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[tacitennui]

What I wrote to Joel for our 1st Anniversary

Dearest Joel,

Everything changed for the best since you came into my life and I loved growing with you in love, growing up with you as a person, and growing in Christ together over this last year. I knew you were special ever since we started talking on August 1st, awestruck by you since we met for that first time on September 20th (with you in that grey sweater and whitewashed denim jeans!), and just swept away by you on September 27th. I couldn’t get enough of you even after our 5 hour conversation on Oct. 2nd. We fell in love over the phone, and the time we spent together in person has been even more captivating. You enamour me, and I am so blessed/crazy lucky to be your girlfriend! You are so kind, compassionate, caring, accepting, and thoughtful – a real treasure of a person. I can’t believe I found you; I can’t believe you love me.

Joel, I thank God every day for you!! He heard my prayers and He gave me you, and there is no one else more perfect. You are the person I want to talk to the most (my confidant!), you let me be honest even when it’s hard, and you let me be myself around you. Thank you for loving me, for showing me what love is, for being someone I can lean on, for never giving up even when times were difficult, for spurring me on to know God more. Our time together has always been so wonderful, tender, and sweet – I want it to continue and continue and never end. Here’s to 50+ more years together, my love!

[tacitennui]

Joel thinks we first started cuddling when we watched Duck Tales but we actually started earlier that afternoon.

He asked to put his head on my shoulder first and then started leaning on me. Then we shifted positions and he started touching my face and he said, I never got a really good look at your face.

Then I said that I wanted to see his hands and I started holding them. He also put his arm around my shoulder and I put my arms around him at the same time.

When we watched Duck Tales, we were holding hands. Maybe some mild cuddling, but mostly holding hands. I think I had my laptop on my lap for part of it. Also it was after dinner so I would’ve been bloated and not want to cuddle.

[tacitennui]

I met Joel last week. We had a planned out how we were going to meet and rehearsed it almost every single day before meeting. He would drop his stuff off at the Air bnb first, take Baloo, and then come up to my apartment and knock on my door. I would open it, and he would say, hi, I’m Joel. I would respond, and he would ask to come in and we would hug. We rehearsed this so many times we both had it memorized, so it wouldn’t be awkward when we first meet and we would only have to play our parts.

Of course, life rarely happens the way we planned. Joel got lost on his way to Ottawa (there were so many hiccups with him at the border), so I wasn’t sure if he would even make it. A 3 hour drive turned into a 6 hour trip. He was tired and stressed. His phone died on his way into the city but miraculously he was able to pass by Laurier. After talking to a cop and finding a patio, he quickly charged his phone and called me to ask me to come to him. Realistically, he was only 2 minutes away but the distance felt much greater.

I hurriedly grabbed my things, put on my sunscreen and slowly simmered in my anticipation to see him. He called me again, telling me to hurry up but also to ask me what I would be wearing, in case he wouldn’t recognize me. I didn’t tell him and assured him that he would recognize me.

I sped walked to the patio he was at. We saw each other across the street and our eyes locked. I blew him a kiss instinctively - partially so that he would know I was me, but also because I couldn’t help it. He was sitting on a chair, hunched over, with no one around him. My poor baby, I thought.

I waited and then crossed the street. I wanted to give him a big hug - I could tell he had a tough day but our first hug was a little awkward. I tried not to stare at him. He looked exactly like the way he did over our video calls, but he was wearing a new outfit and had gotten a haircut the day before so there was a small sense of unfamiliarity.

We figured out the Airbnb stuff and went to dinner. It was strange - I felt comfortable in his presence but there was a shyness and over politeness in our interactions. At one point in the evening he reached for my hand, and I said I needed more time to feel comfortable around him. I was worried that I offended him when I said that, and in my mind, I wondered if I could feel comfortable later on.

The next day felt more natural. We started being ourselves around each other more. It still took some time to be around each other, but the chemistry was undeniable. He still gives me butterflies all the time. We have been around each other for about a week now and I truly enjoy being in his company. I was afraid being around people would be an adjustment but I love holding hands and walking down the street.

I’m happy. Our issues aren’t gone but we’re together and somehow that makes our relationship feel stronger, like we can face the challenges together now instead of individually. I can’t wait to even do errands together with him because at least we won’t be separated. There are so many more things I still want to do with him. I always can’t wait until I get to see him again. He still calls me or messages me in the morning to start our day, and reminds us to pray together. I am really enjoying my time with him.

[tacitennui]

I was reading through 1 Samuel and I came to the part where I was ashamed of being scared of as a child. Maybe I still am a little scared? But as I come to reflect more on 1 Samuel, the story contrasts two annointed individuals and what their relationship with God looks like. It shows how differently each person’s lives turned out. It’s easy to get caught in random details but what’s more striking is how each person communicates with God. It makes me reflect on how I want to communicate with God, and what I want my relationship to look like.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my childhood self this. That it’s not about an isolated story, but it’s about the grand picture. It indicates something bigger, more important. It’s not just a story but the snapshot should be taken with the full account.

Still learning, still reflecting.

[tacitennui]

Sometimes I keep worrying that I’ll lose my first love. I keep asking God - that a first love has to mean something, right? That the Israelites were always criticized for forsaking their first love. That a first love is something that’s special. I think there’s so much attachment to holding onto a first love for me. I don’t want another first love.

Strangely enough though, I was reminded today that I used to pray and tell God that loving Him was my first love. I first learned how to love because He first loved. I learned how to love because of my love for God. It’s finite, brittle, and there’s so much about it that I don’t understand, but I was reminded that long before all this, before this search came up with anything, that I did love something else first. And that I knew this was love.

This thought gives me more assurance. Even if I lose a human relationship now, at least I have God with me. At least I didn’t lose my relationship with God. I still have love in my life - agape. And that reflection calms me down and helps me see things with more perspective.

[tacitennui]

Today he told me he would love me even if I was bald. I was worried that I was losing my hair, and he told me that doesn’t matter. He then joked that we should shave our heads together. He said a shaved head meant more area to kiss for him. He said he knew this conversation wasn’t about that, but he wanted me to know that he would still love me anyway.

I love him so much.

[tacitennui]

Today he told me that even if we weren’t in a romantic relationship, I would still be his best friend. He says that around me, he can be himself, and talk freely around me, either in silly moments or in deep conversations. He says he feels like the best version of himself around me.

Today is the last day that we are alone in Plattsburgh before his cousin comes. I did initially want us to have a deeper conversation, but we had one organically. He realized some things that I wasn’t uncomfortable with and we were both honest about some emotions we were feeling. He also asked me to be honest when I’m sad or anxious around him, which I’m working on. I’m not immediately honest with my feelings and so I need to remember to be.

During prayer, he kept saying thanking God for the encouragement that I bring to him and after I finished praying (I included his cousin in my prayer), he said that I was so loving and thoughtful and selfless.

[tacitennui]

Going through our old chats

Last night we went through our old chat from the dating app - I feel like old wounds have opened. It brought me back to that emotional space I inititally felt. Seeing the dates on those replies made me realize that I wasn’t over-reacting in my feelings duringthe late summer/early fall. The situation, while in many ways understandable, was hurtful. In a way, I was glad to see it because it validated my feelings from the past.

Sadly, looking back at those messages and seeing those dates made me realize that if it wasn’t for the pandemic, I wouldn’t have spent the time and energy that I did. I would’ve chalked it up to him being another playboy. A part of me is glad I didn’t let go, that I always felt drawn to him, that God made me feel so sad when I wanted to delete that conversation in September, but another part of me wishes I had more self-respect. 

I think because this happenend, it coloured how I viewed our relationship afterwards. Sometimes he mentions that I don’t text him first, but the truth is, I wasn’t sure if he was interested. I felt played and like an option him for the longest time even after we started video chatting. It hurt extra when he cancelled on our dates last minute or when I wouldn’t hear from him for long stretches of time. 

I am happy with him, I know I am. But I wish pain and hurt wasn’t always so readily associated with this relationship.

[tacitennui]

Feb 22nd - When I told him I love him

I told him I love him on Feb 22nd. I kept praying to God these last couple of months about what love is. How do I know I love? What is love? How do I experience love?

God revealed 2 things to me: 

1) In the fall and early winter, I had this notion that we wouldn’t survive the prolonged distance. I thought we would break up, probably after we met. It would’ve been too difficult since he was planning on going to Saskatchewan. I remember crying and praying a lot that God would let me love him for a little longer, for the season that He’s appointed, and that I felt that I did love him and wanted to learn how to love him better.

2) I watched a talk on Right Now media that focused on how a person knows that another person loves them romantically. The speaker suggested reading 1 Cor. 13 and replacing their name with “love” - ie. instead of love is kind, the pronoun replaces the subject. Furthermore, he said that if there’s anyone that wants to know if they’re in love with another person, to replace the subject with “I” statements in relation to that person. This exercise helped me understand that I was ready to tell him that I love him.

When I finally told him, his face lit up and he stared at me for several minutes. He had the biggest smile. And then he teared up. 

[tacitennui]

Jan 3 is when he realized

January 3, 2021 is when we talked and I told him how hurt I’ve been, that I’ve been to counselling, that I didn’t want to end things but was very saddened. He told me he made 2 major mistakes in his life: 1) getting into his addiction in the first place and 2) not fixing it before he met me. 

He thought we were going to break up because of what he told me the night before. I cried all night but prayed that God would forgive him, even though he had really hurt me by what he said. That’s also when I realized that I may love him. 

He had a pre-cry before talking to me that day because he didn’t want to cry in front of me (this will later change). He begged me not to end it - I wasn’t going to. And I wanted to extend as much grace as I possibly could. 

January 3rd was the day he realized that he loved me. It was under tough circumstances and he said it was a culmination of that entire day, from thinking that we would break up to us talking and then not breaking up. He said it was a happy realization. 

[tacitennui]

What I wrote on my first Valentine’s Day

Dearest _____,

I am hopelessly crazy about you. You make me feel so secure and anchored and I don’t want to be apart from you. My favourite thing in the world is cracking jokes together and hearing you laugh. You truly bring out the best in me and you inspire me. You are the type of guy that every woman would wish to have. I’m so lucky and thank you for being mine!! I completely and utterly adore you

 PS. You are the bestest platonic  friend. Thank you for being non-judgmental, always listening and curious, and acting as my confidante. I like you way more than just as a friend.

[tacitennui]

Feelings and Prayers

Ever since he told me about his addiction, I’ve been questioning what God has been doing, if God actually listened to my prayers, if this person is the right one, if God is fair. I’ve also been reflecting on the question given to me in therapy, as to whether God would give me someone that’s defective or not.

I think my prayers are quite telling. It’s hard to know what I’m actually feeling most of the time but I know what my desires are when I recall my prayers. Early on, even when we were chatting, I remember praying for his work. When he didn’t respond for a long time, I remember praying to God that I would move on, even though it made me quite sad.

The second time we spoke, I remember praying to God that He would let me keep him, if there was nothing wrong with him. I prayed that prayer for so long afterwards. I prayed for clarity. I prayed that he would draw closer to God. I prayed for his family. Now I’m praying for the same things I prayed for him - that I will draw closer to God. I pray that his family will like me, and see me as someone worthy of his affection.

I spent so long waiting and longing. This pandemic has intensified those feelings of anticipation. I kept going on long walks during the pandemic, and I would imagine that someone out there loves me, and I just haven’t met them yet. It was a nice feeling and I didn’t know if it was true or not - it was just a way to warm my heart. Somehow this was related to God, and I’d comfort myself by thinking that God has a plan, and that He loves me at least, and that maybe He created someone out there that would love me too.

I remember praying to God that I would like to know if someone out there exists for me, if there is an appointed one, if God had created someone for me and me for them while I was in my mother’s womb. I thought it would be crazy but I knew God could do miraculous things. I remember praying that I wish I would just know that this person existed - I didn’t have to be with them. I could still wait for them, but I just wanted to know that there is someone out there for me. I kept asking if I was waiting for them or that they were waiting for me. 

I feel like God answered my prayers in many ways through this person. I feel like I am waiting for them, but in many ways, I still have ways to improve too. 

After they told me about their weakness, I was upset at God. But the more I learned about this person, the more I realized that they did wait for me. They were looking for the same things that I was looking for, and I feel that they saved their feelings for me. That means the world to me. I’m also grateful now that I have practical things to pray about instead of abstractly guessing what my future partner would need prayer for. It feels more meaningful this way. 

I still don’t know what love is - I pray for that all the time. I pray that I would know what love is, what forgiveness is, and what it means to care for someone. I want my feelings to honour God, not just my actions. 

[tacitennui]

He knows he loves me

Yesterday, he told me that he doesn’t want to say “I love you” in the heat of the moment or at a time where there are high emotions. He told me that love is a decision and that there’s a daily commitment to care for that person. He wanted me to know that he has that commitment to me. He said that he’d want to tell me he loved me when there’s a steadiness.

[tacitennui]

I think he loves me

For the last week, he’s been saying things that were very affectionate, and I felt that he was really falling in love with me. It takes a lot for a grown man to be able to say those words. Some things he’s said:

-I want you

-I need you

-I want to be by your side

-I want you to feel what I feel for you

-I want you to be mine

-He said that he wanted Christ to be between us, and that’s how he wants to love me

-We haven’t met yet, and he pondered what would happen if we met and were so in love that we wanted to get married immediately

-He said it’s so nice to imagine us working out, and he wants to see me as a grandma

-He wants to shout my name from the rooftops and tell everyone about me

He also likes to repeat my name over and over again, and he’s been messaging me constantly and sending me a lot of love songs. He called me this afternoon while he was at work just to say hi, and there was static on the call. I said there was static on the call, and I couldn’t hear him properly because his voice was distorted. I think he said, “I love you, P_” softly after I mentioned the sound issue. I’m 99% sure.

[tacitennui]

The sweet things he says

So we started sending selfies to each other, and honestly I feel pretty awkward about sending my picture to a guy, but he makes me feel so comfortable doing it. I wasn’t sure if he actually liked my photo or if he was just being polite, but it turned out he really liked it. He kept sending me heart eye emojis throughout the day. Then when we talked on the phone, he told me he wanted to make it his home screen and asked me if it was okay. I said it was totally fine and he asked me twice if I felt that it was weird. To be honest, I had been wanting to send him a photo of me for a while so it wasn’t weird.

Tonight, he said that he felt I was so out of his league and kept sighing/telling me that I was pretty and at one point he said I was the prettiest girl.

He also told me that He wished he could just be next to me, either to watch or movie or to just be next to me so that I could feel the way that he felt for me.

Also, he started saying that he likes me. I responded that I felt the same, except that I like him a lot. He said it back to me and he repeated himself multiple times afterwards.

He says he’s melting and that I give him heart palpitations.

He says that he loves watching the first 5 seconds of the video I sent him and he squeals every single time I say that I miss him. He also silently says that he misses me back when he hears me say it.

Also, I am now addicted to the way he says my name.

[tacitennui]

I think he’s falling for me

We had a conversation 2 nights ago where we told each other our feelings, I guess. Here is a recap of some things he said to me:

-that he doesn’t know how to express his feelings, only that he misses me a lot and wants to be with me and spend all his time with me

-that he feels so lucky to be able to spend any time with me; that he thinks I’m incredible

-that I’m everything he wants and wishes he could be

-that even if he was 10x a better person, he feels like he wouldn’t be able to catch up to me

-that I’m so beautiful and smart and hardworking and loves God

-that I’m marvellous and lovely

-I told him that he makes me so happy, and he gasped and told me he was melting, and that I shouldn’t tell him things like that or else he would be up all night. And then he asked me to say it again

-He told me he wants to do something really nice for me one day to make me happy

-He says I make everyone around me shine

-I said I wish that I had known him earlier in life, and he said he agrees and felt like he wasted all this time

-I told him what I see in him; that he’s genuine and vulnerable and open and honest and that speaks to his good character, and he says it’s just a reflection of me

-He also sent me a heart after our conversation and told me the next day that he felt like he was on cloud 9 and floating all day because of what we talked about

[tacitennui]

Therapy Takeaway #1

Update: So I started going to targeted therapy. The person I like has an addiction and I’ve been quite distraught, disappointed, and frustrated. Not just over them, but by the circumstances and also questioning God a lot as to why this is happening to me.

I just had therapy and this was the therapist’s analysis:

-there’s a lot going on in the relationship but there’s a lot of good things happening

-the relationship is held together through a variety of things like similar social circles, location, etc, but the main thing is faith

-it is commendable that he told me early on (and was a surprise to the therapist, actually). It shows that honesty is important to him

-it was likely a cry for help that he brought it up, and it was to see if he would be “crucified” or if he would find a supporting partner to help walk him through it

-men rarely get out of their addictions on their own and it is usually because their partner can’t stand it, which is why they don’t get out of their addiction until they have a partner

-my therapist thinks I’m already in love with him (lol)

-my feelings are natural and normal

-men have been able to overcome their addictions

Reflections:

-Would God give me something defective? Think of the potter and the clay

-No one is perfect but Jesus

-Can I cope with everything? This will determine whether you stay in the relationship or not