#&&verse: stare into the void until the void stares back

[evcryopeneye]

@nebulaties​ asked: ❛ can’t sleep? ❜ Ed to tilly 

Being this awake at this hour should be illegal. Exhausted, and yet unable to sleep, she looked up from the padd with a slow blink, watched him for a moment before she nodded her head, “I just keep waking up every half an hour.” Eventually she had just given up, there was no point rolling around in bed trying to get to sleep and staring at walls when she could get up and get something constructive done, or at least, do something that wasn’t just waiting for the sun to come up.

Blinking, dry eyes stung a little as she tried to take a deep breath. “I think it’s just jetlag.” She thought it would make sense, between taking forever to get here, and the long delay they’d face at the space port, she’d arrived much later, and much more over tired than she had wanted.

Sitting the padd down on the arm of the couch, she shifted, pulling her legs towards herself along with the blanket, making room for him if he wished to join her. Though, it was with the caveat that, “if you can sleep you should go back to bed, there's no point in both of us being an exhausted mess.”

Well, what could she say, she was an exhausted mess and she knew it. Limbs ached. Brain ached. Limbs were heavy. If she could sleep for the next three days she would, but apparently, being frustrated with yourself about your inability to sleep just made it harder to sleep.

[evcryopeneye]

@nebulaties​ asked: ❛  don’t you believe me?  ❜ Ed to tilly 

She didn’t.

Yet it wasn’t the answer she could give, was it?

Ok that wasn’t entirely the truth. She did believe him. She believed that he meant it, all of his actions told her that. Yet, it was as if at any moment she was waiting for the penny to drop, for him to realise the mistake that he had made, that he shouldn’t have stayed, that she wasn’t worth it, that there was truth to the things that people said.

It occurred to her, that she’d been silent for what felt like forever. That in itself was a glaring neon sign that something was wrong. Gone were the rambling string of thoughts that usually escaped her when she was thrown off her game. Replaced with a silence as she Tilly realised there was no good way to answer his question. I she said ‘I believe you’ she lied by omission and caveat. If she agreed and said she didn’t well she was a horrible fucking person.

There was no winning here. This was a no win scenario. Yet somehow, despite all the intelligence in that brain of hers, it had never occurred to her that love wasn’t something you win and then it was over and you existed in this singular state for the rest of your lives. It was a process, it was forever evolving, having to be worked at, having to compromise, overcome problems, it was…much more complex than she had ever really thought.

Green eyes glanced away, flickering across the wall as she tried to keep herself calm, “I mean…” great, great start, just, fantastic. “What am I meant to think? That somehow just. This…” That they had this life now. That they were…here. It seemed to boggle her own mind. A shaking breath, swallowing the lump in her throat as she attempted to make her point without absolutely tanking it. “It’s as if…I’m waiting at any moment for the gotcha. As if, how could I be so fucking stupid to think that this….is for me?”

There was something about love, when you had gone most of your experiencing a version of it based on gaslighting and control. That it left out uncomfortable and frightening at times. That was the thing about love, it was frightening at times, it held the capacity to wound, to trust someone so deeply was to hand then the ability to destroy you. “I believe you, I do, I just don’t trust the universe not to slap the shit out of me right now.”

[evcryopeneye]

@nebulaties​​ asked: ❝  i’m going to tell you this,  once,  because i think you need to hear it.  you deserve more.  you should expect more from the world and put in the work to get what you deserve.  ❞ Ed to tilly 

Tilly found herself stunned.

She wasn’t sure what to say to that. What did you say? She’d always carried the idea that she shouldn’t expect anything from the world. After all, she was just a person, just one person in the vastness of the universe. While Tilly would admit that maybe she was smart, that just lead her to solidify her idea that the universe would tick on without her. If anything happened, then the universe would not shrug upon her passing. Some people might be upset but in the grand scheme of thing, the universe wouldn’t care much.

While that seemed morbid, Tilly simply considered it truth. Uncomfortable but truth none the less.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Tilly glanced away. She didn’t much like that idea being contradicted, let alone know how to deal with it. The idea that she deserved things was uncomfortable, mostly because she didn’t want for much. She’d achieved most of the things she had wanted in life, and then some.

A simple shrug of her shoulders. The silence said volumes.

“I have everything I could ever want.” She finally replied. “I’m content.” The idea of climbing further up the ladder didn’t appeal to her much now, she’d set out, wanting to be a captain and here she was, with command of a ship. She’d achieved it.

“I…” Tilly began, unsure how to phrase this. “I fought to get here, when I joined Starfleet I was a joke, my first ship the Captain told me to my face I wasn’t suited for Starfleet.” Tilly had fought against that judgement for a long time. Everyone in her life had told her not to enlist, tried to talk her out of it. She remembered the fit her mother had. The way her father had just quietly faded into the background. Distancing himself. That one had stung.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​ asked: “i know it’s not perfect, but i did follow the recipe this time.”

How cute.

She couldn’t help but smile.

To look down at the dish that was…well it was an attempt. Frankly, Tilly was a little surprised that he kept trying to put the effort in. If it had been anyone else, they would have just tried to replicate it. Maybe he should have.

Reaching out for him, her arm slide around his waist, tucking herself into his side as she attempted to find a diplomatic way of saying what she thought. “Well, you certainly tried.” She hoped that the tone would say it all, she was touched, really she was…though she was preparing herself for it to taste well.

They would see.

“You know, I can never fault you on how much effort you put into things.” He always tried. It was one of the things that Tilly admired about Ed, nothing was half arsed, if he was going to attempt something it got his full attention. “We should have dinner outside, the weathers still nice.” It was meant to be the last day for a while, “even if its getting chilly.” Autumn had swept through, the hillsides were a stunning mix of red fire as leaves changed colour, peppered with the bright green of evergreen trees that wouldn’t lose their colour, even as winter threatened.

Soon the hills would be covered in snow. Funny how they disappeared off into deep space on missions and here, the seasons marched on.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​ asked: “ i know it’s late, but i just needed someone and. i guess you always answer when i call. ”

A soft smile.

“I’ll always pick up when you call.” That was a promise. She was always going to be on the other end of the line for him. A soft sigh left Tilly, she reached for her drink, there was nothing wrong with a glass of wine or two at the end of the day as she attempted to wind up the last of the admin work she had to get done tonight. If anything, she hadn’t been ready for the amount of paperwork that she would be expected to do upon promotion. At least though, she could foist some of that off on her first officer. Tilly did not miss overseeing staff rotas.

A sip of her wine, she leaned back, “hows your day been?” Theirs had been pretty uneventful. Mostly full of typical shift work. Trying to juggle moving two ensigns who had a falling out onto opposing shifts so they didn’t have to deal with each other. Really, she was much more accommodating than other captains would have been in that situation.

“It’s really do the ship at this time of night, it’s so quiet,” it was as if the kids were in bed and Tilly was trying to stem the flow of anything that would wake them up. Mostly because she really didn’t feel like a red alert right now either. It was a long warp back to starbase, one that they all could use. “We’re not far out, we’re due to arrive at the starbase by morning so I can meet you for breakfast. Do they still have that cute little cafe by the observation deck?”

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​ asked: “  yes.  i am telling you what to do.  i’m telling you not to pull something like that again because—  ‘cause fucking hell.  i care about you.  okay? ”

Tilly found herself stunned.

What was she meant to say to that? Sure the whole thing had been a close call but it wasn’t like Tilly was a stranger to danger. That was part of the job right? Frankly if anything she thought that Starfleet was a little too doom and gloom sometimes. Things weren’t nearly as dangerous as they made out to be…welll…most of the time.

It was the first time she could recall that a fellow captain had called her out on it though. Blinking, she stared at him, trying to figure out exactly why he was so emotional about this whole ordeal. He cared, of course, why would he not, they were friends, right?

“Ed,” his name left her lips, not his rank. She thought about making a bunch of excuses for herself. That she’d done something reckless because she had cared about the crew, that she had truly wanted to help…when in reality she’d done it because it was the only option they’d had. Tilly had found herself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and made a judgement call. “What else should I have done? If I didn’t do it, people were in danger, I don’t feel like I had much choice in the matter.”

Reaching for him both of her hands came to rest on his shoulders. “I’m sorry.” The apology was heartfelt, even if she looked a little crestfallen. Maybe they just took more risks here than they were used to back in his home universe? Her hands dropped to her side, “I should have spoken to you first,” instead she had jumped, working alongside other ships weren’t so unheard of in Starfleet but not like this. “We’re usually away in deep space by ourselves, you don’t really have anyone to….factor in.” That must have sounded harsh right? Or maybe sad? That was the nature of deep space exploration.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ gets a starter

“You know, I think they’ll fit in the Federation just fine. You know their engineers instead of building a refined warp drive strapped two of them together to see if they would go twice as fast.”

[evcryopeneye]

🎶

@ukapteni

Jack's Mannequin - Casting Lines All the time I kept score I never grasped what love was for, you always gave me what I need. To know it’s true and still I strive to break the bonds and raise the sky. You tear the soil from the sea. Who I am to argue fate and who are you to walk away? I’m standing here with nothing left to prove, we’re still coming home. A thread through the unknown. All the lines we cast into forever got tangled like some wreckage in the road. A road we walked alone but all the time that’s passed will bring us home. It’s a long way but I’m coming home to you. 

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: ♫

Arkadia - BABYMETAL  Faster than light, stronger than steel, on a missionary path. Even if a certain amount of darkness covers it up. Lets go through what we believe is the right path. For your dreams, for your faith, for your life. The song of the ages has started moving, it reverberates in a dream. Now, no more tears, no more pain, no more cries. To that land of oath, to a far away place, lets go to the glittering light of Arkadia.

Night Sky - CHVRCHES I will carry you and give you life, I will cover you and show you the way. It’s a sequence that you never learned, it’s a lesson I can never forget. I can hear you in the overtones, just an echo of the promise we made. Change the future we can travel time or make us blind so we can never look back. We can never look back. I’m a night sky, I’m the fire in your eyes, and I want you now and for all time. I’m the cold heart, I’m the secret that you like.

Casting Line - Jack’s Mannequin You learn to walk, you learn to race through life this unforgiving pace, these lines are chasing the truth. Stepping over endless cracks I navigate these crooked paths, but all my roads lead back to you. Who are we to argue fate? Who is time to make us wait? I’m standing here with nothing left to prove. We’re still coming home, red thread through the unknown, all the lines we cast into forever are tangled like some wreckage in the road, the road we walked alone. All the time that’s past tied us together, and all the lines we cast will bring us home!

Life in a Beautiful Light - Amy Macdonald How do I know when I’ve found my one and only and these days have set the night, how do I know you love me as much as I love you How do you know when your life is complete? When the butterflies in your stomach sweep you off your feet. The stars in my eyes well they twinkle when they see your face, and the butterflies keep flying, flying all over the place. The dark and grey well it fits with the black and white, all I see if life, life in a beautiful light.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie Love of mine, some day you will die but I will be close behind, I’ll follow you into the dark. No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white. Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide that they are both satisfied, illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs, if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks. Then I’ll follow you into the dark.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: ❝ you’re my person.  you’re beyond special to me. ❞

He was her special person. Yet. Even that way of putting things felt understated. Instead of words, her finger hooked under his hand, gently she turned it over, laced her fingers between his and sank into the quiet. Evenings like this, they were the moments she lived for. Exploring space was great. It was frankly, freaking incredible, but moments of solace and home, with her favorite person.

They were what she lived for. Quite literally. When she shit was hitting the fan, he got her through it. The idea that she could have ever found a relationship like this, had never even entered her mind. Really, she had maybe expected to spend her life alone...instead she had found him. 

Or rather, stumbled upon, maybe that was a more adept description.

Closing her eyes, she found herself in silence, listening to him, to the heart in his chest beating. There was something about the regular double thump that made her relax, so much so she almost felt like she was floating in this strange space. Somewhere between sleep and being wide awake. Dozing, and the only sound that she could hear was him.

Slowly, she opened her eyes, a blink, she didn’t take her eyes off the window, from the rolling mountains of their rural home clad in darkness. The misty and cloudy sky blocked the usually glorious view of the moons and planets in the sky. Of the ring of dust that shimmered in the sky regardless of the presence of the sun or not. This was, about as close to heaven as Tilly thought it was possible to get. It was because of him. All of this gloriousness…seemed completely and utterly useless without him. Without him, it was a backdrop, a canvas, upon which there was nothing substantial.

“I can hear your heartbeat…” her statement is a whisper. Scared that if she broke the silence too much, the sound would disappear. That they would mask the sound and that comforting beat would be inaudible.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: ❛   forgive me, for all the things i did. but mostly the things i didn’t do.  ❜  

A heart lept in her chest,  Tilly couldn’t even begin to formulate the words to convey the ideas that she felt. There was no way in which he had failed her. She couldn’t think of a single moment where he had done so. Tilting her head to the side, she watched him for a moment. Carefully. Closely. The man that she loved in ways that she couldn’t describe. A love that made the universe seem small and insignificant. “Ed, listen to me.” A quite, but confident statement, designed to catch his attention. “You have never disappointed me, or failed me, or let me down, in any way.” She meant it. Every single word.

Her heart hurt at the idea that the thought had even crossed his mind.

“Please, understand…” she guessed she would never know how much he believed what she was going to tell him. “That I love you.” She meant it. “I love you…all of you…all of the quirks, and the annoying way you put glasses down on the counter. All of it.” He was perfect, at least perfect for her. Tilly couldn’t explain that. Most of the time, it felt like language wasn’t strong enough to convey the feelings that sat in her chest.

Tilly, after all, had been a fire since the moment she was born, full of life and passion. Closing her eyes for a moment, she thought about them. About the moment that she had fallen in love with him, about the times she had seen him stand up for his crew, protect people, even if it put himself in danger. “I do not…have the words to describe how I feel.” It frustrated her more than anything else. “I am not…good with these kinds of conversations. It always feels like…” her voice drifted off, trying to slot words into the right order. “I can not find the right strength in words…to match how I feel.” Closing her eyes for a moment, she sat there, slowly knitting together thoughts.

“You have done nothing that requires forgiveness, even if you had, I would forgive you.” He could do no wrong in her eyes. “You are one of the most impressive people I have ever met. I am constantly in awe, of your ability to Captain a ship, if the choices you make, even the hard ones, of the way that all of those decisions are made for the right reasons.” He was ethical, deeply so, soft and warm, a believer in the same ideals as herself.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: PUNCH

It wasn’t the family reunion she had been expecting. Frankly. Tilly didn’t think this was going to last long enough for her father to get here. There was something about being older that made her think that they should burry the hatchet. Really. It had just made her more susceptible to her mothers bullshit. It wasn’t like she wanted to explain to Ed why she ignored her mother, the first two calls she’d had an excuse for missing, by the time it got to the third one, she had been running out. Yet. Her mothers calmness had thrown her.

She had been willing to give her a chance.

A mistake.

It had taken less than four hours for things to slide. Tilly was unimpressed, it had all started out well. A oddly cold greeting between mother and daughter, and the atmosphere had slowly slid down hill after. Tilly wasn’t up for having an argument in front of her partner. Instead, it had been done in hushed tones and snapping side conversations. Until it couldn’t be anymore. “Oh, that’s why you did all this,” she should have known it was for a selfish reason. Should have known. Tilly was kicking herself, how could she have even bought into this? Reality of the situation was that this was a political maneuver. Feelers out before she really considered a run for the Federation senate. Of course. Her mother had always had lofty presidential ambitions, and Tilly had gotten in the way of it when she was younger. There was no way that she was going to be allowed to again.

Frankly, the idea that the casual person would put the two of them together as mother and daughter was slim. Her mother was the traditional picture perfect women, slim, attractive, bright blonde hair…and she’d had a child much younger than she had been planning to. Of course, her step father had provided her with a much more photogenic, better behaved, child. Tilly couldn’t give a flying fuck. An all out argument had broken out, honestly, for Tilly at least, it was a bit of a blur, “that’s rich.” A scoff. “You never gave a shit about anyone but yourself, we haven’t spoken in literally years and you just want to check I’m not going to embarrass you doing your campaign?” Maybe this was what she would have needed to do just that. As it had snowballed, Tillys ire had been drawn by security. Of course she’d brought her security. Jesus Christ on a bike. “Don’t touch me.” It’s a warning, a deadly one, Tilly with how foul of a mood she was in wouldn’t have thought twice about punching him in the face but it appears she didn’t need to.

The moment the punch had landed, the room went silent. Eerily so. Green eyes flickered between security, and her partner. Really she had not expected that.

Tilly blinked. Unsure what to say or do now...safe to say the party was over.

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: “That is hideous.”

This was bad. It was bad full stop. Fair enough, it was moonshine someone had smuggled on board and she had confiscated, but still. Grim. “Yeah, I swear it tasted better back in my day.” Yet, she wasn’t about to let poured alcohol go to waste, she knocked back the shot and ten screwed her eyes closed. Oh god. It felt like drinking paint stripper. With a heavy heart she picked the bottle up, pulled the stopper out, and without ceremony dumped the liquid down the sink. “Farewell, for you were robbed of your potential by an unskilled brewer.” A pity. For a moment she seriously considered dumping (not) Lt Commander Raleigh's moonshine protocol. 

“You can’t get the rule breakers now like you did before.” She often wondered if the crew were just breaking every rule behind her back, or if they were better behaved than they all had been. “I have…lets see.” Opening one of the cupboards, her eyes scanned the shelf of alcohol, oh. Oh. Perfect. “I forgot I got this for you,” she’d seen it in the last space station they had docked at, and sure, it had been pricey despite the fact they didn’t use ‘currency’ but a little negotiation worked wonders. 

Lifting the bottle from its home, she held it out to him, “I thought of you,” the 25 year old bottle of Ardbeg scotch was placed on the counter before she found two glasses, the nicest ones she had, and then offered him the privilege, “you want to open it?” Well, she supposed it was his now after all. It was a way for her to show she cared, Tilly might be terrible at explaining her feelings to people, bit she knew how to show it. Actions spoke louder than words. At least that was what her grandparents had taught her.

“I suppose this is a congratulations slash celebrations, Captain. Welcome to Starfleet.” 

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: [ HOLD ]:         while close to the receiver, the sender wordlessly takes a hold of their hand, for no other purpose than to be holding it.

Fingertips touched his, a featherlight, tender touch. Her eyes stayed forward though, watching the nebula out of the window. It was beautiful, purple, pink and white all intertwined, like some kind of cosmic dance.  Soft fingertips brushed against his palm, she felt muscles underneath twitch at her touch, lightly she traced the line on his palm, feeling it with her fingertips as she attempted to learn every square inch of him. It was a strange urge to her, to want to be this close to someone. To want them in a way that wasn’t filled with lust and drunkenness. This was something much deeper.

It was a quiet night on board, a far cry from the war that rumbled on in the background of the Federation. Instead they were here, watching a nebula, science teams quietly scanning and mapping it as they pushed the boundaries of known space. She could easily have lost track of time here, staring into the void, into the infinite beauty of the universe.

How incredible, that they stood on the precipice of unexplored space. The first humans, looking at this glorious nebula, a ship full of the universe made sentient beings, attempting to make sense of the vastness that they inhabited.

Her fingers laced between his, warmth against her skin, atoms that now made up a soul that she had come to love, were once in nebulas like this. Atoms formed in the hearts of dying stars. A great Earth scholar had once said that we are all made of stardust. There were times in her life, where Tilly would have scoffed at the notion. For she hadn’t known the glory and wonder of the universe beyond the unsafe walls of her upbringing. Now, she had notions of destiny. That the universe they studied had brought them together.

“If you stare into the void long enough, it will stare back.”

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: “talk to me, okay? i need to know what’s going on.”

A lump sat in her throat. Tilly didn’t even know where to start. How was she meant to explain it to him? She struggled, used every part of her to hold it together, when in reality all she wanted to do was to break down and cry. To yell at the world that it was unfair. All these years later, the pain had dulled. It had morphed from a sharp knife that cut through her chest, to this dull ache. What had been a gaping hollow had slowly been filled with other things. The crew she now looked after, the man she loved, loss and death was so far removed from where they were now, and yet it hung in the background. Never quite out of her thoughts.

Green eye’s watched him carefully, trying to find the right words to convey how she felt. Remembrance Day was difficult, the badge on her chest felt heavier than it should. Fingers touched the cool metal. Tracing the embossed shape of the ship she had once called home. Gone now. Lost to time. Quite literally. “It’s just…a hard day.” Her career had been short compared to some Captains, and yet, it felt more action packed.

“My first posting was on the USS Discovery.” Tilly began, though she couldn’t do this conversation right now, not like this. Turning one of the glass tumblers on her desk right side up, she moved towards the shelves, picking up a bottle of Risian liquor. “I had just begun command training, was one of the bridge officers.” She had loved it. Adored it. “Captain Pike was…” a shrug, she didn’t know how to describe him. “One of the best I ever served under, he is Starfleet through and through.” Tilly had learned more under his command than just about anywhere else. “The exact opposit of the first captain I served with, he was….horrific.” Evil…but that wasn’t the point of this conversation.

“The ship was lost…with everyone on board…” except her. Everyone except her. “Minus one.” Somehow, she still felt like a traitor. “I was injured, evacuated off the ship before the fight broke out.” A pure act o chance had changed everything. “I should have gone down with that ship Ed.” She still believed so. “They were my friends…my family.” She had loved them from the very bottom of her heard. “Michael, my best friend…” that thought, was enough to turn her silent, swallowing the lump in her throat and sniff. Not today. She didn’t have the bandwidth to be this upset today.

A moment of silence, she needed composure. “We should prep for the briefing tomorrow.”

[evcryopeneye]

@ukapteni​​ asked: hug meme

A frustrated huff left her, padd in her hand, Tilly was more than annoyed now. She would have sworn up and down on her ship that the entire point of Command was to send her back paper work with a complaint along with it. It gave some pencil pusher mid management little shit a job to do. Tilly could picture it, some admin woman absolutely drunk on power and being able to send back a form with a missing checkmark. It was clear that they knew exactly what was going on but no. Computer said no. She had resolved that tonight would be theirs, but of course work tried to pry out every freaking moment of time from her hands.

All tension left her the moment his arms wrapped around her. It felt like sinking into a hot relaxing bath. Her reaction was almost instant, her shoulders dropped, she visibly relaxed before she tilted her head forward and planted a soft kiss on the back of his hands. Behind closed doors, far away from her crew, she was soft…quiet. A far fry from the terrified anxiety riddled cadet she’d been once. Her thoughts drifted, towards one of her crew…reminded her of herself in that way. Funny how experience changed your worldview.

“What do you want for dinner?” Honestly, she was too tired to pick, she’d leave it up to him, if she could get away with it, maybe she would get him to do the paperwork too. Giving up her padd, her arm sneaked out from under his, handing him the padd “I surrender.” The joke pulled a smile from her, at her own damn joke. “The night is yours.”

Well, it was.