#/ also they do drive nails into themselves so this isnt really that extreme for them - sorry Ethan

[lasplaga]

❛  you are sick in the head.  ❜ ( plops ethan down. a volunteer 😇 )

𓆙      —    𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 --- Accepting! 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐓𝐖: 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄 / 𝐒𝐄𝐗𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐔𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐒 & 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 [ 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓 ]

--- 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄𝐃.

The Voice of Pestilence was not only sick with his prey, but ghoulish. Ethan, infamous for repairing his body from virtually ANY injury, was the perfect plaything for a cutthroat sadist. A toy, horrifically brutalized but hardly ever broken, would keep this vicious savage entertained for CENTURIES if he willed it. Not enough pain to completely desensitize, no, but enough to leave a victim hopeless, to believe that the light had died.

Mr. Winter's was dragged haphazardly to the squalid stone dungeon by the hair, the overwhelming presence of waste & bodily fluids nauseous --- if not gagging or incurring immediate vomit. Prior victims with their punishment CLAWED into their chests didn't leave much for the imagination ; Certainly he was to succumb to a similar fate, left chained & rotting to the bars of prisoners? Or, lucky enough to be set under the quick blade of the guillotine? Strapped upon a table rack, any of the iron chairs? Anything to not NEEDLESSLY draw out his pain?

" ℑ 𝔞𝔪 𝔰𝔬 𝔣𝔬𝔫𝔡 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔞𝔠𝔱 𝔬𝔣 𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔢𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫. " However, the horror which DARED utter from his lascivious lips offered a 'DIFFERENT' kind of punishment. Grip tight as a vice, the molded would not depart from his side unless he severed his own scalp from his skull. A cruel laugh, then blissful sigh followed : " 𝔗𝔬 𝔟𝔢 𝔭𝔦𝔢𝔯𝔠𝔢𝔡 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔦𝔫𝔳𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔡 𝔟𝔶 𝔞 𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢𝔦𝔤𝔫 𝔟𝔬𝔡𝔶 𝔦𝔰 𝔞 𝔪𝔬𝔰𝔱 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔬𝔵𝔦𝔠𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔢𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔫𝔤. "

WHAT KIND OF TORTURE DID THIS BASTARD INSINUATE?

Metal, screaming as it scratched upon the ground, was deafening & grating to the ears. But not to The Lord which deliciously stared into the depths of the shadows, for he knew the sensual contraption that was about to emerge. A gilded feminine form inevitably presented itself into torch-light, but this was no undraped statue, it was the lid to a standing coffin filled to the brink with stakes.

The dreaded iron maiden.

The inevitable torment was enlightened as a zealot, under the thrall of his Master, swung open the spiked casket. A swarm of flies emerged, which had been feasting upon the prior deceased remains --- these degusting cultists no longer retaining the sense to CLEAN their devices, or finding enjoyment with the BILIOUS piles of filth.

" ℑ 𝔴𝔦𝔰𝔥 𝔱𝔬 𝔰𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔰𝔞𝔪𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔬𝔵𝔦𝔠𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔶𝔬𝔲, 𝔞𝔰 ℑ 𝔡𝔦𝔤 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔡 𝔪𝔶 𝔣𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔯𝔰 𝔡𝔢𝔢𝔭 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔴𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔰. --- 𝔚𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔡𝔬 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔰𝔞𝔶, 𝔡𝔬𝔢𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔰𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡... 𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔠𝔦𝔫𝔤? "

[swynlake-spill]

Screw Robinson’s ranking. What’s your ranking of the secondary students?

Oooooo yes, I think it’s about time we get a more objective point of view around here don’t we? Now, my sources tell me that the Ashleys’ ranking system was based on a combination of style, looks, and...personality or cool points or something like that. I’m assuming that Wilbur is using about the same system and so I will honor it, but I’ll add it all up to a score out of 30 in the end! 

also this took so long will someone please venmo me a quid for coffee or something 

Bae “Nemo” Nam-min

Looks: 8/10 he’s legit hottie when he actually puts effort in 

Style: 4/10 leaves MUCH to be desired. He has two looks-- sweatpants or skinny jeans. With a friend like Finn, you’d think he’d be more educated

Personality: 7/10 He’s very easy to be friends with, but an airhead and drama magnet. Don’t be fooled by the smile-- he’s more trouble than he looks!

Overall score: 19/30, or about a 6.33 on the old scale. 

Ferbs Fletcher

Looks: 9/10 LEGS LEGS LEGS LEGS LEGS. points off for hair rip 

Style: 4/10 why are all men fashion-challenged, why are all boys addicted to the skinny 

Personality: 5/10 I honestly don’t know what to make out of Ferb b/c he’s more of a tall, mysterious type, so I’m giving him a very neutral score here. If he opened his mouth more, I might like him less. 

Overall score: 18/30! 6 even! 

Mei Kusakabe 

Looks: 8/10 EEEE she’s a real cutie with serious selfie game! 

Style: 9/10 As you all know, I’m super obsessed with her look! Point deducted for those misses, which are SERIOUS misses. Miss Mei needs to float some of those looks past a panel before strutting into school and embarrassing herself. 

Personality: 6/10 Here’s where she’s losing points and it’s because she talks to ghosts. Mei! Ignore them, jfc! Save it for your free time! 

Overall score: 23/30-- a 7.6! 

Jack-Jack Parr

Looks: 5/10 oh boy does JJ Parr need an intervention. I just don’t understand why so many boys’ mothers don’t teach them how to properly care for their hair. Honey, you need to be using a special shampoo and a mousse for those curls!! ldsajflk let me help you 

Style: 2/10 ooooh boy does JJ Par need an invention. Everything he wears looks like hand-me-downs from Dash. It was cool when Dash wore it... several years ago! 

Personality: 6/10 I think he’s funny! He’s nice! He’s um, creative! Like if I went to secondary and got paired with him on a group project, I would absolutely be doing most of the work but at least he’d probably try. Maybe? Well. I could think of people who I would want to work with less.  

Overall score: 14/30 --4.6! 

Su Qin

Looks: 7/10. My problem here has everything to do with the weird staring thing. We all know the weird staring thing. None of us like the weird staring thing. 

Style: 7/10. I like her style as I’ve said before! I think she’s super unique, but I also think she could go just that extra step further. 

Personality: 2/10. Oh honey. I hate having to score you so low, but right now your personality is if Mei’s personality was a sandwich, you’d be the crusts that no one wants to eat. 

Overall score: 16/30-- 5.3 

Brandon “Barrel” Adamson

Looks: 5/10. PLEASE CUT UR HAIR CUT UR HAIR CUT UR HAIR. There’s a cute boy under there somewhere! 

Style: 2/10 Barrel knows one colour and that colour is black. His clothes also don’t seem to fit him very well. Hey Wilbur, can you do something about this?

Personality: 2/10. It’s only fair to give him a similar score as Su, since they like each other so much. He is also the leftover crusts to Lock’s personality sandwich. 

Overall score: 9/30-- a 3. Ouch. 

Romeo “Roo” DeRosa

Looks: 8/10. He is extremely good-looking! Like that’s a smile that is doing him every favour in the world. I can certainly see why he lured an Ashley in. 

Style: 6/10. ugh all these teenage boys exhaust me with their lack of style why even bother having this as a category. what kills me is Roo’s shoes are never clean, like they’re caked with mud. Wash off your shoes!! 

Personality: 8/10. I have almost no complaints with Romeo. He’s a sweet boy, he’s hardworking, he’s funny and even talented! I also think he’s kind of gullible...might even go with stupid. You’d have to be to knock up Ashley A. 

Overall score: 22/30-- 7.3! 

Finn Flounder

Looks: 9/10 hELLO face personally i dont understand why we have not talked about Finn’s face sooner and also more, like we just have dedicated Finn Face Appreciation Time, like, I’m talking artistically speaking is anyone else with me or

Style: 10/10 Colour! Variety! Texture! Pattern! Finn knows how to pick a concept and nail it, and he makes so much of his own clothes! 

Personality: 1/10 oh right this is why we don’t talk about his face, it’s because his personality is the equivalent of the puddle of water you squeeze out of a dishrag. He is such a sweet boy with no spine whatsoever. It drive me CRaZY.

Overall score: 20/30-- 6.6 

Phineas Flynn

Looks: 7/10. He is cute! He has a perfectly pleasant face with nice features. He is tall, though not as tall as Ferb. He looks, in a word, harmless. 

Style: 5/10. Once again, he looks like his mother dresses him, and I mean sometimes that’s a blessing because who knows what he’d look like if his mother didn’t dress him, but way to look like 95% of the teenage male population. 

Personality: 6/10. Phineas is charming, but only if you talk to him for about 20 minutes. After twenty minutes, there’s this quality in his voice that will worm inside your head and get stuck there. It’s like nails on the chalkboard. Once you hit forty minutes, you’ll realize he’s still talking (though you haven’t said anything in over twenty minutes), and that he really loves to hear himself talk so then it just becomes an exercise in watching Phineas impress himself. 

Overall score: 18/30--6, like his brother. Appropriate! 

Haley Long

Looks: 8/10. She’s hella cute! She’s got to be, sharing the genes of one hottie Jake Long! 

Style: 8/10. She’s got the whole ‘am i gay’ vibe going for her, which I love. I love when I can’t tell, when it’s like, does she like flannel, or is an avid fan of Lost Girl? She went with Ashley A to prom, so I mean we know she’s at least a LITTLE wlw--I’m getting off track, the point is, I’m into her masculine-feminine energies. 

Personality: 5/10. Hayley confuses me. Like, on one hand--she went to prom with Ashley A so maybe she’s an insane person. On the other hand, she ended up with Vee at the end of prom, so maybe...oh yeah, she’s still an insane person. She feels unpredictable, and maybe in a good way, but also maybe I need to run for my life. Haven’t decided! 

Overall score: 21/30-- 7! 

Dewford “Dewey” Mallard

Looks: 5/10. The Mallard boys are very interesting looking to me, like they have some of the most beautiful hair in Secondary but they prove time and time again they have absolutely no idea what to do with it. They’re also tall, but so skinny, like slendermen. Would like to enroll them all in a zumba class, maybe even yoga. 

Style: 5/10. I’ll be honest, my eyes glaze over when I look at Dewey/Huey b/c the only difference between them is the general colour scheme. I like that they do TRY for some individuality. 

Personality: 4/10. Dewey is...quiet. And weird. And alone a lot. He actually concerns me a little bit, like is he okay...? It’s not really my job to know, but it should be someone’s! 

Overall score: 14/30-- 4.6 

Hubert “Huey” Mallard

Looks: 5/10 please see above 

Style: 5/10 please see above

Personality: 8/10. I like to think of Huey as the capable, family-friendly Mallard. He’s like a glass of milk with a chocolate biscuit. Everyone likes it, even if it’s not everyone’s favourite dessert. I mean, he’s smart, interesting, he has a wide group of friends! If I had to choose anyone to be put on a group project with, it would be Huey Mallard 

Overall score: 18/30-- 6!  

Llewellyn “Louie” Mallard

Looks: 5/10. u know what to do 

Style: 7/10. GASP. Yes! A decent score! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Louie tries to have a unique style. He experiments, he’s not scared of looking like an idiot--he often looks like an idiot-- but he at least intrigues me. And next to so many boys who literally don’t know what they’re doing, he really stands out from the pack. 

Personality: 6/10. While Huey is family-friendly, Louie is an acquired taste. You might really like all those wacky Louie antics, or maybe you’re allergic! He’s definitely trouble all the way around, so my personal opinion is that he’s best in small doses.

Overall score: 18/30-- 6! 

Moon Yeongtae

Looks: 7/10. He pisses me off actually because he’s genuinely quite a handsome boy who is genuinely trying to look as un-handsome as possible. I should put this way lower out of sheer spite, but I want to encourage the rest of the teen population to exercise because at least Tae has that going for himself. Take the Mallards to the gym, Tae!

Style: 3/10. He also only knows the colour black and I think I’ve seen him in jeans three times in my life. I’ve never seen a boy so dedicated to sweatpants as a personality trait

Personality: 5/10. Speaking of personality, sweatpants isnt a personality trait! What’s his other personality trait? Arguing with people? Grunting? 

Overall score: 15/30-- 5. 

Pearl Park 

Looks: 10/10. YES our first perfect score! But is there any question when you have a face like that? Just check out her insta. The likes speak for themselves. She’s GLOWING, she’s RADIANT, she’s going to bring this school to its knees

Style: 8/10. Obviously she has more style than 80 percent of this list. It’s only this low because we haven’t seen her full potential yet, or so I like to think. She’s playing it very safe, even if she’s playing it in her own league. I would like to see her push the envelope!

Personality: 7/10. Once again, this is low because we are still getting to know the alluring Miss Park. She seems to be super nice! No enemies yet. But I know there’s something spicy hiding under all the new girl niceties. I would also like to see it! 

Overall score: 25/30-- 8.3

Pip Seville

Looks: 7/10. Personally, I like he’s adorable! He might not be topping any Most Handsome Buzzfeed lists anytime soon nor is he anyone’s secret crush but we love a boy who had good hygiene and perfect skin! 

Style: 9/10. Yes yes yes!!! He might be a theatre kid cliche, but I’ll take one of those over another awful pair of joggers! Pip would never wear all black unless he’s in tech rehearsal, and we respect that. 

Personality: 6/10. Soooo he’s pretty loud and a bit of a risk, like if you partnered with him on a school project, the odds of you getting an A are very high, but the odds of you crying by the end of it because you didn’t meet his expectations are also very high. So you know....take your chances. 

Overall score: 23/30-- 7.6! 

Wilbur Robinson

Looks: 8/10. Well OBVIOUSly Wilbur is a hottie. Did I deduct points for his new hair. Maybe I did. 

Style: 9/10. FINALLYYYY Yet another boy who can dress and dress well! It helps that he can afford nice things of course, but you also have to know how to WEAR the nice things, and Wilbur does. 

Personality: 7/10. Wilbur is funny, opinionated, stubborn, a go-getter, generous, and these days, even charitable (those are two different things). Does Wilbur have flaws? Sure. But from what I’ve seen in my ask box, people can’t decide what those flaws are. Is he ... too nice? No wait, he’s actually too mean! He’s an asshole, oh wait, he’s a simp for Barrel. Bla bla bla. Point is, if you add everything up, he’s a decent dude. I don’t agree with all his choices, but I’d also rather hang out with Wilbur than most people on this list! 

Overall score: 24/30-- an 8! 

Ariel Triton

Looks: 4/10. Boy did the Tritons really mess it up on this one!! I love the pixie cut, but Ariel always lets it grow too long and doesn’t keep up with it. It’s like at this point just shave your head-- tbh, i bet you’d look pretty good. 

Style: 4/10. BOY of all the girls she really has no idea what she’s doing either. I admire Alana and Adella deeply for letting Ariel find herself in her own time. I’m just hoping it’s going to work out at this point, maybe we’ll transition from Dumpster Girl to punk rock when they actually get the band going. 

Personality: 6/10. You know, I have a healthy level of respect for Ariel. Some people will say she is too fightey, but she stands up for her friends and her beliefs! I’m into that. I mean, she’s usually wrong, but at least she has conviction. 

Overall score: 14/30-- 4.6 

[angrygoatgirl]

have you heard about that eating disorder diabetics get when they purposefully don't get insulin so they can lose weight? I'm trying so hard not to start it, but it's like an urge inside me. I'm not "fat" but I would say I'm a little chubby. I really want to lose about 15 pounds before college, but every time I start to exercise and eat right I gain weight since my blood sugar is low all the time no matter how many adjustments I make. Do you have any words to offer me?

This is a topic I have often thought of writing about, but never had the courage to post. Anonymous, I’m doing this for you, please listen:I know exactly what you are talking about and exactly how you feel, because I’ve done it, it almost killed me, and even though I nearly died from it, I’m sometimes still tempted. It’s called diabulimia (if you don’t already know) and while not yet officially recognized as an eating disorder, it is finally gaining the attention of the medical community and even the media; the BBC did a brief documentary on it recently, which I haven’t yet seen. Diabulimia falls under the bulimia umbrella because restriction of insulin is used as a form of purging; one doesn’t have to induce vomiting to have bulimia, as some people think – people may have exercise bulimia (overexercising as a form of purging), use laxatives, or other purging behaviors. For us type 1s, insulin restriction is a unique option. The first and most important thing to know is that you are not alone. You are not alone. And that is worth more than you may realize.   In a survey conducted by Joslin Diabetes Research Center, one third of type 1 women admitted to having manipulated their insulin in an attempt to lose weight. Yes, you read that right: one third. And that is self-reporting, which means it’s probably lower than the real number. The statistics on the incidence of eating disorders in both men and women with diabetes have not yet been nailed down, but the evidence does show that people with diabetes also are much more likely to have eating disorders than the general population. 

To understand one of the possibilities why this is the case, here is a quotation from Ulla Kärkkäinen, a Finnish research nutritionist, defining disordered eating: 

“Eating is disordered when a person arbitrarily decides when they are hungry or full, regardless of how they are feeling; weighs themselves constantly; or drinks non-caloric drinks to keep from feeling hungry. Eating can also be considered disordered if a person meticulously plans each meal long into the future, counts calories and weighs foods, follows an excessively strict diet or cuts certain foods from their diet…”That is the treatment for type 1 diabetes. Whether or not we eat is dictated by a number on a meter, not by how we feel. Meals are planned and food is measured and weighed so that we can dose properly. What and when we eat is almost always at the forefront of our minds, literally so we won’t die. Our bodies are constantly being measured to see whether results are satisfactory. Add to that societal misconceptions about diabetes, the tendency of insulin to make some people gain weight, the recently discovered direct effect of insulin on dopamine levels, and the multitudinous other factors that can make weight management harder for diabetics, and you’ve got a perfect storm. So I’ll say it again: you are not alone.The first time I experienced diabulimia I was fourteen. I didn’t have a word for what I was doing, because the word hadn’t been invented yet. I just knew that before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I was losing weight and feeling good about my body, and after I was diagnosed and started taking insulin, I gained weight and felt ugly and fat. It was the mid 90s and heroin chic was in, the pressure to be super thin was already overwhelming for any girl, but added to that was the pressure not to conform to diabetic stereotypes: I didn’t want the ignorant kids who thought I got diabetes from eating too many sweets to be validated. I knew rationally that my chubbiness didn’t make them right, but reason couldn’t change how I felt. I was too afraid to restrict my insulin for more than a few days, though…or maybe I was too strong and had not yet been worn down enough? I don’t know. It wasn’t until my twenties that I really went for it. Like you, I wasn’t fat. I was athletic with maybe 10 or 15 pounds of chub that I would have liked to have shifted. My family life was difficult. I was broke and on my own. I had no insurance and was already rationing insulin to try and make it last. I didn’t know at the time that burnout is common for diabetics, but I was suffering my first burnout. I was completely worn down by life and by diabetes, and I just wanted to be able to control one thing. Just one. So I started manipulating insulin. I took control by refusing to control my diabetes.And, oh how I rationalized it! I would take my long-acting and skip the fast-acting, I was still taking some insulin, that was surely better than none, right? I was riding 300s and 400s, but it wasn’t 500s or 600s, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? I’d had perfect A1Cs ever since my diagnosis – that was over a decade! What could a few weeks of high sugars really do? Other people were out of control of their diabetes all the time, and they were still okay. There were type 2s walking around with high blood sugars for years not even knowing! And when it started to work and the weight just fell off, it was easier and easier to rationalize. “Just five more pounds,” I’d say. “Just ten more pounds and I’ll stop.”Of course, one of the side-effects of high blood sugar is extreme hunger, so my eating habits became harder and harder to control. I craved carbs like never before. A whole pizza, an entire box of cereal, two dozen Oreos couldn’t satiate me: and the more I ate, the thinner I got. I never binge ate before the diabulimia, but my body was starving, and so bingeing became a thing for me…especially since it just made me lose more weight. I hadn’t gained control, I’d lost it. Completely.One morning at 5am, after three months of rationing insulin and rationalizing my diabulimia, after a night of nonstop vomiting…I realized I was dying. I was so sick, I lost seven more pounds THAT DAY. I could barely breathe and my heart felt like it was going to explode, trying to pump the sludge that was my acid blood through my veins. I asked my roommate to drive me to the Emergency Room, but before I left, I stepped on the scale and felt really good about how much weight I’d lost. I’d gone from someone whose chronic illness necessitated disordered eating to someone with a full blown eating disorder. And the eating disorder had taken me over.I spent the next 3 days in the ICU wearing an oxygen mask, catheterized, a massive hematoma on my arm from the excruciating arterial blood draws, searing potassium being delivered via IV to the other arm. Five IVs in all. They told me if I’d waited just a few more hours I’d have died. I’m not telling you this in an attempt to “scare you straight”, though. You know the risks as well as I did. Sometimes knowing the risks and even having lived them isnt’ enough. Eating disorder wouldn’t be a mental illness if it was rational. What you may not know is just how quickly and easily and how TOTALLY it takes you over.So I’m going to tell you the one thing that keeps me from going back to diabulimia when I am really struggling: diabulimia doesn’t really work. The minute you start taking insulin again, the weight comes back with a vengeance. It is a fleeting fix – the high blood sugar might as well be the high of heroin or meth: you feel better in the moment, but when you come down off that high it is hell, and everything that pushed you to try it the first time has just been made worse.I’ve been struggling with eating disorders ever since, though I’ve not resorted to diabulimia again. Sometimes, like I said, I feel so down that the only thing keeping me from it is knowing its effects are temporary. I even checked myself into one of the most renowned eating disorder treatment centers in the country…sadly, there is little known about treating eating disorder in type 1 diabetics, and the traditional treatments for eating disorders are in direct contradiction to the treatment of diabetes. In the end, their attempts to help me only made me worse. With hard work and help from a sympathetic endocrinologist and diabetes educator, though, I’ve been recovering. I’ve even gone a few years at a time with the eating disorder tamed. I still have relapses, though. While I can never know for sure, I think that if I had never tried diabulimia, I would never have developed any full blown eating disorders.You asked if I had any words for you and it saddens me that I have so many, and that so few of them are good. I don’t think it is hopeless, though: I have lost weight in a healthy way with diabetes, and without my eating disorder taking control. It was harder for me than for people without diabetes, but it can be done. I’ve had periods where the eating disorder was barely even there. I learned that weight really wasn’t even the real problem, and learned that there were other things to focus on for my mental and physical health. And even though my treatment experience was mostly negative, I took a few really positive things from it: the realization that my eating disorder didn’t have to define me, the realization that I wasn’t alone, and that it was okay to ask for help. You see, just as the stereotypes about diabetes are mostly wrong, so are the stereotypes about eating disorders. Eating disorder is seen as the ailment of the young, white, middle-class, anorexic chick. But the truth is, there was every kind of woman in that treatment center: women from age 14 to 64, of every ethnicity and religion, rich and poor, rail-thin to morbidly obese. And there were so many women there whom, had I not known they were struggling with eating disorders, I would have thought totally had their shit together, were confident, were admirable. Knowing that such admirable women were facing the same struggle as me made me hate myself less. You are not alone. Your weight doesn’t define you, and it certainly isn’t worth developing an eating disorder and potentially losing your life. If you need more help, ask for it, but remember that you have to balance your mental health with your diabetes, and don’t let anyone tell you one is more important than the other. They are both necessary.And that is it. There is no easy solution to this problem, there is not a moral or neat ending to this story, there isn’t a tidy little bow to tie this shit up with. I just hope that you will read my experience and spare yourself going through it, because it’s not worth it.   

[peristeron]

so y’all its time for the rare “maybe i need to re-examine my dæmon form" time with mala, thoughts under the cut

right, so. for those not in the know, who happen to decided to poke into this out of curiousity — i use the dæmon forum’s methods, which are basically taking the whole thing as a personality typing dealio, for self-reflection and shit. for the past several years i’ve been solidly settled as a tawny frogmouth, and before that, before the shift in analysis style i was a palm cockatoo

BUT recently i’ve been noticing some thought patterns i think i’ve pretty much always had but never entirely paid much attention to or noticed, namely some stuff relating to being image-oriented, particularly when i’m actually dealing with conflicts and not running the fuck away or otherwise avoiding the shit out of them. this isn’t something i ever considered about myself because generally i hate the spotlight and am so conflict-avoidant that the competitiveness that almost always goes along with being image-oriented doesn’t fit me At All

however

i’ve been noticing as a pattern through the past few months just how much i am Deeply Concerned with how things will Look, even when i feel generally past the point of going through the motions/playing the social game/doing my usual sugarcoating that is a lot more purposeful and careful than it probably seems. i Care about how i’m going to look to a theoretical Audience, to the point that it will utterly stress me out in some environments to the point of turning into a slug (see: dreamwidth). i want to make sure my shit is water-tight, i want to make sure that i come out looking Good. which, given internet culture (and especially dreamwidth and tumblr cultures), makes sense, especially for someone whose brain spends 75% of its activity centered on Avoiding Stress/Conflict/Unpleasant Things. if facing something Unpleasant and actively getting involved, it makes sense to not want things to get More Unpleasant due to one’s own phrasing or actions, etc.

anyway

one of my biggest problems with form finding, right, is that my cognitive functions are INFJ and my enneagram is 6w7. that isn’t a combination that’s very common and, from what i can tell, is viewed as kind of weird. i’ve re-examined both of these things (bc i try to avoid quizzes with personality typings and instead try and figure out how the systems work to pick The Most Accurate One, bc im that nerd), and i’m pretty heckin solid on it. but because its an uncommon and weird combo, it can make form finding difficult — bc finding an analysis that has the right combination of weird INFJ/6w7 traits is ............ yeah

NOW FINALLY ON TO THE GOOD SHIT

so i’m poking around on the spreadsheet, bc i know it isnt infallible but its a handy resource to get started with, and i keep pulling up things that are absolute duds. and then im like, “coyote, sure, lets just fuckin look” bc its listed as infj and 6. the analysis linked to that needs some editing, but doesn’t seem egregiously wrong and ... weirdly ... fits more than i expected. so out of curiousity, i popped over to the other two coyote analyses, both of which were written by forum analysis experts

and i stare. because this is............ hmm. it isnt a Perfect Fit, at least i dont think so, but its............... its more on point than i really expected. wtf. the other analysis doesn’t fit nearly as well, which i wonder how much of that is really down to differing interpretations or if it’s because of............. something else idk, but ironically that’s the one that has infj listed in the coyote’s possible mbti. this one doesn’t, but is more accurate to me. /scratches head

this is just So Weird to me bc i’d largely like. not........... considered a canine for myself before, not seriously, not since i got started and went through the “Maybe I’m A Wolf” phase. i’ve been birds for the longest time. but the birds that worked for me before (tawny frogmouth, mourning dove, though that second one fit a lot less closely) are distinctly missing the image-oriented stuff. and the bird analyses i know that definitely do center on it too much. so looking outside of birds, let alone finding one that fits as well as that coyote analysis, is just.................. Weird. it feels so Weird

it even nails something that, like. i never looked too closely in regards to myself bc i didnt like it:

¤ Possessive (revisited) Only some coyotes are territorial year round, but all are territorial during breeding season. Although there's not a lot of information out there on the subject, it appears that coyotes are territorial of the core 10% of their territory year round (usually where the den is located). How aggressively a coyote defends its territory will depend on available resources. In times of plenty, they're more lax; when food is scarce, they're less welcoming. Similarly, coyote people are not Possessive with a capital P, but they are possessive of things they see as uncommon or unique to them. The more obscure the interest or thing, the more possessive they are. Finding someone who shares these interests makes them feel like their individuality is being threatened. In contrast, when something is really popular or common, they don't expect it to be "their" thing and aren't upset by others embracing it. Basically, you could call them conditionally possessive.

SWEATS..................... LOUDLY. i. yeah. this is a kneejerk reaction i have. its not as uniform/regular/predictable as that, and i really need to pay more attention to that feeling and analyze it more when it happens, but i uh. sometimes........... i......... yeah

like. typically, i am not a jealous person. 97% of the time, i dont get jealous about my relationships, to the point that polyamory is a very real possibility for me and has been a thing for me in the past. but occasionally. occasionally. i’ll get... possessive a bit. and a bit jealous, wanting to helicopter and wanting to demand All The Person’s Time, No, Play With Meeeeeeee. i dont let myself do this, ever, because i know its Bad and it feels extremely uncomfortable to feel it to begin with. and there are some things i’ll get weirdly possessive about, usually more along the route of ideas kinda thing. i get the whole insecurity about “if this other person does the thing, then everyone’s going to like them more than me, and no one will like me any more because that person is better than me.” which is bullshit but i haven’t figured out how to bury it yet

squints off............... also i wanna talk about this:

¤ Competitive  ... Coyote people are competitive by nature. They want to succeed and have trouble enjoying themselves if they're losing or struggling. This might cause them to drop activities they find difficult while focusing on what they're good at. They have a habit of comparing their achievements to their peers', which can lead to motivation or jealousy. They want to be the best in their field (or at least feel comfortable with their status), and they'll do what they can to stay there.

again, like i said earlier — being competitive isn’t something i typically consider a trait i have. i dont like conflict, competition feels way too much like conflict to me, i dont like negative attention, etc. ..................... but. b u t. the way this is phrased here? the bolded shit? which is pretty much the entire thing? y...eah. this hits it right on the fuckin head for me. i avoid competition because i hate losing and dont trust my reactions when im not doing well in a competition situation. i avoid things i’m bad at for the same reason (and bc feeling like a failure, bad thought spirals, perfectionism (which is also a trait in this analysis), etc). and, here’s the kicker, even if i’m not participating in something competitive at all, i’m still constantly comparing myself to other people, esp other people who are doing similar things to me (such as, say, role-playing courier six, the most open-ended player character in the bethesda fallouts and thus why am i comparing my OC to other OCs that’s fucking stupid). i may not feel like i want to be The Best One (is that bc i have no ambition/drive, which is a thing, or is it bc i have a huge amount of self-worth problems and therefore can’t imagine myself as being The Best and besides i wouldn’t want that pressure to be and stay The Best) — but i want to feel comfortable and safe in a status of being One Of The Better Ones, or even just One Of The Good Ones. and i want to maintain that status because i hate change (even if i can deal with it after some adjusting)

again — all of this is shit i’ve never wanted to really look too closely at or even admit too much, but it’s been there for a very long time, so its not like i’m magically developing this. its just............. that i’ve ignored it. and now im starting to be more honest with myself about it and its raising a lot of questions

anyway i may not be a goofy af looking bird guys i may be a clumsy, goofy coyote. ???????????????????????????????????