swallowedbygrace

[swallowedbygrace]

stream of consciousness | a pleading

Today marks the 7th anniversary of God saving me.

And while I could go on about how my faith in Jesus has changed my entire life, the honest truth is that this season my faith feels small.

But I'm realizing that my feelings don't dictate every decision and my commitment to my relationship with God.

Anyways, I'm not really sure what I'm getting at other than that following Jesus for the past 7 years has been incredibly challenging and joyous at the same time.

And it is 100% worth it.

And if you're reading this, I'm 100% certain that God is inviting you to a life of better things, better relationships, better love. A life full of joy, hope, peace, and more.

Because fuck, this life sucks. Its hopeless. Its constantly changing. the world is constantly telling us our value and worth is found in worthless shit.

Your clothes, your TV, your chains, your wealth, your shoes, your academia, your career, where you come from, who you know, who you work for, who you've hooked up with, your experiences, the places you've been.

This world is always trying to make you prove your worth on a performance.

And when you mess it up, the world is quick to tear you down. And your shame follows suit every time.

You and I both know that no matter how much money we have in our bank account, how nice our clothes are, how eloquent our words are, how nice our house is, how many people we've slept with, etc. we still find ourselves feeling empty and hopeless and trying to do whatever we can to keep from feeling that awful feeling of inadequacy and insecurity.

We cant figure out why we push people away.

We cant figure out why we cant just get our shit together.

We cant figure out why we havent had friendships last longer than a couple of years.

We cant figure out how to shut off the damn voice in our head that tells us we need to be more, spend more, do more to be truly loved and known and belong some place in this world.

I write this proclaiming the Good News that Yahweh God sent Jesus Christ, his only Son, to live a perfect life, to die on a cross, and resurrect to show us perfect love.

Love that fills every void we have tried to fill with earthly things.

Love that promises that no matter how much we sin and blaspheme, Yahweh God is also our Father who loves.

Love that simply invites us to rest and trust that identity and worth and value and purpose cannot be summed up in such external, material things.

Love that comes simply by faith.

The Christian life and belief system is easy.

We acknowledge our need for help because we are tired of our own shit and recognize that nothing we try to do on our own ever works to fix us. Then, we look to Jesus and ask Him to help us.

And He simply says to follow Him.

To whomever is reading this, for once dont just click away.

I'm not saying say yes to Jesus right now (I mean, I could and you could and that would be dope af)

But consider your life, your habits, your sins, your shame, your fears.

Ask yourself what and who you run to when life is hard.

Ask yourself where your true hope lies.

Ask yourself if your identity is rooted in something unchangeable and eternal

Ask yourself if you're happy living the rest of your life exactly like this

And if you're brave, ask God to show you if He's real.

Ask Him to give you faith in Jesus Christ.

And I believe 100% that He will do it.

[swallowedbygrace]

For once I'm crying tears of joy on my birthday.

I dont know if it's because of the state of the world right now or what but I have never felt more loved or celebrated by the people in my life than I do in this very moment.

and God deserves all the glory and praise for answering my prayers.

[swallowedbygrace]

today’s gratitude list

June 28, 2020 

• Yesterday at both of my jobs, my co-workers were so stinkin’ nice. I’ve been experiencing bouts of sadness and anxiety at my job where I work really early. But my day got better when my co-workers made my day better just by thinking of me and helping me out.

• I’m grateful for my body. It’s strong. It’s fast. (I improved my mile time!) And I’m thankful that when I push myself, I prove to myself that every little victory is worth celebrating. 

• I went to Hobby Lobby today and bought stuff so I could finish up making prints for my art. I have such lovely people in my life who want my stuff and I’m so humbled. Growing up, I used to spend my days staring at this photograph of a vase of flowers in my parent’s bedroom and would try so hard to draw them. Then my dad told me he liked it. It was a pretty big deal at the time haha. But looking back it’s just an affirmation now that I was always meant to do this kind of stuff. 

• I went to ULTA and ran into an old crush of mine. I remembered why I liked him so much, but I also remembered why I changed my mind about him haha. Still such a nice dude and it was nice to see an old friend. 

• I bought a bunch of make-up too because make-up is FUN. 

• Cleaned my room after weeks of being in a depression. I saw a meme that said something like, “Cleaning your room after being sad for awhile hits different.” 

• Cooked dinner at home for the first time in awhile. 

• Finished mounting my art prints and packaged them up and I am so in love with how professional they look. I’m honestly so proud of myself.

• My cousin is in Japan and he found Ice Bear from We Bare Bears dressed as a pastry chef and sent me a pic. Not entirely sure if he bought it for me or not, but I just about burst into tears because of it. 

And last but not least,

I HAD MY FIRST FUCKING THERAPY SESSION. I’ve done counseling on and off through my church and school but while it’s been helpful at times, it feels like they have been short-term solutions. I’m finally feel okay and excited to push forward through the good and bad so I can grow and be better. 

[swallowedbygrace]

learning to handle grief

Late last year, my friend and I read through this book, “The Grief Recovery Handbook.” Its premise is that grief, while consistently experienced by everyone, is overlooked, misunderstood, and neglected. The book leads you to dismiss what we say to those grieving: “I know exactly how you feel, I lost (insert whoever here) and I miss them so much,” or “It’s okay, time will heal everything,” and so on and so forth. Because realistically, no one 100% knows how we feel. Two different people who both lose their mothers are limited in how much they can understand and empathize because one of them might have had a great relationship with their mother, while the other might have had a more complicated one. Time doesn’t heal everything. Healing is hard work that requires you to look inward at your own heart.

Eventually, the book leads you to graphing the memories and feelings you had with someone to lead you to understand that we are all imperfect. And at the end, you have to write a letter to that person detailing the things we’re sorry for, the things we have forgiven, the things we wish we had said. We all have a lot of things to apologize for. We all have a lot of things to forgive. We all have things we wish we could have better communicated. We all have a lot of growing to do. 

And I’ve been thinking about that process a lot lately. While I finished the book and all the exercises, it felt meaningless. But I wrote that letter to one person in February and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve felt closer to this person now that the past is gone and I’ve grieved. Now that the grief and anger from the past is gone and taken care of and acknowledged, I’m ready to move forward with this person in my life and I’m happy about that. We’re in a better place to move forward, to grow together, to be better. 

And now as I’m writing this, I’m trying to muster up the strength to keep doing the emotional work of grieving, to keep writing the letters, to keep graphing the good and bad of my past relationships because this week has been weird and long. I’ve been trying to cope with a lot of relational loss. Friends moving, friends cutting ties, friends dying. 

The hurt has been physical. It is a strange thing to feel your heart twisting and turning. It is even worse when you’re trying to fall asleep because you don’t know how else to care for your heart. 

The hurt comes at night or when I’m alone and there’s nothing to distract me.

The hurt makes me actually sick to my stomach and I find myself dry-heaving because nothing’s coming out because I haven’t eaten. 

The reality is that I’ve been in this place before. I’ve locked myself up in my room. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night realizing that those close to me have other people they consider more significant to them than I am. I’ve been exhausted longing for other people to show love to me the way I do (Not that I’m perfect or selfless). But I think we all feel that we bend over backwards, show grace, and give generously and selflessly to other people only for them to barely acknowledge the lengths we’re going to show love. 

But I think I’m learning to look grief in the eyes without fear that it will exhaust me emotionally, physically, and mentally. Because it will, but it’s worth it because we need to challenge ourselves. We need to learn to take care of ourselves. We need to learn how to feel and not react so quickly to those feelings. We need to see that if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we put those around us at risk of getting hurt by us.

I’m not afraid because I trust that God’s Holy Spirit will equip me during this season because I am weak and prone to growing weary quickly. 

But it is a praise to grow my dependence on God than on myself and my own limited wisdom.

For whoever is reading this, Thank you for reading all this. It’s a lot and it’s a lot of vulnerability, but I pray that you feel less alone. I’m honored that you would read this far. 

I pray that you feel the same challenge to grow in self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

I pray that you see your need for God and His Wisdom and not for money, fame, material items, drinking, drugs, partying, sex, or whatever your “friends” say it is you need because that shit is literal shit. That stuff doesn’t make you healthier, a better person, it doesn’t keep you from hurting people, it really doesn’t. 

I pray that your life isn’t just centered on pursuing happiness alone, but rather growing to be more gracious, loving, and kind to others and even yourself.

The human condition is tiring and exhausting enough without the one thing you can cling to when things get hard. May you have faith that challenges you and leads you to growth. 

To whoever is reading this, I pray that God finds you in your human condition and you let Him show you the better way. 

[swallowedbygrace]

Informal Introductions/Confessions:

I used to write quite often. To be honest, writing helped me from hurting myself when I was younger. At some point I stopped when life got busy. But I’m trying again because the human condition is complex and when I don’t honor that, I find myself detaching from others and myself.

So, this blog is a means for me to not hold everything in nor hold everything together. It’s a space for me to honor every emotion and every hurt and even every joy because I think for a lot of us, we go through life without slowing down to feel.

Our feelings are good. They’re meant to teach us regardless or not if they’re indicative of our present reality. Sometimes they’re meant to teach us something about themselves, sometimes they’re teaching us something about others. Sometimes they’re based on a false perceived reality or experience, sometimes they’re based on facts and evidence.

For me, I’m learning there’s a lot my feelings are teaching me but I either shut down or make impulsive decisions based on my fear, my shame, my guilt that play out in anger and sadness.

But this space is meant for me to explore the alternatives.

I want to slow down.

I want to feel.

I want to grow.

I want to be better.

I want to stop hurting.

I want to show myself the kind of grace that I’ve extended to others. 

I don’t want to wake up five or ten years from now with no emotional intelligence, no self-awareness, and a continued pattern of detaching from myself and pushing others away.

And I’m praying and hoping this helps.