sublimenutdonut

[sublimenutdonut]

I died today

I don't remember how but

I died today

I had my first date tomorrow but

I died today

I don't feel anything maybe because

I died today

there is a funeral tomorrow because

I died today

I had an exam next week but not now because

I died today

I had nobody but still I miss someone,is it because I died today?

what happens now? I don't know what is feeling is, is it dismay or this is what death feels like?

even if a little bit but somewhere

I died today.

[sublimenutdonut]

I wish I could forget you just to meet you once again for the first time

[sublimenutdonut]

This has been a great journey with you. I hope and pray that in future our paths may once again collide and this time again comes back.

Till then goodbye.

[sublimenutdonut]

Last look

I knew this day would come soon, but never realised it was already in the backyard looking at us and I was just not prepared for which nobody is prepared.

you can be called a liar, a selfish liar , you promised to stay , but here I am same as always , same as before , all alone or maybe I am the real problem , everything I touch either breaks or goes away forever.

you know I have always lived my life in fear that you will one day leave me but now when you have left me forever, I don't feel anything, it like a void in there which cannot be filled by anything, neither food nor people , the only thing now i like is to sleep , might be weird i can sleep all day but it is the only place i can still see you , touch you , so it's reasonable.

I have really fallen in love with you , haven't I..? after all these seasons of denial and now I realise thatI am in love with you, well what's the point of it now when you are not here, what's the point of any of this..? this body , this world , this life , all of the hate residing in it, what's the point of any of these..?

I don't know why but I can't remember your face now . whenever i try to picture you , a dark shadow appears infront of me . maybe I have been thinking you a lot lately so my brain is just playing with me or maybe I am cursed to forget you , well that curse will be ineffective because I can never forget you and i mean how can I!.after all we shared almost all of our moments together whether it was fighting or teasing or taking care of eachother.

I Miss you.

Remember when I told you that, "I don't leave people, they leave me", but never expected from you, maybe you were too good for me anyways.

I may not currently be in a good situation right now but we all know that after some time things will go back the way they were but this time without you . Maybe "without you" is what I'm really scared of , and I mean who wouldn't be after watching their all the plans, dreams of you and all the fantasies turn into dust infront of their eyes.

my life right now is like looking through a monochromatic filter , at one moment everything around is just blank as a pure white art sheet and another moment it like floating through dark black endless space where no one is around for billions of miles, no one to talk to ,no one to look at, no one to tease.

Both these colours play with each other and I can't make the meaning of it all.or maybe all of it has no meaning .

I just realised that I never got a chance to say goodbye, well goodbyes aren't my style anyways. But I miss you, I know it's impossible but please come back, I will make you breakfast, dinner or lunch , whatever you say but come back I just want to see you once more.

Please come back.

[sublimenutdonut]

                 One last letter

Hey, it's been almost six months since you left me alone in this chaotic world, wouldn't lie but it sure is difficult without you. seems like everything has just went out of track somehow, the sun has no idea when to rise or set ,the daylight doesn't want to stay with me and the cold nights don't wish to ever leave me alone feels like winters when it's forty-three degrees out there everyday .

inspite of me trying my best to keep the house in its original state yet no one can maintain as you did . you are not here still i clean your wierd purple coffee mug everyday , nobody uses it but I make sure that it stays clean , your absence has made this a ghost house , the walls appears taller everyday, curtains seems to be hiding something behind them , ceiling appears higher than a day ago , don't even remember the last time i switched on the tv and sat down peacefully to watch our favourite show  , without you its just some people portraying to be someone else as we all are in our everyday lives, if truly speaking then  i never actually liked that show but it was you who i liked spending time with , it was you with whom i liked holding hands and felt like i could walk till eternity with you  ,it was good time we shared ,i thought we had more , but anyways now the tv serves its new purpose as a black mirror.

last week i got back your bracelet form the jewellers ,he did pretty good job of it looks better than new , wish could have put those on your wrist when there was time but now it seems too late. 

you know i feel like apologizing for my every mistake which you made your own  and helped me to get through, you were always there for me but what now...

how am I supposed to live like this, i know that it will become a habit after a point but it's just hard to believe that now it's just me and only me , your absence still hurts me and it makes me feel like crying my soul out but for some unknown reason i can't do that , maybe I'm too old for that.

nowadays time seems stuck between the hour hand and the number three unlike when you used to tell your every problem and i just sat and watched your lips fluttering, your swiftly moving hands describing each sentence. I wish those moments could have lasted a little longer but it just flew away faster than light .

i don't really leave the house now , maybe afraid of people and their unconcludable comments,and maybe they are true that's why they hurt so much

many  have suggested to spend some time socializing, they invite me to parties and i never attended any. i think it's rude but anyways they only invite me because they are afraid that I might do something stupid one day .

I don't know if there is a god or not, i don't know whether this universe is driving itself towards the end or somebody is behind the wheel .

I don't know whether we all are alone in this wildly infinite cosmos but without you i sure have become alone , everything used to have some meaning while you were here but now even if this whole universe,this instant, collapsed into a single point , I do not care about that, this moment all that matters is you and i want to spend rest of this horrible prisoner's life with you and for that even if i have to sell my soul to the devil , I will do that willingly .

Remember we made the promise to never leave eachother's side well I'm not going to let you break that , i promise that we are going to be together again , soon we will walk together holding hands in hands and ' miki matsubara ' singing in the back.

                        goodbye and see you soon