sunnysmemorydiary

[sunnysmemorydiary]

Laolao

In northern China, we called mom’s mom Laolao and dad’s mom Nainai to distinguish grandmas. Every time people ask me if I like Laolao more or Nainai more, I always say Laolao. Laolao is one of the most important witnesses of my childhood. Laolao was very optimistic and loved to laugh, which helped me become an optimistic person in my growing up. She was very patient with me, knew lots of stories even though she can not read. She was my best childhood playmate, she always played with me with no complaint. When I was in elementary school, when the teacher let us write which person I want to be in the future, I always said I want to be a person like Laolao, super optimistic, never complain and always laugh. She never let anything affect her mood. I always had lots of things I wanted to tell her, because she never judged me, she is the only elder family member I had no secret with.

When I went to middle school, Laolao went back to her hometown to spend her old life. She had two dogs, a cat and two hens in the yard. Every summer vacation I spend two weeks with her, playing with dogs and chasing hens in the yard. When I came back home, Laolao called my mom and said one of the hens would not lay anymore because of my day-to-day chasing, so she cooked chicken soup for herself. I will always remember that night because my mom was really mad at me. But Laolao laughed and said: “Thanks to my little granddaughter, she let me have a chance to try the delicious chicken soup.

Every year she made quilts and sweaters for me and my two cousins, she made me the last quilt at the year I went to UBC, and said: “Laolao is old, let me make this last quilt for you, you can sleep with it every night when you are far away from home, Laolao will always be with you.”

Laola was getting older day by day, and she had Alzheimer’s disease, remembered nobody and refused to get out of bed. I went to see her in the summer of 2019. Surprisingly, she recognized me at a glance. She dragged me aside mysteriously and whispered: “Do you know why I refused to get out of bed? Because I was afraid. I fell down last winter, that hurt. I will never leave bed.”

She passed away in the winter of 2019. My mom did not tell me because she thought I was really far away, and she did not want me to be sad about it. My cousin told me secretly. Instead of being angry with my mom, I really understand her. I lost a grandma, but for my mom, she lost her mom.    

[sunnysmemorydiary]

Love

#Me when I was 6

When I was a kid, I thought my parents did not love each other. Because of work, my dad came back home once a week. Every time he went back from work, he was super serious and impatient. If I did something wrong or did not do what he wanted, he suddenly became furious. I was terrified of my dad when I was a kid. I never saw him kiss or have any intimate moves. Due to my dad's absence, my mom did all the housework no matter how exhausted it was, and she never complained. All of this is due to our family's imbalance, and my dad and mom always fight when my dad is home. All of these made me afraid of marriage, and I knew nothing about love which also caused my father's estrangement. There is a theory that the absence of a dad in a family may cause teenagers to fall into "puppy love." In China, it is no exaggeration that people think the love before university belongs to "puppy love"; some parents even think the love before 26 is "puppy love." Due to my dad's absence during my growing up, there is no doubt that I was one of the "puppy love army," which further caused the alienation between my parents and me. Gradually, there were only quarrels and unhappiness in our family. All of these made me think that I should stay far away from my parents and study abroad. Now, here I am, staying in Canada, 9358 kilometers away from China, from my parents and never wanted to go home.

#My parents’ tourist photos

After one year I came to Canada, I fell in love with a guy. Because of the unhappy memories, I did not know how to get along with my boyfriend, only understand endless entanglement and unconditional obedience. This relationship erased all my unique character, and I never cared about myself. The moment I found out he was cheating on me was also when I found out I had been lost myself for a very long time. The failures and unhappiness of my life in Vancouver reminded me of how bad I treat my parents. Suddenly I couldn't stop my tears. After telling them what I've been through, they tried their best to comfort me and encourage me instead of accusing me. That is the first time I want to go home. Instead of pushing me to study, my mom supported me to have a break to adjust my mood. I went back home that summer, talked a lot with my mom, and I finally said the confusion in my heart for many years. "Mom, do you and my dad love each other?" My mom stopped what was in her hand and laughed, said: "Of course we are; you think me and your dad don't love each other?" "Yeah, because I see you guys fought, argued, and you seemed unhappy." "Although your dad works far from home, your dad and I are working hard for this family; that is the best proof of the love between us."  

[sunnysmemorydiary]

My grandpa

me when I was 4 years old

When I think about my grandpa, the first thing I remember is my ancestral house, which was built brick by brick by my grandpa. My dad always talked about the old days when they did not have their own house. The family of four squeezed into a 20-square-meter rental room with a shared kitchen and washroom. They lived with the owner, who was depressed and cautious. They were afraid if they did something wrong, they would be kicked out of the house. When my dad was 7 years old, my grandpa finally had enough money to build a home of their own. The place he designed and built became one of my childhood playgrounds. My grandpa loved birds. He had two birds in the cages under the fig tree he planted. He really enjoyed spending time with me, catching birds for me to see. And he always took me to town and farm markets and bought me snacks and toys. Every summer night, he sat with me in front of the gate and watched me play with other kids. He gave me the happiest childhood life by himself, without others' help.

My grandparents and my cousin.

However, I did not like him when I was a kid because of his baldness. When other people ask me when I will take my grandpa to see our new condo in town, I always answer never because he was bald, which is ugly. If he really wanted to know, he could only stay in the trunk when we took him to the condo. Everyone laughed when hearing what I said, including my grandpa. He must be sad when he listened to what I said, but he did not and never mad at me, still loved me the same. Due to the jealousy and bullying by other neighbours, my grandparents moved to a condo in town. Every spring festival, he sat with me in front of the windows, watching beautiful fireworks in the dark sky, guessing the following fireworks' colour. Years of depression due to others' bullying, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was 5 years old. My dad took him to seek medical advice, hoping there exists a medicine or a treatment that can fight cancer. Before he was hospitalized, he went to the condo my parents bought on their own. He was happy and really proud of his own son. Every time I went to the hospital to see him, he always smiled and talked to me, never showing his pain and unhappiness. Every time he told me he was much better and could be back home soon and planned things would do with me. But the truth was, he will never go back home. Maybe he thought I was too young to know death, or perhaps he never wanted to say goodbye to me. His death became my biggest regret. I was too young to understand affection and too young to protect my grandparents away from bullying. One night last year, I dreamt of him living in a beautiful house with breathtaking scenery. He asked me lots of questions. I talked to him for a very long time, but I woke up before I apologized to him because of what I said. After that night, I always wanted to dream of him again. I can express all my apologies to him instead of feeling regret all day doing nothing to remove it.