swagbitch666

[swagbitch666]

(lights a cigarette) nobody even wants to play toys anymore. (puts the cigarette out on a play-dough ashtray) because of work.

[swagbitch666]

its so sweet to me whenever a reconstruction of a neanderthal's face shows up on social media and people are like "oh they would have loved minecraft" "they would have loved weed brownies" it's so sweet. i hope that continues on to the next stage of human evolution. i want whoever comes next to dig me up, reconstruct my face, and for the girlbloggers of this far-flung civilization to go "duuuude she would have loved churfing back a freefing zarbee"

[swagbitch666]

there's a stage in sandwich consumption where it's falling to pieces & you're desperately cupping it in your hands & it's like this poor wounded animal that is covered in mustard & wants to die

[swagbitch666]

wheres seasons greasons

[swagbitch666]

God thinking about The Runaway Bride again bc ten was really like. I’ve only had Donna for a day and a half but if anything happened to her I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself. And then like two seasons later we find out that was LITERALLY what would have happened

[swagbitch666]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[swagbitch666]

⚠️ BEWARE ⚠️

the homoerotic girlbestfriend situationship CAN and WILL kill you

[swagbitch666]

i was jumanji’d too when i was a kid but no one cared

[swagbitch666]

That actually happened to me a couple hundred years ago

[swagbitch666]

highkey probably not good that my son traded our cow for some beans. unless they're magic ofc but what the fuck good ever happens in my life

[swagbitch666]

sorry my perverse desires are confusing should i kill myself should we invite sigmund freud

[swagbitch666]

pirate who's worried mermaids are gonna fuck his girlfriends: me fear fish want me women

[swagbitch666]

"READ MY DNI" no. use your block button like an adult. i'm not scrolling through the many-paragraphs-long pinned posts of every blog i reblog something from. if you insist certain types of people aren't welcome in the notes of your posts then it's your responsibility to curate that. or choose a closed social media platform like facebook or instagram. or go and live in a barn away from humanity if you really don't like sharing the world with people who are different from you

[swagbitch666]

"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

[swagbitch666]

this is what being twenty five is like btw

[swagbitch666]

Tubi is the best streaming service because it captures the feeling of a video store, but not a corporate video store like Blockbuster, or even a good indie store, but a rundown video rental place under a overpass weeks away from closing down. You'll find, like, 2001: A Space Odyssey next to a unwatchable copy of a 70s exploitation film and a micro-low-budget indie and a movie called STRIPPER VAMPIRE MASSACRE III but you can find no evidence of STRIPPER VAMPIRE MASSACRE one or two existing.

This is a real, commercial streaming service and they've uploaded films with the DVD menu visible for the first few seconds bc it's a recording of a DVD copy. What a titan in the landscape of streaming

[swagbitch666]

love when dogs come back to you with seeds stuck to them. lmao get used as dispersal idiot. that’s just what you get for snuffling the grasses