system-error-303

[system-error-303]

Oh hey I forgot this was here. Hey. We buried Mom today.

I've been having so many days today. So many sides to the experience.

So many opinions and memories.

Overwhelming emotions.

Today I was reminded that... The masculine side I try but struggle to let out too publicly... Is a lot of boys actually.

I never got a chance to explore all the sides of it, and I'm so lucky I get to now.

Today I felt like people still aren't taking me seriously enough. I was told affectionately that I was so small. People assumed it was ok to touch me excessively to comfort me, which obviously had the opposite effect.

I want to work on taking myself that seriously. And being more assertive.

It would help... If I could actively tell people to call me Lile. I'm just anxious. And I think i'd have less social anxiety if my voice were deeper -.-

I need to buy a belt.

Thinking of transition - Lile

[system-error-303]

this reddit post is so good.

a trans guy who is also a butch who dates both men and women-- I aspire to be like this. oh, to play 5d chess with gender.

[system-error-303]

It sucks having to watch myself so carefully at work.

I'm hyper aware of everyone perceiving me. We work so hard here at not being cute, because it was a problem at my first job. I got flirted with a lot and I flirted back, sometimes without realizing, because it was something entertaining to break up the workday. I had a boyfriend, so naturally that became a problem.

It's hard to continually deny what you're feeling. I'm very aware of when I'm not feeling satisfied. I felt that way for a long time in that relationship before I finally ended it. I told myself I'd listen to my intuition next time.

Thing is, I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things and a lot of them are contradictory. System things, u know. So some of us were perfectly content in that situation, even if we knew it was only because it was better than our previous situation. But me personally, I have high standards. I'm looking around for something really spectacular. I'm willing to keep looking. Once the new wears off... It's hard to accept that I don't love where I am.

I'm starting to worry it's happening again. My new partner has plenty of faults, but I ended up with them because I fell in love actually. Against my better judgement. I really do love them, and I want to, I want to make myself even if I start to slip. She's worth fighting for.

Idealism? Yes.

I have wanted a movie love for ever and I want to have it now. Maybe I do. But I have depression in the way pretty frequently and it begs the question, how much of this is fixable? Is the price of love the constant denial of anything that feels off? Is it the willing acceptance of an imperfect lover in acceptance of your own imperfection?

Is there more I could have? How much do I deserve?

I'm happy with them. They're like me. I like being able to have deep talks, but we did that before, when we were just friends. But it was clear we were always too close for just friends.

But isn't it true that I frequently push friendships into romantic or sexual territory in an effort to make them deeper? Because it's all I understand how to do sometimes? How special is this relationship? Is it made to last a lifetime- is anyones??

I want it to. Because I'm attached to her and she makes me feel so special. This isn't me asking if I should leave my partner. This is just me expressing the everpresent imposter feeling.

Would she be happier with someone who can love consistently? Predictably?

No.

Because she is inconsistent and unpredictable. She is a mystery wrapped up in layers of ambiguity. Together we are more understood than we have ever been apart.

The feelings that attach me to her... Are harder to put into words than the ones that make me question.

It's love is all I can call it really.

Heavy, cumbersome. I want to make her proud or something. I feel like a dog. I live for the way she looks at me.

I shouldn't be so worried about my little hypersexual whims, as long as I don't act on them. That's just a hard thing to live with, battling the guilt of mental i fidelity while knowing you can't control that, it's half intrusive thoughts and half making the best of my continual suffering.

Siuiugh

-ennaya (mostly)

[system-error-303]

Heyyy

Yeah so I made a bunch of tumblrs for the aesthetic purposes of all my alters, but that hasn't left any space to actually talk about the experience of being multiple people

So here we are, a whole new place, for anyone to comment semi publicly on the state of things in the headspace.

Yaaaaay

-charlotte (I'm the narrator :3)