeon’s and you were the devout follower.

⭑ It took some digging, but AVENTURINE had finally found what he wished to know. A young teen, sold into slavery by their own parents since childhood. He could only feel pity — you were, in some way, the same as him.

⭑ It only makes him want to talk with you more and get you to open up more. He notices quickly how you struggled to make decisions for yourself, so he decides to give you one of his golden coins to use. The heads or tails method, the same one Kanao used thanks to Kanae.

⭑ Sometimes he’ll try and corner you to make you give an answer out of your own will, but it’s rare as he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable or feel distressed.

⭑ You practice swordsmanship? AVENTURINE will let you train for as long as you want! He’ll get you the finest blades! You use a specific sword type? You now have a collection. You have a hobby / talent, and he wants you to excel !! He’s very supportive, a bit too much so, but he’s just happy that you have something you genuinely enjoy.

⭑ Sometimes you act like his protector which makes him a bit embarrassed because he has someone younger than him beating ass to keep him unharmed and he’s just standing there dumbfounded but at the same time proud,,

⭑ If you ever wish to open up to him about your past and the hardships you’ve faced, he’ll always be there to listen. He’s patient with you and will try and help you articulate your feelings. If you’re upset with your parents, he’ll encourage you to cry and let it all out — it’s not healthy to keep it in, after all.

⭑ If you ever express a desire to further your education (the IPC only taught you what was needed to be useful), he’ll leave that to Dr. Ratio. He trusts the scholar enough and explains the situation to him. Congrats! You have become an official student of Veritas Ratio!

⭑ Veritas is very pleased at the fact you’re very diligent and a quick learner. You quickly become one of his top students.

⭑ If you ask to learn about gambling and how to gamble, AVENTURINE will be a bit hesitant but he’ll teach you in the end. Again, with your diligence and quick learning, you’ll become a pro in no time. Maybe you can gamble with him sometime! Don’t worry, no serious bets!

⭑ It was during a bounty that BOOTHILL had found you, all alone in a shed, attire tattered and hair a mess. You looked to be on the brink of life and death. That only made him finish the bounty even quicker.

⭑ He didn’t ask too many questions when he noticed that you were silent, instead helping you up and escaping quickly so that there would be no casualties. You made no noise of pain or protest, and while that concerned him greatly seeing all your wounds, he was too focused on getting away.

⭑ He books a hotel that night. He’ll get someone to help you bathe since you seem incapable of doing so yourself, and while that’s happening he’ll get you a nice change of clothes. He finally has use for the bounty money he has.

⭑ It’s very awkward at first for BOOTHILL because no matter what he tries you just don’t react. Your wide eyes are dazed as they just stare at him — he feels like you’re going to carve a hole through him with that gaze of yours,,

⭑ He has no idea what to do with you,, you don’t respond to anything unless he orders you around, you lack basic survival skills as seen when you tried to make something in the hotel’s microwave only to fry the microwave, and you just,,,, couldn’t do much.

⭑ What you could do, though, was fight. And, you were a quick learner. BOOTHILL, not wanting to risk the chances of you getting hurt as he decides to bring you along for his missions, teaches you how to defend yourself. You’ll end up being very good with firearms. Would get you a revolver like his.

⭑ He would also duel with you to help you improve! A moving target is always good practice, and he’ll be fine anyways. When you get more and more skilled, he’ll do actual duels with you but will still he cautious so as to not hurt you. Your speed is very admirable!

⭑ Will try to make your own choices, which with his line of work, won’t be too hard as every step requires quick thinking and decision making. In a way, literally being with him shoved you out of your comfort zone and forced you to make your own decisions.

⭑ If you open up to him, trust that he will be comforting you like he’s your own father. Speaking of fathers and parents, he has zero respect for your parents and hopes they’re rotting away. As a man who was once a father, he could never imagine doing that.

⭑ Congrats, BOOTHILL is your unofficial official father now !!

⭑ If you ever want to pursue a better education, he might not be the best guy to ask,, but he’ll figure something out! Might ask the trailblazer for help, who then asks Dan Heng for help. Dan Heng will teach you the basics in reading and then he’ll leave the rest up to you. If you have any questions, he’ll answer, but it’ll take him some time as he’s a busy man.

⭑ Loves it when you go sadistic mode and verbally destroy the enemy, ESPECIALLY if the enemy works under the IPC. Will cheer you on. Also you’ll swear for him. It soon becomes reflex and it’s just very humoring to see a cyborg man absolutely wrecking someone and then there’s this innocent looking teen with a calm smile saying the most vile words in the cyborg’s place,,

[lurkingshan]

Things That Have My Attention In 4 Minutes Episode 6

Original timeline FINALLY let’s gooooooooo

Going back to the start to see Great’s utter lack of remorse for killing that woman, his spoiled brat reaction to his dad handling his mess, and his decision to help his terrible friend get away with a murder was a great reminder that he is in fact a terrible person.

Congrats to… a bunch of us? for piecing together the original timeline correctly based on what we had. In the original sequence of events, Tyme was deep in his revenge plan, got dumped by his girlfriend for neglect, and then intentionally seduced Great so he could record their sex and use it for leverage against Great’s dad. Which didn’t really work. He’s not good at plans, y’all!

By the way, Tyme? Clearly not a virgin. I never liked that read anyway so I’m glad it’s dead. His awkwardness during his first time with Great in the redo timeline is more about his feelings being engaged, it seems.

Great being unphased about the video and just wanting more of that good dick makes perfect sense for his character. He doesn’t care about anything or even have real curiosity about what Tyme was after with that stunt.

And as we finish up the timeline we learn the source of Great’s regret. It’s not any actual self-motivated remorse or understanding of his moral failings, of course. Instead it’s Tyme calling him a coward to his face and rejecting him. His attempt to suddenly claim a moral high ground with his parents after his own string of murders was hilarious and I don’t think he gets the irony.

But someone does! Tonkla coming in clutch as the cause of Great’s cardiac episode was EXCELLENT. And it makes perfect sense because in this timeline, Great is one of Dome’s murderers along with Title. I think safe to assume we’ve been seeing everything else Tonkla was up to in this time in the cold opens, though the exact timing and sequencing of them is up in the air.

The only piece that’s still not tracking for me is Tyme’s side of the romance. The events of this episode explain why Great’s choices in the redo seem to center on getting Tyme to trust him, but they don’t explain Tyme’s reactions to him. This is hardly a love story for the ages. He and Great were emphatically not in love in this original timeline, so I don’t see why Tyme would trust him if he was also reliving this timeline. And if Tyme is not reliving things, that rushed romance arc in the redo timeline doesn’t really work. He has no reason to trust or fall for Great that easily. We also still haven’t seen how Tyme gets shot, so I am inclined to believe there is an additional timeline at play that fills in the remaining gaps and better motivates Tyme’s end of the romance.

Noting here that in the original timeline, the lady Great hit, Dome, and Nan all die, but his mom does not. So by saving that woman, Great inadvertently caused his mother’s death. Something to ponder as we head into the final eps and figure out whether these changes stick.

I’m still hoping that this story is going to take us to a nuanced and complex place and not lead to a pure happy romance ending for Great because honestly he does not deserve it.

It’s nice to finally have a week where we actually got a bunch of questions answered and didn’t generate too many new ones!

[alexaloraetheris]

Question: Can I get in trouble for falsifying my experiment results?

So as part of the physiology class I have to do a biorhytm analysis. Basically it means that for 24 hours I need to do memory and reflex tests every two hours, then put the results in an excel sheet. Simple enough.

Except I am doing them on my tablet because I'm not hauling my ancient laptop to the lab if I don't have to, and my cats have noticed me tapping away on it very intently. The reflexes test just needs you to tap the screen as soon as you notice the red circle turned green. Easy enough one of my cats has figured it out. Interesting enough that she's trying to HELP, because compared to a cat my reflexes are, ofc, shit.

At first I needed to redo the test a bunch of times because she kept messing it up. But now that she knows what to do she taps the game. Faster than I can. I adjusted the test for more taps so the average skews more towards my results rather than hers, but my average reaction is like 300ms and hers is 60. It's making my results look a lot better than they should.

Is that cheating?

EDIT: This is test for an elective class, it's mostly about learning the process and not collecting actual research-relevant data. None of this is getting used anywhere where my superhuman reflexes might raise an eyebrow. I swear if it were, the cat's results would be filtered out, even if my smugness at having the best scores would suffer.

[mmoonlightbunny]

GENYA x MODERN!AU

_____________________

G E N Y A S H I N A Z U G A W A

TRAINING DIVISION / ‘You… You cannot speak for what I’ve been through.’

• Genya who, over the years, had learned to both bottle and channel his emotions to fuel his survival instinct, because simply wishing for change isn’t enough.

• Genya who would purposely soil the fresh bandages to redo them himself, an ever present need to proof he was self-sufficient to all around them.

• Genya who couldn’t find a mentor because of who he was and his precedent reputation, almost forced to figure it all out on his own from very young. Well, that wasn’t new in his eyes.

• Genya who liked walking alone at night across the Districts, relishing on the drastic difference of worlds for other boys his age. Overhearing their biggest problems, situations, goals and oversights… It was endearing and very much distracting.

• Genya who towered over most around him, and avoiding stealth assignments in fear he could be easily spotted, yet he never was.

• Genya who kept a secret for months to the person who was closest to him, letting the silence eat slowly at his insides while coming up with a way to tell him the truth.

• Genya who grudgingly trained for years, polishing his one skill to perfection, only to discover that it wasn’t as fulfilling anymore.

• Genya who wouldn’t sleep at night and intently listened to the soft purring of the cat placed in his lap.

• Genya who after talking about it with a stranger, came to terms on how to face his truth, and the impersonation of it.

• Genya who cried for hours and was unable to speak for days without muttering apologies and rivers of tears. He had bottled it for too long this time.

• Genya who, out of nowhere, had a new train ticket and a packed up bag. The bag with a folder containing all his accomplishments and certificates, even if some of them weren’t entirely legitimate.

• Genya who had faced worst and gut-churning assignments before, but stepping into the new district seemed atrociously worse.

• Genya who learned he liked the feeling of orange fizzy drinks just as much as his new peers did, and that school subjects could be boring and sports weren’t as interesting. But others were, and it was refreshing.

• Genya who had to stick to a tailored profile of what he wished for his average life to be instead of what he had truly grown up into.

• Genya who was the new exchange student and certain rules wouldn’t apply to him. This made him interesting to others, and everyone would gravitate towards him to soak up on the mystery.

• Genya who always blushed around one girl in particular, his ears turning bright red and forehead slick with sweat. The midnight phone calls will tease him endlessly about it.

• Genya who now stayed up late while flipping through pages and not overseeing a crosshair in a green lens, actively trying to stay awake for another 18 hours.

• Genya who seemed to be more confused by trivialities and customs than over types of ramen, sometimes being overwhelmed by the amount of choices he had.

• Genya who excelled at his finals with modesty, keeping his success to himself. Until he arrived to a surprise party, organised by who he once thought would be against his new path. He was his biggest supporter.

• Genya who was overly talkative after his first sips of alcohol and confessed his fear of frogs, his crush’s name and admitted that he had always been right to push him away from their past, words he would never repeat until much older.

• Genya who was gifted a handwritten letter and a small wolf made out of felt on Valentine’s day by his crush. Her pink eyes were filled with joy when she did this and he would see them at night before going to sleep.

• Genya who had an alarm set up at midnight, because he made a habit of checking in with him, even if it was a series of grunts on the phone.

• Genya who had realised he was happier now, and it was bittersweet he couldn’t convince him to do the same, to walk away and start over.

genzuko is real and you can’t change my mind about it.

i’ve been working on modern!sanemi and will be posting sometime soon to complete the hashira headcanons.

bunny

[yarrayora]

kuromahi baking halloween cookies based on this servamp kinkmeme

Note: this fic is part of the kinkmeme prompt, where everyone who see it is encouraged to write their own version of it even if there are already others who filled it read more about it here

---

A lot of people said that cooking was like art where you didn't have to follow the recipes accurately to get good results but baking was science where a single mistake could lead to a disaster. Mahiru thought it was a stupid comparison. His hamburg steak still turned out tasty even though he no longer looked at recipes because he already figured out how to make it tasty.

Meanwhile when he was baking breads there was always a chance of it not turning out well properly even though he had already followed the same recipe for years, and whenever he googled to figure out why it happened turned out it might be moisture in the air. Or the sun was too hot outside. At this point he wouldn't be surprised if astrology played a part in whether a dough would rise properly or not.

Today too was a bad day for baking.

"This is way too wet!" Mahiru complained. "The cookie dough isn't taking shape!" His fingers were sticky and gross from trying to knead the dough into submission. And failing, obviously. "Kuro, did you add something?"

Kuro knew his Eve didn't mean to sound so harsh but he involuntarily flinched anyway. "Just vanilla extract." He admitted.

"What? We don't need vanilla extract." Mahiru frowned.

Kuro fidgeted nervously. "Lawless said it would taste better if I add it."

"Oh, well." Mahiru put his hands on his hip in annoyance. "He's stupid. He should have told me if he wanted some vanilla cookies. The dough ends up too watery because you added unnecessary liquid... how much did you add anyway?"

Kuro fished for his phone and scrolled to find his DM with Lawless. "The instruction said half of the bottle's cap."

Mahiru got even more annoyed. "That's stupid. That's not how this works. You need to take into account of the dough's consistency."

"...are you mad at me?" Kuro asked warily.

"I... no." Mahiru sighed. "Sorry, I just got frustrated. Sorry." He sulked. "I'm going to wash my hands and work on this later."

Mahiru turned the faucet on, the room was quiet with only the sound of running water and Mahiru's hands squeaking together trying to get rid of the sticky dough.

"So..." Kuro awkwardly approached his Eve, his hands were massaging Mahiru's shoulders with hesitation. "You wanna fuck the frustration away?"

The offer just made Mahiru sigh. "Nnnooope. I'm not doing that to you."

"I could top for once—" Mahiru snorted loudly, accidentally cutting off Kuro's sentence. "I could! You could sit back and do nothing for once!" The vampire was slightly offended.

"Kuro, you suck at being a top." Mahiru pointed out.

"I'm an excellent dildo." Kuro huffed.

Mahiru smiled teasingly. "That just means I'll do all the work again."

Kuro's expression softened seeing Mahiru was smiling again. He leaned on his Eve and planted a gentle kiss on Mahiru's forehead. "Cuddle?" His long arms were now embracing Mahiru's body entirely.

"Mmhm, cuddle."

(Except whenever they cuddled, it never ended as just cuddling)

(This time was no exception)

---

"Soooo, how was it?" Lawless waggled his eyebrows.

"What?" Kuro's eyes never left the screen as he was still focused on his video game.

"Did my 'vanilla extract' help?" Lawless nudged his brother.

"Dude, stop that. I'll get mad if I have to repeat this level again," Kuro said, despite his tone remaining as monotonous as ever.

Lawless sighed dramatically. "Did you have sex last night?"

"Yeah?" Kuro replied absently. "Oh, is that what the vanilla extract is for? Dude, no need for that. Mahiru just ended up mad that he needed to redo the dough."

Lawless went quiet for a couple of seconds. "Dough."

"Yeah?"

"Did you use a fucking aphrodisiac for the halloween cookies?!" Lawless freaked out. "Nii-san! You stupid! You idiot! We need to get C3 to recall the cookies before people start fucking on the street!"

---

author's note: reminder that for tanakabox's halloween event, tooru basically commissioned his nephew to bake cookies to help stop halloween time loop, said cookies are distributed to people all over tokyo

[seqka711]

How competent is each Link based on your competency in the game?

So I saw a post from @telemna-hyelle, who credited this idea to @bllaaaaarrgh, who's original post I couldn't find. But this idea was too good to not do. "How competent is each Link based on your competency in the game?"

Hyrule: The Goddesses themselves had to interfere, not necessarily to get him through fights, but to get him enough rupees to afford potions, arrows, items, etc. Through divine time travel, he always picked the right rupee at the gambling game. He doesn't understand why no one else just does that to get rich quick. In his second adventure, he realized he could also time travel to redo fights and did so frequently. Very incompetent, but with divine intervention, anything is possible.

Legend: While competent in the land of Hyrule, in other countries Legend is a mess. Holodrum and Labrynna have more difficult enemies, more difficult dungeons and even Koholint, while not as bad as Holodrum and Labrynna, still required divine knowledge. Luckily Legend is a beast on home turf, who didn't struggle (that) much in either of his Hyrule quests. His greatest obstacle was Hytopia, which unfortunately required a power not even the great Legend wielded. Friendship. Rather than save the day alone, he vowed to someday return with friends.

Time: Time was very competent during both quests, doing everything that could be done, and even saved Termina very quickly thanks to a few all nighters. He'd be down to up the challenge at some point in the future.

Wind: This kid is cocky and he has every right to be. Not only did he complete his second and third adventures without a single brush with death, he also once had a crazy dream about his first adventure where all his items were scrambled and still beat Ganon handily. He got all 8 pieces of the Triforce before finding a single other item. Peak efficiency has been achieved. He wants the other Links to get on his level.

Four: His first adventure was mostly good, except for the few times he got completely and utterly lost with no idea where to go at all. He never did all the kin stone fusing quests and he really doesn't care (except he kinda really does care). His second adventure was just Green and Red, but that's okay, because they saved Zelda and who really needs Blue and Vio anyway? In his third adventure, Four really did split into four this time, but he was also fake and not real and a pirate because no way four separate people all own Link cables.

Twilight: Twilight is very incompetent at anything after beating Snowhead. The City in the Sky? Who is she? Ganondorf was eventually beaten, but don't ask him to describe anything between Yeta and Hyrule Castle, because as far as Twi is concerned, it may as well have been a fever dream. But wanna know what wasn't a fever dream? All those ridiculously high crossbow scores. He knows where his worth is at.

Sky: Sky has never done anything halfway in his life, and nothing in his life is incomplete or part finished. Never had a problem with his sword, but also never quite figured out how to use a shield. He also has pumpkin related sidequest trauma multiple times over.

Warriors: Warriors doesn't just love his job, he excels at it. He's gotten top marks and gold medals for every mission in all 10 worlds. And because he learned his lesson in his first quest, he also did it all without the Master Sword, because screw the Master Sword, it's too broken. He also owes his life and career to Young Link, Linkle and Marin, but he was no slouch himself.

Wild: Wild thought he was good and amazing and the Goddesses' gift to Hyrule, but then he had a terrible dream where all the chests and goals were scrambled and he got his ass handed to him and couldn't save Zelda or Hyrule in time for the dream to end, and his confidence has been forever shaken. Even in his past life 100 years ago, he ended up not completing everything. Wild is competent enough, but compared to the others, feels very incompetent.

[dragon-swords-prophecies]

Hi, I've been meaning to do this for several months, executive dysfunction got the better of me, and it's 1 in the morning (or, it was, but then I fell asleep while writing this, but 95% of it was written at 1 in the morning), but, hi, hello, your friendly neighborhood [insert adequate descriptor here, I'm too tired to come up with anything right now]!

I have not posted anything original on this blog for. uh. months. my best guess running at actual long form not fulfilling a tag game thing is november. of 2022 (I can't check I'm on mobile). which is much time ago! (the last tag game fulfilling writing posting was in like may) hi, I'm not dead and I haven't stopped writing forever, I just had one fucking hell of a year for mental health and school and moving up schools

but! it's summer now, I'm some twenty ish days into break, and I suddenly have spoons again. wow. I forgot what that feels like. I've done So Many Things recently it's insane, anyway--

I have been writing things! I'm doing an impromptu (as in started it on July 13th) camp nano challenge of typing up 3000 words of the massive amount of Enna's prequel I handwrote in a notebook at varying distressingly late hours of the night. I am actually decently close to done with that, I got a shitload done the other day, that's to say:

this lovely little blog of mine has been unintentionally mostly dormant for a while now, but it has been woken up and there will be things here again! tomorrow, even! (or today. timezones.)

lots of things have changed, in the stories, I have finally figured out a MASSIVE AND HELLISH plot hole in Enna's prequel story, and it's all figured out now, and I'm so fucking happy it's awesome can my brain feel like this all the time please the serotonin is excellent, but fixing that plot hole means that I need to redo so much lore and and backstories now it's ridiculous

to everyone who's sent me asks and tagged me in games and etc in the last few months/year. I'm sorry. I'll do most (hopefully almost all) of them. (Sleepy especially, I'm sorry, I'm not really sure if that means anything to you I probably sound like a broken record but I do mean it genuinely, I'm sorry, I will answer all of the ones you've sent me)

[rottenbrainstuff]

BG3 Playthrough: Caught up! Exploring at the goblin camp

(Mild spoilers)

I am now finally caught up from my backtracking to fix the mistake I made, and now I’m moving forward again, and the owlbear cub is at my camp. I have no regrets whatsoever about redoing hours and hours of gameplay - this guy is adorable, 100% worth it. During the redo, I actually caught some books that I somehow missed the first time (one looks like it was probably destroyed in a fight - check areas before you scrap! The others - I just somehow wasn’t exploring thoroughly) I got a little more backstory about what exactly happened to the Blighted Village / Moonhaven. I’m really blown away by the amount of little details in this game. If all the areas are as rich as the ones so far, it’s going to take me absolutely forever to actually finish this stupid game.

I would also be much farther in this game than I currently am if I wasn’t also wasting a ridiculous amount of time double checking things - it is so hard to find actual, accurate, concrete answers for questions that I have. As someone who is used to gamefaqs.com or hell even the big Stardew Valley wiki, it’s frustrating to me that it’s hard or even impossible to find some info. The fact that early access has been out there for three years makes it worse. The info I find is either people on forums making guesses, sparse articles and naked wikis which sometimes are saying things that are just outright not true, or it’s early access info which just isn’t applicable anymore. Frustrating. So instead I waste hours and hours just going around, checking things, seeing under what circumstances certain things will and won’t trigger, etc. “Well why don’t you just do like everyone else is doing and not care about any of that, and just fuck around and see what happens?” I don’t know, this is how *I* like to play the game. Maybe it makes me feel smart to figure all this stuff out.

My current favs to have in combat are Astarion and Karlach. Astarion is a mean little murder machine. I gave him the dark urge cloak I got after (redacted) happened, and it turns him invisible for two rounds if he kills something. I subclassed him into assassin, he has a million items to give him extra movement and attacks and jumps and things, and I gave him dual weilding and two rapiers, so basically every battle he runs around very fast stabbing holes into absolutely everything. And then Karlach, I gave her that berserker subclass, so I have immense fun watching her pick enemies up and fucking SLAM them down into the ground. So much fun. Wyll’s also not bad, eldritch blast is one hell of a cantrip. It’s stressful having so many companions. They’re all so awesome and I want to use them all but I can’t.

I’ve been using the map markers to map out vantage points that have beautiful views that I like to go back and look at, ie the view from the ruined temple that overlooks the nautiloid crash. This game is so pretty,

I’m now currently making my way through the big old goblin camp with the “murder is fun” squad of Lae’zel, Shadowheart, and Astarion; the other companions get too mad when I’m trying to dialogue my way out of things. For goodness sake Gale, I’m not going to ACTUALLY torture prisoners, I said it to make the goblins leave, why don’t you understand that?... in a similar vein… Lae’zel, Shadowheart, and Astarion…. The approval you are giving me is for my clever fooling of the guards, right? You don’t actually think I’m going to torture people, right? This is what you’re approving? Right? RIGHT GUYS?

I just love the little details that have been programmed into this. Stuff like the goblin kids being afraid of the animal familiars (but not the imp or quasit) Stuff like how I played music in the big party and two other goblins jumped in to play instruments. Stuff like all the incidental dialogue and the silly titles the goblins call me (mr drow, your excelness, your drowness, your majesticness, etc)

So much fun. So much to explore. Soon I’m going to have to figure out what to do with the goblin leaders. Gut and Ragzlor I think I can easily take out, but honestly I am thinking I’m going to get Minthara to come to the grove. I think the idea of fighting alongside the tieflings against a goblin siege sounds crazy fun, plus then I can use the hoard of explosive barrels I’ve been collecting and blow Minthara straight into the stratosphere. Probably it will be a little while before I get to that, plus apparently there’s a new little set of tasks to do in the grove to help prepare. So much fun. So much fun in this game.

[m1d-45]

Any advice for writing Genshin fanfics? Asking because I have a lil fanfic side blog and I want to start posting Genshin stuff, but nervous

imma be straight up…. i don’t know what i’m doing-

Seven Points to Success(™️) beneath the readmore

hi :) i have no idea how to tumblr :))

in all honesty, i started posting bc i wanted this as a sort of archive for all the shit i write. i have a habit of deleting docs i don’t like and eventually wishing i didn’t so i could read them, so i figured what better motivator to write and encouragement that no, this isn’t shit, then the internet?

i guess that’s my first point: don’t write for anybody but yourself. write what you want, and then post it in case somebody else likes it. otherwise, you’ll probably end up losing motivation and getting burnt out. write what you want, and don’t be embarrassed to do so.

two: as with any fanfic, get to know the characters! please! the last thing you want is for readers to be flung out of a story because somebody was out of character. the genshin wiki is a goldmine!! the voice lies can give you an idea as to how a character speaks, and their story will let you in on, well, their story.

uhhh three: grammar. this isn’t pointed at you specifically, just genuinely… please refresh yourself on grammar rules. fics could have an excellent premise, but it’s not gonna be read if everything is a run on, with multiple speakers per paragraph.

what not to do:

“isn’t the sunset pretty?” kazuha said his hand brushing yours. “it is”, you agreed leaning into his shoulder. “i knew you’d like it” he smiled.

^ don’t do that. don’t. paragraph changes every time someone new speaks, and commas go before the quote.

in addition, try reading out your dialogue (out loud or in your head doesn’t matter) to check it sounds real, and like it’s in that characters ‘voice.’ kinda goes hand in hand with point 2.

(minor point: while some grammar rules can be bent or a bit fudged—such as my entirely writing in lowercase and excessive use of commas—there are lines that cannot be crossed. that sounds serious but all it means is that some fundamentals need to be followed.)

point 3.5: use a readmore. please. do it. if you’re on mobile, click an empty line, type ‘:readmore:’, then hit enter. idk how to do it on desktop but please. do it. everybody will thank you. i will personally thank you. just type out a title, summary, maybe a paragraph of the fic to get readers hooked, then a readmore. makes everybody happy, and it’s easier to navigate your blog that way.

point four: practice! please please please practice. you will get better with time. trust me. i am sitting you down, handing you a warm drink, and asking you to promise to keep writing. just do it. it’s gonna be bad sometimes. it’s gonna make you cringe when you look back on it. whatever. keep. writing.

obviously don’t burn yourself out, but if you’ve got an idea, open up a doc and start writing. what starts as an idea put to page tends to spiral into fics for me, but even if it doesn’t for you, you have started. you have done the hardest part. you can keep going, i promise, you can always rewrite what you don’t like.

take it from me: i start every fic as a short blurb outlining the idea, and always have to redo the introduction for tumblr to neaten it into something presentable. it doesn’t matter if it isn’t perfect, it just has to work.

if you don’t like your sentence structures, vary the length of your sentences. short. long. semicolons, m dashes, paragraphs in parentheses, it doesn’t matter. if you don’t like your word choices, pop open a thesaurus and find a different word. do not do this for every single word ever, obviously, but if you’re using the same word over and over, it might be better to have some synonyms in mind. additionally, they can make the emotional points stronger—i.e. ‘cried’ vs ‘sobbed’—or emphasize the point you want to make more—like ‘hissed’ vs ‘seethed’.

the point above does not apply to ‘said’. ‘said’ is not dead. obviously use dialogue tags, but also use ‘said’. everybody who says ‘said is dead’ is a liar and a fraud. it is okay to use ‘said’. ‘said’ ‘say’ and ‘says’ are our beloveds.

(minor point: i use apostrophes as quotations as a stylistic choice, but you never use these in technical, grammatically correct writing. “he said ‘purposeful,’ so it wasn’t an accident.” <- that is not a grammatically correct line of dialogue, but it’s how i would stylize it. this is just to let you know that i am not grammatically correct—after all, i type entirely in lowercase because i think it looks better, so…)

point five: tag things! but don’t over tag them. tag whats relevant, tag whats important, and nothing else. i don’t know how to draw the line here bc it can get blurry, but try reading a fanfic and then looking to see what was tagged if this is confusing. tag whats relevant so people can find things, and leave out stuff unrelated so others can scroll through that tag in peace.

(minor point: tag warnings if your piece contains triggering topics. i’ve seen varying opinions as to how obvious these warnings should be, but at the very least some form of tag about it is courteous, in my opinion)

(minor point 2: if you write ‘x reader’s—you didn’t specify, but you asked me for advice, so—then please, please, pretty please, mark your readers gender. it’s ok if you solely write fem! reader, but please just say so. nobody wants to enter a fic only to get hit with the she/her without warning. i didn’t do this for a while because i solely write for a gn reader w/ you/yours pronouns, but i know better now. tag your readers. write what you want, just make sure others can find it too)

point 6: organize. do it. i know it can be annoying but pls. a masterlist saves lives. mine isn’t the best example but hey, it works.

in the same vein, have a navigation post pinned, with stuff like rules, whether requests are open, a link to the masterlist, and whatever else you deem important. again, mine isn’t the best example, but it works. this way, people can easily find your works, and return to where they were if you write a series/ a lot in general.

point seven: take everything i just said with a grain of salt, no matter how small. i am just one guy. i don’t know everything. i don’t even know what i do know. you think i know how i have almost a thousand followers? no. i just write about boys i find pretty and put them online for the internet to read. maybe you write best by solely writing for the community. maybe you work completely off any sort of schedule. i don’t know. i’m not you.

you are you. you know you best. take breaks, take care of yourself, and just go for it. i promise, the worst that can happen is that nothing happens. you’ll be okay. you can do it.

— midas.

(p.s.: sorry if this reads particularly incoherent i have an illness again :) sick three times within three months, call that f2p luck)

[kelmcdonald]

See You at VanCAF

This is copy pasted from my newletter. 

Hey all! My main thing is I'll be at VanCAF which is in Vancouver, British Columbia on May 20&21. They haven't posted con maps yet, so I don't know what my table number is. But I'll be there and it's free to get into. So stop by!

Like I said the big thing this month is going to VanCAF. The rest of the month is mostly keeping my nose to the grindstone. 

This month's full moon movie is The Wolfman again. This time the remake. While watching the original Wolf Man, myself and other folks in the discord talked about some of the stuff that was changed in the remake (stuff like the remake is twice as long.) So I figured doing a back to back would be kinda fun. So if you wanna join, we'll be watching it May 5th at 6pm PST. Join the discord if you want.

As always I'll be streaming art on Twitch. My schedule is currently the following:

Tuesday 8pm-10pm PST

Wednesday 8pm-10pm PST

Thursday 6pm-9pm PST (during the Iron Circus Geekshow)

I mentioned last month that I was redoing the live reading of Fame and Misfortune. My mic worked this time so I've saved it and posted it on my youtube. We go over through the whole story in about 30 mins. Then I answer some questions from fans.

I'll definitely doing something like this for The Better to Find You With. As I'll get to in the next section, I got a lot of stuff on my plate. It will probably be some time in the fall.

I spent a lot of April still playing catching up on things. I was really backed up on my work for Seven Seas. I think I got it handled now, but Blue Moon is still not done. I think that has to be my primary focus this month. I was hoping to get the current chapter of You are the Chosen One last month, but that didn't happen. It's penciled so for the next few Fridays I'll post the pencils of the rest of chapter.

By the time those go up, I'll hopefully be done with Blue Moon and can give You are the Chosen One more attention. I hate to do it, but I have to put something on hold. The City Between being free means it gets me more new readers/attention and You are the Chosen One takes longer. And after I write Blue Moon, I should probably make sure the next batch of You are the Chosen One script are ready for drawing. So here's my to do list/priority:

Write Blue Moon

Keep up with The City Between

Freelance thing that is NDA

Clean up Murky Water to make a book

Finish Chapter 3 of You are the Chosen One

Review next few chapters of You are the Chosen One

Anyway, that's quite a lot.  I barely had time to read or watch new stuff this month. So kinda a short list this month.

Darling by Olivia Stephens - Darling is a Western Horror about a black woman who's living as a werewolf to escape the racism of 1800s America. She meets a black man on the run and the two have an instant connection Olivia art is excellent and rendering makes every page look both beautiful and haunting. It's one of the best werewolf comics I've read. You should all go back it here.

Love is Hard for Otaku - This is one checked out because Mangasplaining did an episode on it. They had a kinda mixed opinion of it, but I was curious to look into it myself. It's about a gal who's a big nerd but is hiding it from her day job because her last boyfriend dumped her for being too nerdy. A nerdy guy friend proposes they date each other because since they are both nerds she won't have to worry about him dumping her for it. There is a manga and an anime. The manga is a little rough. The pacing seems to be kinda wonky. The anime does a better job landing the jokes, mostly because a lot of the jokes involved references to anime. So the joke works better when they can copy the scene from Evangelion shot for shot, rather than translation the animation into a comic. I don't 100% buy the characters as a couple so I'm on the fence about continuing to watch it. 

Nope - This was something that was on my I should get around to seeing this movie since it came out. It was streaming so I made a point to watch it. It's less than a year old so I won't go into details about the plot. But I really liked the point it makes about random chance and nature. I also really liked the relationship between the two main siblings. It was a good mix for conflict, frustration, and affection.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through the big workload that's going on. Please back my Patreon if you can. Every little bit helps!

[pbandjesse]

It is very very hot in our room all of a sudden. I am going to get the fan from the other room because I will not be able to sleep like this. My poor body is already super uncomfortable. I am just a bit exhausted. And being in the sun today made me very tired.

I slept alright last night. When I got home I talked James through my whole day. And then got into a project idea I had based on a photo I saw on Instagram. It's a charm necklace. Like a charm bracelet. And it was a little difficult to get all the charms to lay the same way but I absolutely love how it came out. James helped me by holding the necklace, and some of those tiny jump rings were a bitch. But the outcome was super worth it.

Waking up was really hard. But I would do it. And shook off my not great feelings. It would be a beautiful day.

James left me a bagel and I packed leftovers and an Easy Mac for lunch. And then I was off.

I got to camp in one piece after a pretty nice drive in. And I would have to run sodind to make sure things were ready for the day. Celia and Sarah came right after me and it was nice to see them. I filled them in on how the day will go and we went up to the pool house to make sure everything was good there.

And for that first hour of the day it felt like. Run run run. But very soon we could calm down. I got all the walkies from the art building. And said hello to everyone in the office. And then would sit in the sun and talk to Heather about some ideas for updating the whole program and some things I want to happen this summer. And she is really excited about my ideas about research. She is apparently also doing research on puhtok around and before the civil war so that's really neat!! I am excited to see where she goes with that.

The group was supposed to be there at 945. They did not come until almost 1040. So this was stressful. And figuring out how to redo the schedule on the fly was confusing. But I made the call that we would start at 11, cutting the first rotation. And to try to make sure everyone got to do everything we would combine two groups. That did not end up helping because we didn't shorten the programs like we had been planning and it was just like. Confusing. But it was fine. We figured it out. Everyone had a lot of fun.

It was a very warm day though. And this was apparently their very first feild trip! They would be excellent kids honestly. No issues. Some of the adults were a lot but overall they were awesome and I really enjoyed my time with them.

I changed up the program just a little. I was doing signs and symbols and decided that instead of pretending the paper I covered the whole table in the brown paper and had them use the whole thing. Then tear it after. Because that would eat up some of the time and that was perfect. And then I would have them tear the rest of the paper so that I could save it for future groups. It was like killing two birds (doing the project and prepping a future project) with one stone (getting the kids to do the work for me).

Lunch was a little rough mostly because half the groups were very late to the very short lunch. So I checked in with all the adults and would dismiss the groups that had been on time first and hold the others for an extra couple minutes. This worked really well honestly.

Because we combined two of the groups I would help with the natural pigments which was really fun for me. I hate that it's mixed with cordage because I'm so stinking bad at it. But Nick would handle that and I got to just have fun and show them how to paint. They were honestly super neat and clean with it and I was like telling their teachers because they were doing so good.

There was also the rental group today. And one of them had a toddler with they and somehow lost track of him and we had to pause and find him in the woods. So that was fun and not at all stressful. At least he was fine and was just sitting on the bench in the field.

We finished up the day and I said goodbye to everyone. In my closing I did a pop quiz and I think I'm going to do that rather then just asking them to tell me what they learned. Cause they thought that was really fun. They got real loud!! But it was all fun and then we were getting them on the bus and I was making sure everything was getting cleaned and reset. Sarah lead the charge wiping down the tables. Dachelle and her also got everything inside form the games program. It was great. Everyone was just on point.

We met at the porch to debrief. Complain a little. And make sure we had everything for tomorrow. Where we do this all again!!

I drove up to the arts building to plug the walkies in. And then headed out.

I drove to the fabric store. And I got the hoops and floss I needed. Rosia was quick to answer me confirming the gold floss I found. Fingers crossed it isn't a light made to work with. I'm going to do a practice one to show her so she can decide between gold or black. And after looking around for a while I went home.

There was a lot of traffic. And my eyes were very tired. But I would get home before 4. And that's all I wanted.

As soon as I was home I went upstairs and held Sweetp for a while. Then took almost an everything shower. I could have exfoliated and done a mask. But I washed my hair and shaved my legs and just made myself feel a lot better.

I would chill on the couch and just became a lump. I wanted to do stuff. But I just absolutely could not.

James would get home and make us snacks. Eventually they went for a walk. They also made us pasta. And it was a nice night.

I played a game on my phone for a long time. This has become a new thing I just really enjoy. I think these puzzle are good for my brain. But man am I tired.

James would use the new massage gun on my back. And we laid together and talked. I am just tired and in some amount of pain so it's just. Hard. I am hoping I can fall asleep quickly. Tomorrow is another very full day. So wish me luck. And fingers crossed that the 4th graders are as nice as the 3rd graders were!!

Sleep well everyone. Wash your hands!

[frsgumper]

A few "car/cycle" guys I like.

I always dreamed of having a job designing cars when I was a little kid. Over my 70 years, these are a few of the automotive world's guys I've liked. I know I'll miss some because there's so many. Chip Foose is number one. He does excellent artwork and craftsmanship on every job. He also is nice and kind and has a good heart. He's done a lot of good things for lots of people. Derek Bieri, of Vice Grip Garage. You can easily tell he's a great guy in just watching one episode. I could hang out with him for a long time. I absolutely admire his ability to remain calm in situations that I've been thru myself and couldn't. I like his renditions of what things smell like. I like watching a guy that talks to himself just like I do too. His nicknames for various things, his genuine all in all attitudes about things and being positive. That's inspirational to me. The way he shows how he cares about family. He reminds me a lot of my own older brother who died in 92. Martin brothers, of Iron Resurrection. They have good working relations on this show. Everybody seems to really enjoy doing their parts of each build. This shop has an abundance of great, talented people. I love to see how well this shop works together. Their finished projects are to die for. Such excellence, down to each and every bolt and screw. They don't just restore or repair, they rebuild and redo almost everything they touch. Love the way they figure problems out, one way or another. They "make" things work. There's just so many tho,............. Jeff Gordon Dale Ernhardt, both of them Henry Ford Lee Iacocca Carol Shelby Jesse James Indian Larry Jay Leno Mike Joy Steve McQueen Etc, etc.....................

[cosmonaughty]

The Lucky Ones. chapter 13.

Sorry this one took a while, this was another one that I had to almost completely redo.

I'll be visiting family for Thanksgiving next week, so no update til December; Happy Holidays and see you soon!

previous chapter

next chapter

Vincent’s senior year of high school had begun kicking his ass in September and continued to kick his ass well into the winter. He had been devoting his time to making sure his grades were as high as he could get them, putting in any extra credit work that his already limited sleep-schedule would allow in between writing out scholarship applications. Although he didn’t know what he wanted to pursue professionally, he knew that whatever he ended up doing, he wanted to excel at it. His mother hadn’t finished high school and, although her job paid the bills, he knew that both of their lives would be easier if he had a real career that could provide for them.

In moments when he felt like he was becoming overwhelmed by his schoolwork, he would take a look around their tiny house, at its concrete backyard, at the wrought iron bars over the windows, and would tell himself that it wouldn’t be much longer before they could leave it all behind. In his more grandiose fantasies, he thought about buying his mother a house in California; maybe he would move out there too, or maybe he would stay on the East Coast. Wherever he ended up, it would be better than Silent Hill. It had to be. 

But then there was Claudia. He couldn’t leave her behind, but he had his doubts about how happy she would be with his plans. She almost certainly wouldn’t like California, he thought, although it probably had more places she could comfortably be barefoot, as she often liked to be. Maybe he didn’t need to tell her about it just yet. Focus on graduating with honors, going to college, getting that six-figure income. Then think about telling Claudia. 

For her part, Claudia had noticed how busy Vincent was and she understood, even admired, his commitment to his education, but the first half of the school year had left her very lonely. She didn’t know what to do with herself; she had nobody at school who she wanted to talk to and there was nobody who wanted to talk to her, so she began writing in a diary. Most of the entries took the form of letters to Alessa. 

She would write about things that happened to her, and about things that troubled her. She told her friend about her thoughts and feelings, dreams and desires, knowing deep down that what she wrote was nothing more than empty words on an empty page. Sometimes she thought it would be just as well not to write at all, yet she continued anyway. Even if nobody read them, it felt better to move her churning thoughts from her mind and onto a page, where she could keep them secure, hidden between her mattress and the slats of her bed frame.  

It had been over a year since her last unusual encounter with the blond young man, whose name she had since forgotten. She hadn’t seen him at all since that day, but she always kept watch for him when she walked home, though she was unsure if it was because she was afraid of him or because she secretly hoped that he would show up. Perish the thought, she told herself. It won’t be me who misses him. Yet later, when she tried to explain these feelings in her diary, she realized something that she hadn’t cared to realize before.

I was so angry, but not with him. With myself. I knew not to let him touch me like that, and I knew that I should have told him to stop sooner. But I didn’t. I made the decision not to. In that way, I was weak. I can’t even remember if it hurt at all now. Certainly not more than the punishment I received that night when I got home late, yet it was the punishment that I accepted instead of

She paused. Instead of what? What exactly was it that she had rejected that day? Shaking her head, she skipped a line and continued. 

I’m ashamed to admit this to you, Alessa, but I feel know that you’ll forgive me. The truth is, I didn’t really want him to stop. I know how terrible that sounds. I didn’t understand what was happening, I didn’t know where it was going, and moreover, I didn’t care. I didn’t even care if he was going to hurt me (he promised he wouldn’t, but I knew that was a lie).

Just for that moment, I enjoyed being touched. It makes no sense to me. I think about it from time to time and I promise myself that I’ll never feel that way again. But that isn’t true either. Even now, I find myself longing for something I can’t quite express. I detest feeling this way. I know it’s wrong, but what is there to be done about it? I wish I’d never met him.

She shut the diary and glowered at the cover for a moment or two. Maybe she was angry with him after all. It seemed ridiculous to want a person one moment and then hate that same person in the next minute. Claudia wished she would make up her own mind; switching between emotions so rapidly was becoming quite tiresome.  She decided that she may have been spending too much time in her own head.

In the top drawer of Vincent’s desk at home, there was a worn out, dog-eared letter and a postcard from Mount Rushmore. He had received the response from Travis more than a year ago, but hadn’t known how to respond right away, so he had set it aside. During the short breaks he took while studying, he would occasionally take it out of the drawer and re-read it. The postcard contained a list of disjointed thoughts, all written out in Travis’s scribbly handwriting.

Vince, I really am sorry I’ve been getting your hopes up. I don't mean to upset you. Don’t put yourself down bud Charlene loves you very much. Ah I see so you were trying to get a rise out of this punk. How did Claudia respond to the fight? Or did you tell me that already? I’ve been on the road for a while already and forgot to take your letter in with me to breakfast. The letter continued on the crumpled piece of paper. 

(Dammit I couldn’t get it all on the postcard oh well you’ll be getting a little something more but READ THE POSTCARD FIRST)

More sex questions? Yeah I figured the schools weren’t teaching you much. My first girlfriend said it didn’t hurt after we did it a few times. She used to say ladies were like 18-wheelers. You turn them on, warm them up, and when they’re ready they go on forever.

Some older guy? How much older? Do you feel intimidated at all?

Dr. K? Yeah I knew em. Scumbag. Dahlia too? Good riddance. But that could mean

The next part was so heavily scratched out that Vincent had been unable to read it no matter how hard he strained his already weak eyes. After that, the letter continued.

Vincent the thing about love is that you have to learn that sometimes it may not be returned. And that hurts like hell. If Claudia doesn’t come around she may not be the one but if she does (and I have a feeling she will) she might just surprise you.

If you haven’t guessed I’m writing this at Mount Rushmore! Have you learned about this place in school? I’m sure you have.

And it doesn’t involve a chainsaw.

It involves gasoline and a couple of matches.

-Travis

Vincent had begun to reply many times since he had received the letter, but he would always end up tearing up the fresh draft, or scratching out every word until the page looked like nothing but a series of scribbles. He would stare at the faded letter and shake his head sadly, realizing that he just didn’t know what to say anymore.

“I’ll think of something later…” he always told himself half-heartedly as he slipped the letter back into the drawer where it lived. “Next time for sure.”

Although he found himself unable to write back to Travis, Vincent received another note which he was more than willing to respond to.

He had seen very little of Claudia since the start of the school year, and when he did see her, it was usually in church and she was usually with her father, in which case Vincent didn’t dare to approach her, or even make eye contact. However, one day in late February she managed to break away from Leonard’s side as they were leaving, just long enough to find Vincent and press a note into his hand. She pointedly held his gaze for an instant before she turned and darted away. He watched her retreat back to her father’s side, holding onto the note until he was certain that they had gone. Then, he unfolded the scrap of paper, uncertain of whether or not he really wanted to know what it said. Claudia’s mind was so unpredictable, he could never really be sure of what she wanted. However, when he read her note he let out a small relieved laugh.

Vincent,

Meet me at our bench by the lake at ten o’clock tonight. Don’t be late this time, ok?

By nine-thirty that night, Claudia was beginning to question her decision to rendezvous with Vincent again. Surely, it was foolish to risk getting caught sneaking out, especially when she had sworn up and down that she would never risk it again. Besides, what if he wasn’t there? He had never said that he would be. She hadn’t given him a chance to reply. He’s always been there before, hasn’t he? She asked herself. Stop worrying so much, you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Besides, suppose he does show up and you’re not there. Do you really want to let him down? She shook her head in response to her own merciless questioning and took off her faded nightgown in favor of one of her pleated cotton dresses. She pulled on her oversized black sweater, grabbed her cracked leather boots off the floor, and surreptitiously climbed out of her bedroom window.

When she arrived at the old bench by the lake, Claudia was surprised to find Vincent waiting there for her. He was standing in front of the crumbling bench with his hands in his coat pockets, gazing out toward the black surface of the lake. Claudia, realizing that he hadn’t seen her yet, decided to take advantage of the opportunity for a small dose of payback. She circled around behind him, stepping on the damp leaves and twigs as quietly as her thick soled boots would allow, and leaned forward, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Looking for someone?” She asked. Vincent gave a small jolt and turned to face her.

“Jesus!”

“No,” She said patiently. “It’s Claudia.”

“Ha-ha.” He sneered. “I suppose you think you’re very clever, don’t you?”

“I think I’m reasonably clever.” She circled around the bench and stood next to him. “You don’t seem to like the taste of your own medicine.”

“You really know how to hold a grudge.” He chuckled. “That’s not the only reason you called me out here, is it?”

“Aren’t you glad to see me?” She asked, folding her hands demurely in front of her.

“Of course I am.” It seemed like ages since they had last seen each other; although he knew it hadn’t been that long, Vincent thought that she even looked different. Maybe it was the starlight reflecting off the lake, but even standing huddled in her dowdy sweater and oversized boots, she seemed to possess a grace that he hadn’t noticed before. To his surprise, she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

“I miss you.” Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. For a moment, he was unsure how to respond; the sudden shift in her demeanor was troubling, though not anything new for him.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He promised, lightly resting his hand on her back.

“That’s what everyone says…”

He didn’t say anything in response but returned her embrace; with his arms around her shoulders, he could feel her shivering violently. 

“You know, I drove here.” He told her. “I parked right over there; we can go sit in the car with the heater on to warm up.”

“Really?” She smiled carefully, trying to conceal the faint chattering of her teeth. “Why didn’t you say so?”

“This is me saying so.” He took her gently by the arm. “Come on.”

The warm air coursing steadily through the vents of the old Vega had a calming effect on Claudia. She relaxed her body, leaning her head against the passenger’s side window and watching her breath fog the glass. For a while, the only sound was the radio, playing some indistinguishable soft-rock at a low volume, accompanied by the whir of the car’s air vents. Claudia glanced up and said quietly,

“Vincent?”

“Hm?” He was leaning back in the driver’s seat with one arm slung casually over the steering wheel, but he turned his face toward her when she spoke. She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts before proceeding carefully.

“What am I to you?”

A look of genuine surprise flashed across his face before being replaced with a somewhat uneasy smile. 

“Come on, that’s not funny…” 

“I’m not trying to be funny, I really want to know.” 

Her eyes remained steadily on him even as he tried to avoid her gaze, turning his attention to the wheel in front of him and rubbing it absentmindedly.

“Ah, Claudia….” He exhaled a gentle laugh. “You’re my friend. You should know that by now.” 

“I suppose I do.” She admitted, smiling absently. “But it’s nice to hear.” After a moment of quiet contemplation, during which she rubbed her still numb hands together in an attempt to warm them, she added quietly, “You said you’re not going to go anywhere…”

“Yeah,” He nodded, his eyes remained fixed on the smooth steering wheel in front of him. “I said that.”

“But you want to go to college, right? So doesn’t that mean you’re leaving?”

He winced, embarrassed to have been caught in such a blatant contradiction. It hadn’t been a lie, he reasoned. Both things could be true, somehow.

“Yeah…” He answered slowly. “That’s what I’m hoping for. But it’s not like I’ll be gone forever; I’ll come back here when I’m not at college. I’ll still get to see you. Or even,” He looked at her, trying to measure her reaction. “You could go to college too, after you graduate. It’ll be lots better than high school, I promise.”

As he had predicted, she adamantly shook her head and wrapped herself more tightly in the baggy sleeves of her sweater.

“I don’t want to. I want to devote my life to the church, you know that.” 

It was what he had anticipated, but it was still somehow disappointing to hear. 

“Yeah,” He turned back toward the steering wheel and stared out through the condensation that had formed a veil over the windshield. “I figured. Honestly, I’m kind of surprised you’ve stuck it out as long as you have with school. If you don’t think it’s that important, why haven’t you dropped out?” 

“I don’t know.” She sighed, shrinking further into her sweater, perhaps in shame. “I know Father thinks it’s a waste of time, but I guess I just want to prove that I can do it. I know that’s pride, I shouldn’t give into it.”

“No.” He told her firmly, sitting up and facing her again. “You should be proud; I think you’ve earned that much.” After a moment of consideration, he added. “I’m proud of you.” Although she didn’t say anything, Claudia ducked her head to hide the suggestion of a shy smile. “Besides,” He continued. “You and I have to be at least a little educated, right? We’re the ones who are going to carry the church into the future.” He knew she would be pleased to hear this, but he wasn’t prepared for the warm flush of relief that came with the smile she gave him. 

“Yes, that’s true.” She nodded, adding hopefully. “And…into Paradise too?”

“Yeah,” He nodded with an easygoing grin. “You got it.”

“Hm…” She looked him over, still smiling faintly but with a hint of suspicion hovering in her quirked brow. 

“What?” He shrugged at her. “Now what’d I do?” 

“You.” She leaned over the parking brake and poked at his chest with an accusing finger. “You are so full of it. I think you’ll say anything to make me feel better.”

“I’m not-” He began to argue but was stopped abruptly by her mouth on his. The kiss she gave him was about as stiff and unpracticed as he would have expected it to be, and in truth he would have been disappointed if it was any better. 

“It’s sweet.” She continued, as though the gesture had been one she hadn’t put any thought into at all. “But don’t lie, okay?”

“I’m not lying,” He finally stammered. “Okay, sure, maybe I’m not as- as keyed-up for Judgement Day as you are, but what can I say, it’s just nice to see you get excited for something.” 

“I get excited for other things.” She huffed. 

“Name one other thing.”

Claudia looked down at her chapped hands, appearing to search for an answer in the scars on her fingers.

“It’ll be Spring soon,” She offered lamely. “I like Spring.”

“You like mud?” He gave her a skeptical look over the frames of his glasses.

“I do like mud. And I like when the sun comes out and the leaves are all tender and see-through.”

“So, you’re excited for…seasons? Do I understand that?” 

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” She playfully smacked his arm with the back of her hand. Her voice took on a quiet hopefulness as she added, “I was excited to see you tonight.” 

The smile he gave her was much less smug than she would have anticipated from him, as though he hadn’t expected her sincerity, but was grateful for it.

“Yeah…?”

“It wasn’t easy, but I’m glad I did it.”

“So am I.” 

For a moment, she was quiet, still leaning slightly toward the driver’s seat and watching him expectantly.

“Vincent?” “Uh huh?”

“Are you going to kiss me back, or must I do everything?”

[thunda-bird]

Some years back when I was in nursing school, there was an issue where I failed a clinical placement as a direct result of being given an absolutely incompetent mentor. She hadn't even been a nurse at the clinical location for long enough to qualify as a mentor to student nurses; something I found out about when it was too late to change anything. This woman lied to my face. I'd ask questions, I'd always be assured by my mentor that my performance was great, but she was giving opposite feedback to the college / facility liaison supervisor. I read her feedback and there were incidents described that were utter fiction. The woman who was my mentor was just generally, an awful awful person. I got swapped between 5 different mentors in the course of a month. This was at the height of the pandemic, I'm a 2021 nursing graduate. So my lab time had already been nuked and there were practical skills I never got to practice in lab, and everyone's clinical time was already running on a "condensed" scheduled as a result. So all this time having to be spent proving my skills over and over to new mentors before they could confidently let me care for patients on my own, meant my actual useful independent on-unit time was decimated. My entire experience was botched from day one and my mental health was never worse in my life than it was during clinical placement. I just kept it getting worse and worse feedback and I felt like I was on a treadmill, i was trying as I possibly could and nothing was fixing this shitty feedback I was getting. I learned far too late that these mentors weren't giving me honest feedback to my face and they didn't give a fuck about me. I was having anxiety attacks daily by the time they told me I failed. On one of my last days on the unit, we had a patient who was prescribed Ativan and I was asking questions to my mentor about different medications. I personally have an Ativan prescription because I have severe anxiety. I was asking my mentor "Is it possible to overdose on Ativan? Could Ativan be fatal if given in excess?" and I phrased it all like genuine questions, I pretended I'd never encountered Ativan before. In reality I was trying to get my mentor to help me figure out how much Ativan I'd have to save up to kill myself.

The day before being told I failed, I already knew. I called my parents and told them "This whole thing is making me feel like I don't want to be here anymore. Do you understand what I'm talking about when I say: Don't want to be here anymore?"

They said "This is not a conversation we should be having over the phone. Pack a bag for overnight, we're coming to get you, you're staying with us tonight."

The next day, I was told I failed my placement and I'd have to redo it. Couple days after that, I got a letter in the mail from my college telling me I made Dean's List for my excellent grades that same semester and I broke down sobbing.

I needed time to save up money to pay the fee to redo clinical, and have money in the bank so I could get through 6 weeks of full-time clinical and part-time employment. Seven months later when I redid my placement, I had one mentor the entire time. She was kind, she was honest, she was incredibly knowledgeable. I told her about my previous experience once I knew she was genuine. She told me that facility where I'd done my first placement has an awful reputation for bullying among staff. My mentor told me she'd been offered a job there multiple times and instantly turned it down each time because it is infamous for its toxic, catty work environment. On the last day of my second placement, I was told I passed with flying colors and all was well. At the end of the day I walked out of the facility and I sat in my car and I broke down sobbing in the parking lot because I knew for certain that I would've graduated the first go round if they'd given me a better mentor.

I went through all the notes I'd taken throughout the entire shitshow of my first placement, I pulled out fine-print quotes from student placement handbooks and facility mentor guidelines and I wrote out in full, item-by-item, how badly they fucked up. I had full receipts: dates, times, names, everything. I requested and received a letter from my psychotherapist giving professional testimony that I was her patient, and I had suicidal ideation and extreme distress in a timeline consistent with my placement experience i.e. this is a mental health professional attesting that I was in legitimate, severe distress during sessions on these dates. I wrote out this document and stressed over it for weeks. I had my parents look over each iteration of the document; my Dad works in a HR position in the government so he knows professionalism.

What I wanted was a change to my transcript to indicate a "Withdrawal" instead of "Failure" on my first placement, and a refund of the fees I had to pay to redo it, because I attested with all this proof that these people fucked up BAD.

I submitted the document, I got an answer within minutes from the nursing coordinator at the college, saying that there's nothing they can do because I needed to submit this document within 5 days of being told I failed, to be eligible for an academic appeal hearing. I explained, hey, I didn't do that because I was ready to fucking kill myself because of how bad my first placement experience was. I applied for an extenuating circumstance in appeal submission for health reasons. It was several months of agonizing back-and-forth with all these different admin beaucratic blahblahblah at the college. They wouldn't budge. I looked into a paralegal, it was more money than I could afford to spend on pursuing the issue.

I had a lot of friends in nursing school but because failing my first placement made it so I wouldn't graduate with the rest of my class, I let those relationships fade away. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened. I didn't want anyone to know I failed. I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I contacted the college and requested they omit my name from any lists of graduates they were publishing from the semester I graduated. When my diploma came in the mail I put it in a drawer without opening the envelope. It's still there, unopened, right now.

A few months after passing my second placement, I got a job offer from the facility where I'd done that placement. I accepted it. I'm still there today. I won an award last month for outstanding feedback from patients & families, outstanding patient care.

I looked over that document the other day and I thought going into it, 'I'm now a few years removed from that bad experience. Maybe I'll look at this and see that maybe I was unreasonable or unprofessional?'

No. I imagine being a third party reading this document and the fact is, that place where I did my first placement FUCKED UP. They didn't set me up to succeed at all. The experience I had there was so fucked up, I still have a lot of issues from it that I think will continue to take a long time to heal from. It's hard to accept that there's nothing I can do about it, nothing will ever be done at this point that can set it right. It's hard to accept that sometimes people get away with being awful.

[sesmantelar]

the scale is finally moving past my current set point weight. I am hoping to find myself in the 130s by next week. once again I find myself at the point of no return or mediocrity. I can either hunker down, solidify the final yet most crucial stages of my blowup, or I could continue to choose to just float through life at 50% mode. I'm at work and essentially working every single night this week, but I've found myself in this new state in which I can work back to back. as long as I can see my finances changing, and this surgery solidifying in the next seven weeks. I am okay. as long as I have more than enough sleep I will be able to survive. throw back in schoolwork, studying for the GRE, and continuing to journal/read/to do list tasks at work, and I will have a beautiful balance. passing a class every 1.5 weeks. excellent GRE score. hair growing and maintaining. skin glowing. able to do my monthly maintenance without it killing me financially - mani pedi, waxes, any other professional treatment I end up opting for. after my surgery, I won't be working anywhere near as much, and therefore will have more time. more time for tennis. more time for off ice training, and actual in person clinics. time to prep for my first competitive figure skating season. dates twice a week with new people. smashing harp solos every week and drastically expanding my concert solo repertoire. and it will be nice knowing that when I do return, my finances won't be behind, and my overtime is truly for savings or doing things I want for myself - not just to survive. I will be able to afford a good therapist who specializes in immigrant children or has experience with CPTSD. I am so ready to start living my life and being in the real world again. and I' m willing to dedicate more time to making and keeping friends (but only after this surgery is out of the way. in the same way my name stuff had to happen before I could move across the country) I'm also thinking of going back to goddess lots. these braids are lovely but they have been unraveling like crazy. it could also be because of the trip and not fully undoing to redo my hair. however, I say goddess locs because I liked how my hair and ends were truly covered/kept tucked away and how my hair grows like wildflowers with them. I think it may be the style ive been seeking that has everything. beauty, lightweight, long-lasting, full proper protection for my hair, keeps my hair moisturized, very easy to take down, no pain. I don't yet know when I will be doing this because I have a very booked work schedule the next few weeks. however, it may even end up being right before or even after surgery. it depends. I may do this style one more time before my surgery. we shall see. either way, I feel happier the more I face myself - financially, by reading these self help books, by stepping on the scale daily, by not hiding behind my mask. I must continue to do so until I cannot only face myself, but be able to face the outside world with self respect and confidence. im about to get up and start my morning med pass. praying to leave early, get home asap, be able to skate for two hours and get some solid sleep in before work tonight. I really need to do some pilates and off ice because im looking and feeling sloppy and unfit this week. im going to have to start requiring even just ten minutes per day along with the lower body workout I do - just to ensure a basic maintenance throughout my crazy work schedule and until things just make sense again,