#& yes those are screenshots from my orbiter it's looked like that for a week now

[riftwalker-limbro]

yknow these little guys?

little sawgaw floofs? yknow them?

i made fanart of em :)

[oopsabird]

re: Russian boat post and nasty anons accusing me of spreading conspiracy theories:

look. I only have so much control over what happens once a post leaves my orbit, or how far outside that orbit it will go. this is my personal blog, I’m not an influencer or a journalist and I don’t get paid to post here. I have no way of knowing which posts might happen to go viral and which ones ten people will see.

are there things I would change about how I worded a few parts of the original post, had I known that it was going to explode the way it has? yes, honestly, there are tweaks I would make to make it clearer that I was just putting a humorous “this ends up looking like the NatSec equivalent of putting on a bad fake moustache to blend in with a crowd so nobody freaks out about your presence” spin on what was clearly just a mislabelled military vessel trying to get back to its port and stuck in traffic like everyone else. when I went into posting about the other glitch and the incorrect photo, I was intentionally much more careful and made sure I had everything together before I posted so that there would be no unanswered questions left that might make it sound more suspicious than it clearly was.

unfortunately, unlike twitter tumblr does not allow me to push through any edits or changes I make so that they affect all 23,000+ versions of the post that exist out there. if I edit or even delete the original, all of the other versions will continue to circulate as-is, just as they were when somebody first reblogged them. that is outside my control. I’ve done the best I can in researching the longer part out thoroughly, putting in big bold letters that I don’t actually think anything suspect is happening, making sure that my investigation thread is visible/highlighted for anybody who looks in the notes, and I’ve tried to pass that link around as much as possible to people who express genuine questions or notable alarm. however, I can also only keep up with the notes so much.

I cannot easily predict which posts are going to leave my orbit and rocket to tens of thousands of notes in less than a day and which ones are gonna get 3 likes and fall off the map, because you just can’t with this site. I cannot reasonably take responsibility for the ability (or inability) of 20,000+ random strangers to calibrate their reactions intelligently from “the fully credulous instant belief you extend to trusted news outlets and trained journalists” to something more appropriate for “this is a clearly humour-based but possibly true post, made by some random un-credentialed blogger with no initial source links and no initial proof the screenshots are even legit” (they are, for the record). YOU as the audience are responsible for experiencing your world critically and intelligently and not being a gullible person who takes every post they see at entirely face value. I cannot be smart on your behalf.

so don’t come into my inbox hiding behind anon and accuse me of spreading conspiracy theories. I did my homework when I needed to, I cleared my shit up, I clarified in giant bold letters that I don’t actually think anything untoward or nefarious or improper is happening with the vessel, beyond maybe a last-minute scrambling fix of an outdated and potentially inflammatory AIS tag that only got noticed when thousands of eyes where looking at the region — and I even highlighted that I think the most likely, un-fun answer is just that the name and status switching back and forth is simply a computer glitch drawing on conflicting databases. It is not my fault if you don’t read.

I added my research, I cited my sources, and I cannot control the spread of earlier versions of the post (which were also much more joking in their tone) from before I did all that work. I cannot control if people actually check the notes for more information before they reblog something and treat it as factual. Even if I deleted the original (which I don’t see the need to), that would be essentially pointless (and even detrimental) as it has a fully self-sustaining life of its own anyway.

I haven’t slept in over 24hrs for various unrelated reasons, my blog is literally exploding, and I’m disabled and on a shitty week already to start with. there is only so much I can do.

anon is turned off now, so with all due respect those of you with some sort of faux-righteous bone to pick can either bring your shit-talking around with your username actually attached to it this time so I can actually block you, or you can get off my fucking dick about it

tl;dr: it’s not my fault if your information literacy skills are ass, or that you think just because you only ever learn your news from shitposts then all shitposts are required to uphold the journalistic standards

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.