sulites

[sulites]

.09

6:31 am / august 22, 2021. (np): half moon - dean

—

wow, time does really fly. has it been two years since i’ve made a post here? well. here it goes. honestly, the pandemic wasn’t as bad for me but that doesn’t diminish the fact that people suffered. i pray for those people. other than that, i’ve moved out. i wish i can say i’m happier but i feel so stuck. i feel so lost in my own apartment and i don’t feel like it’s home. it’s sad to say, i miss my family. i think me moving out made me realize that like, yeah i might have found them annoying but they were a source of entertainment? lol and like i didn’t feel so lonely. yeah. i like my roommates, it’s just missing some here that i can’t explain. i wish i know what it was. 

[sulites]

this all or nothing

way of loving got me sleeping without you. (i was getting kind of used to being someone you loved)

there’s an insufferable pain that burrows in his chest deeper than that of his banishment from Heaven. an ache so distressful that he can’t rest easy, not when his love isn’t relaxing beside him, making snarky remarks at things he says before kissing him senseless and God, it hurts so fucking much. the day jungkook vanished, burning and disappearing into ashes, taehyung hasn’t been the same.

his days are full of crying, spent curled up into the sheets that his lover left behind. he has to dig his nose deep in his pillows in order to not forget the scent he always carried. his clothes still settle in his closet, his bathroom untouched, and the throne room is nothing better. the memories that flood only remind him of how happy they used to be, and if he had known, he would have appreciated every passing moment they had together. 

‘he’s in love with you too.’

the black feather from his wings, he presses it delicately against his cheek, closing his tearful eyes. human!jungkook’s words echo louder than any other he’s heard in ages. jungkook from the underworld was known to not fall in love, unable to bring himself to be soft and do feelings due to his rank as leader. he doesn’t know what changed when he came along. in fact, the fallen angel had the nastiest attitude towards this devil (for reasons) in the beginning, yet the rest that came after is history. 

it was meant to be them. 

taehyung was taught, ingrained to believe in miracles from the moment of his creation. but God is so cruel, taking the person that was most important to him when he was still an angel, only to find another that became his all just to take them away again. maybe miracles aren’t miracles at all. they can be confiscated at any chance, slipped right underneath your fingertips as you’re reaching for that sense of security. they’re false hope, but he still craves to trust, so he can figure out how to bring the love of his damned life back. 

because maybe– maybe jungkook has been his miracle all long, and he’ll move heaven and earth to bring him back. 

it’s a faint whisper in the throne room, surrounded by belongings of his love. a promise to the underworld that their king will return once again, no matter the length of this journey. 

kim taehyung swears on everything he loves. 

‘you’re my everything, i love you. see you soon.’

[sulites]

29.

“the eiffel tower, don’t you think it’s kinda cliche?” i asked, dismissively. he just looks at me and smiles, like there was an answer that’s so obvious and i couldn’t take the hint on what it was. it was our sixth year anniversary; promises of trips was always our thing. i’ll take you to one place, you’ll take me to another. pay it forward.

paris was actually something right up my alley. something that i knew i always dreamed of being, but with the way life abruptly hits you, the anticipation gets mundane. it’s a little disheartening to say.

he rents us a room together, not too shabby but nothing luxurious either that i have to be careful where to put my finger prints on. an enclosed space for the bed and we lie together. i stare at his mole. the one adorned underneath his lip and think to myself, if it was on anybody else, i wouldn’t give it a care in the world. but it was because it was on him, specifically him, that it mattered to me. i give it small kisses like i regularly do, and he flutters his eyes shut at the faint touch.

we’re both financially stable to afford something more opulent for both of our tastes, enough to order fine dining and drink our sorrows away with expensive wine but he settles for this.

“cliche, but i think our whole entire relationship is.” he finally answers, digging his fingers into my locks and giving my forehead a light kiss. “we sing to each other, we dance with one another. you give me gifts out of the blue, and so forth. and to me, there’s nothing wrong with all of it. because i do it with you.”

“i do it with you.”

[sulites]

.08

3:09 am / august 10, 2019. (np): selfish high heels - yung bae

—

well, i stuck to my promise of getting a new computer. completely fell in love with it. worth the money in my opinion. i also bought different furniture and made it all by myself. so far, i’m proud of it. life is just, again, boring. though, i guess it’s all the little things. i’m trying to get myself back into playing games again. i miss the times where that’s all i would do.

[sulites]

.07

3:45 am / july 12, 2019. (np): -

—

today, i just felt so out of place? i woke up not wanting to talk to anyone. it’s weird actually considering the fact i’m an extrovert and need social communication to literally thrive. rereading my past journal entries makes me miss them. i don’t know, life feels sort of, mundane somehow. there’s nothing really that i feel the need to be sad about, not that i want that anyway. 

disney world was okay. in fact, it was Terrible. hot. too many people. it was adequate. my birthday was good though. well, exclude the fact that my bff’s forget to tell me happy birthday on time smh! otherwise, i just felt this need for something new. something to take my mind off things. i want a new laptop/desktop, new room. something. 

[sulites]

.06

2:32 am / march 06, 2019. (np): dream -xori

—

i felt like i completely jinxed myself to the max lmao. i just, don’t know what i want to do with my life anymore. i’m constantly in a down mood. i think it all started with something that happened to me a week ago and it got me shaken up, and ever since then, i just can’t get this weighing feeling off my mind. i feel so lonely now-a-days. i feel like i want to give up all together on friends that don’t matter. it’s possibly my bitterness and or passive aggressive talking but it’s just, why put in the effort if i’m not getting anything back?

even if i’m hanging out with my friends more often, it’s just, i go back home and it’s the same ol thing. i get sad. i get lonely. i just feel so lost and empty. 

[sulites]

x 😊

[sulites]

.05

12:04 am / feburary 26, 2019. (np): moon, 1204am.

—

it’s another year and yet, everything feels the same. but oddly different? i’ve passed my days of loneliness and at this point, i’m happy with the way things have turned out for me. i’ve found another soul that i’ve confine myself to for the past few months, and honestly, i wouldn’t want anyone else. i feel safe, in the sense of home. i, i don’t know, it’s so weird because i never felt like this before. except for maybe the exception of him. someone who i continuously come back to, but this time, it’s in a romantic sense.

everything has been going well. work has been busy, and i’ve been making a lot of money lately. my appearance isn’t so much of a hassle anymore. i hope to not jinx myself for the following months. speaking of that, i’m really hoping that everything will turn out well for the upcoming months, i want to see the two people who i hold dear close to. 

[sulites]

.04

4:04am / october 13, 2018. (np): moon - ripley

—

whew, since my last entry, everything just seems like a blur and i don’t know where to begin.

baby

bts

work

the week my brother was born more stressful than i thought to ever go through. my mom had a lot of complications to bring this baby into this into this world, he was a little stubborn and i’ve never seen my mom in so much pain like she did when she had this baby. pushing was not ideal, so having that c-section helped her loads. we didn’t get to see the baby till a day later, and my god, did i knew that this baby was going to be a source of happiness for me. his tiny hands, his tiny face, everything about him was so precious. he was just absolutely charming. 

that following week, i got to go see bts. a year later and oh my god, this time around was the experience better than i thought. i met so many wonderful people, got to do many things that i didn’t do before, and just. overall it was great. i miss my friends, i miss bts. i hope every concert experience i go through gets better.

work has been ass when i came back, getting accused of being lazy (when lol, everyone does bare minimum work so) but i got blamed for most of it. 

overall, september was a good month while october has been a pain in the ass. my brother just underwent surgery, and he’s doing perfectly fine but i just can’t wait till we bring him home.

misc:

i’ve forgotten about you and it no longer hurts.

[sulites]

blue lemonade

he finds himself submerged in blankets, the moonlight cascading over his body and another soul that resides in the same room as him. he looks over, seeing how the moon also shone brilliantly over the lifeless body that he knew it was the most breathtaking thing he’s ever seen. though, his lips would never allow him to admit it. not even to himself. 

he lies awake, hearing the ocean tides calling out to him. like a euphony, and he slowly takes himself away from the bed, each step seemed perpetually longer than the last or maybe because every time he does, he can’t help but stare at him while he walks out the door. 

he grabs the hotel card, careful not to make any sound that could wake the kids and he’s off onto his own adventure. everything around him seemed surreal, like, he can’t believe that he was here. it wasn’t like he never visited, but there was something about this trip specifically does he feel it would make an impact. 

when he’s faced with the water, he feels like it tells him a hello or welcome back, and with that does a smile grace his lips. he returns back the greeting when his feet goes straight into the slightly freezing water and it’s been a while since he felt like this. blissful, like nothing can interrupt him. he sits there for a while, soaking up the atmosphere and everything else in between. 

time makes it’s way and he decides to let it consume him for now, because for some odd reason, he wanted to watch a movie. so he trails his body back to the hotel room, quietly returning in and he goes straight to the room he shared. the body moved just a little, still pretty as ever and he walks over to his bag, dishing out a dvd. 

the moon made it’s home in the living room, dark spots were now lit because of her. he slots the dvd in the player, plopping down onto the couch and watching how the screen goes bright with colors. the movie is known for that, and for it’s emotional roller coaster ride it leaves people in the first twenty minutes. he understands the emotions the first few times he watches it. how the colorful tint slowly decreases, and how the music goes along perfectly with the journey. it’s when ellie bids her last goodbye, not with words, but with her presence that it hits him and his eyes trinkle with salty tears.

he doesn’t hear it, or see, but another person joins him in the living room. he doesn’t notice it, but there’s a shift in the environment. when the person comes into view, he sees that it’s him and that he’s woken up from his beautiful slumber. “i moved a little, then i noticed you were gone,” he smiles sadly, some more words hidden underneath the sentence. taehyung apologizes, but jungkook doesn’t need it. he takes a small wet towel, wiping off the excess tears threatening to leave taehyung’s eyes and he chuckles.

“you’re so...” he doesn’t say anything else, just hopes that his messages goes through. he holds taehyung’s face, careful not to make a wrong move. he’s so beautiful, that it hurts. he thinks to himself. he gets up, but he feels a hand wrap around his wrist, causing his breath to hitch. “stay? until the whole movie is done...” slowly moving his body back, he settles down with taehyung, not making eye contact or any contact in general. taehyung was the first to initiate it, wrapping his arms around jungkook’s and lightly putting his weight on the younger. head pressed against the other male’s shoulders, they rest just like that.

they get through majority of the movie, right down to the part where carl finally finishes the adventure book and it’s when taehyung tears return. he laughs out of shame, mumbling a sorry before jungkook takes the towel again and wipes his face gently. the movie ends shortly and they stay, enjoying each other’s company.

his arm begin to grow stiff and he glances over to see that taehyung had fallen asleep. it’s a sight that he’s never tired of. adjusting just a little, he decides to pick him up and bring them both back to bed. gently placing him onto the mattress, he brings up the sheets to cover the male and he stands there, admiring the work of art god decided to gift him with. 

moments later, his arms wrap carefully around taehyung’s body and the body responds back, nuzzling his face into his warm chest and he could have sworn he saw that boxy grin on his features but he ignores it. “pretty.” he murmurs to himself, but he doesn’t know that taehyung could hear. 

“thanks for the adventure, taehyung-ah.”

[sulites]

I think that, for every bad day where you can’t get out of bed, there is a lovely day where the sun can’t seem to stop shining and all you want to do is feel the softest possible love and be given the same love in return. for every person that wasn’t mean to stay, there is a person whose love for you is unconditional, who would never even dream of leaving you, even if sometimes that person is yourself. for every goodbye, or friend who drifted away, there is a lovely stranger waiting to bump into you, and become someone you can drink hot chocolate with or talk to at 2am when all else is falling down. for every song that is ruined by associating them with someone who broke your heart, there is a new song that you can play on repeat under your blankets until you fall asleep because it reminds you of stars and summer evenings and days where everything was tinted with roses. for every failed exam, for everything that reminds you that you’ve failed, for every day where your brain feels like cotton, there is a day where you pick yourself off the ground again and take the first step, ignore bad thoughts, and feel a flush of hope because nothing in the past matters when you’re doing little things to better yourself every day, when you’re trying your best. for every day where everything goes wrong and you want to give up and stop existing, there is a day where the sky is blue and you see your friend’s smile or a dog or a pretty sunset, and that is enough to make you the happiest you’ve been in months. things always have a way of working out in the end, and just know that your day will come soon.

(instagram)

[sulites]

Nothing about them made you better.

[sulites]

You are going to win. You have always been better. You will not let their presence stop you anymore.

[sulites]

You don’t have to diminish yourself for the sake of an understanding that won’t come.

[sulites]

.03

5:15 am / august 1, 2018. (np): eclipse - kim lip

—

well thank god july is out of the picture. anyways, there’s a lot i can catch up with this journal. meeting a new friend on tinder, to finally getting out of the memories stage, i think i learned a lot during july. i think saying less is more. i’ll learn to keep restrictions. not in a bad way, but to not spill when there’s no need to. i finally got back into the habit of making edits and giffing again and even though that sounds corny? it helps. it distracts.

i’m really grateful for my friends and what they’ve done for me. starting from the moment i wake up, i’ll set reminders for myself to drink more water and sleep early. i need to pick myself up where i left off. for my wellbeing and sake. my mind wasn’t healthy but i will start.

[sulites]

.02

12:52 am / july 14, 2018. (np): stay - j.lu ft summer soul

—

it’s been so long since i wrote an entry and i’ve been meaning to but i just didn’t know what to say. and what’s the point of having a journal with pointless writing? i contradicted myself oops.

since i last written, i came back from vacation. to be honest, it didn’t have that feel like i did when i went to the beach a year ago. that left an impression, but somehow, this one didn’t? but overall, it was... nice. it got rid of my touch starve for a bit and finally discovering how disney felt was something else.

my stomach ache has finally subsided just a little but i still feel bloated and my uti has gotten better too. it’s just been messing with my self confidence lately. just today, man, did i feel down in the dumps about my looks and how i feel. i have good friends that reassure me and i’m so grateful for them.

[sulites]

I deserve to make myself happy, and I will do just that.