sun-song-one

[sun-song-one]

relapsing cabin fever

My alarm rings twice and I decide to get up after the second one. Then I go to my parents' room - which is often my workspace at home - and turn on the air conditioner so that it gets cold inside the room. I go downstairs and make breakfast, which is usually no more than two hotdogs, or a few sausages, or an egg (scrambled or hard boiled), or a single piece of toast. I never feel hungry when I wake up, just thirsty. Sometimes a whole glass of cold water already counts as breakfast.

I go back upstairs with my breakfast and open my laptop. Sometimes, if I'm in the mood, I'd get started on a task right away and find myself eating lunch later than usual. Other times - most of the time - I don't find myself in the right headspace to do anything, so I listen to music or watch the most recently uploaded video of any of the YouTubers I'm subscribed to, as I eat breakfast. Eating sometimes doesn't seem to do the trick either, so I keep watching video after video until I realize it's time for lunch. And then I realize I got nothing done for 3 hours.

I go downstairs again to get lunch. This is the part of the day I eat the most. It's a different viand every day, so I usually have that plus half a cup of rice. If I'm not too fond of the viand, I pour myself iced tea or a zero-calorie soda (I prefer Pepsi Max). I go back upstairs and continue whatever it was that I was doing, but now with another meal.

After lunch, I go downstairs to clean the dishes, and turn on the water tank pump so I can shower. I used to listen to music all the time in the shower, but most days I wanna be alone with my thoughts. So I brush my teeth, put conditioner on my hair every other day (shampoo on other days), soap my body, dry myself up. I go back to my parents' bedroom and finally start working.

If I get engrossed in a task, I usually have merienda late. But sometimes I just couldn't get myself to do more than the bare minimum. I'd have coffee sometimes, but this one particular pack makes me shake, although it keeps me up.

Merienda time comes at around 4pm. We would order some fast food sometimes, but if not, I'd cook whatever I find downstairs. We have a shit ton of noodles, but I don't really crave for any of them. Except Yakisoba Spicy Beef. I like that with yet another zero-calorie soda. After I get my food, I go back upstairs and watch more YouTube videos. When I finish, I go downstairs to wash the dishes I used, then go back upstairs.

The slowest part of the day might be sunset. The realization that another day went by dawns on me as the sky turns darker. I'd stop working at this point, and find myself with nothing to do. Actually, there's a lot of things that I could do. But during this time, I could never find the energy to do any of them. Not even watch YouTube videos, which is my default activity at this point. Sunsets have never drained the energy out of me until I've stayed at home long enough.

Most of the time, I would find enough energy back later in the night to do whatever I wanted on the Internet, until I realize it's almost midnight and it's time to go to bed. If I had anything I wanted to talk about, I would write about it in my journal. Otherwise, it's last few minutes of scrolling on my phone until I find that I want to close my eyes.

If my eyes don't feel like closing, I sometimes think about how weird it is that I eventually doze off, have a dream, and then interrupt that dream by waking up. The thought alone actually makes me fall asleep. Then I see myself in vivid settings that don't make sense, but it doesn't matter and I go through it.

Sometimes I'd wake up and it's still dark. I wake up to my brother just entering the room, or beside me using his phone. My eyes are tired and sleepy, but for what seem like a few hours, I find it difficult to shut them and go back to sleep.

But I do actually go back to sleep. And I know this because the first alarm of the day goes off eventually. And I do this all over again.

[sun-song-one]

[photo: 12/6/2016]

In college, when class ended early, I had free time, and it wasn't the rush hour yet, I sometimes took the long way home.

To get home, I usually just had to ride 1 FX/jeep/bus along Commonwealth (and then one tricycle ride when I hop off). But there were times that I would ride a Katip jeep until Aurora Boulevard, walk to Katipunan station and ride the LRT2, get off at Cubao station, walk through Gateway and Farmers Plaza to get to the Cubao station of MRT, ride until North Avenue station, and ride an FX at the Trinoma terminal.

Thinking about it, even if I did have the time, the extra rides seemed unnecessary. Why did I want to pay for 3 more fares? I don't know, but I never found them wasteful.

It's not like they opened me to new or life-changing experiences, but I became familiar with LRT2/MRT routes, even though I never worked outside of QC. I also loved the walking around Gateway/Farmers Plaza/Trinoma, how nice LRT-2 stations are, the unusual amount of space in the MRT during off hours, and the reward of a sweet front seat in the FX ride home. Not all of those were relaxing, but it helped me unwind.

Enjoying commutes (when it's not rush hour lol) and planning routes may be my One Weird Thing. And I don't remember the last time I did that, or the next time I'd get to do it again. But those more lowkey college memories felt so nice, they're on par with hella fun meals/drinks/sleepovers with friends.

My Beep card expired last month too. I'd have to get a new one next time.

[sun-song-one]

12/31/2020 19:41

A pic from Ode To You on February 8, 2020, one of the very few significant and happily memorable events in my life this year.

(Yes, I had beer over lunch before a concert. What of it?)

The beginning of 2020 feels so fresh, I'm surprised it wasn't yesterday. When the year began, I was playing Pokemon Shield, a game I got for Christmas. Aside from the fact that I wanted to quit Kpop after what happened to Red Velvet Wendy, it was all Gucci.

The beginning of a new year is always promising and exciting. Everyone has things they look forward to. For me, it was visiting Canada, seeing Seventeen in concert (again!), the possibility of seeing Red Velvet (but without my bias :( ), and going on trips with my friends. There are a lot more of course, but those stood out the most.

Only one out of the four happened. It's pretty easy to guess which one.

No one expected a global pandemic to hit so hard, or at all. No one wished, even on their worst enemy (I hope), week after week of bad news, a sudden loss, or in the quietest moments, dark thoughts out of nowhere. No one wanted to not see most of their loved ones for months (thankfully I live with my family), and not know the next time they'd be able to see each other again. Yet this was the stuff of the year. At least for me.

This is no doubt the worst year of my life so far. At a certain point, staying at home turned into an awful case of cabin fever, especially since it's against my will. And then the constant barrage of being in the Philippines dogpiled on my already troubled mind.

But somehow, I made it. And I'm lucky to still have things to be thankful for. Even in a year of the unexpected, some things still took me aback, and in a good way. That counts for something.

(Oh, and I lost weight. Like 8 pounds.)

Weirdly, the most important thing I've learned this year is that the pain never really goes away. Shit happens every day, or every other day, and most of the time we never really choose it. I know I didn't, most of the time. But that's life, right? The work is in fighting the good fight. Happiness really is a luxury.

Well, in any case, I'm still here. And you're still here. Despite the losses we rightfully mourn, we still managed to survive a hellish leap year. That's at least something to be happy about.

Next year, we'll try again.

[sun-song-one]

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

I'm shorter than most people I know, but believe it or not, when I was younger, I was tall and awkward. Now that my growth has stunted somehow, I don't mind. Being small allows me to be completely enveloped by someone (yes, that’s important to me).

What else... well, I get hairfall every day, but my hair is still as thick as it can get. It also has some kind of brown hue that I wasn't sure how I got, as I've never coloured my hair, but it's there. I'm also the right kind of brown - not too dark, but also not at all pale. I guess I also have soft cheeks? Also, my teeth are great! Those 4 years of braces definitely paid off!

I like how my new glasses fit me. I also like how I have relatively clear skin. I like that my thighs are t h i c c, and I never seem to bother much about not having a thigh gap.

[sun-song-one]

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

LMAO rising from my previous post, I do have several things I’m proud of. Though, the thing I’m proudest of might seem to pale in comparison to several others. Proud, nonetheless.

In the years I spent in uni, I’ve become increasingly humble. I used to think I was the shit. I had high expectations for myself, and I was always looking for affirmation. I’ve spent the last few years eradicating that mindset, but maybe it’ll always be a part of me.

Anyway, I’m proud of myself for being proud of others. It makes me happy seeing someone accomplish something in their life, knowing how turbulent their journey has been. At least the one thing I don’t have are frequent hardships I didn’t ask for, which is one thing to be grateful about, I guess.

But, I don’t know. Being proud of others is an achievement in itself. It means I can strive to become a better person. And it means I can be a part of someone’s support system, even when they don’t need me to be.

[sun-song-one]

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

Cool, my favourite topic!

I guess I’ve been really insecure about my abilities. I’ll be lengthy about this, because this one insecurity has been eating at me since I got out of high school.

During the early months of my life in university, I thought highly of myself. I had enormous ambitions - going on exchange, graduating summa cum laude, hell, even becoming chairperson of our college council. (It’s funny where I ended up now!)

Now, I didn’t achieve any of those I mentioned, even though I haven’t graduated yet, but I don’t have the time to catch up on that. Yes, even fucking cum laude, I would have to give up everything else in my life except my academics to attain that.

But when I think about it, I’m happy where I am now. I have more electives left than majors. I’m still thinking about going elsewhere to pursue a post-graduate degree. I’m gonna graduate on time (given I pass all my classes this semester). I’m an executive in the organization I’ve loved the most and considered my family. I have a support system, my friends and family, to lift me up. Objectively, not bad for someone like me!

It’s just... I guess... I could’ve done more. It’s that effect that uni gave me, because I’m surrounded with such talented, skilled people. I get frustrated about how mediocre I'm trying not to be.

I look at all my friends who have achieved in a variety of ways. Some of my friends have been really helpful in my classes, because they understand the subject quicker and better than I do. Others have been developing their skills in the industry, while others have proved themselves to be great leaders. The way I see it, it’s natural to them. Either it’s innate, or they’re finally reaping the fruits of their labor. In any case, I’m proud of them.

I can’t feel that about myself. I don’t know a particular thing I’ve worked extremely hard for, or something that I’m just naturally good at. I second-guess myself all the time. I can only count in one hand the people who’ve told me I’ve inspired them, but I can’t even remember how.

I’m trying my best, though. But sometimes it just doesn’t cut it.

[sun-song-one]

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

My worst birthday would be my 14th. That started out on a good note. But my friend got upset at me for... something. I honestly couldn’t remember. I also wasn’t sure if she was genuinely upset, or she just wanted to make me feel shitty on my birthday. I don’t know.

The day ended well, anyway.

[sun-song-one]

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

A quick fun fact about celebrating my birthday: they weren't entirely shitty, but not spectacular either. They usually fell on a school day, so I'd have to do the usual, with some extra treats if I'm lucky. Other than my 18th and 20th birthdays, they aren't much.

I consider my 20th birthday the best one I've had. I decided to invite both my high school and my college friends and treat them to drinks and karaoke at a bistro near home. Though it was only later during the night that both groups coincided, it was a lot of fun. One of my friends told me that was the drunkest he ever got - and he's allergic to alcohol.

The better part of this day was when I took about 30 of my friends home, where they could spend the night. ALL of them. Bless my family for letting this one thing happen. We walked from the bistro to home: it was literally a procession of drunk college kids. At home, it was quieter and on some level more intimate, as everyone was already sobering up. Most of us had breakfast together, though some did leave early.

I don't know if I'll ever throw a party like this in the future. Maybe I will.

To add, my 18th is my second best birthday. I only invited my high school friends (so, all girls!) and I had everyone talk about me, at a time where I really liked being validated as a person. It was also more intimate and there was no alcohol yet, and a sleepover followed after that.

[sun-song-one]

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I regret not befriending this girl early on in freshman year of high school. It's not such a big regret, but I feel like that time of my life would've gone better had I done things differently.

It was the summer before high school. I was starting to become who I am now and I met a lot of people on Tumblr (mostly girls my age who are into bands, memes, and Glee, and are also from various all-girls schools). One of them was a girl who went to my school; she was a senior when I was a freshman. I'll refer to her as T. T and I weren't friends at that time and we had no interaction that summer, but I read her blog. To this day she's the smartest, funniest, most interesting person I know. I can't think of a character to compare her to; she's that unique! She makes everything sound interesting, even the mundane ones (and she talks about almost everything. Almost.)

So yes, T went to my high school. In freshman year I had a crush (not T), and though I didn't want to be in a relationship, I was just really keen on being super special to them. I spent a lot of time impressing them, talking to them, etc., and I realize now that though it made me feel good then, most of it was wasteful. I wish I would've invested my time befriending T, whom I share my interests with. I don't even talk to that crush anymore.

T and I met for real a month before freshman year ended, so at least I had that time to interact with her personally. She graduated and moved out, which sucks, therefore inciting this regret. But we follow each other on social media, and we've seen each other once since she left. She even gave me advice on multiple occasions during my later years in high school. So though we're not close friends, we're not at all estranged. I'm cool with that and I'm super thankful.

But had I befriended her earlier, maybe most of freshman year wouldn't have been so dull.

[sun-song-one]

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

You might notice there’s no #2. I skipped “Talk about your first kiss”, because I don’t have a first kiss yet and so will have nothing to talk about.

Although I have already participated in a Pocky game twice, I don’t count that. It’s a smack on the lips, not a kiss.

Anyway, onto the actual prompt.

My most intense feelings were for a girl I liked almost throughout high school. I was a sophomore and she was older than me, but young enough to be in my generation. She's kind, gentle, sweet, caring, so down-to-earth. Also, she was really popular. I would be shocked if I ever found out anyone hated her.

She was also the person I ever liked the longest. She was the first to ever make me feel that, holy shit, I want to be with her. Sadly that didn't happen, and all for a good reason. She does know I like her, as I've told her many different times. Bless her for not judging me.

I don't feel like going into the details, because lots of things happen in four and a half years. The ones I spent while in high school were some of the more intense moments of my life. I wasn't proud of being a wreck, but that time did help me become more intelligent emotionally.

How did it all end? The emotional rollercoaster persisted well within my freshman year in college, but at one point I just said "fuck it" and told her I loved her (also making her the first person I ever admitted to loving). She was actually bothered by my confession, but fortunately all that mattered to me was the closure.

I didn't move on until more than a year later, when I discovered she was already in a relationship with a guy. I was initially shocked, but as time went on I became grateful that happened and I could finally get over it. I was a bit scared for a time because I could one day realize I was lying to myself about being happy for her and all my pent-up feelings come crashing (which has happened numerous times before), but I was past that phase, and I was already happy with my object of affection, so all was well.

I did many cringeworthy things, but they were vital to how well I can deal with my feelings, so I'm super thankful for her.

[sun-song-one]

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

It’s funny how I have a lot of favourite movies, but for this I’m gonna talk about Pitch Perfect, because that was fun.

It was Christmas Break 2012. I have had a particularly dull, occasionally interesting, often emotional year. And what better way to end it than dream about getting into a chorale group once I get to college?

(Spoiler alert: I didn’t. I signed up for an audition once but never showed up. Another time I actually did audition for a choir in my org, but they weren’t looking for new girls, so I didn’t get it. I have one more year though, so let’s see how that turns out.)

I digress.

I spent most of that break at home all day because I couldn’t get anywhere without someone driving me around, so I decided to watch my movie backlog. For some reason I had What To Expect When You’re Expecting, so I watched that. Anna Kendrick was on it, by the way, but her story line was exceptionally sad. Then I remembered, hey, she had that new movie, and I have it on my computer. Why not wash away the sadness rubbed on me by this how-to book-turned-movie for some reason I can’t pinpoint?

And yes, as you can tell, I was not at all disappointed. I loved every bit of the film. So much that as aforementioned, I actually considered joining a choir in college. That movie became the bulk of my Christmas break, and I can say that I literally watched that movie every single day. At that point I knew the entire movie, even the lines in the gag reel. The gag reel! It was wild. Bomi and I chatted every day on Facebook and that was all we ever talked about.

Pitch Perfect changed my life. Who knew?

[sun-song-one]

40 day.

It’s ridiculous how there are less than a hundred entries on this blog, but I’m running out of prompts. When I think of something to write, I start writing it, but as time progresses I lose my train of thought and abandon writing.

I’ve never had a 30 day (in this case, 40) challenge in a long time, so I think I’ll do one.

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. 2: Talk about your first kiss. 3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. 4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far. 5: Talk about the best birthday you've had. 6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had. 7: Talk about your biggest insecurity. 8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. 9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. 10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. 11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. 12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. 13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. 14: Talk about a vacation. 15: Talk about the time you were most content in life. 16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. 18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school. 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school. 20: Talk about something that happened in high school. 21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. 22: Talk about your worst fear. 23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. 25: Talk about an ex-best friend. 26: Talk about things you do when you're sick. 27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. 28: Talk about your fetishes. 29: Talk about what turns you on. 30: Talk about what turns you off. 31: Talk about what you think death is like. 32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. 33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. 34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. 35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. 36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. 37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. 38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. 39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. 40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

[sun-song-one]

Rearrange

I wish that happened before we went to Japan. I don’t think about it as much now, but being the overthinker that I am, I still picture a bunch of things that might happen in the distant future.

BUT, if I had left home 15 minutes earlier that day, I would never be feeling so shitty. Honestly. I was already awake two hours earlier, why didn’t I get a head start on my day sooner?

I know these things happen and they make you a better person, and it was the right thing. Am I thankful it happened? Am I glad?

Shit. I don’t know.

I wanna go back to Japan in the reality that nothing’s wrong and I’m not beating myself up.

[sun-song-one]

For now.

Peace and quiet.

This is probably induced by the fact that I'm in my go-to coffee shop, while it's gloomy and rainy outside. I'd like to think that it is.

I'd be lying if I said the last 5 months were a blur. Although, now that I've said it, there's some truth to that. It's been a difficult semester, and though I say that of every semester, this one was different.

I no longer feel the need to narrate every little thing that made me say such, but I am relieved that it's over. Somehow. I've had my share of shitty days that seemed so endless. Every predicament was like that. When one ends, apparently it doesn't. And when it does end, a new one - perhaps worse - comes along.

Maybe I'll have more days like these. Days that a once regular word, phrase, or object becomes a small trigger. Days that I feel like would never happen if I had just altered my seemingly trivial choices a little bit.

But there will be days like today: sitting in a coffee shop on a rainy day, not thinking about anything else but the welcome dinner on my first day of internship. There will be days like the ones we spent in Japan: riding in a train, walking on the streets, exploring an entirely different culture. There will be days where I drink with my friends, laugh at/with them, cry with them.

These days won't drive away the pain I inflicted on myself, but they will make it a bit more bearable.

Peaceful days. Quiet days. Or at least, afternoons. Rainy afternoons. Afternoons like now. At least, for now.

Days like today.

[sun-song-one]

Litmas 2016

Christmas season whizzed past this time around.

Technically, it always does. But I honestly think the wait for the last one was quicker than I expected. Part of the reason might be because I ended my semester much later: I submitted my last requirement on the 19th, and the past few Christmas breaks I spent while in college started between the 10th and 15th. When finals week was going on I can't even count how many times I've said "When is this going to end???", and now that it has I'm still taken aback.

Still, Christmas 2016 was witness to the most fun I've had in recent holidays. We do the same thing we do on the last 10 days of the year: go to Makati to watch a movie then pick up my mom from work and have dinner, Christmas with my dad's side, and an out-of-town thing. And on days when I'm at home, we do our own thing. Yet that routine spiced up a bit this year.

The day at Makati went on as it always would. We watched Moana (which was super nice - and even more empowering given that the characters hit close to home on so many levels), then had dinner at Zuni which is this fancy French place at Greenbelt. Not much there, but it was a great time to get off my chair after not leaving the house since the semester actually ended.

Christmas lunch went as usual, but we visited my great-aunt at the convent, something I don't recall we did in the past few years. The sisters were nice and fun, and they served some puto seko which sparked a memory in my dad LOL.

After that, my mom and I watched Ang Babae sa Septic Tank 2 at SM Fairview!!! First of all, this is the first time I ever watched a movie from MMFF. I never found interest in the previous lineups, and seeing this positive change was great.

Second, it was the first time we did anything else on Christmas day. In the last years, I end up sleeping for the rest of the afternoon after our family reunion. Not that festive, really. The abundance of other things to do really just gave more life to an otherwise another boring 25th of December.

For our out of town, we went to Baguio! I've always wondered how cold it is in December, and I had my questions answered! The air isn't at all chilly in daylight; it honestly feels like walking around the UP Acad Oval (where a fresh, cool breeze blows all the time). It's really at night when the temperature dropped. Fortunately for me, I got to really experience that at the Manor while waiting for the light show LOL.

There was also some relatively heavy traffic in Baguio. I can't compare it from when I was a kid because I didn't care so much for traffic then, but man has it really become a city. There's so much to do, but there's also so much... people. SO many people were in Baguio the same time we were. Honestly we just added to their Christmas influx of tourists.

(I'll make a separate post for Baguio, so I'm not gonna talk about the trip too much.)

The road trip was great. I've gone through a whole semester without having one (well, with the family anyway). It's refreshing to get out of the bustle of Manila and sink into the bustle of Baguio, which is at least 2 tiers quieter. Also, we got to watch Die Beautiful! It rained on our second day so we couldn't go strawberry picking. For once, thanks SM Baguio!

So, apart from having dates with my friends, that's how I spent my Christmas break/sembreak. I still have one week left and like two semstarter parties. I now feel the looming frustration of the incoming semester, so this break between the previous and the next has been a great breathing room.

A very belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ya!!!

[sun-song-one]

transit

(I made the length of this post analogous to how long I've been travelling the entire day.)

Ever since I started using public transportation to get where I want, I couldn't get enough of it. I understand why it wears people out so much, I really do. But I insist on the long way anyway. To the average person, getting on more rides than necessary is a waste of money(like, you take the train when you can take a jeep which is a hell lot cheaper). Not to me. I'm always looking for adventure, even in the city.

Today, though, would probably be the most that I've commuted in my life ever.

The scenario is this: my groupmates for a major have to meet up with a client. The client has an option to go to UP instead, but we've met them before and we've done that, so now we want to travel to their area. But, after that meeting, I will have to head to a small theater in Mandaluyong to watch this film I've always wanted to for so long.

The first part is easy, because this mode is what I ride every day to school. My classmates and I met up at UP so we can go together. Only then did we decide to take the LRT-2 instead of a taxi (the estimated cost, time- and money-wise, is relatively more convenient; also because I REALLY love riding trains - the MRT-7 is going to be a party). We rode a jeep from Katipunan that ends at Aurora Boulevard, and I then discovered that there's a nearer entrance to the LRT-2 Katipunan station without having to cross so much.

We rode the LRT-2 and got off at Betty Go Belmonte, the farthest station I've reached in the LRT-2. I only usually get off at Cubao, and I once went there supposedly for a paper, but the exhibit was closed so I bought banana milk to make the trip worthwhile. Anyway, from the station we rode a tricycle to our client's place, which is, believe it or not, the Diocese of Cubao.

The meeting went well, but honestly that's all irrelevant, lol.

From the church I rode a jeep to MRT. It's funny because I asked so many people how to get to MRT from the church. Anyway, it took a lot of walking but the place was already quite familiar, so I did not get lost. Oddly enough, the lines were long at the platform. I expected it to be a lot shorter given that it's lunch time and not a lot of people would get on the train at this hour. But I don't ride this all the time, so.

I got off at Shaw. The station made me cringe a little. The last time I was there, it was 7pm on a Tuesday, and my dad and I had agreed to meet up at GMA Kamuning so I can hitch a ride home. But my phone was struggling on 1% battery and I have like, zero load. The real commute nightmare. But that's for another time.

I already had a map, but I still got off on the wrong side of the Shaw-EDSA intersection. I knew something was wrong when the place suddenly looked upscale, when I thought that where I'm headed is a residential area. I already made it past the Pasig flyover when I realized I had to turn back. Today really was leg day. Still, I made it to the right side, and the jeep dropped me off at the right street, and I was all good from there.

I had explored so many areas of the city (well, two cities) within 3 hours, so getting to watch Sleepless was the ultimate prize. Cinema '76 was located in a small building within the residential area I was talking about. The theater was small but homey. The film was basically the culmination of the intense travelling I've done for the day.

(I'm gonna take this opportunity to promote Sleepless and the Pinoy indie film industry. All worth your time and money.)

The ride home was smoother, surprisingly. I was expecting the north-bound MRT to be so full of people I'm pressed against the glass door or between a bunch of people sweaty from work. No. I actually got to sit down on the train and even stretch my legs. What a wonderful time.

Although relaxing, all the tiredness from the entire day sort of just built up, so I spent the FX home sleeping. I loved the hours I spent on commute, but now I just want to sleep.

[sun-song-one]

back & forth

If I keep coming back, the love-hate relationship has to mean something, right?

When people ask, “Where would you be if you’re not in Computer Science?”, I used to reply with Creative Writing. Since I wasn’t always a fan of the sciences, that was the best path I could see myself in. (Eventually though I did come to love it, so the CS path was okay.)

Nowadays, when my org’s applicants come up and ask me that, I answer with “Di ko alam eh. (I don’t know).” I’m kinda forced to answer the same thing when the question “Where would I shift?” arises.

I loved writing. Lately have I only discovered what I was most comfortable writing about, but I was still plagued with the what-ifs. If I had tread the creative writing road, how different would my struggles be? It was probably so hard to write a paper for a class. I actually now prefer writing code than writing essays (although it really depends). Would I be happy to have had spared myself the burden of needing to find the right words, and fast?

I wouldn’t know. My circumstances are entirely different now. Besides, I’m drowning in an altogether different kind of stress, and I don’t mind.

I’ve come back though. I think I’ll stick to writing regularly (again? I’m not entirely sure if I’ve done it before). I’m hoping someone reads this and thinks, “Okay ‘to ah. Ma-follow nga.” and gets mad when there’s no new material in, like, two weeks. And if there’s no one, I’ll do it anyway.

So, I’m back. For good. I promise I won’t lag on updating myself. (Or I’ll do my best.) I talk about my life on social media, anyway. Might as well write it with sense.

And just for the record, I’m crediting Saab Magalona and her blog for allowing my frequent blogging commitment come into fruition. If you haven’t read it, it’s a high time you should.