sxdisticdemon

[sxdisticdemon]

remember, it's okay to discover your gender identity later in life!

if you had a feminine childhood, liked playing dolls, wearing dresses and acting girly as a child, it's totally okay! whatever you did as a child doesn't matter about your identity, you're still a man in the end.

discovering yourself later in life or even in pre-adults years it's totally common, not everyone discovers themselves when they were children due of stereotypes and how they got raised by their families

you are still you, and if you still like those things, know it's alright :3 if you don't that's totally understandable. for me if i was able to time travel, i would fix my childhood in a heartbeat, no matter if my family will put me on shame to play with boy things. i didn't got the childhood i wanted, but at least i used to like a lot of things, i just wished i had the right childhood if i was born in the right body

for mtf people, even if you liked legos or liked doing stereotyped boy games, know it's still you, again- it doesn't matter what you did as a child

the important thing, is that you discover yourself, and that you're okay with your gender identity, and remember: you're not confused! there is still time to discover who you are, it's not a race

be always yourself, no matter what you did 🏳️‍⚧️

[sxdisticdemon]

anyone that didn't had gender dysphoria as a kid?

hey everyone, if you read this, please i want y'all to let out a doubt that made me question after i came out as ftm 4 years ago, or that one of you didn't realized stuff way later in life:

my mom and i we talked about my childhood today and that's making me doubt why i didn't had all the dysphoria signs like some/mostly transgender kids had in early age, basically when they start to understand gender roles and expressing themselves with toys and stuff

for example for me it was the opposite: i used to love dresses, dolls, barbies, princesses and stuff and i didn't bothered a bit about wearing anything feminine except for drawing myself as a boy in kindergarten unconsiously and misspelling my deadname almost as the one i choose (angelo) and daydreaming about being a boy, i wanted to grow out my hair till my back, never liked make-up at all, always had few female friends, barely had any male friend.

when i hit puberty, this is when i realized to have tiny bit of dysphoria towards my body and i barely remember if i was excited that i was about to "grow up" and "maturing" or that i was horrified of the idea of growing up as a "woman" (even though i remember i was disgusted of seeing my chest growing up, how my body was getting curvier, and getting sad of bleeding for the first time, i was 11-12, never wanted a chest or bleeding in my mind.), most of my childhood memories are blurred and i barely remember anything except for two vivid memories: one is myself asking my parents if i was a boy or a girl, and the second one is my mom and i going to the toys section and i pointed out at the male cars that i wanted to get, my mom refused to get me those because i was "female" and i got so upset to hear that.

those are the ones i can still remember, but even the kindergarten drawings i made it's making me question that i wanted to be a little boy instead of growing up as a little girl.

when i was in middle school, i had my first crush towards a girl and i still didn't knew about lgbt+ stuff back then, i didn't even got my first phone cause my parents were scared that my ex classmates will go and steal my phone, so i didn't actually had one till later.

anyway, i had this crush towards a girl and i didn't know why. probably i was still convinced to be a boy, but that i still kept going to dress feminine, then i started to question myself: "am i probably a lesbian??" then after a while i came out as a "lesbian girl" because i did research and convinced myself that i was just lesbian and not something else.

but then, later in the years i started to feel anxious, depressed and disgusted towards my body. i remember how i was dissociating when i see myself towards the mirror and say: "oh that isn't me" after years and years of repressing myself the thing i felt inside me, that i wanted to be a boy without realizing, felt like i was an alien towards everyone.

i was 17, year 2020, in the first months of that year i started to have dreams of myself as a man, remembering how comfortable i was of seeing myself that way and that's something i never realized, or... noticed before. i firstly told my online friends about it and that they doubt of what i told, though they were super acceptful! some of them knew me before i was trans, joined the internet before that. i then decided to make research and that one of my best friends online told me that i liked to be girly as a kid, liked everything i told above. but that for me, i never felt like a girl at all and i was aware during my childhood years. i always felt different from the other girls and i never found a word to express the stress i had on my body during puberty, but that i completely ignored it or never noticed it.

one ex friend of mine (that i won't make names) talked behind my back with one of my friends few years ago, telling me (it was just his excuse) that i was faking to be trans because i was "copying" him (this isn't true), that i always liked pink, liked girls, liked girly stuff and all of that. he basically stereotyped all of this. yes, i was stereotyped as a kid and i never expressed myself how i felt. and how i wanted to be. but that doesn't invalidate me of what i *did* as a child and when i was a teen. i'm still a man and a person, human being even after years later, even without having dysphoria signs in my early age.

going forward, this is when i felt for the first time strong signs of dysphoria towards my chest and body: i started to find a way to "bind" my chest via towels because i didn't still had sports bra yet, i still wore bras (eww). my mom realized it and she asked me why i was doing this, i told her: "i'm uncomfortable with my chest", and she was confused why i was uncomfortable with that part. lately i also started to hate my deadname and being called with prononus i used to have (for more context: i firstly used they/them after that because i thought i was just bigender (and questioning myself ofc), then he/him after realizing i was trans and making researches, plus watching few videos of trans people and made me realize i was and i'm a dude! lol because it's something i felt on my childhood but i repressed it), everytime i feel myself being called that i get a huge knot on my chest, i even told that i'd decide to write a huge confession via letter as a true coming out and remembering how much of a relief it was, after holding it for years. hell i even tried to cut my hair by myself and this it was also a realization that i'm a man, my mom also saw it and she got upset because i told her i wanted to grow up my hair, but that i completely failed, because again, i never felt like a girl in my entire life. i also had a phase of hyperfeminizing myself before the realization.

btw, my mom accepted me as a son, she started to call me with he/him prononus and never told me transphobic things/or being mad, besides she was concerned and worried, then she brought me to a "doctor" which in reality he was a sexologist. i took few appointments with him till he told behind my back to my mom that he was going to give a pill to remove hair and.. shark week. which my mom decided to remove me from this sexologist, though i wouldn't never take that pill without knowing what's inside. besides it was around summer of 2020, i was more or less at the start. then i stopped for a few years.

i also started to be dysphoric when going to the beaches/pools, never wanted to wear that top bikini and basically started to refuse anything that is pink. even after 4 years i still refuse to go to those places without feeling dysphoric by seeing shirtless guys around.

my mom then started to brought my first 2 sports bra and that it made me feel a little better that my chest was flat to make me feel like i have a male chest, but that it wasn't never enough. but also, i also got few male clothes and wearing them for the first time, it felt more like... me. it was such an europhic moment and comfiness towards these clothes, and then i got rid of dresses and anything i used to wear before i was trans.

i even told the entire internet i came out as ftm, and that everyone were acceptful and proud of me, this it was a relief, tho. even though i have to remember they're people who are closed minded and transphobic, and i have to get myself prepared for that.

anyway, i also told even my family members i'm a man, my aunt was acceptful, but my uncle was the opposite and confused why i wanted to be that, and how i wanted to be called. last christmas it was also horrible because of him and his horrible arguments (aka taking me for a fool and stuff), i won't tell much details because this post is already long and i don't wanna add anymore, if you wanna know, tell me in the comments.

so yes, thank you for reading my story and i hope someone will or was on the situation as me, i don't want to feel wrong and invalided because i took so long to realize who i am. if i did research before, maybe i could even realize it, but i didn't.

if i was told personally if i wanna go back, i'd tell and straight foward, no. i don't want to come back from who i used to be, faking myself to be someone i'm not, repressing again what i felt as a child... nope.

if i even get told i'd regret to transition later in life, i'd tell them that getting on T and getting top surgery are my biggest goals of my life, they save me from anxiety and su1c1d4l thoughts, even if they're hella expensive, so i need to save up money before that. i want to be comfortable in my own skin and be free being shirtless, especially during summer and go back to love going to the beach/pools, just how i used to be before puberty hit. i used to be shirtless as a kid and i remembered how free i was lol.

that person i used to be doesn't exist anymore, looking back at pics of little me, hell i don't even recognize me anymore. i was a different, fake version of myself all the time, wearing that dumb smile and making people tell i was happier back then, i wasn't, i never liked to be treated as the one i used to be.

i'm happier and comfortable to be a man, being called with the name i choose and with right prononus (sometimes they/them are also okay if anyone doesn't know my gender, if you guys do as you will read my bio and all, please use only he/him, thank you!)

oh again, reminder: being a man it's not because i want to feel much stronger, i just want to be myself. i can still be sensitive emotionally but i will still be a man no matter what, i cry a lot, and everyone can do that too.

if you read everything and ended up there. i appreciate you listening to me. hope you will have a good day/night :)

[sxdisticdemon]

work in progress :]

[sxdisticdemon]

made this from the twitter trend thingy

[sxdisticdemon]

made this from the twitter trend thingy

[sxdisticdemon]

little gift i made for someone that I'm much close to him, i love him sm eheheh

I drew our demonsonas chilling together lol

[sxdisticdemon]

little gift i made for someone that I'm much close to him, i love him sm eheheh

I drew our demonsonas chilling together lol

[sxdisticdemon]

Their unbelivable swag

[ID: art of Kris from Deltarune, posing with their hand on their hip and a cool expression. They're in Dark World form, and their cape is the trans flag. End ID.]

[sxdisticdemon]

workspaces i use in clip studio :]

here's the ones i use, the main one i use it for drawing/illustration and i put the windows on the right side since i'm right handed, the one on the center i use it for an alternative workspace or for animating!

i used to work with the default workspace when i firstly used the program, but i'd prefer being creative and personalize the workspace, which it's my favorite thing from this program! i love customizing.

feel free to send yours in the notes, i would like to see!

[sxdisticdemon]

🦇🎩🃏 sxdistic demon's commissions 🃏🎩🦇

♠ bust $40 ♥ half body $45 ♣ full body $50 ♦ chibi $35

♦ more info on my site! https://sxdisticdemoncomm.wixstudio.io/mysite

❌ DND: bots, NFT'S, AI profiles. ❌

[sxdisticdemon]

🦇🎩🃏 sxdistic demon's commissions 🃏🎩🦇

♠ bust $40 ♥ half body $45 ♣ full body $50 ♦ chibi $35

♦ more info on my site! https://sxdisticdemoncomm.wixstudio.io/mysite

❌ DND: bots, NFT'S, AI profiles. ❌

[sxdisticdemon]

first drawing of october let's gooo

sharing this is much appreciated :3

[sxdisticdemon]

anyone that didn't had gender dysphoria as a kid?

hey everyone, if you read this, please i want y'all to let out a doubt that made me question after i came out as ftm 4 years ago, or that one of you didn't realized stuff way later in life:

my mom and i we talked about my childhood today and that's making me doubt why i didn't had all the dysphoria signs like some/mostly transgender kids had in early age, basically when they start to understand gender roles and expressing themselves with toys and stuff

for example for me it was the opposite: i used to love dresses, dolls, barbies, princesses and stuff and i didn't bothered a bit about wearing anything feminine except for drawing myself as a boy in kindergarten unconsiously and misspelling my deadname almost as the one i choose (angelo) and daydreaming about being a boy, i wanted to grow out my hair till my back, never liked make-up at all, always had few female friends, barely had any male friend.

when i hit puberty, this is when i realized to have tiny bit of dysphoria towards my body and i barely remember if i was excited that i was about to "grow up" and "maturing" or that i was horrified of the idea of growing up as a "woman" (even though i remember i was disgusted of seeing my chest growing up, how my body was getting curvier, and getting sad of bleeding for the first time, i was 11-12, never wanted a chest or bleeding in my mind.), most of my childhood memories are blurred and i barely remember anything except for two vivid memories: one is myself asking my parents if i was a boy or a girl, and the second one is my mom and i going to the toys section and i pointed out at the male cars that i wanted to get, my mom refused to get me those because i was "female" and i got so upset to hear that.

those are the ones i can still remember, but even the kindergarten drawings i made it's making me question that i wanted to be a little boy instead of growing up as a little girl.

when i was in middle school, i had my first crush towards a girl and i still didn't knew about lgbt+ stuff back then, i didn't even got my first phone cause my parents were scared that my ex classmates will go and steal my phone, so i didn't actually had one till later.

anyway, i had this crush towards a girl and i didn't know why. probably i was still convinced to be a boy, but that i still kept going to dress feminine, then i started to question myself: "am i probably a lesbian??" then after a while i came out as a "lesbian girl" because i did research and convinced myself that i was just lesbian and not something else.

but then, later in the years i started to feel anxious, depressed and disgusted towards my body. i remember how i was dissociating when i see myself towards the mirror and say: "oh that isn't me" after years and years of repressing myself the thing i felt inside me, that i wanted to be a boy without realizing, felt like i was an alien towards everyone.

i was 17, year 2020, in the first months of that year i started to have dreams of myself as a man, remembering how comfortable i was of seeing myself that way and that's something i never realized, or... noticed before. i firstly told my online friends about it and that they doubt of what i told, though they were super acceptful! some of them knew me before i was trans, joined the internet before that. i then decided to make research and that one of my best friends online told me that i liked to be girly as a kid, liked everything i told above. but that for me, i never felt like a girl at all and i was aware during my childhood years. i always felt different from the other girls and i never found a word to express the stress i had on my body during puberty, but that i completely ignored it or never noticed it.

one ex friend of mine (that i won't make names) talked behind my back with one of my friends few years ago, telling me (it was just his excuse) that i was faking to be trans because i was "copying" him (this isn't true), that i always liked pink, liked girls, liked girly stuff and all of that. he basically stereotyped all of this. yes, i was stereotyped as a kid and i never expressed myself how i felt. and how i wanted to be. but that doesn't invalidate me of what i *did* as a child and when i was a teen. i'm still a man and a person, human being even after years later, even without having dysphoria signs in my early age.

going forward, this is when i felt for the first time strong signs of dysphoria towards my chest and body: i started to find a way to "bind" my chest via towels because i didn't still had sports bra yet, i still wore bras (eww). my mom realized it and she asked me why i was doing this, i told her: "i'm uncomfortable with my chest", and she was confused why i was uncomfortable with that part. lately i also started to hate my deadname and being called with prononus i used to have (for more context: i firstly used they/them after that because i thought i was just bigender (and questioning myself ofc), then he/him after realizing i was trans and making researches, plus watching few videos of trans people and made me realize i was and i'm a dude! lol because it's something i felt on my childhood but i repressed it), everytime i feel myself being called that i get a huge knot on my chest, i even told that i'd decide to write a huge confession via letter as a true coming out and remembering how much of a relief it was, after holding it for years. hell i even tried to cut my hair by myself and this it was also a realization that i'm a man, my mom also saw it and she got upset because i told her i wanted to grow up my hair, but that i completely failed, because again, i never felt like a girl in my entire life. i also had a phase of hyperfeminizing myself before the realization.

btw, my mom accepted me as a son, she started to call me with he/him prononus and never told me transphobic things/or being mad, besides she was concerned and worried, then she brought me to a "doctor" which in reality he was a sexologist. i took few appointments with him till he told behind my back to my mom that he was going to give a pill to remove hair and.. shark week. which my mom decided to remove me from this sexologist, though i wouldn't never take that pill without knowing what's inside. besides it was around summer of 2020, i was more or less at the start. then i stopped for a few years.

i also started to be dysphoric when going to the beaches/pools, never wanted to wear that top bikini and basically started to refuse anything that is pink. even after 4 years i still refuse to go to those places without feeling dysphoric by seeing shirtless guys around.

my mom then started to brought my first 2 sports bra and that it made me feel a little better that my chest was flat to make me feel like i have a male chest, but that it wasn't never enough. but also, i also got few male clothes and wearing them for the first time, it felt more like... me. it was such an europhic moment and comfiness towards these clothes, and then i got rid of dresses and anything i used to wear before i was trans.

i even told the entire internet i came out as ftm, and that everyone were acceptful and proud of me, this it was a relief, tho. even though i have to remember they're people who are closed minded and transphobic, and i have to get myself prepared for that.

anyway, i also told even my family members i'm a man, my aunt was acceptful, but my uncle was the opposite and confused why i wanted to be that, and how i wanted to be called. last christmas it was also horrible because of him and his horrible arguments (aka taking me for a fool and stuff), i won't tell much details because this post is already long and i don't wanna add anymore, if you wanna know, tell me in the comments.

so yes, thank you for reading my story and i hope someone will or was on the situation as me, i don't want to feel wrong and invalided because i took so long to realize who i am. if i did research before, maybe i could even realize it, but i didn't.

if i was told personally if i wanna go back, i'd tell and straight foward, no. i don't want to come back from who i used to be, faking myself to be someone i'm not, repressing again what i felt as a child... nope.

if i even get told i'd regret to transition later in life, i'd tell them that getting on T and getting top surgery are my biggest goals of my life, they save me from anxiety and su1c1d4l thoughts, even if they're hella expensive, so i need to save up money before that. i want to be comfortable in my own skin and be free being shirtless, especially during summer and go back to love going to the beach/pools, just how i used to be before puberty hit. i used to be shirtless as a kid and i remembered how free i was lol.

that person i used to be doesn't exist anymore, looking back at pics of little me, hell i don't even recognize me anymore. i was a different, fake version of myself all the time, wearing that dumb smile and making people tell i was happier back then, i wasn't, i never liked to be treated as the one i used to be.

i'm happier and comfortable to be a man, being called with the name i choose and with right prononus (sometimes they/them are also okay if anyone doesn't know my gender, if you guys do as you will read my bio and all, please use only he/him, thank you!)

oh again, reminder: being a man it's not because i want to feel much stronger, i just want to be myself. i can still be sensitive emotionally but i will still be a man no matter what, i cry a lot, and everyone can do that too.

if you read everything and ended up there. i appreciate you listening to me. hope you will have a good day/night :)

[sxdisticdemon]

concept art of my sona's new design, things may change again!

[sxdisticdemon]

We back at the falls

[sxdisticdemon]

concept art of my sona's new design, things may change again!

[sxdisticdemon]

birthday moment 🎂🎊

hey guys, today is my birthday and I'm now 22, gods time flied too fast this year, it's incredible that I'm making this far in life, yet all my teenager and young adults years have been wasted due of lack of experiences, but! i still have a whole life ahead to start to something

anyway i made a birthday art for myself and i hope you guys like it, i stayed up till 2am to finish it 😭