sunnyameliorate

[sunnyameliorate]

things i am missing

dancing in the rain alone. breathing in the clean air. having coldness hit your skin. inhaling water then gasping for air. how you can scream. cry. yell. and all the grief will wash off you and drift away.

calling friends outside school before lunch. walking towards our cars, catching up on our weeks, telling each other about the tests we had, laughing loudly.

late nights in the school theatre. laughter that can’t stop. singing and dancing across the stage. hugging every chance we get simply because we can.

i miss the cafes where we’d talk for hours, getting no work done, sharing music, exchanging our food, and passing notes. how they would welcome us back each time we came.

i miss the hallways that were always a chaotic good, screams bouncing off walls. grins through the walls of people. laughter and conversations drifting through the halls.

i miss mornings in the library that smell like old books and coffee. the polite smiles that came with it. the simple bustle to return books. the fragile detailing of every carved statue.

i miss flipping through pages of notes to find an answer. how the paper is worn out and torn.

late night car rides with music blaring. screaming every lyric. putting hands and heads out of the window. the air brushing off all the anger. for a moment you are flying. for a moment, you can’t breathe, but it makes you feel more alive.

watching stars at 12am with my closest friends. how lucky we were to leave school in the middle of the week to teach in the mountains. the cool air that comes when you’re surrounded by darkness. no concept of time. just stars.

the luxury of hand holding and kissing and hugging without fear. the warmth that came with it all.

but there are things i now know,

to never be the first to let go from a hug. because every second more i could have spent in your arms i would have.

to take as many photos as i can from now on. videos of my friends laughing. photos of things i find pretty. document as much of my life as i want to without fear.

to say yes to as many things as i can. to try new experiences just because i am able to.

right now it’s hard. we’re forced into constant states of reflection. but my god, the love that will come out of this. the gratitude. the mindfulness. it will have been worth it.

[sunnyameliorate]

AMELIORATE (v.) to make something bad better.

my life has been a series of unfortunate events and really terrible luck. i have been broken and shattered many times. but i’ve very slowly learned to love again.

it’s hard and seems impossible. but hopefully i can spread some of my joy into the world.

so here’s to turning the page, beginning a new chapter, and starting over. here’s to love after pain. growth from being burned down.