sweetdreamsofmisery

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Today is Mabon! To celebrate, I cleaned my house up a bit, and made some nice hearty meals. I made roasted butternut and pear soup, and had some fresh sour dough bread to pair it with. I debated making an apple pie or blueberry tart, but I settled on muffins that I can eat, and take with me to work tomorrow. It wasn't a very... special? celebration. I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for. It was very simple and felt much like day to day but knowing the meaning behind what I was doing today gave me a little extra pep in my step.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I hate my job. Not all the time, but a significant amount of the time. They docked my pay by a whole dollar an hour, changed my job title, and never notified me about it beforehand. I only found out because I couldn't use my manager credentials for an override, and I asked the store manager about it the next day. I can understand why they wanted to change my position, but if they had talked to me about it, had communicated in literally any way about it, then I wouldn't be so mad about it. But they didn't. My DM didn't even give me a satisfactory resolution. I talked with him on the phone, and he basically told me, "I'll get more information and get back to you," and it's been over a week since then. Even with the rate that I'm being paid now, I'd be fine with my paychecks, but it's the point that they never told me that they were doing it, and I'm expected to work just as hard while making less money. I'm thinking about going to a lower paying job. I've been thinking about it for a while, but this was the line that shouldn't have been crossed. If they don't give me my position and/or my extra dollar an hour back within the next 2 weeks, then I really will be leaving. If I have another job lined up or not, I can't let something like this go without repercussions. As it is, I'm no longer working as hard or as quick as I normally do, solely for that reason. They can't expect me to do the same level of work that I was doing last month with less pay. I am so beyond frustrated.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I'm not looking forward to the next few days. I agreed to work some shifts at a sister store an hour and a half away, which means that I will need to leave at 630am to get there on time. I normally wake up at 6, so it wouldn't be too much to wake an hour early, but recently I've been sleeping in until 8 or 9. I got up around 640 am today but I was utterly exhausted for the first 30 minutes after waking up. Tomorrow and Friday are going to suck.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I am so irritated with myself right now. I went into the bathroom to get a different pair of tunnels, because I lost the back of one of the ones I'm currently wearing, ended forgetting why I was there, took a hour long bath, got ready for bed, then realized I wanted to paint the door in the kitchen before I went to bed, got the stuff out to paint, went a did laundry for some reason, and then went and laid down in my bed, without painting. Where I am currently. I didn't get the tunnels. But, after writing that, I find myself more amused than anything. How could I possibly be that scatterbrained? Ridiculous. I'm tired, so it doesn't matter what I planned or wanted to do before bed. I'm tired, so I'll sleep. Whatever I was so worried about getting done tonight, I'll get it done tomorrow. Or the next day. Doesn't matter as long as I at least try.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Yesterday was bad. Nothing happened. At all basically. I didn't leave the house, I didn't work, I didn't clean. I did the dishes, watched movies, read on my phone, and took naps all day. I felt so unmotivated to do anything. I felt so sad. I knew I should do something to help myself, like go on a walk, enjoy some sunshine and the beauty of nature around me, but I didn't. I just pitied myself, laid around, and did nothing. Useless.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

My birthday was yesterday. I'm 22 now. Way older than I thought I would ever be.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I started passing out again. I thought it was a one time thing on Friday. Well, a 2 time thing. But it happened again today. Out of no where. At least when this happened before I could pinpoint why and how but not now. It just happened out of no where, for no reason that I could see. I just. Forgot how to breath. And passed out. I don't know why.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I'm so tired. I slept fine. I ate breakfast. I drank water and coffee. Why am I still so tired?

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I had my first gun lesson today. It was pretty boring to be honest. A lot of stuff I already knew. And a little bit of time practicing shooting and reloading and such. I'm not very good at it but at least I stayed on the paper the whole time. I only shot the bullseye once but once is better than none.

I also brought home my new dog today. My current dog is not a fan. I had to separate him three separate times before deciding to keep him in another room while the new dog scoped the place, and then I put a muzzle on him and brought him back out to the living room. Not more fights yet but he is still so tense. I don't know how to fix this.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I got my hearing aids today. I acted happy at the clinic but really I don't feel anything. Sure they are nice, and everything is clearer than normal. But I don't feel anything about them. I thought I'd be excited like I was when I was told I would be getting them, but here I am. Void of feeling.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Look at that. I got through two more days of feeling absolute shit. Nothing caused it, nothing that I can't figure at least. And yet I still managed. I'm still alive. Today might not be the best, it might seem the worst, but I've handled it before so I can handle it again. I'm definitely not as... upset? That word doesn't seem fitting but it's the only one I can use to describe how I felt. An awkward mix of nothing is right but not wrong either. Everything felt as if it changed overnight specifically to disturb me. But nothing actually changed. How can I describe that feeling in one word? I simply can't. But today is different. Everything feels as it is where it should be. But yet I still feel unbalanced. Why? Maybe because I have so many plans in the next two weeks? Maybe because I feel rushed by myself? Maybe I just feel like this for no reason. I don't know. But I'll try my best to recognize and acknowledge how I feel.

I'm adopting a dog in a few days. His name is Rody. Well truly its Rudy but I like Rody better, and it feels more appropriate to separate his life before his time in the shelter for his time with me and mine. I'm worried how my current dog will take to him. I know logically that even if their initial meeting is less than favorable that they will get along in time, but I'm still so worried. Rody is such a sweet dog, and I want so badly to have him in my family, but if they truly can't get along I will always put my current dog first. And I would have to return him to the shelter. The shelter where I have been visiting him near daily for the last 2 weeks. I hate the thought of it. Even just thinking about it is painful. But not nearly the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I'm hopeful that it will go well but still worried.

Hopefully, sometime this week, I'll be receiving my hearing aids. It may be delayed until next week, but I hope not. They cost quite a bit of money, but nothing that I can't handle. While I'm excited at the prospect of hearing, I'm also worried how people will react to them. After all I'm not even old enough to need them. I know, logically, anyone can need them at any age, but I still feel anxiety over the idea of using such aids at my age. I know they will help me, and I know I need them, but I can't help but feel that I'm being dramatic over my hearing loss. Maybe it's not really that bad? Maybe I was lying without thinking to the specialist and could actually hear everything just fine. I don't think that I did. I tried to answer and figure out what they were saying to the best of my ability, but what if I did it subconsciously? In the end it doesn't matter. Because even with all those doubts I still know that they helped me understand better. I still know that I need them, and that I'm not just being dramatic. But I can't help but think that way.

My sibling will be leaving the country soon. I'll be taking them to the airport, which is over 2 hours away considering how deep in the mountains we live, on the first of the month. Less than 6 days now. I've never lived by myself before. And while I know that they will come back, I still worry that they will decide to stay there. That something will happen and they couldn't come back. I can't figure if I'm more worried to be alone by myself for a month, or if I'm more worried that they will get hurt and I won't be able to help them.

I have a family reunion to go to just a few days after they leave. Family reunion for people that I've never met. Never even heard their names before. I know that it will be okay, and I can always leave if I truly don't want to be there but I want to know them. Or at least, I think I do. I'd love to meet family and make connections that I've missed most of my life, but not with people that I don't like. I hope that they aren't bigots, but I won't be able to know without meeting them. I think that, out of everything I might worry about the reunion, I'm worried that people will try to hug me, to touch me. I hate it so much. I hardly ever like people touching me. And even my grandmother that has known me my whole life ignores my distaste for touch and often hugs me or leans on me or pats me on the arm and grabs my hands and pinches my cheek and kisses me. I hate it so much. I can't even handle it when someone I've known forever does it. How can I possible handle it when strangers, who think they have a right to touch me simply because we are family, hug me. I hope that no one will, but I know better. I can't prevent it.

I'd like to think after writing about all the updates in my life that are happening soon that I feel better. But I can't really tell if I do. I think I feel the same. A weird sense of anxiety amongst otherwise numbness. But it will be okay. I just need to get through today. If I get through today I can get through tomorrow. And then I can keep going. I'll keep going until the universe itself decides I can't.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

An hour and a half ago, I had such a different perspective on getting through the day. I know I thought to myself to be cheerful and hope that it would get better through the day. Fuck that. I'm sad. I'm tired. Im agotated. Why should I pretend to be anything else? That's stupid. I feel what I feel, and I recognize how I feel so why should I pretend to feel otherwise just to get through the day. I'll keep going, and today will pass, but I won't pretend to be happy if I'm not. I'm not a superhero. I don't need to be happy to make others feel better.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Today is hard. It's 8am. It feels like I've been awake for hours even though I only woke up a half hour ago. Yet I'm still so exhausted. I just want to lay on my couch all day and pretend nothing matters. But I won't. Because that would make it worse. I'll go through the day and try my best to keep moving so that hopefully tomorrow won't be as bad. Just one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I got this.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Old meme but I was bored

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I've been having work done on my house and renovating it little by little. I've started adding more decorations and furniture that can easily be moved when more renovations need to be done. And I'm so happy that everytime I add something or change something my house feels more and more like home. But I'm also sad. And I can't figure out why. It's frustrating but I'm trying to focus on the positives. Like I just put up my new bookshelf and it's over double the size of my old one which meannsss more books! Positives.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

I forgot how comfortable sitting in bathtubs is. Not to bathe or to shower, but to just sit. And listen to the vent buzzing and cracking. This used to be the place I would go to whenever I had a bad day. Whenever I was dissociating. Or whenever I needed a little comfort. My dog used to sit beside the tub and wait with me. She would sometimes even sit in the tub with me and lay on my lap. I missed this. I'm not upset. And I'm not dissociating. But there's still something so comforting about it. It feels like a safe place. Even if there's nothing unsafe about my environment, not anymore. Now that I'm just sitting here with nothing but my thoughts. I can't help but wonder if it's my safe space because no one ever bothered me in the bathroom. My mom would leave me alone regardless of how long I locked myself in the bathroom. Minutes, hours. The longest I can remember is 6 hours. 6 hours with nothing but myself, the rattling vent, and a cold hard tub. I wonder if having a tub in my own house would be helpful or harmful. Even now, I'm in a hotel, just sitting. Why? I could be doing so many things. But I'd rather be here. Just for now. If only I could understand myself as much as I want to.

[sweetdreamsofmisery]

Daily I consider quitting my job.