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04.

things i hate the most? easy.

me & my own expectations.

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03.

it’s only two months in 2021 but wtf is this.

i don’t think i’ve ever got  t h i s  stressed for  t h i s  long.

my mind b fully occupied but empty at the same time.

i’m breathing and holding my breath at the exact time.

feeling heavy in the chest all the time.

when there’s one time i finally feel i’m not anxious, not long after i’ll get anxious for being not anxious and having the thoughts;

“how can you not feel anxious? everything is not ok but here you are feeling fine? do you think you deserve?”

i do things to get distracted, but soon after, when i just take a moment to process things in my head, trying to figure out things in my head, i cry. 

ppl say crying will cleanse your soul but— sigh. idk, do we have to cry our hearts out to finally get a relief? i lost count how many times i’ve cried but my mind and everything inside is still clogged. no relief, at all.

i even tried to list ppl i, perhaps, could talk to. but—

i just.. want to leave everything behind and run away.

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02.

been a while ha ha

it’s finally the last day of 2020 and here i am, feel like shit.

i was fine, for days, had something in my mind, but it was ok, still able to handle it. but then,

yesterday i woke up early, way too early—as a result i slept early, turned out it was a bad choice of mine—that i overheard some conversations my parents had.

yep, 2020 is ending and i’m still unemployed. i’m trying to b chill abt it. i’ve applied to many places, some have turned me down, but some haven’t contacted me further. since it’s year-end, i’m thinking, probably, they’ll reach me out next year. mom once told me to not get stressed but look who’s the one caused my stress rn. 

a few days ago, mom suggested this job—a field that i’ve been clearly stated i’m not interested with—which involving with a help to the covid-19 situation. idk, i feel.... mad. i’ve said it to her that i’m not interested in that field, i’m not confident, it’s way too much pressure, and i lack way too much. but somehow, she suggested to me anw. i’m... so sick.. of ppl trying to guide me to a path i know i’m not interested with. 

and the fact its purpose is to help the covid-19 situation.. it only makes me soooooooo guilty. i feel bad that i’m not interested with the job. it’s THE job i’m not interested with, not the covid-19.

lmao the amount of not words in this post—

anw.. the main reason i feel mad is how she always try to direct me in my biggest decisions in life. lmao when i re-read that phrase, it sounds wrong. my point is, she direct(ed)s me to a path she kno(e)w i don’t(didn’t) want to take. i’m confused how i should write it since it applies to both past & present. 

when i chose my major, it was bcs of her. ik i should never regret my decisions since i’m the one who decided, but from time to time, i can’t refrain from blaming her—inside my head—for making me took this major. 

and now, she’s trying to direct me to a job i don’t want to. 

ppl say “mom knows best” and that’s what i thought when i chose my major. but in the long run, it made me blame her whenever i had a hard time. and i hate it. i don’t want to blame anyone for decisions i’ve made. 

if i have to, i want it to be me, myself, whom i blame. 

i feel like i could do better, i’m forced to do better—to refrain myself from regretting anything, from blaming anything—since it’s a decision i’ve made by myself.

p.s. i don’t hate her

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01.

there’s this one thing i’m highly envious of Meredith—of grey’s anatomy—throughout the entire show.

a person. her person.

every stage of her life, she always has a person—her person. Christina. then Alex. they always have each other. and got each other’s back.

“you’re my person”

perhaps that’s my moST favorite line.

i rly want to have a person, my person. and also b someone’s person. lmao does it sound lame.. and cringe.. i can feel it.. super lame.. and cringey.. but nvm just wanna say it here no one will see anw.

i don’t say i don’t have any friends. i do. i have a few close friends. lol. yes. a few. i never able to keep my inner circle big.

but the thing is, i don’t have anyone i can talk to freely. related to my 00. post, those fears are always in my head. and i’ll end up bottling up everything inside.

it’s hard. and tiring.

i don’t need much. just one person. for me.

i’m not that stupid tho. i do think perhaps it’s just me having extreme trust issues. 

if that’s the case, i just wish for a better me in the future. that eventually, i can open up to someone, and they’ll warmly welcome me, the way i am.

and i can finally feel safe.

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and now i'm told that this is life that pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it would someone care to classify? our broken hearts and twisted minds so i can find someone to rely on and run to them, to them full speed ahead

Paramore, Brand New Eyes, 2009

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00.

with the purpose to at least getting it all out from my chest.

as i get older, i find myself as a individual with a lot of insecurities. but well, who doesn’t?

that being said, i ended up to bury everything with my own self. i find it difficult to open up with ppl, even tho they’re—i guess—my closest friends.

i’ve tried, tho. letting it all out to the open air should be a relief, right? but i ended up feel like a crap.

“why did i say that?”

the fear of them lose interest in what i say, the fear of them belittle my feelings, it all goes in my head endlessly. 

with all this quarantine, stay-at-home going on, i feel i’m starting disconnecting with the world, with my friends.

and i’ve been thinking,

why didn’t i just post everything—getting it all out, from my chest, with no ppl i know irl, reading it, knowing it’s me—here?

this will be the submerged part of the iceberg—my iceberg.

perhaps it’ll be childish, too much, insignificant, but the idea of letting it all out already ease my mind a lil bit.