surreptitiousxsolivagant-blog

[surreptitiousxsolivagant-blog]

“Not good at writing, sorry love”

I found the letters you wrote me tonight while I was cleaning. I had to take a moment to sit and read them, I always hope that one day I’m not going to cry. That one day I’ll be healed up from reading them so often. Though, it seems I’m just giving myself false hope, it’s only getting harder. As I read them I smiled, I even gave a small laugh at the things you said. One that stuck out the most was when you told me you weren’t good at writing.  I’m guessing you tried to compare your letter to mine. Oh, my love, what you never knew was that no matter how much you wrote, or how eloquent it was, I enjoyed reading every word. To most it’s just a love letter, to me it is a piece of art. It is a reminder of the nights we’d give each other our letter, we’d read them silently, both of us taking glances at each other through smiles and tear filled eyes. There was nothing better than those moments of true confession through paper and pen.

You didn’t have to have the words of Fitzgerald, I loved the way you’d word things in your own little way. That’s what made these letters so unique, so beautiful. So hard to let go of.

“You’re my life and always will be, forever.”

It’s at this moment I couldn’t possibly hold back the tears, who possibly could with every memory of someone they love flooding their mind. Those words hit harder than anything I’ve ever dealt with. I’m sure eventually these words won’t sting so much and I hopefully await that day. The day when the memories of us will be black and white, worn out from being played over and over in my mind. The nights we laughed so hard we could barely breathe, the nights we sat together singing at the tops of our lungs not caring how good we sounded because honestly all we wanted to hear was the sound of each others voices. The nights you held me so close in attempt to help me pull myself together when I had broke again. Especially the day we met and how you attempted to teach me to dance although, I still continued to step on your feet.

I’m sure by now everything about us is long gone from your mind, removed in order to make room for someone new. This quote will only live on in my heart, the piece that will always belong to you.

“I want to have you for the rest of my life.”

Oh, how I wished this was still how you felt, my love. Reading this made me remember everything we promised we’d do together. We began creating a future together, a future that wasn’t set in stone, but yet, I had made the stupid choice to let it settle in my heart that it would be us against the world for the rest of our lives. I had memorized so much because I had planned to spend the rest of my life with you. How you didn’t like mint and chocolate together, it was seriously an abomination to you. How you enjoyed the exact same color blue I liked. How much you loved your sport, I will never forget how happy you looked when playing. It was those times I realized I would always be second to your love but that was okay, because seeing you light up and enjoy yourself made me so damn happy. I remember so much about you, how am I suppose to forget everything?

I will never forget the night we had been texting and I told you that you were my soulmate. Of course, at the time, you agreed. I’m sure by now that idea had long left your mind after experiencing my destructive prowess. But let me tell you, I fully believed it and still do. I think I always will which is what makes it harder to let go. You were my source of happiness. All the psychiatrists I ever had told me not to attach my happiness to someone, but I couldn’t help it, love. You were so optimistic and so strong, everything I ever wanted to become. I figured if I did I’d become more like you and in the process I’d be healed. Then, just as I was getting better, you detached the strings from your mind leaving me to wilt, you were my life support.

“I love you.”

Every day I wish I could go back, I wouldn’t take back what I said because it’s true. If I had been braver in high school who knows where I would have been. It’s something everyone thinks about at some point in their lives, whether they relate it back to high school, college, their childhood, etc. You’ll always wonder what could have been. But no, I’d stop myself from asking you for help because that’s what ended our relationship. My trust in you ended my own happiness. Just as I was learning to trust more than ever before I was smacked in the face with the fact you shouldn’t ever trust someone so much. Love is a dangerous disadvantage, you simply proved that theory. But after seven months apart, I still talk about you like you put the stars in the sky. Everyone knows that I’ll never truly leave you, everyone knows how much I love you. I’d say loved, but the feeling is still present.

“I hope you do everything you ever wanted to do.”

The above quote isn’t from a letter, its something you said after six months apart, something that inspired me to push myself further and do exactly that. You will never know how much I want to thank you for accepting my apology because if I were you I’d never of accepted it. You will never know how much I want you to know that I’m still here for you no matter what, I promised forever and I meant that.

If I did do everything I ever wanted to do, I’d of told you this. But instead I’m venting my feelings publicly because when you’re able to bare your emotions to a crowd things seem easier. If you ever read this, I’m sure it’ll make you feel awkward, I’ve accepted this. But I will always be here for you, dear. In the process of dating you, not only did you become someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, you became my best friend and I don’t leave my friends behind no matter how much history there is between us. And, Dearest, I will always love you. To the moon and back.

Thank you for teaching me to learn to fend for myself.

Thank you for accepting my apology.

Thank you for e v e r y t h i n g.