supzee

[supzee]

To The Sea

There is a select few songs that make me a writer. The Honeydrippers’ Sea of Love is one of them. I had just put on a new body lotion this afternoon, it smelled of luxury wrapped in a sweet and warm aroma. And with Robert Plant’s voice, I am once more, embraced with a long-lost love. On October 19th, my father was diagnosed with stroke. It happened in the break of dawn. I rushed home the moment…

[supzee]

Utang

At age 21, I can’t imagine how different my life would be in a year. Where will I be? Who will I become? And who will be with me?

These are questions my future self is indebted to my present self. Though I have faith in the future, I wonder,

will one year be enough to answer them?

Sendiri – Chrisye

[supzee]

Bibit

Halo,

Apa kabar pagi ini? Sudah bangun kah? Aku ingin membaca tulisan suaramu yang baru saja terlahap tidur—menyapaku dengan sekecup kehangatan yang kan kusimpan sepanjang hari. Jadikan aku orang pertama, jika bukan satu-satunya, yang dapat membayangkanmu melepas selimut dari tubuhmu. Pukul 8 pagi, kamu hendak berdiri namun mimpi dan bantal guling menarik nyawamu kembali.

Agendamu hari ini, kamu…

[supzee]

(No Subject)

“

Zee,

Bagaimana cinta bisa datang secara tiba-tiba?

Kukatakan

Aku senang

dan

yakin. 

“

02/09/2019

[supzee]

Carry Me Home

Dear mum & dad, allow me to live my life.

I know you’ve given me so much and that you’ve bear the burden of raising me for so long. I love you, you are the most important people in my life, but I need my freedom. I don’t want to be in guilt from hiding out of fear that you will hurt me because I hurt you.

Your happiness & wellbeing in both lives matter to me. But so does mine. And I would like…

[supzee]

Berhenti

Mengenai rindu: untuk Bandung dan Jakarta dan beberapa orang didalamnya.   15 Oktober 2019  Aku rindu. Tariklah aku kembali. Berikan aku masa perkenalan itu. Agar aku bisa kembali bodoh, kembali belajar hal baru.   Kembali mengenalmu, kembali merasakanmu sebagai seorang yang penuh rasa ingin tahu. Tidak untuk mengganti, hanya untuk mengulangi sekali lagi.   Hidup di negara…

[supzee]

Sebelum Pergi

Waktunya tahun baru, sesaat lagi. Akhirnya akan ada tahun dimana aku jauh darimu. Sebuah alasan untuk tidak menyakitimu lagi. Dan semoga alasan yang sama untuk tidak menyakiti diriku sendiri.

Dari kecil, mamah selalu mengajarkanku tentang Tuhan: menanam kepercayaan atas keberadaanNya, mengenalkanku dengan Maha KuasaNya. Mamah bilang, hanya kepadaNya kita bisa mengeluh — bercerita tanpa merasa…

[supzee]

In My Room

‪A month before you grow older‬ December, 2019‬  ‪Whatever I do, whatever I say, whatever I feel,‬ won’t matter anymore. So why do I bother‬ anything at all?‬   ‪As much as I wish things didn’t happen,‬ they have. This is what has been written‬ and I am utterly incapable of changing them.‬   ‪Now there is no place for me to run‬ but You. I can only pray that You will‬ ‪stop taking people away…

[supzee]

Hanya

Mencintaimu (atau menginginkanmu –whichever is more bearable for you) ialah mencoba untuk mengerti dan memberi. Dan untuk apa jika bukan untuk melihatmu berkembang?

Aku semata hanya ingin bisa bersamamu ketika waktu membolehkannya,

dan jika semesta mengizinkan kerakusanku,

untuk memilikimu sebagai pencinta.

Sayang,

aku penakut terhadap orang yang kudambakan.

Sekejap lupa cara menulan ludah ketika…

[supzee]

Debu

Hampa

aku dalam kehilanganmu.

  Walau ini yang aku minta. Walau sudah lama persiapan dalam menghadapnya. Walau aku sudah teman lama dengannya (bukan kamu).

Hilangnya seseorang dari hidup selalu berhasil membuatku merasa kecil. Entah mau dibagaimanakan lagi, memang aku tidak bisa terbiasa dengannya. Semua orang terlalu berarti bagiku (walau mungkin mereka tidak berat dalam hatiku).

Aku

selalu…

[supzee]

"Pretty" They Said

“Pretty” They Said

“Kenapa?”

“Karena Zee cantik.”

Pretty. A funny word to describe me. Long dark hair, light-brown skin; doe eyes, pouty lips and a slightly turned-up nose in an oval face; short but sensuous. Pretty.

But I never received “pretty” back in primary and secondary school. I often, instead, received “the pretty girls’ friend”. In a family that seldom recognises and appraises one another’s quality, I…

[supzee]

Pindah dari Bandung

It’s the start of a new semester for ITB (and a deadline for two articles I have to write for Luminaire) in three days – the first semester that I will not be joining. The idea sits uncomfortably in my heart: the fact that I’m not part of it anymore. But alas, two years have passed. That is as much as I can get.

Meanwhile, my new semester in Groningen will begin on the first Monday of September.…

[supzee]

Number 2

Surat kedua.

A year ago now, since you came to me in August to ask about film cameras. For the most part, you “succeeded” in making me “yours”. My mind travels to the thought of being with you and no one else. My fingers quiver at the remembrance of brushing against your skin and no one else’s. Your love (or desire? Whichever is more bearable for you) was pure in the most devastating way: weak and unwilling.…

[supzee]

Ketidakadaannya Namamu

Hi,

I’ll try to make this short so that it’s bearable for you to read.

I still want you. I try not to, but I still do. I find it annoying that this is true – considering how unmoving you are towards me after everything that I have done. Yet, as much as I wish you’d slowly disappear, you are still here. Safely tucked within my heart. Unmoving too. So when I heard that you never wanted to have…

[supzee]

Becoming Human

This post is an answer dedicated to my Psychology and Organisational Behaviour final exam question, which asked me to evaluate myself following a behavioural assessment test. Yes, it is different from all the poetic and personal writings that I’ve had so far, but I believe posting something like this once in awhile will be useful.

In this essay, I would like to evaluate and analyse the results…

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Langit yang Diam

4 bulan. Aku memiliki 4 bulan saja sebelum aku harus berangkat dan tinggal di negara asing. 4 bulan sampai semua rutinitas, tempat-tempat yang aku sering kunjungi, dan orang-orang yang aku suka temui, tidak bisa kusentuh untuk satu setengah tahun —atau lebih? Aku belum tahu. Hal-hal yang telah kususun untuk hampir 2 tahun di kota Bandung ini akan segera menghilang. Dan aku tidak bisa…

[supzee]

Honey

Keywords: post-midterms, clumsy, morning coffee, returning to film, honey, birthdays, drowsy —rest, baby.

https://soundcloud.com/zee-t-19/sets/honey

  Within numbered days, I will soon turn 20. But I’ve never liked the number 20. I’ve always instead, since the day I fell in love with a boy in 6th grade whose birthday I thought was on the 19th of August, liked the number 19. As evident from my…