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[swedishblondehermione]

Måndag 2/11 - 2020 Känner mig ledsen

Lucas fyllde år igår. Det var ingen bra dag. Det visade sig att jag tydligen inte sagt något om Rhodos till honom. Jag trodde verkligen att jag hade berättade hela situationen när jag skulle på toa och mina vänner pratade om "roddan". Han övertänker så mycket och jag förstår att det är jobbigt jag kan övertänka ibland också men jag vet inte hur jag kan hjälpa. Det är jobbigt att ligga ansikte mot ansikte och höra jag vill inte leva. Jag vill att han ska leva. Jag tror aldrig jag kommer sluta bry mig om ifall han lever eller dör oavsett vad han tror. Jag kommer alltid att bry mig. Jag älskar honom så mycket jag vet inte vad jag ska göra.

Det är också väldigt jobbigt att han lägger kommentarer om vad jag ska göra i rhodos som att han ser på mig som världens äckligaste hora. Jag fattar inte varför han skulle säga sånt om mig. Jag blir ledsen när han säger så för då känns det som han tror det om mig och det tycker jag inte är okej för det är inte ens sant. Inte ens i närheten.

Jag vill inte att han dör.

[swedishblondehermione]

19/8 - 2020    Dumma beslut

Tänkte skriva ner vad som kan vara det dummaste beslutet i mitt liv, vad som blev det dummaste. När jag var och festade med Cassandra från jobbet och hon bjöd mig på Lustgas. När Lucas fick veta skrev han bara “Jag tror jag gör slut, stänger av telefonen nu”. Jag trodde honom inte helt, jag var dessutom full. Dagen efter ringde vi ett antal gånger, jag var ute på Jakobsö och var tvungen att klättra högst upp på berget för att ha täckning och Vidar fick klättra upp till mig för att säga att det var dags att äta. Jag grät så mycket, jag kunde inte förstå varför Lucas tyckte jag hade gjort så fel. Det var så sjukt att höra honom säga att han ville göra slut. Så overkligt, som att fram tills nu hade jag inte ens sett det som ett alternativ, som något som faktiskt skulle kunna hända. Jag litar så mycket på honom och på att han älskar mig att det inte ens fanns på kartan. Vi löste det tillslut men det var fortfarande inte bra. Även om jag inte helt och riktigt kan sätta mig in i och helt förstå varför det var ett sånt svek så litar jag på Lucas och om han säger att det var det så var det så. Men samtidigt kändes det som att han inte litade på mig längre, dels på grund av detta men även på grund av anledningar som kom upp senare. Hans granne Linnea hade nämligen fått höra om hur vi blev tillsammans och om hur kaos hela förra hösten hade varit. Hon dömde mig direkt, av vad jag har fått höra, hon tyckte att Lucas skulle gjort slut med mig. Jag blir så arg men mest ledsen över att hon kan påverka vårt förhållande och bestämma att jag inte är bra för Lucas innan hon ens har träffat mig. Det gör mig ledsen och rädd att andras ord kan påverka Lucas bild av mig. Det är jobbigt också för att jag vill vara vän med Lucas vänner, då vill jag inte gå och träffa någon som redan direkt bestämts sig för att hata mig, jag tycker det är jättejobbigt. Speciellt eftersom jag skickade till Lucas att jag tyckte det var jobbigt och att det kändes som att Linnea hatar mig att han då visade det för henne. Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra, Lucas lyssnar inte på mig i det här och jag vet inte om jag vill träffa henne eller inte. Jag vill ju visa att jag är bra men det kanske jag inte är då. Det är svårt att ge ett intryck av vem jag är om hon redan bestämt sig för att inte gilla mig. Att hon redan bestämts sig för att jag inte borde vara i Lucas liv. 

[swedishblondehermione]

28/6 - 2020 Lite tankar om sommaren

Jag vet inte varför jag skrivit de här på engelska innan. Kanske för att distansera mig ifrån texten men det fungerar ändå inte blev lika ledsen och berörd av att läsa det ändå för det är ju fortfarande samma minnen. 

Tisdag 23/6

Midsommar har varit och det var trevligt, firades i Hamburgsund nu när vi sålt Torrskog. Jag började iallafall jobba på Sportshopen igen i tisdags. I skrivande stund är det söndag. Jag var lite nervös, första dagen och allt. Det gick bra men jag insåg snabbt att provrums “avdelningen” är mycket tråkigare än skoavdelningen. Jag verkligen längtade efter att få hälsa på skogänget och när Henrik gick förbi kramades vi och pratade kort. Kommer inte ihåg vilka jag åt lunch med men jag tror det slutade med att sista biten av lunchen pratade jag med Eric vilket var kul, han är jättesnäll och rolig. På min andra rast blev det telefon med Lucas. Efter min andra rast blev jag dock väldigt ledsen. Kunde inte sluta gråta. Hela tiden fick jag gå runt och torka mina ögon och gömma mig för medarbetare. Jag fattade inte riktigt varför. Just det, såg även Frans, på långt håll trots avsaknaden av mina glasögon. Att se honom förvånade mig eftersom jag kollat genom listan av kollegor och inte såg honom på den. Jag fick inte chansen att hälsa. 

Onsdag 24/6

Nu var det gråt redan från början. Jag var superledsen varenda tanke ledde till gråt, väldigt svårt att reda ut vad det var som fick mig så ledsen. Att prata med Lucas på min fika rast hjälpte definitivt, han fick mig på mycket bättre humör och andra tankar. Lite tårar mot slutet kom det ändå men det är väl så bara. Det var också ett år sen jag först var hemma hos Frans. Jag har dessutom funderat ut en rimlig förklaring till min ledsenhet. Det känns som att mina vänner har samlats men uteslutit mig, bytt ut mig mot någon annan. Bara det att varken jag eller de har gjort något eller kan göra något åt det. 

Torsdag 25/6

MYCKET BÄTTRE. Nya tag trots min stressiga morgon. Glömde ställa alarmet och mamma väckte mig 9.25 så bara 25 minuter försovning. Det gjorde iallafall att jag började ta med sminket och sminkar mig numera när jag kommit fram till Sportshopen. Idag hade jag samma rast-schema som Henrik. Vi pratade lite, han vet nu att jag har Lucas till exempel. På väg tillbaka från våran andra rast kom ämnet in på Frans. Henrik berättade att han och Frans pratat förra sommaren och att Frans verkligen inte hade haft tid för mig, eller jobbat så mycket att han gärna tog det lugnt efteråt. Absolut en helt rimlig förklaring jag förstår precis känslan. Jag mindes även då att Frans sagt det förra sommaren när vi pratade lite efter det att jag brutit ihop inne i butiken. Men samtidigt så var jag så ensam och vid det tillfället trodde jag honom inte. Det kändes som en lättnat att Frans inte hatar mig faktiskt som min tanke har varit det senaste året. Jag vet inte vad jag kände där och då faktiskt. Blev lite ledsen och behövde tänka. 

Fredag 26/6 

Idag kom Lukas Orehult och hälsade på. Han hittade mig precis när jag hade börjat och vi stod och bara snackade i en kvart. Jättetrevligt att kunna prata med honom och träffa honom så himla go kille hade faktiskt sett fram emot det hela veckan. Jag berättade för honom om hur dåligt jag mådde förra sommaren men GLÖMDE helt bort anledningen med det, att tacka honom för hans otroliga snällhet på bussen till personalfesten då jag mådde så dåligt. Jag berättade också att denna dag för ett år sen hade jag min första kyss. Mycket minnen som ska vara glada men jag vet inte om de är det. Jag mötte Frans också. Han var ledig och var där med sina vänner. Jag går mot dator rummet för att fixa några storlekslappar och utan mina glasögon ser jag inte att det är han direkt. Jag berättar det för honom medans vi kramas. Jag tror han sa “Kul att se dig” men det kan vara min hjärna som hittar på saker. Jag nämner nåt om att han är varm och han retar mig för att han är ledig i det fantastiska vädret, och sen är mötet slut. Jag hoppas på att kunna prata mer med honom. Jag kanske skulle behöva det, det känns som vi har ouppklarade saker. Men jag vet inte. Men jag vet att jag inte har känslor för honom på det sättet. Trots det drömde jag att vi kysstes, men den här gången var Lucas där också, det var som i höstas men byt Hannes mot Frans. Jag vill berätta för Lucas men jag är rädd att han absolut inte kommer förstå, han kommer inte tro mig, han kommer tro att jag fortfarande har känslor för Frans och han kommer använda min dröm som bevis. Men jag vet. Och den här gången gör jag verkligen det. Att jag gråter över förra sommaren är för att jag tycker synd om mig själv för ett år sen. Det var så mycket som hände och det var så jobbigt. Jag blir så ledsen av att tänka på hur dåligt jag mådde. Jag kan åka se Slottsberget och alla mina bra minnen är undantryckta det enda jag minns är hur jag satt där uppe och grät. Jag kan åka genom Fjällbacka och tänka på hur mycket jag grät när jag satt där på bussen på väg hem. Jag kan kolla bort mot skoavdelningen och bara längta tillbaka till förra sommaren, en av mina bästa men sämsta. Jag kan åka in mot Grebbestad och minnas de gånger vi gått där för att gå och bada, och jag kan minnas de gånger jag gått där ensam och gråtit, hela vägen in till busshållplatsen. Jag vill att Lucas ska vara här och hålla om mig, men inte han kan jag prata med om det här. Jag vill att han ska komma och hålla om mig. Jag tror jag ska ringa honom snart. 

Positiva grejer är iaf att jag klickat med Miranda, supersnäll 01:a dessutom med Alicia Karlsson vilket är kul, jag hoppas vi kan prata icke stelt i korridorerna sen när skolan börjar igen. 

[swedishblondehermione]

18/12 - 2019 Everything is amazing wtf

Loooooong time has gone. The friend situation is fine. I have talked to bith Linnea and Ida. I have also been doing therapy which have helped me through all summer stuff. But my biggest issue got solved by myself. Hannes-Lucas drama. A lot happened. Lucas wanted an answer, would I be with him or Hannes? Hannes didn't know anything. Me and Lucas went to see a movie and before I told him I would stay with Hannes. After the movie we went to the bus and all I wanted to do was kiss him. My thought was: If this is how Hannes feel for me it is not fair to be with him.

Friday 18 October

I invited Hannes to come watch my soccer game and after I tried to talk to him when he gave me a car ride home. I told him I didn't know how I felt about him.

Wednesday 23 October

A lot of thinking and my plan was to break up with Hannes this very day. I met him after school and he drove us to my house. I tried to tell him my feelings but he got it all wrong and asked if we could start over pur relationship. It was already hard so I kind of said yes. We then cuddled, kissed and played singstar in my house. He had to go and I had a new game. This time Lucas came and watched it was right before break and he stayed in Gråbo wednesday, thursday, friday too. While we walked home I stopped and kissed him. It felt so right even though I was technically still with Hannes. Before his bus came he asked one last time of I wanted to try long distance. I said yes this time.

Friday 20 October

Me and Lucas had planned to go camping for a long time, but it seemed that it would get rainy so instead we stayed at his parents. It was very nice we had a bit of alcohol and a lot of fun. Late at night we had sex for the first time. The next morning we did again and after that I went home. It was break and I decided I really had to break up with Hannes.

29-30-31 October

Tuesday Lucas were at my house, we watched a movie, made out and in the Middle of that Hannes called. I told him I was buisy but we decide to meet on thursday, Halloween. The next day me and Alice decided to go try the sushi in Gråbo where we met up with Lucas and Jonas. It was kind of awkward but we made it through and Emanuel joined us. We stayed in Gråbo until about 18 and both me and Alice were happy and energetic because we could hang out with people. Thursday came and I took the bus to Hannes. We talked for a long time while we were buying halloween candy. When we got to his home I told him I came there to talk so we did. We broke up. And he seemed to take it really well, we decided to meditate and I even ate lunch there. When I went home I called Lucas and told him. I think he was really happy. Also I spent the next two weekends at Lysekil, first with only Lucas, the second we went to a party which was really fun.

In conclusion, I am very in love, really. My friend situation is much better, me and Ida are becoming better friends. Today I am about to take the bus to Lysekil stay there Thursday to Sunday and then take the ferry to my grandparents to celebrate christmas.

[swedishblondehermione]

7/10 - 2019  Bad, bad, bad and shitty friends

When I was at Lucas I was stupid enough to let him kiss me and I kissed him back. Then I cried because I knew it was wrong. Then we went for a walk since he told me it helps with anxiety. When we sat down by the sea att Pinnevik my butt was freezing against the cold stone and he offered me to sit in his lap or on him. We kissed again and if I hadn’t been in a relationship with Hannes it would have been really magical and amazing. I cried again. We came back, kissed and I cried, I was also pretty drunk at this moment which is no excuse of course but still. The day after when I was no longer drunk though, we kissed again, apparantly I started it this time, longer than the other times even som touching of my butt which not seemed wrong. It was wrong anyways, wrong against Hannes which I don’t even know how I feel about. On Monday I went to talk to Hannes about this and he forgave me maybe a little too fast. Anyways now Lucas wants us to try long distance as if he forgot about Hannes.

On another note guess what my shitty friends did last friday. The went to a party without telling me. Or Bonnie, Linnie and Jill. So Saturday morning I woke up to many stories from the night and the party and I get to know it was in Partille. I wrote a long text to Ida and a short salty one to Linnea Brink. I asked Ida why she did this when she knew how shitty I felt the last time. To Brink I just asked how to get invited to partys. Ida answered with a long text about how she got invited to a party and allowed to bring just those three there. She regretted it and it would not happen again she said. To Bonnie she had said that they were trying to keep it a secret, that it wasn’t supposed to be known to us which says a lot about her. Bonnie then told me that Sofia said that was not true, they had not known that it was supposed to be secret. I don’t know what to believe anymore and I still haven’t talked to Ida personaly because she acted as if everyting was normal and I am really mad and disappointed in her, we will see what happens tomorrow.  

[swedishblondehermione]

28/9 - 2019 Not good but better

A lot have been happening. I contacted the shrink and I have had two sessions with her. For the first one I went away from calss to talk to her and I cried a lot which was nice. When I was done the class was over and I met the others who asked me where I had been. I told them I had been crying but I said it fast and walked away. Ida walked with me for a bit and asked if something was going on in my life.

- One could say that yeah, was my only answer. I then met up with Hannes and I met his dad then we went to my home and he met my dad. Which I did not want but now it is too late. Later when I was alone both Linnea and Sarah snapped me and asked how I was doing and that they were there if I wanted to talk. That made me so happy I cried. This was two or three weeks ago and now everything is better. Sarah is nice and we can talk again. Right now I am on my way to see Lucas. We have talked a lot over the phone and it will be nice to meet him again. My family went to Hamburgsund yesterday so I invited Alice to stay the night. I don't know if I would feel so good going with them. I need more time before I can go back there because of all the memories. Yes I still miss Frans, or at least I think so. The thing I'm missing might be our relationship, as weird as it was it was very special to me. I have talked to Emma the shrink about this. She said that it is fine to miss the thing we had because he was the first and that is something special. It really is. I wish with all of my heart that me and Frans will meet next summer and have something.

[swedishblondehermione]

27/8 - 2019 I feel like shit

I have been crying a lot and often lately. Yesterday after the football practice I was so tired but still I managed to cry until late late. Last friday they had a birthday party for Sarah. Everyone but me, Jill and probably Linnéa was invited. I cried about that too but called and talked to Hannes. I just miss Frans a lot, which makes me an awful human because I am with Hannes now. I think. I miss Frans so much it hurts but I am so mad that he can make me feel this way and that he was able to make me feel shit this summer. I tried to cintact the shrink at my school but she had lunch and then I forget about it. I also had to go to the bathroom to cry in the middle of economis class. Sarah is not a nice person maybe she doesn't like me. This is a very messy text so bye.

[swedishblondehermione]

12/8 - 2019 Wtf

Thursday 8/8

This day was my free day and I decided to go shopping since all my friends would be working anyway. When planning my trip I saw my chance to meet Hannes again maybe we could go swimming or something. So when I needed to chnage buses at sportshopen I went inside and pretended to look for my asthma medecine. I didn't see Hannes until I was about to leave. I explained why I were there and then told him I had to run to the bus now. But I missed it. Now I really had the chance to meet up with Hannes and he saw me standing alone and asked if I missed the bus. He offered to drive me home. To make our moment last longera I asked if he wanted to buy some ice cream so I payed for both of them. We then just walked around Hamburgsund talking and decided that we would go swimming I just needed to get my towel. We swimmed for a while and when it got cold we hugged in the water. We then went up and dryed in the sun on the tree deck. We ended up in a chair, that was not meant for two people, making out. We moved to a bed still making out. My shorts went off and soon my panties were the only thing I was wearing. His fingers were cold underneath them. He asked me staright out "Do you want to have sex" and then we did it. He asked me if I was sure a couple times first. When we were done the condom had slipped off and he kept saying how sorry he was. I was feeling a little sick so I just layed down on the floor while we Made up a plan on how to prevent me from getting pregnant. We had some pizza that was supposed to be my din er and lunch but we ate it all up then went to my bed to sleep. I am not used to sleep next to people and in Lysekil it was different because the bed was bigger. This time I think I woke up in the middle of the night and we talked for a short while then went back to sleep.

Friday 9/8

We had an alarm on at 6.30 which was really really early for me. He drove me to Tanum so I could visit UMO but it was close. Instead I ahd to go to the pharmacy and buy the pill which was kind of expensive. I got back to Grebbestad at maybe 9.30 and walked over to sportshopen. It was really hot and when I arrived I was feeling hungry and dizzy. I went to the lunch room and ate something small when UMO called. I talked to them for a while and felt a bit relieved because I probably won't be pregnant. I went down to the store to find Hannes and tell him that everything probably will be fine. This Friday had perfect weather so the customers for today was few. I worked with Frans and somehow I said something maybe about Hannes sleeping over and Frans figured out we had had sex. He had a million questions that I felt very uncomfortable answering. In The middle of this I had to say goodbye to Paulina since this was the last day we would be working together and her shift ended at 12.

Lunch came and my first half of lunch break was with Eric and Ebba who both had their last day. Then Hannes came and sat with me when they went inside to escape the heat. Hannes had hickeys on his neck which was not my intention so I apologized and we laughed about it. Back at work me and Frans started talking real which was good, I had planned on doing that for the whole week. I told him how bad I ahd been feeling and I broke down in the middle of everything crying a lot while my coworkers, minus Frans, was standing a bit away worried or confused. I then went to our back room (ish) and Ebba asked if I wanted dextrosol or water or if I was feeling like I would faint. But all I wanted was to cry more but not with her there. When I had calmed down a bit me and Frans went for a break. When going back at 17 I hoped we would not meet Hannes because that would be awkward. We stayed and talked to Lukas and some girl that I never talked to and I said goodbye to Lukas when Hannes came walking. Oh no was my first thought. Then the girl noticed the hickeys. They started laughing and joking around about it talking about how he must use protection because the girl did not wanna become godmother yet. I met with Hannes eyes then looked away trying Hard not to blush or reveal myself. Walking away from there was also embarrassing with Frans coming after me laughing. Then it was time saying goodbye to Eric and Ebba who had their last day. Saying goodbye to Ossian and Måns which I would not work with during the weekend. After my shift enden I went to wait for the bus when Frans and Henrik came walking over so I asked if Henrik could drive me to Tanum station for my train to grandma. We still had time so we went to Coop I told him about Hannes sleeping över and we talked for while adn it felt so good to have someone to talk to. I told him how good it felt to talk to Frans about me feeling shit and he said

"Yeah you have really been down. Some days it was so obvious I could see it in your face. And you and Frans also became more shy towards eachother"

I wish I had spent more time with Frans but maybe that would have been worse now that it is over. Anyways me and Henrik went back to sportshopen for ice cream with two other girls and then he drove me to the train. He then wrote to me on messenger and told me to take the right train. I did and then wrote a small text about how nice human he is and that I would miss him a lot. Then I cried the whole time on the train.

Sunday 11/8

My last day at sportshopen. I was feeling a little regret over not partying the day before since most of the sportshopen people was there including Henrik, Frans, Edvard and apparently Hannes. But at least I was not feeling so tired. I came in early and tried on shoes and saved them in the shoeroom for myself. I worked with Henrik for an hour before his shift ended and he went home. It was a fast goodbye but a good one nevertheless. The day went on, me and Frans had more of the heart to heart conversation getting to know eachother more, on the last day. When the day was over my mum came and scared me and then I said goodbye to Frans at the backroom telling him I would miss him so much I don't even know if he answered me but he looked up to the ceiling which is what I do when I dont wan't to cry so maybe he was feeling something there. I don't know. But now it is all over. Hopefully next summer at sportshopen will be great, even better I will be 18 and can get in on Terassen and maybe I will have my drivers license.

[swedishblondehermione]

5/8 - 19 Yesterdays party and Lysekil

This whole week has been so good! I almost cried on monday but apart from that I have been feeling so good!

Saturday 3/8

I was free for Saturday and Sunday. I went to Lysekil where Lucas have an apartment and was really looking forward to see him, it had been more than a year. I was also a little bit nervous it might get awkward. But it went fine I talked a lot he talked a bit too. His place was nice and bright. We played cards, went on a boat ride more cards, ate pizza and so on. Somehow he made me tell him basically everything about me and Frans. Lucas also told me about his run from the police which I had heard about from Ellen. We also jokes a lot about Petrus, apparently no one liked him, and I thought Lucas and Jonas liked him but no, they hate him. After the pizza we watched one and a half movie, during the Ace Ventura movie I suddenly felt really sick and almost to the point where I wanted to puke. But I say up took deep breaths and it got better. Somehow we started talked about depression and what he had been dealing with. I got to know a lot and it felt good that he trusted me like that. The worst thing he told though was about his failed suicide. No details but there was a rope, and when it got dark he felt relieved. Jonas was the one who found him and saved him. They were both 13. Thirteen!!! I had no idea and we had been in the same class since we were eleven. We spooned for a while and I later fell asleep.

Sunday 4/8

We didn't sleep for long, I was awake before eight again. This time I felt the nasuea again while we were lying really close. I ran to the toilet and started to hyperventilate, I really really did not wanna throw up. The weirdest part was that I tried to throw up and expected it to happen but nothing came from my stomach there was only saliva. Which was good I guess. We mostly stayed in bed and talked that morning he also annoyed me with making Jonas believe we had done stuff we had not. Anyways I went home, almost fell asleep at the busstation where I had to wait for more than an hour, and got ready for the party. Björn and Grandma were going home and they gave me a ride to Sportshopen. There was still an hour until the buses would go so I bought a bikini and some chocolate and waited. When the buses arrived I looked for someone I knew so I wouldn't sig alone on the bus. Lukas from my first try day was there and I say with him. Then I saw Frans. And my mood instantly became so bad. The second I saw him I felt so sad that I wanted to puke, not go on the party and also so anxious. The bus ride was kind of awkward I sat behind Simon from fishing and he was already very drunk. When Lukas next to me got a hold of a cider I asked if I could have it and we shared it. I was thinking that I needed the alcohol to survive the night, and maybe I did. When we arrived at Crusaders, Bullaren it was a barn? I met up with Henrik who had taken another bus. I also said hi to Frans. At first no one talked to me they just shut me out. I ended up at a table with Daniel, some tall guy named David and this guy with funny hair that I had eaten lunch with sometimes. After a while I learned his name was Hannes. For some reason I ended up hanging out with Hannes, David and Jesper (another one I had lunch with one time) for almost the whole night. Me and Hannes danced a lot and at those times I lost them in the crowd I found Henrik or Paulina or Ossian instead. When taking the bus back to Grebbestad it seemed as if everyone was going to Terassen which is a bar/club. I was not sure if I would get in since I am only 17 but the people I wanted to share cab with were going and Hannes encouraged me to try during the bus ride. Luckily there was no guard (a Sunday at the end of the vacation at 1 am might not usually need one) so all I had to do was get up there. There was more dancing, then me and Hannes went for some air and we rested in a couch together. We went in for some more dancing and Hannes was stupid enough to turn down his ride home to party some more with me. It was fun to see my coworkers drunk and dancing. After a while Hannes ordered a drink and we went outside laying in the couch again with a blanket over us. Hanna could see us. Måns could see us. Ossian could see us. Worst of all Frans could see us. I told Hannes that I was not happy to see Frans there and he told me to stop thinking about him which I think was a good idea actually. The night ended and I said goodbye to Hannes and got in the taxibus with many other people which made the trip much cheaper. I was home at 02.45 and went almost straight to bed.

Monday 5/8

I was feeling... Okay. Tired, a little repulsed by food but I still forced myself to eat breakfast and lunch. I threw up a little in my mouth once when bending down to pick up a shoe box but thats about the worse. I also had to Wall and then run to the bus feeling awful already. The first thing Frans asked me was "How did it go with the guy?" I told him it was nothing but he and Daniel just laughed. "Do you regret it?" I didn't know actually I had not figured that out yet. Ossian and Paulina also asked about Hannes during the day and I really did not know what to answer. But thats about it this weekend.

[swedishblondehermione]

29/7 - 2019 A little better

Today I feel so much better, I have not even felt the need to cry and this bus ride is going great. The only thing that made me feel a little moody was when I listened to "The Middle" by Gavin James this morning. To me this song has become a reminder of Frans, after we first kissed and his grandma told us to go outside we went fishing and had this random Spotify list on, this song then came up and I love it. So with the music in my head memories started to flow and it was actually nice but also sad because I miss him. The only thing that brings down my mood right now is that I feel ill, my throat hurts and my breathing is really bad and heavy today. It is very annoying that I can't feel good both physically and mentally. I have a free day tomorrow so sleep might be the key here. Thats all I had to say, I feel better and thats progress.

[swedishblondehermione]

Sunday 28/7 - 2019

There is only two weeks left of my summerjob, I should feel relieved but I just feel sad. Frans went home at 12 today and I didn't even ask if he wanted to anything because I dont want a no. Also because he goes away to camp tomorrow and I won't see him utnil next Sunday during the party. On Thursday it marks 4 weeks since I last saw Frans besides at work. It makes me really really sad and I feel so stupid to believe that he wanted to be with me. I will miss him so much this week and he will probably not even think of me. While I was still seeing him the thought that we would not see eachother after the summer felt far away and even if I wanted to think about I couldn't fell sad because I lived in the moment. Now I realize how much I will miss him when summer over and the worst part is that he probably will forget me. At least I hugged him goodbye before he went home today. Right after the hug I went to the bathroom to cry.

Anyways more problems will come with the weekend. Biggest one: I have no ride home from the summer party that ends 00.30 next Sunday. The other is that I will take the bus down to Lysekil on Saturday and spend the night at my friend Lucas apartment. I thought it were about to be fine but he also have told me that I am hot which makes me a little bit uncomfortable. We will see how it goes. The thing I look forward to the most anyway is the summer party, maybe I can fix the situation with Frans and maybe a little alcohol might help. If Henrik agrees to buy me some, I am only eight months away from legal drinking age anyway.

[swedishblondehermione]

26/7 - 2019 Things are back to normal - Shitty

16/7

Tuesday, work ended at 18.00 and so did Henrik and Daniel. Frans had to work until 20.00 but on his break we all met outside since Henrik and Daniel were about to try Frans moped. After that Henrik asked me if I wnated to join him on a "cruise" in his car. I was suprised but happy that he asked. We had a great time and talked, he asked me about my relationship with Frans and to be honest it was bad then and it is even worse now.

Thursday 18/7

During Wednesday I was really sad crying and all because thing went so bad with Frans. Thursday morning at work I opened up to Henrik about my feelings. How I feel so ugly and weird and hated by everyone. Gross, annoying and so on. He said he didn't think I was any of that but he might change his mind since I am very annoying. I am glad that I could talk to him about this at least.

Thursday 23/7

Frans had a free day so I asked if he wanted to go swim when I was done at work. He didn't answer in time and I got in my bus. After a while he answered but he asked if I was still in Grebbestad, which I was not. That questions made me believe that he wanted to swim. Anyways I knew that I couldn't turn around just for him so instead I just cried the rest of the bus ride home.

Friday 24/7

Since I believed he wanted to swim I asked him in person today, (no late answers!) but he had plans to go eat with his mom so instead I was all alone for an hour waiting for the bus in the extreme heat. Then I cried, a lot, the whole bus ride this time.

[swedishblondehermione]

10/7 - 2019 A lot of good stuff Part 2

So part 1 was written at 00.30 and this part is 23.15 therefore the same date.

Wednesday 3/7

Frans told me that he moved out to the small cottage outside his grandparents house and that he got it all for himself alone. I took that as a hint and asked if we should meet up after work, he agreed to do that. My grandma came to my work so she gave me a ride to his place and I went inside the bigger house. Frans were playing a game with his grandma and when they were done I tried it to. After the game he showed me a music making program he had been downloading during the whole afternoon and I say next to him watching as he tried to figure it out. His left hand were placed on my right inner thigh and his grandparents were outside on the wooden deck and could see us which I found a little weird. Frans hand was warm and he dragged his towards my knee and then back closer to my crotch every time. When he gave up on the music we went out so he could show me where he lived now. We both got directly on to the bed and started making out. After a while my bra got un clipped and his hand was under it and soon his lips. It felt really good. Unfortunelatly I had to go to catch my bus.

Thursday 4/7

Once again I came over, this time I were supposed to take the earlier bus. He had moved the furniture for his friends this time and we only had one single bed to be on. We watched a Youtube video and then started to make out. After a while he asked me if I wanted to lock the door and turn off the light. I said no since I had a tampon in. I want to but not today, I said, he understood. We then went swimming since his grandma would not stop yelling at him about not being inside when the weather is so beautiful. When we got back we played Corona, I lost, we played chess, I lost, we played othello and I lost again. Thats all that has happened ao far and I wish that we will meet up tomorrow and then actually lock the door and turn off the light.

Baby lock em doors and turn the lights down low.

[swedishblondehermione]

10/7 - 2019 A lot of good stuff Part 1

Hello a lot of good stuff has happened. It all started with my summer job at sportshopen. First day was tuesday 18/6 (Alice's birthday) I did not know what do to I was just walking around the store making it look nice, avoiding everyone. I saw this guy which looked kinda cute. He seemed to be a customer but my coworkers said hi to him and knew his name. While I was working me and this guy got eyecontact more than once. My mind started racing as usually when I am bored. What if camed up to talk to me, what if we started dating. The usual stuff my brain comes up with when I see someone cute. The next day when I came in to work he was there but in workclothes this time. His name was Frans and I asked him if he were there yesterday. Yes but only to buy working shoes. We started chatting and we are lunch together. If this is what a first date is like I could easily do it, I thought but then again at dates you are both there to see if you could work together as a couple.

Fast forward to the weekend, I stalked him up on Instagram and followed, a day later he added me on snap. Monday, 26/6, he got off at 12 while I had to work until 18. During my lunchbreak he asked if I wanted to do something after work. We went swimming, then played some football, then we are some dinner and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. We got closer and closer in his bed while watching the movie, when I put my head on his shoulder he wrapped his arm around me. For some reason I was freezing, or at least shaking. His hand were on the side of my stomach and sometimes he grabbed under my ribs to pull me closer. His grandma drive me down to the bus and Frans held my hand the whole way.

Tuesday 27/6

All I could think of was his hand pulling me closer right under my ribs. This day Frans were on some kind of schooling from the corporation and his friends were about go meet him that night so all I could do was wait.

Wednesday 28/6

Now it was my turn to go on the schooling. Frans had a day off with his friends. He told me what time they would go home and I took that as a hint and asked if he wanted to hang out later. He said yes. We went to his place and went directly to watch a movie. "Do you want to close the blinds?" I looked out the window and saw his grandpa on the tree deck with his back facing us. I agreed to close the blinds. During the movie we got closer and closer and I remember wishing our legs were closer and in that moment he rolled over and kissed me. My first kiss and I had no idea what I was doing. He noticed that. Embarrassing. "it is that bad?" he said no but I know it was. It was all a bit akward but nice. Later we went fishing and petting the sheeps. He then gave me a ride to the bus on his cross.

Thursday 29/6

We went swimming again but this time I took the early bus so we had no time for ~other~ stuff.

[swedishblondehermione]

21/5 - 2019 Everything is shit

I have no one to talk to. Not about this atleast. I love my friends but this does not work. For a while now Tony has not snapped as much as he used to, ignoring me and so on. So yesterday Bonnie asked me how things were going with Tony and I told her I thought that he lost interest in me. She then said that he found some other girl, Tess. Since my whole friend group was in front of me I hold my face and feelings blank and shrugged. Ida have me a sad smile and Sarah said "could he decide on one?" Bonnie then took me away from the other to "find a room we could sit in" but I think she really just wanted to know how I was feeling. But I can't talk to Bonnie about this she knows him better than I do and it would be weird, I have only met him once and talked to him through the internet. The others would not understand either. My Gråbo friends would not help. No matter who I want to talk to they will not understand. I feel so hurt and betrayed and Tess is such a beautiful girl. During the last lession I pressen my nails into my arm to stop myself from crying in class. Now I have nice red marks in my arm. I still feel shit and still have no one to talk to. I did not give up when he liked Sarah, but then I knew she didn't like him. I did not give up when she liked someone else but Bonnie said it was cool. But Tess is beautiful, and he has commented a lit of nice things on Instagram. It's over anyway, bye.

[swedishblondehermione]

17/5 - 2019 Just a little update

Today I realised something. I have never felt bad or sad while hanging out with my friends that I have now. It is something new for me. It makes me really sad that I often felt sad and moody when I hung out with the Gråbo girls. If I feel sad during the morning I forget it when I meet up with my friends, it comes back after but for a while I feel really good and happy. Isn't that amazing. I want to tell them how much I love them and appreciate them and hiw happy they make me but there are no occasions to do so. Some Day I will tell them but until then it will stay here.

[swedishblondehermione]

28/4 - 2019 Progression!!

Hello hello today is Sunday and I want to wrote about my friday. I already have a physical diary where I write everything that has to do with my love life so I can look back and be ashamed but I want to write it here too. Anyway back in Wednesday Bonnie told me and our friends that Tony would come down to the city to meet us. She said he wanted to meet me. Since we have been snapping a lot I really wanted to see him, hear his voice and so on. But I was afraid that it would be very akward. So Friday comes, I'm spending my day stressing out and for some reason Bonnie is too. "Tony i my best guy friend but I want him to be himself and I'm afraid that he won't". Tony arrived half an hour before our school ended and he had trouble to find the shopping centre where we were supposed to meet him. During this time my other friends made up a plan on how they could witness our meeting. (?) Bonnie was in on the plan because she thought that maybe it would be less akward. So when we left school and walked towards the centre she gave her key to Sofia and she and my other friends went to a café. Bonnie and I waited for him and I was extremly nervous. So was she and that did not help. We saw him after a while and I hugged him. Then we started walking to the café my friends were at because they had Bonnie's key. This day was really really hot and I was wearing tight skinny jeans. Really hot. At the beginning I was just walking next to them while they were talking and I sometimes said a few words but very quiet. When we arrived at the café we ordered some ice tea and now Tony was the one who was quiet. Bonnie's ex was messaging him really angry that Tony was meeting with her, probably jealous. Anyway that made a topic to talk about. We then decided that we would go to a park and on the way we saw a big Youtube group that we liked so we stayed to see what they were about to do. We then went to the park and just watched some of the animals and had a good time, saw another Youtuber that me and Tony both liked. Not much happened and when we were walking away from all that we saw a girl tanning showing most of her ass. Bonnie said something about her ass, nothing mean, and I said jokingly, nah thats nothing to have. Bonnie agreed with me and said Tony I think you should go for (my name) instead. Since the three of us were walking in a line with Bonnie between me and Tony I decided to pretend I did not hear her. When both me and Tony went quiet she laughed. It was akward. Then we went back to the central station so they could take the train home and I had to go meet some other people to watch endgame. (no spoilers) I hugged Tony and thanked him for talking the train down here and he said no problem and as I walked away I was already embarassed, "thank you"?? And now Sunday, i have been overthinking and convinced myself that he thinks I am boring, annoying and weird. This is too long already, bye.