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Friday, September 26th,2023 - Diary Entry 7

She throws off the covers and stands on her feet. Her hearts weak, her minds a fucking cage. She takes one step and falls onto her knees. It hasn't been five minute's and she's in tears. They cruxify not knowing there word's are nothing compared to her mind, her hearts been bleading since birth. The betrayl, the lies and hate against her for thing's out her control. She open's her mouth to speak and anxiety has her by the throat, she wants to feel special but there's a dagger pressed against her heart. Yesturday was a happy memory and today is suffering. Tomarrow is undecided

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Would You? A Poem Written By River Rose

If i slit my wrist tonight, there's blood spilling on your floor who are you chooseing to save?

Would you save the person you thought i was or the girl with a beating heart?

When the doctor's are screaming for my name will u honor my wishes or abandon them in a panic.?

Can you understand i would rather die then be labeled that word again?

Do you love her, would you be there for me at my worst?

I know the past mean everything. Would u burn the video's and picture's to save me from the torment? Choose to stand with me and live only threw memories.

If i never could have a sex change would u view me differently then a lover?

Do you trust in me, trust me to know how my heart beats?

If i had nothing left would you blame me at my funeral.

I have question's... would you?

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Organized Ejactulation

Organized Ejactulation is me just writing everything out. Below it's not exactly a diary but also a step by step guide.

Part I : The Start of Seductive Chaos

I Need time to think, i need time to breathe. There is a dark underside with coming to terms with reality. I Feel like i'm being torn apart with thoughts, like i'm about to gamble with a chance i risk everything.

I'm no longer looking in one direction. I'm remembering the phantom lingering of idea's. As i work on one project my mind is also figureing out at least five idea's in the background. It's the feeling of stuffing yourself at the holiday's. Having all this food and wanting to eat it all.It feels like i'm being torn apart with thoughts, needing the mass amount's of knowledge. It has not made me unstable, it's made me full when before i was unclear on my intentions and only focused on one situation.

Part 2 : The Streaming Abduction

I'm closer to my twitch stream debute with a personal name change goal. Martha is creating my vtuber, i have talked to cynda about emotes, iv been doing the stream graphics. Fuck, i have not worked this hard on anything previously in my life. It's impossible this will crash and burn. Just hope it's perceived well. Temp stream times

Monday : No Stream

Tuesday : 6pm

Wednesday : 6pm

Thursday : No Stream

Friday : 6pm

Saturday: No Stream

Sunday : No Stream

If there are streams on my day off they will be around me editing graphics, video editing or multiplayer gameing. As for the emotes i want to take Aura's ballgag muffin further. Have a set of food or fruit with a twist.

Part 3 : The Mindfuck

Thursday is my doctor and the first time i'm going to speak. I Feel like i'm going to be at the doctor staring at the floor until she comes in and when i look up tears will start coming. This is very personal for me, this is me at the most raw. "You may not understand, but you are fucking with my fucking life" i scream. People don't seem to understand the severity of being so fucked in my head. I Don't want to be him, i'm not him and never was. I Was mishandled and i'm fucking tired of it. I'm dispressed, i'm sparatic, i'm tired of being so fucked up. Tired i'm not worth the lick of a split to fuck, might as well slit my wrist. Even nick who used to use my birthname only now does it in conversations with other's. It took 5 years but river has taken hold. It feels like i'm jumping on a grenade and the audience is looking on as they gasp. They can't understand why someone would be willing to risk everything to be free.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Friday, September 8th,2023 - Diary Entry 6

At heart, deep in my bone's i'm claustrophobic. I Was the child afraid to close the bathroom door out of some irrational fear it may never open again. Just being locked in a room with four walls and no way out terrified me. I'm not scared of bathroom door's but doors in general. Will the elevator stop am i stuck? If i speak will they lock me into the mental hospital again?

" The exact cause of bipolar disorder isn’t known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain structure and chemistry may play a role.

Manic episodes may include symptoms such as high energy, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes may include symptoms such as low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in daily activities. Mood episodes last days to months at a time and may also be associated with suicidal thoughts. "

I have always been cautious about the emotion's i let other's hear. It was all based in fear. Though i'm still terrified the alternative i fear more. These thoughts in my head when i think rationally it's all the bipolar. It's just so hard thinking rationally at times of depression. There's this sadness in me fueled by intence hatred. Impulsively i just want to smash my head against my desk. Blood and broken cartilage. A artistic bloodbath but again rationally i know it's something i'll regret later. I Wasn't asked what mental disorders i wanted at birth and i can't change them now.

I won't make it to a natural death. I Came to that outcome almost twenty years ago. The depression will win, i won't be strong enough. Me writing is my therapy, the awnser, the release. Everyone who knows me well knows i'm stuborn. I'll be fighting until the last second. Why am i depressed is a question i have asked myself a lot. I can tell you is at this moment i'm not suicidal just sad. I Need a hug, i need to be held by someone i trust and told it will be ok. I Want more then anything to be loved and wanted.

Though i speak carefree it's again better then the alternative. I Don't want to hurt anyone or even offend them. If i don't speak then later on i'll have my head on my pillow beating myself up asking myself why i didn't. My compassion in depression is compassion mixed with fear. Did i take it to far, did i say something wrong, oh fuck there gonna hate me arn't they. In my mind those who matter understand and can decode. In this mood i feel like i'm running around with a finger on the detonator scared

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Wednesday, September 6th,2023 - Diary Entry 5

She looks in the mirror. You could call her a dissapointment, tell her how much she's worthless. Those word's hurt, they leave scars but nothing compared to how she hates the reflection. Imagination running wild with her hands going threw the mirror and strangle the cunt stareing back.

That's were i learned my makeup. I Got the question a lot of the time's of why? Why do i need makeup? Why do i like looking like a faggot? I Would shrug my shoulders and awnser i don't know. They would not understand how makeup covered up the scars and i could smile again. Instead i fought for my own heart, my own rights and when i came out as trans people started to understand.

Henry selick did not catch my attention being a director. He fixated on the shot, then the next five upcoming shots. A stop motion director understanding that one frame. When we do our makeup we focus on one head tilt, then tilt our head another way. It must be perfect to our own vision.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Tuesday, September 5nd,2023 - Diary Entry 4

It all fades away. After death your organs can live 9 years. 20 years for your bones to fade into the soil. In most cases our body's can last 25 to 30 years after we all take out last breath. It still all fades..

What remains is the memories we create when were alive. Memories from the soul never die. We inspire, we heal, we love & laugh and then we cry, bleed, get depressed & isolate. Each is a memory and lesson's come from both happyness and sorrow. With life it's new and we learn to love and death is simply we love and then hurt. We can't see what's after or get closure just faith.

Most my hero's are gone. Each one has passed and iv had to mourn. What i did not expect was new hero's. We loose someone and then gain someone. A Hero of mine she's going threw a rough time. Loss is a very difficult and emotional experience. It got me thinking that in loss we lose a big part of us. We never asked how that lost part made us better. They shaped us and in our memories that are eternal lives all the good memores. There is no way i can begin to understand what she's going threw. Instead i'm giving fact's because it's were i find my personal comfort.

I Have given death a lot of thought. Taught to me threw adam and eve then the massacre of a religion icon called jesus. I Turned then to witch trials, executions,religions and what goes spook and bang in the night. In life i experience death loosing relatives and in books i studied the cause and effects of death threw the centuries. It's never easy loosing people. It's neither easy listening to people who lost someone. Your heart will break listening to people in concentration camps as your heart breaks from loss that has been first hand. Death brings compassion.

Then comes the question no one wants to awnser. How would you like to die? I can easily awnser this question. Standing up for what i believe in. If i die not backing down then i can die happy. This was just on my brain and decided dear diary... this is what's in my head.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

This diary is now 100% public. I'm not saying you will understand or that you will agree. I Don't honestly care if you do. This diary is not your's. This is mine and my views, my stuggles. Iv welcomed you in but that's were it end's. I Hope this serves some purpose.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Friday, September 2nd,2023 - Diary Entry 3

I Don't know how i would write this. It May come off as unrgrateful and ignorant, but fuck it. Nick has always been there for me. He saved my life many time's over. I love him with all i could possibly give everyone. I Know he will take me where i need to go but understanding this he can't. Not with this and it just happenes to be what drives me. I know he thinks a $700 name change is a waste of money, and i know he thinks the wig is ugly. It's the comment of urg, and the here we go look embeded deep in his eyes that hurt me. I Knew if i went down this path there would be these situation's. It's one reason it took me so long as i wanted to make sure my decision. Once i took the step i wasn't going back and i won't. I'll be alone, and my anxiety will be tested as normally nick is the one who speaks.

I'm bipolar with high axiety, the world out there terrifies me. I'm afraid this anxiety was beat into me. I'm scared of people's reaction because i was never good enough for someone, everytime i tried i was just told i'm trash and a failure. That take's a toll on a child, now i'm 39 and i ask what did i do to deserve this? Iv survived because nick always speaks, i hide in the shadows. Now as i'm writing this my quote's are tested. If you want something bad enough then nothing will stop you. If you did then you didn't want it bad enough. I Don't need this, i fucking deserve this. Thing's need to change so i'll stand alone even in fear, i'll bite my tounge till it bleeds till i'm finally free. I Just wish he was there, iv always celebrated the good things with my father. That he's missing in the biggest part of my life feels.. cold. So i just needs need to take time, accept it, move past it and keep going forward.

Dear father i don't blame you, i told you once we can't blame people for thing's they can't control. It hurts you don't understand and it feels cold standing alone. I will never blame you because fuck i love you so god damn much. Your my father, my hero, my best friend and i would not change that for anything. If i'm gonna survive, i'm going to have to follow my own dreams now. That child you raised so brilliantly is gone, she has matured into a bright woman with possibilities and her own drive. You did that and i'll never forget it. I'mm going to wear my wigs, talk about ways to hopefully change in surgery and change my name. I Guess your still her in parts because of all you taught me. Just when i'm standing here alone, promise me you won't leave me. I Can't go threw that again as it destroyed me for years.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Friday, September 1st,2023 - Diary Entry 2

Today i was defeated, as i tried to take a picture. The filter for snapchat could not even fix the horror that was looking back at me. I Tried so hard and tried to take thirty pictures or more pictures. If this was for a friend. If i knew they would not shop it around i could manage. I took one for shannon yesturday for her birthday. I Wore my wig yesturday to take a picture and held the book i wanted to showcase. I Was trying to take a picture with no wig for today. It was not until i brought the wig back out that i saw her again. But now i'm on the ground in tears. They won't stop and my makeup's a mess. I could not take a picture without a wig and i'm not going to allow the world to see this mess. I ended up back up against the way just crying. People don't know how many time's this happens. This is the diary of a transgender fucked by the reality of hateing her image so much. I'm left defeate

I Know that i will show this diary message to a couple close people. Partly so they can see behind the lines of my mind. That in ways were all messed up. This is the reality that we are our own worst enemy and that no one hates us more then we could ever hate ourselve's. Martha wrote a status yesturday and it cut because i felt that. When she spoke about her anxiety my mind was screaming that were twins.

[submissivetransgenderdiary]

Thursday, August 31st,2023 - Diary Entry 1

It's been a long time. I Haven't written without consequence in awhile. I Guess part of me was questioning who i was because of other's and i was scared to be alone. People have shown me that fear is only an obsticle when you give it the power. I Watched ahsoka earlier and one thing would not leave my mind. Rosario Dawson is gorgeous and threw makeup she was able to transform into this jedi. Surgery is permanent makeup and one day i'll be free.I'm sure people have noticed my word's have emotion behind them again. That i'm hitting jokes without remorse. If you look at twitter,twitch,facebook i have a new banner that read's "OnlyTrans, yea we don't give a fuck about your opinion". It's 100% true and i stand behind this quote. It's a punchline at onlyfans and how society is so bent on saying just because someone sells images of there body or cums for an audience it's not a real job. Is not a job were you make money? Could it be possible you lack self confidence or look like you ran into a bring wall a couple times. Who are you to tell us how the fuck to live our live's. The only opinion i care about now is mine and those i call family. Eminem has a quote "But if I offended you, good 'Cause I still don't give a fuck".

I Tore myself apart for over two months. I Relieved a lot of pain and in doing so i was able to see people's true faces. My own belief of people who are just vile and then i had to admit they were only strong because i gave them that power. It's like a prostitute who usually sells there body for money and the one time them don't for some various reason. It's that person who give's them aids. The sex sucked, the person turned out to be a douche and what do you have for your generosity? Fucking aid's man that's the reward. So i'm going after my own idea's and leaving all those aid infested douche's behind me. I looked into getting a chest online but in truth i want tits. I'm curious if i can get a hair transplant, if i can get help with a transition. When i start streaming again i'm raising money to change my name.

I Will admit though it's hard. I See these gorgeous friends i have and though i love them deep inside i also recent them. It's not there fault, and not mine i didn't ask to be born like this. Who in there correct mind would say "Hmm, i'll be this gender because i want to get depressed everyday and think about sliting my wrist". I'll tell you no one does. But they have the long hair, the hips, the tits and i just want that so bad it's fucking sickening. One day i'll be rosario, i'll be pretty in my own eyes. That's my true dream. So now i am doing a diary with a 3 day a weak goal. If i feel like doing more because this is for me. This is my diary, my reality