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fmdtaeyongarchive · 7 years ago

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January 1, 2018: Soundcloud user kwonsongs uploaded a new audio: “New Year’s Day (cover)”

date: december 30, 2017

word count: 1,889 without lyrics

summary: really just me making up for never doing the cover festival para on ash combined with your run of the mill “new year, new me” para. it’s not super important character development but i wanted to establish kinda where he is as the year starts and he’s being emo again and this really might make more sense if i posted the other self-para with stuff that happens before this self-para but that would be too logical, right?

notes: i really wrote a self-para with taylor swift lyrics in it. f/anfi/ction.net is shaking. anyway this takes the place of that one para i wrote in october as my least favorite piece of writing even though it took a month and a half to write. just me.... constantly outdoing myself for the worse.

“Hold on to the memories; they will hold on to you.”

The night is darkest just before the dawn was a cliche Ash had repeated to himself (and had sung to him in slightly different words by Florence + the Machine through his headphones) numerous times in the past few years . He clung to the times it’d been proven right, but he’d seen how once the dawn had passed into the joyful brightness of mid-day, it could only go back downhill from there. He wanted to hope 2018 would be the dawn followed by a long summer day after the darkness of the past two years, but hope was hard to come by these days.

Time to sit down and record covers was rare lately, too. Two had been uploaded in December before his album dropped, but they’d been recorded in the two months before. Usually he’d play keyboard to accompany himself after picking the song and working out the legal licenses, but he just couldn’t do this one without a piano, so he’d gotten special permission to use one of the BC vocal lesson rooms to sit down at a real piano in a room with good acoustics. His hands ghosted over the black and white keys and he smiled to himself at the all too familiar press of his fingers on each one.

This was his home, more so than a music show stage or even a dance practice room. He’d never felt more comfortable than behind a piano. He’d been playing piano for longer than his memory went back. After eighteen years, it was the most natural thing for his body to do, more than breathing itself. There’d been a time he’d thought his destiny laid with the instrument in front of him. Becoming a world famous pianist wasn’t the most practical dream in this day and age, but when he was only a kid, it was what he’d wanted and he’d been too optimistic to doubt himself.

He couldn’t see that little kid in himself anymore.

Ash sat down at the bench and played the song’s first few notes to make sure the instrument was tuned. Recording his covers could often be an emotional ordeal sinc he rarely wasted his time with songs he couldn’t connect to. His soundcoud account was the closest thing to a diary he had other than his own songwriting notebooks. Millions of people could listen to them, but would they ever know who his love songs and songs of heartbreak went out to? Hansol. Daeun. Yoonah. His feelings for all three of them over the past two years had been documented on the public platform, but he’d never even told them they were about them, much like he didn’t tell them about most of the original songs he’d composed with them in mind. Music, whether it be written by others or written by himself, spoke volumes more than plain words ever could. It was more intimate and vulnerable than a simple exchange of words. Something so real was bound to frighten even the bravest of hearts, something Ash had never claimed to have.

Ash’s love of Taylor Swift songs had become so well-known that it was nearly a joke now, but he’d connected with the song he was going to play from the first time he’d heard it. For all of the dramatic and unrealistic notions he had of romance, the simple idea of an enduring love was one that appealed him to most now after so much self-inflicted heartbreak. On a deeper level than romance, he wanted to be a good person to everyone he loved in any sense. Not just his boyfriend, but also his friends and his parents. His nature had long led him to run from conflict, but he never wanted to be the type of person who hurt others because of his selfishness ever again.

It was a vast improbability that his wish would come to fruition. Ash had never wanted to hurt others, but he still did, so why should he think he could change? It was a flaw in the code of his nature that he was still struggling desperately to accept, but he didn’t have to accept it today. He just had to open up for the sake of music.

The song was easy to play, which was a godsend since he still felt weak from the night before. Life went on and this would help him, he hoped. Music was therapy when the universe didn’t allow him time for the real kind. But he could only rely on a substitute for so long before it ruined him.

The expensive audio recording set up had already been arranged, so he let a few moments of silence linger in the air after hitting record before he deftly began the one bar intro.

“There's glitter on the floor after the party. Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby. Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor. You and me from the night before but...”

The words flowed from his diaphragm as naturally as a nursery rhyme. The beginning was easy to get through, a visualization of the words taking over his mind. He hadn’t been to many parties, at least not the kinds of ragers at fraternities people his age were supposed to be going to. He’d been to plenty of stuffy industry events where there was no glitter and no Polaroids, only fake smiles and the bright flash of press cameras. Recently, he’d also been to plenty of clubs, with their strobe lights and deafening bass, but that was a hollow substitute. Parties with real laughter and a large group of close friends genuinely enjoying being in each other’s company were a distant dream to him. If he could stop pushing people away, would that help him live the idealistic image of his early twenties or was that another sacrifice he’d laid at the altar of BC Entertainment almost nine years ago with no hope of ever experiencing?

“Don’t read the last page. But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away.”

The song began to hit home much earlier than he would have liked. How tempting it would be to be able to know how everything ended in advance. At the end of his life, would he be happy? Would he finally know what happiness was? Would he grow old with someone who could somehow love him despite his never-ending failures or would he continue to disappoint everyone? Would he still be remembered as nothing more than the list of labels that his scandals had branded him with? Attention-seeker. Womanizer. Playboy. Cradle robber. An embarrassment.

Would he continue to sabotage the relationships that meant the most to him? Would his friends admit they only kept him around because they had pitied him and finally leave him for good?

Would he end up truly as alone as he already felt on his worst nights, an isolated man with nothing to keep him going?

His fingers tensed as he played, but he continued, his eyes falling closed as he bit the inside of his bottom lip to center himself. He couldn’t let his thoughts go there. Not now. He needed to get this cover out.

“I want your midnights, But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.”

Ash’s New Year’s Eve would be spent on a broadcast, but the idea of a trashed room wasn’t unfamiliar to him. After the adrenaline of brushing lips with someone who tasted as much of wine as he did when the clock hit twelve passed, so came the hangover. Hangovers were a normal side effect of life for Ash by now. During his album promotions, he’d pushed through a pounding head and dry throat to do an early show recording a few times. It wasn’t professional and it wasn’t pleasant, but he was beginning to feel he didn’t owe BC the former and the latter was a feeling too uncommon in his line of work to start with.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi. I can tell that it's going to be a long road. I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe. Or if you strike out and you're crawling home.”

The lyrics hadn’t affected him so much when he was practicing, but now it felt like his chest was shaking from the weight of the words he was singing. Ash wished he wasn’t recording so that he could let himself cry, to obstruct the words before they left his lips, but he’d been crying too much lately that he didn’t know he had it in him anymore.

Being loved had always been Ash’s source of validation. He wasn’t unaware of that fact. He didn’t know where it came from; it wasn’t as if he’d been left wanting for love and affection in his childhood, and yet he so badly needed people to care about him. But when they did, he told himself they’d see the light sooner or later. Every time, he hoped it would happen before he could ruin it like he always did. In the moment he had love, it was nice, but it was a vicious cycle and the true satisfaction that he yearned for it never came.

Naked sincerity rang in his words still. He lived for love when there was so little else to live for, and he sang the verse with every last atom of his being meaning the words he recited, but his mind never let his heart be at peace. He didn’t deserve to sing those words. He’d abandoned so many people at different times, in different ways.

And he’d been abandoned in turn back when his scandal had broken. Friends and acquaintances had stopped contacting him because he was a star plummeting to the ground from a spot in the sky that had been so delicate to begin with. People he’d thought liked him for him revealed they were fair-weather friends only interested in his status as a member of BC’s current hot boy group. That’s all he was to many. All he’d ever be. To the public, status as a living, breathing human was the only thing with which being in Knight hadn’t gifted him. “Three strikes, you’re out turned into “one strike, you’re unforgivable”.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. And I will hold on to you.”

Blocking out everything he was feeling so that he could get through the song wasn’t going to happen. Sometimes Ash felt incomparably numb and sometimes he experienced so many emotions it felt like he’d burst, but those were the only two options lately and he had no control over when each decided to show up. He should be appreciating all of the gifts life had given him—a loving family, friends who cared about him (for now), a healthy body, a job that offered him a salary most twenty-two year olds and most idols alike could only dream of making, but none of that was ever enough for him to feel genuinely happy. He tried, he did, but his mind always dragged him back down and disappointment at his own ungratefulness only made it worse.

“Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere. Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere.”

As Ash played the final notes of the song, he thought about how being able to look back on the next year with fondness when he was old and graying was the most he could ever ask for. It would be another year under BC, another year doing music with Knight he rarely enjoyed performing, and another year of being too busy to spend enough time with anyone other than his manager, but if he put it out into the world that he wanted this year to be better (that he wanted himself to get better), there was the slightest chance the stars would hear his cry for help. He’d tried everything else in vain, so what harm was there in letting the exhaustion of trying finally take over him and letting the universe do the trying instead?

#&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #&& kwonsongs | soundcloud #&& bring color to my skies | character development #i had to remake the soundcloud edit because this was supposed to be done by january 1 but nope #imagine the day i get to write ash in a healthy mental state

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fmdtaeyongarchive · 7 years ago

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headcanon #002: soundcloud account

word count: 508 words (not including the list at the end)

anyone who knows ash knows he isn’t a big user of social media. he only posts to his public accounts when his manager forces him to, and he only has private accounts to check up on what his friends are posting from time to time. his soundcloud account is by far his most active account, and coincidentally also the most intimate look into him as a person.

everything on his soundcloud is a cover. he has kept his own self-composed music to himself out of a mix of fear and hope of releasing them professionally one day.

because it’s run by him, posting on the account varies a lot. he may go months between postings or post two songs in a day. it’s dependent on how he feels and what he’s recorded recently.

the majority of the covers he posts are either guitar and vocal covers or keyboard and vocal covers, but there are a few strictly instrumental covers he’s uploaded over the years that have gotten fewer plays and likes than the ones he’s singing on.

he’s never featured anyone else’s singing, playing, or producing on his account. it’s the one creative outlet he has to himself, so he does everything on it. having the account played a major role in how he learned about producing.

most of the songs he’s covered are in english. he listens to more english music than korean and still finds it easier to emote when covering songs in his native tongue than in korean, despite nearly all of his professional singing being in korean. (his antis have used this as proof that he favors english-speaking fans over his korean fans, but really, it’s just a matter of what music he feels most connected to performing.)

although there are a fair few songs uploaded to the account, only about a fourth of the covers he records make it through the entire process to being uploaded.

sometimes the songs reflect his feeling and sometimes they’re merely songs he enjoys. have fun guessing which is which. his posting does either become more frequent when he’s going through emotional periods in his life (because he tends to turn to music in those times anyway) or stops almost entirely (because of lack of motivation).

he never changes the pronouns in love songs, which has caused some tension with bc entertainment, who would much prefer he changes any male pronouns to cater to knight’s largely female fan demographic. since bc owns all of his creative work under their contract, they could force him to remove something if they wanted to, but he’s avoided that so far. some have toed the line of what was acceptable (notably “...ready for it?” recently), but it’s own little way of testing bc’s patience.

much to the dissatisfaction of bc due to the above, “...ready for it?” has become the most listened to audio on the account.

he’s currently on a mission to cover every song off of the reputation album by taylor swift.

last ten covers uploaded to kwonsongs soundcloud account:

december 10: getaway car, originally by taylor swift (keyboard/vocal cover)

december 1: gorgeous, originally by taylor swift (keyboard/vocal cover)

october 1: i need somebody, originally by day6 (keyboard/vocal cover)

september 12: bite, originally by troye sivan (keyboard/vocal cover)

september 8: ...ready for it?, originally by taylor swift (guitar/vocal cover)

august 29: no angel, originally by beyonce (keyboard/vocal cover) *censored version

august 2: quit, originally by cashmere cat ft. ariana grande (keyboard/vocal cover) *censored version

july 16: friends, originally by ed sheeran (guitar/vocal cover)

june 30: the louvre, originally by lorde (guitar/vocal cover)

june 17: don’t wanna cry, originally by CHARM (guitar/vocal cover)

#&& bring color to my skies | character development #&& kwonsongs | soundcloud #&& holding on to something | headcanons #one day i'll get all of the chara development in my drafts posted lmao

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