tabzjoynt

[tabzjoynt]

wish this 🔥 was a 3 minute track 🙃

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🥹

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it's been a minute🙃

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🤍

kanye producing preacher man

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I could scream it a million times over but the hurt just hits a million times harder... I miss you 🥺

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Happy Heavenly Birthday x

I haven't told anyone in my family why my energy was a bit low, and I know you wouldn't want me to be sad today.

That dream the other night wasn't nice, I remember how it all felt so having to relive that heartbrokeness is the polar opposite of joyful.

It's definitely been a challenge to navigate today because I'm overcompensating by making sure everyone else is OK and feeling good but when it comes to myself - my fears and grief about the realities of life that sit beneath my skin start to rise to the surface, so I start freaking out that they might see and use the overcompensating to cover it up.

These last few days, I had hoped to get a few personal things done but instead let the days unfold organically, and now I feel like I'm running out of time.

I'm sort of the one sibling that looks like they have it all under control in the world but the truth is, I constantly battle in my mind between the thought of loneliness and the practicality of every given moment while I'm here in NZ. Like I don't expect my family to drop everything for me to go gather my treats to take home, nor do I expect them to pay for everything but I do watch them fall over themselves for my older sister to get hers and that always sux.

Tbh I understand more what I don't deal well with here and mentally I would be a hell of a mess if I moved back. The family dynamic is stressful on all levels. The power struggles and personality clashes are not energies I thrive in.

Tomorrow, I get the opportunity to be with my dad and it's making me anxious because every conversation we have had since I arrived, he just wants to give me everything he has. And because I know I'm running out of time, I am starting to want to be selfish and go get the things I want to take home - and remember again how they all helped my sister get the same exact things is frustrating and this happens everytime we both come home.

I'm finally not ok with it, so after tomorrow, I'm going on a mish to get my own treats and see a few faces before I go back to my independent life and get back on my stupid grind.

Lying here in the dark feeling every emotion and not knowing how to change it is keeping me awake.

Help me in dreamtime please - I miss those warm fuzzies from your presence in my life 🥺

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this morning was one of those ones where we were not busy but invested in one area as a team and filled it without any sales knowledge or assistance 😅

It didn't backfire too hard with only one article being filled incorrectly but considering the other 20+ that were seamless we did a ripper of a job and they can all go jump off a bridge if they try to say anything negative

had to put a couple of contractors in their place over not following processes this morning and then gave my manager's manager a call for not thinking through his decision to send a group of labour hires into our workspace without being directed about said processes especially at peak time for our function

I didn't scream or use profanity but my face was not in the mood for the fakeness

then this moment happened...

the first shot is when I felt a warmth that I haven't for almost a year and the second is when I stopped to bathe in it

I miss your light in my life - it was in this moment that I remember how much 💔

Thanks for taking me out of my head x

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It's been one of those weeks where I keep trying to find traces of you online and it's really hard to stay sane... I miss you deeply!

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One for the books...

I've known about Jnrs' vision for years so to stand in it was brilliance - for all of his hard work and perseverance, we can't help but be proud

There were some faces I hadn't seen for years as I strive to form my own stability outside of this community.

Life for me is very, very different these days and it's not out of spite or competition - it's purely to hold my own in a world that is constantly changing.

My social battery is also not what it used to be and that's OK too

The last few months of zero alcohol, ciggies and substances all went out the window lolz and the vibrations were unmatched - ending my night at maccas 😁

There has always been a certain point in the night where I miss the signal for my soul exit and yeah, the memories of this energy always has me waking up the next day feeling like I'm a horrible person for choosing myself.

I hear every word he says to me, yet I don't understand how to give him what he is asking and it frustrates him even more.

I respect him, more than I can put into words, I just don't know how to alleviate this miserable energy he holds towards me.

Congrats anyways on the launch, looking forward to seeing your success continue if you'll allow me to🥹

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I miss you more today than yesterday - the sadness in my heart without you here still stings

I tried to find traces of your heart in my day, yes I know it's you because you are the only one to know my heart

I took this photo when you felt the strongest and there's a light ring around me - it's not a filter🥰

my world has been challenging lately and ended up giving myself a mullet - my last britney spears moment was 4 years ago aaaaaand I like it

my original plan was to do like the monk type shave that every little maori boy had when I was growing up but couldn't commit and kept the top (also my head is a weird shape) hahaaaa! 🥴

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#selfiesfordayze

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seriously need my family to stop forcing abusers back into my life - I will never forget that he tried to strangle me!

ya fucking killing me everytime you try to push his existence onto me

EVERY FUCKING TIME!

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Day 5 of being stuck in bed - turns out it's covid 😵‍💫

I can't figure out what I want to eat and if I'm even hungry at this point

everything hurts and just looked through my memories to see I got it this time 2 years ago for the first time

and both times it was after having my flu shot 😒

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one of the suckiest parts about living alone is that when you get sick and have been stuck in bed for 3 days - there's nobody that you can call and cry to, you kinda just have to let your body shut down and heal

I'm hungry but everything I cook, I can't stand the smell of

these damn coughing fits are giving me a headache no amount if nurofen can fix 😫

just came for a moan #mybad