sunlovemoon

[sunlovemoon]

last day

[sunlovemoon]

[sunlovemoon]

the loop

the day begins heavily with a kind of drowning, the sun is rising i open my eyes, trying to get up but nothing moves inside me. the air is thick, pressing down like it knows the parts of me that are already breaking. i reach for something—anything to anchor myself but my hands come back empty. every step i take feels borrowed like the earth beneath me is a kindness i don’t deserve. i tell myself to hold on but even the words feel hollow, echoing back a truth i can’t face that nothing is getting better...

by night the ache has spread, threading itself through my chest, my throat, my mind. i sit in the dark staring at the walls wishing they’d close in and end it for me. i try to cry but the tears don’t come and the silence grows louder, filling the room with the weight of everything i can’t say. i think about calling for help but who would listen? the loop swallows me whole every day, the same hollow ache, the same endless descent into myself i can't seem to escape.

[sunlovemoon]

i will disappear..

i will disappear as the sun does in winters-

slowly, unnoticed, swallowed by the gray

the sky won’t cry for me; it never has, it’s learned to let me slip through its fingers like everyone else has, like i’ve always let myself. i'm the wreckage of too many battles fought with words sharper than knives with hands that claimed to love but only knew how to hurt, each scar is a testament to a war i didn’t choose but couldn’t escape. the screams still echo in my head like they’ve carved themselves into me. i’ve forgotten what it feels like to breathe without the weight of it crushing my chest...

the nights stretch endlessly like a void where memories crawl out like shadows with claws, dragging me back to every bruise every broken moment i swore i'd forget. i’ve tried to bleed it out, tried to let the pain escape through lines i carve into my skin but it never leaves, it only settles deeper- a poison i can’t purge a voice that always whispers "you deserve this"...

i don’t cry anymore the tears dried up years ago leaving only the dull ache of emptiness a hollow i can’t fill no matter how hard i try, sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to stop fighting, to just let go, to let the darkness take me whole and finally drown in the silence...

would it hurt less than this?

would anyone even notice?

but even in my darkest moments the guilt is louder than the pain, the thought of leaving feels like betrayal even though i was the one betrayed first. so i stay, trapped in this cycle where i'm too broken to live, too afraid to die but one day, i will disappear

not in fire or fury but like a shadow

fading into a night sky that has never known my name

and when i’m gone

the world will go on

as if i was never here.

[sunlovemoon]

It's my 3 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

lmao

[sunlovemoon]

best this i read today day made

[sunlovemoon]

the winter sun is so beautiful, it's warmth feels gentle, like a fleeting touch of comfort.

[sunlovemoon]

i see blood on every rose petal

it turns black as i touch it

unfortunately the rumours were true

i’m cursed

the moon hides its face when i gaze up

every mirror cracks when i come near

the wind whispers secrets i can't unhear

trees twisting their roots to avoid my steps

the lakes dries themselves when i lean into it

will there ever be a dawn for me,

or am i doomed to haunt the night?

[sunlovemoon]

2:30 am friday 20 december 2024

i have been listening to love songs and reading love poetry, watching couples reels still im not feeling anything for anyone, maybe i've fallen out of love, maybe my sadness is greater than my love maybe i don't have love, i have never been romantically interested in anyone, i had crush on this person they kinda broke me again and again so i forgot they existed, i am not even feeling the grief of lost love maybe i have really fallen out of love i feel so pathetic for not being in love with anyone, i don't miss anyone i have become a statue, i have become emotionless maybe i am becoming a robot, im not liking it i want to be in love with someone, i want to feel things, im literally listening to my favourite love songs rn without feeling anything, maybe i neee to read a book or watch a movie i feel so worthless im so sad wtf

[sunlovemoon]

my biggest fear is losing my diaries

[sunlovemoon]

NO WAR

Moon and Venus (Dec. 4, 2024)

[sunlovemoon]

going to give myself a big scar so i can remember how worse my 19th birthday went

[sunlovemoon]

can you sense my thoughts, our foreheads joined, lines and tiny details of our skin merging as if we were always meant to fit?

how did we get here, so close i feel your warmth sinking into me, our skin igniting like a slow tender flame feels as if it was always ours?

[sunlovemoon]

today marks the four years since october 20, 2020, the day i was separated from my family—the ones who named me, held me first, raised me, and loved me unconditionally. every day since has felt like carrying the weight of an unfinished story, a piece of my soul that wandered away but never stopped aching to return. not a day goes by that i don't feel the emptiness they left behind, like a part of me is missing, floating somewhere out of reach. i miss their voices, their embrace, and the small, everyday moments that made life feel whole. though time passes, the longing remains as fresh as ever, and i pray with every breath that one day, Insha’Allah, i’ll be reunited with them. Ameen. until that day, i hold them in my heart, whispering silent prayers for our reunion, believing that love will guide us back to each other, no matter how far apart we are now. hope is the thread i hold onto, knowing love never fades, no matter the distance or time.

[sunlovemoon]

i brutally slaughter each fragmented version of myself, then cradle the shattered pieces in my loving arms. i whisper gentle reassurances that only echoes within my hollow soul. i tenderly hold my fractured head, rocking myself in a desperate attempt to soothe the anguish. ‘it's for your own good,’ i lie, trying to convince the shattered remnants of my being. ’i'll rise from these ashes, reborn for you, like a pheonix’ tears stream down my face as i chant the mantra, the words feel like ash on my tongue but i cling to them: it will be okay... somehow, someway...

[sunlovemoon]

all good things exist in a pair, your beautiful eyes, your heart and soul, your soft lips, that pair of ceramic cups in your kitchen, your pair of bangles, every beautiful thing exists in a pair like sun and moon, you and me

[sunlovemoon]

i have been losing friends and going insane