sucimurnisafi

[sucimurnisafi]

One last drop. I promised i won’t call

[sucimurnisafi]

Chubby bunny and i missed her a lot

[sucimurnisafi]

Skincare

As much as i love my new Innisfree skincare, i feel kinda tired of having my skincare routine. I do double cleansing first- oil cleansing then my Innisfree hydrating face wash. After that i put glycolic acid, hydration serum and moisturiser and sunscreen. It has lots of steps and i feel my mind is out of place doing it. At night i just use my retinol

I don’t use make up anymore because I’m so lazy. I just use my MAC sheer lipstick or Fenty lipgloss.

Not to forget i use shower gel and shampoo, followed by body oil and body butter and perfume . These kind of routine make me just so tired.

I’m thinking to make it as simple as possible but i just not sure what kind of skincare should i use next.

Most people are shocked about my age. They said i look like a uni student. I hope my younger face stays forever because i don’t wanna get old, looked ugly and have wrinkles.

I started to take probiotics, seamoss gel and multivitamin supplements. I think that’s the major reason I’m losing weight. I have no appetite to eat basically, i always break my fasting quite laste around 10 or 11 pm because i don’t feel like eating

[sucimurnisafi]

A pervert,

A rapist

An old guy,

10 years older than me,

Poor bastard,

Miskin tegar,

Perogol,

Kaki pancut dalam,

Herpes,

Pelanggan pelacur,

Tua muka berkedut

[sucimurnisafi]

List of what Melvin Nigel Okala Jr said that made me traumatized

1) “ Kalau budak budak IPTA, i pancut dalam “

2) “ i pernah rogol orang tau “

3) “ Subuh tu , i pergi tandas, kote i keras, i masukkan kote i dalam pussy perempuan tu, perempuan tu tengah tidur tapi dia bagi je la, waktu tu kitaorang dekat Langkawi, kitaorang pergi Langkawi memang nak main pun “

4) “ i pernah liwat orang sekali je, tu pun 10 tahun lepas “

5) “ i dengan fwb have sex 5-6 kali je dalam 10 tahun “

6) “ i tak boleh terima perempuan gemuk “

7) “ abang suka gadis bawah 30 sebab ketat mcm ziqa, pepek ziqa ketat “

8) “ Pepet you ketat, grip you kuat “

9) “ waktu i dengan escort tu i jilat pepet dia, lepastu i kena blister dalam mulut “

10) “ waktu dah nak break up dengan Sha, i stop main dengan dia , sebab perempuan ni makin main , makin sayang”

11) “ i pernah ada affair dengan perempuan ni, dia pun banyak ajar lots of things macam you, she let me slept with her everyday, nama dia Wasiah Rosli. Both of us cheated on each other partner “

12) “ i sanggup naik bas to Perlis just to fuck with someone “

[sucimurnisafi]

Melancholy Ramadhan

I think this year Ramadhan is really the saddest among others in my entire life. I face it with the bare minimum. I cried for almost every solah and sujood. It’s been a year i battle with the trauma that Melvin gave me.

I lost almost 15kgs due to traumas. Yeah it isn’t healthy lost weight. I just so depressed and i have no appetite to eat. Every food doesn’t look good and feel good. When i met Melvin, life was so hard and battle to fight for it. I thought he will be a light for me to continue this life but hey he is just a disaster. I always wanted to rewind the time where i can just block him after first time meet ups or lodge the police report after being sexually harassed at the coffee bean.

He touched my boobs and sucked my boobs without consent. I was so regretful not lodging the police report after that.

[sucimurnisafi]

High school sweetheart

I was a nerdy girl who just mind my own business and studying really hard during my high school era. I had no male friends when i was in Seri Puteri, because i didn’t feel i need to have friendships with boys. There are few boys that wanted to get to know me but i just don’t really care about it because i knew most of them just testing their market and most of them were just not good looking.

Back to few months before Spm, Seri Puteri had collaboration with Maktab Tentera Diraja for Sejarah academics study camp. I was the head for my table due to my excellence results for Sejarah, plus most of the first class students ( i was in class Pintar ) need to be a tutor during the camp.

I was partner up with Sandz, a very quiet boy from MTD. All the boys from military school are super fit and lean, very cold persona and vibes. He didn’t talk much, he was very introverted person. I wasn’t sure if my discussion , he could understood or comprehend everything. The final day after 3 days camp, he asked my fb and my number. Yeah i brought my phone during that time but i didn’t use much, i used it during weekends just to call Umi. We started to become closer and i found out a love letter in my Sejarah book. It was really heart flattering to receive the letter and i still keep it until now.

After Spm examinations ended, i told him that my books were so many and i had no idea how to tidy it up. I felt so burnt out due to exam and i didn’t slept a night before. The next day , i got an announcement that i had a visitor, i was shocked because my parents were really rare to visit me. My friends told me there was a boy who came for me and i went to Anjung Sri without showering and i saw Sandz , sitting on the bench and smiling.

He said he was gonna help me out for tidying up the book and i was speechless. Bear in mind, it was early in the morning.

I went back to my dorm and my dormmates cheering for me and persuaded me that i should go for a date with Sandz at Alamanda. I just feeling not sure and Feyna gave her blouse and beautiful hijab for me to try on. I finally agreed to go for a date with Sandz at Alamanda and we just had lunch and went visiting my favourite places in that mall. We went to Roti Boy, MPH and celcom service centres just to say hi to the akak who always helping me out with the simcard.

We headed back to Seri Puteri and he did most of the work, tidying the notes and the books into the boxes , organising them into specific sections. He didn’t say anything and just do the work. He was super shocked, realising in Seri Puteri we had one big computer with internet and LCD and it was in 2012. Plus all the teachers using tumb print for the attendance made him mind blowing.

When my cousin, ( Abang Deli and Ajad ) came, Sandz was the one who helped me out to put the boxes of the books into the car. Abang Deli was so mean, he wasn’t treated him nicely and Sandz kinda looked scared. You know what happened after that? Abang Deli told the entire family about Sandz and i was super embarrassed about it.

Umi really like Sandz because he kinda religious. He sent me tafsir Al Quran and brooch. In return, Umi asked me to buy him few shirts, the formal one so that he could use it for college. Umi was the one who gave me the money for the shopping.

We were in relationship since 2012 until 2014 before i decided to break up just to focus my A level. Plus he was studying in Johor and we were LDR and it was hard to maintain the relationship. I was super busy and stressed out with A level and i really couldn’t commit.

We reconnected again back in 2017 and we had few video calls during winter. He took journalism major and during that time he almost finished his studies. I said sorry about the break ups and it was good to be able to hear what was in his POV. I could feel thag he really loves me because he said he couldn’t forget anything about me. Then i ghosted him to just focus on my studies for my degree and reconnect back on 2020. He asked me to get married but i wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t emotionally and financially stable for marriage life. He already worked with RTM and did so good with his career.

Then we said goodbye for good. He already married to someone else and i felt extremely happy for him.

To Sandz, thank you for the kindness, love and the care. Thank you for always listening my stories late of nights. Thank you for bearing with me and always give me support during my A level years

[sucimurnisafi]

Ayah.

He is the most hardworking person i ever know in life. He worked multiple jobs just to make sure me and my siblings to get access the best education as possible. Me and my siblings went to boarding school during high school. At first after the UPSR results announced, i kinda agree with him to study at Convent Teluk Intan , but to be honest i have interest to go to Kolej Tuanku Kurshiah. So i applied SBP with the help of my teachers and i didn’t tell Ayah about it.

When Ayah had meetings in KPM Putrajaya, his friend told him i got an offer to Seri Puteri and his friend insisted him to let me to pursue my education there. My dad was super happy because he checked my UPSR results and my marks for all subjects were 90 percent and above and i was ranked top 50 in Malaysia.

Seri Puteri is really expensive school. I still remember Ayah spent 5k plus myr for my first year. I didn’t get the tuition fees relief because Ayah was in M40 group but it was really heartbreaking to see him struggling with money. I was actually okay just to go to daily school because i knew if i was studying hard, i would be successful no matter what but he insisted me to stay in Seri Puteri. I always top 20 back in high school because getting a C in my result really made myself feel bad for Ayah.

Ayah is the best academic advisor i had in my life. He asked me to take Science Stream instead of Accounting and i still remember when i was in F4, he accompanied me to study , sitting next to me at the table. He gave me motivation that i need to put constant hardwork to maintain my excellence. He gave me the best of everything. He bought me full set of SBP trial papers reference books and i cried because it was hella expensive. During final exam F4 , i was ranked top 150 out of SBP in Malaysia and during the F5 trial i was ranked 200.

Before the SPM results announced, i got the iv from Exxon Mobile and Ayah accompanied me to Hilton KL for the interview. It was the best iv i had in life because i could experience the luxury buffet all day and ayah was super happy he could eat lobster. When Ayah said , most of the parents working in big company while him just a government servant and he couldn’t afford to pay to stay at expensive hotel , to be honest I felt extremely sad. He gave me the best out if his life and i was so proud of him.

I missed my SPM years to be honest . It was the peak of my happiness in my entire life before depression hit me during uni. I still vividly remember how Ayah smiling looking at my results i got 7A+ 2As and said “ Tahniah Kakak, Ayah bangga dengan Kakak “, it was the best feeling i could experience in heart. The next week Ayah bought me Asus Laptop and i felt extremely happy.

Now i am full grown adult and i tried so hard to climb the ladder, for myself and Ayah and Umi. Working life is not easy. It’s tiring and frustrating but i know I have my parents prayers accompanying me on this journey. I just wanna be a good daughter, put my parents first over everything and be kind towards them. Sometimes i hate myself for being so stubborn and not able to express how much i love my parents.

To Umi , Ayah, thank you for the love, sacrifices and support and the endless amount of money you have spent to me. I really really love both of you. I’m truly sorry i’m not the best daughter you guys could have but i really trying to be one.

Doakan Kakak murah rezeki, mampu balas budi and jasa Umi, Ayah. Ampunkan segala kesalahan Kakak selama hidup ni

[sucimurnisafi]

Abu Dhabi

I always have a big dream to migrate to Middle East. I went to Qatar once and just for 13 hours transit from London to Malaysia and i felt completely in love with the culture, vibes and the atmosphere. I have no idea how to explain but Qatar was amazing.

Most of my arabs friends back in uni were super rich. Super duper rich. I used to go to Islamic Centre every Friday for Solat Jumaat and always get the free food and sedekah from Arabs aunties and uncles. They came with their luxury cars and i was just in shock. 😮. Driving Lambo but wearing white jubah and serban. It humbled me down.

I have big dream to be in Genius Team but the vacancy in Apple TRX is not available. One of my colleagues said Apple gonna enhance its business in Abu Dhabi and he said i should try my luck for the new store opening in Al Ain. It’s really a high hope for me to migrate there. I’m not interested to Dubai because it’s just so lavish and not suitable for me but Abu Dhabi looks fine. It’s just nice.

Umi really supporting my decision to migrate to Abu Dhabi. She knows i always interested to go to middle east since i was in primary school because i always amazed how one of my neighbours studied dentistry in Jordan . Another neighbour in front of my house working with Emirates Airline and he always uploading the pictures in Middle East countries.

I love Apple culture. It’s full of humanity and empathy. My connecting manager, he’s from Egypt , I would say he is angel sent by God.

There was the time i cried in front of lockers because i felt so burnt out and i had panic attacks and he helped me to find my medication. One of my colleagues, Michelle hugged me so tightly. I have no idea how much i felt thankful for my colleagues and managers and Apple. Sometimes i felt bad i need to fight my inner demons and this really hard to be able to reach my fully potential.

The trauma that i experienced with Melvin really made me in worst position. I told everything about Melvin to my connecting manager how this really affected my mental health and he really be so caring asked me how i was feeling and just to make sure i am safe. Apple has its global security where they can banned the specific person from entering any Apple store globally.

At the same time i had iv with Tesla too last few weeks. Tesla also amazing but during the iv, the interviewer is kinda lack of humanity. She kept bragging about how Tesla is super fast environment and how i need to be hardworking just to be able to work with Tesla. I just listen without any thoughts in mind. But when I told her how much Apple pay me and i am looking for the increment better than Apple, she said the salary is just for senior positions. It was such a turn off when you kept saying about the work loads but you couldn’t afford to pay the expected salary.

I prayed harder this Ramadhan so that my journey to Abu Dhabi became smoothly. Apple always in heart, i couldn’t see myself working in any other company other than Apple. I really really wanna be in Genius Team because that’s something i really passionate about .

[sucimurnisafi]

Forever gone

[sucimurnisafi]

Abang Mel

Last night i dreamed of you. I woke up crying when i realized you were no longer in my life

How i wish i could turn back the time not reaching to kak sha or kak icha. How i wish i could tell you directly, my feelings was pure and genuine and i was so ready to be your companion. I was treating you like my husband, love of my life , the first time i saw you.

I wish you could understand, what i felt towards you. When you said we were far a way, few hours after that i edited my resume and sent to hundreds company in Kuala Lumpur.

When we met our second time at Bangi and Damansara, you had no idea how much i wanted to fix our relationship and connections. But you kept saying you wanted to look other woman to be your wife while here i was in front of you almost dropped my tears.

Could you please one second, understand me? Just one second.

Even it’s been a year, i still waiting for you. I was so ready to ask for forgiveness and hating you and holding grudges towards you just made me suffocated.

I missed having you by my side. Hugging me in the coldest night. Comforting me when life hit so hard.

I missed your warm kisses on my forehead and the gentle hugs. I missed being silly towards you with your laugh and jokes. I missed our shower session.

Abang Mel,

I went to Kuantan, the private beach that you was talking about. My room exactly in front of the sea view. I cried almost every night of my vacation , wishing you were there with me. I kept looking at your pictures and videos , where had you been actually?

If one day we never meet again, i just wanted you to know how much guilty i was treating you that way. I love you. Really. From deepest of my heart and soul

[sucimurnisafi]

Early flight

I couldn’t sleep thinking i didn’t start packing my things yet . My flight to Kuantan is at 8.15 am today and i need to reach to KLIA 1 , 2 hours early. I am so excited because i take flight with MAS which is my favourite airlines. Then on 19 march to 22 march , i go to Bali.

Desi called me how she is so stressed out about MAS iv, how she is only has 4 ringgit at her bank account. To be honest i cried because i feel my shoulder is so heavy helping her. Preparing for flight attendant iv is freaking expensive. I spent 1k plus just for her few days ago and she really need my financial help again for hair, menie pedie, make up and hair removal gel.

I used to help people in need. People always asking my money but when i’m in trouble no one willing to help me unless Firdaus. I hate sometimes people are using me like ATM machines. At the end they doesn’t give me anything in return.

I told Desi, if she succeed, don’t dare to forget my deeds. I wish she will repay all my money i invested to her.

To God,

I tried my best to be as generous and kind like how You want a decent human being to be. I know the rezeki is all from you, there is nothing i hope that all my good deeds will be rewarded. I’m looking for other opportunities with bigger salary and better benefits from Apple TRX Malaysia

That’s all i wanna ask for from .. You.

Help me , God

Help me

[sucimurnisafi]

Jakarta

I have a plan to go to Jakarta to meet Kak Icha and also i have an Indonesian friend to visit. I never go to Jakarta but I’m pretty sure it’s just like KL but with more traffic jam

To be able to be strong like Kak Icha is my hope right now. To be able to move on and be happy with life like Kak Icha is something i look forward at the time being.

I still remember when Kak Icha called me , she said she found out sex videos of Melvin with multiple women, and deep down i felt bad for Kak Icha. She was must be hurt being betrayed and cheated by her lover. Being left just because she changed just to be closer to God must be a very painful experience to endure after 8 years relationship. I have no idea how Kak Icha could be that strong. She is indeed a strong woman.

Kak Icha said to me “ When you talking about Mel, i don’t feel anything towards him. I feel nothing , plus i’m so grateful of my life having a good husband and a son “

I could totally see Kak Icha has high tolerance and patience towards Mel because she successfully stayed for 8 years.

Kak Sha ever said how lucky she was not getting married with Melvin. Imagine the constant worry and overthinking of being stressed for keeping eyes to Melvin for he staying loyal and not having sex with other women. I kinda get what Kak Sha means. She said , “ Kak Sha pun dah happily married, dah ada anak dah pun “.

Erlia still having the trauma when i reached out to her when i asked her about Mel. She indeed felt scared, thinking i was Mel , using girls identity. Erlia told me how she was drunk raped and there was one time she got food poisoning, and Mel kept having sex with her at night. She told me Mel kept fucking her from day to night really made me cried of what she experienced. Not to forget, Mel recorded her every sex session.

I bleed for few days, Mel caused me plus with fever for almost a week. During our trip to Pangkor, a night at Teluk Intan, is still remember my vagina hurt so bad and burning and my uterus parts was in crucially pain. I need to walk slowly to the bathroom and Mel papah me and i need to take the pain killers … with the plan b pill. Thinking about that , my tears always rolled down on my cheeks why i sacrificed myself for him, at the end of the day he left me, and give me infection. He didn’t even send me to the clinic. He didn’t take responsibility to nikah with me. He indeed scolded me , yelling at me and being mad how i wasn’t normal like other women because i used to have vaginismus.

To Melvin Nigel Okala Jr , i won’t forgive you until my last breath. I will hunt you until forever .

[sucimurnisafi]

Thank you honey for the baju raya.

Thank you for the endless support, luxuries and pamper

Thank you for the kindness taking care of me

#semogaPetronasmajujaya

[sucimurnisafi]

Tuhan

Sejak akhir akhir ini aku banyak menangis di tikar sejadah. Setiap kali solat, setiap sujudku penuh dengan air mata. Aku malu dengan Tuhan, cukup malu. Aku malu aku cuma hanya mencari Dia waktu saat susah, saat gelisah, saat sedih. Sewaktu gembira, di kala senang banyak aku terbuai dengan indahnya dunia yang sementara.

Aku buang agamaku dan Tuhanku demi cinta seorang lelaki yang bukan suamiku. Aku berubah menjadi apa yang dia inginkan atas asbab dia mahukan seorang yang bukan terlampau konservatif. Aku lakukan semua perkara di luar batasan agama demi cinta yang bukan hakiki.

Tapi akhirnya aku kecewa, ditinggalkan dengan parut luka pedih di hati bersama kesan trauma kehidupan yang cukup mendalam.

Sudah setahun perkara ni berlalu , namun air mataku masih mengalir deras setiap kali denting tengah malam berbunyi. Penyesalan paling perit yang cukup aku rasakan hingga mahu mencabut nyawaku sendiri. Cukup aku katakan aku tidak cukup kuat untuk teruskan hidup.

Betapa aku ingin putar masaku kembali untuk melindungi diriku daripada seorang lelaki durjana yang hanya tahu meragut kehormatan wanita tanpa ada rasa bersalah dalam sudut hatinya, tanpa ada detik rasa untuk bertanggungjawab terhadap diriku, tanpa ada belas kasihan. Soalnya lelaki itu bukan muda, bahkan 10 tahun tua dari umurku. Jauh lebih tua, tetapi perwatakan jauh lebih Iblis.

Aku tiada lagi tempat aku berpaut dalam hidup ini selain Tuhan. Aku tiada lagi tempat aku bergantung selain Tuhan. Tuhan sahaja tempat aku mengadu atas rasa segala kesakitan hati.

Tiada apa yang aku harapkan agar segala dosaku diampunkan Tuhan. Tiada apa yang aku dambakan selain kasih sayang dan rahmat Tuhan. Tiada apa yang aku rintihkan selain ketenangan hati dan ketenteraman jiwa dalam hidup ini.

Semoga aku kuat mengesat air mata untuk meneruskan kehidupan.

Semoga aku terus tabah.

Semoga aku tetap teguh berdiri.

Tuhan itu penuh kasih sayang.

Yakinlah.

[sucimurnisafi]

Malaysian Airlines Cabin Crew

Desi got iv from Malaysian Airlines to be a flight attendant, Desi is the colleague that i close the most at Apple. She is part time seasonal and her contract gonna end soon at the end of this March. Yesterday she slept at my house and i helped her with Emirates application. When she got the news the MAS iv is next week, she been reluctant to go due to financial constraints. When i checked the list, yes the grooming part was the hardest. Hair must be black, skin checking, body checking and etc.

I feel bad for not helping her. I wish she could achieve her dream. I am not that rich and in my bank account i have kinda barely having any money. I just had 8.5k ringgit on my Maybank.

Yesterday i plan impulsively booking for deep facial for Desi. All the treatment cost me 846 ringgit. She has very not that good skincare and i bought her one set skincare from Innisfree, MAC red lipstick ( for the iv) and glycolic acid toner ( for the hyperpigmentation and toning the skin at her and knee. It costed me 614 ringgit.

I kinda feel a bit stressed about this but deep down i know she has no one to help her. I try my best to be ikhlas and hoping the God would grant me another rezeki in terms of financial especially.

I wish my good deeds will be rewarded

[sucimurnisafi]

Jealousy ? Hell no

When i first time tracing information about Hanis Yusof, deep in my heart i knew my guts is true. She is so suspicious.

The hints of desperately trying to show the ring and what’s connection between hers and Mel is just insane.

There was a time she stalked my TikTok abd 5 hours later Mel stalked me. Not the forget the constant dp changing and the characteristic of the their name of LinkedIn is exactly the same.

I saw her picture from LinkedIn and truth to be told…. she is.. ugly. Not to mention the poor results of her SPM just showed she is not on the same level with me. SPM was easy and she just scored 5As? And the fact that she was from normal daily school? She was probably just a lazy kid to study

I was so shock when i was first time seeing her face, she looked fierce and bitchy. I showed her pictures to my close friends at Apple and they was like … “ Never mind Ziqah , you are way cuter, sumpah dia buruk gila , tak cantik pun “

There were few pictures that i was kinda confused which one is her so i did Ai and deep learning face recognition and there are the results

Yeah, I shouldn’t feel jealous and insecure or anything else because she looked that disgusting . The fact that she’s been working with never-heard -name of company and that’s the major reason WHY do i need to be sad if she is with Mel. ?

Indeed God give me blessings removing Mel from my life , imagine if Mel using me for sex and money. Literally being biawak hidup, the exact term biawak hidup tua bangka. Imagine God saved me from STD and HIV because Mel used to langgan pelacur and having sex without condom

That was a major blessings from God and i need to be grateful for that