sunrisesthings

[sunrisesthings]

Sometimes it would take a song to bring back all the pain I've experienced last year.

[sunrisesthings]

[sunrisesthings]

a bittersweet feeling

May 29, 2025

It's raining and I'm playing the songs I used to love when I'm with you. I tried to keep them hidden for months. I skipped it the moment I heard the familiar sound.

Even though a lot of people complimented me on how it smells, I haven’t bought that perfume again—the one that reminds me of you.

I managed to delete our photos well, some of them. I found the phone I used to send you my love from a distance. I was terrified of seeing pictures and videos of us. Thankfully, most of it was already gone by the time I realized you weren’t coming back

I never found peace in the rain, until today. I used to resent it, because last year, it followed us like a shadow. Every time we met, the sky wept softly. We’d line up for coffee at that little truck, rain drumming gently on the roof, then hide beneath the big umbrella hoodies damp, hearts wide open—talking about everything we could’ve been

I used to hate your black coffee kinda dull, bitter, unforgiving. I’ve always preferred mine sweet, the way you used to dislike. We never really agreed on much. Still, I used to believe we loved each other so deeply, we’d bend every part of ourselves just to make it work.

I used to believe we loved each other deeply , until we fell apart, and I realized you only loved the version of me you created in your mind. You shrank me to fit the shape of your ideal, molding me into someone easier to love.

I wasn’t cherished for who I truly was. Not for my taste in coffee, not for the songs that moved me, not for the solitude I needed, or the way I loved others with my whole heart.

You never liked my journal. You mocked the words I wrote for people I once loved, as if my past made me less worthy of being yours.

I blame myself for it—every single day.

For the choices I made in the past, the ones that slowly unraveled what we had.

I shrink myself daily, wishing I hadn’t been so tired, wishing I’d stayed awake through the movies you loved, because God knows I truly wanted to meet you in your language.

I wanted to be there.I wanted to learn your favorite games, just to be near you, to understand the world you found joy in.

The moment I knew we weren’t going to work out was the moment I realized—maybe you’ll find someone who speaks your language.

From your point of view, maybe I’d go off searching for someone new, someone better.

But even then, all I could think about… was you.

I imagined you meeting a girl who fits you more naturally , a soulmate without the rough edges.Someone you wouldn’t have to compromise for.Someone who already knows the games you love,who’ll stay up through your sleepless nights, who won’t doze off halfway through your favorite stories.

Not a sleepyhead like me.Not someone who tried too hard to keep up, only to fall behind.

It’s been nine months now since you left. I’ve been living with the silence you left behind—no kind words, not even a proper goodbye. Like I didn’t deserve closure. Like I didn’t matter.

Every day, I carry the weight of it. The ache, the unanswered questions. Sleepless nights, crying quietly to God, begging Him to take the pain away.

But here we are, even though the grief still lingers, like the rain that visits every afternoon—I’ve learned its rhythm.

Some days, it falls gently, just enough to remind me it’s still there. Other days, it pours heavy, pressing on my chest until I drift to sleep beneath the weight of it.

But even in its return, it feels a little lighter now. As if sorrow, too, learns to soften with time.

I’m feeling okay now.

I used to avoid playing the songs I used to listen to when we're together like the songs of I Don’t Like Mirrors, but now, I realize it belongs to me.

I reclaim it, listening while the rain falls softly outside, trying to wash away the memory of you.

It’s just me, the rain, and that song playing quietly behind my headset. I hold a book, take a slow sip of coffee, and for once, there’s no one I’m trying to please. I’m alone. At peace. And no one can hurt me anymore.

In that moment, I don’t think of you. Not the memory of you lying on the sofa at 5 a.m., the rain falling all through the dawn, me watching you sleep.

That feeling… it finally fades away.

I get the feeling you’ve found everything you were looking for. Someone who speaks your language, someone who fits the life you dreamed of.

And it hurts—more than I can explain.

But here I am, holding this quiet ache, tasting the bittersweet truth: the sweetness of being happy for you, knowing you’ve found love again—and the bitterness of realizing I’m left with being scared to open my heart again. Scared I’ll never find someone to love the way I loved you.

But I still carry this hope that it will get better, someday.

Maybe I’ll find someone too, the way you found yours. Someone who doesn’t make me translate my love into a language that isn’t mine.

Someone who knows my coffee order by heart—sweet, with too much milk.

Someone I don’t have to panic over in the morning, afraid I fell asleep again and left him waiting. Someone who’d smile and think,

“She’s probably sleeping now, such a sleepyhead.”

Someone who understands that I’m a mosaic. A quiet collection of every place I’ve been, every person I’ve loved, and everything I’ve ever felt too deeply.

Maybe I’ll find that kind of love too. Right?

[sunrisesthings]

What's in next for me?

May 27, 2025

Hello, world. I've been feeling lost for a while. I'm having a hard time getting a job. I expected that it would be hard because of the system that we have right now in PH. I've been passing all of my requirements to different hospitals and travel from my province to Manila just to hand in the requirements personally. I did get some callbacks, but given my situation right now, travelling back and forth, I wasn't able to attend some of them. Actually, I've been invited to do a 5-day OJT to EAMC. It called so late that I won't be able to make it to the 7 AM duty tomorrow morning. I'd be betting the time and money that I have just for the sake of the slim chance of getting the position. I actually got advice on Reddit if I should go and continue the hiring process. However, someone messaged me that the position would be given to their contractual employees and their hiring process was just for formality. A lot of discouraging remarks and comments about government hospitals are being posted there saying we should have back ups or experience first. In the end, I didn't continue traveling that night.

I know some of you are saying that I should've tried it. If it doesn't work, at least I tried, right? In fact, my younger self would be mad at me for not giving it a shot. I would blame myself everyday for not trying. My what if's would definitely hunt me.

I'm losing my hope and I'm really clueless of what I am going to do now. It’s the Word of God that keeps me sane; it's His promises and love that I hold on to. I really believe, that if something's right for me— it will definitely come at the right time. It wouldn't feel rushed, it will come to me smoothly.

There are a lot of realizations that I've been pondering on. One of them is my dream of being a Doctor. I was able to let it out of my mind last year because of the financial struggles that we've encountered. I was determined to stay in my current field; I cried tho.

I cried the day I realized that maybe I needed to let go of that dream—maybe it wasn’t meant for me. But in letting it go, new dreams began to take shape. I dreamed of having a stable job. I wanted to get married and start a family. I wanted to be present, to travel, to live abroad, and to give back—especially to my parents, who are now growing older.

My mother told me that she wanted me to become a Doctor. I would be lying if I said that it didn't ignite the spark of me continuing to med school. The passion that I gained during my undergrad, all the side notes I wrote saying "Magiging doctor ka din" , the eagerness to treat and care for the poor, the drive to learn every disease and how to treat them. It all comes back to me now. I avoided it for a long time. In fact it came to the point where I avoid watching medical dramas.

So I made a pact with myself that I will carefully think of my decision to proceed to med school next year. I just need to get a job for now to earn and gain experience. I'm kinda scared tho :( What if that drive to be a Doctor will fade once I enter my job?

Anyway, every time I think of that, I always tell myself that if it's meant for me, it will find a way to reach me—it will keep on calling me.

Maybe God was teaching me right now to be still. His plans are always greater than mine. I pray for it every day; the right job and environment for me to thrive will surely come. This anxiety that I've been feeling will fade away soon. I will find my way and get back on track soon.

[sunrisesthings]

Flipping the Next Chapter

May 14, 2025

Hello world! I have a lot of drafts that I wasn't able to finish.Please bear with me if I wasn't able to post a correct timeline of my essays. I just wrote them based on how I feel right now.

Going back, I'm currently looking for a job right now--preferably outside my hometown. In fact I'm going to travel back to Manila for interviews in different hospitals. Honestly, I'm scared. There are a lot of things I'm scared of right now, but I really needed a job to help my parents most especially that my younger sister needed a lot of money for her course. I pray everyday that I would land a job that will have a healthy environment. I trust God that everything that's meant for me will not pass me by. I really hold on to that. Even if it's kinda blurry to me right now, what I wanted to do for the next years of my life, I find peace in knowing that everything will fall into their right places soon. I will meet different people, go to places I've never been, gain new perspectives, heal, upgrade my skills in my own field, and build the life I wanted since I was a kid.

Growing up, I never had a room of my own. A safe space where I can cry, dance, sing, read quietly --everything that I want. I never complain about it honestly, it was fun having my two younger sisters around me. However, I fantasize about having my own room every time I needed my time alone. I can't cry, every time I felt like crying, I waited for past midnight just to sob quietly. I wanted to have a space where I can read books quietly, I can cry or giggle about it.

I wanted my own apartment. A small kitchen near the window, I like to have a sunlit kitchen and bedroom--letting rays of sunrise/ sunset leaks through my window. I'll play songs of Radioheads, The smiths and Bleachers during sunrise while I cook my breakfast, songs of I don't like mirrors when it's raining, songs of Novo amor, Noah Kahan, The 1975 during sunset, and Cigarettes after sex and Hozier while I'm slowly dancing with someone.

I'll have my meal plans, go to grocery stores just to fill up my refrigerator with a bunch of hotdogs and eggs--also with baguio beans that I really like the most, tomatoes, Chinese cabbage, and chayote. I'll buy cartons of milk and bread with a bar of cheese that I will make during breakfast. I'll try to be healthy more by making my own drinks, like milk teas, cranberry and pineapple juice, a little bit of sodas probably hahaha. Also, my number one necessity --coffee. I'll buy a coffee maker, beans that I still have to grind, caramel and honey syrups.

I'll have my own room, it's okay if I have to sleep first only with a mattress on the floor. I'll have a small table where I can watch TV series while eating ramen. I'll put a comfy chair near my window with a night lamp just so I can read while having a nice view outside. I'll put mini Christmas lights only with a warm light on my walls, put pictures of my love ones around it. Have at least small indoor plants inside. I'll have small racks of my clothes, and a big human size mirror for my outfit checks.

I'll build a house of my own, free with slamming doors, shouts, hurtful words. I can cry whenever I want. I'll laugh weirdly, dance giddily. I'll invite my friends to come over and I'll cook for them. I'll have my own safe space where no one would hurt me, where I could be anyone I want and there's no judgement.

I pray for it everyday and with that, I'm not filled with anxiety of what will happen to me after leaving home because I know--God is with me. Everything has worked out for me and everything that comes will work out too! Even if it's kinda different from my plans, I will embrace it with a heart full of gratitude.

Welcome to the next chapter of my life?

[sunrisesthings]

Finally, going home for good.

February 3, 2025

Hello, it's been a while. I'm done with my review in Manila and I'm back home, back to my roots. 'Back to where I was supposed to be' my mom said. While waiting for the departure I reminisce all the memories I've gained from this big city.

Leaving home was the hardest thing for me 2 years ago. I remember crying for months because of the homesickness I've been feeling. I literally even got sick. Thankfully, my roommate who eventually became my best friend, Destiny makes it more bearable for me. We usually have these night outs where we just roam around the city at midnight or even at dawn. We drink coffee, share our sentiments, study, and most of the time, eating fries in McDonalds. I love waking up in the morning figuring things out by myself. What would be my meals today, my errands, the amount of clothes I need to wash. It's kinda tiring, I get really tired because of it. My everyday hospital duties and I need to do things on my own was really tiring.

However, as time passes by, even if I do get tired I come to like this idea of figuring things out on my own. I like how I figure out what I would like to eat, then I would suddenly crave for something that was needed to cook and ta-da there I was looking for some ingredients in the grocery store. I like searching for milktea shops and having that kaba moment where I would enter the first time to a shop then I'll order something that was new to me and later on that was the best drink (or worst) I've had for a while.

I like planning my day offs, what place should I visit and try. How can I get there and how can I go home without getting lost. The achievement and fulfillment I've felt when I figure out how to commute without booking some angkas or grab to go there or to even go home.

It was everything I wanted to feel. I feel like more of myself. I feel like, I have my own life in my hands when I succeed in doing things that I want, on my own.

Oh sure I have my failures, the sad agonizing days where I just wanted to go home and leave this all behind. The major heartbreak that makes me hate the city that I love dearly.

But on my last days in metro manila. I never thought I'd come to face my fear of being in those places again that I once loved. There I was, riding that angkas and going back to my favorite place in qc. I was being teary eyed not with the thought of missing someone I've been with on that exact place but I've come to meet the old me a year ago. The hopeful one, full of enthusiasm, and curiosity of what lies beneath. The sponty lover girl that I was, seeing beauty in places that witness the version of me that grows out after leaving her comfort zone.

You know I realize that nothing in this world will be temporary. Even if you thought you'll have it forever, you just never know when will be the last time you'll drink your favorite milktea, or visit your favorite place in the city, or worse see those people that you love.

I guess we should really live up with the quote "Treat each day like it's your last one". I used to pray for moments like this. I never appreciated it until it was gone.

As the airplane departs, I hope and pray that I'll be back again. More mature, more brave, and most probably, healed from all the heartbreaks and traumas that I experienced in this city.

[sunrisesthings]

grief as the year ends

December 31, 2024

It's the last day of the year. The last day of the year where you loved me. You're probably out there, loving someone new. Getting the love and peace that you crave for.

While I am here.

Weeping the last tears I hope I'll shed. Looking at these bunch of photographs of us and trying to remember the memories behind them. I can still picture it very well. It was after one of our dates. I'll never know it's going to be our last. Every picture , I keep saying to myself that I should've held you longer. I should've hugged you tighter. I should've told you that I love you many more times that day. But I couldn't. I didn't know, because all I know is that I have forever to do that.

But the only thing I have left now is grief.

They say grief is all the love you have for that person with no place to go. I don't know where to put it all and it hurts, so much.

I think I will always love you. I accepted it from the moment I let you go that I'm going to love you even if you're not mine to keep anymore, even if I'll see you already with someone else. Even if you forget about me and move on with your life. I'm afraid I'll never ever get over it.

In my head I was laying on your chest and hearing your heart beats. In my head, it was July and you told me you wanted to marry me. In my head, it's raining and you were laying down on our sofa and I'm watching you sleep peacefully. In my head you were still there.

But I open my eyes and all of it is gone. It seems that I was the easiest thing you can throw away. I was left discarded. No closures, no goodbyes, it just disappeared like it was nothing, like we were nothing.

So I wept tonight. Because even if we ended up bad, these photographs that I can't delete were proof that we're real. You loved me. Even for a short time you made me feel so happy and loved. I will always be grateful for that, for loving the little girl inside of me who wanted to be taken care of. For bringing out the side of me that wants to settle down.

Someday, I'll forget about you. Someday, your name won't hurt anymore. I'll forget about the rainy days, and the sofa where you used to sleep, and the way you smile. How you cook your pancit canton, how you get grumpy in the morning, how your hugs feels like cause maybe it's been 7 months since the last time I touch you but the feeling felt like It happened yesterday lang. Maybe someday I'll get over it on a random Tuesday the same day that you decided to not fight for me anymore .

Maybe.

But right now let me sit with it. Let me cry with it. Let me drown with these tears as I left this year where you loved me and I love you. Let me be with the version of myself that loved you.

I pray for you everyday. It was part of the deal.

I hope you get everything that you wanted in life, my love. And I hope I'll never hear a thing about it.

[sunrisesthings]

there's more into life

December 1, 2024

I'm doing better these days. Not the best, but better, which means my hope, and enthusiasm was slowly coming back. I cry less, I still cry but less. My heart was still heavy but I've come to hold it and be gentle with it until it feels less of a burden. I'm eating well. I can go outside and don't feel the need to go home and rot in bed all day. I can watch sunsets and hope for the better days to come.

For the past months I've met the saddest and broken version of me all because of loving someone. I didn't talk much about it because when I speak, there's a lump in my throat that urged me to cry. I never knew love until I met him. I never knew love until my heart got broken because of him. I was used to unrequited affection or happy crushes and unending flings without commitment because I know back then how heavy it would be if I committed to someone. I lost a part of myself trying to give the love he wanted. It was not his fault asking for a thing he knew he deserved. It's just that it cost me so much of my life that I tried so hard to build for the years I spent alone. The dream I built for myself, the carefree person that I was, the little girl who wants to go to different places. It was gone.

But the thing is, I never regret it. It was all I needed at that moment. I was not alone anymore. I have someone. Someone to call when I have a bad dream. Someone to tell how my day was, someone to share my meals with, and cook a food for. It was all I wanted. There's a version of me who's sitting there being the lover that I always imagined. I was ready to give up everything. He made me learn that in order for a relationship to work it should cost something. So I give, sometimes I fall short, and he did too but we forgive. We give even if it cost you so much because we hope that all of the things we sacrifice will soon be worth it.

Not until I realized that I was giving it to a wrong person. It takes time for me to digest it because I was so sure of him. I made a pact with myself that once I got committed I would be so sure he's the one. I guess I didn't made my walls higher after all. I stoop down to the lowest level of myself asking someone to give me the bare minimum and everytime I think about it, I wasn't angry at him but I was angry at myself. I wish I knew that doing that won't make him stay. I really need to learn the hard way.

When he left, I lost a part of me. They said that it didn't last that long so it would be easier for me to get rid of this feelings. But I knew, when I love, I love hard. I feel everything so deeply so I know it will take a while. On the other hand, he moved on and heard that he found someone else already. I knew we were different and maybe for him, I was just a phase, something that he will get rid of soon. But for me, it will leave a scar that no one can ever patch up. It will take months, or maybe years for me to open up again. I can't get mad at him for moving on so quickly because maybe he needed that, he needed to be loved and I wasn't just the one that he wanted.

I wasn't searching for a closure anymore. That's where I knew that, I'm slowly moving forward. I don't feel the need to see or talk to him again. I'm slowly coming into peace of letting go of the people that weren't meant for me. I still cry, but not with the reason that I miss him. It was the thought that even things are blurry right now, and it seems like the pain won't end, someday, I will come to know why it has to happen. Someday, in a better place, maybe 8 months or a year from now, everything will be different. All the pain will make sense and I'm holding onto that.

There's more into life than this. I lost a part of myself, but I gained a new version. There's a peace knowing that he will never meet this new version of me and there's a peace of not knowing anything about him anymore.

Someday, when love finds me again, I hope it won't be this painful. I hope it will stay. I hope it won't abandon me. Until then, I will cling to the hope that there will be better days where I would cry for such a relief that everything fall into their right places.

[sunrisesthings]

Sentiments on Sunday Morning

September 17, 2023

I woke up early in the morning. This is my first time since leaving home that I woke up early just to go out and take a walk. I guess I was too tired that evening so I managed to get my sleep at 8 pm as soon as I finished washing the plates. I have a bad dream again about my family. I usually experience this when I'm exhausted. I woke up at 5 AM exactly and suddenly I felt hungry so I decided to take a walk and go to McDonalds near us.

The moment I saw how the world lit up calms me. I miss this feeling. It's not the cold breeze that heals my anxiousness but the sun rays touching my skin. I feel so calm and the warm breeze eases my worries.

I noticed the environment around and got amazed at how these people have their own lives and own stories to tell. I saw the unfortunate ones and I feel bad. I often feel ungrateful that I'm not wealthy enough to buy things that I want but some people out there were just trying to survive each day, looking for a safe place to sleep, for food just to ease their hunger and sometimes I saw a whole family eating their breakfast, lunch, and dinner as one in the street and it breaks my heart on how this world can sometimes be cruel on people. I wish and I pray that someday, when the world decided to be kind, I hope they would shower those unfortunate ones with blessings first. And I will work harder to be an instrument to extend my help and give them the comfort that they deserve.

But right now I was busy working on my own because how can I give to others what I don't have? So I woke up, even if I'm tired, I woke up and thank God for giving me another chance to learn, grow and bring kindness to people around me.

And I thank my parents for giving me the life full of comfort even if they have to sacrifice their own. No money, or thing could replace their own sacrifice just to give me this life that I deserve and I will work hard even If I have to sacrifice too just to give them everything they work hard for.

These are my favorite reasons for staying alive.

To find joy in little things. To give comfort to everyone. To give a beautiful life for my family and myself, to live a life full of adventures, and die with no regrets.

[sunrisesthings]

Growing Pains

July 31, 2023

They said that, the moment you leave, nothing feels like home. Your soul began to wander, searching for it's way back but you know there will be no way back. Nostalgia hits so hard and all you can do was to look at the pictures of the past trying to recollect every memories just to feel at home again.

I'm looking at those pictures right now and I'm so glad I keep them. I'm so glad I got to experience them. I'm glad I met these people. Even if some of them weren't in my life anymore. Once upon a time, they were there, with me. Living. We weren't thinking of what the future holds. We're just there unsure of what's coming ahead but making sure everyday counts. Making memories, prints everywhere like we wanted the whole world to know that we're here, we're right here. Not thinking that this day will come. That we will grow up and not being able to see each other again.

Now, we're all leaving one by one and I'm scared that I will just be the one to remember everything. Do they know? How my love runs deep?

Do they know? How I remember every little thing about them? I remember things like how my friend's home feels like home. I still remember someone's favorite color. Remember how they laugh, how they get upset over something. I remember them being sad and an ice cream would make them feel better. I remember them saying words that I eventually adapted. I remember my friend's favorite food. I remember them wanting to be a lawyer, a teacher, a doctor, a flight attendant.

And sometimes it pains me that I forgot them and I try to remember but I can't so all I did was try to remember them little by little until the day came where their name was the only thing I can remember. I can't remember their smile, the way they laugh, the way they cry and the way their eyes met mine . But the feelings they never go away. Do they know how my love runs deep? That even after all this time, when our paths cross again, they will always feel like home.

I now knew why I wanted to go back to the past. Not because I wanted to change something but I wanted to experience it all over again. Because I'm scared of forgetting those moments. I'm scared of forgetting how being alive feels.

[sunrisesthings]

It's July, It's raining and I'm leaving soon.

July 25, 2023

I always say that my favorite weather is the rainy one. For 20 years, rainy days feel like comfort. The smell of beef noodles that my mother makes, the dumplings during afternoon the bamboo outside our house swaying.

Right now this feels like home. My comfort zone. Where everything feels so familiar and I can be anything that I wanted to be. I can lay down with my soft blanket and look outside my window.

But it will be over soon. I will be leaving soon and home will never feel the same anymore. Does growing up need to be this painful? I wish I could just close my eyes and stay in the middle because life happens too fast.

I would finally be those people that home became just a vacation. I will be in a place where no one feels familiar. I'm scared. I know from the beginning this is all I wanted. I wanted to leave this place. Find myself somewhere and grow outside my comfort zone. I will do it all alone. But the transition from being here to there brings a lot of my emotions.

The moment I ride the bus and say goodbye to my family and friends. The way I will cry and face the new beginnings. I'm never prepared for what's coming ahead of me and I'm scared but I knew I was meant to do this.

Do rainy days in the city feel the same as the countryside? I bet not. I will miss my Tita's soup or aroz caldo. I will miss the sound of the wind outside our house. The breeze of the air. I will miss my bonding with our cousins where we always watch scary movies. I will miss my spontaneous gala with friends. The bike rides, the coffee shop hopping, the birthday celebrations, gala nights.

It brings me so much comfort to think that I've experienced all this childhood stuff before growing apart. I can't believe childhood is over. I will spend my lifetime longing for it, and missing those moments.

I will miss you, and I'll see you soon.

[sunrisesthings]

Honey, It's alright.

May 1, 2023

Hello, May!

It's been a while. Actually I attempted to write a blog last month but Tumblr wasn't kind enough to me, It wasn't posted and I haven't saved any drafts of it.

Anyway, I've been struggling a lot these past few days. I've got rest days tho. It wasn't that nice but at least?

I spent much of my days sleeping and lying in my bed. I contracted the flu too. God I hate that part. I wasn't able to open my eyes and the whole day I was either sleeping or attending my online class.

Today, I can say that I've been productive since I was able to read my lessons again and make some transes. However, I manage to have a mental breakdown in between my breaks.

I talked about it with my very close friend (which I missed a lot. Hi gelic!) . After talking and telling her how I'm in so much pain right now, we ended up making fun of our situation and we reminisce about our past experiences and I burst out laughing. I miss her a lot and I wish we were able to meet again she's my free therapy. :(

I was able to collect myself again and start my readings. I can't help not to think about everything that's happening to me.

Every time I feel upset, I always disconnect myself. Tell people that I wish I would never meet them again and I realize how rude I am for being like that. It was the height of emotions that made me think of cutting myself with people that I love for years.

I saw my friend posting about her relationship. I'm happy that she finally met someone that would treat her the way she was supposed to be treated. I was also happy to see my friends being in love.

And I can't help myself to think about when will be my time?

Honestly, I can't think of anything right now regarding relationships. I admit I feel lonely a lot. I keep on questioning myself, am I not worth it to be loved?

I deserved it too. But I needed to learn how to love myself first. I can't be going around feeling insecure about myself just because people won't choose me.

I need to choose myself first. Because at the end of the day, even if the world fails me, I'll still have myself and that should be enough. 🥺

I've read a line from a book that I've been privately skimming in a bookstore and up until now , it lives up in my head.

It said that maybe the world was preparing me for someone out there, some person that was meant to find me and it will find me in the right time.

But perhaps I should prepare myself for the fact that such a person never existed never will be.

It's a cruel thing that in this lifetime, some people are just meant to be alone. However, even if I get old and love will never find me. I hope I'd be able to repay the love that my family and my friends gave me.

I hope the older version of me wasn't feeling too lonely. I hope she wasn't blaming herself and asking if she's unlovable because the bravest thing that she will do for herself is to leave from a table that won't serve her the love that she deserves.

[sunrisesthings]

Detached

April 5, 2023

You don't feel like home anymore.

We're at that age where we outgrow some people. People you thought were gonna be there for the rest of your life and it's really hard to let go. The memories, plans you have with them, the way they make you feel like you've never felt it with other people, all of it, makes it harder to let them go. I thought I would never find someone like that again so I cling to it hoping that one day, maybe when the time is right, this waiting would go somewhere. There must be this reason why, and that's enough for me to endure this. Like at the end of the road, we'll be able to talk about it again and somehow I'll be able to get the closure.

But I get it.

There are things that I need to let go inexplicably. Certain people doesn't feel home anymore. But despite of that, I really hope they get the dreams that they want even if I'm not part of it anymore.

I hope you get everything you've ever wanted and I hope I never hear a thing about it.

[sunrisesthings]

Fine Line

March 22, 2023

what is meant for you will come even through storms.

Hello, world! It's been a nice weekend. Haven't felt this peace for a while. As much as I love this peace, loneliness starts to embrace me. Then I realize that the only thing I did was to study and worry about my future these past few days. I feel empty right now and that familiar pain was slowly making its way to my brain altering my mood the whole day.

I cried again. I really thought I'm over it you know? But then it was because of my acad that I spent less of my time to deal with different kinds of emotions.

It's hard being this soft. People keep on asking me if I was really like this cause it will put me into a great pain if someone makes a fool of me. Sometimes I curse myself for being like this. But then, to see good things in life despite everything, to look for the goodness of people and to be able to find light in darkness, will always be a part of me that makes me survive.

The hope that one day, we'll be able to answer our why's and let go of what could've been. I hope the other universe of mine, the better one, got to have her happy ending. More braver, more love to receive and plans in life that were certainly achieved.

I hope the other universe of mine was able to get the boy that she likes. She was able to pursue her passion in arts. Go to manila, live on her own and be mentally stable. Never got the glimpse of medicine, and was able to save herself more time of living rather than spending her life studying for the life of other people.

How selfless I became in this universe was a bittersweet taste of reality. Sometimes I think part of me will always be lost with the possibility of running away from all of it but then I know deep inside, this is the version of me that became irreversible. I cannot go back, and the only way to escape is to close my eyes and be blinded by the pain of reality.

That's why I became kind cause even if the world wasn't kind to me I know i can make it bearable to someone. And even if there's no turning back in these black tunnel, I can still see little holes of colors inside it. Those are mundane moments that make me feel alive.

Eventually, I'll be a fine line. Maybe things weren't going to be easier but I'll be stronger. I'll be braver and in that way I would never compare myself to the thoughts of what could've been.

I never know the face of victory but I hope I meet it someday :)

[sunrisesthings]

Life Update: I'm trying

February 24, 2023

Hello, how are you? A lot of things happen and I cannot find time to write down my thoughts here. Honestly, February has a lot of downs than ups. I really can't figure how to say this but I better leave out the details on this blog about those. I'm so tired of telling people why my name wasn't on the list. They kept asking if I got screened out? Or how am I? I don't know what to say.

I didn't even know who to blame. I tried so hard last semester maybe not my best but I'm really trying you know? It's hard cause I know I deserve to be there too 🥺

But I keep asking myself who to blame. Maybe this time I'll put the blame on myself. I depend so much on that prof that I become complacent with that subject. It's partly my fault too and I wanted to forgive her even if my dreams of going to Manila were compromised. How I really wish I could study it more so that even if I give her a very low assessment score, it wasn't going to be a problem cause my grades were okay enough to pass the subject.

Anyway, I should be thankful that It was being adjusted already and hopefully I'll able to pass this semester:( My academic confidence was on its lowest point tho. I really hope i could gain it again cause these subjects really require my full attention.

On my other side of life, I feel confused and overwhelmed about certain things. People confuses me. I'm relapsing from the thing that I thought I was over with. I know I shouldn't but God really knows how I'm trying not to put meaning to everything for me not to fall for it again. I hate it when people were like this to me. I deserve a love that's not confusing, straightforward, no hesitations but full of bravery and genuineness.

I deserve someone new, someone that can give me stability and if I keep myself relapsing with that one person over and over again, I will drown with this endless situation of getting over it and falling again in one flinched.

I really hope for this to pass and I'm looking forward for someone new cause I think this time, I'm ready for a relationship that would last long. Not being a distraction but someone that will drive me to do my best, someone that will bring a different kind of happiness.

I really hope so.

[sunrisesthings]

Scott Street

January 7, 2023

I'm no longer a teen. It's just supposed to be a number, one year being added to you, but for us, it means growing up and leaving something behind, for some people it means having big decisions that could alter the rest of your life. Maybe it means turning the page of a chapter or closing the book. A year added but your environment changes. Some never got to be with their friends again and have their nice lunch together. Some just simply move out to another country and start to build their own life or worse, maybe some of them never got to turn 20.

I'm really scared of growing up. I get emotional thinking of my childhood days. I've got the best one :( and I hate having this long term memory where I remember parts of it. I remember crying because our school got cancelled in 2nd grade. I go home and give my parents my 10 pesos that they gave to me for my meryenda. I nearly cried, I really like going to school back then even if I was constantly being bullied.

I remember a lot of memories when I was a child and I often dream about them. I was at our old house lying comfortably on the floor with my mother watching TV while stacking up our clothes. I remember being fond of waking up early. The sound of chickens during dawn, my Lola was right outside sweeping the streets and the song from my father's radio. I remember the bakery that I was always tasked to buy bread for our breakfast. I just go directly on their kitchen and ask for 'bagong lutong mamon' and they gave me a newly bake mamon and we will eat it with hot coffee or hot choco. It became my childhood place back then. I also remembered them making my cake when I was 7? Or 10? But right now, that bakery is gone and the only way to have bread is to ride a bike (which is dangerous because our highway is prone to accidents) or commute.

I dreamt of those scenarios most of the time. My father told us that he often dreams of his childhood too and then I think that we'll spend the rest of our time in the future longing for our early days. I will never get over it. I'll always be missing my childhood and even teenage life.

And now I'm in my early 20's. The older I became, the more I became different. I wasn't that enthusiast 'seize the moment' 'the sky is a beautiful ' person anymore. I became busier with my studies for my future. I rarely go outside for fresh air. It's sad but I guess that's how life works. It will never be easy growing up. Life decisions weren't really that final and sometimes there will be moments where you are pushed to make a decision that can change your life forever, irreversible change without any chance to think about it. Sometimes things won't go as you planned. I learned to accept most of it, and some of it? I learned how to live with what ifs.

I'm scared, universe. There's still more right? All I know is that I need to treasure every moment because right now would be a memory that I'll be longing for in the future. I hope for a kinder sea, a braver version of myself in my 20s and a life full of summers.

Cheers for my early 20's, we're really getting old. 🍷

[sunrisesthings]

Closing Moments of December

December 25, 2022

Merry Christmas, world! I Hope we're all safe and happy. Maybe some of us are not okay right now and it's okay! Maybe some of us are just barely surviving this Christmas, patiently waiting for something, lonely or maybe struggling with the loss of love ones. I want you to know that, it's gonna be okay. Maybe not today, not in the new year or for the next few weeks, but I do think things will be okay. You'll be okay. We will be okay. Right now, I want you to take deep breaths and be gentle to yourself. You're gonna be fine, and I'm sending hugs with consent!!

It wasn't that "Merry" Christmas to me too. My grandmother was sick and I heard her say "tapusin na natin ang Christmas na'to" it was a double meaning phrase and my tita wasn't happy hearing it. I got scared.

I'm scared of how things might change for the next Christmas and New years. My little sister who's younger than me was preparing for her migration in Spain, so my mother took a lot of pictures of us while preparing the Noche Buena. She even said that if I happened to take my internship next year, two of my younger sisters were just the one to be left at home with. I guess adulting scares me the most knowing that my environment was slowly transitioning into something that was bigger and that means leaving something behind.

However, I don't want to dwell on the future that much. I learned a lot this year. I honestly don't know if it's a good year or a tough one. Honestly, it was a tough but fulfilling one. I learned a lot of things, learned how to ride a bike, confessed to someone I really like and ended up being hurt but still I managed to get over it finally after 4 years. I even got my first passport and ATM card. My academics was the most challenging one as I experience countless sleepless nights just to get a failing score from a test. But still, I'm here, trying my very best to conquer my studies and it's one of the bravest things I did this year.

I'm at my most peaceful days right now. I don't feel anything like disappointments, and loneliness. Even if my Christmas doesn't feel happy that much I know, it will get better.

Anyway, my birthday will be in the next few days and finally, I'm not a teen anymore!!

I couldn't be more excited about what was ahead of my early 20's. There's so much more into life that I look forward to! More people to be friends with and places to go to.

Closing moments of December were the best moments, the coldness of air, the laughter of every person I love, the get togethers and year end parties. I love everything about it. ✨

Let's get our bottles up and cheers for the best years to come! 🍷🍾