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I am happy to say I am back with renewed vigour and life.

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Relapse Is Not My Option

Relapse Is Not My Option

I often ask myself what I do differently than those who keep relapsing. I know that I am always one step either way from either the relapse or one step closer to keeping my recovery safe. I almost want to tread lightly through the broken glass that surrounds me as I once again watch someone I care very deeply about fall back into another relapse. And I know the whys and hows and all the excuses…

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Where Oh Where Has MY Timing Gone

Where Oh Where Has MY Timing Gone

And I am feeling a bit saggy, like a wet diaper this week. It is like I cannot get ahead of the game. As I continue to struggle with time constraints, poor time management skills, and the ever-present not enough hours in my day/week/month/life; well you can see how much of a roller coaster ride my emotions and frustration get to be. This is where you will find me this week. Smack dab in the…

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The Voice I Never Was But I Am Today

The Voice I Never Was But I Am Today

Oh, my word. This week I truly must go to a place of pain way down inside my being to a soul full of misguided feelings and raw emotions. For a moment it was twisting and turning inside my body and wreaking havoc. I have spent the last thirty-six hours truly wanting to crawl out of my skin. I awaken today with the belief that I will pick up my weary soul and heart and let them have their…

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And they Said Trust Me

And they Said Trust Me

Topics are running at me trying to fight their way to be the next first and this is giving me a whopping headache. Sometimes the topics can be really aggressive and giving them a time out does not work. I understand how this must look as you read with the one-eyed look at the crazy in my story, but trust me that there is pattern and story as to where this is going. Trust me, famous last words and…

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The Pictures In My Head

The Pictures In My Head

The pictures in my head are so much better and more elegant than what actually comes out when I attempt something from that picture. And, I am now going back to the root of this and beginning of this story.

A short time ago; I was at work one day and had the urge for an omelet. It was to be a Spanish omelet with the peppers and onions and cheese and salsa. I crave these every blue moon or so.…

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Can You Hear What I Hear

So, life has been very real and sad and busy and crazy and full of all sorts of twists and turns. It has run the gamut of my emotions and left me feeling very vulnerable and raw. I am not going to talk about that this week; maybe next week, but not this week.

First of all, I want to apologize for being lax of late. There have been a couple of events that have taken all of my time and energy and heart for a bit.

This week we are going to go to one of my most favorite places, which is obviously SARCASM and hilarity. I am getting excited just thinking about it. I hope I don’t pee a little. Oh, you are already smiling and getting excited, too. Well, let’s not keep any of us waiting any longer.

I woke up today and walked into the bathroom to pee. I happened by chance, to look into the bathroom mirror. My hair stood out like a sore thumb at a finger convention. Yesterday, I had re-colored it to the rich and bright red I love so much, but I saw in the mirror was alfalfa gone mad. I looked like a mad scientist on crack, a witch on acid, and I am not even kidding. The hair is short and sleeping in a dead sleep all night left it standing up straight at attention to the sky. What comes to mind in similarity is the man with his morning hard on trying to coax it down to pee in the toilet. Oh my God, I looked like a troll doll. And, a part of me wants to leave it that way and go out into public; just as I am. Oh, world, I wonder if you are ready to see this; me being me in my entirety; first thing in the morning.

On to other news on the home front; there is a shortage of workers in this house which is really getting on my last nerve. The house, in every room, has dust bunnies riding on imaginary horses or something because they are moving every time I walk into a room like they are floating on air. I say creepy like ghosts, but we all know ghosts are afraid of me. Something to do with their contract and me being pushy and loud when they are supposed to be the pushy and loud, and blah, blah, blah. And my bathrooms are looking so bad; I can’t even get scrubbing bubbles to come out of the spray can, they are so scared of the impending death and doom of dirt. The kitchen looks like the fire extinguisher went off with an open and loose hose and landed grey stains over everything.

 Three weeks ago there were two full-time workers on the books. I do not know where they thought their vacation was and how long they thought they could take, but I am at the point where one or both are going to be fired. I did send out an email to both stating we need to have a staff meeting and get back to work, but no one has answered yet. Damn lazy bastards, the two of them. I may have to move if they don’t soon get back here as I am running short on clean clothes and towels and sheets are starting to smell funny.

Do you know what I want, what I really, really want; is for all you people to be just like me, or at least close to just like me, well, at least think like me then. My world would be such a happier and calm place to be for all of us involved. There. It had to be said and I said it.

And then there is the other half of my life, the husband in training. I sometimes look over at him and the words coming out of his mouth and I just shake my head, but in my head, you know the indoor voice, I think “Really? What is wrong with you? Did somebody drop you on your head a lot of times when you were a baby?” The latest thing I refer to is “I got everything done I wanted to do this weekend.” And that was last Sunday close to lunch time. I saw him leave the couch long enough to fix the tailgate on his truck and to…umm…hmmm…that was it. Twenty minutes of work in two days and he is happy with himself and proud of himself, to boot. He is a special child for sure. I, on the other hand, am running like a carrot scared of the boiling water chasing it, in hopes of getting at least five more of the twenty-five things that are still on my list of seventy-five things to do. Something tells me I need a better list.

I am doing a quick change of subject here because this is huge and because I can change the subject if I want to. It is large and big and frightening and scary for all involved. I have realized of late (the last two weeks), that I am at a place where I am going to have to have someone with me during the day; well really all waking moments is the more politically correct term.  But, alas, it is true; I am going to start looking into homecare, and not the VON daily visit. This will be twenty-four hour live in position; my beck and call boy, if you will. Hey, f I am going to do it, I am going to do it big. And, if I’m getting personal care it is going to be eye-pleasing, arm candy. And maybe he could show me how to work my toothbrush better, too.

The morning fight with my toothbrush gymnastics should be an automatic entry into the Olympics and I am not even joking. I have tried everything to keep the splatters in my mouth and they still seem to be everywhere, including my face. It has become an event I do not look forward to each and every morning. I have an electric toothbrush to start with. So, every morning I start with the brush in my mouth and on. It is doing the upper back teeth and I am good with that part. Then the one-minute timer goes on the toothbrush and I slide to the upper front side. I try closing my mouth around the brush, but that only works for the sides. The front is where it starts to get shaky. Okay, the second minute is up and I am down to the bottom backside of my mouth. Now I have to lean my head back and close my throat off so the toothpaste and dirt do not run down my throat and still keep my mouth closed. I am trying to swallow without opening the throat and trying at the same time to pay attention to the brushing strokes so I don’t miss any teeth and still trying to keep my mouth shut. Last change ring and I am home free or so I delude myself every day. This is the worst one as the amount of stuff (foaming toothpaste) is threatening to break through my throat wall and seems to have become huge as I do everything in my power to keep my attention on the task at hand. Don’t open throat whatever I do. Don’t miss a tooth whatever I do. Don’t let my mouth open whatever I do. Stop trying to swallow because that would kill me or at very least gross me out. And the final minute is over and I lean over the sink and spit it all out and the toothbrush is still running; splattering toothpaste all over my face, the sink, the mirror, and the walls. Even when I do remember to turn the toothbrush off before taking it out of my mouth; the results are still the same. And then I head downstairs for the next chapter in my day to commence.

It is the never-ending searching a blank abyss for the word to complete the sentence I am trying to complete, and it is the most important word to boot. It has become very frustrating to have a complete sentence ready to come out of my mouth, only to realize after it is on the way out; that I don’t have the most important word to finish off the sentence. A few people in my life, the ones closest to me seem to get it right on the first, second, or third try of guessing the word; but for all those unlucky people who get to meet me in public and watch the contorted looks on my face as I go through the alphabet trying to find the one missing word; well that must be pretty comical, scary, or all of the above. And to top it off, sometimes the word does not come to me and I have to walk away with that unfinished feeling. This is where I truly understand Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Four hours later when it does come back to me I want to run back to you with the word and be so proud of myself and when I have done that; you look at me like I have a second head or something equally as crazy. But, inside, I feel like I accomplished a feat, another moment completed with the period intact.

Here is an even crazier thing; this does not happen when I am typing these pieces. I never lose the word or thought. So, somewhere between my thought in my head and that sentence getting to come out my mouth, a left gets made instead of a right and one or more words went right without me noticing. And once that happens, it is already too late to fix that disaster. I cannot even pretend to care once that happens. I just walk away, onto the next moment of my life, except when you cannot guess the correct word I am hunting for. My head automatically will go to, what is wrong with you people? I want to say it isn’t so, but it is so. It just seems bigger, more dramatic, and pleads my case a little stronger when you become ‘you people’. You know, like you cannot catch a crab, you catch crabs, you cannot catch a bed bug, but you catch bed bugs. Are you starting to automatically feel a little itchy? Kinda, sorta, maybe? You guys are way too easy, but honestly, I am feeling a little scratchy maybe.

And what about the perfume industry, going and catching us all with bull crap or what. Did you know there are four ratings for perfumes? There is parfum, eau de parfum, eau de toilette, and eau de cologne. They rank in concentration from parfum on down. That is not the part that bothers me. Did you hear number three on the list, eau de toilette? Do you know what that means, and yes it is French? ‘Water of toilet’. Parfum is the highest concentration of the perfume and the most expensive. Want to pay less? Go for eau de parfum which is water and parfum with less concentrate. Then there is the third and my favorite, eau de toilette. For a lot less money and perfum we can ingest toilet water into the tiny perfume amount and still charge you money while we stir a tiny bit of perfume in the toilet water and call it ‘eau de toilette’ and you think that must be sheik and expensive.

Oh and to finish off this piece with a little knowledge for the record; ‘till death do us part’ is not real. I am on number 4 of till death do us part and nobody is dead. I waited and they do not die. I got tired of waiting. I was getting old waiting. They do not die. The first one is still floating around out there and very much alive. Another old wives tale busted and you’re welcome.

I may make you laugh or tug at your heartstrings or even fire you up with some of my blogs, but this year I want to start with end each piece with reminders not of how we are different, but by reminding ourselves and each other about the common threads we share. And on that note here is number two.

I think I will end this with a query, a question if you will. If I am me and you are you and we are both different; where do we find the similarity in each of us? How do we find one common denominator in all of us? I don’t want to be segregated by anything. I want to have one commonality with everyone and I am searching far and wide to find that. Today I find in my searching that we all have a soul. Each and every one of us has a soul within us through our lives. I am one to bare my soul, to wear it on my sleeve, but that is just mine. That common thread soul connects us to each other all across this world.

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Can You Hear What I Hear

Can You Hear What I Hear

So, life has been very real and sad and busy and crazy and full of all sorts of twists and turns. It has run the gamut of my emotions and left me feeling very vulnerable and raw. I am not going to talk about that this week; maybe next week, but not this week.

First of all, I want to apologize for being lax of late. There have been a couple of events that have taken all of my time and energy…

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I Am My Change Today

I Am My Change Today

Here I sit on Christmas Day and finish on New Year’s Day with more gratitude than I know what to do with. It fills my soul in places I did not even know existed. This year is ending on such a fantastic air I will forever carry it in my heart. When I think of the moments that have been given to me this year, I am humbled.  To be alive this past year and experience so many ups and downs is…

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Happy Sunday to all out there and I am back to doing my blog. Thank you all for your patience as I went through what I went through. I am now back on track and the weekly is happening. Enjoy the week and the read.

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My Yearly Moment

Here I sit, once again wondering how I got to where I am. Each and every year I come upon the day that my life became whole and free and worthwhile and real and I am humbled beyond my imaginations wildest dreams possible. For a month or so around this upcoming date, I get weepy and overwhelmed and grateful beyond anything I can truly explain, but I am going to try. I wake up with this aura around…

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This piece is going to take me to uncharted territory. I am going to talk about feelings and realities and fears and hopes and all the yucky stuff in between. I will give warning, though, to those of you that have no feelings, don’t want to have feelings, aren’t real, don’t want to be real; you should probably

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I Wanted To End It Back Then, Happy Today I Did Not.

I Wanted To End It Back Then, Happy Today I Did Not.

This piece is going to take me to uncharted territory. I am going to talk about feelings and realities and fears and hopes and all the yucky stuff in between. I will give warning, though, to those of you that have no feelings, don’t want to have feelings, aren’t real, don’t want to be real; you should probably back away from this piece and run for the hills. For the rest of you please read on and…

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I am sitting down, after what seems like forever, to start back with my blog again. It surprises me, even though I needed the summer off, how much I missed my weekly rants and raves and hearts and laughs. I so needed to recalibrate my life and goals and set new destinations for the next year as I wrap closer to the

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Welcoming Me Back! The Sarcastic Second Part!

Welcoming Me Back! The Sarcastic Second Part!

I am sitting down, after what seems like forever, to start back with my blog again. It surprises me, even though I needed the summer off, how much I missed my weekly rants and raves and hearts and laughs. I so needed to recalibrate my life and goals and set new destinations for the next year as I wrap closer to the season of which we will not speak and will not discuss or even think about. But…

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THE WOMAN IN MY MIRROR

The woman in my mirror came with me this very busy and noted summer vaca… from my blog and life of reporting. So many things I can see and even more I cannot see became evident in my soul and life. There are many I will talk about throughout the next few weeks, but for now, I want to knock out a wall and open a new room in my head. And let’s start here; yes we shall.

It amazes me the number of things that are told to me about me and thus I must keep my mouth shut about them. The funny, albeit thinly veiled truth about this, is that most of it is about the negative side of thoughts about me. The person I am says let me talk to them and straighten them out about this complete rubbish, but the woman in my mirror says very sternly that I cannot do that as I am not supposed to know about these particular conversations. That just makes me angry and I have realized I have taken this gossip into my head and allowed it to rent space freely and become a part of the things maybe I should not write about. And that, my friends, follies, and foes; is just not right or going to happen. And this, my friends, follies, and foes; is just what we are going to talk about today. This will be the elephant in my room today. Actually, it could be many of ours (the elephant that is); that we do the walk on eggshells or want to not tip the egg crate over. So, today, let’s make scrambled eggs with the egg shells mixed right in today and see what comes out.

I have noticed that the good things about me that others say; well they never come back to me. I never hear “Well so and so said that you are the most caring person I know.” What I do get to hear is “Well so and so said that you are very bad at caring about others”. This is only a fictitious example as I cannot use the actual comments spoken. I am sure by now you are getting the picture and starting to think about this, and as you do you are shaking your head and “Damn she’s right”. And I am. When was the last time that someone came up to me and said “Did you know this person said that “You are the absolute best and I need to have you in my life”. It is a new concept for sure. It is not one used very often for sure. But I digress at this moment, so back to the task at hand.

I thought that I was so all past that caring what other people think and living other people’s thoughts of what my life should look like, but I realize that this is only partially true. I don’t care what you (the world) think about me in general; however, I do care when others think something they cannot tell me to my face. That is the point I have an issue with. You are more than welcome to think whatever bad or negative thing you want to about me; just tell it to me instead of spreading idle gossip that could potentially hurt someone else very much. I worry about the person who is not as secure in themselves and trying to sort out who they are and what they are. Me, I can take this shot at me for what it is and recognize it and then notice very quickly that it is starting to rent space for free in my head and throw that garbage away. Most times, if I look at the source of the comment, the person who said it in the first place; well I very quickly understand the envy and jealousy wrapped up in this bundle of very uninteresting and plain negative comment. It usually takes only a moment to see where they are in their life to understand that they only wish they had the strength, drive, perseverance, honesty, and woman in my mirror. And here we are back at the mirror woman again.

It has taken a lot of frustration and work and tears and anger and pain to get that woman to be the pillar of me today that looks back at me with pride and love. This woman trusts me to make better choices, live a better life, follow my gut feelings and live in the real world. My woman in the mirror today is me looking back at me. My woman in the mirror today is the person I always wanted me to be and dreamed I could be, but never really thought I could actually be.

For me, there were many stages to go through to get to this, very painful steps to get here. At first, when I got here into recovery alive; well there was so much more important stuff to deal with and sort out. There was just trying to get to enough meetings to stay clean, trying to only hang out with people who were staying clean, worrying that people with a lot of clean time would not want to hang out with me. Scared to death that these same people would not like me or want to be around me. Trying to listen enough to hear anything that would make sure I did not go back to that place where death was at my door. Back then, I wanted everyone to like me and everyone in the program to be upfront, honest, and good.

Then came the hurt of being let down and finding dishonesty and people around me relapsing and being terrified I could be next. So, I dug deep within me and did the hard work to get those fears taken away from my head and slay the dragons that might come alive to send me back to that life.

Then came a bit of self like that maybe I do have this and maybe I can stay clean and maybe I ‘m not that bad a person. Maybe I am likable. I remember how hard that was to swallow and believe in myself. The best analogy for me of my growth was, in the beginning, I hated getting my picture taken. And when someone did take it I hated the shot of me. I used to say “I’m just not photogenic”. This got better with a lot of time. Today I am okay with the pictures I am in. Today I am really okay as long as you don’t ask me to pose. I still get so nervous trying to do that. Thus selfies hourly are not ever going to be me.

Back to the amount of work that it took to get my woman in the mirror to be whom she is today. Once I realized and accepted that there is an end of me at the end of my fingers and toes and that your opinion does not have any place in my knowledge of me; that it is only your opinion and your state of mind that particular moment that will be the only things you use to form that opinion; well then it became clear that your opinions of me are clouded with your feelings and emotions and not my realities at all. They, therefore, have no visible truth or invisible reality. Do not get me wrong, you are still entitled to have them and I could give a rat’s ass (rat’s asses mean very little to me) that you do have them or keep them; however, I do ask a personal favor when talking about others and your opinions of them. Please be very sure that you at least consider the person for whom you are going to negate and how this may affect their feelings of themselves, especially if they are at a very precarious place in their life.

And here I am, back doing and being me again. The woman in my mirror has just taken back my control of myself and my fierce belief in who I am and what I do. I have to be vigilant in not allowing anyone to pierce this beautiful soul that I have worked so hard on. We should all be this vigilant once we have done this massive work on ourselves to become the people we are and are meant to be. We should also be less judgemental of those others people’s places and words we hear them say, understanding that not everyone’s skin is a strong as ours or as tenuous as theirs (those having these confounded opinions). If you feel like I may be talking about you, please give your head a shake. Life and events are not always about you and you may want to have a look at the work you need to do on you if this seems to make you feel guilty as charged. Or, if you know someone like this, let them be where they are. You do not have to repeat what they say or otherwise make yourself a part of the discussion. God gave us legs for a reason. When you come up beside or near someone starting this type of conversation, use the legs to walk away. The more people we walk away from, the less the story gets repeated. The less the story gets repeated, the fewer people hurt. The fewer people hurt, the happier people get. Today I can say something good to your face and bring my issue to your face, too. Today that is who I am and what I choose to be.

We have now come to the end of this first piece back in the land of truth only and no dares needed. I feel great to be back and excited about the journeys we are going to take together.

As with the past, if you enjoy the read; please like, share, post and comment if the moment so moves you. Please enjoy the journey you are on today because without doing today, we do not get tomorrow.