sunrisesthings

[sunrisesthings]

grief as the year ends

December 31, 2024

It's the last day of the year. The last day of the year where you loved me. You're probably out there, loving someone new. Getting the love and peace that you crave for.

While I am here.

Weeping the last tears I hope I'll shed. Looking at these bunch of photographs of us and trying to remember the memories behind them. I can still picture it very well. It was after one of our dates. I'll never know it's going to be our last. Every picture , I keep saying to myself that I should've held you longer. I should've hugged you tighter. I should've told you that I love you many more times that day. But I couldn't. I didn't know, because all I know is that I have forever to do that.

But the only thing I have left now is grief.

They say grief is all the love you have for that person with no place to go. I don't know where to put it all and it hurts, so much.

I think I will always love you. I accepted it from the moment I let you go that I'm going to love you even if you're not mine to keep anymore, even if I'll see you already with someone else. Even if you forget about me and move on with your life. I'm afraid I'll never ever get over it.

In my head I was laying on your chest and hearing your heart beats. In my head, it was July and you told me you wanted to marry me. In my head, it's raining and you were laying down on our sofa and I'm watching you sleep peacefully. In my head you were still there.

But I open my eyes and all of it is gone. It seems that I was the easiest thing you can throw away. I was left discarded. No closures, no goodbyes, it just disappeared like it was nothing, like we were nothing.

So I wept tonight. Because even if we ended up bad, these photographs that I can't delete were proof that we're real. You loved me. Even for a short time you made me feel so happy and loved. I will always be grateful for that, for loving the little girl inside of me who wanted to be taken care of. For bringing out the side of me that wants to settle down.

Someday, I'll forget about you. Someday, your name won't hurt anymore. I'll forget about the rainy days, and the sofa where you used to sleep, and the way you smile. How you cook your pancit canton, how you get grumpy in the morning, how your hugs feels like cause maybe it's been 7 months since the last time I touch you but the feeling felt like It happened yesterday lang. Maybe someday I'll get over it on a random Tuesday the same day that you decided to not fight for me anymore .

Maybe.

But right now let me sit with it. Let me cry with it. Let me drown with these tears as I left this year where you loved me and I love you. Let me be with the version of myself that loved you.

I pray for you everyday. It was part of the deal.

I hope you get everything that you wanted in life, my love. And I hope I'll never hear a thing about it.

[sunrisesthings]

there's more into life

December 1, 2024

I'm doing better these days. Not the best, but better, which means my hope, and enthusiasm was slowly coming back. I cry less, I still cry but less. My heart was still heavy but I've come to hold it and be gentle with it until it feels less of a burden. I'm eating well. I can go outside and don't feel the need to go home and rot in bed all day. I can watch sunsets and hope for the better days to come.

For the past months I've met the saddest and broken version of me all because of loving someone. I didn't talk much about it because when I speak, there's a lump in my throat that urged me to cry. I never knew love until I met him. I never knew love until my heart got broken because of him. I was used to unrequited affection or happy crushes and unending flings without commitment because I know back then how heavy it would be if I committed to someone. I lost a part of myself trying to give the love he wanted. It was not his fault asking for a thing he knew he deserved. It's just that it cost me so much of my life that I tried so hard to build for the years I spent alone. The dream I built for myself, the carefree person that I was, the little girl who wants to go to different places. It was gone.

But the thing is, I never regret it. It was all I needed at that moment. I was not alone anymore. I have someone. Someone to call when I have a bad dream. Someone to tell how my day was, someone to share my meals with, and cook a food for. It was all I wanted. There's a version of me who's sitting there being the lover that I always imagined. I was ready to give up everything. He made me learn that in order for a relationship to work it should cost something. So I give, sometimes I fall short, and he did too but we forgive. We give even if it cost you so much because we hope that all of the things we sacrifice will soon be worth it.

Not until I realized that I was giving it to a wrong person. It takes time for me to digest it because I was so sure of him. I made a pact with myself that once I got committed I would be so sure he's the one. I guess I didn't made my walls higher after all. I stoop down to the lowest level of myself asking someone to give me the bare minimum and everytime I think about it, I wasn't angry at him but I was angry at myself. I wish I knew that doing that won't make him stay. I really need to learn the hard way.

When he left, I lost a part of me. They said that it didn't last that long so it would be easier for me to get rid of this feelings. But I knew, when I love, I love hard. I feel everything so deeply so I know it will take a while. On the other hand, he moved on and heard that he found someone else already. I knew we were different and maybe for him, I was just a phase, something that he will get rid of soon. But for me, it will leave a scar that no one can ever patch up. It will take months, or maybe years for me to open up again. I can't get mad at him for moving on so quickly because maybe he needed that, he needed to be loved and I wasn't just the one that he wanted.

I wasn't searching for a closure anymore. That's where I knew that, I'm slowly moving forward. I don't feel the need to see or talk to him again. I'm slowly coming into peace of letting go of the people that weren't meant for me. I still cry, but not with the reason that I miss him. It was the thought that even things are blurry right now, and it seems like the pain won't end, someday, I will come to know why it has to happen. Someday, in a better place, maybe 8 months or a year from now, everything will be different. All the pain will make sense and I'm holding onto that.

There's more into life than this. I lost a part of myself, but I gained a new version. There's a peace knowing that he will never meet this new version of me and there's a peace of not knowing anything about him anymore.

Someday, when love finds me again, I hope it won't be this painful. I hope it will stay. I hope it won't abandon me. Until then, I will cling to the hope that there will be better days where I would cry for such a relief that everything fall into their right places.

[sunrisesthings]

Sentiments on Sunday Morning

September 17, 2023

I woke up early in the morning. This is my first time since leaving home that I woke up early just to go out and take a walk. I guess I was too tired that evening so I managed to get my sleep at 8 pm as soon as I finished washing the plates. I have a bad dream again about my family. I usually experience this when I'm exhausted. I woke up at 5 AM exactly and suddenly I felt hungry so I decided to take a walk and go to McDonalds near us.

The moment I saw how the world lit up calms me. I miss this feeling. It's not the cold breeze that heals my anxiousness but the sun rays touching my skin. I feel so calm and the warm breeze eases my worries.

I noticed the environment around and got amazed at how these people have their own lives and own stories to tell. I saw the unfortunate ones and I feel bad. I often feel ungrateful that I'm not wealthy enough to buy things that I want but some people out there were just trying to survive each day, looking for a safe place to sleep, for food just to ease their hunger and sometimes I saw a whole family eating their breakfast, lunch, and dinner as one in the street and it breaks my heart on how this world can sometimes be cruel on people. I wish and I pray that someday, when the world decided to be kind, I hope they would shower those unfortunate ones with blessings first. And I will work harder to be an instrument to extend my help and give them the comfort that they deserve.

But right now I was busy working on my own because how can I give to others what I don't have? So I woke up, even if I'm tired, I woke up and thank God for giving me another chance to learn, grow and bring kindness to people around me.

And I thank my parents for giving me the life full of comfort even if they have to sacrifice their own. No money, or thing could replace their own sacrifice just to give me this life that I deserve and I will work hard even If I have to sacrifice too just to give them everything they work hard for.

These are my favorite reasons for staying alive.

To find joy in little things. To give comfort to everyone. To give a beautiful life for my family and myself, to live a life full of adventures, and die with no regrets.

[sunrisesthings]

Growing Pains

July 31, 2023

They said that, the moment you leave, nothing feels like home. Your soul began to wander, searching for it's way back but you know there will be no way back. Nostalgia hits so hard and all you can do was to look at the pictures of the past trying to recollect every memories just to feel at home again.

I'm looking at those pictures right now and I'm so glad I keep them. I'm so glad I got to experience them. I'm glad I met these people. Even if some of them weren't in my life anymore. Once upon a time, they were there, with me. Living. We weren't thinking of what the future holds. We're just there unsure of what's coming ahead but making sure everyday counts. Making memories, prints everywhere like we wanted the whole world to know that we're here, we're right here. Not thinking that this day will come. That we will grow up and not being able to see each other again.

Now, we're all leaving one by one and I'm scared that I will just be the one to remember everything. Do they know? How my love runs deep?

Do they know? How I remember every little thing about them? I remember things like how my friend's home feels like home. I still remember someone's favorite color. Remember how they laugh, how they get upset over something. I remember them being sad and an ice cream would make them feel better. I remember them saying words that I eventually adapted. I remember my friend's favorite food. I remember them wanting to be a lawyer, a teacher, a doctor, a flight attendant.

And sometimes it pains me that I forgot them and I try to remember but I can't so all I did was try to remember them little by little until the day came where their name was the only thing I can remember. I can't remember their smile, the way they laugh, the way they cry and the way their eyes met mine . But the feelings they never go away. Do they know how my love runs deep? That even after all this time, when our paths cross again, they will always feel like home.

I now knew why I wanted to go back to the past. Not because I wanted to change something but I wanted to experience it all over again. Because I'm scared of forgetting those moments. I'm scared of forgetting how being alive feels.

[sunrisesthings]

It's July, It's raining and I'm leaving soon.

July 25, 2023

I always say that my favorite weather is the rainy one. For 20 years, rainy days feel like comfort. The smell of beef noodles that my mother makes, the dumplings during afternoon the bamboo outside our house swaying.

Right now this feels like home. My comfort zone. Where everything feels so familiar and I can be anything that I wanted to be. I can lay down with my soft blanket and look outside my window.

But it will be over soon. I will be leaving soon and home will never feel the same anymore. Does growing up need to be this painful? I wish I could just close my eyes and stay in the middle because life happens too fast.

I would finally be those people that home became just a vacation. I will be in a place where no one feels familiar. I'm scared. I know from the beginning this is all I wanted. I wanted to leave this place. Find myself somewhere and grow outside my comfort zone. I will do it all alone. But the transition from being here to there brings a lot of my emotions.

The moment I ride the bus and say goodbye to my family and friends. The way I will cry and face the new beginnings. I'm never prepared for what's coming ahead of me and I'm scared but I knew I was meant to do this.

Do rainy days in the city feel the same as the countryside? I bet not. I will miss my Tita's soup or aroz caldo. I will miss the sound of the wind outside our house. The breeze of the air. I will miss my bonding with our cousins where we always watch scary movies. I will miss my spontaneous gala with friends. The bike rides, the coffee shop hopping, the birthday celebrations, gala nights.

It brings me so much comfort to think that I've experienced all this childhood stuff before growing apart. I can't believe childhood is over. I will spend my lifetime longing for it, and missing those moments.

I will miss you, and I'll see you soon.

[sunrisesthings]

Honey, It's alright.

May 1, 2023

Hello, May!

It's been a while. Actually I attempted to write a blog last month but Tumblr wasn't kind enough to me, It wasn't posted and I haven't saved any drafts of it.

Anyway, I've been struggling a lot these past few days. I've got rest days tho. It wasn't that nice but at least?

I spent much of my days sleeping and lying in my bed. I contracted the flu too. God I hate that part. I wasn't able to open my eyes and the whole day I was either sleeping or attending my online class.

Today, I can say that I've been productive since I was able to read my lessons again and make some transes. However, I manage to have a mental breakdown in between my breaks.

I talked about it with my very close friend (which I missed a lot. Hi gelic!) . After talking and telling her how I'm in so much pain right now, we ended up making fun of our situation and we reminisce about our past experiences and I burst out laughing. I miss her a lot and I wish we were able to meet again she's my free therapy. :(

I was able to collect myself again and start my readings. I can't help not to think about everything that's happening to me.

Every time I feel upset, I always disconnect myself. Tell people that I wish I would never meet them again and I realize how rude I am for being like that. It was the height of emotions that made me think of cutting myself with people that I love for years.

I saw my friend posting about her relationship. I'm happy that she finally met someone that would treat her the way she was supposed to be treated. I was also happy to see my friends being in love.

And I can't help myself to think about when will be my time?

Honestly, I can't think of anything right now regarding relationships. I admit I feel lonely a lot. I keep on questioning myself, am I not worth it to be loved?

I deserved it too. But I needed to learn how to love myself first. I can't be going around feeling insecure about myself just because people won't choose me.

I need to choose myself first. Because at the end of the day, even if the world fails me, I'll still have myself and that should be enough. 🥺

I've read a line from a book that I've been privately skimming in a bookstore and up until now , it lives up in my head.

It said that maybe the world was preparing me for someone out there, some person that was meant to find me and it will find me in the right time.

But perhaps I should prepare myself for the fact that such a person never existed never will be.

It's a cruel thing that in this lifetime, some people are just meant to be alone. However, even if I get old and love will never find me. I hope I'd be able to repay the love that my family and my friends gave me.

I hope the older version of me wasn't feeling too lonely. I hope she wasn't blaming herself and asking if she's unlovable because the bravest thing that she will do for herself is to leave from a table that won't serve her the love that she deserves.

[sunrisesthings]

Detached

April 5, 2023

You don't feel like home anymore.

We're at that age where we outgrow some people. People you thought were gonna be there for the rest of your life and it's really hard to let go. The memories, plans you have with them, the way they make you feel like you've never felt it with other people, all of it, makes it harder to let them go. I thought I would never find someone like that again so I cling to it hoping that one day, maybe when the time is right, this waiting would go somewhere. There must be this reason why, and that's enough for me to endure this. Like at the end of the road, we'll be able to talk about it again and somehow I'll be able to get the closure.

But I get it.

There are things that I need to let go inexplicably. Certain people doesn't feel home anymore. But despite of that, I really hope they get the dreams that they want even if I'm not part of it anymore.

I hope you get everything you've ever wanted and I hope I never hear a thing about it.

[sunrisesthings]

Fine Line

March 22, 2023

what is meant for you will come even through storms.

Hello, world! It's been a nice weekend. Haven't felt this peace for a while. As much as I love this peace, loneliness starts to embrace me. Then I realize that the only thing I did was to study and worry about my future these past few days. I feel empty right now and that familiar pain was slowly making its way to my brain altering my mood the whole day.

I cried again. I really thought I'm over it you know? But then it was because of my acad that I spent less of my time to deal with different kinds of emotions.

It's hard being this soft. People keep on asking me if I was really like this cause it will put me into a great pain if someone makes a fool of me. Sometimes I curse myself for being like this. But then, to see good things in life despite everything, to look for the goodness of people and to be able to find light in darkness, will always be a part of me that makes me survive.

The hope that one day, we'll be able to answer our why's and let go of what could've been. I hope the other universe of mine, the better one, got to have her happy ending. More braver, more love to receive and plans in life that were certainly achieved.

I hope the other universe of mine was able to get the boy that she likes. She was able to pursue her passion in arts. Go to manila, live on her own and be mentally stable. Never got the glimpse of medicine, and was able to save herself more time of living rather than spending her life studying for the life of other people.

How selfless I became in this universe was a bittersweet taste of reality. Sometimes I think part of me will always be lost with the possibility of running away from all of it but then I know deep inside, this is the version of me that became irreversible. I cannot go back, and the only way to escape is to close my eyes and be blinded by the pain of reality.

That's why I became kind cause even if the world wasn't kind to me I know i can make it bearable to someone. And even if there's no turning back in these black tunnel, I can still see little holes of colors inside it. Those are mundane moments that make me feel alive.

Eventually, I'll be a fine line. Maybe things weren't going to be easier but I'll be stronger. I'll be braver and in that way I would never compare myself to the thoughts of what could've been.

I never know the face of victory but I hope I meet it someday :)

[sunrisesthings]

Life Update: I'm trying

February 24, 2023

Hello, how are you? A lot of things happen and I cannot find time to write down my thoughts here. Honestly, February has a lot of downs than ups. I really can't figure how to say this but I better leave out the details on this blog about those. I'm so tired of telling people why my name wasn't on the list. They kept asking if I got screened out? Or how am I? I don't know what to say.

I didn't even know who to blame. I tried so hard last semester maybe not my best but I'm really trying you know? It's hard cause I know I deserve to be there too 🥺

But I keep asking myself who to blame. Maybe this time I'll put the blame on myself. I depend so much on that prof that I become complacent with that subject. It's partly my fault too and I wanted to forgive her even if my dreams of going to Manila were compromised. How I really wish I could study it more so that even if I give her a very low assessment score, it wasn't going to be a problem cause my grades were okay enough to pass the subject.

Anyway, I should be thankful that It was being adjusted already and hopefully I'll able to pass this semester:( My academic confidence was on its lowest point tho. I really hope i could gain it again cause these subjects really require my full attention.

On my other side of life, I feel confused and overwhelmed about certain things. People confuses me. I'm relapsing from the thing that I thought I was over with. I know I shouldn't but God really knows how I'm trying not to put meaning to everything for me not to fall for it again. I hate it when people were like this to me. I deserve a love that's not confusing, straightforward, no hesitations but full of bravery and genuineness.

I deserve someone new, someone that can give me stability and if I keep myself relapsing with that one person over and over again, I will drown with this endless situation of getting over it and falling again in one flinched.

I really hope for this to pass and I'm looking forward for someone new cause I think this time, I'm ready for a relationship that would last long. Not being a distraction but someone that will drive me to do my best, someone that will bring a different kind of happiness.

I really hope so.

[sunrisesthings]

Scott Street

January 7, 2023

I'm no longer a teen. It's just supposed to be a number, one year being added to you, but for us, it means growing up and leaving something behind, for some people it means having big decisions that could alter the rest of your life. Maybe it means turning the page of a chapter or closing the book. A year added but your environment changes. Some never got to be with their friends again and have their nice lunch together. Some just simply move out to another country and start to build their own life or worse, maybe some of them never got to turn 20.

I'm really scared of growing up. I get emotional thinking of my childhood days. I've got the best one :( and I hate having this long term memory where I remember parts of it. I remember crying because our school got cancelled in 2nd grade. I go home and give my parents my 10 pesos that they gave to me for my meryenda. I nearly cried, I really like going to school back then even if I was constantly being bullied.

I remember a lot of memories when I was a child and I often dream about them. I was at our old house lying comfortably on the floor with my mother watching TV while stacking up our clothes. I remember being fond of waking up early. The sound of chickens during dawn, my Lola was right outside sweeping the streets and the song from my father's radio. I remember the bakery that I was always tasked to buy bread for our breakfast. I just go directly on their kitchen and ask for 'bagong lutong mamon' and they gave me a newly bake mamon and we will eat it with hot coffee or hot choco. It became my childhood place back then. I also remembered them making my cake when I was 7? Or 10? But right now, that bakery is gone and the only way to have bread is to ride a bike (which is dangerous because our highway is prone to accidents) or commute.

I dreamt of those scenarios most of the time. My father told us that he often dreams of his childhood too and then I think that we'll spend the rest of our time in the future longing for our early days. I will never get over it. I'll always be missing my childhood and even teenage life.

And now I'm in my early 20's. The older I became, the more I became different. I wasn't that enthusiast 'seize the moment' 'the sky is a beautiful ' person anymore. I became busier with my studies for my future. I rarely go outside for fresh air. It's sad but I guess that's how life works. It will never be easy growing up. Life decisions weren't really that final and sometimes there will be moments where you are pushed to make a decision that can change your life forever, irreversible change without any chance to think about it. Sometimes things won't go as you planned. I learned to accept most of it, and some of it? I learned how to live with what ifs.

I'm scared, universe. There's still more right? All I know is that I need to treasure every moment because right now would be a memory that I'll be longing for in the future. I hope for a kinder sea, a braver version of myself in my 20s and a life full of summers.

Cheers for my early 20's, we're really getting old. 🍷

[sunrisesthings]

Closing Moments of December

December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas, world! I Hope we're all safe and happy. Maybe some of us are not okay right now and it's okay! Maybe some of us are just barely surviving this Christmas, patiently waiting for something, lonely or maybe struggling with the loss of love ones. I want you to know that, it's gonna be okay. Maybe not today, not in the new year or for the next few weeks, but I do think things will be okay. You'll be okay. We will be okay. Right now, I want you to take deep breaths and be gentle to yourself. You're gonna be fine, and I'm sending hugs with consent!!

It wasn't that "Merry" Christmas to me too. My grandmother was sick and I heard her say "tapusin na natin ang Christmas na'to" it was a double meaning phrase and my tita wasn't happy hearing it. I got scared.

I'm scared of how things might change for the next Christmas and New years. My little sister who's younger than me was preparing for her migration in Spain, so my mother took a lot of pictures of us while preparing the Noche Buena. She even said that if I happened to take my internship next year, two of my younger sisters were just the one to be left at home with. I guess adulting scares me the most knowing that my environment was slowly transitioning into something that was bigger and that means leaving something behind.

However, I don't want to dwell on the future that much. I learned a lot this year. I honestly don't know if it's a good year or a tough one. Honestly, it was a tough but fulfilling one. I learned a lot of things, learned how to ride a bike, confessed to someone I really like and ended up being hurt but still I managed to get over it finally after 4 years. I even got my first passport and ATM card. My academics was the most challenging one as I experience countless sleepless nights just to get a failing score from a test. But still, I'm here, trying my very best to conquer my studies and it's one of the bravest things I did this year.

I'm at my most peaceful days right now. I don't feel anything like disappointments, and loneliness. Even if my Christmas doesn't feel happy that much I know, it will get better.

Anyway, my birthday will be in the next few days and finally, I'm not a teen anymore!!

I couldn't be more excited about what was ahead of my early 20's. There's so much more into life that I look forward to! More people to be friends with and places to go to.

Closing moments of December were the best moments, the coldness of air, the laughter of every person I love, the get togethers and year end parties. I love everything about it. ✨

Let's get our bottles up and cheers for the best years to come! 🍷🍾

[sunrisesthings]

Street lights and the Cold breeze

August 29,2021

I opened my eyes and saw this dark blue with a purplish white sky, open street lights, and empty roads. I'm standing on the side of the road while waiting for my companies to arrived. I've been feeling that cold breeze in the morning passing through my cheeks. I yawned and put my palm that is covered with my oversized sweater on my bare face to feel warm. I smiled. This familiar feeling of calmness during dawn in cold months has finally arrived. Where people come out on this time buying breads and coffee at the mini bakeries with their hoodies and pajamas. I laughed when I saw this person who's still wearing his socks. I love socks a lot. It keeps me warm and comfy. It makes me feel safe at every step I take. My eyes landed on the sky. It was that time I knew I would feel so alive even if the sun won't shine like ones on summers. I continued my walk and saw these old man riding his bike, I guess he would go early to his job. People who starts their day early amazes me the most. Either they have no choice because they have a job to attend to or just simply waking up enthusiastically hoping that this day will be their best shot. I like stories, hearing stories of other people, knowing their perspective in life.

Walking on these streets, feeling this cold breeze and having a glance on my little world is my sanctuary. The cold breeze is hugging my whole existence wrapping me with calmness and solitude. I wish I could stay here forever. Where life feels so simple. No slamming doors, unbearable pains and griefs. Mentally, my mind was here, and it was the time I feel like I'm drifting away and my soul feels so alive.

[sunrisesthings]

Oversized Hoodie

November 19, 2022

Hello, world! I've learned a lot about myself today. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I was quite disappointed that one of my friends cancelled her lakad with me :( I'm already dressed so I still continue going to the mall despite of being alone. While waiting for my family to arrive to have dinner with them, I roamed around and looked for food because I was starving. I happened to buy a corn dog and an ice cream with a flavor of toblerone. My loneliness subsides the moment I taste the ice cream. I'm such a fan of sweet foods. Thankfully and hopefully I won't be able to develop a resistance to insulin.

Looking at this crowd of people around me, most of them have a companion and I can't stop asking myself why am I alone? I don't wish for more companies. Even one or two people would be enough to be with me during those times.

I can manage to be alone tho. Hovering around, looking for novels to read, eating alone and trying new things. But sometimes, I get scared by big crowds. I can't move around when my social anxiety attacks. I can't even talk to people that much. So I find wearing this oversized hoodie a very comforting one. My arms were fully covered and it was lengthy enough to reach my upper legs. It's so thick that I can't feel the coldness of the air inside and outside of the mall.

I can't deny the loneliness I felt inside :( I'm such a good company tho. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable with a lot of people but I'm a good company when it comes to being with my close ones.

I just think that maybe, God knows that I can do these things alone and I don't need anybody right now or maybe I was destined to be like this forever so maybe this was a practice? To be completely fine being alone.

Ended the day knowing that I didn't pass the DOST exam again. I wasn't that surprised, I didn't have a review and I did a lot of guessing. But a part of me, a little part of me hopes for something that maybe miracles do happen. Unfortunately, that's not the case for me.

I wasn't that 'magaling' I didn't even know if I'm the 'average one'. Sometimes I hate myself for being like this. I feel sorry for my parents too. They deserve a child that they can post on social media having a caption of "hey my daughter passed this exam!"

They didn't experience having that child and I felt really bad for that :<

I know there's still so much more in life. There would be comprehensive exams, board exam, and NMAT. I can't lose myself yet just because of this.

I know that scholarship would be a big help for me and my family. But maybe, God's plan was better than mine. Still there's a part of me that says, maybe it was for me but I let it pass, I didn't fight for it. My efforts weren't enough and that's true. But for the sake of me not blaming myself with everything, I learned to be gentle with myself and think that it wasn't really for me. Maybe God gave me a sign that there's a different path I should take and in order for that to happen, I should learn to accept the fact that there are some things that I wasn't supposed to have.

I still hope for better days, and for my victories in life and I will do my best for it to come true.

"When the time is right, I the Lord, will make it happen"

Isaiah 60:22

[sunrisesthings]

Sore throat and Secrets

November 13, 2022

Hello world! It's been a while. I'm so busy with my academic responsibilities even though there were some breaks, I haven't properly gained my energy and sleep yet. Right now, I'm having a bad sore throat and a runny nose while writing this . (still hoping it wasn't COVID)

I know I haven't reached my rock bottom, but right now, I'm at the edge of my cliff. I knew how this year would break me. It would mess up my sleeping schedules, my me time schedules, the trust I have on myself even my dreams to continue on pursuing medicine.

I hate it, I hate that I am built like this. I don't know if there's truly so much more in me. I don't know If I still have the capacity to pass this. When I enter this program I have so much enthusiasm, so much eagerness to fight, but right now, I can't even see the glimpse of passing this program. I hate that I'm not intelligent like other people, I'm just an average one that even if I studied for hours, for days I would still get block minded even during exams . I don't know if I'm still doing my best. I didn't even know what was the best thing to do.

They said that I should never compare myself with others. How can I do that when I grow up with parents who compare their child with others? It's like, there's a part of me that I get a validation when someone have a low score than me. I know it's bad, and I hate myself for it. I didn't even know how to make it stop. So looking at these people around me who get high scores at exams made me feel small.

My professor once told me that the only person you should compare to yourself would be the person that you are yesterday. It means that if you were able to make progress even the smallest one from the person you are yesterday then you'll be great. Don't make anyone your standard.

I hope there would be an easy way to put that in practice because this mindset of mine is draining me. I badly wanted to succeed and I get emotional thinking about it. I badly wanted to go to medschool :(

But what if it isn't for me? It makes me sad thinking of it. There's so much more in medicine that I wanted to learn even if the capacity of my brain wasn't that capable enough to enter medschool.

I wish this would all make sense someday. Today, I also learned that all of the motivation would be useless if I didn't have the drive to learn. Most of my days circulate on reading to pass this quiz, memorized this bunch of info's for me to pass this semester. I didn't have the eagerness to learn for someone's life someday. Maybe, if I put my mind on that line where someone's life will depend on my readings and understanding then maybe I would make some improvements.

I'm scared that my mental capacity won't fit my dream of going to medschool. But behind it, I wanted to know if there's still more into me if I put so much effort in my studies. This will be my reminder to not settle for less and always aim for more information to learn.

Till the next breakdown, peeps!

[sunrisesthings]

Cold Halloween Blues

November 2, 2022

"It will pass, in several months, it will. The pain is temporary, you'll recover from it"

I never did.

It never passed and even if I became enthusiastic about what tomorrow might bring, be it peace of mind, I know there would be something that will tear it down. It's an unending cycle of getting over it and relapsing.

I tried to look at it on a bigger picture. How all of these would just be stories to tell in the future. Laughing at how problematic and bothered I am for something that is temporary. It would help, sometimes. Then I thought if in the future, will God gave me this shot again? Would it be different? I don't know and perhaps I'm living for the hope that someday it would all make sense. Like this particular thing don't work out because I have better story, a better chapter to go on.

Until it goes down to, will I leave longer to experience all of that? I have this intrusive thoughts that I wouldn't live longer than I hope to be. I don't seem bothered to think about it only that I hope I'll be able to repay all the money and sacrifices that my parents spent or did for me to have this life. But most of it, I felt like I wasn't born to live long. I wasn't that scared. The only thing is, there's so much more into life that I wanted to experience. I haven't have my first relationship yet, getting seriously drunk, or simply riding a bike on a busy highway to buy some bread.

There's so much more into life that I wanted to experience. I'll never get scared of dying, but I get scared thinking of what could've been if I live longer.

Nah that's just an intrusive thought I needed to release because it's Halloween night!

Anyway, I'm sleepy and I needed to regain my proper sleeping pattern. Goodnight and Happy Halloween peeps!

[sunrisesthings]

Fall

October 12,2022

How I wish I could take back the time, make a 360° turn and remove myself from this path.

If I could just have the power to know that it will be this hard. Hard enough to swallow my self esteem, my peaceful mental health, the belief I had to myself and everything I once had since highschool. I lost it all.

But today, it's raining. I'm wearing my clinical uniform and I come to school on time. I happen to know everything that I failed to answer right in my past quizzes. I didn't know my score but I was sure I failed it. But then I continued as I wanted to break down. We take a quiz and the items 1 up to 10 were purely guess. Item 11 came and it asked to write my target grade on that subject (Clinical Bacteriology) I didn't ask for more, I wrote down a grade of 82. It was enough for me to still have my scholarship next semester. Item 12 and it asked what was my target grade for the board exam and I wrote 82.5 hoping for a miracle that I would have the chance to have at least maybe not that 82 higher but a grade higher than 75. Item 13 and it asked to write down my target top on board exam. It's funny, I wasn't thinking about it. I wanted to write "makapasa lang" but then I hope, i let my inner hopeful child write top 8th. My favourite number is 8. But would it be nice to have your name beside it? Item number 14 and it asked to write a letter for myself. I nearly cried. HAHA I can't cry in front of my classmate so I happened to suppress it. I wrote down "Hindi ka bobo, you can do hard things, and even greater than that"

I want some reassurance that I wasn't like that. I am more than what I think I am. I'm more than what I aim for. And I needed it to come within myself. I needed myself to be stronger than before that even a lower score wouldn't let my whole intellectual capacity dictate who I am and what I am capable of.

Then I thought, as I reflected on everything, I wasn't here for nothing. I wouldn't have it another way. Even if it's hard. Even if it will suck the life out of me. I wanted it more.

There are so many people out there who are rooting for me. I cannot let them down especially my parents. I cannot let myself down. And so I continued, with so many bruises together with my hopes and dreams.

My professor told us earlier that God is already in the testing center. He was there waiting for you. He knows every hard work, sleepless nights, everything about the struggles you have and he will never betray you. He in the in the right time will make it happen.

And to my self, I wish for the life you wanted for yourself to come true in the near future. I wanted you to know how brave you are and you deserve the best things in life. Keep going little bun!

[sunrisesthings]

An Open Letter to Jude St. Francis

September 3, 2022

"You're not stupid"

"I'm just not explaining it well enough"

Those lines, simple yet ones that captures me. How I wish there would be humans out there who think exactly like you. However, as the story goes by. It wasn't the same. It occurs to me that you blame yourself for everything. For bad things that keeps on happening, for inconvenience that you thought you bring to people. I wish I could hug you even if I know you wouldn't let me to. I wish I could. You don't deserve the world. It hasn't been kinder to you but you've been brave enough to accept it, to hold on to it even voices keeps on saying you should let go. I wished you're with Willem right now. I like to imagine that somewhere, where life after death exist, you're with Willem. Or maybe not, maybe in different universe, you have parents who will pick you up at school, you have a crush and you'll walk towards her trying to deliver your simple hello. Maybe you're out there, living the life you wish you have and that thought comforts me, somehow you found the life you deserve. You change me, in every possible way. You make me want to live more and how ironic it is to found a reason to be alive and it is from someone who take his own life.

I remember the scene where you and Willem, inside the bathroom dancing and resting your heads with one another. I remember Willem hugging you at nights you want to cut yourself. I remember you replaying the awards night were Willem says " to my best friend, the love of my life". I remember you whispering to the air when Willem died asking him to come back to you. It still hurts. The way you tried so hard to remember everything about him, you being scared to not remember his voice anymore , his smell from his clothes. Knowing that pain exist from the aftermath of losing someone scared me the most. It was a vivid experience, a life without them. You'll never get to hear their voices again or seeing their gaze look directly on yours, how they would do some simple things like having a glass of water in the morning, or cooking their breakfast. And sometimes the pain of losing them was something we never really get over, we just get better at handling it. Sometimes we still imagine that they are still here, that they just go to some sort of vacation for a long time and with that thought you make yourself believe that they're not truly gone and it became your solace, your one truly reason to take one step forward every morning trying to live in a world where they no longer exist.

You'll always be my comfort character, sad, tragic but beyond that you're beautiful, how you manage to live in a world that didn't deserve someone like you. I hope you get to see your happy years on another dimension where you didn't have to show a little life, but a happy life.

I'll always think about you, Judy.

Love,

Cla