sweet-lavender-nothing - Tumblr blog

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

my sorrow comes from my lack of rage.

I should be upset

I should hate her

I should hate him

what about me

but I just don't care. I don't care enough and I honestly don't even feel like I care enough to be writing this.

maybe I'm broken or something, I just feel like I'm at the point where I should care about this sort of thing more

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

haha anorexia is a symptom of autoimmune hepatitis... I think I figured it out before my doctors did lol

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

also I've like completely recovered withoit even thinking about it so good on me I guess.

I'm going to leave my old posts up for the sake of documenting my life, but I'm okay now :')

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

I have my tilt table test tomorrow and NO ONE TOLD ME

I am so scared I don't want more needles in me.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

I'm okay

everything is normal.

I'm told.

I did it to myself

it's a sad sight

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

and I have to get a brain mri

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

have to get tested for pots now...great

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

lol here's this

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also my migraines are caused by seizures 🥺

idk how they didn't catch that one 5 years ago

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

it's weird to look back and remember that I hated myself. I don't remember why I did. I just know I did. it's such an odd feeling that I can't really describe. I know I'm doing this for a reason but I don't really know what that reason is. so here I am, sitting on my bathroom floor, 2 pounds lighter than the weight I thought I would never reach, my body fighting itself to keep going. and I'm wondering if it was all worth it. it had to have been, right?

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

I hate when I get to the scary version of omg I'm going to pass out. the other one is so much more fun

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

ugw reached and passed. all I had to do was be chronically ill. and it only took four years.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

not my dumb ass finally listening to all those people saying that higher restrictions are better. one pound away from my goal after so many years and it's because my body will shout down if I don't. weird how things end up this way.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

I was scared into thinking my ed caused all of this but it's just how I am. I have a rare genetic disorder.

also somehow have a fatty liver. I was told it was almost impossible since I'm so young and thin but.... here we are. at least I have an excuse to not eat now.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

they think there's something wrong with my liver. I have to go back for more tests on Sunday. I haven't stopped crying since I found out. I feel sick right now.

all for this advocating for your health shit until you're having a seizure because they had to take blood.

that seriously was the most scared I have ever felt, the most pain I have been in, and the most guilty knowing it was probably my fault.

it's moments like this that make me wonder of it's even worth figuring out what's wrong with me, if this is what I have to go through every time.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

all for this advocating for your health shit until you're having a seizure because they had to take blood.

that seriously was the most scared I have ever felt, the most pain I have been in, and the most guilty knowing it was probably my fault.

it's moments like this that make me wonder of it's even worth figuring out what's wrong with me, if this is what I have to go through every time.

[sweet-lavender-nothing]

realized it was because I got my period lol oops

anyways I'm trying to see the good side of things, I'm trying to be more positive, I'm so fortunate to not have to worry about clothes fitting me anymore, here's a pic/ body check in a new shirt I got (literally on the last day before I got refunded omg) also 2nd thing I've gotten in xxs that's fit!!

excuse my crusty ass sweatpants I've had them for like 9 years they are barely surviving

and I'm also so happy my local grocery store had the milk and cookies zero sugar chobani because omg I could live of of only that and be happy aa