swampsquid - Tumblr blog

[swampsquid]

Devourer of Fruit of the Tallest Trees

I can't sleep. The wound you left on my arm has bruised now, and I'm only crying because once the bruise heals, that will mean more time has passed since I last held you. You were supposed to outlive Rikku and Keiji, who are well your senior as you were still just a pup. It just happened so fast.

When you (literally) ran into our lives, I was so worried because our parents are too old to care for a baby pitbull. But they refused to put you in a shelter because that would have been your death sentence, so I spent weeks training you so that you can stay. We have given you all the love we can possibly muster.

Yours was the funnest little life we got to share, as you splooted and tippy-tapped and got on our very last nerves. Many times I had to leave work because mum called me crying that you ran away or AC picked you up. Many a missing pup post leading us to you after you've picked up whole new families. The time I stomped to the front desk to "give me back my dog!" and paid a fee to pick you up. You're worth everything we have.

I'm sorry I hurt you, I know that's why you bit me like that. I was trying to move you, mum and dad didn't understand that you needed to get to an emergency vet. Kuyah was already out building your wheelchair so we could take you for your walks still. But by the time I got to you, I could smell it. Something was wrong, we just thought it was still fixable.

You looked so confused when we were all laying on the floor with you, but you were just happy because the whole family was there. I'm not sure if you even noticed your legs weren't working, or that you weren't able to pee on your own. You hurt your spine, and if we tried to take care of you, you were going to suffer. You looked at all of our faces for the last time.

Mum gave me a bag of fruit. They grow too many, and you helped control the persimmon and pear population. You were the softest-hearted boy, running like lightning through the yard to jump and grab the fruits on the higher branches. We will continue to love you for the rest of our lives, and we will never forget our little pitty lechon.

[swampsquid]

Sandwiches

There’s a lot of reasons.

There’s our dinner date at Antonio’s in Boston, right before I became your girlfriend. When the building caught on fire and the smoke filled the sky, I grabbed your hand to run out and we stood on the opposite sidewalk laughing at the firefighter’s accents.

There’s the long drive up the PCH that you specifically chose so I can see the ocean and we could eat at a restraurant from The Fast and The Furious. We kept quoting the movie. And when we were leaving the national parks, we would pretend to rally down the mountains calling out “RIGHT MEDIUM TURN.”

We were in Miami sitting in a lounge smoking cigars when we were supposed to be studying at a coffeeshop. You reached into your leather bag and pulled out a little brown envelope and told me it would stay in the pocket that I placed it in when you had to leave me for Bahrain.

There’s relaxing in our hotel lobby in Dallas because we spent days dressed to the nines talking pilot jargon. Our Time magazines still folded shut when you turned to me and said you’d like me to live with you when I felt ready.

There’s repeating our favorite memories together because they never get old. You flying in from Ireland and you walked off your plane with two lobsters you grabbed from your stop in Maine. Key lime pie and coffee weekly tradition. There’s my “I had a bad day, I’d like to be held” and you wrapping me up with my favorite Ahas and nuts within reach. Offering me to drive the S2k when I was incapacitated, and me laughing at you because I wasn’t able to walk for a long time. Looking at you and telling you “I don’t like that you do this” and you saying “I want to improve.” There’s the fact that I’ve known you for a few months, and you are much of my core memories. That you’re letting me be shy sometimes, slow sometimes, because I’m still letting people into my space. You understand that I’ve been alone and learning for a few years. There’s that you let me love you on my own time.

There will be so many more flights and airport lounges, that I may never get used to, but you smile anyway when I get irrationally excited. You’ll be there when I get my doctorate’s, and I’ll be there when you transition your career. I know you have to go again, but it’s alright. I am going to tie the ends here and then I’ll meet you in Rome, my love.

[swampsquid]

As The World Caves In

To be honest, it is surreal. 

Three years ago, we just got back home from our road trip to Key West and back. It was also the time we were sitting together in bed buying plane tickets to see my lola for her 100th birthday September of that year. Way stoked that we got round trips for about 500 bucks, only to get stuck in Beijing a night because our plane caught on fire. I still have the videos of our sandbag pillows and cardboard slippers. That’s just what happens when you buy cheap.

I know what it is. It’s because today I can’t breathe and my office is dark. There’s a winter storm coming and I’ve gotten infected. Not enough oxygen to my brain, so it’s making me emotional and dumb. With all of this freetime, I’ve come to realize that I’m going to need to start meeting a therapist soon with what has become an unhealthy fondness for our old relationship.

It was two years ago that I was last in Key West, sitting at the small bistro set in front of our old airbnb. I called you and heard your voice.

There are many things that I know now I could have done better and that contributed to the death of our home. What you’ve done is neither here nor there to me at this point in time, because I spent all this time healing from you already. Now I have to heal from me and these unexpected and suppressed factors. I want to apologize, and without using my mental health and confusion at the time as a crutch. I mean it, and I’m ready.

I’m sorry:

1) For everytime I walked away from you. Whether it be out of the room or out of the house, I should have let you know that I needed breathing room and would be back. You told me what hurts you, and I used it against you.

2) For not allowing you enough freedom. The process should have been focused on more. I was caught between knowing I was suffocating you and preventing you from straying, but I should have sat with you and talked about literal, solid steps instead of getting so caught up emotionally.

3) Every time I yelled at you. I should never speak to any loved one like that, and just because I was the loudest doesn’t mean I was right or more important.

4) For not cooking or singing to you more. Two huge expressions of love for me, and where I always wanted to, I just didn’t. Then over time, my most precious expression of love.. I stopped writing you as well. Correction, I stopped sending the letters, because to this day I’ve never stopped writing you.

5) I wasn’t present enough. I literally stopped listening to you. This took me a while to realize and I think because it’s something you brought up, I didn’t want to believe it. You would be talking to me and I would just check out. I’m sorry, that must have felt lonely and it must have hurt. I’m very sorry.

6) For the ultimate stab. For cheating on you with someone really important to you. At the time, I had Ry in one ear empowering me to move forward, and Cody was in the other breaking you down before me. Then Cody yelled at me, and I will never forget his words and how I lost it. I let him get under my skin. I released my strength and let the wind carry me any which way.

There’s so much more. There are things I think on a daily basis, there are things I realize as I still analyze our memories. I’ve got one more brown envelope left, and I’m going to write it. 

I love you, and I wish you a happy belated birthday. And I wanted to let you know that the succulent you gave me for good luck for my Basic Life Support certification is growing happily in a thrifted Jack Daniels coffee mug.

[swampsquid]

Say I’ve Been Blind, For The Use of My Time

I think for most situations, “better late than never” is the best application. This was supposed to be for you - correction, us - and in the end it was all for me. Alex, after 2 years I finally made it to Cedar City.

I was sitting in Hash House A Go Go across from Fremont, eating the largest, carbiest, most dense breakfast because I was going to the Grand Canyon for a nice hike. It isn’t uncommon to venture out on my own anymore, and I can’t tell if I like it better or not. Overhead after I’ve paid, “Olivia” begins playing and I gather my pack, walking out in the boots you bought for me. It’s during this 2-3 hour drive that I fall in love with the West.

I told you from the start I want to live in Vegas. I was scoping out apartments, figuring out which areas I’d like best. I’m going to finish my Bachelor’s sooner than later and need to plan where I’ll go to graduate school. A bit ironic that the better schools in the country would be around Utah, but I’m specifically planning against it because I respect you. Or me. Or us.

After I finish a memorable, peaceful hike across a fraction of the Canyon, I finish my breakfast leftovers and take the car up to Cedar City. Boy, I’ll tell ya, BAD FUCKING IDEA. Turns out there’s a flash flood, but the compelling of my heart is stronger than my sense of self-preservation. It’s bad, and when I get there I hole up in a hip little bar, feeling out of place in my hiking gear. I take myself a shot and chat a tad bit, the place is worth a less-than-perfect Yelp review. I need to go home and the West is so much darker and spacious than the East and I’m terrified. It’s a painful drive but I get back to Vegas, tap my phone to the door and crawl onto my air mattress in front of the living room office.

You never had the pleasure of meeting all of my big brothers and I sort of find that a shame.

After a few straight days of drinking, smiling, laughter, life, I’m sitting at a little French café on South Main, eating a dry almond pastry when I take off to Zion and may this be the funnier of the two stories. I’m driving through Utah and falling deeper in love. I play Tyler Childers because maybe you’re somewhere a few hours away and I want to feel closer. I cry the whole way through, missing you with all of my physical and emotional being. You were right, I would have been very happy here. But there are too many more factors as to whether we would have been salvaged here. Not the sharpest chisel you’ve ever held, but I could had loved you well. I decided once I was there, that the Pa’rus trail would suffice and I would still absorb all the beauty that the park had to offer. This was a much clearer day, which of course means hotter as well. I have no idea what happened, but I ended up getting very lost and depleted my water supply. Pretty sure I saw a ghost family, ended up destroying some brush, made trips down to the river to splash my face multiple times. Evidentially I made it back alive, but damn was that a wild ride. While it’s still early in the day, I catch my breath and head back to Cedar City, just once more. It’s an opportunity to fuel up, is my excuse. I don’t want to spend too much time here, though, I want to go home. That sentiment is distorted because one could argue this is the closest to home I’ve been in two years. I end up sitting in a Chipotle relatively near the university campus and I’m reflecting on the trajectory of my life. No matter how I spin it, the way I am today is the best I’ve ever been in my life, and I’m continuing to grow everyday. I would have never gotten here if we stayed together. But now that I’ve made it to this growth, could we be? This “me”, you could have easily loved, and I wish you could have had the opportunity to catch me in these days. Driving through the West is beautiful and far less terrifying when the sun still hits it.

I’m gotten so strong and I can just say these things now without the weight of my shame: I miss you. I’m very afraid I won’t marry you. I wish I could talk to you and share our stories from over the years. I want you to find me. I want you to be proud of me. I want to see you. I want to try anew.

I want you to read my letters.

[swampsquid]

As the Wild Birds Warble

There. Outta left field.

I was asked for help bringing a motorcycle down from Long Island. Tickets paid for and a warm place to sleep, I wanted to make a trip out of it while I was up here. Call it suppressed, call it healed, but the memories of us start flooding. And, they don't stop.

Sitting in the Norfolk Amtrak station, I'm staring across the way at the firm cushions where we sat waiting for our train to DC. Another traveler occupies that space, unaware of my fondness for that spot. Not that I would have sat there, I think I may have began crying if I did. The train up to Penn Station would be overnight, and my friend packed up some stuff for me to travel with. I may be a better woman these days, but the thought of you taking my Switch will always make me bitter. I was perusing the games and settled on Cuphead. Facing my longing with frustration. We never completed the game. As the train charged forward, so did my exhaustion, and I lay across two seats. My helmet and gun tucked away safely, I'm able to sleep comfortably when my dream reminds me of what it's like to rest in your arms. We were coming home from Richmond, you stay up like you always do to let me rest. Once we get to the station, we get in the Civic and I order us a pizza to pick up on the way home. I'm sitting up now, gathering my things to step into New York at 3am.

I told you, the memories, they don't stop.

I still have another commute to get to Babylon. I'm standing amongst a crowd of homeless people, waiting patiently, and they are fighting. Fighting other travelers, fighting each other, fighting NYPD, and I am progressively annoyed. I was thinking about how you used to worry, and you always wanted to keep me safe. Senses up and hyperaware, I'm making sure I can protect myself if I need to, and you taught me these things. After this train through Long Island, what was originally going to be a nice two mile hike to the house, I just called a cab. I was too burnt out.

In the morning, I went ahead and changed the oil on the bike. My friend changed the lights and added some accessories up top. In my head, I was on the garage floor of our townhouse, and I hear Tyler Childers. DMX just died, though, so I switch on Spotify and in my absent-mindedness, I am sitting in the Camaro and we're getting Sweet Frog in Poquoson.

I'm telling you, they still don't stop.

I go to Cycle World, and as I dismount in their parking lot there is a Black and Mild inhaled to the filter on the ground. I recognize the meaning on a license plate nearby: OLNUMBR7. This might indicate alcoholism, but I don't drink anymore. Correction, I seldom drink now. Riding makes me aware of how much I actually miss you. In case your wondering, it's a whole-ass lot. This night, I'm getting ready to sleep and the TV is on. After all this time, there are still commercials for Logan? I don't know if you know this, but I fell asleep when we were watching this in theatres. I had to BS that I knew what had happened.

The next day I go to the city. I just want to be a tourist. The bike is parked, so I walk along. Yanno, I'm enjoying myself, and I remind myself it's because I don't actually have to live here. I'm walking down 5th and I'm hit with another memory.. is this the diamond district? Weren't you going to take me here? I don't actually know if it was or not, I'm just surrounded by jewelry, and I'm not going to look it up because I may just cry. Moving on. By the night, it's an hour to Babylon. By bike, the air is cool and fast, and I feel the weight of your hand on my leg, as we're already in 6th and steady. Riding makes me aware of how much I've grown and the things you've taught me are fruitful.

I'm about to shower, and I'm listening to Tyler Childers, bathed in the dim light of the bright clouds outside. I just say it aloud. I miss you and I love you.

(post to be further written, as I make my way home)

[swampsquid]

The Angel’s Share

I always thought that once you finished pilots’ school, I would have a chance to go back to school as well. A few day’s before college spring semester 2021 was set to start, I signed up for classes. We are a few months in at this point, but I’m already a quarter into the 200 clinical hours required and just about done with the junior year of a bachelor's degree. In a few years, if I keep it up, I’m going to be a doctor. You know how I was always tired of being broke; well, I’ll be making real money once I am done and fortunately all of my schooling is paid for and supported. I promised myself that if I was going through all the trouble of an education, I was going to go all the way. I have a plan, and I am so excited about it.

I went to Kentucky over New Year’s this time around. Obviously because of this “panoramic” I couldn’t finish what I wanted, but I have planned to do it in two trips anyway. I got this little Kentucky Bourbon Trail “Passport” that gets stamped in every distillery I go to. I got the first few in the passport done, and did a lot of wandering, eating, and meeting people. I like Kentucky a lot! I was surprised. Over the summer when it is much warmer, and all things considered, I will go back for a week and finish my tour. If you haven’t done it yet, you really should consider going as well. You’d definitely love it, it was our thing (for a while) after all. And of course, the broken record that I am, I would have loved it if you completed the trip with me and for me.

So much of my bucket list is getting done..

My motorcycle was dropped off today. It’s BEAUTIFUL, you would have so much fun riding it. It’s an ‘81 Suzuki 650. It’s the perfect size and weight for me, and there’s no immediate fixing I need to do (thank God..). I don’t work at the shop anymore, I didn’t have enough time to keep working on all the bikes and I didn’t like that I was working so hard on them and didn’t have my own to enjoy. It’s been one year since I got my motorcycle license, so it’s about time. It had been fitted with a lot of café parts, so already looking like how I wanted it to. I just need to throw on a lot of things the prior owner removed, like side mirrors, almost all the lights, a speedo.. he said he liked the look better without all the safety features. When I finish at least two classes this semester, I am going to take it through Skyline Drive to the Tail of the Dragon. It’s going to be so great, and I can go correct some bad memories I made while I was there. Did you ever see what I wrote in that notebook?

I had been trying to date. But in every man I meet I begin searching for you. If you’re not the one for me, then who is? I truly don’t believe I’ll ever have a bond with another person that will be as perfect as ours was, and for these past few months I have been content and accepting that I may not even get married. This thought is alright with me, and if I do ever find that love, it would just be sweeter. For now, although I am filling my heart, I still lose just a little bit to the longing I have for you.

[swampsquid]

Dreams Come True

Do you ever wonder what our wedding would have looked like? I would dream of our wedding all the time (of course you know this), since I first fell in love with you. I can’t remember what I thought.. what color was it again? Where did we decide and who was on the guest list? What details were even important to me again? Why was this even such a dream to me?

I succeeded in completing bucket list item number one.. GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! My, was it as wonderful as I always imagined. The trip was unintentionally perfectly timed: Halloween so that it was themed, during a pandemic making it pretty damn vacant. I rode everything, ate everything, and had cute outfits. I got so many photos, and I was lucky enough to have gone with one of my best friends. I felt so carefree, and I was so happy I couldn’t stop crying at things. 

It’s a tad funny, though, that I certainly couldn’t be any happier, yet thought about you each day. It would have made a difference, my happy there with you would have probably been unbearable and explosive. I thought about it. You wouldn’t care too much, but I would make you Star Wars themed ears. Whilst you’re drunk and we’re walking through crowds, you would do that thing where you scoop me and raise me up like Simba and Baboon. My arms would always be wrapped up in and around you. All while you’re wearing Maui Jim sunglasses and a hot dog fanny pack. My Disney World/Bucket List experience would have been complete if I had gone with you as your girlfriend. But something so unexpected happened that made this trip even more special and I wonder if he told you. I was in Epcot and spotted a lobster roll joint across the American flags and white picnic tables. Naturally I start singing “Crab People” and made a beeline for the cashier. Post lobster roll glamour photoshoot, I got up and was making my way towards the restrooms to wash my hands when I hear my name called out. I turned around and someone was looking me dead in the eyes. It was Evan, and I turned to stone. I just don’t move, and I lift my hands to my face so that I can cry. I feel so stupid because I’m wearing mini mouse ears and making ugly faces. He got up and came to me and hugged me. I can’t explain the feelings here, but they’re positive. Crystal comes up as well and they show me that they’ve gotten married. I didn’t realize I needed it, but to be recognized by someone that should hate me validated my heart. We shared a short conversation and went about our ways. I did see them two days later in Hollywood but our plans fall through to pilot the Millennium Falcon together. I hear that you two aren’t so close anymore. I find that alarming, however you know yourself and what would make you happy, and if that doesn’t stop you then it is alright (it’s not my business anyway, I know). Evan and Crystal, although you and I didn’t have high regards to them together, are doing the damn thing and about to live a wonderful forever.

I don’t remember the details of the wedding you and I would have planned together. While everything seems a blur in my mind, I have a very clear image (the only image I can even muster now) of you in a new expensive suit that you spent extra time on choosing, standing with your hands clasped and smiling that very hard smile you’ll sometimes do. And you’re wearing the boots I bought you; for some reason, this little attribute stands out to me the most. You would’ve worn those brown boots I think.

I still have hope, I’m not sure why.

[swampsquid]

Lower Broadway

For months now I’ve been dreaming about you. You feel so close, and so does my happiness; it’s as if the two can only exist together in another world. I wake up feeling more motivated than usual those mornings and often times manage to make the bed. I’ll even have coffee.

I was feeling overwhelmed a few weeks back and found myself beginning to withdraw from everyone. Too much negativity, too much work, and not enough time to take care of myself. I packed up myself and the pups and we went west. The three of us climbed Crabtree Falls (the highest falls this side of the Mississippi, as I’ve had to correct you when you took me to the shortest) and you would have been massively proud of the pups. We camped out and snoozed, secluded from the loudness of the world. The next day, after having chased a stray dog on the interstate and carrying her to my car, the 4 of us took to Cumberland Gap. On the way, I found the owner, and felt sad because she was such a sweetheart.. There were caves, peaks, bears, and a cornerstone of which we stood on together, placing us in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Virginia all at once. It was quite a feeling.

We were so close that I drove the pups all the way to Nashville. It has been somewhere I’ve been wanting to go, now specifically to walk the path towards healing. I found a little apartment right off of Broadway, close enough to walk to Hattie B’s and Lower Broadway, of which I did right away. It was wonderful, and it felt especially good to be journeying with simply myself. A few corners and I found The Johnny Cash Museum. I really didn’t know how I would react once I was standing at the doors and surely you would think I would lose my mind. I walked in and found it to be a lot smaller than I expected. I wondered where you two stood, where you sat, what you both found fascinating. The outcome of it all was that I had no feelings. I lost care about her. I felt no hatred, no pain, just a surprising calmness. I think wherever she is now and wherever you are now, we are all happy individually. Being in this museum was like being around you. Listening to music in the Camaro. Meeting you for the first time in that “holy old people” bar. Watching movies in bed and driving the neighbor up the wall. Running away from you in Target and reading you my vicious Yelp reviews. Nashville was an awesome place to be and a place I needed to be, and maybe I’ll get to tell you more about it if I ever see you again.

By that, I’m still continuing my way out west, and on my birthday we may be in the same city. It’s the last place I need to inhale, exhale, and feel normal about. Then, I go in whichever direction feels like home.

[swampsquid]

The Hanged Man

More than likely a defense mechanism against self-destruction, I have in mind that I want to write over my memories with you. I am very successful.

I went to Key West two months ago when I called you, and I was sitting in front of the key lime pie store at a wobbly bistro set watching vacationers stroll around. The calm before the drag-storm. I heard your voice, and that was enough. Your depth and sternness, gave me push. I walked past the Hemingway House, ate at the taco bar I left you at on your birthday, danced harder every tequila. I walked into bars I didn’t notice last time and made friends with locals. I ate island food and slept on the coarse sand. That’s how I should have celebrated with you, but even better, I was able to enjoy myself without those old feelings. Now when I think of my trip there, I don’t feel my heart sinking and I can wear the shirt I won from drinking scorpions.

A day ago, I was terrified I would forget you. Today, I find you slipping away.

And no, I don’t want you to go.

[swampsquid]

“It was a small thing, but it was a thing, and things have a way of either dying or growing, and it wasn’t dying. Years went by. This thing grew, like a child, microscopically, every day. And since they were a team, and all teams want to win, they continuously adjusted their vision to keep its growth invisible. They wordlessly excused each other for not loving each other as much as they had planned to. There were empty rooms in the house where they had meant to put their love, and they worked together to fill these rooms with midcentury modern furniture.. They were never alone; it became crowded. The next sudden move would have to be through the wall.”

No On Belongs Here More Than You. Stories by Miranda July

[swampsquid]

Poor people who win the lottery do not become rich people. They become poor people who won the lottery. She was a very beautiful person who was missing something very ugly. Her winnings were the absence of something, and this quality hung around her.

Miranda July, Birthmark

[swampsquid]

Korean Egg Bread

You were fiddling around in the other room, the one closest to the living room and across from the guest bathroom. After a day of pondering - what felt like a paralyzing eternity, what the fuck have I done - you looked my way and said you were moving in with me. So you were cleaning up this room since it was most unoccupied, starting deep in these huge militant lockboxes, organizing your things. I was in the kitchen, happy, mixing and humming Misfits songs. When the batter was the correct consistency, into the oven it went. You were always a man with a world of experiences, and you showed me all the coins you acquired during your service. Laid out on the carpet between us, first scooting the dog to the side, was a series of different coins worthy of display in the most honorable place in the house, wherever that may be (a trophy room next to dead does and bucks? above the fireplace amongst family photos?) 

The day we’d marry, you’d receive a coin from me. For your resilience, your pure love and understanding. For your survival of the trials, although not leaving unscathed, crossing the pillars of victory. It would have a special place between your other coins. Each and all representing your rise above painful obligation. Your hands in blood. Your walks through hell. You are recognized.

Fast forward, we fold our flag and tuck it away in the attic.

[swampsquid]

Little Brown Envelopes

I have this reoccurring memory of us getting home from the Renaissance Fair in Smithfield, and our flesh is sun-kissed and flush. Gunnar is panting from heat exhaustion and Rikku and Keiji are so happy to see us. We jump in the shower together and we set the temperature to frigid cold, but somehow it feels incredible. Every drop of water like sharp icicles melting into us comfortably. We’re just laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

I look back at our memories and sometimes find metaphorical meaning in them. That’s just a defense mechanism.

Most important is the state of my mental, and even my physical health today and forward. I found myself again, except far better from the me I once was, and I am in absolute love with myself. I am me and I am proud.

Somehow in this wealth of good fortune, I find my feelings for you stronger and more in tune within myself. Surely it is because I am now balanced and pure and happy. Whereas we tried to find this while we were together, it is evident that I had to do it without you. Our love divided, conquered, then survived.  That is beautiful and it proves that our feelings were/are true.

With this trajectory, I am bound to be someone amazing and a person you would be proud of. Then someday, I’ll find it in myself to let my heart go free and let another man have my trust. I just have to be ready, no rushing. As for now, I’ll take this inspiration you left me and write.

[swampsquid]

6:16pm, December 23, 2019

I'm here, I made it to Colorado. What now?

[swampsquid]

It's simple, but it's nice to openly tell my friends again that I love them.

[swampsquid]

Anchors, Away and Away They Go

I am making very good decisions lately. Moving closer towards my friends, creating new friendships. Standing up and speaking up about my mental health and my acceptance of it. Sleep finds it's way to me and I am my own company. I am involved in this world again. I am so thankful for where my heart and head have found themselves. No walking backwards or in circles, full of positivity and love. Back into the swing of things. I am healing ever so nicely. I am truly thankful for the ways I've been able to express myself.

[swampsquid]

A Failed Farewell

I have written you countless letters, words dancing out of my ink pen on how I am so happy to share my story with you. And how sorry I am that I would go on to end myself. 

Those nights I would be at the bathroom sink brushing my teeth and I would reach for the fresh sleeping pills so that I wouldn’t forget, shaking the un-open bottle as if it could be empty from a manufacturer’s mistake. There is only one shot, so I make sure to dot the I’s and cross the T’s. I place the handful of pills near where I will sleep, like a bland final meal for me to enjoy. The bottle must be thrown in the kitchen trash under crumpled napkins and the wasteful remains of dinner, and on my way down I kiss my family goodnight (unless we are clearly in that “fucked place”). The water pitcher is kept in the fridge so that it will always be crisp and ready, especially for these early nights, and I fill a glass to the rim. One more glance of the man I love, eyes tangled in the movie on the screen, sometimes feeling my presence and calling me to come near for one more kiss, before I walk into the darkness of our bedroom. Chin up, I swallow every last little bead of chemical and position myself comfortably. I cry, and I cry, and I cry more. My little trio of dogs and my warmer half, I love my little family.

The stupid part?

I would wake up. Every morning after doing this I would wake up. I knew I would too, possibly why it would be so easy for me to do and hopeful that at some point Death would pay me a painless visit. Each morning I did this I would wake up with my health about me, but dizzy. Stumbling down the stairs, very unsure of my driving abilities, and even more unsure if I should wake My Love for him to see me that way. I’ll take the chance of him calling me later to complain about my distance. Spending much of my morning at work with my friend caring for me of her own volition, likely knowing what I’ve done, guarding me from the others. Maybe this is why my memory isn’t so well anymore, because eternal rest just won’t come.

The letters would never leave, never find their way to you. My life, the breath in my lungs and steps I would take, continue to flow. My soul was bleeding out, but some light would always come to suture me together. It wasn’t until these recent moments that I realize each failed farewell was my inner lucky cricket.

I am meant to be more, meant to share love, and will find where I belong.

Fuck, I am going to be so complete.