swagodinero

[swagodinero]

my friend told me last night that he gets girls to come back to his place by telling them “oh i can’t wait to go home and have some stew” and “i’m so hungry, good thing i have stew at home” and it’s worked every time

[swagodinero]

George's date: I really appreciate you calling me back, I'm SO sorry about the whole "he/him" thing[laughs]

George: [chuckles] oh don't even worry about it. It was the top of the deck! I'd probably him me too

George's date: Right, right, well I'm sorry anyways–oh, wait, hang on–[she flags down the waiter] excuse me, she has a FLY in her soup!

[Closeup on george]

[Slap bass, cut to Jerry's appartment]

Jerry: Oh come on, what's wrong with she/her?!

George: it's patronizing! Do I look like a she/her to you?! Do I look like I have a she bone in my body?!

Jerry: Well certainly not in public! But you said any pronouns! Which ones would you be happy with?

George: None! No pronouns! It's too revealing! No-pronouns George, that's what they'll call me from now on!

Jerry: No-pronouns George! Unbelievable!

[Kramer bursts in]

Kramer: Did you guys hear they're kicking the puppy play club out of pride?! This is criminal! We BUILT this community!

[swagodinero]

>Morning shift

>Customer is angry that we disabled his card

>calm him down because it is a security measure

>We had to block his card because he spent 5k on Genshin Impact at 4AM and almost drained his entire bank account

>The instant we unblock his card he spends 200 more dollars on Genshin Impact

[swagodinero]

the funniest political commentary is "we need to stop far right infiltration of [government agency with responsibilities that attract the far right]"

[swagodinero]

i think about this a lot

[swagodinero]

As a clown I refuse to do sexy stuff in my real actual clown outfit because that is for the kids but I have a separate clown outfit for sexy stuff.

You’re a role model and a legend

[swagodinero]

You seem like you play halfling bards in DnD LMAO

new way to call someone the f slur just dropped

[swagodinero]

i need a STRONG ORC WOMAN to hold me VERY TENDERLY

[swagodinero]

A collection of cats from southern utahs petfinder

[swagodinero]

youre telling me a ham fisted this metaphor??

[swagodinero]

You are not prepared for this celebrity reveal!

[swagodinero]

[swagodinero]

[swagodinero]

[swagodinero]

i never realized cuneiform was made with the corner of a cuboid tool, i thought the wedge shapes were carved such that you would press straight down with the tool at a 90° angle to the clay

[swagodinero]

Breaking News: America dissolves after a meme was posted depicting the founding fathers as soyjacks pointing at a copy of the U.S. constitution

[swagodinero]

mads mikkelsen and robert pattinson need to do a movie together just because the promo interviews would be chaos personified