tacodtaco
taco d. taco
36 - OH - journal and other things
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i wish i was a pie
maybe a cake
a tray of cookies
then everyone i love could take a part of me
and then i wouldnt be
and that would be okay
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the closer i get to understanding the further away everything feels. cant stop crying. on the verge of tears all the time. it aint even the romantic shit really just feels like im living in remindertown and the population is you. sucks. i guess this is what jams felt at the diner. idk.
wish i could say anything and you wanna hear it
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wish i had the guts to just end it
i cant do this shit anymore
everything hurts too much
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spaghettification
if my person is a singularity
then what of all of you?
spinning celestial bodies of tiny words and moments
gifts and stars and boundless potential
i struggle with the weight of it
the density of me
the little masses
colliding in balls of pleasantries and affections
i consume and consume
"good morning"
i grow
"this is nice"
i grow
"sweet dreams"
in the silence i still grow
the hunger present but every morsel pulled
stretched and twisted for every particle
the building blocks of the cosmos
trapped in letters and touch
warped and wrung for more than their worth
but i still feed
we all will
even black holes are pretty common
statistically speaking
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maybe it's not as easy as being grateful
the grateful arc, while generally pretty positive, involves eating or ignoring a lot of things that would result in some kind of emotional response on my end. not knowing this in advance, i was a bit surprised to find that the vats in which my feelings overflowed were pretty lacking in capacity. i'm sad. i don't know if i'm in a bout of depression or not but at the moment, i am sad.
i'd say i miss my old friends but i don't. 11 years removed from it and i can firmly stand on the ground that they weren't great friends, despite being able to hang out for many hours and many days at a time. back then, the ability to make friends didn't seem particularly important. casual acquaintances, a new weed guy maybe, but friends? nah, didn't need more of those.
even then the battle with the abyss and its lonely fucking void were omnipresent and in my true and real adult life i've spent considerable time and energy in trying to develop actual friendships that have what i'm looking for in a friendship and i find myself wanting. be it aly downstairs (rip upright 5th ave) or dudes at work, i really tried hard? i can't say i failed but there's no emotional intimacy or closeness or anything.
even that's overstating it. i feel like i need those things to justify hitting someone up all the time to hang out or do stuff or even just converse like normal people. i dont know. im pretty fucked up about it. this is all just because of the jams conversation. i miss her, i miss the pandemic, i miss feeling like i had the ride or die on lock, you know? like no matter what, if shit was rough, someone was there to hug me and tell me i was smart and good.
shes not around much. always with the boyfriend or work or any of the innumerable events or people to which shes pledged her time. she says she misses me too, that its just the way things have to be. i cant say i feel great about that but i dont have any alternatives. i realize and acknowledge im lucky to have her around at all but that doesn't really help how i feel.
ill post about the other shit tomorrow. i just feel bad. i miss my best friend so much. i wish it could be like it was and we could just lay on my couch and watch anime and feel nice.
i dont want anyone to see this or read it and take it as anything. im just venting. no matter what we keep pushing. just lonely and love my friend a lot, you know?
time sucks. trauma sucks. just wish i felt love all the time lol, believe it or not theres a lot of times i dont feel like this at all
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going to make a puritanical pilgrim RP account and comment "indecent!" and "how shameful!" under every lewd post i see
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