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squeak only when squoken to

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A girl’s natural habitat is in a bed with many blankets and pillows and it’s inhumane to remove her from her natural habitat

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2017 / 2021

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this comment on the NYT’s carbonara recipe that uses bacon, tomato ketchup, and parmesan…….God’s mind

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all debates abt the artistic merits of fanfiction fail to recognize the purpose of fic. you don’t write fic to be published or to learn how to construct a narrative although you can use it to develop style. you write it so that your friends will message you “bestie you’re utterly deranged for this one im eating dirt” 

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a graph based on my observations

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How slutty would you say you are?

In theory? Very. In practice? Not at all. I’m lazy.

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i saw a really cool butterfly expert man on PBS and was so in awe of him and his butterfly knowledge i tracked down the episode online to see how to spell his name and found his twitter and followed him, only for the next day to awaken to him having read not only my webcomic, but also my livetweets saying how i wanted to marry the butterfly man. he said he was flattered. anyway the moral of the story is please don’t underestimate how far down your twitter a bored entomologist will scroll, and also the internet was a mistake.

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Why are you fat?

cause everytime i fuck your dad he makes me a sandwich

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I’ve never been to Las Vegas but I love it in concept because it sounds so made up. Imagine if you were reading a fantasy novel and they were like “smack in the middle of a deadly inhospitable desert there is a glittering city of indulgence and lawlessness and cheap sin that has specifically engineered itself to obfuscate your sense of time and keep you there as long as possible while they take all your valuables.” You’d be like yeah that’s some wizard shit. 

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Every word in this headline is funnier than the one before it.

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This doesn’t surprise me

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