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verobatto · 4 years ago

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Almost there

We had Castiel's "I love you", and we will have Dean's "I Love You Too"

Destiel meta. 15x18 meta. Spoiler. Meta Spec.

Hello friends, are you still alive? I have so much to say my ears are burning and I have the hart in my throat.

I just want scream this with all of you...

Destiel parallels all over foreshadowing the lovers Separation.

Charlie and Stevie.

First of all, let's spot Stevie's wardrobe: YES, PINK (HAPPINESS) Because she was happy to be with Charlie and she meant Charlie's happiness.

Stevie vanished, foreshadowing Castiel's death, and the lovers separation.

We also had Charlie mourning her, dating she didn't want to try this LOVE THING again. But she did. This quote reminded me how Dean called love like the 'L word' for so many years, finally talking about it and naming it by it's name in episode 14x06 with Jack.

'Why her and not me?' Charlie lamenting her lover's death is the same image we got with Dean sobbing and crying in silence, sitting against the wall, with Castiel's handprint in his left shoulder, as a signal of their bond.

Eileen and Sam

Eileen and Sam were another Destiel mirror foreshadowing the lovers separation. Okay, it was dramatically written with all the messages and the screaming via texting, but, it showed us Sam mourning her, but trying to focus on the mission, not letting the hinges despair of loosing her to drag him down.

The big difference with Dean was settled in this reaction, even knowing Sam and Jack were taking care of the AU hunters, SAVING PEOPLE, FAMILY BUSINESS, Dean didn't answer his brother's phone call. He just couldn't, because the intensity of his pain in lopsing Castiel again was too much for him. He couldn't avoid it. He couldn't reject it. It was there. So he started to cry. Because nothing else mattered in that moment he lost Cas again.

I'll go with you

Castiel in his last crusade with Dean, as he always had done since he met the hunter. He went with him to hunt Death. It was a wink to Destiel shippers, because the weight of these quote had always been part of the Destiel's flag.

But there was a foreshadow for the love confession we also had in this same episode:

Billie saying: 'It have always been you' to Dean, putting the focus on our hunter, treating him of Death defy, rule breaker, human disorder incarnate. She also says: DON'T YOU THINK IS ABOUT TIME, DEAN?

When Death calls out Dean with all theses titles, is a implied description of Castiel rebellious angel. And is foreshadowing Castiel's love confession, because for Cas, his happiness has always been Dean.

'Is about time, Dean' and here comes a spec, as you all know, i extensively talked about how Dean will rescue Cas from the Empty, well, i think this quote could be related to it. Because when Dean will enter to the Void to save his angel, IT WILL BE TIME FOR HIM TO CONFESS HIS LOVE BACK TO CAS.

Something that caught my attention too, was Castiel saying 'I got you' to Jack and then to Dean, his two more important persons in his life. He was protecting them from harm. Gosh I want to cry... But not yet because I have to talk about the most important, revealing Destiel scene from all times.

This romantic I LOVE YOU is for you, Dean

First of all, i want to say something DEAN WILL RESCUE CAS FROM THE EMPTY, because he will, and i want you to keep that in mind (Loudly sobbing) so this wasn't the goodbye, okay?

Let's go on...

This love confession was beautiful, and Castiel made it clear he was talking about ROMANTIC LOVE, because the whole prelude in his wordings were perfectly clear. There's not doubt he was confessing his romantic love for Dean. He even mention THE ONLY THING I CAN'T HAVE is the thing that will make him happy.

Is canon he was asking himself what happiness could be!!! It means CAS THOUGHT ABOUT HOW COULD IT BE TO HAVE DEAN NOT JUST AS A FRIEND!!!!

He says too FROM THE MOMENT HE TOOK THAT BURDEN! FR THE MENT HE REACUED DEAN FROM HELL!!!!!! 'It has always been you', Dean!'

You think you don't deserve to be saved or loved, well CAS SAVED YOU, JUST LIKE NOW, AND HE LOVES YOU DEAN!!!

When Castiel says he understood HAPPINESS IS NOT ABOUT TO HAVE THINGS, BUT TO BE, TO FEEL IT, immediately after saying he couldn't have that thing (Dean) is marking to all the audience that knowing HE CAN'T HAVE DEAN, HE IS HAPPY JUST FEELING THAT LOVE FOR HIM. LOVONG HIM AS HE DOES IS WHAT MAKES CAS HAPPY, AND CONFESSING THAT LOVE TO DEAN, RELEASE HIM.

Death called back all the 'bad things' Dean did, which are THE GOOD THINGS CASTIEL MENTIONED ABOUT DEAN.

While naming Dean's sacrifices and protective behavior, and showing him HE DID IT FOR LOVE, Castiel is trying to make Dean to see himself as CAS sees him.

Love yourself, because you are precious, because I LOVE YOU. You are not a monster, you are all this good things I see on you.

He said YOU CHANGED ME! BECAUSE NOW HE IS TALKING RO DEAN, ALL THAT THINGS HE SAID IN THAT BARN WHILE DYING! HE SAID IT TO HIA FAMILY BUT NOW, THESE WORDS ARE FOR DEAN, JUST FOR HIM! DEAN CHANGED CAS AND CAS CHANGED DEAN!

And Castiel cried! I saw him cry, we saw him cry! Tears of love!

My gosh! if this isn't the most romantic dialogue I've ever seen in my life... I don't know what to do!

Okay, now, i have to put my friend's body language analysis:

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

"His face when he says “I love you” he tilts his head and purses his lips and you can see him swallowing back words. He wants to say “that’s not fair. You can’t tell me that then die” but all he can get out is “don’t do this Cas”..."

Gif set credit @mugiwara-yeet 👇

And OMG!!! Is a confirmation of what is about to come!!! Because Dean is in shock, he can't say the three words back, he just can't, because he doesn't want to lose him again. And that's why he remains against that wall after Cas is gone, because he is suffering for loosing the love of his life, but also because he couldn't say I LOVE YOU BACK TO HIM!!!! HE LOST HIS OPPORTUNITY!! BUT BUT! THE ULTIMATE 'I LOVE YOU' the meaningful, the one that will save Cas, will come soon. DEAN WILL SAID : I LOVE YOU TOO, to his angel, and it will be so important, that will mean Castiel's returning to his hunter. Damn. And we won't need more clown noses, because is gonna be real.

To Conclude:

I don't know what to conclude here more than ,people, we have been blessed, and also, i want my angel back.

I'm sure this is not his end, because there's a hunter there that needs to confess him his feelings and maybe, kiss him.

Thank you and good night, I need more alcohol.

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @destielshipper221b @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @thislunarkiss @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires November 5th 2020 11:54 PM

#destiel #destiel meta #15x18 meta #spn spoiler #meta spec #castiel #dean winchester

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baekhvuns · 2 years ago

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Meh they didn't get nominated today, well that's fine it was Seventeen vs Aespa (stans are already unbearable like didn't they win two times in a row? Be fucking positive for once damn, can't have shit in this fandom). I haven't listened to Nicole's album but I know the single, between her and Sunny coming back as well. It's for the hags. <3 ahhh the sample on GG's new song 💖

I can't blame the panther for wanting to have a piece of Hwa, after all I'm planning to eat him whole <3333

YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A GIRL?! 😭😭😭 bestie, didn't being a homosexual misogynist racist made you think "oh that's a guy?" I'm wheezing, truly a TODAY I LEARNT moment for you

Jaudyasudhshsgsyeh did you know Hwa was my first Ateez photocard ever, it was before I biased him 🤡 god that limited one is really so pretty isn't it? 😌 ahhhh a shame you didn't get a Hwa pc, but he still came! Congrats on your first Jjong. Noooo Withmuu aren't NFTs, yes those holos in Halateez outfits are MWAH. Perhaps I'll get a pola when my albums arrive 👀

Ahhhh that sporty Hwa fic sounds really cute, hope it comes out in the future.

Udysysujagsus good luck with my mother, she doesn't care <3 I'm not sure if jopping makes anyone cool tbh...

I will not move on from Show Champion Hwa, like??? Am I suddenly into arms? Well hwarms more like... his skin tone too, so beautiful 😭 AND TODAY'S HWA OMG A PIRATEEE with a pink belt I wore during my emo and scene phases, lol. Hongjoong in a skirt and a beret! Mingi... Mingi...

Maybe showing the nose phenotypes to you was a mistake, now you have too much power 😳 I'm a big Hwa nose enthusiast in general, didn't know it had other purposes than just making him look so sharp and elegant

That UK band is pretty popular in SK actually hahahha, they seem nice, but stans were like GET THESE 1D KNOCK OFFS OF THE STAGE, pls 😭 yes they met the Teezers lmaooo

The connection between my result and me stanning Bodyguard wow, the science makes sense. I told you, you always pick the most personal quizzes 😩 oh you were psychoanalysed to filth as well, but that last part is so sweet

What's up with footballers especially those residing in Spain (and their families) and committing tax evasions diurueyeishdhsjs

Hwa is serving for all the armpits enthusiasts (not me but even his pits are nice...). SO MUCH FUCKING CONTENT BUT I NEED TO WATCH SHOWTERVIEW FIRST CAUSE they were recreating the Pink Windmill show meme? Do you know it?! And....... WE HAVE IIIIIIT BESTIE GASHINA MOMENT. Them calling Sunmi nuna she was so happy 😆 why was she fangirling so hard, I mean same girl

Me reading Twitter

Buckle up for lots of Hwa's: why he look like that and act like a baby. Please oh ...A BABY BABY BABY ok I'm gonna stop now but let me tell you, this video made me feel something like he lookes so adorable and deadly, imagine seeing this mf in a club I would start crawling on the floor

I got Minerva hahaha - DV 💖

hi hello!!

HOPEFULLY THEY GET SOME TODAY !!! no fr 😭😭 i understand ppl wanting ateez to win but sometimes it’s just not in our hands so instead of being sad abt they should just congratulate the group and think about tomorrows 😭😭 ITS FOR THE HAGS ABSOLUTELY,, gg’s comeback sounds retro refreshing and their teasers photos they’re recreating 😭😭😭 cRYING SOBBING

I can't blame the panther for wanting to have a piece of Hwa, after all I'm planning to eat him whole <3333

LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭 maybe it’s u as the panther maybe ill name it deja instead of dumbles fbfnfbfb <3 devour him i and the yn absolutely 100% allow u to fully ENGULF HIM

YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A GIRL?! 😭😭😭 bestie, didn't being a homosexual misogynist racist made you think "oh that's a guy?" I'm wheezing, truly a TODAY I LEARNT moment for you

IVE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A GIRLIE NEVER ONCE DID IT CROSS ME HE WAS A BOY,,, LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭😭 I SHOULDVE KNOWN PLS DBDBDBDNDB I WAS TODAY YEARS OLD WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT noddy my man,, so sorry but also fuck u???

NO WAY WHAT WAS THE ALBUM U PULLED HIM FROM??? FATE!! my vv first was wooyoung’s answer era pc but i think i traded it for a hongjoong bc ive never never had his card pulled out but even w that trade it wasn’t the right version 😭😭 YEAH THAT ONES SOOOO VV PRETTY YES A SHAME BUT IM GLAD THAT ID WAS HIS BC I GENUINELY DROPPED MY JAW SCREAMED FBFB BROOO THOSE PC’S ARE S T U N N I N G !!!! omg manifesting two three pola’s for u, if u get an extra i will send u my address u already know what to do 🔫

Ahhhh that sporty Hwa fic sounds really cute, hope it comes out in the future.

ill cue it for around summer time for now!! but rn it’s yunho and then some other member before we do the seonghwa series ✨✨✨

Udysysujagsus good luck with my mother, she doesn't care <3 I'm not sure if jopping makes anyone cool tbh...

LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭😭 will make an appointment with ur mother rn 🔫 lOok iF JOPPING MADE SUPERM LOOK COOL? you can too bff

“SUDDENLY INTO ARMS” 😭😭🤚🏼 BE RLY BE MAKING US LIKING EVERYTHING ATP 😭😭 omg YES his melanin ✨🤌🏼 the oiled up arms really made it even better,, TODAYS???? MY GOD THAT PINK BELT 😩😩😩 PLS HES SO SO FINE HONGJOONG IN A SKIRT AND SAN?????? mingi. don’t even go there. please. i’m begging. please he looks like a dilf, please don’t do this 😭😭😭

“sleep well atiny” mf how am i supposed to when u look like this /// and this

🧍🏻‍♀️

he’s so????? pretty??? bbhwa

That UK band is pretty popular in SK actually hahahha, they seem nice, but stans were like GET THESE 1D KNOCK OFFS OF THE STAGE, pls 😭 yes they met the Teezers lmaooo

☺️☺️☺️ mingi also has a similar nose too + hongjoong ☺️ seonghwa tho <3 pls wait a little bit,,, the ceo series would be like duke but modern fbfbfb <3 OH????? BIG NOSE ENTHUSIAST OKAY I SEE U OK OKAY OKAYDBDBDB no fr but his nose bridge is so pretty >>> NOT 1D KNOCK OFFS PLS FHWJBDKW 😭😭😭🤚🏼🤚🏼🤚🏼 someone said harry styles but dollar store version pls 😭😭😭

STANNING BODYGUARD??? IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS HELLO,,, <3 i will pick another one rn I WAS YES,, TO THE FILTH 😭😭🤚🏼

What's up with footballers especially those residing in Spain (and their families) and committing tax evasions diurueyeishdhsjs

NO LITERALLY WHATS GOING ON 😭😭 i heard ronaldo and messi had to do it too in spain esp and apparently every celebrity has to at some point fbfbfb tax evasions but sm ent too

HE HAS SUCH NICE PITS??? so smooth and all?? like bro pls drop 1 hour routine of everything pls expose the secrets pls begging 😭🤚🏼 FUCK SHOWTERVIEW US OUT??? WEEKLY IDOL TOO??? FUCK FBENFBDN I THE WAY THEY INTRODUCED THEMSELVES SO LAME BUT SO CUTE FBDBB sunmi nuna 😭😭 from the small teasers ive sen it looks like a lot of fun NO YEHA SAME ID ACT THE SAME TOO,,, how she looked into the camera, girlie so strong bc i would’ve passed out tbh <3

Me reading Twitter Buckle up for lots of Hwa's: why he look like that and act like a baby. Please oh ...A BABY BABY BABY ok I'm gonna stop now but let me tell you, this video made me feel something like he lookes so adorable and deadly, imagine seeing this mf in a club I would start crawling on the floor

LMFAOOOO THAT LIVE WAS SO CHAOTIC 😭😭…… ateez hello baby when. wHEN I NEED TO SEE SEONGHWA WITH A KID

i am, excuse me.

my delulu is being fed SO mich in these links i don’t know how to act anymore,,,, RNWKDJWKHDKWDHWKHDWK CRAWLING? BRO WE BARKING FOR HIM ON FOUR KNEES MY FEMINISM LEAVING ME FOR THIS MAN AND THIS MAN ONLY

I got Minerva hahaha - DV 💖

“you're a great intellectual. maybe sit down and do some knitting or something though”

THE FIRST PARTS SO TRUE 😭😭😭 if u knit open up im pulling into for a sweater order 🔫

BESTIE WOOYOUNG RED?????

...

this your ceo??? the ceo dreams???

ayo??? 😭😭 don’t the show team check their ear pieces before giving it to them??? tf???

ABOUT TO THROW HANDS

#✉️ : ask #dv 💖 anon

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nyaacatboy · 6 years ago

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Fate’s Door, Chapter 6: Life’s A B*ach

Masterpost/Chaper 5/Chapter 7

Roman Theularus was the sort of person who, reasonably, thought they should be happy with their lot in life, but through some cruel twist of fate, was not. Perhaps it was the enormous stresses of being the kingdom’s next king, implemented since birth, or maybe it was the persistent gender dysphoria that begged them to do things that irritated his father and the whole court. Nonetheless, Roman was not happy, they were in fact sad, restless, and moody to boot.

Today had started no better than any other, with being roused at the crack of dawn by the leader of the military and forced to run three miles in the sweltering heat. Supposedly, this was going to build their stamina and resilience for kingship, but Roman was of the opinion that it was a way to break down their resistance so that they’d have no willpower to disobey anyone. Following was Roman’s daily hiding from the castle hairstylist, who had been ordered to cut their unruly locks no matter what methods she had to use. While Roman was slipping her any gold he could find to keep her from searching much harder for them, it was best to keep up the charade of hiding so that she didn’t lose her job.

Next up was attending classes with their governor and speeding through the work while acting as if they actually cared about taxes and territories and budgets...they were already spiritually asleep. Lunch soon followed, and Roman thought about the temptation of adventure through twelve debates the King’s Cabinet had, which eventually softened into a drone of figures and facts. They defeated several dragons, and rescued many princes, princesses, and fellow nonbinary royalty after daring deeds and with passionate kisses. Roman got lost in their thoughts, spicing up their stories with plot twists, betrayals, and red herrings.

“Roman, did you catch that?” his stepmother asked, her painted face tilted towards them in an expression begging the prince to follow court decorum and actually pay attention for once.

Roman lived to disappoint. “Nope. What’s the big news?”

Every face of their father’s cabinet looked at them gravely, as if they hadn’t fully understood the seriousness of the situation. The king spoke. “I’ve decided to abdicate the throne early, leaving you to rule the country with me in an advising position. We’ll coronate you on the solstice. I think you’re ready for this responsibility.”

No. Nononononono. Roman was not going to rule the kingdom. For one, they didn’t even qualify as a king, and with his knowledge of the current political state, the king was planning to let his past mistakes fall on his child’s shoulders. Roman had watched deal after deal being signed by the king bearing the names of the richest in the land, and despite the community-focused speeches the king gave afterwards, they knew that only bad things would come of them. It was quite the impressive inheritance, but Roman wanted no part in it. They’d declare all of them defunct if there was a way, but there was no way Roman could actually get them put into practice with the current cabinet. Not to mention that there was no way they’d get full kingship. Roman’s father did not like giving away power, and Roman didn’t want to be the figurehead for his tyrannical plans.

The idea of seeking an adventure sounded less like a fantasy and more like a valid escape plan now. Roman played the part of a diplomat and weathered everyone’s questions, answering affirmative to the kingship because they knew there was no other choice. The conversation swung around to something else, and one of the higher-ranked servants made the mistake of bringing up sorcery. As per usual, everyone pretended the servant hadn’t said anything, but they did not resume their previous topic as usual. Several dukes and duchesses looked at one another worriedly, and two cabinet members even began a heated whispered conversation. Roman scanned the faces at the table, looking for a clue as to what they were all concerned about, but the grim expressions yielded nothing.

Now was the time for them to leave. Roman made a quick excuse, then dashed up to their quarters. They looked in the bathroom mirror, studying the reflection. Roman knew one thing for certain: there was no way in all of the world that they would become king of Straith under these conditions. Their escape from kingship had to be the adventure they’d always wanted. It was now or never, as much of a cliche that was.

Their clothes were much too opulent to blend in, so Roman rummaged through their drawers to find the simplest outfit he owned. Awkwardly, as Roman was not used to dressing without servants, they put it on. They sighed at their reflection. The intricate embroidery on the shirt and pants gave it away. Roman probably needed to grab clothes from the servant’s laundry in order to blend into a crowd of common people. Throwing a fairly nondescript cloak over their more simple outfit, they gathered up some money, water, and a compact tent. Who knows where the path of adventure will lead? Stuffing everything into a sack, Roman made their way to the laundry without being spotted. They grabbed one set of the outfit there was the most of, then changed in a broom closet. Roman put the cloak on as well, although they knew that the red trim might give them away.

Roman made one more foray into their room to gather some medical supplies, and the scarf their mother made for them while she was pregnant. They couldn’t stand to part with it, the bright red yarn always reminded them of the stories told about their brave, adventurous, dead mom. She’d died so that they could live, and Roman kept that sacrifice with them always. They threw a penknife and some layers into the sack, and climbed out their bedroom window and down the castle’s ancient bricks. Roman was going to find their adventure before they were forced into an unwanted crown, and starting as soon as possible was essential.

Weaving through the crowd of errand boys and half-day commuters, Roman kept an eye out for anyone who looked like they were doing something adventurous. The mysterious characters who kick start a story, or the ordinary events that kick off a journey, those were the ones they watched for. Technically, their life wasn’t a fantasy novel, but that didn’t mean Roman couldn’t live it like one.

After helping out several overburdened pedestrians, who did not turn out to be the Fairy Godmother, and so would have rewarded them immensely for their kindness, Roman felt their harebrained adolescent plans coming to absolutely nothing. They’d wanted to meet her too, the Fairy Godmother’s fashions were absotively legendary. Roman wandered around a little longer, trying and failing not to feel the pressure of ruling Straith in a few weeks on their shoulders.

Most people in front of the castle were walking or moving in some form if they weren’t buying something, which made anyone stationary stand out. Roman’s roaming gaze landed on a lone figure in a deep black cloak standing at the side of the road, facing the castle. Their feet moving before they consciously made the decision to, Roman walked towards the person.

She had dyed blond hair falling past her shoulders, paired with a dark blue shirt, slightly stained black pants, and leather boots that had moved past well-worn into in need of a replacement. Her focus was entirely on the castle, eyes moving and taking in information. Virgil had made up her mind about what she was going to do.

“What are you looking at? It’s not really the most impressive architecture,” Roman said, trying to pry information out of this stranger.

“I’m looking for the dungeons,” she said, “and, what, no ‘hello’”

“Hello,” they said, “I apologize for my lack of manners, you were so intriguing I appear to have pushed them aside out of curiosity.” Roman gave a slight bow, trying to remember every way they’d ever learned to convey respect.

“Well, I’m Virgil, and unless you know where the dungeons where and how to get to them, I suggest you leave me alone.” She swept her cloak so that her face was obscured from Roman again.

“I do know where the dungeons are,” Roman said, turning themself more towards her, “but I have to know why you need to know. Your average layperson doesn’t typically go seeking out the dungeons. I’m Roman, like the prince.”

Virgil turned to face them full-on. “Can you keep a secret?”

“I’ve kept one from everyone for three years, so yeah.”

“There’s a doomsday prophecy that will kill us all on the solstice and the only way to stop it is releasing a top-security prisoner from the castle dungeons.” She watched them carefully, eyeing Roman’s reaction.

“Ok. How high security of a prisoner are we talking? I can show you the way to the dungeons right now, unless there’s something you need to do first.” Despite their calm expression, Roman was having a mini freakout party in their head. A doomsday prophecy? A mysterious prisoner? They’d found their adventure.

Virgil looked shocked, but went with it anyways. “Highest of the high-security, and maybe wait a while before leading me to the dungeons, since I don’t have a plan to break the prisoner out.”

“What do you need to break them out?” Roman asked, rearranging his cloak so that it concealed them from the crowd better.

“It’s better if I explain this to you somewhere else,” Virgil said, glancing at the people in the crowd behind Roman.

“I...I know a place.”

“Well, let’s go then. No time like the present.” Roman led Virgil through the most secretive entrance to the castle, using ancient passages they were sure no one else knew of until the two arrived at the door to their room.

“So, I’ve got a bit of a confession to make,” Roman began.

“We met five minutes ago. I’d be more surprised if there wasn’t one.”

“So when I said I was ‘Roman, like the prince,’ I neglected to mention that I am actually the prince.” Roman closed their eyes, bracing for some inevitable fangirling or anger from Virgil.

Virgil looked at her surroundings, as if truly taking them in for the first time. She considered the situation, then looked back at Roman again, whose eyes were comically squinted at her. “You’ll make a very useful ally,” she said.

Roman tentatively opened their eyes to find a determined Virgil looking at them like they were going to be very, very important for the plan she had in mind.

TAGS: @fanficptsd

#starredwrites #roman sanders #princey sanders #ts roman #virgil sanders #anxiety sanders #ts virgil #chapter 6 #fate's door #sanders sides

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randomfanfictiontime · 7 years ago

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I Can’t Help Who I Love

Summary: After Hannah Baker’s death, you’re life turned to shit. Your boyfriend broke up with you, your best friend is dead... Nothing could make your life worse. Well, maybe one thing... (I swear the actual story is better than the summary!)

Pairing: Alex Standall x Reader, Zach Dempsey x Reader (platonic), Hannah Baker x Reader (platonic)

Word Count: 5479

Warning(s): Mentions of suicide, mentions of teen pregnancy, A SHIT TON OF ANGST OMG, MeGa FeeLs (( I was listening to ‘River Flows in You’. I wAS SaD sO i sHAll CONdem YOu to BeiNG Sad As WeLL))

(A/N): As you can see, I threw my feelings up all over the fic. Someone needs to ban me from ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’, Alex Standall, and angst because this is the result. Put those things together and I poop out this story. I AM SO SORRY! Also, this is my first 13RW imagine so I’d appreciate the feedback. I really, honestly hope you enjoy it, because I really enjoyed writing it. I’m actually really proud of this piece, it’s easily one of my favorites.

You were the fourth. The fourth member of the little "squad" that had formed after Hannah's death. The fourth tape. The fourth reason... The fourth reason that Hannah Baker ended her life. You couldn't believe it when you heard the words "Welcome to your tape, (Y/N) (L/N)." You remember thinking, 'Why on Earth were you on this?' You racked your brain the whole entire night, trying to come up with some plausible excuse as to why you were on them. And you came up with nothing.

After listening, you couldn't believe it. Of course you felt guilty for what you did, but it's not like you could've helped it. As they say... You can't help who you fall in love with...

************************ "Now, tell me... Would you want to date someone who created a list, a list meant to get back at his girlfriend for not sleeping with him, but instead ruined another girl's life in the process...? I wouldn't. So, imagine my surprise when my so-called 'friend' decided that it would be a good idea to fall for him.

"Welcome to your tape... (Y/N) (L/N)."

************************ "(Y/N), hey! Wait up!" You hear from down the hall. Glancing over your shoulder, you spy Clay Jenson making his way through the crowd, trying to catch up to you.

They warned you about him. Justin, Jessica, Alex... They warned you that he had the tapes and that he was cornering them, threatening them. And since you were the next person, it was your turn.

Quickly trying to look for a way out, you bolt towards the back exit. Looking behind you, you notice that Clay was no where in sight. As you sigh in relief, you begin turning the corner only to come in contact with someone's chest. You yelp and fall backwards.

"(Y/N), oh sorry." He holds out his hand for you to take, which you do, and helps you up.

"What do you want, Clay?"

"I just want to know why you did it. She was your friend and you stabbed her in the back." Your eyes begin to tear up, the mere memory of her...

"Look, Clay..." You begin, releasing a shaky breath. "I can't talk to you about this, okay?" You turn to leave but he grabs onto your arm, forcing you stop.

"Why not?"

"Because, I can't." Feeling you try to pull away, Clay tightens his hold on you.

"You knew what he did. You knew he ruined her, yet you still dated him? Explain it to me. Why would you-"

"What do you want me to say, Clay?! That I'm sorry? That I'm stupid for choosing Alex, out of all people? Well I am! I'm sorry and I'm incredibly stupid! But that doesn't change anything, does it? Me saying sorry isn't going to change a damn thing..." You were full on crying now, sobs breaking up your yelling, making you sound weak.

"Hey!" You heard someone yell furiously.

"What the hell are you doing to her? Back off, man!" You felt Clay's grip get ripped off of your arm as he got shoved away from you. Looking up, you saw a furious-looking Alex standing in between you and Clay.

"Alex, it's okay..." You mumble, pulling him away.

"No, it isn't. You're crying, and he's the cause of it." He pointed to a miserable looking Clay.

"Why do you even care, Alex?" He turned to look at you, disbelief written all over his face.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means we broke up, so you can stop pretending to care." He stood, silent. His mouth opened for a split second, as if he was going to say something but he closed it before he could. He just let out a scoff, walking away as he shook his head. You turn back to Clay, wiping the tears from your eyes. More just took their place.

"You can't help who you fall in love with, Clay... You of all people should know that." And with that, you walk away, leaving Clay standing in his place, processing what just happened and what you had said.

************************

"We met at Monet's. You were sitting alone, sipping your drink, slowly. Alex and Jessica were talking about how unfairly some substitute was to their class, while I just sat there, drinking my hot chocolate, staring into space. I was the one who suggested we go over there and say hi, seeing as you looked lonely.

"Why?" Jessica asked, looking over at you with a weird look in her eye.

"Well, because she looks lonely." They didn't say anything so I got up and went over to you. Your eyes glanced up at me, slight hope sparking in them. That spark went away as soon as you saw it was me.

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else." You mumbled, going back to chewing on your straw.

"Waiting on someone?" I knew the answer, but I asked anyway.

"Yep. Got stood up, again. I need to learn not to trust guys." You laughed. Despite the sadness you probably felt, you laughed. And I laughed along with you.

"Yeah, guys are dicks."

"Amen, sister." We sat there, just laughing.

"I'm (Y/N)," you stuck your hand out for me to shake.

"Hannah." Alex and Jessica waved over to me, beckoning for me to come back.

"Hey, would you want to come sit with us? My friends are over there." I pointed at them.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Would you?" You sat there, silent and thinking. Finally, you smile and nod.

"I would love to." And just like that, another member was added to our tiny group. Three became four. And even after Jessica and Alex disappeared, you stuck with me. You never left.

I can easily say that you were my best friend, (Y/N). We had sleepovers, talking about cheesy things like boys and you would go all fangirl about your crush on Montgomery De la Cruz, or I gushed to you about how a certain someone looked at me or talked to me. We walked home from school together, went on coffee dates to Monet's. You would always swing by the Crestmont to see me whenever you could. You wouldn't even watch a movie, you would just stand there for hours and we would just talk.

I could come talk to you about anything and you would listen. And even after everything... After Justin's picture or Alex's list, you never left me. I remember showing up on your doorstep, crying, and you took me in. You let me rant and vent all I wanted. I remember asking you why you were still my friend.

"Because," you told me, "I don't care about your reputation, Hannah. I don't care if you did or didn't do that stuff because to me, they are just rumors. You are my best friend, Hannah and until you flat out tell me that they are true, I won't believe a word. And besides, guys are dicks." It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me."

************************

You had decided to go the cliff to get your mind off of things, but it only made it worse. Tears streamed down your face as you reminisced about all of the memories you had with Hannah or about the ones you had with Alex. You didn't know where it all went wrong, with either or them. Everything had seemed so fine one second but came crashing down in the next. That was just life, you guessed.

************************

One day at lunch, you practically came skipping over to me, all smiley and giggly.

"Why do you look so giddy today? Oh my God, are you blushing?" I laughed, moving my stuff out of the way so you could sit. You rubbed your cheeks, unable to wipe the smile off of your lips.

"Shut up!" You whined before getting back on point. "Okay, so you know how I had that crush on someone, but I never thought it was going to happen considering he just got out of a relationship and all that?" Nodding, I urge you to continue.

"Well... Last night, he took me out on a date."

"Oh my gosh, really?" You nod happily.

"Are you ever going to tell me who this mystery guy is?"

"Oh Hannah, I don't kiss and tell."

"What? You two kissed?"

"It was completely accidental, but it was awesome nonetheless." I was so happy for you, (Y/N). I didn't think much of it that day, but I could've sworn that I saw a weird look cross your face. One full of remorse and guilt. I didn't understand why. I also didn't understand why you didn't really tell me anything about the guy you were dating until a few weeks later, you arrived at the Crestmont. With Alex.

"Two tickets for 'It' please." I was working the booth that night, so when Alex showed up, I had to at least pretend to be nice.

"Oh... Hey Hannah." He mumbled once he saw it was me.

"On a date?"

"Uh... Yeah." That was when you approached.

"Hey, while you get the tickets, I'll go ahead and get our po-" you stopped your sentence short when you saw me.

"Hannah? I-I thought that you weren't working tonight..." I got the feeling of overwhelming deja vu. But most of all, I was hurt. Alex excused himself, letting us talk privately.

"Alex is the mystery guy?"

"Yeah, listen Han... I'm really sorry." You knew what he did to me, yet you still dated him. Looking back at all of the times you gushed to me about your 'new boyfriend', it never occurred to me that it would be Alex. I didn't realize that you were going behind my back with the person who started it all. I felt sad, empty... Most of all I felt betrayed. You were my best friend. But best friends, they don't do what you did... So I had assumed that you were never really my friend.

Now... Now I realize that you were actually my friend. No one can fake it for that long, so well. I just want to know... why'd you do it?"

************************

Over the course of the next few days, you did your very best to ignore Clay, and Alex. But, you knew you couldn't for long. And Zach voiced your fears.

"(Y/N), he getting closer to his tape, which means-"

"I know exactly what it means." You snap, immediately apologizing.

"I'm only trying to look out for you."

"I know, Zach." Before Hannah died, you and Zach became best friends. It was mostly because he was the least obnoxious out of all of Alex's new friends. You two had remained friends even after the break up and Hannah's death.

"Look, maybe he won't put the pieces together. I mean, none of you guys did, so..."

"Clay is smarter than the rest of us." He was also one of the only ones who you told your secret to. You are hoping to keep it that way.

"Look, I'm not that worried. It'll probably blow right over his head." The truth is, you're terrified. Clay is smart, really smart.

"As long as your sure..."

~CLAY'S POV~

He was so close to being done. He was on tape number 12, having already listened to his tape. He felt a feeling of dread, it seemed as though as the numbers progress, each reason is worse than the last. Taking in deep breath, he presses play.

************************

"I just want to add something, a story, before I get on with reason number 12... Now, let me be clear. This section of the tape is not a reason. But, it is something significant that I feel I should mention. I won't be giving any names as to who it is I'm talking about, it's not my place to. But perhaps maybe it will help them...

This happened the same night of Jessica's party. It came before everything that happened with Sheri, Justin, and Clay...

She had approached me while I was sitting on the couch. I was alone, so it gave her the perfect time to walk up to me, looking as if she was about to burst into tears right then and there. She asked if we could talk for a second in private. Now, why would she come up to me of all people in a house crowded with them, you may ask? Well, all I'm going to say is that she was my friend. Whether I admitted that at the time, she was my friend.

"I know that we aren't on good terms at the moment..." She began, pausing as if she was thinking about a good way to word whatever it was she was going to tell me.

"And I know that you must not want to see me, but I didn't know who else I could talk to, who else I could trust..." She seemed to be struggling with something major so despite everything, I gave in.

"What is it?"

"Something happened... And I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone, not even my parents." Her words were broken by the tears that began flowing down her face. I placed my hands on her shoulders as she looked at me with teary eyes. Whatever it was, it had to have been bad because this girl hardly ever cried in public. Sure, she's cried to me a lot, but never was it in a public setting. And here we were, at a party.

"You can tell me. What is it? What happened?" I knew her and her boyfriend had recently had a pretty bad break up, so I assumed that it had something to do with him. But, what I was expecting her say and what she did say were completely opposite of each other.

"I-I," she stuttered, tripping over her words. I waited patiently, knowing that you can't rush her in these types of moments. Finally, after about a minute, she whispered something. It was so low, and the music from inside the house was so loud, I couldn't make out a word that she had said.

"What?" She said it once more, only slightly louder. This time, I read her lips. My heart was pumping because of what I thought she had said. It couldn't be though, could it? No.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" She took in a shaky breath, and you said it so loud, you almost shouted it.

"I'm pregnant." In that moment, everything that had happened to me, all of the shit that had happened... I don't think any thing could compare to what she was feeling in that moment. I pulled her in for a hug, knowing that she needed comfort. She cried on my shoulder for a long time.

"How far along are you?" I asked, just out of curiosity.

"Only about two weeks, I'd say. I found out last week." She sniffled. We had moved back into the house, and were sitting on the couch.

"Is it his?" I hesitate to ask this, but, again, I was curious. And she needed to talk about it.

"Yes...

"Are you going to tell him?" She looked at me as if I was crazy.

"What? No, Hannah. You can't tell him."

"Why not? If it's his then-"

"No! He's a teenage guy, and besides, he already dumped me. Do you honestly believe that he will accept this?"

"I don't know, maybe." It was hard to believe, but it was her we were talking about. Her ex loved her very much, even I could see that. I still don't know why he broke up with her. He absolutely broke her heart. And I disliked him even more after that, if that was even possible.

"Hannah, you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone. Especially him." I argued with her, saying that it wasn't for the best that she keep it from him, asking her what she was going to do when the bump was noticeable.

"I'll figure it out but please. Promise me. If you've ever been my friend, you won't tell him." And, reluctantly, I agreed.

I am still keeping my word. I have never told a soul. Not until now at least. And even now, I still didn't give you a single name.

As for the girl... I'm sorry. I know that I promised. I also know that it must be disheartening to hear about yourself on a series of tapes giving reasons on why a dead girl is dead... But I assure you, this was not a reason. I thought about this over and over, turning it over in my head. I hope this will give you the courage to tell him, if he doesn't know already. You were, and always will be my friend. Don't forget that.

Now... Onto the true twelfth reason..."

************************

Clay sat, silent. He didn't understand. Someone pregnant? At their school? He hadn't heard anything about it. From anyone. He instantly tried putting the pieces together. How did Hannah and these tapes relate to this girl?

Clay stayed up all night, brain on overdrive, making it hard to sleep. For some reason, he just couldn't let what he had heard go. And it gave him a powerful headache to just keep thinking about it. But, he didn't stop. He wasn't going to stop trying to figure it out until he did.

It was so frustrating. It felt as though if he could just rattle one little piece of memory from his brain, he could figure the whole puzzle out. Everything would click. And, eventually, it did. Right when his alarm clock rang through the early morning air.

~(Y/N)'S POV~

"(Y/N)..." You roll your eyes, slamming your locker door shut.

"Please, Clay. Enough. Just leave me alone, okay?" You turn to walk away.

"I know. I know about you, (Y/N)." His words make you stop in your tracks.

"I didn't understand at first. But, slowly, the pieces began coming together." You turn to face him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw you with her the night of Jessica's party. You were hugging her, your shoulders shaking as she comforted you. I didn't remember any of this until earlier this morning. After I stayed up all night, trying to figure out just who she talked about right before tape 12." Your mouth dries up and your heart starts to beat faster and faster.

"Sorry... I have no idea what you're talking about." He walks closer to you, making you back right into the lockers. The school hallways were empty, with the exception to you and Clay. If anyone was in the school, they'd be in the gym, preparing for the basketball game. No one was around to save you.

"Don't play coy with me, (Y/N). I know. Okay? It took me a while to figure out what she meant by 'despite everything that happened between us' or 'you were, and always will be my friend.' It took me awhile to realize that the girl she was talking about was on the tapes...was you. But everything clicked."

"Clay-"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" Your eyes widen.

"Keep your voice down!" You say, before you have a chance to stop.

"I knew it. Does Alex know?"

"No, and you can't tell him."

"Why shouldn't I? I mean given what Alex did to her... He ruined her life. You both did. Your life is already ruined by the baby, so why not ruin his too?" As he was saying all of this, your hands ball into fists. You clenched them so hard, you could feel the blood trickled from your palm.

"You shut your mouth, Jenson! You think I planned for all of this to happen? Do you think I planned to fall in love with Alex Standall, a boy who created a list that potentially drove my best friend, Hannah Baker to kill herself? Do you think that I planned on betraying her by doing so? Do you think I planned on becoming a single mother? You think that I planned to be a mother at all right now? The answer is no! But it all just happened. I didn't mean for it to, but fate's funny like that." Tears we're pouring down your face, your face had gone red, your hands still balled into fists.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry that all of this happened, and I know you lost the love of your life. But, guess what? I lost mine, too! Both of them! So, who are you to continuously badger me for questions? Who are you to stand here, and rub it in my face? I get it! Do you want me to say it out loud? FINE! I killed Hannah Baker. Did you hear that, or do I have to say it louder?" He was speechless, so you yelled to the top of your lungs, voice breaking due to your tears. "I KILLED HANNAH BAKER! ALL WHILE CARRYING ALEX STANDALL'S BABY!" Your voice boomed through the hallways. You failed to hear the footsteps that echoed down the hallway, coming closer and closer.

"Are you happy now, Clay? ARE YOU FREAKING SATISFIED!?" You dropped to your knees, unable to hold yourself up as you shook uncontrollably, hard, loud sobs racking your body. Before Clay could say a word, he looked over to his right. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw two figures running over to the both of you. Shaking your head, you lowered your head into your bloody hands.

"What the hell, Jenson!" That was Justin's voice. While him and Clay were arguing, you felt hands gently wrap underneath your legs and around your back. You were being lifted into the air.

"Zach?" You cry, blinking your red, puffy, teary eyes at him. He smiles sadly down at you while he takes you away from Justin and Clay.

"Yeah, I'm here. Don't worry, I've got you." You wrap your arms around his neck, hugging him as you sob into his shoulder. Normally, you wouldn't be this broken up, but you had enhanced hormones and with the conversation you just had, well you deserved a good cry. And Zach let you. He always let you come to him and cry on his shoulder, and now was no exception.

Zach had took you to the bathroom, letting you get cleaned up. Your eyes were still puffy and your face was still kind of red.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, walking slowly with him back to the gym.

"Don't apologize. Jenson is the one who should apologize. He had no right in cornering you like that."

"Maybe he did. I mean, everything he said was true. Everything I said was true. I really did kill Hannah Baker. And now he and Justin know that I'm pregnant. What if he tells him? What if he tells Alex? What am I going to do then? God, I'm such an idiot."

"Stop it, you aren't an idiot. You lost your best friend and you're carrying a child, and you're only 17. You're still a kid. No kid should have to go through this. And about Justin... He wouldn't tell Alex, I know that for a fact. He may seem like he's an ass but he's... He's a good guy."

"But, what about Clay? He threatened that he would."

"He's been threatening everyone. He hasn't done anything yet." You sigh, looking down at your stomach.

"Zach, what am I going to do? I'm nearing three months and I'm beginning to show more and more." Zach looks at you with sad eyes, his facial expression giving away what he's thinking. You shake your head.

"(Y/N)..."

"No, don't say it."

"I think it's time to tell him." Tears prick your eyes for what felt like the millionth time.

"No, you don't understand. I can't."

"But why not? What are you afraid of?" You're quiet, staring down at your toes.

"If I tell him... It will make it too real," you whisper.

"What do you mean?"

"If I tell him, it'll mean that this is all real. That it's really happening." He puts a comforting hand on your shoulder, smiling sadly.

"(Y/N), it's already real. It's happening. And there isn't anything you can do to stop it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your leg was bouncing up and down nervously as you waited for him to show, heart beating a million miles a minute. You were chewing on your nails as you delicately traced little circles on your stomach.

"(Y/N)?" His melodic voice flowed through you as glanced up at him, standing up quickly.

"H-Hey. Can we talk?" He scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Oh, so now you wanna talk?" You didn't miss the hint of venom laced in his words.

"Alex, please," you pleaded. "This is important." Sensing the serious tension, he dropped his arms and walked a little closer to you.

"What is it?" You sit on the bench once more, patting the spot next to you.

"Here, sit down." He complies, furrowing his eyebrows at you. You turn slightly so that you are facing him.

"I-I don't really know how to say this, and I don't know how you're gonna take it... Oh, who am I kidding, I know exactly how you're gonna take it." You rambled, stopping only when he placed a comforting hand on your leg. You glanced down at his hand, slightly balling your fists.

"Hey, calm down, okay? Whatever it is, you can tell me." Staying silent, he shifts a bit, taking his hand off of your leg.

"Are you afraid that I'm gonna get mad?" You nod shyly, tears starting to form. He almost immediately pulls you in for a hug, noticing your tears. He rubs your back soothingly as you sob lightly into his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay, (N/N). Whatever it is, I promise not to get mad."

"Don't make a promise that you won't be able to keep."

"Listen to me. I promise you that I won't get angry. Please, just tell me." You take in a deep breath. 'Here goes...'

"I-I'm pregnant..." You whisper into his ear quietly. He tenses up, pulling back slowly. You are unable to meet his eyes as he stops only when he can fully see your face. He scans it, almost as if to see if you were lying to him.

"What did you say?" He stuttered. You slam your eyes shut tightly.

"Y-You're..." You simply nod.

"And it's mine?" You look at him with wide eyes.

"Of course it is!" You snap, angry that he would even insinuate...

"Holy shit." You pull away from his grasp, putting your face in your hands.

"I'm so sorry." You cry. You felt his arms wrap around you once more.

"This is isn't your fault. Hey, listen to me," he gently pulls your hands away from your face and pulls it so you could look at him. You finally meet his teary, ocean blue eyes.

"This isn't your fault. Do you understand me?"

"But-" he shakes his head, closing his eyes.

"No. I won't let you just blame yourself. Okay? It was both of us."

"Are you angry?" He sighs, opening his eyes once more to look into yours.

"No, of course not. I promised you that I wasn't going to be. But, is this why you've been acting so weird?" You nod.

"That and I didn't think that you wanted anything to do with me."

"What in hell made you think that?"

"You did. You said it the night that you broke up with me. That among other things..." You hear him sigh.

"(Y/N), I am so sorry." You sniff, shaking your head, pulling away from him once again.

"It's not your fault. You didn't love me anymore, that's all. And I respect that, I just... I don't know."

"Don't you dare say that, of course I still love you."

"Not the way a couple should love each other. Not in the way that I want you to..." Once more, he hooked a finger underneath your chin, bringing it towards him, you being forced to look in to his eyes.

"Yes, I do. I love you, so much. So so much."

"Wha...? No, stop. Don't lie to me. I don't like liars."

"I'm not lying to you, (N/N). I really do still love you. I regretted breaking things off the minute that I did it." You take in what he says, furrowing your brows in hurt and anger.

"Then why the hell did you do it? You broke my heart, Alex! I had no idea why you did it or what I did to make you do that. All you did was shout at me, call me names. And now you expect me to just sit here and listen to you break it even more?" You angrily wipe your tears away, turning your face away from him.

"No, no, no, (Y/N). It wasn't like that."

"Okay, then tell me what it was like, tell me what I did because I sure as hell don't know."

"You didn't do a damn thing! It was me, I was the problem in the relationship. I spent to much time with the guys and not enough time with you. I hardly took you out, I... I just wasn't good enough for you." He finishes quietly, staring at the pavement on front of him. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see a tear drop from his eye. He hardly ever cries, so you knew he was being sincere.

"Did I make you think that? That you weren't good enough for me?" He turned toward you, grasping out for your hand. You didn't pull away because, in all honesty... you missed the contact.

"No, baby, no. Don't even think that."

"Then, why...?" he sighed.

"The guys made me believe it. They convinced me that you were better than me, that I wasn't the right guy for you, that once someone better came along... And the way that they'd talk about you, it was vulgar. I couldn't stand to listen to it anymore. I was angry... at them for saying all of that, at myself for believing all of it, and you for putting up with it. I took it out on you, and I'm so sorry."

"See? This is why I never talk to your friends. They are always wrong and stupid. Especially for saying all of that to you. But, you're stupid too, you know." He knew it was true, so he didn't argue.

"You're stupid for believing all of them. I could never think that about you, Alex. Look at me," he hesitantly met your eyes.

"I love you, Alex, and only you. I'm so freaking in love with you, I can't look at anybody else, even if I wanted to. You are my life, my world. That will never, ever change. You can break up with me a million times, call me every name in the book, curse my name, whatever. Deep down, I will never stop loving you. You're the love of my life, Alex. I only wish that you'd believe that...." Without hesitation, without even thinking, he crushed his lips to yours. Lips moving desperately against each other, missing the feel of the other against them.

"I love you, (Y/N). I never stopped, and I never will. I'll never let you go again. Please, give me a second chance. Please..." he whispered against your lips.

"Are you sure that this is what you want? Do you want to be in my, and the baby's, life? Truly?"

"Yes, I really, really do. Only if you'll have me."

"Okay. Okay, all is forgiven." He grinned widely, pulling you up from where you both was sitting.

"Thank you. For everything." He pulled you into a tight, but gentle, hug, rubbing your back soothingly. From a distance, you could see Zach waving at you with both hands, giving a wink and two thumbs up. He had followed you, kept an eye on you in case Alex lashed out. He was definitely your best friend. You close your eyes and rest your head into the crook of Alex's neck, inhaling his scent once again.

'Hannah, I'm so sorry. I miss you, so much. And I'm sorry for what I did to you... but it's true. You can't help who you love, and I'm not ashamed of it. He is so remorseful about what he did to you. Making that stupid list was the worst thing that he ever did, I know this for sure.

We are going to start a beautiful family, and I only hope that you can find it in your heart up there to forgive me, to forgive us. I love you, Hannah.'

Forever Tags:

@trustnobodyshootfirst, @missmalfoy1703, @16wiishes

Masterlist

#alex standall #alex standall x reader #alex standall imagines #zach dempsey #hannah baker #thirteen reasons why imagines #13rw #13 reasons why

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mean-scarlet-deceiver · 2 years ago

Note

I hope it's okay if I add some of my own headcanons onto this. Apologies if not but in my defense if you tag me in a question about Coppernob I will just explode with HCs; it's inevitable.

Absolutely agree with @tornadoyoungiron that Coppernob doesn't give a shit about railway rivalries. But here are some fun tidbits:

He doesn't give a shit about railway rivalries now. Back in his working days, he was as keen as any engine ever was about repping his company and particularly about sticking it to the dirty bastards of the LNWR. Don't let him fool you into thinking otherwise. He took a special once to Penrith (he was already at Quite a Mature Age at this point) when he realised that if he wrested control from his driver and opened his regulator he had about a 50% percent chance of killing a passenger but also a 7% chance of showing up Fuckin Cornwall and let me tell you, he struggled for several miles trying to work out the maths there.

He doesn't really care about Grouping rivalries. That said, ever since the first time he met a GWR engine (which we actually see in my fic) he's found them very off-putting. It's a cultural thing: GWR culture succeeds in making its engines very conservative and enthusiastic, and Coppernob's world-weary cynicism and growing subversive tendencies mean that he just can't connect with such gung-ho machines at all.

The exception to this finally came in the form of City of Truro. Their differences prevent them from ever exactly being besties, but they both respect each other and by now have enough history together that they are friends. Incidentally, they were both active in touring the country in '56/'57 so I believe that's when they first met. It took a much longer while before they had really developed a relationship, but they have and it became abundantly obvious that time at York the GNR No. 1 casually revealed to the two of them that one of her sisters had been in storage as a source of spare parts for her for seven decades and the boys' brains both short-circuited with horror. On that occasion, Truro (who is usually the silvertongued diplomat of the NRM gang) was rendered speechless and looked to Nobby, who at least managed to string words together. (GNR No. 1 would remain blasé about having a surviving sibling abandoned in the dark, however. Until bloody Mallard of all engines finally had a heart-to-heart with her. Long story. Anyway it was largely Truro's and Coppernob's intervention that in the end got Emily sent to Sodor.)

I also agree that Truro, while obviously very proud of his Great Western-ness, is by this point so well-travelled that he is not rigid about their way being the only good way (though it is still the best, natch. The best, but he's even come to realise that's not the same as saying it's perfect or infallible.)

Another important connection to note here is that, as I understand, news seemed to break about Truro's 100-mph run in 1908 (several years after it occurred, actually, but it had been shrouded in some secrecy). This means a couple of things. First of all, that I am absolutely sure that a young Edward and every current express engine on the FR (like every current express engine in the entire country, probably the world) was fired up with admiration and enthusiasm to see if they could somehow match it????? Spoiler alert: You cannot. Bloody well. Go 100 mph. On the Cumbrian coast line. Like even if you could physically do it it's too twisty. None of this likely stopped the Seagulls from being idiots as they fangirled Truro and all tried to play speed trials until Management figured out a way to put a stop to it. (Luckily, No One Was Hurt.) Anyway, point is that canonically Edward was bloody well excited when he got a glimpse of Truro (he whistled at me!!!!!) and there is not a chance that he would be sucked into any argument where he would have to bad-mouth him. (Even if Duck actually insulted Coppernob. Which Duck wouldn't. Respecting your elders is part of the Great Western Way. All in all, absolutely a non-issue.)

It should also be noted that in 1908 Coppernob would have only recently been taken out of store and installed at Barrow Central. Seven years of being in store, only to have to immediately bear witness to all this madness on the main line. It must have driven him bonkers, and probably did not improve his first impressions of Truro when he met him in the flesh steel. It's a testament to how remarkably level-headed and honorable Truro is that Coppernob got over this and forgave Truro for being the bloody idiot who set the rails on fire with his youthful foolishness.

Despite his own secret youthful foolishness, Coppernob is absolutely considered a force that helps to dampen some of the company rivalries that still linger at York. He sort of locked himself into this role way back in 1925, when he was sent to the Wembley Exhibition (woohoo! holiday! time to relax and get away from quarrelling young engines fussing through your station at all hours!) only to find himself sharing a Hall of Transport with, among others... Flying Scotsman and Caerphilly Castle.

Coppernob tried to hold his tongue, reckoning that after all he was just a guest there like they were, this wasn't his railway and it probably wasn't his place to keep these engines in order.

This resolution lasted almost an entire 15 minutes before he basically took Scotsman and Caerphilly over his knee and spanked both of them into shutting UP so that all the rest of them could bloody well enjoy their stay.

And Scotsman and Caerphilly did, in fact, shut up. (Mostly.)

As much as Coppernob would like to just vibe and not get dragged into the endless rounds of drama at the NRM, he kinda sealed his fate there. Scotsman to this day refers engines of his own LNER contingent who need some sense knocked into them to Nobby as his disciplinary 'heavy'.

Yknow, im curious now. Do Duck and Edward ever argue over whos a better symbol of their railways? Like.. Theyre arguing over if Coppernob or Truro is better.

No. Edward doesn't care about the rivialry between railways. He thinks it's quite pointless. Of course he's proud of being a Furness but he never brings it up.

Coppernob doesn't strike me as the kind of engine to care about it either. Coppernob is old, they come from a time well before the other railways even existed. I really love @mean-scarlet-deceiver 's version of them and so I'm kinda basing it on that. That engine doesn't give a single fuck and I love them. If Truro annoyed him about the GW way he'd probably go and tell Truro to shove it up his tender.

Truro is obviously proud of being Great Western and seems to demand the highest values of the GWR from others. In the books he's proud that Duck is teaching the other engines the GWR bit nowdays with the NRM, I don't think he'd really push it as hard anymore and respect other ways of doing things especially if the other engines got annoyed with him.

As for Duck and Edward, I honestly don't see them arguing at all. Edward tends to respect other engines way of doing things and wouldn't bad mouth Truro. Duck probably wouldn't bad mouth Coppernob either because he seems the type to respect an old engine who would probably have a legendary status amoung other engines.

#ttte headcanon #friends' headcanon #ttte coppernob #ttte city of truro #ttte duck #ttte edward #ttte flying scotsman #ttte mallard #ttte emily #ttte gnr no. 1 #nrm engines #ahitn #chatter #currently revising my hcs about mallard and patricia (my name for gnr no. 1) to incorporate Wine Aunt Mallard and see how it plays out

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