sxra666

[sxra666]

am i cruel~?

[sxra666]

two plus two equals five~

and i am the love of your life~

[sxra666]

my thoughts taste so disgusting as i vomit them, heavy and disgusting, unnatural, made up, robotic, fake, shut up.

[sxra666]

yesterday was so heavy and i am crying as i am writing this.

you deserve better, from life and from me.

[sxra666]

you do so much for me, how can i return the favor when i am so useless.

[sxra666]

self destructive urges and contradictions, i've been a fool.

[sxra666]

i missed your story and i hate myself and life so much for that.

[sxra666]

you threw me in a spiral, AGAIN.

and i am sure this must be so trivial for you, ugh, why am i like this.

[sxra666]

her lips are so beautiful, electrifying~

[sxra666]

i thought i could earn your love one day, but the more i saw of you the closer i was to realizing that no matter what i do and no matter how high i would climb, i will never reach you, i do not deserve you and never will, you are out of this world, so desperately i sit down in the middle of my mind space, as i shed tears of joy and sadness, tears i did not know i had, tears that you planted in me.

[sxra666]

love, two years ago, we met for the first time, never mind me being all fussy about these little dates but i just feel like they are cute reminders, 365 means nothing basically and the same goes for 730, but i still like to take these chances to reflect on how far we have come, and i think about that day all the time, how i pulled that dumb thing when i saw you, i pat your shoulder and then went to the other side to confuse you, i was literally having a heart attack and i still did that somehow, how we remained silent in the bus and i kept eyeing you through the rear view mirror because i could not bring myself to look at you, how we managed to get ourselves together and talked for so long, i still remember being fixated on you digging with your feet ;')).

ugh ;'(.

you were so cool, i kept screaming inside about "how cool my girlfriend is", i still am, i was so happy that day, i sill remember how special i felt when i was going back home, i will never forget that day.

i appreciate you so much for giving me such happy memories, slowly, i came to realize that i was no longer feeling that sense of wanting to fast time forward to be physically together, because despite the distance and all the limitations and despite how

sh!tty life is and how hard it is, my day to day life was still filled with happiness thanks to you, i never thought love could go that deep that it would overshadow the physical urges, they are still there but what you make my heart feel and what you make my mind go through is so strong as well, stronger than i ever thought it could be, i felt this sense of relief, my anticipation keeps growing still, because if we are so far apart and you make me feel all of this, i think being together with you might (will) break me, and i can not wait for it, but i will, i will wait, with you, as we tell each others about the little details of our daily life, away from each others.

you are just so much of everything, you keep giving me new experiences and expanding my horizons and you do it without realizing it sometimes which still baffles me, i have always loved reading different kinds of love stories and fantasizing about experiencing something like that, all the while knowing that it is not possible, then you came and you did not give me that, you gave me my own love story, ours, it was not written anywhere before, it is new and beautiful and it is more special than anything i have read or thought about before, and i do not deserve that by any means but i am happy you chose me ;'>.

i promise that i will always cherish you and that i will give you my all, i will keep these memories that i make with you so close to my heart, they are my most precious belongings, it feels unfair for someone like me to experience something so beautiful ;'), but i shall not defy your will, if you want me, so be it, i will always try my best to be the best i can be for you, your existence feels surreal, ethereal, out-worldly, you are the most beautiful, the most caring, the most precious, the most cute, the most appreciative, the most giving, the most bright, simply but not simply the most perfect, i am happy that you are a part of my life, i love you and miss you so much that it hurts, i want to lay myself open to you, but all i can get out me now are these bits you are reading, i will let you unravel me with your own hands, i want you to watch me come undone, to see me in my most vulnerable of states, and in the middle of it all, i will hold you, i want to be seen more and more by you, to be felt and to be held, you are what i want the most, you are what i long for the most, it is the most beautiful form of pain i have ever felt.

i appreciate your existence and i love you so~

please keep being yourself while letting me watch, i do not want to do anything with my life besides that, i would follow you to the ends of the earth, i love you, i love you, i love you, you <8.

[sxra666]

in the end it's stronger than i know how to be.

[sxra666]

i have no idea what to call this feeling but it is so heavy and i do not know who should i hate for it.

myself is the only option anyway.

and i just feel like crying my eyes out right now, it goes back and forth, at times, her stating that i am "perfect" makes me so heartwarmed and gives me this great sense of achievement, i still do not understand how or why despite, the sheer joy and happiness it brings me overshadows that.

at other times, like now, it makes me feel so miserable, i do not deserve that, it hurts, i am not, by any means, perfect for her.

she deserves so much better, she has too much and she gives me too much, too much for me to get it all without collapsing each and every time, i fear that i am too weak, weaker than i thought.

there was no record of a human being and a goddess being in love and the reason for that is apparent for me now, a human can never take that, humans are for humans and godesses are for godesses, the consequences of breaking that law are taking a toll on me, and i choke on my words everytime i try to let it out, i choke on my thoughts, on my tears, i feel frostbitten, my heart is so full and empty at the same time.

you do not realize, do you, that nothing else throws my emotions in a spiral except for you, i do not feel anything as strong as what you make me feel, every time i am so sad that it shows, every time i am so happy that it shows, every time i say "i am on the ground", evey time i am less talkative, every time my heart is shaken, every time, it is you, you, and only you.

i can not seem to move on, it is accumulating and i am bottling all of it up, how long will it take for me to burst open~?

and how ugly will it be, i wonder.

[sxra666]

now here i lay, as i wonder about you~

would you just tell me what i'm meant to do~?

[sxra666]

your blood washes over me like cheap red wine~

your words are like bullets, leave me to die.

[sxra666]

it has weighed down on me so much that i had to tell you about it, yet, there are so many bits that i can not include, not yet, which makes the image of what i want to convey foggy.

i have cried well over 25 minutes today.

[sxra666]

i am as pathetic as the reason why.