#&. lcvb1tes ( hawk )

[livedtough]

@lcvb1tes (🏛️)

When they were alone, he was close, not quite touching, but closer than he should be. It was a risk, he knew, but something was wrong, and he couldn't have that, could he? Everything had to be ship shape, right? So he'd hidden them away, and he was doing the stupid thing of making sure that Manny was feeling well. He'd been off. "Manny," he repeated, reaching out, fingers brushing the other man's arm. But then they weren't alone, and Hawk stepped back, hands dropping to his side, one moving to his pocket, the very picture of casual, manly discussion. "Mr. Kingsley. Sorry to hear that."

[livedtough]

He knew, of course, what he had to do. He would stay if Manny wanted him to, but he understood that he was asking for more than that. He looked at him, small and shivering and dying, and he sighed. Then he looked towards the door. Anyone could come in at any time. He knew that. He knew it, and he hated it, and he hated the way that it made him feel. He hated how much it scared him. But Manny reached out for his hand, skin and bones and cold, and he understood that he didn't have a choice. He never had a choice. "Come on," he said softly as he bent, gently moving an arm under Manny to move him out of the center of the bed, "I've got you." He moved into the bed, then, careful not to jostle the other man too much as he did, putting his arms around him and holding him close. "I'm right here."

the blankets helped just a little and he felt some of his shivering cease, but it wasn't enough. he knew what he needed but he wasn't sure if hawk would go for it. not when they were relativity in public where anyone could see them together. "n-no, just stay." he murmured, looking up at the older man whom he wanted to be there with him in bed. he needed comfort and reassurance that he wasn't going to suffer alone. "okay." he all but whispered before bringing a hand out from under the blankets to take hawk's. the warmth of his hand feeling just as comforting as it always did when he needed it the most and this was one of those times when he knew he was getting worse and there was nothing that anyone could properly do to make it all go away. "please..stay with me. i-i...i don't want t-to be alone."

[livedtough]

@lcvb1tes (🏛️)

"I get it," he said, pressing a kiss to Tim's lips before rolling off of him, though not leaving the bed. He remained next to him, comfortable with his proximity. "It's a school night." Honestly, Hawk should be getting to bed soon enough, too, but he probably wouldn't. He might not go back out, not at this hour, but he'd find something to fill some time with. Then he sighed. "Besides, you're right. They're getting worse. Everything's getting worse, Skippy." He wasn't trying to scare the younger man, but was only sharing what he'd found, what he'd seen. He might be scared, if he were the sort to let that happen. He wasn't, though. Anyway, he had his man on the inside, right? Maybe they could fix a few things together.

[livedtough]

@lcvb1tes (🏛️)

Was it bad? Yes, of course it was. It may not have been the worst thing ever, but it was so bad because Hawk had already experienced the worst thing ever. He supposed Bobby had as well, but where it may have made him want to open himself up, it had made Hawk close himself off. Yes, there had been sex, there had been boys and bars, but there had been no company. He wanted to be held, but every touch set his nerves alight. He was already tired of fighting with Bobby, of his insistence that he be a part of his life, but at the same time it was the closest he'd come to another person aside from Emma and Caleb since Manny died, and there was a part of him that craved it. It would have been easier just to sleep with him, to do that and move on, but that wasn't what Bobby wanted. He wanted friendship, and Hawk didn't know what to do with that. "You're a psychologist because you insist on psychoanalyzing me. So thank you, Dr. Freud, but before you ask, no, I never wanted to fuck my mother." He sighed. he didn't want to answer his questions. "I never asked you to care about me, and Manny shouldn't have either. That's the only reason you're here, isn't it? If he hadn't asked you would have left by now. Either that, or you're crazier than you look."

[livedtough]

@lcvb1tes (🏛)

This was all so utterly terrifying. From the warmth he felt upon seeing Manny curled up with his book to the fear that had been nestled in his chest since he first heard that fucking word from the doctor, Hawk lived in a state of uneasiness now. Which wasn't to say he didn't want to be here, because he did, he really, really did. He just didn't know how to handle any of it. So he didn't. He didn't handle. He just did. And that involved taking a blanket out to Manny as he checked on him, because he needed to stay warm, and he needed to stay safe. He leaned down to kiss Manny's head, a hand squeezing the back of his neck, before he sat down next to him. (What if someone saw? Who the hell was he, kissing him on the porch? No, there was no one around. No one could see.) "What are you reading?"

[livedtough]

Maybe the touch was to stop him from worrying, to soften the blow of what was really just another way to make fun of him. Or maybe he just liked to have his hands on him, was simply constantly craving the touch of another man. Of this man in particular, these days. "Yes, and yes, if you must know."

he looked a little offended when hawk spoke, though he wasn't nearly as offended when the man touched him as if that was being done to somehow stop tim from thinking about what was being said. it didn't fully work and he sighed, looking at the man with confusion in his dark eyes. "and how do i make it easy, hawk? because i happen to be an idealist? or is this because of the fact that i go to church?"

[livedtough]

@lcvb1tes (🏛)

Hawk lay on his back, catching his breath. He knew what he liked, knew what he was like, but he had to say he’d impressed himself, even for him. Manny had impressed him, too, making the whole thing a particularly hard, and a particularly good, fuck. He didn’t know just how many men he’d slept with, and he didn’t care to know the number, but none of them had made him come back like Manny.

He looked at the younger man as he turned to him, after he spoke to him, pleased to see that he was recuperating well. He might get rough, but he didn’t actually want to hurt him. He needed him in one piece for next time, right? (The fact that there would be a next time being entirely unheard of by Hawk.) He reached out to put a hand in his arm, his touch possessive, yes, but not suggestive. He had never really cared much for aftercare. Sure, he made sure everyone was clean, and he was always good for a cigarette or a drink, but he mostly left the other to take care of himself. There was something different about Manny, though. Maybe it was his youth—though Hawk’s tastes tended to skew towards younger men—or his innocence, but either way he found himself wanting to care for him. Even if all he did was ask a question and put a hand on his arm.

He laughed softly as he spoke, pleased with the response and with himself. He was glad he was okay, that he hadn't gone too far, but he was glad, too, for the praise. Not that Hawk needed praise--he was confident enough not to need it--but he was pleased with himself ether way. "I'll just have to carry you around. I'm sure no one would mind if we came into the office like that."

[livedtough]

He was goddamn right his reputation was more important. It was more important than Hawk's feelings, and it was certainly more important than Manny's feelings. But maybe his reputation wasn't at risk right now. He was in the middle of a crowded bar, where the only reason anyone was looking at him was because of the man causing a scene at his table. No one knew him. But they damn well might if Manny continued the way he was. But no, he wasn't that sort of person. He was a good man, unlike Hawk. He wouldn't ruin someone's reputation, unlike Hawk. But Manny didn't have to worry. His reputation was safe.

Then Manny turned away, and he knew, of course that he had made a mistake. He should have been clearer with what he meant. He shouldn't have lost himself in his temper. He was frustrated, and nothing would change that, but he also didn't want Manny storming off in his state. The boy was likely to get himself hurt, or worse, picked up. (Of course, understanding just what he was saying was becoming difficult, but he wasn't completely unintelligible. At least not yet.)

"I didn't say that." He could offer that much, as an olive branch. "I know what I did, Manny. But I never forced you to stay. If you don't like the way I treat you, you're welcome to find someone else. Yeah, you should have, but you're here anyway." But he didn't really want another boy. He wanted Manny. He liked Manny, and he didn't like just anyone. Manny actually began to walk away, though, and Hawk found himself following him, reaching after him. "Hold on there, loverboy. I'm not letting you go home alone like this. I know you're mad at me, but at least let me drive you home."

"sure y' are." he had more than enough reason not to believe the man, or at least that's what he believed in his drunken state that wasn't getting any better now that he finished his drink. "i-i won't...b'cause i know..your 'ept'ation is 'mportant and i-i don't..i'm not that kind of..'erson." he wondered if the man even knew what he was trying to say or if he even cared, but somehow it didn't matter when manny was so determined to speak in his slurred speech.

that is, until he heard what was said next and he fell silent except for a scoff as he turned away and leaned his arms on the bar to keep from falling over. maybe this was a mistake and he wasn't just talking about going to the bar with him. maybe everything they were doing together was a mistake and he never should have let hawk into his apartment the first night when he came by and this whole mess started. "so...y' feel n'thing for me." it wasn't a question and instead a statement as he turned back to the man as he heard emotions filling his voice. as if things weren't already so bad, now he was fucking getting emotional like a goddamn baby.

"but..y-you 'pproached me first. you...you started this, hawk. y-you got me 'nvolved with you and..y-you jus..you don't give a shit 'bout me. all..y-you care about..is what you want. i...i should've known..y-you were..trouble wh-when i met you." he had to pause to compose himself and discreetly wipe away any tears before looking back at the man whom he had no desire to be around anymore. "d'nt worry. i-i don't need t' continue this. you can just..just find 'nother boy t- to fuck and i hope he's..more suitable to your needs." that was when he began to stumble out of the bar, not caring about his state or how evident it was that he was drunk as he just wanted to get home and be alone where he could be upset and sober up in peace.

[livedtough]

"Something like that," he agreed with a small laugh, feeling a gentle rush of fondness for the man beside him. Really, it didn't bother him whether there wasn't some grand story, but he did feel a sort of letdown. He'd survive, though. He'd survive on the way he looked at him, the way that he teased him. That was certainly worth more than an interesting story, right? Even if he wasn't exactly eager to accept the way he made him feel.

He looked at him, enjoying the way he leaned into him. Hawk wasn't necessarily an affectionate sort of man, but at the same time, he was quick to touch, to kiss. He didn't think too much about that, and that remained as he idly ran his hand through Manny's hair, playing with it. "It's not stupid," he said, probably softer than he would for anyone else. The fact that he said it all was reserved only for him. "You never would have been teased if you went to school with a Hawkins. Luckily, people liked me, so it didn't matter." He didn't mean to imply that Manny wasn't liked, but only that he'd been lucky.

he could almost tell that hawk was expecting more of a story behind his name and it brought a hint of amusement in his dark eyes that couldn't leave the sight of the older man beside him. it was insane to think such a handsome man wanted someone like him who was so naive and innocent, not someone as successful as hawkins fuller was. it didn't make any sense to the young assistant, but maybe he should just focus on the fact that he was even seen at all and given a chance in the first place.

"were you hoping for some big exciting story like my uncle was named emanuel, and he was the family hero whose life was just so epic that my parents had to name me after him because it'd be a dishonor to his memory not to?" a quiet laugh and he leaned into the touch with a hum. "i always hated the name growing up and i wished for a better one because with manny being what i wanted people to call me, they'd just mock me for having this big name. honestly, i like it a little better when you say it. it doesn't sound so stupid."

[livedtough]

In hindsight, he supposed he should have called. He should have let Jackson know that they would be home earlier than anticipated. But why would he? It was just him and Kimberly at home, and, hell, half of him expected that they'd get home to an empty house, anyway. The kids had a way of drifting to friends' houses when he and Lucy left town, which was fine with him. He trusted them. So when he checked Kimberly's room and found her gone, he didn't think anything of it. He didn't need to check Jackson's, as he heard the radio from the other side of the door, but he opened the door anyway, with the intention of letting him know that they were home. When would he learn, some vague thought suggested, to stop making the mistakes of his father? When would he learn to knock? "We were. We came home early." He paused, and he sighed. "What the hell are you doing, Jackson?"

@livedtough ( jackson / hawk )

he should have known that smoking weed in his room was a stupid idea while writing in his journal that contained all his poetry, but he didn't care about being caught or that his room would smell bad when done. his parents were gone anyway and so was kimberly, or at least he thought everyone was gone. all that he could hear was whatever radio station he was listening to and that was all that mattered to him. that was until the door opened and he looked up, joint in hand that stayed there when realizing his father had caught him. "i thought you were out." he said while closing his notebook as if the sight of him smoking wasn't something to be concerned about.

[livedtough]

"That boy doesn't come out of his room for anything." It should bother him, he supposed, and it did, but he was starting to feel that any moment he and Jackson weren't yelling at each other was a moment that wasn't worth being upset over. That was what bothered him more than anything, the fact that that was true. He'd give just about anything to have a decent relationship with his son, but every effort he put in was stopped, either by Hawk himself or Jackson and the temper he had inherited from him. He smiled faintly as Lucy kissed him, trying to push those thoughts aside. "I'll check on him in a little while. He's probably spent the day wishing he didn't have a father." He didn't say it with an intention of being self-pitying, but only as a fact. If anything, it was meant as a joke.

@livedtough ( lucy and hawk )

"i hope jackson came out of his room to say happy father's day to you today." of course she had gone in to see the young boy and tried to get him to leave his comics and see his father since it was a big day, but she didn't have much faith that jackson would actually join the rest of the family. she only hoped that he did at some point and she wouldn't find jackson still hiding away in his bedroom. right now she focused on her husband whose cheek she pressed a kiss to before speaking again. "i just hope he didn't decide to go back to sleep again because it's getting late and he can't be lazing in bed all day."

[livedtough]

He was unimpressed by his answer, by his thanks, and certainly by his insistence that he wasn't being analyzed. Of course he was. Or maybe he wasn't, but it sure as hell felt like it. He hated the way his eyes scanned him, looking for a fault, for any gap to squeeze into. He didn't want to be a nightmare, would agree that perhaps that was a bit severe, but he was trying to get his own damn life under control and he couldn't stand having Bobby trying to take care of him. Perhaps he was acting like a child because he felt like he was being treated like one, like one of the other man's patients.

He was trying to fight back, though, and Hawk supposed he could respect that. "I don't want you to play caretaker. I don't know what Manny told you, but I never needed someone to take care of me." Part of him was almost hurt, if that was what Manny had told him, but he pushed that away. He couldn't be mad at a dead man. He wanted to ask, to pry, to figure out what had been said, but didn't figure that now was the time. Bobby's offense grew, and Hawk sighed. "That's me," he said. "A nice fucking person. But that's the thing, Bob. You might not be crazy, but I'm not looking to be at the receiving end of your complexes. Manny didn't try to fix me. You don't seem to be able to get enough of it."

"i am not psychoanalyzing you but thank you for informing me about that because at least i don't have to worry about that sort of thing happening." he didn't care if he was being sarcastic or not at this point with how frustrated he was with this whole situation. he thought that by befriending hawk, it would be easy to just be there for him as manny asked him to, but this was becoming more of a nightmare than anything else. it felt like he was dealing with a stubborn child who just kept pushing him away which seemed to work at times, but then other times he was just as stubborn about not backing down.

"well he did and trust me, if i knew what you were really like, i never would have agreed. i would have said 'no, i'm sorry manny. i can't actually play caretaker to this man because caring means i'm a fucking psychologist who just wants to do what my friend asked me to." a look of offense crossed his features and he scoffed, moving to lean his back against the railing of the porch while wishing he could just have a drink despite him trying not to drink so much anymore. "right, i'm crazy. that's..really nice of you to say, hawk. it's really nice that you think i'm crazy just because i happen to be a good person. i can't imagine you would have thought the same about manny because he was good too, right? or was he just crazy too?"

[livedtough]

He was comfortable besides him, lying on his side, a hand resting on the other man's stomach. There was nothing wanting in it, nothing sexual, but only a touch to comfort them both, a comfort as something to do with his hands. He'd accepted that there would be no more tonight, especially now that the conversation was taking a darker turn, but a touch was pleasant. His eyebrows furrowed, and he gently ran his hand across his stomach. "I don't know," he answered, more or less truthfully. He had some ideas, but none of them were good, and he didn't want to worry the boy. He didn't deserve that, didn't need to worry about what might or might not happen. That was Hawk's job not his. It was his job to protect him, right? "But you don't need to worry about that. Whatever happens..." He let that fade. It was fine to think it, but he wasn't eager to say it. "Goodness will prevail, right?" There, that was better, with an ounce of sarcasm put on for good measure.

as much as he wished he could just forget about work and have sex with hawk, he knew it was better to just stay focused and have an early night so he could properly tend to his duties the next day. the last thing he wanted to do was come off as distracted and give the senator a reason to reprimand him. the kiss felt nice and he turned to face the man while still laying on his back, his carefree attitude from before lessening a bit as hawk spoke. "what's going to happen?" he asked as if hawk would have all the answers because he certainly didn't, not as a mere assistant who wasn't like hawkins fuller who had a better job and was at a higher rank than he was. all he knew was the bits and pieces he could pick up on from what he'd hear during his shifts and what hawk told him. otherwise, he was completely in the dark and he really didn't like it sometimes.

[livedtough]

"Fine. I'm sorry." The words were cold, without any emotion, and it should be clear even to Manny in his inebriated state that he didn't mean them. He watched Manny as he finished his drink, and he wondered why the hell he insisted on drinking if he couldn't stand the shit. Why did anyone, though, he supposed. No one drank because they enjoyed it. Hawk certainly didn't enjoy it as he took a sip of his own drink. Not the taste, anyway. He did enjoy the warmth that spread through him, the tingling in his blood. "No, you won't." Of that much, he was sure. If anything happened that put his reputation on the line, then he would leave. It would be as simple as that. Despite any fondness he held for the boy, he would be gone without a second thought, without a single look back.

"Christ, Manny. Whatever I feel doesn't have anything to do with you." Which wasn't exactly what he meant. What he meant to say was that he didn't care that Manny was the way he was. He wasn't ashamed of him, and he didn't wish he was different. But that wasn't what he said, and he didn't regret any confusion. He may not have meant what he said any more than he said what he meant, but there was certainly nothing wrong with keeping him at arm's length when he was like this, was there? "I forced you? I never forced you to do anything." Not necessarily true, but true enough for his purposes. "This is all we can be. We can drink, and we can fuck, but there is no happy together. The sooner you learn that, the easier things will be for us both."

"yeah, i want..you to 'poligize. i am 'laxed, hawk." a scoff and he reached for the remainder of his drink that he downed despite the horrible taste that made him grimace before setting the glass down. "i'm not causing..a s-scene, don't worry. i..i won't ruin your..r-reputation." hawk was right in the fact that he wasn't keeping manny there and the young assistant knew this, but something kept him there with the older man. maybe it was the fact that he actually acknowledged manny as something more than just a stupid assistant who didn't know a thing about the field he found himself in. or maybe he just fooled himself into thinking he might somehow find love despite everything that kept happening between them.

"you're 'shamed of me. ju-jus..admit it. you wish..y-you wish i was different." he said bitterly with a shaky breath which he hoped wasn't heard by the older man as he didn't want to get emotional like this in public. not when it would just add to his assumption that hawk wanted him to be different and perhaps better. "y-you forced me..t-to like you b-because..y-you came into my...my life..and y-you..i let myself..t-think you..were g-good. i-we c-could be..happy t'gether, hawk. but...i'm..j-just..i'm being stupid, right? is..is that all i am?"

[livedtough]

He wanted to press, wanted to ask more, but he didn't dare bring any more attention to them than there already was. He wanted to touch him again, wanted to comfort him, but he couldn't. He didn't respond, but only nodded, back straight, hand still in his pocket, his other hand running over his hair--not through, but over. He wouldn't dare muss his hair here. He had to go soon, and Hawk didn't like that, but it was understandable. They both had to return soon. "So do I," he agreed. He gave a small nod to those passing him, and a small, pursed-lipped smile. They were only men, only talking. Then his attention returned to Manny. He could hear the bite in his tone, but he ignored it. "I'll find you."

"i appreciate the concern, but i'm perfectly alright." he hated the way hawk's hand moved away from him just because someone was nearby and he was sure it showed in the way he stepped back as if being too close would make it evident that he and hawk were..something. note quite boyfriends, but perhaps not entirely lovers. because anything more than two men who fucked was just a fantasy which frustrated manny who wanted love in the ways that any other person would. "i have to get back to work soon." he paused for the people to pass them and he turned back to hawk, speaking once more in a quieter tone. "i imagine you want to come over later, right? or should i come over to see you?"

[livedtough]

Tim deepened the kiss, and Hawk tugged his tie. He would get it off, certainly, would toss it to the floor with the rest of his clothes, but for the time being he was content to kiss him. He liked kissing him. The hand on his hip raised to the back of his head, to press him closer. He made such a nice noise against his lips, and Hawk rewarded it by backing him into the nearest wall, pressing his knee between his legs. His intentions were certainly clear by now, and after a moment he let go of Tim's tie to tug at it again, this time to undo it. As he did, and as his hands then moved to beginning to undo his shirt, Hawk pulled away from the kiss to press his lips to the other man's neck. He let out a soft sound as he did, somewhere between a hum and a grunt, possessive and needy.

while he was at times a stubborn catholic boy who would question and even defy hawk, he had his moments of being good and right now, he wanted nothing more than to kiss the man. right now he didn't care about whether he was dammed to hell or not when it felt so good to have hawk's lips against his, and the man's body against his just made it that much better. he let out a hum as he deepened the kiss, compelled by the way hawk's fingers tugged him closer by his tie that he wanted to have removed with the rest of his clothes. only hawkins fuller could make tim this needy and he loved it, regardless of what might happen to him for going after what he wanted and going against his faith that only left him with more conflict since getting involved with the man whose touch only made him emit a new noise of need.