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coloursflyaway · 4 months

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Won’t Fear Love (6/6)

Pairing: Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland

Rating: T

Word Count: 1.900

Read on AO3

„We should go a date“, Charles says on a perfectly bland Tuesday, looking up at Edwin from whatever he is doing at the moment.

If Edwin wasn’t dead already, he would suspect that Charles is trying to kill him.

or:

Five times Charles takes Edwin on a date to figure out if he could fall in love with him, and one time when he has an answer.

tagging all the lovely people who wanted to give this fic a read: @itsablueberrycow @piristephes @assignedpeanutallergyatbirth @mylu @oneweirdbean @lifeinvirtualreality

It’s the second Wednesday of the month again, for the eighth time since they have started this experiment, if Edwin’s tally is correct. Which, of course, it is.

The last two weeks have been filled with a new case, one that is turning out to be much harder than expected, and so Charles and he are sprawled on the sofa, books in their hands, while Crystal is out to find someone whose mind might provide them with some kind of insight. So far, Charles has not declared any plans for the night, but then again, he seems to enjoy surprising Edwin, seems to enjoy keeping him in the dark for as long as possible.

Just the month before, he had taken Edwin to a botanical garden so they could enjoy the mild weather, the flowers and the gentle quiet there; they had been holding hands, Charles had woven a crown from daisies and dandelions for him and later kissed Edwin beneath a vine-covered arch, another time just before they had left the gardens to walk back to the agency.

Now, he is laying on the sofa with his head in Edwin’s lap, which makes Edwin’s own reading slightly more difficult as there is nowhere to rest his book but on Charles’ forehead (which he had tried, but Charles did not appreciate) but is also more than worth it. It’s nice to be this close, to weave his fingers into the curls of Charles’ hair and make him hum happily, to look down from time to time and watch Charles’ eyelashes flutter, his forehead furrow in concentration.

It’s domestic in a way that is painfully familiar and delightfully new at the same time.

“Hey, Edwin”, Charles says eventually, and when Edwin looks down, Charles is already watching him, the book set aside and resting on his chest. “I know it’s Wednesday and I do have a little something planned, but would you mind if we just spent this one at home?”

His eyes are wide and soft and dark, and Edwin knows he could say no, and ask to go anyway and Charles would take him to… well, wherever he was planning on going. Not that Edwin ever would, not when Charles is not feeling like going on a date. Especially, since the reason for these dates is for Charles to find out if he wants this.

Edwin is about to smile, tell him that of course, they can stay in, but then there’s a flash, a thought so bright and sudden wrecking through his brain that it stops Edwin dead in his tracks. Because that was the deal they had, wasn’t it? That they would go on dates and Charles would figure out if Edwin could be someone he’d want as more as a friend.

And if Charles doesn’t want to take him on a date tonight, then…

Suddenly, Edwin feels his metaphorical heart speed up; if he still had a breath, it would be shaky, coming in gasps, because his whole existence zeroes in on this, on Charles looking up at him, on Charles asking to stay at the agency tonight.

He puts down his book, sits up straighter, and the change in posture must have been noticeable because Charles quirks an eyebrow, even if he doesn’t move; Edwin isn’t sure if he is grateful for it or wishes it was different.

“Charles”, he starts, unsure how to phrase it when part of him wants to abandon rhyme and reason and beg Charles not to break his heart. “Please correct me if I am misunderstanding the situation, but are you trying to say that you are ready to make a decision regarding… us?”

He puts it as delicately as he possibly can, tries to keep any kind of hope, of desperation, of bone-chilling, all-encompassing fear from seeping into his voice, but he isn’t sure how, or even if he succeeds. Especially since Charles doesn’t react at all at first, then scrunches up his nose, forehead furrowing. “What?”

Since there is no universe in which Charles would ever treat him unkindly on purpose, or make this harder than necessary, the confusion must be genuine, which makes it easier, makes it harder still. And, a treacherous part of Edwin’s mind whispers, what does it say about their situation that Charles seems to have forgotten about it entirely?

“Us, Charles”, Edwin repeats after a moment and even to himself, his voice sounds off, too composed to be anything but a facade. And it is, because Edwin isn’t even certain how he is formulating words, sentences, when every spectral molecule of his body seems to be frozen in hope, in terror. “When we started this… experiment of a sort, it was very clear that we would go on dates so you would be able to make a decision about our romantic future, or lack thereof. So, since you are proposing that we do not go on a date tonight, I was wondering if you were indicating that you were ready to make said decision.”

It sounds stilted, it sounds forced, but Edwin cannot make himself stop talking until he is finished, because if there is a chance that this is what Charles has planned, then he has to get it over with as quickly as possible, no matter the consequences.

His hands are shaking and Charles must see it, so Edwin folds them and presses them against his chest, while he watches Charles sit up slowly, eyebrows still drawn together like he is trying to find the last piece for a puzzle he wasn’t expecting to solve.

He’s beautiful in a way that makes Edwin wish he had a heart that could beat for him, a breath that Charles could take away; he’s anything Edwin could ever want and although ever since they started this, Edwin has been doing his best to keep his hopes in check, he suddenly realises with startling clarity that he has colossally failed in that regard. There is still nothing that could ever keep him out of Charles’ life, but it would take decades to piece his heart back together, should Charles decide he would prefer them to be friends.

Because he had a taste of it now, of holding Charles’s hand when they are walking through the city, of cuddling close to him at night and kissing him in the morning, when the early sunlight is making his skin glow golden. And even if for Charles this was a trial run that was found lacking, it had never felt like that for Edwin.

“Just so I can get this straight”, Charles starts very slowly, like he isn’t certain what to say, or how to say it, “Are you under the impression that I haven’t made that decision yet?”

He sounds like he cannot believe he is saying it, and Edwin cannot do anything but nod helplessly, the weight of the rest of his existence making it impossible to speak.

It takes a moment, but then Charles laughs, incredulous and yet sweet, and even if it doesn’t clear up anything, it washes away at least some of the tension. Because Charles wouldn’t laugh at him, not before breaking his heart.

“Edwin, we’ve been cuddling until a few moments ago”, Charles tells him and his voice is so gentle, so fond that Edwin wants to sway closer, wants to spend the rest of time surrounded by its timbre. “We’ve been holding hands for months now. I kissed you this morning when we were watching the sunrise. Twice.”

He smiles at the last part, like it is a memory worth reliving and that is enough to stun Edwin into talking, to kickstart the heart he doesn’t have into beating once more. “I thought you were trying it out. To see if you liked it”, he explains, and slowly, ever so slowly, hope is spreading through his body, pumped through astral veins from his chest to the tips of his fingers, the soles of his feet.

“For the first twenty minutes of it, maybe. Not for several months”, Charles replies and he is smiling, the curve of his lips seeping into every word. “Crystal even introduced you as my boyfriend last week.”

“I thought she was teasing me!”, Edwin shoots back, but there is no heat to his words, there couldn’t be, when Charles is looking at him like he doesn’t want to look away again.

The words startle a laugh out of Charles, who then reaches out to pull Edwin’s hands from where they have been resting against his chest, holds them tightly between his own. And suddenly Edwin’s skin feels like its thawing, like Charles’ touch is breathing air back into his lungs, is making bringing his heart back to life.

“Edwin, listen to me”, he says and there is nothing Edwin would rather do. “I made my decision months ago. I thought you knew.”

Months ago, he says, and Edwin thinks about snuggling up to Charles when they were both doing research in long, dark nights, about tangling their fingers together between their bodies while following Crystal down one of London’s long, winding streets, about Charles kissing him last night, crowding him against the door and only stopping when Edwin’s head was spinning.

It feels impossible, it feels real at the same time, and Charles is watching him with such tenderness that Edwin cannot even ask if he means it. Because Charles would never lie to him, not about something like this.

“Can you just say it?”, he asks instead, sounding breathless and overwhelmed and happy even to his own ears. “So I can believe it. Just once.”

Charles’ fingers tighten around his, and maybe that is an answer in itself, but then Charles says, “I’ll say it as often as you want to hear it.”

And he leans in, close enough that Edwin almost closes the distance and kisses him instead, stops himself just because he knows he needs to hear it, that he will have time to kiss Charles later.

“You, Edwin Payne”, Charles starts, and raises their joined hands to press his lips to Edwin’s knuckles, “are the love of my life in every possible way. And there is nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my existence at your side.”

He smiles and his eyes are so full of love, of affection, that Edwin feels like he is drowning in it, unable, unwilling to resurface. There are tears stinging in his eyes, but Edwin blinks them away, because he needs to see, needs to commit Charles’ face to memory like it is right now, his curls mussed from Edwin’s fingers, his eyes glittering in the dim light of the office.

“I love you, too”, he whispers into the sliver of space between them, hopes to fill it with everything else he wants to, will, say. “More than anything.”

Charles’ eyes light up as he leans in, makes them shine so brightly they’re almost blinding, and just before their lips brush, he whispers, “I know.” And kisses Edwin soft and sure and overwhelming, one hand letting go of Edwin’s so it can reach up and cradle his jaw instead, holding him steady, holding him close.

Edwin kisses back, and there is a moment where he thinks, please.

Only to realise, as Charles kisses his love onto his lips, that there is nothing more he could ask for.

#dead boy detectives #dead boy detective agency #dbd #edwin payne #edwin paine #charles rowland #painland #payneland #paynland #chedwin #charles x edwin #edwin x charles #i'll really miss writing this fic #so much #my boys ♥♥♥

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