survivingyellow

[survivingyellow]

I Defeated the Wizard

I know that most likely no one reads my blog anymore because I am not very active on here. Which sucks because I really do have the heart to write. Just not all the time I would like to have. On that note, if you are currently reading this, I am happy that you are tuned in. I am happy you are alive and breathing. I am so relieved that you haven’t given up on me and my failed attempts at being consistent. And lastly, I appreciate all or even just little old you sitting on the other side of this screen. A lot has happened lately. Things I would really like to update you on so you know that I haven't just been out here dillydallying around. So let’s get started.

It’s been so long since I've talked to you all that I literally only have 4 more months back home until I drive up for my final summer in NY. But since I have been home, I was living alone in one of the houses that my parents owned and were renting out to me. But I was never home and one of my closest friends wanted me to move in with her and her boyfriend. So I did, I met a pretty cool guy named Jay that was her neighbor and we would sit on the back porch almost every night and smoke together. It was definitely nice to have someone to talk to and build a friendship with. I also started to party a little too much to try to keep up with all of my friends, even though I would much rather be sober to be able to drive my car and smoke a cigarette. Instead of drinking so much that I called Jvans a half of a dozen times to tell him how much he hurt me before I went to boot camp. (uh, rough). Still working on the food truck, coaching my nieces soccer team with Claire, and still trying to figure out what the fuck it is that I would like to start pursuing in life to actually get this thing up and running’. 

Things were going pretty good, but I realized just how much I think I hate having roommates. Because when you move into a house or apartment or whatever it is, with your best friend and her NEW boyfriend- they want their space. They started to not want to hangout with anyone. Isolating themselves because of their own insecurities. While still (I believe unknowingly) taking advantage of me and how much I would do for them because I supported them each and every way I possibly could. By the end of me living there, I had started talking to Alberto, who is also now my new roommate (literally). Not gonna lie, things have not been easy dating him the past few months. But just like anything good in life, it takes hard work. Berto is amazing, but just like any real person in this world, he has his problems. We have days where we fight, days where we love, days where we just don’t talk- but still know that the other person is always there if we need anything. We plan on moving to California hopefully within a year or so and have started to save up for it. Living together hasn't been easy (especially because we are still kinda new) But we are taking it day by day and not rushing into anything crazy right now. Because we are both gonna live for a very long time, and honestly... I know for damn sure that I am going to be spending a very very large portion of my life with him by my side if not all of it. So hurting all those times, crying into my pillow, or screaming at my steering wheel, being self conscious in public while I'm by myself and I was around couples... all of those times where worth it. Because I’m walking outta of the dating game with the biggest prize of them all. (A while back I wrote about a boy named David Bell, and how he is super busy so he would never have time to read my blog posts- I want to correct myself by saying that if a person doesn't have time to pay attention to the little things that you love- don’t. waste. your. time. babygirl.// Oh, and lemme tell you that David Bell did in fact. waste. my. time. thanks for the lesson though buddy :) Because Beto, I love the fuck outta you big boi. And that, my friend... that is never going to change. 

I have experimented with psychedelic's and started to understand myself a little more, I believe. Been studying wicca, working real real hard on my art, and smoking a lot to keep from trying to rush through life. (Progress, ya know?)

In the past few months I have met a lot of new people, some that I am super super happy came into my life, some that I feel like I could have went my whole life without knowing, and some that I know life would be hard to live without. I started to work at a restaurant until 2 days in when I had an epiphany that just because I have always worked in the food business- doesn't mean that I have to do that my whole life. And that no, I might have not been dealt with great cards. I may have just skimmed through to get my diploma and never applied to colleges. While I may not have had parents to help me out financially or the determination to do it on my own until now. But just because the past is definite, doesn't mean the future is. Make it your own. Make it different. (damn I sound like a Disney ad) But honestly, that’s all you can really do. I wake up now with a promise of hope to myself that everyday I will practice my arts and passions. To create my life as an artist, as a flexible, free, billowing soul. Held back with no restraints and ready to take on the world. Take your dreams seriously and get back up. You only have so much time left here before you don't get to dream anymore. 

The world is such a hard place. With so many bad people in it. People that drain you, that make you feel worthless. With times that are going to literally suck the life out of you. But because the world is a hard place, it just means you have to work 10x harder to get to where you want to go. That means that I quit that expediting job and hired myself. Taking 4-5 hours a day instead of picking up extra money, I am investing on myself and dreams to finally try to get this fucked up life back on track. I am always going to have a job on Poppy’s (as long as I keep a good attitude) as long as it exists that is. So I might as well take the cards that I was dealt with and use them well. I am going to make it out there, I have to. 

Now, I’m not using all of these experiences and excuses but as you can see, I have been a little preoccupied. And yes, there have been a lot of times lately where there is no one in this entire world that I would like to talk to other than to sit down and talk to you guys one on one. But just haven't had the strength, courage, will, or power to do so because I have just been so. fucking. broken... 

But I’m here now, and that's what matters. Struggling together like real adults. And as a growing, passion filled, beautiful, young adult with stars in her eyes, a crazy ongoing life, and enough love in her to keep the world runnin’ I encourage you to never. not once. give up on becoming the person that you are meant to become because your energy was strong enough to be created, and your dumb to think that death is even slightly equivalent to the strength it would take to kill your soul. I know what you are. And With that being said, I hope you all take this and stride. Contributing to making our home (earth) a better place, sharing your experiences, stories, and love with everyone you get the chance to help, and taking all these dumb dog food problems like a champ, getting back out there to get your prize, insistently trying to prosper on your own and killin’ it all with your bad self

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Fading Scars

Hello there my loyal, beautiful, passionate souls that still come here every now and then to read the words I string together by risk and love. I hope all is well, its been quite a minute. And i apologize to those that would like me to update more than I do. While I'm not the best at consistency, i am always here, alive, and breathing. So feel free to come to me if you need anything- ever. I gotchu.

I come here today to speak about somethingsthat I have observed, been thinking about, and struggling with. Because when I need guidance, I usually turn to all of you to keep my secrets and pass the love that I try to put out into the world. Thank you, by the way. I'm happy you're all still living beautifully.

Well, today is September 3rd, 2019. And tomorrow is the day I am heading back home to FL from my 3 month prison time in NY. And while this whole summer has been pretty uneventful, full of disappointments, failures, heart breaks, and a whole lotta finding myself- it has also been so enlightening. I've made some really great friendships (shout out to Cosimo, Lucas, Jon, and my favorite- Justo) I've eaten some good ass food, traveled to parts of upstate NY that I didn't know existed, learned and started practicing some Wicca, and bonded with some family members I had never met before. To recap, it was a good summer and I regret that I didn't enjoy it more while it was happening. But I think that's one of my biggest flaws... Constantly rushing my life. And it's definitely something I should work on.

Also, I've learned something really important- I think. I learned that sometimes when you're alone, doing things on your own like getting dinner or driving or even just chillen at home dancing drunk around your house naked when no one is home- and you think you're bored or lame because you're not one of those pretty guys or girls on Instagram surrounded by their friends... you're actually learning to love yourself. You are embracing who you are and the power you have to make yourself happy. To find a friend in yourself. And I didn't really get that before... But I have gained so much independence in the past 3 months and guidance from myself that it's crazy.

I read the alchemist, went to see a pyschic on my 20th birthday, found out that a really important person in my life has passed, drank beer and smoked with some hippies that are 3 times my age while chanting around a fire, spoken to my higher-self, meditated, attempted to get back into shape (hey, gotta focus on conqured and failed adventures), saw a million and one stars, restarted my future book, and listened to so much music- you'd be shocked.

All in all, I'd give this summer a 10/10. But I am so terrified of the future and going home. Although yes, I have been so excited to get back to Florida all summer- the day has finally came and now I just... I don't know. I met a guy named David Bell (he probably won't read this because it's too long and he's always super busy) but here's the scoop. He's great, makes me laugh, picks on me and gives me my attitude right back to me which is actually really hard to do. He's in the army and he's gonna be doing some REALLY great things in his life. Which I am so so super proud of him for. And no, we aren't "dating" because I have a life back in FL and I need my time to focus on me. As he does too. We're both growing and it's stupid to hold each other back. But I really do enjoy his company and I hope he sticks around for a while because I would really like him to be my person when I get myself established. But I've learned not to force things, because what I'm realizing is that- if you have to force your feelings... Or situations to be the way you feel they should be... They aren't fun anymore. So here I am, about to drive 20 hours back to FL where I put my entire life on hold to come up here. Press resume, try to pick up my life where I left off...and..I'm leaving Mr. Bell and all the friendships that I've gained.

Now, I maybe over reacting but I haven't been able to sleep for a few days because of the anxious ball that is me can't stop dreading being so far away from the life I created up here. But I'm gonna do it. I have to.

To conclude this over written, emotion filled rant... I just wanna say that it's super scary. To risk. To sit back and reflect how things in your life are changing right in front of your eyes due to the decisions you have to make. And while you may not want things to change. While you may want to just stay hidden in those moments that keep you happy... You can't do it. You have to say goodbye to Justo's. You have to risk David Bell meeting a pretty girl that can have a presence in his life. You have to get in that car and just drive. Leave the present and fear no future. Because whatever is meant to happen, will.

It'll probably be hard to say goodbye and you may not sleep for a good minute, you may go through a cigarette every minute, and you may hysterically cry for hours. But at least you aren't crying over Chase Baker any longer. And you moved on from that heartbreak. At least you can reflect on your growth and gain strength with this experience.

I'm proud of all of you that get in that car and drive. And I hope you continue to drive until your heart feels at home again.

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Wednesday Tears

Hey guys, I know I haven't been active. I've just been really going through some shit lately. But I wanted to share that I lost a very very good friend of mine recently. We hadn't spoke in a while, but he got me through some really...really tough times. Where I didn't know if I was making the right decision and wanted to flee from my current life, where I needed kisses to quench my hunger, where I wanted nothing more than to laugh underneath the stars. I will forever miss and love you Nathan Shorn. You were a beautiful soul and you will be missed by all that ever got to see what a wonderful person you were. I'll see you in paradise, sweet.

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Hello there survivors of yellow, I hope my absence hasn't effected your lives too much or at all. Because you all know that you can come to me for anything anytime of the day or night. I also hope you all are succeeding and always putting yourself first while also giving your love to others. I do have to say that I have missed you all immensely.

So let me update you all because I usually try to keep my life as private as I can. I am still living upstate New York, working on Poppy's Food Truck with my parents. We've been doing pretty good at every event Mama had booked so that's a plus. Sean went home a few weeks ago and I am happy he's home and safe, but I do miss having his constant presence around me. My dad made a grill to fix my car (Val the Versa) from the night Gem and I hit a bear on accident. He also started to paint Val yellow to go with my themed life.

There's not much to do up here other than work, drive, and think. So I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately. About where I'm going next. And what I want my life to consist of. I feel there's so much pressure to figure it all out because I'll be 20 August 4th. It doesn't help that everyone is always asking about college up here because you either go to school or get knocked up right out of high school. Neither of which do I see my life going in that direction. And while I would absolutely love to...well, love. Or even figure out what I'd like to do for the rest of my life, I figure that my time will come when I'm ready for it to.

Until then, I've decided my next adventure is to Thailand to visit Micah September 9th for a month. I know that the few people I've told about this has called me crazy. And I'd love to be able to act like I'm making the right decision and that none of this fazes me. But truth be told, I wonder all the time if I'm making a mistake and then I try to think of excuses not to go. But I gotta do it now or I'll sit it on my back burner till I don't even know when.

But that's exactly what I wanted you guys to grasp from this. We all have a back burner. We all have those dreams that we're all actually super terrified of accomplishing because of the "what if's." Ya know, people everywhere are gonna try to tell you what's best and what you should do all the time. But you gotta go with your gut. So no, I honestly have no idea how Thailand is gonna treat me. I don't know what I'm gonna get out of this trip or if it will be a waste of my time. But it's worth a damn try.

So Have faith in the stars, yourself, or whatever god you believe in. But you have to at least try. Do good for you. And the rest will fall into place.

I love you

Till next time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

#FuckJohnny

Aye there people of the interweb. Hope you're all still livin', breathin' and being safe out there you sex driven motherfuckers. So I come to you with news. In my last post I declared myself available to love and all that jazz. In this post, I'm gonna talk to you all about how fucky the dating world is. Brooo, I was out of the game for a while and really didn't even realize it. I don't really know how many of you are going through this, but for those of you that are just getting back into the whole lovey dovey ordeal I want you to know that you are not alone.

I recently started interacting with a guy that I actually really enjoy talking to. Can you guess where I met him?? Ahh yes, bumble. The greatest dating apps of all times (not to be taken too seriously) I got my hopes up for this one, dude. He was handsome as hell, had a nice personality, and he was even more masculine than I am. (Wow, shocking I know) now I don't wanna shit talk him or anything but things just...didn't work out the best and probably for good reasons. But I do want to say that even though we didn't talk all that long I do wanna say (I was talking to Sean about this earlier) that it does kinda upset me. It upsets me and it probably does you too- because if you're anything like me, you put energy and time into these people so they have an idea of you or at least the best version of yourself. Which sucks. Because you think that things are gonna work out and you put so much effort into it because you feel like stepping away is quitting. And not putting a lot into it, that you look like you don't care. Which all you wanna do is look good to these people. Like a first impression.

I don't know man, then I have people that are interested in me and read my blogs and compliment me and ask me on dates and I should give them all of the attention that I have to spare and yet... I just can't seem to do it. Probably because I have a tendency of finding the most toxic, egotistical, high maintenance kind of guys known to man the most attractive. But I just feel like... We gotta get our shit together. Start picking the nice guys. Start having higher expectations. Start valuing our time more than just wasting it on these temporary people. Such as....bumble boys and or girls. (btw is a whole other topic).

Anyway, I love you guys and hope I kind put in perspective what you may or may not be going though. Or at least what's been going down in my life lately. I wanna do something different for my next post. Like ask me questions and I'll try to help out the best I can without giving any of your personal info or names or anything. If you'd like to partake. My snap is Jancie00. I'd loooooove to give my input.

Till next time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

June Bug

Hey Buckaroo's! I know it's been a while and I hope everything is good in your neighborhood. Ya know how I always say that when I take a break, that I am waiting for something to come to me so I can wrote about it? Well, it's been a while for a reason and now, I have some veeery exciting news to share with you wonderful people.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a while since I have allowed myself to feel this way. And I have found that opening up and being vulnerable to the world after getting your heart broken is one of the hardest things you can do.

And I have tried to let myself do it before where I am able to love and give someone special my all. But honestly, I just don't think it was the right time for me yet.

Maybe it has something to do with distance. Because as some of you may know, I am in NY for the next 3 months. Which also means I am away from driving pass Chases house every single day. It means the place I hangout at isn't the same house I use to have a life with him in.

And this isn't me saying I am necessarily "over" the whole relationship. That I don't think of him anymore. Because I do and I am almost positive that I always will. I also know that everyone moves at their own pace and for me it has taken almost an entire year. A year of constant questioning when I will ever feel better, or why guys don't like me for me just being my empowering "I don't give a fuck about anyone's opinions" personality. A year full of self exploration. Of looking for someone to be just like him. Not allowing myself to see the good that other people have to offer the world...and me.

This also doesn't mean I think the next person I stumble across will be "the one." He\she is probably not coming into my life for a while. But I think I've taken a long enough break for me to heal. So now, this is me declaring to the world that I think I am ready. To love again. Ready to possibly be broken hearted all over again. Ready to put myself back out there with hope and good intentions.

Look out world, get ready for my passion. Because here I come

Till next time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

24k

Hey there, Beauts. I hope you all liked my latest post those of you that read it at least. I haven't been able to promote much of SurvivingYellow because I have decided to take a break from Social media for a bit. Just to see who I am without it and try to focus on my day to day life and less about how others perceive me. I hope you can all see where I'm coming from and consider trying it for yourself-that'd be rad.

So the other day I was reading my horoscope to Sean (aka my best friend) and my health was supposed to be really low towards the end of this month. I didn't think much of it until I had a gallbladder attack that started yesterday and is currently ending today. I'm recovering now- thank you to those that have checked in on me and care enough to ask how I'm doing. But now I'm here to answer some questions that I've been asked and I feel I should share with you. So no, I have not had an ultrasound to tell me whether or not I have gallstones but my symptoms match pretty well and my doctor told me to go get an ultrasound. Which I would totally love to do- but sadly I don't have insurance and I also don't have 300 dollars to spare. But from what I have researched, gallstones block a passageway and it affects the bile in your body and how you produce it. You have to have a strict low fat- high natural starchy carb diet. Which I do an okay job at following- but when I slip up, my belly bloats to where I look like I am over two hundred pounds again, there is a constant intense pain in my back and under my right breast plate due to the pressure and gas in my body, and I get super nauseous and I feel like I need to purge everything in my body. (Sorry if that was too descriptive, but that's pretty much the gist of it all) and it usually ends after a few hours of me crying and throwing up, floating in the bath tub to take the pressure built up in my body off my lungs.

So I am now really looking into ways for me to get it all checked out and taken care of because living in a constant fear of everything I am eating really puts a damper on a healthy relationship with food. Another question that I get asked a lot is how did I develop the gallstones- that I think I have. And from what I can tell, some of the things that can cause you to get them is rapid weight loss. Which brings me back to when I lost the 70 pounds in 3-4 months to join the Marine Corps after Chase and I broke up. And I don't really think you guys or anyone really knows the extent of how bad my relationship with food got. And again, I didn't get diagnosed but if I really think about my mindset when I developed such a bad habit- I'd have to say it was borderline anorexia.

While going through it, it felt more as like an accomplishment rather than something to be disappointed in. It felt good to wake up in the morning, work out, drink my black coffee, and go an entire day without eating and living to tell the tale. But after the day was over.. and it was three days later.. I wasn't so much "living" anymore.

My dad use to be so concerned for me with bags under my eyes and absolutely no strength left in me. My mom use to beg me to eat and I would lie to her and tell her how much I had already eaten that day. Knowing that in reality, my belly was completely empty- screaming at me for some nutrients. Instead of just alcohol, coffee, and nicotine.

Without giving you ALL of the gory details, I'll just tell you that it got pretty bad. But when I got back to eating food (about a month before shipping out) I started having gallbladder attacks for the first time. But my mom recognized it as that because she had gallstones when she was my age. And had to have it removed.

Anyway.. sorry for taking you on an adventure through my medical history.. but honestly- the main reason I'm sharing this is because I know that since we are young and a lot of us don't treat our bodies the best and we think by us just not eating because we aren't hungry, that we will lose weight faster- I want you guys to be aware of some of the consequences to those acts. And to really try to focus on yourself and healthy habits. Because I genuinely care about you guys and your health (mental, physical, and emotional) but thank you for caring and asking questions and being the wonderful people you are. Continue to be rad and I'll catch you on the flip side

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Hope

Star crossed lovers.

Oh baby, oh baby I know you don't love me the way you once did or maybe not even at all anymore.

And no maybe we are not meant to be together here in this lifetime. Maybe you are never gonna come running home with wild flowers in your hand and a heart full of blood to give me.

Maybe the pain you caused in me was an accident

Maybe we met too young this time

Maybe I will still have to gasp for air at night and maybe I will wake up with tears in my eyes tomorrow

And maybe tomorrow's will last until this body I possess takes its last breath.

But I have hope- in the stars, in your promises, in your soul that we will meet again.

In every single lifetime, where I exist- I will find you or you will find me.

And we will have another shot at love

Forgetting everything you did that ripped me apart

Only to feel that our souls are meant to be

Whether you are a fruit, and I the tree

So patience is key

And We will get our shot again

Oh baby, we're just star crossed lovers

Till Next Time,

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Amber Eyed Micah

Welcome back to “Jancie has another incredible insignificant story that she will use as a metaphor to try to understand what direction her life is going to go in” Glad you could make it. What’s up guys? How ya been? Hows your mental health, family, work/school etc.? Hope its all good in the hood. I’m back to give you some sad sad lessons I had to learn and I hope I can prevent you or at least forewarn you about the events that will occur if you so happen to be in my exact same shoes. Here it goes. 

To give you a bit of what I’ve been up to, it’s been absolutely nothing. I deleted Bumble, went to Leesburg Bike Fest of which, I didn’t have a bike to contribute to the fun. I have been hanging out with some cool cool people that... I don’t know- we just click, ya know? I still drive around at night.. and during the day listening to Oliver Tree and Gregory Alan Isakov. Lare came back from bootcamp. (Congrats Laraloo, I’m super proud of you) But she doesn’t want to see or talk to me (aka the failure) But no, I completely get it. She’s better than me. SHE made it. I have decided to take a break from boys and uh girls... for a while. Micah is back in my life and better than ever. Which brings me to announce that September 9th, after I get home from NY... I will be going to Thailand to stay for about a month with him. Now that you know some of the tea... let’s move on.

Now, I know exactly why you’re here. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. I know that you didn’t come here to check up on me. You came here to learn some shit that you don’t wanna have to admit to yourself. So what have I been struggling with lately? Well, I have been struggling to stay alive. To wake up every single day and to drink coffee, although I am so fucking tired of the taste. To wake up everyday and go to the same cafe, to smoke the same menthol cigarettes, to listen to the same music day in and day out. I have been struggling to be happy unless I’m high. I have been struggling to keep my upbeat and positive outlook on life. I have been struggling every. single. day. to. not. run. away. Because boy, is that what I wanna do. Just pack up my stuff and leave. That is what I have been struggling with lately. But I am sure that I am not the only one of us that feels that way. I bet you can all vouch for me on that one. Anyway...

I know this might create controversy in my life, and in other peoples lives but this is definitely something I want to share. As most of you that keep up with my life know, “Toil” has kinda fucked me over in the past and yet, I still continue to try to see the good in him. But... with a lot of thinking I have come to a conclusion. But for you to know why I decided what I decided- you have to know what he has done. So after he completely ghosted me and drove 2 hours away to his ex? current girlfriend?’s house, he came back and left a letter on my back porch with the crystal charm that I got him. The letter was telling me that I am a great person and that I deserved to be treated better than how he could treat me. None of which I disagree with. But then I called him and we talked things over. He apologized to me and everything was all peachy keen. Until the next day, where he disappeared AGAIN. A few weeks later, I saw him leaving bikefest. To of which I broke down and cried in front of a random friend of a friend that wanted to get to know me better. (Sorry, Cody) But I was just fine after that and 2 days later- get a text from him saying that he was in California. He sent me lots of pictures and updates to what he was doing, saw the Grand Canyon, drove super fast in the car he rented, and told me that he wanted to see me when he got home. All of which, I entertained and responded to. But he got back yesterday... the day I was supposed to see him and.. I just couldnt bring myself to condone his actions anymore. An apology only means something if the actions fit it as well. So Jay, or Jenna... If you’re reading this, his apology doesn’t mean jack bro. Because he’s not a good person. 

So when he said, “I thought you wanted to see me” I responded with “And I thought you were cool, dude. But sadly, you aren’t who you portray yourself to be. Sadly, you just wanna see me to know that you still have me to fall back on when things don’t go right in your life. Sadly, I am not someone that lets people walk all over them. And I could sit here and tell you up and down how beautiful I am. A person with unlimited changes to give others. I could stress to you my passion, desires, loyalty...worth...I COULD do all of that... but sadly, there’s no point to it. Because we all know- including you... what and who I am. And I know that anytime you see a girl on a cruiser, listen to my music, smell a menthol cigarette, or think about travel... I am always going to pop into your head. And you will remember me in such a positive way because I never wanted anything but good to come to you. I am the literal embodiment of love. And I know my worth. But YOU gave me up and fucked me over and used me for convenience. And it’s okay. I wish you luck in this big world. But nah, I don’t wanna see you. Because you made the girl, that loves everyone and believes that everyone deserves unlimited amount of chances.. give up on you. I give up on you Lloyd Tohill. Congratulations.  

To add onto that, I want you guys to know that I am a hell of a strong female and I can control what and who is in my life. I have the strength to say the things I say because I never want to be anybody less than my raw self. But...I don’t want you guys to think that I don’t care. Because the entire time I was texting him that back... I wanted to delete my paragraph and tell him to come over. I wanted nothing in this world more than to justify him and find the good that I know he has in him. I wanted to tell him to come home- home as in, back to me. And still, I want him back in my life, still, I want to spend my days and nights with him. But there is something that I live by and I wanna share with all of you. Sometimes the things you want- aren’t the things you need and sometimes the things you need- aren’t the things you want. So I pass this onto you. You gotta know your worth, or at least set a standard that you and your personal self have to live up to and never except anything lower than that. You gotta be the strong one to discipline yourself and keep ya on the right track. It’s part of being an adult. You can’t lie to the man in the mirror. So when everyone else is giving you their opinion on your life situation and giving you advice... none of it really matters because in the end, it’s you that has to pay the price. 

I apologize to anyone that was affected by this post. But I mean no harm, just honesty. And I hope the healing process is fast, you deserve the world. Love you guys and hope the best for all of you. If ya need anything- you know the drill.

Till next time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

My little Wild Flower

Hey guys, I’m back with another shitty post on my little ole tumblr. What’s up? Hope all is still goin in your lives and that you can still dream, sing, and enjoy life to the fullest. I haven’t written in while even though I have some of you that are constantly asking me to update. I can’t write unless I actually have something to talk about... A muse I guess. Which brings me to exactly what this post is about.

I have been feeling a certain... I don’t know how to explain it- but the best way I can in words would be to say that I feel like I am lacking a missing piece lately. And I think this feeling is so wild because I haven’t felt like this in a good bit. But I have noticed that I am starting to push people out of my life. I haven’t been giving people endless amounts of chances, I haven’t been attending activities with my friends when I am invited, I haven’t been wanting to spend time with my family lately... Like I am desensitizing myself of all emotional attachment.

The other night I went to Nick’s house and we hungout in the car listening to Gregory Alan Isakov like we always do. I told him about how while I do wish the best for Toil, and I am happy that he is still somewhere out there laughing and breathing, I am also super numb. From feeling. Feeling his touch on my skin and his lips on mine. I feel numb because- I can’t feel other people’s touch anymore. It feels like our atoms are vibrating to fast to feel pressure. I told him about missing Chase... and Gem. Hoping all is going good in their lives and that nothing will ever bring them down. I talked to him about disconnection from the world, my fears, my passion... and he brought something to my attention. When I tried to explain how I was feeling... And I couldn’t seem to get the words out..but that’s when he finished it for me. I am.. lonely. 

Isn’t that crazy? That I, one of the most independent people I know. A girl with so many friends and connections and passion for doing good for the world and being the free spirit that I am... am lonely. Lonely from hand holding. Lonely from kisses. Lonely from waking up in the middle of the night to wanting to feel someone else’s warmth in my bed- only to wake up to an empty spot where... my muse should be. I realized at that point that the reason I am pushing everyone away is because I can no longer keep certain people in my life because they either don’t have pure intentions, they don’t want me to continue to be who I am- but to sculpt me into what they want, or they just... aren’t my person. 

The thing about feeling this way isn’t that I am lonely and would just go for anyone that gave me attention. Or someone that did have pure intentions... But I know that there is a person out there that can match my passion. A person out there that can match the love and care that I am capable of feeling. My muse is out there somewhere, and until I find him...or her... I will continue to draw their mystery eyes. I will continue to reach over and feel an empty bed. I will continue to have this empty space in my soul. And it’s funny, because I am not even a relationship person. I am not one that is meant to have babies or have a big wedding. The world is a big place and I know that I have a long life ahead of me. Which is why I am definitely in no rush. No rush to find her, no rush to love, no rush to get married or have kids. I fully believe that the sole purpose of my existence is to travel and help everyone that I come into contact with in one way or another. So no, I am not in a rush. I am not desperate. I am not constantly looking at everyone that takes an interest in me... because when I find her... I will know it. 

I don’t know if any of you are feeling this way or if I am the only person on earth that feels this way... But I just want to remind you guys that while it hurts to not have your person, especially when it seems like everyone is happy happy posting pictures of them and their significant others on Easter with their big happy family. Your person is out there. And when you so happen to stumble upon them, they are going to make you paint colors you didn’t even know existed. And if you are going through this, and sleeping away your life so you don’t have to be awake and feel alone... I want you to know that you have to continue to put all of your effort into living life. So you have stories to tell your muse. To make them smile and laugh. And until the day comes, we are going to have that empty hole in our soul. But lets use that hole as a pipe, fill it with some good ass bud and exhale beauty. 

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

It’s just another Thang

Hello there lovely people tuning into SurvivingYellow, I hope all is well and that you’ve conquered fears, taken some risks, and have gone at least 3 days in a row without crying. I have some updates for ya. Well, I took my motorcycle endorsement class, bought a Yamaha 1100, and had some revelations as well. As some of you may know, I started to see a guy (aka Toil) and if I am going to be honest and put it all out on the line here- the truth is, is that we did not go about the beginning of our friendship the right way and we hurt some really beautiful people in the process. After spending like 2 weeks straight with each other and sleeping in the same bed every night, we got super close. I opened up to him a part of me that I guess I have been pretty much neglecting. I shared with him my intentions, my goals, my aspirations to be a better version of myself. I also gave him a whole lot of life lessons and I did everything in my power to teach him how he should be more considerate and how to love others for being themselves and not loving them because of the potential that they possess. He did leave his girlfriend in a really inconsiderate way to avoid confrontation. Which I got onto him about, because if I have learned anything from my experience with Chase Baker, it’s that- yes, you can’t blame a person for not loving you anymore and not wanting to be with them... and no, you don’t “owe” anyone an explanation. But it would be nice to forewarn a person if you aren’t happy in the situation anymore. So they don’t just think that everything is peachy keen until one day it’s just not anymore. 

Which brings me to how it ended. Everything was fine or so I thought it was. He stopped talking about her as much and started talking about what he wanted his life to be without her, as an independent person. But the more he hung out with me, the more I realized that he was turning into something he wasn’t. He is the type of person that feeds off of the people he surrounds himself with, so he lacks that sense of originality and creativity. I also do believe it is because he’s so young, that he was really just trying different things out to help him find the person he wants to grow into being. But then yesterday, I found out I was blocked on snapchat after a two hour shift and not being able to use my phone. So I called him a few times to make sure that he was okay and safe and all that jazz, only to find out that he was at her house, trying to fix things so he could get back into a relationship with her. 

If I’m gonna be real with you, man... It fucking hurt, ya know? Like, just my luck to open up to a person I thought I could depend on and then they just ghost me. Like, I didn’t deserve an explanation or a considerate heads up. A simple “hey, I think I made a mistake- and I am going to try to get back with her” would have sufficed. I would have been all for it. I would have supported him and cared for him. I would have told him to do what makes him happy, and that he deserved to be happy, even if it disappointed me. Because I do understand that everyone feels differently and I preach that sometimes you have to hurt others to make yourself more content. But he just.. left. Just like Chase did. 

At first, it hurt. Then came anger. And I drove to my friends house to talk to them about it. And I ranted about how beautiful I am, and how much of a jerk he was. I talked about how I am a force of nature, how I am the baddest bitch I know. I told them that if I wanted to, I could ruin so many things in his life. How I could hurt him and her. And how he’s got another thing coming for him, walking into MY world and trying to put ME down. And then it hit me. I spent months after Chase being angry. Wanting nothing more than for him to feel the hurt that he put me through. But... I’m not that person anymore. I don’t want people to hurt, I don’t want anyone to hurt. This isn’t me saying this because I know that karma will get him. And that eventually he will have to pay for his wrong doing’s. This is me actually hoping that he does well in life. I hope him and Jay do good together and work on their relationship so either one of them doesn’t feel like they need an escape from one another. I hope he goes into the military and and that Karma doesn’t get him. Because everyone is beautiful and deserves so many chances to become better versions of themselves- no one is gonna get it in the first few tries. I want him to live on and breathe and smile. I know that he is never going to forget me, it’d be really hard to. 

But the whole deal is this, my words run deep. As well as my passion. Nothing I say ever has an empty meaning, so if you ever meet another person like me, Toil... you should really avoid being a surface person. Because not everyone is as simple as you. Not everyone can handle the games that you play. Lucky enough for you, I am mature and understanding. Lucky for you I’m not going to beat you up or have anyone else do that. (even though, I have a lot of people that would like to) Lucky for you I am a strong willed, talented, passionate, determined, beautiful young lady that would never wish bad upon you or anyone else for that matter. But I do gotta give you one more thing... you really do have a good taste in females. Because from what I have seen, the ones you have chosen are all keepers. And being who you are right now and seeing by the way you treat people, I know that you will not end up with any of them. Because you don’t deserve the heart that they give you. 

And you never will, if you keep going where you’re going. 

Till Next Time,

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Bunk Beds

Hey guys, long time no rant. I didn’t decide to write today because I am sad or angry or any of that jazz, I actually just wanna share with you guys what I have been thinking about and what I talked to my friend Katelynn about today. She has been really down in the dumps lately about this guy and how her parents are super strict on the people she talks to. Because of that, she isn’t allowed to do anything or talk to anyone (me included) Which also means that she can’t talk to a guy she really likes. Which sucks.

Now that you know the back story you will now understand what we were talking about. We were talking about how she is really caught up on this guy, but how another person has spiked her interest and how she doesnt want to get attached to anyone else because it seems like nothing ever works out for her. But that is so crazy, man. Like, when I heard it out loud I realized just how many people feel this way. How they don’t want to get attached to people and allow themselves to fall in love and enjoy their life because they are scared of if things don’t work out. And I understand feeling that way. Because I use to feel that way. Not allowing myself to be happy because of the consequences. But you can’t hide from pain. It is gonna find you wherever you go. So, why not go out with a bang?

I think having this conversation helped her out a lot. But now, from me to you... I wanna go into more depth. YOU have to not be scared to go for things. To take risks and to fall in love, because while it hurts if there is no one to catch you... the feeling of falling is worth it. It is worth the pain, it is worth the crying. It is worth the hurt. We are all going to lose people that mean a lot to us. We are all going to have failed friendships. And that’s just because we go through so many changes and we grow so much. So its definite that we are going to have temporary people in our life. But since we all know how temporary people, moments, and love is... we have to take advantage of it and live in the moment. Enjoy those smiles, and that fall. Enjoy those nights driving around with your friends and eating cupcakes at the beach with your family. You gotta live for those moments and not be scared of what is going to happen if things don’t work out. We have to not be afraid of living.

I hope you can find it in yourself to face those fears of rejection. And that you start to see colors in a different way. Yellow, is not just yellow.

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Higher Hopes

Jancie: A One of a Kind Human Being, a fresh outlook on life, a new face,  renewed spirits. All are things that come to mind when i hear her name. Crazy how someone that entered your life so randomly can end up being one of the best parts of it. 

We met through the Marine Corps back in like November or something like that...it doesn’t matter. What matters is  what i’ve said so far and what I’m going to say. 

If you’ve kept up with her story so far you know part of her struggles and victories she’s had in her life. One of the many things I’ve learned about her so far is that no matter what happens in your life you can’t let it keep you down, you have to overcome it no matter what. She has a truly amazing story of successes. There is no such thing as failures, only lessons learned. Many people would have given up by now but she has changed her outlook on life and become a a better person because of it...a badass bitch, knowwhatimsaying?

If you ever get the chance to meet Jancie don’t pass it up. I’ve met a lot of bad motherfuckers in my short time in this world but she has definitely become my favorite in a very short time. She always high hopes but never gives a fuck. Does that make sense? My point is, no matter how hard life gets and no matter how badly you wanna quit; don’t. It’s never worth it. Always have higher hopes.

Till Next Time

- Toil

[survivingyellow]

Beating Hearts

Ya know what most beings are made of?

Most beings are made of vibrating atoms that are held together by coursing blood. With a beautiful heart, a unique soul, and strong... strong bones.

And ya wanna know what a Jancie is made of?

A Jancie is made of nicotine, caffeine, and kisses. That’s all.

Now, you might not even care. Quite frankly, why should you-out of all people give a fuck about what I consist of? Well, to give you that backstory... you should know that I found that writing in my phone’s notes from last night when I was high. 

Even being high, I still have these thoughts of me being empty. The type of empty where I am so unable to connect with others around me. Even others that I kiss, the people that like and care for me. I can’t connect or get attached to them because I don’t consist of a conscious or strings that I can attach people to. I don’t get sad or upset anymore, I never get suuuuuper happy, and it takes so much to make me mad. I don’t have these normal, natural emotions that most everyone goes through. It has all just become a consistent monotone life that I live. Where smiles are the same as tears and there is no line between friends and mortal enemies, it’s just a big blob of numb. And if you asked me a few years back, I would have begged and cried and prayed for me to be this way. So the pain would fade away, and I could- not have to pee every time I get excited. But years later, here I am. Trying with everything in me to make every little thing mean something it doesn’t because I want to feel again. Boy, I just want to fucking feel again. 

I want to be that little girl that cried over boys that made fun of her. I wanna be that angry teenager that listened to Falling in Reverse. I would kill to be that happy toddler that crawled through the fields picking strawberries with Dad. But sadly, in this universe... we can’t go back to those times. We have to live and learn and gain knowledge. Even the type of knowledge we don’t want to gain. The repeat of hurt and pain. The repeat of losing, of giving our 110% to things, and the repeat of failing. Even if we worked really really hard to achieve. While these things are sad to think about and no one wants to be exactly where we are right now... It is also super beautiful. The way we progress and change as people with age. They say the grass is greener on the other side. And I feel like, if I am constantly looking at the other side getting watered, then my grass will be neglected and suffer. 

This isn’t me hiding things in my writings of my actual meaning behind the words I write. This is a blunt and the total truth. This is me yelling at you to stop looking at your past self and your memories and wanting nothing more than to go back to them. You can’t go back. You can’t be the person you were. It is literally impossible. So we have to move on. We have to embrace your likes and loves and everything in between. Because you are made of atoms that are vibrating together, with coursing blood, a beautiful mind, a unique soul, and bones made of steel. 

I love you.

Till Next Time

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Mama’s are always right

It’s been a good 2 days since we’ve last talked. And I gotta be honest with ya, I’ve missed you guys. But these two days gave me a lot of time to think about something suuuuuper important that I wanna share with you guys. So, I do know that a lot of people know my nomadic personality and my story. But for you that don’t know it, here it is- in the quickest way I can tell it. 

At the age of 14, my parents bought a food truck of which I started to work on when I wasn’t in school. (Rep Poppy’s) I went to The Villages Charter School, had no friends, and cried everyday at lunch sitting in the hallways. At 15 (10th grade) I got kicked out of school and went to working 2 full time jobs while still trying to take online classes. At 16, I was still working full time, being friends with adults, failing all of my online classes, and I had a boyfriend that did attend high school (Westport) We stayed together for like 8 month. I think? By the end of that year, we broke up, things got really rough, and since he was the only person my age that I ever talked to... things got super lonely. I was a miserable excuse of a person, I hated everything... I fell into a really deep sense of anger and depression and ended up attempting suicide. The Day after my attempt failed, I went to a party full of people that I use to go to school with and get picked on by. And that’s when it hit me, that I was the one that was getting in the way of me making friends. So I started to face my fears. I made yellow my favorite color, started to be my outgoing self, not care what others thought about me, and began to make myself happy by allowing myself to be the person I knew I was. (aka, I survived Yellow) That summer, I started to hangout with Cary (you guys don’t know about Cary, but boy... you’d be lucky to) And I gained some really cool friendships. One with a boy that didn’t wear shoes anywhere he went, one with a boy that owned a yellow truck, one of them lost his virginity to me, one of them partied like no other, and one of them ended up getting me to go back to school to graduate. (Thank you, Trey.) When I got back from NY that Summer, I was 17, and went back to school. (Lake Weir High) I had to take 10 Core Classes, go to school early and stay late, while maintaining a boyfriend, 2 full time and another part time job. I started my school year off with a 1.97 gpa and ended up graduating with a 4.2, I think it was? The middle of the school year is when Trey broke up with me and a few months later is when I met Chase. At the age of 18- I got my first tattoo, got kicked out of the house and moved in with Chase’s Dad. (aka Padge) We later got a place of our own. And you know the story from there. 

The whole reason for giving you my entire life story is that the entire time I was living in those moments, there was a steady feeling of wanting to be older than I actually was. I dropped out of school, Why? Because I felt like I was too mature, I was too good. I started working on the food truck at 14, why? Because I wanted to save up to be an adult. I dont know man, I just think it’s so crazy to try to grow up so fast. And I see it so often now that I am a little older. No one likes to do fun things because they are too concerned about how young others will percieve them. And what the fuck on earth is wrong with embracing our youth? I don’t want to age, I mean... not anytime soon. But I wanted to kind of give you the back story of it all because I am not coming from somewhere where, I have never been an adult before, because I have. I had a fiance, I have insurance, bills, rent, joint bank accounts, all that jazz. I had it, and it was A LOT of responsibility. And we all try so hard to be the exception to the fact that, we are all so young... and we will make mistakes. We are going to go through some challenging times. Yet, we all still stress over the little things, like finding love, and not having time to go out and have fun because we have to work. 

So what I have to say to that, is that I am telling you from experience. That things are gonna get rough, man. But you can’t take it all too seriously. The stress and hurt is gonna pass, and you will be able to laugh at it someday. My mama always told me “You’re gonna be an adult a lot longer than you are a kid” And I didn’t really get that until now. This is our years when it’s okay to make the mistakes and to not be fine. These are our years to celebrate our youth and try new things and screw up and hangout with cool people. So we gotta enjoy every minute of it while we can, because I’m sure at least one of us isn’t gonna be lucky enough to make it past our 20′s. Live in the moment, take risks, love, celebrate, and grow.

Till Next Time,

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Pimping Hoes and Drugs

To start this thing off, I just wanna say... have you guys checked out the moon recently? Stunning. Absolutely stunning. Also, I wanna tell you guys a little story (and of course I can’t use names or anything like that because I actually respect people) But I wanna tell you guys about how my night unraveled a few days back. 

Alright, so I use to have a best friend. And he meant the world to me. We fought and cried and kissed and everything under the sun. He was probably the only person in the world to be able to match the same type of flame I burn. Which is why our friendship didn’t work out. Because of having too much in common, but anyway... We got into a fight (like we always did) and a week went by of us not talking (which is completely normal) and in that week, he started dating a beautiful girl. Like, guys- she’s everything a guy needs in his life, perfect. So when I finally decided to suck it up and apologize, she wasn’t comfortable with us being friends anymore. And I totally get that. But I got HELLA close to his family. And I didn’t plan on changing that. Anyway... I tried to make mends with his girlfriend even if he didn’t wanna be my friend anymore- I still wanted her to be okay with me being around his family and what not. So we hung out and I thought we were on the same page. I felt like we were cool again and that I was going to make a new friend out of the situation, but I guess I spoke out of turn and told her things she was unaware of and made her uncomfortable. Which she later confided in him about. And then I went to his parents house to see his mom, and he FREAKED out on me. And the entire night blew out of proportion. Next thing I know, she’s crying, his mom is livid, and the cops are being called. 

I sat her down to talk to her and apologize for supposedly creating this big issue that was taking place. But I told her something that I want to share with all of you.. I might be crazy for thinking this way... But if she would have just confronted me telling me to stop talking about what we were talking about or that I was making her upset, nobody would have been in that situation at all. And it’s true, man. Now, she is a very reserved person that really doesn’t like confrontation all that much... and that is an A-OK way to be. I get it, not everyone is so outgoing. 

So I told her that she really has to start sticking up for herself, just like all of you need to do. If you’re upset or angry or uncomfortable in a situation, I want you to all know that you have the power to stop whatever is happening around you by just speaking up. Being able to express your state of mind, and feelings is probably one of the hardest things to do, but I think we all have to work on it. The world would be such a better place if we could just get enough courage to speak our minds in a polite way. To not be scared of the consequences and to love ourselves enough to show the world who we are. 

Which brings me to this... You can’t be scared dude. You can’t be scared to take those risks, to make those changes in your life. I know that I get scared. Actually no, terrified. I get so scared when it comes to change, but recently I had a really great thought. If you have certain feelings and feel like you are stuck in a situation whether it be, a really long relationship that you no longer want to be in, or a job that you no longer like, or any situation where there is a risk that needs to be taken and is it worth it or not... I want you to know that it is worth it. Because “god” or the stars or whatever you believe in, put that thought and those feelings into you for a reason. They want you to act on it, and no one in this entire world should have to live in oppression, especially when there is so many opportunities and so many ways your life can change and just how little time we have to live it? Nah man, you gotta act on it. You gotta go big or go home. 

And while you may be afraid of hurting others in the process, you have to understand that living a life by protecting others’ feelings and disregarding your own isn’t going to get you to where you are meant to be. And then one day youre going to just wake up and decide you're not going to come home from work to your significant other and then they are going to end up going fucking crazy and giving rides to hitchhikers and developing eating disorders and becoming me. They will become me, and I just feel like, if we work on communication more and we thoroughly express what is going on in our minds, it would benefit our shitty lives, ya know?

I’m gonna leave you at this. We are in charge of where we go in this world and how much we are capable of. So be strong, and beautiful, and kind, and blunt. And show everyone there is what your intentions are and that you mean what you say and say what you mean. It takes a really strong person to do this, but I have so much faith in you guys, and I know you have what it takes. 

Till Next Time, 

-Jance

[survivingyellow]

Raw Love

Hey Fools, I hope everything is just swell out in your world’s today and every other day. I have some big news. I am going to be going to New York in May with my family again. But this year I’m staying up there for 4 months, helping my parents out on the food truck, hopefully working another job, and saving up while still trying to figure out what I wanna do with my life. And it’s gonna be a nice change, even though I’m gonna miss all the new friends I’ve made recently and little old Lady Lake. But don’t fret, I’ll be home soon enough. 

Now that I got that news out of the way I can talk to you guys about the thing I have wanted to talk to you guys about. Recently, I have really connected to a person and something about them just makes my soul... thrive. Now, I am NEVER again going to become as dependent as I was to my ex, but adding this person to my life, I don’t know... it just makes me happy. It’s not the type of “forever love” or anything like that... at all. I just really enjoy having this person around. Which is refreshing, because they don’t expect anything from me. And I just want to tell you guys that, this person is the type of people you need in your life. The type of people that don’t want to constantly change anything about you, or make you sad, or get in between friendships or limit you from trying new things... the type of people that just compliment your personality well. That’s what you need. 

And don’t get me wrong... it is so hard to find people like that. But from what I see around me and what my friends are going through is that we, as people try so hard to force ourselves to connect with people. So much so that we overlook things that we disagree with, or we try to claim them as ours and then we start to feel the need to believe that we should have a opinion in their lives. But really, who are we to intentionally influence another persons life to benefit ours? That’s not how relationships should be built. You should love and except the person as they are and grow off of that, not everyone is a empty canvas needed to be painted on by you. And I think we all have that issue. Where we need to constantly find people with potential, and we believe that we are supposed to sculpt them into being “the one” for us. Instead of traveling the world, living, and just letting the stars work their magic. 

I am slowly learning to step back when I connect with people and looking at it from this perspective. Asking myself, “do I like the person, or do I like what this person could be.” And I feel like it has not only made me think about just how much I accept everyone for who they are, but I feel like it has also prevented me from hurting people by trying to change who they are, and wasting their time. 

I don’t know, it’s just something to think about. Raw Love is a universal thing, I just feel like we’ve all got a little distracted from loving for the right reasons, and loving out of loneliness. 

Thanks for tuning in, guys. Hope this talk did somethin’ for you. 

Till Next Time,

-Jance