#/ HOOOOOOOOOOOH MY FUUUUUCK

[sirsharp-a]

My Conscience is Clean. ❜

Summary:  Edgar can be an idiot but God was a bigger one this time around. Warnings:  Brief mentions of abuse/sexual assault, though nothing in detail Parts:  Part 1  |  Part 2  |  Part 3  |  Part 4 ( here! )  |

    His grief was insurmountable.

    “I trust you have made your peace with the end,”   Raku said as tentatively as he could, small form gradually sinking until he could sit next to Edgar at the edge of No Man’s Bluff.  The ground was cold.  The moon, round and full, gave off a ghostly glow.  Their silhouettes looked borderline comedic beside one another, one tall and distinctive while the other was a short stubby mass.

    The lye was silent for a while, black eyes affixed on the abyss in front of him.  To him, it was like staring into a mirror.  In a voice filled with vitriol:   “... rest assured, there will be no peace.”

    I will linger in the void as a ghost.                                My spite will blacken your name, enter your blood as venom.

    “Edgar…”   The deity sighed, eyes closing tiredly.   “This is the best way forward.  You know that I do not want to do this.”

    “I don’t want to hear it,”   he spat.  In the moment, his words were more poisonous than he was.   “Just get this over with.  There is nothing I can do.  Screaming and crying about it will only make me look weaker.  I am not weak.”

    The last thing he wanted to do was sit there and accept it, but he knew deep down that there was truly no way to avoid this outcome.  The God had already made up his mind, and he was powerless to stop the chain of events that would ultimately result in his demise.  He had spent millennia outfoxing the smartest of people:  white collar criminals who had the money to buy their freedom whenever they screwed up;  threatening organised gang units who didn’t fear the law; other lyes that were, at least on surface level, ‘more’ than he was.  This, though…  this was a fight that he could not win.  There was no element of chess, no wit to be challenged  -  there was fate, and there was a cold chasm, and that was that.

                                                                                                    Grace…

    Every time her name resurfaced in his brain, his heart began to ache all over again.  It hadn’t stopped since their last night together, her touch both soothing and scalding as he revelled in its undeniable purity, but thinking of her made it hurt more.  Though he tried ever so hard not to, he couldn’t help but yearn for her.

    How could I let myself fall in love again?     How could I let my feelings be returned?     How could I even think about leaving her behind?

                                                                     There has to be  SOMETHING  I can do--                                                                                       -- there’s  nothing  I can do.

    An ear twitched as his maker’s voice drew him back to the present.  He found Raku floating in front of him, held aloft by unbridled power, short black legs slightly bent as he relaxed above the open pit as if suspended by string cast down from the Heavens.   “... pardon?”

    “Kneel,”   he repeated, gesturing to the ground with his head.  

    After a moment of hesitation, Edgar realised that he was on his feet.  He didn’t remember getting up, nor did he recall having the strength to do so.  This entire thing has taken a toll on me.  I’m not weak but I feel it.  I feel so wrought with depression and anguish that I don’t want to move.  Every time I need to get up, there’s a great ache in my bones that won’t dissipate.

    Edgar shook his head.   “No.”

    He felt it then:  a steady pressure making a home on his shoulders.  It was light at first, though the longer he remained standing, the more harsh it became.  Eventually, he was trembling with the effort it took to remain upright, legs wobbling like jelly before a final barrage of metaphysical energy saw them giving out beneath him, knees hitting the cold rock formation beneath him with a dull thud.  A flush of shame coated the back of his neck, teeth bared in a furious snarl as he glared up at the deity.

    “I said kneel.”

    “Fuck what you said,”   Edgar growled, bile transforming into a tiny ball of molten venom. Without thinking, the lye spat it at the saviour, eyes flashing a menacing white as he did.  It shot a clean hole through the deity’s robe, material fizzling with raw energy, and the shocked sound that he made sent a bolt of pleasure through Edgar’s core.   “I won’t ask for forgiveness, even though my end is nigh.  I don’t require it.  My conscience is clean.”

    I’m not your bitch.  I’ll never  be  your bitch.                                     You may take my life but you will never take my rage.

    He zoned out again.  Even when the God glowed a bright white light that hurt his eyes, he remained unresponsive, refusing to give him even an ounce more of his acknowledgement.  How dare you try to take what you didn’t help me to get?  You don’t deserve my tears, or my pleas, or my apologies.  I’ll never--

    “Stop!”

    -- stop, I’ll never stop, I’ll--

                                                                                       … stop?

    As Edgar’s head slowly inclined, he realised that Raku was no longer looking at him but off to the side, large blade seemingly crafted out of pure  light  held stationary above his head. Gradually, Edgar’s line of sight followed suit, landing on none other than Grace.  Could you feel my longing?  Is that what led you to me?

    Simultaneously:

                                   “Who are you?”                                    “Grace…”

    When she was close enough to the scene, her form shifted, golden hair and striking blue eyes replacing her animalistic visage as she skidded to a stop beside her lover.  Even on his knees, he was more than half of her height.

    “What’re you doing?”   the Alpha asked through clenched teeth, feeling a searing pain blooming in his chest.  Not only was it shameful to be seen in such a defeated position, he couldn’t bear to make her watch him die.  You seeing me take my final breath…  it will change you.

    “I read your stupid letter--”   she seethed, looking at him with such scorn that it burned. Though he opened his mouth to speak, she cut him off:   “How could you address that to me?!   You idiot--”

    “Grace--”

    “YOU IDIOT--”   She had a funny way of making him feel  grateful  for having his intelligence demeaned, but in this case it only wounded him.  It wasn’t even the insult to his pride that stung-- it was the  tears  welling up in her eyes, the strong woman that he knew crumbling at the seams. He couldn’t enjoy her misery in the same way that he could other peoples’.  Grace Adler in tears was a heart-breaking sight to behold, one that chewed at what little was left of his heart.  Please stop.  Please, please don’t cry.

    Grace sank to her knees in front of him, ignoring Raku completely, trembling hands reaching up to cup the sides of Edgar’s face.   “You can’t go.  You can’t.”   She fought against the gentle coil of his fingers around her wrists, refusing to allow him to guide her away from him.   “Y-You can’t confess your feelings to me and then just vanish…  y-you can’t do that, Eddie… please don’t do that to me…”

    “I don’t have a choice--”

    “You have a choice!”   Beneath it all, she knew that what he was saying was true.  She just didn’t want to  accept it.   He’s wonderful, powerful, smart as can be…  but that’s nothing to a God.  Bitterly, fingers lightly digging into his skin:   “I  won’t  forgive you if you do this to me.  I won’t.”

    The change in his face shattered her in two.  She witnessed the last little spark of hope in his eyes die, brows arching as he stared at her wordlessly, helplessly.  His dim gaze averted sullenly from hers, focused on the dead rock beneath him.  In a tight voice:   “...  I suppose that is what I deserve.”

    “Edgar…”

    Her ears swivelled the opposite way when she heard shifting behind her.

    “Grace…”   Despite his self-righteousness, Raku’s voice was soft.   “Please step aside.  Don’t make this any more difficult than it needs to be.”

    “I refuse to leave him alone,”   she hissed, glaring daggers at him as soon as she’d turned her head.  Though she could feel Edgar’s hand pressing gently against her side, as if urging her away from him, she remained adamantly in place.  Teeth were bared in a defensive snarl, venom pooling at the corners of her mouth.   “I  WON’T  let you take him from me!”

    That seemed to startle the deity somewhat.  Slowly, his weapon was lowered to his side, glowing blade matching the pallid white of his robe.  The hole that Edgar had made was now gone, no evidence of his defiance left behind.

    “I understand that you’re angry...  but you don’t see the big picture, Grace,”   Raku began solemnly, stance now more open and patient.   “His continued existence is dangerous.  He is living on borrowed time.  He--”

    “I DON’T CARE.”   The woman stood up with a stomp of her feet, fiery indignation threatening to burn her alive.  Even in her fury, she knew that she was behaving rashly.  This was her creator…  her  maker;  the one she would answer to when all was said and done.  Nevertheless, her life was as good as over if she lost Edgar now.  It had been so long since she had been granted happiness;  whether his behaviour was birthed out of lust and a desire to meddle with her feelings or not, it didn’t matter.  The end result was something real;  something that, now that she’d felt it, she couldn’t live without.   “A-All of your excuses…  every single one of them, they’re not good enough for me.  CHOKE  ON  THEM!”

    As much as she resented it, she could feel herself getting emotional.  Her eyes burned;  her throat felt tight;  her heart ached so fiercely that she felt it would burst.  Arms wrapped around herself, squeezing her frame tight as she tried to resist the urge to scream--  to jump off of the edge of the bluff--  to hurl herself at her lord and saviour and send them  both  spiralling into the dark below.

    “It feels like you don’t see the big picture,”   she uttered ruefully, voice wobbling, nails digging into her arms as she shook.  Though Raku was barely over a foot tall, his effortless hover made her feel small in his wake, like an ant staring up at an incoming boot.   “If you did, you’d know that killing Edgar is just as dangerous.  It tells me that you don’t  UNDERSTAND  all that he’s done for so many people!  It shows me that you just want somebody to be the villain, and of course it would be a lye.”   She wasn’t stupid;  she knew that Edgar wasn’t perfect.  On the contrary, she knew all too well that he was a sadistic creature that longed only for his own entertainment…  but he had always been good to her.  To his creed.  To his friends. And, as far as she was concerned, they were the ones who mattered.   “Business…  all the people that needed help and he was there to offer them it--”

    “Through abusing his abilities--”

    “It doesn’t matter!”   Grace exclaimed fiercely, teeth grit tight.   “He was there, and he was honest.  Those people needed help and he gave them it.  He didn’t need to use his powers for that but he did.  He helped the weak.  The defenceless.  Those that were trapped in horrible situations and couldn’t do anything about it themselves.  Abuse victims. Homeless people.  Young children.  Poor people.  All people who were suffering the weight of this place.  The place that you made.”   She didn’t wait to see if Raku had opened his mouth to rebuke her, nor did she look behind her to discern whether Edgar approved of her running her mouth or not.   “They’ll all be out a hero.  And his creed…  they’ll be out a leader.  You made lyes, right?  You know what happens when they’re gone.”

    “...”

    “Aléjandro Murphy.  He told me all about the time that you revealed yourself to him and a handful of others.  He’s a huro you look up to very much because of the family that he belongs to;  he’ll be out a dear friend.  Deeana Braav, a woman who treated you with extreme kindness while you were busy hiding from war;  she will lose the man who killed her abusive ex, the man who freed her.  Ivan Mox, the one I call my brother, will lose a steady beacon of support.  Huron will be out one of the first inter-species establishments that has existed.  And I…”   She felt a sob slip past her lips, even in spite of how vehemently she was trying to hold it back.   “I’ll lose all that makes me happy.  Y-You’re God…  you know the life I’ve lived--”

    “I don’t know,”   Raku interjected.

    “Then let me educate you.”   I refuse to let you take control of this conversation.  When all is said and done, you have the last call anyway.  This is the last and only chance, and I intend to take it.   “I was taken advantage of.  I was beaten and battered by my first Alpha;  raped and bred by my second.  It’s funny to me that the Alpha you want to kill off is the one that gave me everything.  Even when I was rude to him.  Even when I bared my teeth and insulted him.  Even after I acted like a little brat, because I didn’t know h-how to--  h-how--”   She paused to sniffle, furiously wiping at her eyes.  Don’t start crying now.  Don’t you  dare  lose it now.   “... h-how to deal with my--  deal with all that I’d been forced to live through…  a-and endure…  and he was  STILL  THERE.”   She’d long since learned that tears burned much like shame did.  As they trailed down her cheeks, she found that she could do nothing to stop them. How is this justice?  How does killing him resolve anything?  It’s your fault he’s even here again in the first place.  You  unleashed this ‘evil’ yourself.  The weight of the situation was steadily crushing her, an uprising surge of panic and grief threatening to submerge her.  After snivelling meekly, she doubled down, feet planted firmly on the ground, hands curled into defiant little balls.   “I won’t leave him behind.  If you want to get to him, you’ll have to go through me.  ”

     Could you do that, Lord?  Could you damn an innocent soul just for acting earnestly?

    “Grace…”   The God’s blade vanished, the small creature floating closer to her.   “You have to understand, this is for the best.”

    “For WHO?!”   she shrieked.   “For YOU, that’s who.  Not for me.  Not for him.  Not for the hundreds of people he’s helped.”    Everything  hurt.  Her chest ached every time she took a breath.  Her vision blurred a little more every time she blinked.  The tremors wracking her body left her feeling frazzled and exhausted.  In a more resigned tone:   “If he goes, so do I.”

    “Grace…!”   She turned back to see Edgar staring at her, wide-eyed and urgent.   “Please step back.  Don’t say th--”

    “I’m tired, Eddie,”   the scout interrupted, voice worn and weary as she looked down at him. Her hands reached out, gently touching the sides of his face again.   “... I’m so tired of living so precariously.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel stable.  I get those things when I’m with you.”   She smiled a weak smile, sinking to her knees before him once more.  Though she couldn’t stop crying, she nestled her face into his chest, relishing in the warmth, in the familiar scent.   “I always respected you for giving me choices.  I’d like to be allowed to make this final one.  If Raku takes you away, I’ll be close behind.”

    “... how…?”

    “We’re on the edge of a cliff, Edgar.”

    His arms wound tightly around her then, like an anaconda threatening to squeeze the life out of its prey.  She didn’t resist;  only nuzzled closer, his warmth soothing the terror inside.  You can’t fix me.  You never could.  But you can make things better.

    The God stared wordlessly at the couple, their wholesome embrace sending a chill down the length of his spine.  The whole time he’d thought to pursue this line of action, he hadn’t considered the possibility that Edgar was in a genuine, loving relationship.  The deity knew very well of Edgar’s sweet nothings;  of his momentary fascinations with ‘perfect’ women, only for it to sour when they displeased him in some way.  A hopeless romantic--  but a twisted one, too. One obsessed with fairytale-esque connections  -  and one who grew angry when the picture-perfect moment was soiled.  One argument was all it took.  One little blunder that most didn’t even consider a mistake…  but there was no faking the hurt on his face.  The way he clung to her was nothing short of desperate--  as if she was all he had.  Perhaps that was true.

    Was I…  wrong?  Did this little crusade of mine go too far?     Was there some element of truth to this murderer’s outrage?     Was the idea to raise damned souls from the dirt a twisted one after all?     Why do I feel like  I’m  the bad guy...?

    It had never failed him before.  Edgar was the first and only example of a hybrid lye far out-lasting its given time.  But just because his methods had succeeded in the past, itdidn’t mean that they were necessarily ethical.  A bad man Edgar Romero had been…  but a tortured one too.

    Would you have travelled that same path had you not lost everything?     Could I have done something?

    Briefly, he thought about all the positive things that he had accomplished during his first life. He’d done all he could for his family, bent over backwards to work and provide for them;  he’d been a fair, honest businessman who hadn’t resorted to trickery or fraud;  he’d incited positive political change, both as a protestor and as a public figure.  Saying ‘no’ to those above him when he felt that they were wrong…  he’d always done that  -  even before he’d lost his family.

    Are you saying ‘no’ to me in that same fashion too?

    “Perhaps…”   The God hesitated, before sinking to the ground.  Small black feet were soundless as they touched the rock below.  I honestly don’t know if I have the  bottle  for this regardless.  Killing somebody willingly...  it’s a horrifying concept, even if it’s for the greater good.  I was never too good at the ‘punishment’ part, was I, Al?  Though neither of the lyes turned or looked up to regard him, both sets of ears had swivelled in his direction.  They were listening, even if they were doing so begrudgingly.   “... perhaps there is another way.”