#& never have any 'tv quality' content on it. be mother fucking serious.

[ozlices]

another super insulting part of the watcher situation i haven't rly seen ppl addressing much

ryan deadass saying smth like "nobody else on youtube has made tv quality content"

like... i really feel like it's important to highlight that bc not only do they obviously have no respect for their audience, but that statement shows they have no respect for their peers in the industry, either.

not to mention it is a shining example of bleeding arrogance to such a high degree, you will straight up fucking lie bc you're truly convinced you're that special when you're anything but.

there's been NUMEROUS online creators who were recognized by entertainment industry workers BECAUSE they made tv quality content & even full stop blockbuster quality content.

bo burnham started on youtube & is now one of the most wellknown & loved standup comedians of our generation, with numerous netflix specials & even a movie he wrote & directed under his belt.

the try guys, fellow ex-buzzfeed employees, had their own tv specials on food network (based off their youtube shows, btw) & a documentary made about them as well

rosanna pansino has also been on numerous food network shows both as a host & a judge

quinta brunsun, another fellow ex-buzzfeed employee, went on to create her own whole ass sitcom that has been highly praised

matpat cameo'd in the fnaf movie because of his theories & multiple other fnaf creators had small cameos through the employee of the month board easter egg

markiplier made multiple high-quality shows on youtube & is now working on a highly anticipated movie (he was also planned to cameo in the fnaf movie but couldn't due to conflicting schedules with his own movie)

hot ones got their own tv gameshow due to their popularity & they are still one of the most wellknown, beloved & respected internet shows

many short films made on youtube went on to premiere at film festivals & even in theaters

the hit horror film "talk to me" was created by youtubers rackaracka

webseries of actual fucking tv shows have also existed for literal decades

the list goes on.

to seriously think that overproduced bullshit is all you need to make "tv quality content" is not only tone-deaf, but shows they do not even know what they're talking about. many tv shows & huge blockbuster movies are made with absolutely microscopic budgets & small teams, & they still get praised & awarded for the passion, dedication, & creativity that shined brightly under those restrictions.

the blair witch project is probably the most wellknown & highly praised example of this, but it is far from the Only example

it is a whole other slap in the face, again ESPECIALLY when puppet history is one of their most popular shows, to spit in the face of internet history. to see the success of their predecessors, even ppl they fucking worked with at buzzfeed, & deny them of all their success & efforts to get where they ended up.

no, y'all are not the first people to make "tv quality content" on the internet. FAR from it. because your crap isn't even genuine "tv quality".

but you are the first ones to ever disrespect not only your audience, but your own fucking industry & your peers on this level.

& you are the first & i sorely hope the only fuckwads dumb enough to pull a stunt this fucking stupid, out of touch & utterly tone deaf.

[drwcn]

Hi! I hope you are doing okay with all the discourse going around. Im white and raised in a very white society so i will never have a say in it, but i was wondering, is there any way i can educate myself more in asian/chinese culture? Im aware i consume content thru western lens and because of that i dont really get all the nuances of the shows, but i would like to have at least some backround. Im guessing just watching the shows doesnt give enough of that, can you maybe reccommend some blogs or books to check out? (If you dont thats totally fine and im sorry if i said anything offensive)

Hey friend! Not offensive at all, no worries. Honestly, I’m not too sure. I think just keeping an open mind about things is a really good start. I’m not really sure which blogs to recommend but if I could recommend some dramas? Since it’s probably easier to watch a show then read a book?

《The Story of Minglan》 is a good one to sort of parse out the intricacy of historical Chinese society in the Song Dynasty, keeping in mind that different dynasties have different practices, so even amongst different time periods there were differences. 《The Story of Yanxi Palace》 is another good one for Qing Dynasty (circa 1740s) if you wanna get into imperial harem stuff. (Or you can watch 《甄嬛传》 or 《如懿传》 for harem stuff. I just think The Story of Yanxi Palace is the most palatable, most aesthetic, and most fun out of the three. The other two are kinda tragic?) There are other dramas but I feel they’re not as... accessible?

Chinese historical dramas come in 3 flavours: serious dramas, idol dramas, and those that ride the fence. What I mean by idol drama is...everyone in it is young and hot and the writing is eh and the acting is eh. More often then not there’s a lot of modern elements to it. The Untamed is so popular because it’s idol drama done really well.  (xianxia and wuxia genre used to be more quality when I was a kid, but now they’re kind of ehhhh.) I would say Minglan and Yanxi are both successful because they ride the fence. 

On the other hand, serious historical drama has A LOT of politics and can be quite dry especially if you’re watching it through half-assed subtitles. The actors typically are more seasoned, older. People jokingly say that idol drama is what mom watches and serious drama is what dad watches, and honestly given my parents’ tv habits...it’s pretty accurate 😂.

Some really well known ones from the past 20 years are: 

The 《铁齿铜牙纪晓岚》 series 1-4. I would only recommend part 1-2, 3-4 are not as great. This one has quite a bit of humour but it might fly over your head a bit because of the language barrier. The story surrounds a well known government official and scholar named Ji Xiaolan  纪晓岚, his frenemy and colleague the (EXTREMELY corrupt) prime minister He Shen, and the Emperor Qianlong. For better or worse these three are depicted as both liege and subjects as well as friends. Trying to see Ji Xiaolan and He Shen one up each other while Qianlong tries to balance his court and rule the country is quite interesting. I won’t pretend this is an easy series to follow, but it’s actually quite fun. 

《汉武大帝》 - is about Hanwu Emperor of the Han Dynasty circa 150 BC? He’s one of the most famous emperors of distant history. It’s basically about the course of his life and the many people that featured in it. 

《大明王朝 》- my memories of this one is very vague, but it is about the Ming Dynasty (the dynasty before the Qing Dynasty c. 1500,1600.) 

《The Advisors Alliance 军事联盟》-  2017 two-part television series based on the life of Sima Yi, a government official and military general who lived in the late Eastern Han dynasty and Three Kingdoms period of China. circa 150 AD. 

As a side note, a lot of serious dramas for a while now have been focused on the Qing Dynasty, just because it’s the last imperial dynasty before Imperial China fell into decline, WWI and WWII ravaged the country and communism happened. Even a lot of idol drama are about the Qing Dynasty (I feel like I should do a post about this, just to string things together haha). 

So for the Qing Dynasty, because they are Manchurian, their last name is Aisin Gioro or in Chinese Aixin Jueluo 爱新觉罗. Their earlier emperors are much more well known than their later ones and have been the focus of MANY dramas. (You’ll notice their names in the beginning spell very different than the Chinese names you’re used to, but once they take over China, the emperors’ names start to become more and more mainland Chinese and less and less Manchurian.) 

Nu’er Hachi 努尔哈赤/ Nurhaci - The granddaddy of Qing Dynasty, but was never officially Emperor of China during his life time. 

Huang Taiji 皇太极 - Nurhaci’s oldest son. He led the campaign against the Ming Dynasty but died before the campaign was over 

Fulin 福林, Emperor Shunzhi 顺治 - Huang Taiji’s 9th son. He is the real first Emperor of the Qing Dynasty. His uncle Duo’Ergun 多尔衮/ Dorgon was his regent as well as his commander-in-chief. Dorgon was the one who won the war against the Ming Dynasty and instated his nephew as the Emperor. Fulin was 6 years old when this happened, and now you may wonder why the fuck is that? It’s because Fulin’s mother, Huang Taijii’s widowed concubine Consort Zhuang (name: pu’erji-jite bumubutai  (pinyin) 博爾濟吉特 布木布泰/ Bumbutai Borjigit, Da-Yu’er 大玉儿) remarried her brother-in-law Dorgon. Whether Bumbutai and Dorgon were actually in love is....contestable. Certainly one of my favourite serious dramas that depict this part of history is《大青���云》. 

Xuanye 玄燁, Emperor Kangxi 康熙 - Fulin’s third son. Very famous. Very long reign. Serious drama associated 《康熙微服私访记》， 《康熙王朝》

Yinzhen 胤禛, Emperor Yongzheng 雍正 - Xuanye's 4th son. His reign was highly contested because some ppl believed he forged the succession document. It’s probably not true. He was an efficient emperor but very austere, very severe. Not well liked. The best serious drama about him is probably 《雍正王朝》and the aforementioned《甄嬛传》. The former is 100% politics and a fictional re-telling of historical events whereas the latter is 100% harem drama and 100% made up. 《步步惊心》is an idol drama about a girl who transmigrated back to this time and fell in love with Yinzhen. Lol. 

Hongli 弘历, Emperor Qianlong 乾隆 - Yinzhen’s 4th son. I think he’s the longest living/reigning emperor of Chinese history. SOOOOO many dramas were made about him or set in his reign. Of the serious drama category:  《铁齿铜牙纪晓岚》 that I mentioned earlier is really good. There are others but I won’t name them here.  《如懿传》 is a serious drama about his harem, but really terrible? I really didn’t like it (just my personal view). Incidentally it was released around the same time as《The Story of Yanxi Palace 延禧攻略》which is also about his harem and MUCH better in my opinion, because the actor for Hongli in Yanxi is much better skills-wise. 《还珠格格》was the OG idol drama about Hongli’s children. I gave a brief synopsis about it here. It was made in the 90s but damn...so nostalgic. 

There’s many more emperors after him, but they’re not as important. 

Okay yeah, so I’m not sure if any of this is really helpful, but definitely watching serious drama gives you much better context and understanding of Chinese culture than idol drama. I mean when the drama has flying and magic...the historical relevance sort of falls to the side. 🤣

ADDENDUM: I made a typo earlier. Fulin is Huang Taiji’s 9th son, not Nurhaci’s son. Also Abahai is Huang Taijii’s mother’s name (wikipedia lied to me on this one XD). 

[keanureevesisbae]

Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat - Chapter 10

Summary: Veterinarian Olivia Tran has zero time for bullshit. After becoming a mom at age twenty three, the one thing she wants is a good life for her daughter Vanessa. Her ex didn’t want anything to do with her nor the baby and she decided that man are officially banned out of her life. But then she meets Henry Cavill at her clinic and her ban slowly starts to crumble apart. Henry on the other hand is looking for one thing: a family. And when he meets Olivia Tran, he finds just that.

Henry Cavill x Olivia Tran (ofc)

Warnings: None 

Wordcount: 3.5k

A/N: soooo, I have 174 followers and that is un-fucking-believable, since I had around 90 about a week/week and a half ago. Like... What is happening? I’m really confused, but also thanks? 

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

A little more than a month has passed since Vanessa’s birthday. Henry isn’t even thinking about eventual acting jobs again. The only thing he that is on his mind, is spending his time with Olivia and Vanessa. Since Vanessa is in school and Olivia has to work, he spends his time in the gym, in the stores, reading a bit and cuddling up with Kal. People might’ve think it would be boring, but he is actually enjoying his time like this. For someone who thought acting would be everything in life, he sure doesn’t miss it at all.

Olivia is home earlier from her work, because he is straddled when he hears the front door shut. He is standing in her kitchen, trying out a new recipe. ‘Is that my apron?’ she asks him when she walks into the kitchen. She leans against the doorway and Kal whimpers, almost as he answers for his owner, causing her to chuckle. ‘Looking good, Cavill. Pink roses are definitely your go to pattern.’

He smiles, seeing the beautiful woman also smiling at him. ‘You’re home early,’ he says, walking up to her, to scoop her off her feet.

She lets out a squeal and says: ‘There were too many people in the clinic so I happily volunteered to go home.’ Olivia wraps her arms around his neck. ‘I sure missed you a lot.’

‘I missed you too, love.’

He places her gently on the table in the kitchen, gives her a kiss before he goes back to the counter. He lets her talk about her day, because it’s one of his favorite things to listen to. After she told him about the multiple anal glands, shots she had to give and the broken paws, she clears her throat. ‘I think you and I need to talk,’ Olivia says and he nearly cuts off his own finger.

‘What?’ he asks, turning around, panic rushing through his veins. What does she want to talk about? She sounds so serious. Is she not happy with him anymore? They are going too fast as a couple, that must be it. He doesn’t have any issues with that, but maybe she does. He should’ve stepped back a few times. God, this is such a—

‘But please take off that apron, I can’t take you seriously like that,’ she chuckles and now Henry is really confused. This can’t be a break up right? He does take off the apron and wipes his palms dry on his jeans. ‘We need to talk about your job,’ she says.

Henry is visibly relieved. ‘Oh thank God.’

She frowns. ‘What did you think we needed to talk about?’

‘I thought you wanted to break up or wanted to take at least a break.’

Olivia shakes her head, while she chuckles. ‘Oh honey,’ she says, holding out her hand. He hesitantly takes it and she pulls him to stand between her legs. ‘I’m sorry I scared you, but I can guarantee that I don’t want either of those things.’ She gives him a kiss and he relaxes against her body.

‘But why do you want to talk about my job?’

‘Because I just need to be sure that Vanessa and I aren’t holding you back. When I met you, you were actor Henry Cavill, but you seem to make zero efforts to continue in that line of work. I discussed it with your dad the other day and he said that he barely heard you about job offers anymore. I was just wondering if you don’t get job offers or if you don’t accept them because of us.’

Henry lets out a sigh. Though he doesn’t want to have this conversation with her, he does appreciate that she brings it up. She is not afraid to bring up conversation pieces that he has been trying to avoid and that quality alone shows she is an excellent mother and a partner. ‘I’m just taking a break.’

‘Why?’ she asks. ‘You have been taking one for more than a year now. You love acting, don’t you?’

‘I do,’ he says, ‘but… I’m scared I guess.’

‘Why?’ she asks. Her fingers are toying with the hem of his sweater, before she slips her hand underneath the sweater to touch his skin. He loves it when she innocently touches him like that. ‘Please, Henry, I’m only trying to understand you a bit better. That’s all. I’m not blaming you, trying to make you feel stupid or guilty, please don’t let your mind wander to those kinds of things.’

And without him even knowing it, he was doing exactly that. Those mother instincts sure do work. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers.

She shakes her head. ‘Wait,’ she says. She jumps off the table, turns off the stove, pushes everything to the back of the counter so Kal can’t secretly eat stuff and pulls him with her to the living room. She lays down on the couch, spreads her arms and says: ‘Come here.’

Henry can’t help but chuckle a little bit, thinking back to the time she was stressed out because of an operation that was very demanding and life threatening if she did something wrong. He simply laid down on the couch, spread his arms and held her.

He sits on the couch, before he lays down between her legs, placing his head on her soft chest. She wraps her arms tightly around him and he lets out a content sigh, feeling stress slowly leaving his body already. ‘Talk to me, Henry,’ she whispers. ‘Please.’

His hands pushes up her thick shirt and he touches her waist. Feeling her skin against his palms, helps him relax even more. ‘I’m scared of making another movie again,’ he admits. ‘What if that is a fail again?’

‘But would it be that bad?’ she asks. ‘Don’t you learn from failures?’

‘You do, but I don’t like making mistakes.’

‘My little perfectionist,’ Olivia whispers, pressing a kiss on top of his head. ‘Listen, it���s not that I don’t like you here. I love it when you are around and Vanessa thinks it’s great when you pick her up from school when I can’t. I mean, we don’t want you gone, don’t think like that, but I don’t want you to regret in a few years that you didn’t take a certain job.’

Henry places his chin on her chest, so he can look at the love of his life. ‘I won’t regret it. I like being here with you and Vanessa. It’s just that I need to feel in the right headspace again to think about starring in movies again and right now I only feel shame.’

‘Why? The movie wasn’t that bad,’ Olivia says and he cocks an eyebrow. ‘Okay, okay, the movie pretty bad, but… Lots of actors and actresses play in bad movies and that isn’t necessarily the end of their career, is it now?’

Henry sighs deeply. ‘I know, sweetheart.’

‘Look, again, I’m not forcing you out of my house. On the contrary, I want to force you to stay here and never leave, but please, for me, think about your choices, okay?’

‘Of course, my love. Thank you for bringing this up and I must admit: I really like laying down like this,’ he admits. He once found Vanessa and Olivia on the couch like this and it made his heart flutter. ‘I understand why Vanessa likes to be here.’

‘Shut up,’ she chuckles. ‘I can push you off, you know.’

‘But you won’t do that.’ He pushes himself up a bit, so he has better access to her neck. He presses open kisses against her skin and he feels her fingers run through his hair. ‘Thank you for looking out for me.’

‘You do the same for me,’ she says. She wraps her legs around his hips. ‘God, I love you like crazy, you know that?’

‘I love you too, love. How much time do we have left before we have to pick up Vanessa?’

She looks at the clock behind him and whispers: ‘Four hours.’

‘What can we do in four hours?’ he asks. ‘Multiple times?’

Olivia shrugs. ‘Finish that recipe that you were trying out?’

‘Minx.’

≫≫≪≪

The three of them (Kal is staying at home, since he isn’t allowed on the Christmas market) walk through the Christmas trees. Olivia told him that for years they only had a tiny tree, since she couldn’t afford a bigger tree and more decoration. Since she works shorter shifts, lives in a house, she has save money on certain fun activities, like buying a Christmas tree. To make sure this Christmas is unforgettable, he wants Vanesa and Olivia to pick out the tree they want.

‘Mommy,’ Vanessa says, ‘can we really pick out any tree we want?’

Olivia nods. ‘Just one, though, we’re not going to have a house filled with trees, okay?’

The little girl nods and she rushes through the trees, checking them all out.

Henry wraps his fingers around Olivia’s, as he stretches out his neck to see where Vanessa is. Before Olivia can say something, he raises his voice and says: ‘Vanessa, sunshine, stay close now.’

He feels Olivia looking up at him and he hears her laugh.

‘What?’ he asks, frowning a bit as Vanessa waves at them, a sign that she did hear him.

‘That was such a dad move,’ Olivia says. ‘You are actually such a dad, you know that?’

He doesn’t know what to say. This is the first time she mentioned that to him, though he has made some pretty dad like moves the past few weeks, ever since Vanessa told him that she loved him a lot.

She has been trying to push his boundaries a few times, but she knew when she needed to back off most of the time. He figured it was only normal, but the first time she pushed the buttons, he didn’t know what to do. Thankfully Olivia was there to tell Vanessa that stuff like that isn’t funny or nice, causing the young girl to listen.

But he had to be tough with her a few times. Telling her not to jump on top of him, knees first right in his stomach and she started to pout. Having to tell her that she can’t watch tv now, because they were going to eat and she kept sitting on the couch, sitting on top of the remote control. Helping her through a breakdown when she had a little bit of homework, since Olivia had to prepare a surgery.

Olivia would stand in the doorway, arms crossed in front of her chest and would watch the little debacle, not interfering, unless she thought it was necessary. Almost like she was evaluating him and he actually understood. If he was going to be a important part of their lives, become the dad figure he so desperately wants to be, he needs to show both of them that he is serious.

The other day, Vanessa kept screaming in the car and he said something to her about how she shouldn’t do that. ‘Why would I listen to you?’ she asked him, looking in the rearview mirror at him with a daring look on her face. He had never heard her speak like that, but then he realized: Olivia and her know each other like the back of their hands and only one look of Olivia, would make Vanessa listen immediately.

But Henry is new, he hasn’t been there since the beginnings. Of course Vanessa was the sweetest young girl when he met her, but now he is becoming a more frequent and stable part of their lives, she needs to push the limits a bit.

‘Because it’s my car and your screams make my eardrums tear,’ he retorted.

‘I don’t like you,’ she told him and that broke his heart.

‘Vanessa,’ Olivia said, without even looking over her shoulder. ‘Why don’t you like him?’

‘Because he is being mean,’ Vanessa said, crossing his arms.

He could see Olivia looking to the side at him and maybe the heartbreak was written all over his face. ‘Tell me exactly why you think he is being mean to you.’ Henry didn’t understand what she was going for, because did he want to hear the list of things that Vanessa maybe was going to make?

Vanessa opened her mouth and said: ‘Because he doesn’t let me scream.’

‘Do I ever let you scream?’

‘No.’

‘You think I’m mean then?’

The little girl sighed. ‘No.’

‘Why is Henry mean and I’m not when we say the exact same thing?’

Now Vanessa didn’t know what she had to say, so she didn’t say anything at all. Olivia let it slide, knowing well enough that she had made Vanessa think about her behavior. When the two of them got out of the car, she said to him that he should help the little girl out of the carseat.

Henry was scared, honest to God scared. He didn’t want to ruin their relationship, but certainly not force her into liking him. He opened the door, because he felt like being scared was not the thing he should do. He should get over it.

Vanessa looked up and when he unbuckled her seatbelt, she placed her hand on his arm. ‘I’m sorry, Henry,’ she said. ‘I should’ve listened to you.’

‘It’s okay, sunshine,’ he said.

‘Are you still mad at me?’

He frowned. ‘I wasn’t mad at you.’

‘What then?’

‘A little disappointed, that’s all.’

Vanessa sighed and pouted. He spotted tears in her eyes and that broke his heart even more. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know why I did it.’

‘It’s all okay,’ he told her. ‘I’m not mad and not disappointed anymore.’

‘You won’t leave?’

That was her biggest fear—him leaving. Maybe that’s why she was testing out the waters with her behavior. Maybe she was figuring out what she could do for him to leave and never come back. But that wasn’t Henry. He knew he was in it for the long run. ‘If I would leave because of this, I would be a big idiot, wouldn’t I be?’

Vanessa nodded. ‘Yeah, you would.’

He helped her out of the car, but she hugged his leg tightly and Olivia, who had witnessed it all, chuckled and mouthed: ‘See?’

The role of a dad, wasn’t something he feared, but sometimes he felt stress building up inside of him. Was he doing it right? What would Olivia think about how he handled it?

‘I’m a dad?’ Henry asks Olivia, as Vanessa is ushering them over, because she found the perfect tree.

‘You are,’ she says. ‘I mean, you are still figuring it all out and I totally understand, but remember: you’ll never do it perfectly. Parenting is something terrifying, but you’ve been holding up well.’

‘It will get worse?’ he says.

‘Well,’ Olivia chuckles, ‘Vanessa has yet to become a teenager and I can tell you that I was a pretty tough teen to handle. Maybe she is too, I don’t know, but they say the teen years are hard.’

Henry squeezes her hand. ‘Well, as long as I’m with you, I’m ready for it.’

‘Mommy, I like this one,’ Vanessa says and Olivia goes to stand behind her daughter, placing her hands on the tiny shoulders of Vanessa, as they look at the tree.

It’s moments like these where the two of them look so much alike and he still can’t believe that the idiot Wesley left her, before Vanessa was born. It might’ve been for the best, but Henry can’t seem to wrap his mind around the fact that that breathing moron walked away from the two greatest ladies in the world.

‘Why do you like this one?’ Olivia asks.

‘Because that branch looks heart shaped.’

Olivia looks over her shoulder. ‘Now I think that is a legit enough reason, but since Henry is going to pay for it, he needs to agree to it.’

Vanessa looks up, a hopeful look on her face and she folds her hands together. ‘Henry, please, can we have this tree?’

He pretends to think hard about it. ‘I don’t know,’ he says.

‘Please,’ Vanessa begs. ‘I really want this tree. It has a heart shaped branch.’

He lets out a chuckle, not wanting to put her in fear of not buying this tree any longer. ‘I think it’s perfect for us.’

Vanessa claps her hands. ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’

When they are back at Olivia’s place, they set up the tree and he helps them decorate it. Vanessa sits on his shoulders, as she puts the pick on top. ‘What do you think, sunshine?’ he asks, stepping back, to admire the tree.

He feels her hands tugging his curls. ‘I love it,’ she says.

‘Well, we have to say thank you to Henry,’ Olivia says.

‘But I already said thank you for buying the tree, mommy.’

She nods. ‘I know you did, but did you thank him for buying the decorations?’

Vanessa audibly gasps. ‘Oh no, I didn’t.’

‘Well, hurry up then,’ Olivia jokingly says.

He lifts her off his shoulders, but lets her rest on his hip. ‘Thanks daddy, for buying the Christmas decorations.’

Henry freezes. Did she just call him daddy? She thinks of him as a dad? He looks over at Olivia, whose eyes have widened as well. ‘What did you say?’ he asks her.

Vanessa curls in her lips. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘You’re not my daddy. Thanks Henry.’ She wiggles herself out of his arms and mumbles something along the lines of going to her room.

‘Did she just…?’ he asks Olivia.

She simply nods. ‘Vanessa, baby, wait up.’ She rushes past him, up the stairs following Vanessa.

Okay, he needs to think about this. He wants to be her dad. That drawing she made for him, still hangs in his living room. He spends so much time with both Olivia and Vanessa… He is part of their little family, just like they are part of his. He sees Olivia as the mother of eventual future children and Vanessa as the big sister of them.

Then why is he still here and not upstairs comforting her?

He walks up the stairs and hears little sniffles coming from Vanessa’s room. ‘I’m so sorry, mommy,’ he hears Vanessa cry.

‘Don’t be.’

‘Is he mad at me?’

‘Why? Because you called him daddy?’

He doesn’t hear Vanessa say anything, but he figures she is nodding.

‘No, he was just surprised, baby.’

‘I don’t want him to leave, because I said that.’

He opens the door and says: ‘Vanessa, sunshine, I’m not leaving. Your mom is right, I was just a little surprised.’ Henry walks over to the bed, where Vanessa is sitting on Olivia’s lap, tears running over her red cheeks.

‘Why were you surprised?’ Olivia asks for her daughter and maybe a bit for herself.

‘Because I didn’t expect you to call me daddy. I… I figured you would always call me Superman or Henry.’ Henry places his hand on Vanessa’s back and he feels she is trembling and that makes him feel even worse than he was already. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her.

‘Why are you apologizing?’ Vanessa asks.

‘Because I made you sad,’ he says. ‘Listen: I love you a lot, Vanessa and I’m not leaving because of this. I would be a big idiot if I did that.’

She nods in agreement. ‘But do you want to be my dad?’ she asks. ‘I always wanted one.’

‘I would love to be your dad,’ Henry tells her. ‘I would be honored.’

‘See?’ Olivia says with a smile, kissing Vanessa.

The little girl takes a deep breath. ‘Really?’

‘Really, sweetheart.’ He wraps his arms around the two of them and he gives them both a kiss on top of their heads. ‘How about I make some hot chocolate for us?’ he suggests. ‘To celebrate this?’

Olivia chuckles and Vanessa starts to nod. ‘I would love that,’ Vanessa says and she has a telling smile on her face. ‘I love you, daddy,’ she whispers.

‘I love you too, sunshine,’ he tells her.

She rubs her nose against his and asks: ‘You like having me as a daughter?’

He blinks faster with his eyes, but a tear does escape. ‘I love having as my daughter.’

She wipes away his tear and says: ‘Good, because I like being your daughter.’

≫≫≪≪

Henry: Mom, I have great news!

Mom: Olivia is pregnant?

Henry: NO! Olivia is not pregnant!

Mom: Would’ve been great news though, another grandchild into our family.

Mom: Your father and I are not getting any younger.

Henry: I see what you are doing there. You can’t guilt trip me in knocking Olivia up. Where are your manners?

Mom: Well, if that wasn’t the great news, what is it then?

Henry: Vanessa wants me as her dad

Mom: That is wonderful news too, honey! Oh, I’m so happy for you!!

Mom: So, when are you going to make it official?

Henry: Make what official?

Mom: As in officially making her your daughter. As in adopting her?

[coll2mitts]

#28 Hairspray (2007)

Welcome to Hairspray, where a well-intentioned, woke, white teenage girl singlehandedly ends segregation in 1960s Baltimore.

Y’know, after watching Cry-Baby, I wasn’t super keen on revisiting Hairspray, but I figured it deserved a fair shot.  I hadn’t seen the original since I was in high school, so I booted up HBO Max and settled in for a long night of old-timey dance moves and racial inequality.  Guys... the 1988 version of Hairspray is flippin’ great.

The cast is just to die for.  Ricki Lake, who I only knew as a talk show host in my childhood, is a great Tracy Turnblad.  My favorite devious sea witch Divine is her mother, and Jerry Stiller is her father.  Goddamn Debbie Harry and Sunny Bono are her rival’s parents, and Amber Von Tussle is motherfucking Colleen Fitzpatrick.  As someone who has a vested interest in all famous Colleens, I was stoked to see that Hairspray was Vitamin C’s first acting gig.

FUN FACT: According to Wikipedia (which is never wrong), Graduation (Friends Forever) charts on iTunes at the end of every school year.  Colleen is also the VP of music at Nickelodeon, so she’s doing just fine.

Anyway, the original Hairspray is campy, edgy and hilarious.  If I were Miss Soft Crab 1945, I too would bring it up every chance I got.  The story really boils down to two horny teenage girls trying to claw their way to the top, but the charm of Tracy is she’s trying to pull everyone else up with her.  The way they handle segregation and racial inequality is over-the-top ridiculous, but somehow more realistic than its updated counterpart (put a pin in this).  I mean, a racist white woman shoved a bomb in her hair to own the libs and it gloriously explodes on her head.  I haven’t seen the musical adaptation of Hairspray, so my opinions of how true it is to its source material won’t be explored here, but the 2007 movie adaptation, to me, left a lot to be desired.

Hairspray might be the most popular in a recent trend of non-musical movies being adapted for Broadway.  I remember back in the 90s when Beauty and the Beast hit the stage - it was so successful Disney now has the movie-to-Broadway pipeline on speed dial.  But now we’re getting a shitload of movies with no musical elements being fast tracked to Broadway, like Kinky Boots, Bend it Like Beckham, Mean Girls, Beetlejuice, Heathers, Waitress, Legally Blonde, fucking Groundhog Day with music written by Tim Minchin, just, so goddamn many of them.  I love musicals, but to say I didn’t want to see The Heathers threaten Veronica in 3-part harmony would be an understatement, so I’m immediately skeptical to the quality of this content and hesitant to consume it.  Unfortunately for me, Hairspray is one of the few who had their *corny* musical adaptation also committed to film, and it is a neutered, earnest, high school choir translation of the original and it made my teeth hurt.

The two positives I’ll give the remake are the sets/costumes are great, and the cast serve their roles well, although I will never be OK with someone wearing a fat suit as a costume.  The songs are... fine.  Again, this era of music is not my favorite, so I’m never going to get excited over “It Takes Two” or “I Can Hear the Bells”.  It’s just the tone is so different from the original, and by the end of the movie I was exhausted and very glad it was over.  Writing about it now has required several breaks and side-tangents and I can’t even get to the fucking synopsis of the movie... ugh let’s just do this.

Tracy Turnblad is a “pleasantly plump” teenage girl living in 1960s Baltimore whose sunny disposition makes her oblivious to the reality of murky situation she is living in.  We’re quickly introduced to her obsession, “The Corny Collins Show”, which features a number of far-out teens that love to dance, including multi-year winner of Miss Teenage Hairspray and miss Pitch Perfect herself Amber Von Tussel.  Her mother, Velma, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, is the station manager at WYZT, and uses her power to keep Amber featured front and center.  

After a girl on the show gets knocked up, an audition is held to replace her.  While Tracy’s mother Edna, regrettably played by John Travolta in a fat suit, is afraid that Tracy’s weight will prevent her from landing the gig, her father, puzzlingly played by like a 60-something Christopher Walken, is generally supportive.  True to Edna’s feeling, Tracy is fat shamed by Amber and Velma and doesn’t make the cut.

After getting detention for skipping class for an audition that didn’t pan out, Tracy makes friends with a bunch of black students who are all excellent dancers.  Turns out her new friend Seaweed is the son of Motormouth Maybelle, the sometimes-host of "The Corny Collins Show”, played by Queen Latifah.  Velma, in addition to being a massive bitch, also segregates the station’s black talent from the main show, only to be featured one night a month on “Negro Day”.  While Tracy is boogying down, Link, Amber’s boyfriend and one of the stars of TCCS, peeps at her ass and tells her if she shook her rump in front of Corny at the Hop, he’d have no choice but to put her on the show.

In the original movie, Tracy Turnblad fucks.  She moves in on Link and devours him whole, with no mind given to her size.  She is a kind of bratty, confident young teenager that isn’t afraid to reach out and grab what she wants.  Tracy in the 2007 version is the most innocent cinnamon roll that has ever been baked.  Link gives her one compliment and she drifts into fantasies of marrying him.  Part of me is annoyed by this, but the other part of me appreciates misguided optimism played as humor.

At the Corny Collins hop, Tracy steals borrows Seaweed’s dance move and lands a place on TCCS council.  After declaring she wants every day to be Negro Day, the head of the station declares he wants that “chubby communist girl” off the show.  Corny, played by a dreamy James Marsden, sticks his neck out for Tracy and furthermore, says the show should be integrated.  As Tracy’s popularity skyrockets, the station shows more leeway to her size and her look, but to maintain some semblance of control, Velma works to completely edge out Negro Day.

Meanwhile, Link is clued into how fun it is in detention, and him, Tracy, and Penny all dance their way to Motormouth Maybelle’s record store for a potluck.  When Seaweed introduces his new white friends to his mother, Penny delivers my favorite line of the whole movie, “I’m very pleased and scared to be here.”  Amber rats out Tracy’s activities to her mother, and Edna arrives to Motormouth’s with the intention of dragging Tracy home until she realizes that black people are OK because they eat brisket.

After Edna shoves a bunch of food in her face, the gang finds out that Negro Day on “The Corny Collins Show” has been cancelled.  Tracy has the great idea to protest the television station, and all the black people are like, “Why didn’t we think of that?”  Link decides to bow out of the march because there’ll be talent agents at the Miss Hairspray Pageant, and he doesn’t want to give up his big shot at fame and glory to fight for a entire race of people’s basic rights.

The next day, Tracy and her mom are the only white people in a sea of black people to march to the station.  Queen Latifah sings a very earnest song about the resilience of her community, because this is the Serious Portion TM of the musical.  Tracy assaults a police officer without giving any mind to what it would do for all the black people she’s marching with, and runs away to let them handle the consequences.  The movie doesn’t show any police brutality because Reasons, and a bunch of protestors are arrested and immediately bailed out by Tracy’s Dad.  Tracy eventually ends up back at Motormouth Maybelle’s record shop so she can hide there without considering how dangerous it would be for Motormouth to harbor a fugitive of the law.  

The next day is the Miss Teen Hairspray competition broadcast at WYZT, and with Tracy being wanted by the police, they have to sneak her into the station.  She bum-rushes the set to sing a song with a now-enlightened Link about not stopping progress, while also inviting Motormouth Maybelle’s daughter, Little Inez, on stage to dance.  Everybody calls-in to vote for her because the only racist people in Baltimore run the television station, and Little Inez is crowned Miss Teen Hairspray.  Amber is like fine with it even though her mom isn’t, and everyone dances and sings to celebrate that “The Corny Collins” show is now integrated!  Meanwhile, I’m left wondering why Amanda Bynes was forced to wear a dress that she can’t move her legs in, even though they knew she would participate in the show’s closing dance number.  The end.

Oh, and there’s also a whole B plot where Velma tries to fuck Tracy’s dad and Tracy’s mom finds out and gets upset for like 30 seconds.  This is immediately resolved by a song and dance number among a bunch of laundry.

This movie is fine and competent or whatever, but for some reason it just rubs me the entirely wrong way.  Tracy constantly says that the 1960s are changing for people who are different, implying that an overweight white teen also knows what it’s like to be discriminated against in the same way black people are.  The movie does roll its eyes at some of her most tone-deaf “I’m an overenthusiastic ally” moments, like “I wish every day was Negro Day!” and “This is afro-tastic!”, but it also goes out of its way to talk about how much Tracy has helped the black community.  Like, by doing what?  Being fat and on TV?  That being said, she does use her privilege to feature black dancers on a major television broadcast, so by the end of the movie she becomes the person everyone says she is.  Also, I’m a dumb, overweight, white, middle-aged woman, so I’m not the right person to get all indignant about a well-intentioned feel-good Broadway musical.

Final thoughts: If you love bright colors, cheese, and sincere, glossy reflections of the 1960s civil rights movement written by a bunch of white dudes, this movie is for you.

[heyyyharry]

Be Here

(from the Flatmate!Harry Series)

…in which Y/N has to go home for two weeks and Harry misses her terribly.

Warning: nothing, there’s only fluff in this one haha. Also I just updated my flatmate masterlist. If you notice, I update every time I post a new part so you guys will know what the next part is gonna be. *wink wink*

“Do you really have to go?” Harry whines, pouting like a little boy on his flatmate’s bed while watching her pack for her trip back home, away from him for two long weeks.

“Yes, I do,” answers Y/N as she continues folding her clothes. “Violet needs me.”

Violet is Y/N’s best friend from high school. They’re very close, she’s like the sister Y/N wishes she had. That’s why when Y/N received the phone call from John, her other best friend (also Violet’s boyfriend) telling her Violet had just got into a car accident and was staying in a hospital, she knew she couldn’t hesitate, even if Violet was just slightly injured.

“But I need you.” Harry quickly realizes what he just said and has to come up with a good excuse for those accidental words, “without you I’m going to starve, I’m the assistant, not the chef.”

Y/N pauses to smile at her flatmate. “You cooked me soup once.”

“Yeah after four fucking hours in the kitchen!” Harry widens his eyes, raising both of his eyebrows. “And, you hated it.”

“I didn’t!”

“Well, did you love it?”

“Not really.”

“Then you hated it.”

“So order a pizza then!” Y/N giggles as she puts the last piece of clothing into her suitcase, then closes it to move from the floor to her bed, sitting down next to Harry. “You sound as if your life hadn’t begun until you met me.”

It almost feels like it, says the voice inside Harry’s head.

“Two weeks’ too long.” He frowns.

The way he’s looking at her at the moment almost makes Y/N change her mind, but she knows she cannot fall for that. She has made a promise to herself to not let her feelings take over whenever she’s with him (which she fails most of the times, but definitely not this one). After the other night when she literally confessed her feelings for him and he replied with only silence, she knew it was hopeless, and it’d be best if they stayed friends, though it’s just so hard when he keeps sending her mixed signals like this.

With a soft smile, she tells him, “I’ll be back before you know it.”

...

Harry sets his alarm at 5 in the morning the next day so he can see Y/N one last time before she leaves. It’s not like she’d be gone for years, or even months, it’s only two weeks, but Harry starts to miss her already. He helps her bring her luggage to the taxi parked outside the building, complaining about how she should just let him drive her, but Y/N constantly tells him she’ll be fine on her own.

As the taxi driver opens the door for Y/N, she turns to stare at Harry one last time with a longing look on her face.

“I’ll see you in two weeks. Try not to burn our flat down.” She gives him a timid smile and receives one in return.

“I’ll try.” I’ll miss you a whole lot... “Take care, okay?” ...and I love you.

There are so many things both of them need to tell the other person before they separate. Such words remain unspoken as they stand still for what seems like three seconds, craving for a hug (or more) but neither is brave enough to take the initiative. Y/N eventually gets into the backseat of the vehicle and closes the door. 

Watching the taxi slowly disappear from sight, Harry wishes she could take him with her.

...

“Finally, some men time!” Niall cheers as he throws his arm around Harry’s neck, causing his best friend to stumble forward. This morning, Harry ran into Niall in the lecture hall and told him the bad news that Y/N would be gone for a while, Niall’s first reaction was the complete opposite of Harry’s.

“Oh, come on, I’m sure I can make you happy too.” Niall pinches Harry’s cheek as a joke, but Harry is quick to remove his best friend’s arm and push him away with a slight sneer.

“Sure you can.” 

“I’m going to pretend it wasn’t sarcasm.” Niall slightly shakes his head and adjusts his backpack straps as they’re heading to the parking lot. “But, mate, you haven’t spent much time with me and the boys ever since you’ve got a girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Harry replies with a straight face. “She won’t ever be.”

“Are you seriously still lying about not being in love with Y/N?”

“Feelings is a topic we’ve been avoiding since the other night.”

“You’re just gonna let her go after all the things she said?”

“I’m doing what’s best for her.”

“Jesus! You’re like some angsty teenager, Harold!” Niall’s eyes are rolled skyward. “You know what you need? A night out, some beer. How about tonight?”

Harry reaches his car and pulls out the key from his pocket. “Not sure mate. Y/N will probably call me tonight.”

Niall opens the door on the passenger side and stands with one arm resting on the top of it, squinting his eyes at Harry. “If you keep acting like you two are dating, what will happen when she’s got a boyfriend, huh?”

Ignoring his friend’s remark, Harry gets into the driver seat and buckles up his seatbelt, leaving Niall thinking his advice is like water off a duck’s back. But the truth is, what Niall said has really got Harry thinking. 

...

Y/N’s best friend, Violet, is fine. She’s got a broken leg and a few shallow cuts on her face, which will eventually heal and won’t leave any scar according to the doctor. She’s just unable to leave the hospital bed at the moment so Y/N has to spend a lot of time here. But seeing how her presence makes her best friend so content is enough to warm Y/N’s heart.

“Check this out!” Violet pulls her boyfriend closer by the arm to show him a meme on her phone, which makes both of them burst into laughter.

“Where’s the lie?”

Violet snorts at John’s comment. “You know, whenever I hear that question, I automatically think of the whole nine seasons of How I Met Your Mother.”

“Right?!” Y/N, who’s sitting on the armchair by her friend’s bed, joins in. “I made Harry watch the entire nine seasons with me, but he refused to watch the last episode, because of the ending.”

It doesn’t take Y/N more than two seconds to notice the way her two best friends are looking at her.

“And I mentioned Harry again...” She presses her lips together and shifts her eyes immediately back to the opened book on her lap, blushing a little bit when she hears Violet’s soft giggles.

“What are you two gonna do about this?” Violet questions, clearly interested in her friend’s love life.

“Nothing, I guess? He literally said nothing when I talked about my feelings so maybe that’s our solution.”

“Are you serious or sarcastic? Sometimes I can’t even tell,” says John, but the girls ignore him anyway.

"You should never leave a problem unresolved, especially when it comes to feelings. Do as I say, when you get home, straight off tell him ‘I’m fucking in love with you so if you don’t feel the same, we can’t be friends’.”

Y/N puckers her forehead as a response to her girl friend’s advice. “What if he doesn’t feel the same? I can’t just move out!”

“Oh, he feels the same, trust me.”

“Vi, you haven’t even met him.”

John cuts in, “you told us he kept begging you to stay. This guy’s kind of obsessed with you.”

“He is not. He just...wants me there because I cook for him and remind him to do chores.”

Violet stares at Y/N, frustration crinkles her eyes. “It seems to me that you just don’t want to believe he has feelings for you but doesn’t do anything about it, so you try to convince yourself he doesn’t like you at all. I’m sorry to inform you sister, this boy is obviously in love with you, and he’s probably just scared of not being good enough to come forward and admit it. You should just give him time or even a little push, because apparently, this is as new to Harry as it is to you.”

“I...” Y/N is taken aback. “I never thought of it that way.”

"Trust me, I’m an expert when it comes to love.” Violet throws an arm around her boyfriend’s neck, laying her head on his shoulder. “Right baby?”

“Can’t agree more!” John smiles then leans down to peck Violet’s on the lips, the sight of them being heads over heels for one another never fails to put a beam on Y/N’s face. She’s always adored her best friends’ relationship, the real-life high school lovers concept in every teen movie, and it’d be a lie to say she doesn’t crave things like these once in a while. 

Y/N’s not lucky like Violet, she’s experienced love in all the worst ways. Her first boyfriend, Will, whom she lost her first kiss to, cheated on her not so long before Prom night. She then lost the second important first, her virginity, to her Prom date whose name was Brad and he left the next morning before she woke and never called her again. Her second relationship was with an older boy named Noah, it was just a brief fling in the summer before she entered university. He used distance as an excuse to break up with her, but she wasn’t so bitter about it, she didn’t like him that much anyway. 

So looking back, it’s a shame to admit, she’d never really been in love until she met Harry. He’s the biggest plot twist in her life so far, and she’s glad that certain things happened the way they did to lead her to him. 

...

"The wifi sucks! I can’t hear you! Give me a sec,” Harry says in annoyance as he ends the video call and tries to call Y/N again. Her face pops back up on the screen, smiling at him, this time in much better quality.

“Can you hear me now?”

“Yeah.” Harry nods, smiling back. “Where was I?”

“You were telling me about-”

Y/N’s interrupted, this time by some muffled shouting in Harry’s background.

“Is the TV on?” she asks, but he shakes his head ‘no’ then turns around to look over his shoulder.

“Our neighbors are arguing.”

“Ben and Mark?”

“Yup.” Harry rolls his eyes. “Can’t you believe we were like that when we first moved in? Now I feel sorry for our neighbors back then.”

“We’re friends now, thank God.” 

Y/N’s choice of word leaves Harry a little uneasy. How is he suddenly so uncomfortable with her referring to them as ‘friends’? That’s what they are, that’s what he wants them to be. Right? Is it because them being friends also means she can be with someone else and he cannot do anything about it? Or maybe because recently it doesn’t feel like they’re friends anymore. They’ve been video-calling almost every night and texting throughout the day during these two weeks. She’ll be home before noon tomorrow, and then what? He doesn’t want to just go back to being somewhere in-between and risking losing her to someone else. What Niall said two weeks ago has really done him damage. 

Well, speaking of Niall...

“Harry, lend me your car keys!” Harry’s best friend bursts through the front door just in time Harry stands up from the sofa to go get a glass of water.  Niall doesn’t see Y/N on the screen since the laptop screen is turned away from him.

“I’ll be right back,” Harry says to Y/N. Niall, however, thinks that sentence is for him. He watches his friend disappear into his room and suddenly feels the phone vibrate, notifying him of a call.

“Hello?” answers Niall. Y/N stays silent while she’s waiting for her flatmate to return. 

“Yeah, Harry and I will definitely be at the party. Did Lara ask you to ask me this? I know she doesn’t care about me and only wants to make sure Harry will show up.”

Niall laughs, unaware that Y/N’s been listening this whole time. “She was all over him the last time. Sure Harry told me he thought she was hot but...Look, just tell her she’s on her own this time, I’m not going to be her wingman or whatsoever. Okay? Good.”

The phone call ends just in time Harry returns with his car key, sighing happily as he gives it to Niall. “Almost thought I lost it.”

“Thanks. See you at the party tonight, mate?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Harry replies indifferently and watches his friend make the exit. Once Niall’s gone, Harry returns to his previous spot on the sofa, Y/N’s still there, but she doesn’t look as happy as she was just a minute ago. Harry can tell right away.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. As usual, when it comes to this question, she lies.

“Nothing. My mum called. I gotta go.”

“But I was in the middle of telling you the cat story.”

“Tell me when I get back.” 

“But-”

The chat window disappears before Harry can even finish his sentence, leaving him shocked and confused at the same time.

...

It’s two in the morning. How ironic it is that all the interesting things usually happen to Y/N at two in the morning, whether she’s asleep or awake. This time, Y/N’s still lost in dreamland when she receives a voice call from her flatmate. She normally doesn’t answer calls at this hour, but the moment she sees his name on the screen, she does it without pause.

“Y/N?” His voice is raspy. She guesses that he’s either drunk or just woke up, or maybe both.

“Harry, why are you calling me?”

“’Cause I miss you.” 

Yup, definitely drunk.

“Are you still at the party, Harry?” Y/N calmly asks as she flips onto her back, her arm comes to rest on top of her forehead.

“No, Niall drove me home...with a pretty girl.”

Y/N feels a lump in her throat. “Is the pretty girl still there with you?”

“Of course not! She tried to kiss me but I told her no, no, noooo.” She can imagine him wiggling his forefinger from left to right drunkenly and the thought of it makes her smile. 

“So you’re home alone now?” 

“Yesss.”

And the next thing he says really gets her staring at the ceiling with cow eyes.

“Don’t want to be with anyone else, I just want you.”

She doesn’t know exactly how to response to that. She doesn’t even know if she can count on his drunken words to draw a conclusion! But what else can you possibly think when someone just blurts out that they want you only? 

Despite the reply of silence, Harry carries on with his speech anyway, “have you noticed...how I’ve stopped going out and inviting girls over?”

She has. She just doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, though it makes her glad, undoubtedly.

“I just want you...No other girls,” he repeats as if to make a statement. 

Y/N’s biting hard on her bottom lip, trying to come up with something to say to him but her mind is empty at the moment.

“I wish you were here. When will you come back home, Y/N?”

“Tomorrow morning,” she finally speaks, fingers pinching her bottom lip slightly. His voice sounds so soothing, she knows if she continues this conversation, she may not be able to wake up on time, but she cannot help it, she finds comfort in what he’s saying and how he’s saying it a bit way too much.

“Do you miss meeeee?” Harry asks another question, stretching out the final word in a playful tone. Can he be any cuter? Y/N thinks, beaming to herself.

“I do, very much. But only a few hours more and I’m there with you.”

“Okay...you should go to bed, it’s late. Don’t want you to be sick...”

Y/N snorts in response to his reminder, since he was the one who came between her and her sleep. “You should too. I’ll be home when you wake up.”

“Okay, good night, love,” Harry says softly. “Just know that...I love you very much...”

Just like that, Harry hangs up. Y/N lies in the same position, staring at the ceiling, her phone’s still on her ear. With her lips slightly parted and a shock expression on her face, she nearly shuts down her entire system for almost a minute, just because of those five words Harry said to her on the phone. 

She feels so good, no, she’s over the moon! But at the same time, worried, maybe scared? Harry wasn’t sober! He probably won’t remember anything tomorrow morning! But people say you’re most honest when you’re drunk, does that means he was telling the truth, that he loved her very much? But what if he just thought he loved her because he was in a vulnerable state? What if he changes his mind once he’s been refreshed?

Y/N, now drowning in her own inquiries, decides that she won’t be going back to sleep.

...

Harry’s brushing his teeth when he hears the front door open and shut. In a flash, he manages to finish his morning routine, throws on a white t-shirt, and almost trips over a few objects on his bedroom floor as he rushes to the living room. 

The moment Y/N sees Harry after two weeks apart, she takes no time to literally jump ontop of him. Harry has his arms secured around her waist, eyes opened wide as he’s amazed by his ability to keep the two of them in balance and how he didn’t get knocked over by her sudden attack. Y/N locks her arms around her flatmate’s neck, her legs around his waist leaving no space between them.

“I’m home!” she finally says, making Harry chuckle. His face is in her hair and he cannot enjoy this moment anymore than this.

“Yeah, I know. You just jumped on me.”

Y/N pulls her face away from Harry’s neck to look at him. This is the most intimate they’ve been to each other, her lips are just a few inches away from his and the way his minty breath is fanning her face makes her want to kiss him so bad.

“Are you happy I’m home?” she asks.

“Too happy,” he answers.

Then comes another question from Y/N, “do you have anything you want to tell me?” 

This one leaves Harry thinking for a second before he says, “welcome home?” 

The look of disappointment on Y/N’s face really says it all, she jumps off of him and turns to leave. However, Harry grabs onto her wrist just in time to pull her back into his arms.

“I love you,” he finally says, face buried in the crook of her neck, arms tightened around her waist. There’s no turning back now that the words are finally spoken, but his inner self is jumping for joy as he finally gets the heavy weight off his chest. 

Harry feels Y/N hands move from her sides up to his back, then stop at the back of his head, her fingers locked in his hair. He cannot see her face, little does he know, she’s in seventh heaven right now.

“What? You thought I didn’t remember what I’d said? I wasn’t that drunk.”

Y/N immediately pulls away and smacks him on the arm, making the poor boy jump in shock.

“Hey! What was that for?!”

“Why didn’t you just say it like a normal person huh?!” She tries to look pissed, but the radiant in her eyes say otherwise. “Why didn’t you say anything when I fucking poured my heart out for you, asshole?!”

Harry cracks up and reaches out for her hands, at first she shrugs him off but eventually lets him hold them anyway. She hates that he knows she’s loving it, the smug on his face is just so attractively despicable.

“I was really scared!” he confesses, the way his green eyes are looking at her lets her know that he’s being genuine. “I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I thought it’d be better if I let you go and eventually be with someone more worthy.”

“What made you change your mind then?”

“Well, not gonna lie but it’s alcohol.”

“You’re just begging for me to punch you, yeah?” She widens her eyes, but grinning this time.

“Okay, okay, just messing with you.” Harry wraps her arms around his waist so he can stand closer to her like before, a cheeky grin spreads across his lips. 

“One night last week I sat down and thought of two possible outcomes.” He raises one finger. “One, if I let you go, it’s not unlikely that you’ll end up with an asshole who’s even less worthy than me, then I’ll have to beat him up and see you cry for another guy.” Then another. “Two, if I give us a chance, I can try my best not to be an asshole and make you happy, in this case I won’t have to beat up anyone. I went for the latter option.”

Y/N squints her eyes at him. “Gosh, why am I so lucky to fall for someone this romantic?”

“Stooooop, you make me blush!” he rolls his eyes and they both laugh.

“So...” Harry trails off, not taking his eyes off the girl in front of him, secretly wondering to himself why he didn’t meet her sooner. 

“Will you let me kiss you now?” he asks to receive a look of surprise from his flatmate.

“Are you seriously asking for my permission to kiss me? Who are you?!”

“Just so you know I’m also very blessed to fall for someone this romantic.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” says Y/N. Now both of them are sure that the only thing stays constant in their relationship after this moment is how they just enjoy being sarcastic to each other. 

“You’re allowed to kiss me then.” Y/N nods happily, and judging by the way Harry’s been staring at her lips this whole time, he wants this as much as she does. With no hesitation, Harry attaches his mouth to hers, eagerly yet gently. It’s like all the suppressed feelings from the past weeks are put into this one kiss. He’s been dreaming of how she’s tasted for so long so this is like a dream comes true. Of course this is not the first kiss for neither of them, but without any doubt, the first kiss that’s actually meaningful.

And as they pull away, breathless, Y/N finally tells Harry what he thinks he’ll never forgets.

“I love you too.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #213

"there's a voice in my head, says i'm better off dead, but if i sing along a little fucking louder to a happy song, i'll be all right."

Are there popsicles in your freezer right now? No. Ice cream? No. Is there a lamp in your bedroom? Well, two heat lamps for Kaiju and Venus. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Yikes, it's been a long time... Can you name 2 books of the Bible? Uhhh Luke and Revelations? Do people usually think your brother is handsome? I don't know, I haven't lived with him since I was a kid, and he doesn't live in my state. So we don't know the same people. Have you ever crawled thru a vent? Not to my memory. Are there toothpicks in your kitchen? They're in the bathroom. How many living grandparents do you have? One. Do you eat more than 3 meals a day? No; I don't even always have three. Do you know how old your house is? I believe it was made in the '70s. Do you think you have great potential for success? Meh. Have you applied any lipstick, chapstick, gloss, etc to your lips today? No. Would you rather have tan or pale skin color? Pale. Sometimes I hate it, but I like it more overall. Especially when you're a goth at heart know what I'm sayin'. Last time you entered a high school? Probably my sister's graduation. Last time you rode a bike? It's been years, dude. Probably not since high school. Do you drink your water from the tap? You couldn't pay me to. Our water is technically clean, we've had it tested, but dead serious, the hot water smells like rotten eggs. I'm pretty sure Mom said it's something about the salt content in the pipes. But nevertheless, mind over matter would nooot work. Is there any kind of design on your socks? I'm not wearing socks. Have you ever had an ice cream cake for your birthday? No, I'm not a fan. Do you use dryer sheets? Yes. Do you like Subway? Yeah. What was your worst mistake in your life? Letting a guy become god, the entire universe, and more to me. Is this year the best year of your life? Oh, hunny- Is there someone in your life you wish you never met? I don't think so. Did you sleep well last night? I never do. I always wake up at least once. What’s the last song you heard? "Happy Song" by Bring Me The Horizon is on repeat. What is your favorite line from a TV show? I don't have a clue. Any current family issues? No. Who is the last friend you spent time with outside of school? Summer and I talked for a while at my niece's b-day party a few days back. What do you think of your mother? Your father? Your siblings (if there are any)? I love them. There's one sister I don't know so can't really say anything on her, then I do have another sister who, if I can assume via Facebook interactions, can't be too fond of me. But I could be mistaken with my habit of said assuming... Who/What is one person/thing that had the biggest impact on your life? Who: Jason. What: my mental health. What is the biggest problem in your life right now? How isolated I am and void of purpose I feel. What is one band that you find yourself going back to again and again? You mean like, stop liking but then get back into? None, I think. Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender as you? Yes. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you? Yes. Do you and your dad get along? Yes. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive for? Idk. Can you see your purse right now? Yes. Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? No. Are there products in your hair? No. Have you ever eaten cat food? I don't think so, though I wouldn't be surprised as a kid. How many pets do you have? Six. Do you actually like them? All but my sister's dog. I can't stand him. Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? My girlfriend. Do you wear skirts a lot? I never do. I hate my legs. Do you basically live in jeans? I have zero jeans. Do you wear sweatpants a lot? Not really; if I'm not in pjs, I'm usually in dance or yoga pants. How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? Zero. Do you like hoodies? Yeah. Big ones or the form fitting kind? Bigger ones. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? I think I did. Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? I go back and forth, lol. But no, I have regrets. Do you love your computer? It's got a few issues, but yeah. Do friends or family come first? Family of the heart, anyway. Us sharing blood doesn't mean shit to me, honestly. What’s your lucky number? I don't believe in "lucky" numbers. Who were the last 5 people you spoke to? I'll include via technology because otherwise I have no clue. Mom, Sara, Emma, and two women interested in adopting Kaiju. Do you have the same password for everything? No. Do you get shy around the person you like? Sometimes. What color is your phone? Dark navy. Do you prefer pens or pencils? Pencils. Do you like peanut butter? Yes. If you could live forever, would you? Hell no. Do you talk in your sleep? A lot. What was the last thing you regretted? Probably depression binge-eating something. Are you any good at cutting hair? Never tried. Do you like your yearbook picture this year? N/A What was the last YouTube video to make you laugh? Ummm there was something last night, but idr what. Do you like tomatoes? No. Do you have a pool? I wish. How would you describe your style? Too poor and lazy to be a goth so dresses in whatever is at the top of my drawer tbh lmao. Do you still talk to any of your exes? One. Have you ever been arrested? No. What was the last thing you watched on TV? I don't watch TV by my own volition anymore and there's not even a TV in my room, so... I really don't know. Do you have a tan? Even the Irish are ashamed of me. What was your most embarrassing moment? Who knows. I'm so easily humiliated and affected by it that I can remember times I've been even remotely embarrassed as far back as pre-k. Do you fall for people fast? No. Do you tell your parents everything? No. Are you quick to judge? Depends. Not generally. When was the last time you crawled through a window? I have zero clue. Are you scared of spiders? Most, yes. What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Have a full-blown panic attack despite that being physically impossible. Do you plan on moving within the next year? It'd be nice, but I estimate it'll be around two more years. Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Hm. A few, since the parking area behind the house is decently-sized. Are you taller than your mom? No. Are you a cuddler? Yes. Sleep on your back or stomach? My stomach/upper torso kinda to the side. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? I don't remember. Though I know I was mad recently. How long has it been since you had sex? Almost four years. Who was the last person to call you babe? Sara. Last reason you went to the ER? My sister got in a car wreck. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yeah. When was the last time you shaved your legs? It's been maaaany months. What facial cleanser do you use? Biore. Do you use a blowdryer? No. If someone wanted to know what you smelt like, what should they smell? Dogs and cats lmao. Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now? No. For that one week a month, do you hate being a woman? Still rather be a woman. Favorite underwear brand? Idk. Last thing you bought at the mall? A book. Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend? Yes. What if an ex asked to be back in your life? Aaron: We've never had issues, we just drifted apart. It'd be weird for him to ask that, but I mean, sure? Juan: I don't know. Probably not. Jason: I REALLY don't know. We could probably be friends at a distance. Tyler: No, I think. Girt: He's still in my life. If you’re on a laptop, how much charge does it have right now? It's charging and only tells me the minutes until it's at full charge. Last gift you received? I don't know. Lesson you recently learned? I absolutely cannot work in a busy environment. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Probably ketchup. What is a field of study that is of your interest? Zoology. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Thinking too hard on what the appropriate amount of eye contact is. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeah. What time of day do you feel mostly at peace? Morning. How has the weather been treating you lately? It's way too fucking hot and humid. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? We've had numerous cats be hit by cars. It was always sad, but I mean, I got through it. Especially as I was just a kid and didn't quite fathom how serious death was, nor did any cats I was SUPER attached to die that way. What can you go a day without doing? Going outside. What can’t you go a day without doing? Using some form of technology. Talking to Sara. Who do you spend most of your time with? No one. I'm usually alone. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? A caring heart. Have you ever eaten a zucchini? A fried one that was sliced into chips. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Dark art or fandom-related stuff. What goes good with a nice cold glass of milk? Oreos omggggg. What fruit is too sweet to you? None, I think? How much money did your last vacation cost? I don't even remember my last vacation. Have you ever taken a physics class? Yeah. What are your thoughts on celebrity idolization and ‘fangirling/fanboying?’ Oh boy, I can't talk shit here for obvious reasons lmao. What is the messiest area in your home? I'm not sure... I haven't been in my sister's old room in forever, and I can't remember if it's empty or not. If it is empty - hell, even if it isn't -, the answer's probably the laundry room. Who was the last person you called? My mom. What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror is my favorite game genre period. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Well, Mom had mixed feelings about Juan, but so did I. She didn't not like him, though. Do you take public transportation to work? N/A. Public transport doesn't even come here. What extracurricular activities did you do when you were growing up? Soccer for one season (I hated it), softball, basketball, briefly cheerleading, and dance. Has anything unusual happened to you recently? Idk. I don't think so. Do you like chicken korma? I have no clue what that is. What was the last type of tea you drank? I never drink tea; I hate it. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? Yes. Where is the most interesting place you could go that’s within day-trip distance from your house? Stealing previous answer: Washington D.C. Do you ever rearrange your furniture? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? Lol I'm still financially dependent on them. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I am an extremely fast eater. I'm not messy or anything, I just, eat how I feel is normal? Just chew until you've done so enough to swallow. What room(s) of your house did you last vacuum? Mine. How old were you when you had your first relationship? My first "real" relationship started at 15. I had a middle school bf for just like... a month or so, but that was all puppy-dog love. Why did your last relationship end? I verified that I didn't like him romantically, and I also found I was just too guarded. In our four months of dating, I got no closer to him than I was from the start. I wasn't ready to date a guy again. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? No idea. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Do you live in a high cost-of-living area? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Do you ever feel like someone would be disappointed to see your body or are you comfortable with your body enough where you don’t think that? I fucking hate my body and I'm sure anyone else would too. What is your favorite flavor of Monster? I don't like Monster. Do you follow your head or your heart? Both, I guess. It depends. How do you act under pressure? Did somebody say PANIC?!?!?!?! Do you ever call people just to hear the sound of their voice? No. Do you ever look back at your yearbooks? No. It'd probably depress me. Have you ever ran from the police? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yeah, back as a kid... Are you double jointed? No. Who was the last person to yell at you? Mom. What is your favorite stuffed animal that you own? My first stuffed meerkat I named after Zaphod from MM. Or my moose Brownie. Do you have any trophies? Somewhere. Do you work out? No. What grade are you in? I’m not in school. Do you like screamo music? No. Let me hear words, please. If I learn the lyrics, I can /sometimes/ enjoy the song, though. What does your wallet look like? It's rectangular with a Harley Quinn design. Do you have any hickeys on you? No. Is weed a drug? *Technically*, by definition, yes Who’s the first person you turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on? Mom or Sara. Would you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No, that's fucking stupid. If you got pregnant right now, would you keep the baby? If I was, God forbid, raped, I don't think I could. If I had unprotected sex willingly, I truly think pregnancy would traumatize me, but I'd probably go through with it and put it up for adoption. I'd want to take responsibility for my actions. Does your family have a secret? No. Are you prejudice against any groups of people? No. If someone gave you a houseplant, would you keep it? Yeah, to be nice. That fella wouldn't live long, though. When/where are you most likely to sing? In the car. Are there any exercises that you do regularly? I'm trying to get in the habit of planking every day since it works out your whole body. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? HELL YES!!!! If you had a son right now, what would you name him? Probably Damien. Who names their son after a Markiplier character? Me. But real talk, I like the name. Do you own a desktop or a laptop? A laptop. Have you kissed more than three guys this year? I haven't kissed any guys. Who’s with you? Mom's on the couch outside my door. Can you use chopsticks? I highly doubt it, especially because I have tremors. When did you last go to an amusement park? Oh, wow. I actually think this was shortly before Jason and I broke up. So 2015. Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Don't you fucking dare joke about rape, retardation, suicide, or self-harm. What would you do if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both females. We can't. Your phone is ringing. It’s your ex. What do you say? I don't have any of my exes' numbers, so I'd answer it and say "hello?". Are any of your texts in your inbox locked? A couple from Sara. If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard, could you still type? Yes; I don't look at the keyboard when I type. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Twice now. Do you currently have a scar? I have a lot. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? No. You have $5 and need to buy snacks at a petrol station. What do you buy? I mean, it depends on what I'm up for. Usually Reese's or something sour. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be? Probably a dolphin. What do you order most off the internet? Clothes. Describe the last time you were injured? So I have this awful habit of tearing my fingernails when they get long, and I peeled it way too short. Rock concert or symphony? Y'all know I'm picking rock. What is the wallpaper of your mobile phone? Mark and Chica, and my home screen is Sara and me. Most recent movie you’ve watched at the cinema? Detective Pikachu. Name an actor/actress you’ve had the hots for? Jason Momoa. My straight side is certainly still there, friends. What’s your favorite kind of cake? Red velvet. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. Have you ever done ballet? No. Do you listen to classical music? No. Do you watch Spongebob? I don't watch TV period. Do people consider you intelligent? Those in my life seem stuck on high school me, when I was really smart. I don't think I am anymore. What curse word do you use the most? "Fuck," oops. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Well yeah, I'm probably gonna BE that person one day, lmao. What’s the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? It's impossible to mispronounce my name... The only thing that sometimes happens is my name is misspelled.

[lalast0ne]

Killer coffee

Layla

For the first time in forever, I hadn’t spent Thanksgiving with my parents.

With me still refusing to see or talk to Ruby, I’d made the decision that it would be best to stay home with Wilder and Jake, my little family, just the three of us. The fact we hadn’t stayed at home but ventured to the club, to eat dinner with hundreds of other people, was by the by. 

Mom had about had a breakdown when I’d told her. Her insistence that we “had to go” had just made me dig my heels in even more. Dad had been disappointed but had understood, eventually, when I’d said I didn’t want to ruin the holiday for anyone and I wasn’t about to force myself in to a situation that I just wasn’t ready to face either. 

I knew it was getting to the point I needed to suck it up. My ignoring Ruby had probably gone on long enough and I couldn’t let it go one forever.  Truth be told, I missed my sister. 

Wilder and I had made the decision to open the restaurant on Thanksgiving and it was a decisions I don’t regret at all.   It was a little surprising how many families were wanting to eat out and the price they were willing to pay for a three course meal.  Even with the staff overheads, paying the triple time as a good gesture for working, we had come out in a pretty decent position. The two sittings through the day meant that we had fed close to 400 people.

As soon as Thanksgiving is done, we enter silly season.  Christmas spirit hd a lot to answer for.  People used it as an excuse to get drunk, be merry and spend a fortune. Anyone and everyone who walked thru the doors of The Steele Cage was no exception.

I browse the bookings for the next week with a huge grin, clicking away on the mouse as I start shifting parties around like a game of tetras to see if we can accommodate anyone else.  We’re fully booked.

“It’s no good. I’ve tried.” I look over my shoulder at the owner of the voice and chuckle “Several times in fact.” James, the new restaurant manager, smiles as he makes his way round the bar then tackles the coffee machine as I turn back at my screen and resume clicking while I mumble to myself “There’s got to be one more table here somewhere.” He laughs placing the perfect cappuccino in front of me “Here. Try this.  A new supplier has been on my case for weeks trying to get a foot in the door.  He stopped by this morning and dropped off some samples for us to try.  Was real insistent that management try them.” I roll my eyes, lifting the drink to my lips and blowing the steam from the surface as I climb from my chair, snapping my laptop closed with the other hand. 

I have no desire to change my supplier yet.  I get a reasonable price on amazing quality coffee but, a little taste test doesn’t hurt anyone “Fine, I’ll try.  But you already know my answer.”

James nods in agreement, laughing as he starts pulling glasses from the washer, calling after me as I head out “I know, I know. I made no promises.”

“Good! Because we don’t make promises we can’t keep. I’ll be in the office if you need me.”

Wilder

*Holidays come and go, not fast enough in my opinion. Everything was so commercialized these days. You couldn’t even enjoy one without the next holiday ruining the day. I’m not a fan of any of them but my wife.....and I will deny if asked, as made it so I enjoy one or two of them. Thanksgiving being one of them. Who does not enjoy a day with lots of food and maybe family? Especially when you like your family. It’s not something I’m used to. But this year has been different. Two stubborn and yes I said it, sisters will not talk to each other and I was deprived cannoli pie. A staple her mother makes for me after my first time being invited into their house. Cannoli pie. Need I say more. 

I stalk into the club with Killer right behind me and ignore the look James gives me. He knows better than to utter one word in my direction. He gave off a vibe that pissed me off. I did not want to hire him but Layla and Salem would not stop going on and on about him. I prayed he would have some dirt in his past that I would dig up on his background check but he slid through with not even a speck. Asshole. I was highly disappointed that James was squeaky clean and now was an employee. More than employee. A manager. I ignored his stares and looked around the restaurant, going behind the bar to make sure everything that was ordered had arrived. This was Layla’s domain but I loved to rile her up by moving things around. I knew exactly what was ordered and when any delivery was made. I grab a bottle of water and notice a different brand of coffee or that fancy shit they make, on the bar. I pick up the box, Killer running ahead of me to the office. I drop the box on the couch and glare at my dog as he is all over Layla. I push her chair away from the desk and plant myself between her and Killer, leaning down and bite her neck.* I thought we agreed to fire James. He screwed up this week’s order. *Killer now sniffing the screw up in question.*

Layla

*a smile tugs at my lips when I hear the familiar stamp of boots coming along the corridor and the jingle of a chain. I knew this would be a problem. Your dislike of James is something I still can’t fathom and I have no intention of firing him simply because you don’t like him. The annoyance in your voice is apparent with the first word spoken and refuse to look up, making a fuss of the pup as his head lands in my lap, until I have no choice. With a swift bite of my neck, you pull back to look at me, a serious look on your face* No. You made it Known that you don’t like him. We never agreed to fire him and I’m certainly not getting rid of him because he’s under ordered a couple of times. *I reach past you   to grab my coffee, smiling sweetly as my lips wrap over the rim of the cup* It’s coming into a busy time, baby. Firing him and trying to retrain someone else in December would be a terrible idea.

Wilder

Under ordered? *I take your coffee cup from you and set it on the desk.* He over ordered and this is not the first time I have found extra fancy coffee shit. Does he have trouble with numbers? I will gladly send him back to elementary school. All expenses paid if he needs to learn to count. They even make a TV program for it. It has that huge ass bird and trash can grump on it. The bitch used to make me watch it. At least she was good for something.

Layla

*My eyebrows pull together and reach for my coffee again, draining the cup, as I point to the box that Killer is currently is sniffing around* That wasn’t an order. That was dropped off by a vendor who is hoping to get on our list of suppliers. *I slap my lips together at the overly bitter, metallic taste that costs my tongue. I’m no coffee snob but that is vile* but we definitely won’t be using them. *I give a small shudder, lifting the cup once more and sniffing, shaking my head as I put it back on my desk* That’s the worst coffee I’ve ever had.

Wilder

LAYLA ROSE STEELE! *I come out of my chair when I hear your words and grab the coffee cup from you. I watch it shatter into pieces.* Every vendor and supplier we use, I run a background check on. The company, owners and employees. I know where they get their vehicles from. I do it to protect me but especially know to protect you. *Killer starts clawing at the box.* People would love to get to me which makes you an easy target.

Layla

*My jaw ticks at your overreaction. My eyes shifting between you and the mug which is now shattered all over the floor.* That was my favourite mug *If you were a cartoon character there would be steam coming from your ears right now. Your nostrils are flared and your stare down is only broken by Killer who is about to rip the box of coffee* Please stop him. I don’t want to have to clean up coffee beans too! *I rise up from my seat and head to the closet to retrieve the dustpan and brush. You don’t say a word but I can feel your eyes burning into my back as I bend down and start cleaning the mess. Only when I’m finished do I stand, with a slight wobble, dump the shattered mug in the bin and sigh as I meet your gaze* I’m sorry. But it’s just coffee. Disgusting too. So I’ll tell James to say thanks but no thanks. Ok?

Wilder

James gave you that cup of coffee? That same James who over ordered and is now fired? *Killer tears the box open, his bark alerting me.* Killer is trained to protect us and to know when something is present that shouldn’t be. *I grab him by the collar as he takes off to sniff the shattered cup, his barks coming even louder* Layla, drink my bottle of water NOW!

Layla

*I watch as the dog tears the box. Even when you’re shouting at me with the order to drink water, all I can think about is the mess currently spilt all over the floor.* Wilder, you’re over reacting. I’m fine. *I grab your bottle of water and hold it up to you, then take a large gulp, suddenly really thirsty.* Please stop him barking. I’m getting a headache. *I drain the rest of your bottle then reach into my own bag for the one I brought with me from home*

Wilder

I’m not overreacting. *I go through the contents of the box, lifting up the package of coffee to my nose.* This coffee is laced with something strong. *My heart drops as I whip my head around, Killer standing over you when you hit the floor.* FUCK! *I race over, dropping to my knees and cradle your head in my hands. I watch your eyes blink open and closed.* Layla, baby, stay with me. *I hear Salem at the door and yell at her to call 911 and Kingston. I lift you into my arms and listen to your heartbeat.*

Layla

*Its the strangest sensation washing thru me. I can hear you saying my name. Hear you telling me to stay with you, but I can respond. I force my eyes open again, looking at you. You have panic written all over your face. I know you’re going to be so angry with me when I snap out of whatever is happening to me. My sight starts to blur and my eyes roll back.  I hear you shout, I hear commotion and screaming and then I hear .... nothing.*

[gavillain]

So with the year about to close, I'm once again doing my annual Top Ten Villains of This Year list. My personal rule for doing this: these characters are judged solely on the merits of their 2017 appearances, and I'm not going to include any villain who has appeared on last year's list (which you can read here), even if they would still make the cut. So, basically, what I'm saying is no Cersei this year even though she was awesome XD Also bear in mind that this is only from media that I actually did this year, so forgive me if your favorite isn't here because I might not have seen them.

List under the cut

10. Mr. Yama (Big Hero 6)

The Big Hero 6 TV show pilot has promised probably the best Disney animated series in a long time, particularly given the return of Kim Possible and Buzz Lightyear of Star Command showrunners McCorkle and Schooley. Mr. Yama was a bit part in the original film who I never thought much of, so imagine my surprise when he came back as the starter villain of the show and was not only enjoyable but was memorable. I like how they took a bit part that was already established and used him as a way to introduce their unseen show original bigger bad. I've always been a sucker for crimebosses, so seeing Yama take on that role as the local gang leader who you don't want to fuck with was pretty cool. Also I thought he served a really nice balance between funny and intimidating. I really look forward to seeing what else this show has to offer!9. Jim Moriarty (Sherlock)

While the ultimate reveal that Moriarty was not, in fact, back from the dead was certainly a disappointment to me, damn if the new Moriarty content we got wasn't worth it. The main villain of this series was actually Eurus Holmes, Mycroft and Sherlock's mentally unstable sister, who set up an elaborate plan with Moriarty before his death. Eurus is cool too, but not really one who appeals to me that much. The big draw to the episode, in my opinion, was Moriarty's posthumous vengeance. Seeing him still flawlessly portrayed by Andrew Scott having the time of his life through flashbacks and video messages, Moriarty is still easily the most fun villain to watch on the show, and he hasn't lost a single beat. The way he's come to be sort of the devil on Sherlock's shoulder and a symbol of all evil in Sherlock's world has given him a sort of twisted immortality. Also, it must be said, him dramatically stepping out of the helicopter dancing to "I Want to Break Free" is nothing sort of AWESOME XD8. Euron Greyjoy (Game of Thrones)

Euron Greyjoy's transition from being a disappointing and uninteresting character to being a fabulous scene stealer btween seasons was one of the biggest hallmarks of the improvement in quality between season six and seven. He was definitely underused in the season, given his lower position on this list, but the way he confidently strutted up to Queen Cersei and started making innuendos and proposing mutual murdering is exactly the type of horrible person that I can get behind. The way he revels in bloodshed and totally decimated Yara and the Sand Snakes' forces and then paraded them through King's Landing as the triumphant "hero" was just wonderful. His actor has also definitely improved, becoming a lot more charismatic and unhinged in his portrayal, which not only made him more entertaining, but, in a way, more threatening. I love his alliance with Cersei, and I really look forward to seeing what those two cook up next season.7. Madame Hydra (Agents of SHIELD)

This was a great year for Marvel villains any way you slice it, with a couple more still yet to appear on this list. However, none have quite been as topical as the MCU's adaptation of Madame Hydra over in Agents of SHIELD. Madame Hydra is the alter ego of Aida in the virtual reality alternate universe of the Framework, which depicts a world totally conquered by Hydra. Marvel's gotten themselves into trouble lately with its use of Hydra, but this was a really good place for it. Depicting a totally dismal totalitarian state that the heroes have to fight to dismantle, showing the way Hydra pushes "alternative facts" through their "fake news" to push their agenda of "make the world great again." Yeah, as you can tell, this season goes hard in slamming the Trump administration and equating them with Hydra which the show goes out of its way to say "Hydra is a bunch of Nazis, every last one of them." It's pretty much exactly the type of heavy handed metaphor we needed right now, and Madame Hydra is at the head of it all with her cold ruthlessness and picture perfect page to screen transition. 6. Arthur Watts (RWBY)

RWBY has villain problems. There's no real way around it. And while Watts does have some of the issues that are endemic to the series, he's also been pretty consistently the element that I most look forward to seeing in a given episode of RWBY. With his posh and snarky personality constantly making him an entertaining addition to any given scene, he really reminds of that type of classic Disney villain mold we haven't seen in a while. This is a guy who would not at all be out of his element standing next to the likes of Jafar or Dr. Facilier, and that's high praise coming from me. The way he's manipulating and holding the leash on Professor Lionheart is really cool, and his sort of scientific inquisitiveness makes him stand out from the other villains quite nicely. He's the type of villain who gives me faith that investing in a series like RWBY isn't a waste of time, and I really look forward to see what they continue to do with him. Also, it must be said, his mustache game is too top tier to ignore.5. Hela (Thor: Ragnarok)

Well this was a pleasant surprise, wasn't it? An MCU movie villain who was actually one of the best parts of her given film. Ragnarok actually had several villains it, featuring a surprisingly fun version of Surtur, the hilarious Grandmaster, the conflicted Skurge, and the ever unpredictable Loki. Yet, Hela definitely stands tall as the best among all of them, in my opinion. Cate Blanchett does a great job with her, giving her a very Maleficent-esque persona that I had a lot of fun with. I really liked the undercurrents of colonial imperialism with her, and how Hela was bent on being unapologetically proud of Asgard's bloody history and continuing to subjugate "lesser" worlds. That's a neat and fresh angle to take the archetype of the power hungry villain. Also, damn was she impressive. With her power to make blades appear out of nowhere and how she was basically indestructible on Asgard, she was easily the most powerful feeling MCU villain yet. She just lends herself incredibly to almost every facet she was here to provide, and that easily warrants a place among the best villains of 2017 and the best of the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe.4. Uma and Harry (Descendants 2)

Descendants 2 was a let down overall, but the one element that exceeded all of my expectations were the new Villain Kids, especially Uma and Harry. Uma's great as a young and ambitious up and comer who wants all of the luxuries she was denied by basically being charged with the sins of her mother all while also wanting the recognition and adoration that she craves. Harry's great as a total psychopath who creates sexual tension with everyone he comes into contact with but doesn't really have any ambitions or the brains to make it on his own. Together, they make a fun duo with an interesting dynamic that seems to harken back to that sort of Lost Boys mother longing. I like their repartee a lot, their actors are absolutely phenomenal, and their villain song is really REALLY catchy. They have similarities to their parents, but they're not carbon copies by any means. Though I did really enjoy how Uma used Ursula's seashell hypnosis scheme on Prince Ben for the climax and then later on went full out giant octopus for the final battle. That was really cool. It must also be said, the whole pirate motif really tickles my fancy too.3. The Riddler (Gotham)

Gotham actually had a lot of great villains in 2017, as they always do. The heart of the show has always consistently been Penguin and Nygma, and while Penguin was great this year, Nygma was the MVP. He’s been on a dark path ever since his first murder back in season one, but this year fully saw him embrace his destiny as The Riddler - fancy green suit, ridiculous name, gimmicks and all. It was great to see him finally embrace the title in "How the Riddler Got His Name," and, while it was heartbreaking to watch, his betrayal of Penguin really allowed him to step out of Penguin's shadow and into his own spotlight. I particularly love his penchant for doing things as melodramatically as possible, with him actually murdering a man on stage in a play where he sent out his message to the elites of Gotham. He's so extra and flamboyant in everything that he does that it's just a treat to watch. And while I'm not caught up on Season Four right now, what I have seen of him manipulating Solomon Grundy has been really enjoyable too, showing off how even when he's lost his evil genius, he's still smart in the way that he can manipulate and play others to get what he wants. 2. Rita Repulsa (Power Rangers)

It's been a good year for green villains, apparently. I was as skeptical as anyone with the live action Power Rangers movie, but it ended up being one of the best films I watched this year. Elizabeth Banks plays Rita Repulsa and is having the time of her life up there. She's not quite as hammy as OG Rita, but she gets about as close as a semi-serious movie will allow. I like the added backstory to her feeling like an outsider of the original Power Rangers team and her having been their green ranger. He design as a sort of jagged perversion of the Rangers' uniform is a neat design aesthetic, and it looks really friggin' cool. I like how she does feel like an ancient and powerful witch who has come to really make us all feel the hurt. The scene in Trini's bedroom is pretty chilling, and the fact that she does manage to kill one of the Rangers (albeit temporarily) really makes her dangerousness feel genuine. She's also got some great comedic moments given that the macguffin she's after is buried underneath a Krispy Kreme and just hearing this powerful ancient witch trying to find Krispy Kreme of all places is exactly the type if ridiculousness I'm here for. 1. Daken (Iceman)

A lot of long term Daken fans were not happy about his portrayal in Iceman. I am not one of them. At all. I loved seeing him back in fully swagalicious glory on the pages of one of the best comic runs that I've read in a long time. His chemistry with Bobby is perfect, and I loved how much Daken was flirting with him while Bobby was having absolutely none of it. I love how the first encounter with him is in a super swanky club with him rocking designer formal wear even amidst the battle against Bobby. And despite how controversial it is, I like his whole dynamic with Zach. I like how it shows exactly the type of manipulative hypocrite he is, and how he can also be extremely petty and trivial in his desire for what he wants with sending Zach to steal an ordinary ring that catches his eye. And I'm really looking forward to the next few upcoming issues where we'll see the payoff to Daken's scheme that he's been setting up, which promises to be really interesting. As someone for whom the antihero Daken stuff that's been going on in All-New Wolverine just hasn't done it for me, it's nice to see him have his proverbial villain claws back in this run. Also, while it doesn't really count for this list's purposes, despite the fact that I've been a long time Daken fan and reader of his self-titled series, this year was finally the year where I got to fill in my gaps in his history and see the full picture for really the first time, which allowed him to climb all the way into my top favorite villains of all time. So it's been a big year for me and Daken, and I think he easily warrants my position as the best villain of 2017.

[donnerpartyofone]

i won’t bother too much with ALL the details of this, i’m just watching this one dude ask me the world’s most boring unfunny questions, slinking back to see what kind of reaction they get, and then making it clear that he’s the guy who either is or pretends to be an “alt right” douchebag. this guy has got to be my biggest fan in the world. people who actually love me don’t even love me the way this guy loves me.

flashing forward to 4/26: yesterday at around 1:30 pm, my wingnut white nationalist anon leaves some dumbass shit in my ask as usual. an hour later at about 2:30, he begins his routine of anxiously scrambling back to see if i’m going to engage him.

when he realizes that i'm not responding, he comes back around 5:30 and (i wasn’t tracking any of this at that time, but i THINK) he asks kind of a typical lolrandom “question”. not really thinking about who it might be from, i respond this time, comparing it favorably with his original message of the day: a cringeworthy dorky dad rap about clinton’s dusty old email “controversy”.

at 7:30 that evening he comes back to read what i wrote, and then opens the post itself (http://donnerpartyofone.tumblr.com/post/160023485961), maybe to see if he has any fans in the notes, maybe for whatever type of little serial killer scrap book he keeps.

then this morning, he returns around 8:30am, and again at 9:30 to “ask” me the question at the bottom. this one is kind of interesting, because it reads sarcastic. (i can’t bring myself to read it as serious) he seems to want to trick me into thinking it’s from a sympathetic third party, saying “what a mean anon you have, acting like your opinions don’t matter!” i’m guessing this was supposed to get me to talk about him again; maybe i would have some sort of lefty pinko freakout, proving what an insidious, manipulative internet genius he is.

why am i even doing all this? there’s no political meaning here: i’ve stopped posting what he says, and i don’t address the content, often just because i have no idea what this guy's word salad-y asks even mean. sometimes, someone knowledgeable about what’s going on in “alt right” echo chambers explains what he’s struggling to say, and it usually turns out to be about some hilarious conspiracy theory that’s just a couple hairs away from hollow earth nazis. sometimes i think these messages might just be copied out of some godforsaken neo-fascist forum somewhere, the way people just send me lines from tv shows for no reason.

so the point for me is, i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone so desperate for my attention in my entire life. it’s kind of an ego boost to watch this guy circle back in helpless, compulsive spurts, all day long, begging and praying for me to notice him. the only person i can think of who ever acted this obsessed with me was this very seriously mentally ill person who spent several years stalking me from my place of work. i had to go through a couple different DAs to deal with him, and eventually just resort to getting in touch with his mother so she could monitor his medication more closely or take additional measures where needed. there was a similar quality to that experience, too, where i’d be subject to constant emails, or forum comments or whatever, that came out of the clear blue sky, and had no apparent tie to reality. they had the same sort of mid-sentence, stream of consciousness character, and were full of similar grossout sexual references and conspiracy theories.

the important difference in that case was, at least the messages were to me and about me, so in some ways that pseudo-relationship made a lot more sense than this one. national socialist anon’s messages could be sent to just about anybody and are uninterpretable to me. it’s probably a safe to bet that he just scrounges around tumblr for anti-trump posts, and then keeps a running list of “liberals” to pester with copied-and-pasted alex jonesy glossolalia. however, my personal experience is just that there’s this dude who has an inexplicable 24 hour boner for me, and he spends every waking moment buzzing around my blog trying to get me to touch it.

obviously he thinks this is all super funny, on the surface, but i’m convinced he must be terminally lonely. i keep thinking of this unfortunately typical tumblr moment i witnessed, where a friend was complaining about the relentless sexual harassment she suffers here, and she immediately got this crazy bitter anon saying “well at least people send you messages”. it really makes me feel even more like a reptile, when i see how desperate people are for contact that they’ll happily take it even from people who explicitly hate them. i’ll never understand it. but, at least it’s entertaining to watch some nobody desperately clamor to make himself the center of my universe. in a perfect world, todd solondz would make a movie about this guy, and then he’d get the attention he's missing, and i’d get to see what the fuck his problem is, and we could all have a big sadistic laff about it.

anyway, blocking you again anon, please feel free to spoof your IP and come back whenever you need to show me how much you love me again.

[placetobenation]

As many of you are aware, WWE Network is pretty packed with all sorts of content. And as you may also know, we here at Place to Be Nation love long term, in depth projects. So, as part of this initiative, members of the PTBN Staff are choosing programs at random and after watching each program, they will share their thoughts, notes and recommendations with our readers. So, settle in and enjoy this epic ride through wrestling history!

Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits

Run Time: 98 Minutes

Why Jacob Why???: 

BECAUSE JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHICH SHOW I’M GONNA PICK, I CHANGE THE ANSWERS

I figured if we were going to go on this Network voyage, there’s no better way than to start with one of the earlier tapes, especially one focused on such an icon. Along with that, I knew this would give us a nice mix of matches, promos, and random segments, even if they all center around one guy.

Best Segment

Breaking down barriers since 1984!

Aaron George:  Bob Orton going for a checkup on his much maligned arm. I hold no pretensions that Doc Stevens is in any way a licensed physician, but when he was introduced as the resident TNT Doctor I was already in stitches. Straight man Vince is incredulous that Orton’s arm hasn’t healed yet and Piper’s conviction in the face of Bob’s “Your arm is fine” diagnosis is wonderful.  Special points to the “doctor” too who incredulously wondered aloud that the arm should be stronger by now.

Brian Bayless: The Piper’s Pit segment with Jimmy Snuka is one of the most memorable segments in wrestling history and with good reason. This never dragged and was explosive and shocking as anything shown on WWF TV at that point.

Jacob Williams: I have to go with the Mid City Health Club meditation session, just for the pure goofiness. I’m a sucker for these early to mid 80s campy vignettes. I love it all–from Ace as the PR rep to Orndorff’s hot pants,  to Piper hissing at Gene.  Everyone takes the entire premise so serious, and it makes it that much better. To top it off, they beat up some random guy on the street, which actually feels real and gritty. The entire crew just completely sells themselves as some weirdo transgressive tough guys.

Calum McDougall: Tuesday Night Titans with Piper and Bob Orton visiting the doctor. I though the middle of the tape dragged on a bit due to the lack of matches, but this was the highlight of the long talking segment section of the tape. Piper’s mannerisms from the start were outstanding, giving Orton nervous glances throughout and his interactions with the doctor and Vince were fantastic.He had an answer for everything that was thrown at him, and when all else failed he just started quacking at the doctor to end the segment. Excellent stuff.

Dave Hall: Piper’s Pit with special guest: Roddy Piper. This segment was hilarious.  I really loved the smooth editing that made it seem like a genuine interview.  Piper’s comments were awesome, and very ahead of their time.  It was full of one liners from start to finish, from “I had Andre on.  I brought him a Johnny brush to brush his teeth”, to “When I shoot a gun, someone gets pregnant”.  It seems only fitting that Piper’s greatest guest would be himself, and he really pushed boundaries with this segment.  Piper at his very best.

Best Match

You did WHAT to Andre the giant???

Aaron George: The problem with this set is there isn’t a match that has anything resembling a proper finish. The one that stood out for me was Piper and Dr. Death against Andre The Giant and Snuka. It was super interesting to not only watch Andre carry the babyface segments of a tag match, but then to see him beaten bloody by Piper and experience him in legitimate peril was tons of fun. The image of Roddy Piper sitting on the top turnbuckle covered in Andre’s 1.7 BAC blood is a perfect snapshot of the character. Sure Andre comes back later and they do the fuck finish but for every second Hot Rod is in the ring the crowd is LIVID!

Brian Bayless: The final match on the card, Piper & Orton vs. Snuka & Tonga Kid, was a lot of fun. The crowd went crazy and it was a chaotic match with lots of brawling.

Jacob Williams: This was tough because the Hogan match had so much heat, but I have to go with the Andre tag. It told a better story, and the reaction when Andre comes out with the bandage is breathtaking. Piper looks like such a warrior with the Giant’s blood smeared on him. I wasn’t very hyper aware of this feud between Piper and Andre. This was excellent.

Calum McDougall:  Piper & David Schultz vs. Andre The Giant and Jimmy Snuka. I thought this match was a lot of fun. It was good to see and Andre match when he could still go at a good level, and I lost it when he did a drop down. Admittedly, it’s not the most athletic of maneuvers but it was amazing to see Andre do it given that most of the matches of his I’ve seen are post-WrestleMania III, when he’s really broken down. I loved the ending with the bloodbath, then transitioning into the handicap match only for Andre to come back out. The heat that was on Piper and Schultz was unreal, and the visual of Hot Rod sitting on the top rope covered almost head to toe in Andre’s blood was the best shot of the whole video.

Dave Hall:  Roddy Piper vs The Tonga Kid. There are lots of really great matches on this presentation, and one could argue that the Piper vs Hogan match at War to Settle the Score could be the best, but I really enjoyed the Piper vs Tonga Kid match.  This match surprised me with it’s quick offense and the heat that it had.  Piper calling for the time out and then selling a ton for Tonga Kid really made it seem that Tonga Kid was a genuine threat to win.  The interference from Jimmy Snuka and Bob Orton did not detract from the match, and really added to the heat.  A really enjoyable match.

Most Cringeworthy Moment

Explain your actions you fat, bald-headed little oaf.

Aaron George:  Any time Hot Rod spouts off “Just when they think they’ve got all the answers, I change the questions.” It never made any sense in context to what he was doing and it’s just lame. I know we’re supposed to revere it as a classic Piper line but to me it always sounded forced and was a weak spot in an otherwise strong promo game.

Brian Bayless: Gene Okerlund, who did the introduction to this video, listed Piper as 6’3 and 252 lbs. Even in pro wrestling where size is exaggerated it was ridiculous.

Jacob Williams: Frank Williams attempted to speak into a microphone, and it was a complete disaster.

Calum McDougall: Piper’s Pit with Jimmy Snuka. Well, this hasn’t aged well has it? I completely understand that this is a legendary and memorable segment, given that its between two Hall of Famers. Snuka was one of the most popular men in the company at the time, and Piper was quite possibly the most hated man in the WWF. In 1985, it’s a licence to print money. In 2018 however, its uncomfortable viewing, with Pipers taunting in the run up to the coconut shot, right up until the end where he is whipping Snuka within an inch of his life. It’s easy to see why the would only show the coconut attack in more recent clips. It was a different time, but this is certainly not a 2018 segment.

Dave Hall: Everything involving Mean Gene Okerlund. With so much quality stuff on this presentation, I was really disappointed with Mean Gene’s introduction, and his linking statements throughout.  The intro was really cringe worthy, as he bagged out Piper and almost made it feel like anyone who had “purchased the video” was a loser for doing so.  His negativity is understandable, but after seeing how enjoyable the whole thing was, it ended up looking really stupid.

Funniest Line/Moment

Have you ever heard of a Kiss song called Love Gun?

Aaron George:  During an episode of TNT Vince grills Roddy as to why he didn’t let Jimmy Snuka speak before cracking the coconut on his head; Hot Rod loses it and screams something to the effect of “I DID BUT HE JUST SAT THERE LIKE A BUMBLING IDIOT LIKE THIS GUY!!!” He then points to a dour Lord Alfred Hayes, sitting there with his hands crossed, decked out in a pompadour suit refusing to say a word at the obvious truths Piper was spewing; a look of sadness overcomes his face quickly hidden behind a false smile and a shame-filled stiff upper lip.

Brian Bayless: Piper quacking as the doctor on TNT said that Bob Orton’s arm was fine cracked me up. Also, Orton beating up a guy on the street after Okerlund was kicked out of Piper & Paul Orndorff’s private training session for their WrestleMania match was classic.

Jacob Williams:Piper hissing at the camera out of nowhere, and the ensuing shot of him hissing, is comedy gold.

Calum McDougall: Roddy quacking at the doctor at the end of the TNT segment above. Excellent stuff.

Dave Hall: In a tape full of actual greatest hits and moments, and multiple one-liners from Piper, the funniest line for me was when Piper looked at the cameras and said “When I shoot a gun, someone gets pregnant.” I laughed out loud and even replayed the line just to hear it again.

Highlights

Forgiveness or massive concussion?

Aaron George:  Every single match had CRAZY crowd heat. Piper was clearly a master of the chaos filled match. His frenetic energy was incredible and if Michael Cole was calling his matches he would no-doubt be screaming lunatic fringe every ninety seconds. The promos were quite good and even something as hokey a concept as interviewing oneself is pulled off well by the Hot Scot. The meditation promo was great and had Piper and Orton not visited the doctor would have walked away with best segment. Every time Piper read a letter from someone’s family “i.e. Hogan’s mother writing him pleading to stop beating up her son,” was spectacular. Gloria Steinman was at the War To Settle The Score! I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the AMAZING Coliseum Video opening declaring that for 5000 years this bullshit has been going on, all the while the precursor to Hercules’ music blasts as we get shots of jobbers being murdered. Love T getting the shit beat out of him and adore Paul Orndorff screaming at Arnold Skaaland.

Brian Bayless: The matches featured all had a ton of crowd heat and the segments that focused on Andre the Giant, Jimmy Snuka,and Hulk Hogan were great. Plus, we saw the classic Pit segments with Jimmy Snuka and Frankie Williams.

Jacob Williams: It’s hard narrow it down when so much of this is made up such legendary matches and moments. I absolutely loved any interaction between Piper and Andre. Andre’s innate charisma compliments Piper’s manic energy well. Piper busting Andre open to show that he could back up his big mouth, then Andre stumbling back the ring with crude head bandage, was all so great.

Calum McDougall:  

*Andre’s performance in the opening tag team match, as I said before, it was good to see a match before he starts to break down

* The red hot crowd when Snuka is on offence when the opening match transitions to handicap, what they’d do for a sustained reaction like that nowadays.

* The bagpipe entrance for the War to Settle The Score match, although I am legally obligated to say this.

Dave Hall: This whole tape is a bunch of genuine highlights.  There is so much good stuff on here I don’t know where to start.  Two things that did really stand out for me: the Piper’s Pit with Andre the Giant, and watching Andre lift Piper in the air by his shirt.  Piper looked genuinely worried at that moment.  Then we saw Andre totally sell an assault from Piper, including bleeding.  It made Piper look like a total badass. I had never seen the War to Settle the Score before, and really enjoyed it.  The Piper’s Pits were all great, and the Tonga Kid and Jimmy Snuka stuff was really entertaining.

Lowlights

Why no one care about my eyes no mo?

Aaron George:  It would have been nice to have a match that had a proper finish, but I get the impression Piper didn’t have many of those. I don’t like Real American being dubbed over Eye of The Tiger but it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Hulk Hogan slumming it with noted fat sloppy pig Lou Albano. Why on Earth does a guy named Frank Williams struggle so heartily with the English language?

Brian Bayless: For some reason there was an episode of Piper’s Pit that had Samu as the Tonga Kid. Samu had noticeably less charisma than the original Tonga Kid. The segment with Piper interviewing himself started off amusing enough but did run out of steam by the end.

Jacob Williams:Piper interviewing himself overstays its welcome a bit. The stuff with Samu was fine, but it didn’t match the intensity or epic feel of the other feuds covered on this tape.

Calum McDougall: 

* The awful dub over of Real American. You could tell that the crowd was going crazy for the Hulkster but the dub job silences them, which took something off this match for me.

* Mean Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary, I didn’t enjoy this team at all.

* Tonga Kid mocking Piper’s kilt. (It’s not a skirt!!!!)

Dave Hall: In a tape filled with so much great stuff, I found the “Piper’s Workout” clips preparing for WrestleMania to be a little dull and drag a bit.  Piper did very little in these segments, and Gene came off as a goof.  This really could have been left off, especially as the WrestleMania main event is not covered on this presentation. The other lowlight to me was the layout of the presentation.  They cover the Andre segments early 1984), jump to the War to Settle the Score (1985), and then go back to the Snuka/Tonga Kid stuff (1984 again).  I think it would have been better if they had run the events and matches chronologically, and finished with the War to Settle the Score.

Wild Card BABY!!!

I’M YOUR MAN!!!

Liar Of The Night:  Forgive me for a fucking second if I can’t picture Mr. T rocking out to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.  If Mr. T can name ONE other Cyndi Lauper song I will eat a shit sandwich.  He enjoys her music… PUH – LEASE – I wonder how many takes it took to get that line out. – AG

Best Tidbit: According to Piper, the coconut he used to hit Snuka was not gimmicked and Snuka himself was unaware he was going to be getting hit with anything of the fruits on the table. Piper even claimed that Snuka tried to go after him that night at the hotel. The segment was filmed on 3/28/84 in St. Louis but did not air until the 6/9/84 edition of “Championship Wrestling.” – BB

Excellence in Medical Practice Award: This one goes to Doc Stevens.  No matter how much Piper yells and quacks at him, he never strays from calmly delivering his diagnosis. – JW

What’s The Point Award:  Piper’s Pit with guest Roddy Piper. This should have been really good, and for 1985 technology this was impressive. But it didn’t go anywhere, was too long for me and by the end I was just baffled at the whole thing. A good idea on paper which just fell short on execution for me. – CM

Most Nosey:   Gene Okerlund. If guys are meditating and hissing at you while sitting on the dirtiest floor I’ve ever seen stop asking questions at take your bald headed ass out of the Mid City Gym FOR MEN. He interrupts Orndorff as he attempts a sexy deadlift, he stops Piper from transitioning to snake. Get outta there you oaf! The guy who asked if Gene needed help deserved to get his ass beat. – AG

The Sympathy Award: On a tape with some of the biggest names in the history of wrestling—Piper, Hogan, Andre—we get a cameo from Frank Williams. Piper can destroy nearly anyone on the mic, so when he goes against poor Frank Williams in the Pit, I kind of just felt bad. Williams can barely utter a coherent sentence, and Piper just humiliates him. – JW

Again! What’s the point???: As I just mentioned, I felt that without any coverage of the WrestleMania main event there was little point in showing the workout video of Piper and Orndorff.  It just added nothing to the presentation.

Most Random: Lou Thesz as special referee. When Mean Gene threw to this match and mentioned there was a special referee the last person I expected to see was Lou Thesz! Even more surprising is that they actually acknowledge him as a former World Champion. I’m assuming this is because Thesz was well known in the Minneapolis area where this match happened and they know him as a legendary champion (rightfully so) but this was a head scratcher nonetheless. – CM

Final Thoughts

Aaron George:  This was a fun set but don’t go into it looking for some classic matches. Because of the lack of variety in the programming of it I found myself struggling to get through it. Still there’s some classic MOMENTS, and after watching you couldn’t ever argue that Piper wasn’t one thousand percent effective in the ring. RATING: 6/10

Brian Bayless: Piper was arguably the best heel in all of wrestling from 1984-85 and this tape did a great job of capturing everything that made him great. Sure, the matches themselves were not masterpieces but you saw a lot of crowds going wild to go along with many memorable segments and interviews. One of the best Coliseum Home Video releases you can get. RATING: 8/10

Jacob Williams: Every match on here felt so epic and meaningful. You had guys who were insanely over coupled with crowds that are just buying into absolutely everything that’s happening. I know there wasn’t much variety, but it was amazing to watch a snapshot of a guy firing on all cylinders in his prime right as the WWF was catching fire. RATING: 8/10

Calum McDougall: The tape started off hot, with opening tag and the Hogan MTV match but it took a nosedive with the long section in the middle. That being said, I still thought it was a decent video, due to the good stuff being great. RATING:4/10

Dave Hall: What a way to start the reboot of the Network Adventure.  This was awesome.  Knowing the history of the Colliseum Home Video stuff, I was really worried there would be a lot of crap mixed in with some good stuff.  But this was great moment after great moment.  The matches all had heat and moved well, and really showcased Piper’s ability in the ring to make his opponent look good.  The Piper’s Pit were all memorable ones, you have the classic Bob Orton and Piper visiting the doctor, which was really fun, and then you have Piper interviewing himself which was simply brilliant.  While Mean Gene may have mocked the title at the start of the presentation, never has the phrase “Greatest Hits” ever been more warranted. RATING: 10/10

And we are out! Where will the Network Adventure travel to? Which Coliseum will be conquered next? Which of these assholes will quit the project in an indignant rage??? Find out in TWO WEEKS!

Reg?