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[supersequin]

Just a sound

“I’m Wynn.”

A day after announcing to my friends that I would be using a new name, I introduced myself to someone. The stranger sitting next to me at the theatre had no inkling of how momentous voicing this single syllable was.

As soon as the word left my lips, my mind was instantly racing. This is real. I’m really changing my name. I’m taking control of my own life, my identity. Now people need to relate to me on my terms, not theirs. This is so exciting! I’m finally being assertive.

And then, almost immediately, I came back to Earth with a bump.

I knew both the lead and producer of the piece and had put my hand up to ask a question in the post-show Q&A session. Instantly I regretted it. I hadn’t told the producer about the change of name. A surge of anxiety rushed over me as I worried that I would be outed as a fake, a sham and a liar to my neighbour. ‘Yes…a question from…’

Don’t say it. Don’t use yesterday’s name.

’…that gentleman’.

Eurghh. 'Gentleman’. Well meant and polite, but strongly gendered and a message from the universe to me. You may have changed your name, but you haven’t changed how people are going to perceive you.

So, why all the fuss about a name? After all, names to me are just sounds used to identify ourselves and for others to gain our attention or refer to us. However, society has an additional use for these titles.

Names are also a shortcut to place us in a box, make assumptions about us and to form opinions before we have even said anything. Gender, nationality and religious belief are all transmitted by our names. In my case, my strongly gendered first name had had me thinking for some time.

I changed my title over a decade ago (to the gender-neutral Mx), so what was holding me back with my name? The looming spectre of disapproval from distant parents? Fear of rejection? Subconscious worries about another identity growing within me like a curse that at once bestows me with beauty and strength but also shame and embarrassment? Probably all of these. Most of all though, this feels transgressive, something society doesn’t want me to do. Something that could see me cast out.

Changing name is partly a political act for me. Whilst I sometimes enjoyed the gender clash that arose from the apparent disconnect between my name and gender presentation / identity, at other times it felt as though it was reinforcing negative stereotypes.

Too much transphobic banter and harassment follows the tired old narrative of someone having a different name at the weekend. The image of a strongly masculine individual donning a wig, mini skirt and heels and calling themselves 'Barbara’ in their gravelly voice is pervasive and enduring.

As much as anything I want to reinforce that whilst my gender presentation may change, internally there is one version of me. Being trans for me is not an opportunity to live out an alternate persona, it IS my persona.

Over the last week I’ve been reflecting on the name change and the reception of others. What are my friends thinking about this move? Do they see this as inevitable, a move toward full on gender reassignment? For me, absolutely not - I’ve never related to the wrong body narrative. But, all the same, I wonder how many of them are now waiting for the 'inevitable’ news of more significant and visible change to my body, my mannerisms, the person they know.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, changing for little letters has made it a little nerve-wracking meeting and talking with friends, wondering what they’re going to say, how they will react.

The initial reaction was overwhelmingly positive. From those who chose to respond. A number didn’t, and I don’t think it was just because they hadn’t seen my social media post. One had been very hesitant and seemed a little concerned when I first broached the subject a few months ago. Another ignored my request and has kept using my old name - somewhat ironic for a person who had just seen their first book on gender identity published this week!

I noticed that I became hyper alert to the way people were referring to me. If they hadn’t used my name, was it because they never had done, or because they felt awkward and embarrassed?

I’m not immune to this uncertainty either. I noticed that I’d sent some emails without signing them off. I accidentally signed a birthday card with my old name. I still have to consciously think what my name is.

What is clear is that this is going to take some time to become the new normal and for my new name to stick in everyone’s consciousness. But, I have time on my side. There is no rush. Provided no-one is being deliberately hurtful I will be patient.

One day I’m sure that hearing my old name will seem just as new.

[supersequin]

No-one ever asks...

After building up the confidence to come out as non-binary (enby) and explaining that my gender identity is not exclusively man or woman and how my gender presentation will vary from societal norms, I'm often met with a confused stare and a bewildered 'ok'.

Sensing the confusion, I carefully explain what being non-binary means to me, using my now well rehearsed description, and offer to answer any questions the other person may have. And then...nothing, not a single question. Not then. Not later. The whole thing mysteriously swept under the carpet and filed under 'things we shall never speak of again.'

And it's not just me who isn't being asked any questions, every trans person I know complains of the same thing. Somehow everyone is already an expert.

Whilst trans issues are (finally) starting to be addressed in the mainstream media, the coverage of non-binary people is still scant and often hostile. Daytime TV presenters like Piers Morgan seemingly delight in enby denial and a Google search beginning 'I identify as' will throw up multiple attack helicopter memes, referring to a transphobic spam message that later went viral. It seems that the non-binary community is simultaneously non-existent and one of greatest threats to civilisation.

So, what if no-one is an expert at all? What if they're just reverting to stereotypes, relying on titillating tabloid headlines for their information?

Perhaps people are too embarrassed to ask, fearing an unwanted and inappropriate discussion about individual sexual pecadilloes. Others, and perhaps the majority, don't want to pry, don't want to intrude on someone's private life, don't want to be seen as nosy.

Recognising this gap between perception and (at least my) reality, this blog is being created to share my experiences of living as enby in the UK in 2018.

I will use this space to post about my experiences, my feelings and concerns and also as a place to record my thoughts on events elsewhere.

To me, true inclusion comes from a place of understanding and is not something that can be imposed on people. I hope that in their own small way, my words will help to dissolve barriers and will also be a source of inspiration to others in the trans community to share their stories.

Wynn