survivingtodayssunset

[survivingtodayssunset]

Just thoughts written out.

30 & still hurting.

“Unwanted”

The pain I feel is debilitating

The anxiety wreaking havoc on my mind

Has me isolated and blind

To truth of my existence

what I needed was unimportant

Lonely, toxic childhood

Trauma is the name of the game

I can’t seem to overcome.

I’m supposed to be a mother

Teaching my child of a life

That I’ve never understood

Always been a burden, unloved and unheard

I’ve dreamt of what it’d be like to have my mother’s love

And fight like hell to provide that to my son

In order to do that I must be done

With your triggers, distance and projection

Nothing was ever about me, I was just in your way

Your discipline, your blame, everything

Was just about your game

Of self preservation

Regretting me; regretting not having that abortion

I finally refused to be your scapegoat

No matter how many messengers you send

To beg for me back

You’d go months without speaking to me

Which was okay because they were your terms

Now the tables have turned and you beg, cry and plead

For me to hand you back the power.

I refuse to do that this time because this isn’t really about me.

It’s about being healthy to be the best mom I can be.

See this is how you and I are different

Self awareness, selflessness and unconditional love is what being a mother is really about.

He is my priority and I’m sorry if it hurts

My son will never know the pain of being a child

Unwanted.

[survivingtodayssunset]

How I crave passion

“Never choose someone who doesn’t meet the communication that you deserve. Connection is passion.”

— juansen dizon

[survivingtodayssunset]

Samesies

“I’m always stuck between wanting to improve myself and wanting to destroy myself.”

—

[survivingtodayssunset]

Wow this speaks to me immensely right now

That's the thing about people we love, we reflect the way they are feeling, just like the sea relfects the sky. If the sky is bright so is the sea, but if the sky goes through a storm then it's the sea that becomes unsteady.

-themindscalligraphy

[survivingtodayssunset]

Daily Affirmations

Inhale confidence, exhale self-doubt

I am worthy

I am learning to love myself; I love myself

I am unique and that’s a good thing

I can do what it takes to heal; and I will do what it takes

I am capable of living a healthy life

I am growing and learning everyday

I can keep going; I will keep going

I am beautiful; inside and out

Every problem has a solution and I will work out a plan

I deserve to be loved

I deserve to be respected

I can cope through my emotions

I am intelligent 

I can find peace and healing through meditation

I can be the change I want to see in the world

I am strong and independent

I am perfectly imperfect me

I can motivate myself and what others think/say is irrelevant

My smile makes others feel better

I accept the things I cannot change 

I have the courage to change the things that I can change

Everything will work out in the end; I can ride this wave

I am happy with who I am today

Everyday I grow and change for the better

I am a good and compassionate person who's motivated by helping others

I keep going because I believe in myself and my abilities

I choose to see the good in the people I interact with today

I am special and unique; I will not change myself for anyone

I am thankful for: my Son. My husband. My Dad, Jen and siblings. Riley. My sobriety. My health. My home. My beauty. My strength to keep going. My life. Lilly (my cat.)

I choose to take good care of myself because I know I deserve it

I WANT to practice meditation and yoga and I CAN commit to it

I accept myself

I can make a difference

My past does not define my future

I can forgive those who’ve hurt me (and practice forgiving everyday)

I allow myself to forgive; it will allow me to move beyond the pain, to a place of peace

My life is filled with so many possibilities 

I will focus on my talents; I have things to share with the world

The world is better off with me in it

I am loved by many

I release myself from anger

I release myself from jealousy 

I allow peace to fill my soul

I choose to be proud of myself

I will do my absolute best in all things

I choose to be proud of myself

I will speak kindly to others and to myself

I have the power to control my reactions to the challenges I face

I choose to see each obstacle as an opportunity to grow

I will step out of my comfort zone and try something new today

I am a success; I can make this day great

My son needs me; I am a good mom

I can control my breathing

I will stay calm, this will get better

I choose to let the past go and move on to my future

Today, I will be courageous 

I release all fears and anxieties from my mind

I can reach my goals; I am unstoppable 

I am ready to write a new chapter for my life

I will take time to notice and be thankful for the little things

I can write down my thoughts and take control of my emotions

My hard work is already paying off

I am thankful for life

I choose to be happy

I accept and notice the good that is flowing into my life

I will not allow anxious thoughts to steal my joy

Today, I forgive myself

I am stronger than my worries

I am not the only one that struggles; I choose to be kind to everyone I meet

I am braver than I feel

While I wait for the storm to pass, I will choose to dance in the rain

I’ll always remember; often difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations

I choose to keep moving forward

I am capable of bringing my dreams to life

I am capable of achieving great things

My spirit is beautiful 

I am spiritual; I am connected with the universe for my bones are built of stardust

I light the world with my smile

I can show kindness to others; even people I dislike

I will take care of myself today so that I’m strong enough to face any hardships tomorrow

I choose to approach my problems with a calm heart and mind

I trust in myself

I have a purpose that I am fulfilling

I can change my life

I am changing my life

I will learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow 

[survivingtodayssunset]

Anxiously Waiting

I really hope a get a phone call today, I had an opportunity to apply to my (uneducated) dream job last week. My friend started working there and I messaged her to ask if I could volunteer for the cause. If I get a call I will be a Harm Reduction Worker for our community, get to go around and talk with/help the homeless and pick up drug paraphernalia that we find. As a recovered/ing addict myself I would get a lot of personal satisfaction out of being able to give back to the very community I used to abuse and take from. I’m ashamed to admit that when I was using, there were times I threw used needles and other paraphernalia on the ground. As a mother now I feel so awful admitting that, but it’s the truth and I must be honest with myself. I have this deep gut feeling that I didn’t get the job because I screwed up on the resume and cover letter. I should have taken my time and made it perfect and mistake-free. I will be really bummed if I don’t get a call back but I refuse to let it defeat me. A lot of positives came from just having this opportunity presented to me, I’ve created an updated resume and cover letter, I’ve learned that there is actually quite a bit of rehabs and outreach positions that I qualify for despite not having a college education. I know I need to start working again, even if I fail at first and lose a job due to my mental health I will come through that stronger and learn from it to see what I can do better. 

If I do get a call I need to think about who I want them to see when they work with me, how much do I want to say about my past? Not a lot because that’s not who I am anymore. As much as my addiction is a major part of me, it’s made me who I am today; I need to start letting go of my attachment to that “identity.” I also need to remember that other people don’t have the same outlook on addiction and the things I say can heavily influence how people perceive me, in the workplace I want to keep it professional and even when discussing my history with the homeless, it needs to be about them and HELPING them; not about me and everything I’ve done to get better. Not everyones story/path is the same and I need to be sure I acknowledge that daily if I'm fortunate enough to be picked for this position. 

Who Am I? What Do I want them to see?

1. First and foremost I am a loving caring MOTHER.

2. Responsible, extremely empathetic toward the homeless and addiction communities. I want to be seen as being there to help them and not for my own ego. 

3. A good listener as well as quick and eager to learn what I can do to help.

Things They Don’t Need To Know

1. The extent of my addiction; How I administered my drugs, how I supported my habit.

2. They don’t need to know about my mental health. 

3. They don’t need to know that I’m still on Suboxone 

4. No chronic complaining about the heat/cold. The homeless are out there living this everyday and I don't need to be there complaining about going out to help them.

Just the beginning of some thoughts about this job. Kind of all over the place but that's just where I’m at with this as I’m not sure I’ve even been hired yet.

[survivingtodayssunset]

The Thomas Recipe For Suboxone Withdrawal and Detox

If you can’t take time off of work to detox off Suboxone then I recommend you follow a taper regimen usinf suboxone or an alternative.  I have found that tramadol works great in controlling Suboxone withdrawal symptoms– the slower the taper, the better.  If you cannot taper or don’t have access to tramadol to taper then this recipe will help alleviate many of suboxone withdrawal symptoms. You will need: 1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can’t get one of the others. 2. Imodium (over the counter, any drug or grocery store). 3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store. 4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper, Magnesium and Potassium (you may not find the potassium in the same supplement). 5. Vitamin B6 caps. 6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that’s all that’s available). How to use the recipe: Start the vitamin/mineral supplement right away (or the first day you can keep it down), preferably with food. Potassium early in the detox is important to help relieve RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). Bananas are a good source of potassium if you can’t find a supplement for it. Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you’re aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn’t need the Valium after day 4 or 5. During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don’t underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom. Use the Imodium aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don’t take it, however, if you don’t need it. At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the “coffee jitters,” consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help. Continue to take the vitamin/mineral supplement with breakfast. As soon as you can, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. and force yourself to eat.  It will be hard at first but food will give you energy.