syeoga-blog

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Clear your mind here

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I’m confused. The fact that you’re mad as well confuses and concerns me. What are YOU mad about? Because I’m mad? I don’t know how you’d feel but to me, making me wait all day isn’t something i looked forward to. You told me 12. Then 2. At that point, there was no point in coming over anymore. Then you finally come at 4:30! I’m pretty sure you knew you had something to do later tonight as well, or at least you knew you had to go home pretty early. 

I was mad because you didn’t bother texting me that you really don’t know when you’re coming over. Also, you didn’t have to. I was waiting for you all fucking day and then it came down to 30 minutes of just silence because i was so frustrated. We planned to spend this day together for, what, a week? You told me you had to get your shots and I even offered “okay you’re gonna be far to get your shot done, so you don’t have to come over.” You know why I said that? Because I lw knew at that point, our plan wouldn’t fall through. I didn’t want my hopes to get high so i won’t be as disappointed as I am right now. But you insisted. And I trusted you. 

And all you can say was “I’m sorry, i’m here now.” Like..what does that fix? Does that fix the time I was waiting by the door? Or waiting for your text to atlas tell me that you won’t be coming for a long while???

the fact that you're made confuses and concerns me

and it also makes me really pissed off because this isn't the first time you’ve been inconsistent

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I’m so tired

So tired of feeling like i’ll always be missing something. 

So tired of thinking that things will go wrong when things are just right.

Im just tired...and frustrated

that I stay lying awake at night and staring at the wall

blankly

thinking what am I doing with my life.

What are you dong with your life? 

You’ve got a job, a house, food, a wonderful boyfriend and yet

the demons in me still pull at my strings.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

And it’s even harder to cope

when I'm lying awake

and your lying asleep. 

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Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.

Jasmine Warga, My Heart and Other Black Holes (via bookmania)

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I just want someone to genuinely give a shit about me. I want someone who wants to know everything about me like my favorite cereal, what color underwear I’m wearing, if I sleep with my door open or closed, and if I believe in heaven or hell. I want someone who will be there when the sun is shining, but also when a thunderstorm is brewing inside of me. I want someone to know me like the back of their fucking hand. Most of all, I think I want someone who would never think of giving up. 

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Grab her face and kiss her because you never know if you’ll ever see her again or taste her lips or smell her hair. When you see her don’t forget to capture the light dancing in her eyes when she’s talking about something she loves or the way she burrows her eyebrows when she’s about to kiss you. Don’t forget a single detail, because maybe you’ll never see it again.

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I do a lot of things wrong and for that, I think I'm a horrible person and don't deserve love whatsoever. Keep me as a mental patient.

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i honestly think that I'm a professional piece of emotional shit :-) 

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Here's what went wrong 1.) the antique shop obviously made me uncomfortable to the point that I wanted to leave but you insisted on staying even though I made it clear that it was making me uneasy. Of course I didn't want to make it a big deal Bc it was a good day so I let it but the uncomfortable level was getting higher. 2.) then when I was reminded later in the night I felt the uncomfortable and uneasy feeling again and I was just informing you on the possible situation and addressing it seriously because it's a serious topic and I refuse to take it lightly. And because of that you say I piss you off. Then when you realize that you did something wrong you suddenly take it back but I know that I was out of guilt. Sorry if I piss you off because I care a lot and just wanted to inform you on how these things work and that its serious. SORRY for being serious for once I'll be the funny sarcastic girl you came to love. Thanks for making me feel like shit again. Goodnight.

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Anxiety attacks aren’t always hyperventilating and rocking back and forth

Anxiety attacks can take different forms, such as:

Unpredictable bouts of rage or irritability

Nit-pickiness (obsessive behavior, which may be a part of OCD), and even a hypersensitivity to disarray, chaos, or any sort of change

Fast-talking, stuttering, stumbling over words

Not talking at all

Sitting rigid, staring into space, almost seeming “zoned out”

Understanding the way our or other’s anxiety works can help to decrease the stigma and help to calm a person faster and get them out of that state. These are just a few, but it gives an idea of the range in which attacks can come.

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The random spew of anger and irritation. I was having an anxiety attack and didn't even know it...that's so dangerous. I contemplate my life during these situations.

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yup it was an anxiety attack

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I honestly feel like crying and I don't even know why I spewed out so much anger and frustration and irritability our of nowhere I'm having an anxiety attack

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I feel exactly as I did a year ago...this is how I felt. It wasn't his fault...it was my fault. I was the problem. I now know that.

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Can't stop shaking and no one to turn to, it's okay

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you know saying you're not busy but you reply 20-30 min later and still claim that you're not busy makes me not want to talk to you at all

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i looked at love, when i was little and growing up, as something to be super happy and super elegant but no..love is messy, and can suck sometimes. there’s jealousy and pain intwined into love and you don’t realize it until you’ve found love. i guess thats why love sucks is because you don’t get the happiness that you saw when you were a little kid right away. you have to deal with the monsters that bring pain like jealousy and whatever. i have to keep reminding myself that showing how much i love a person is far better than my opinion.