suavecitojay

[suavecitojay]

So today I lost internet, but I think I’m going about it wrong way.

If I want to grow, I need to say okay when or how

To define the person I’m dealing with.

[suavecitojay]

Feeling like I’ve done too much and gotten a little in return but in a way I knew what I was getting myself into and doing I made her feel some type of way and hopefully sparked something in her to realize that I’m not just anyone that I’m more then just a friend. But idk maybe I’m wrong and I’m hopeful for the best. I guess only time will tell.

[suavecitojay]

Sometimes life gets too complicated and overwhelming that you just shut down and don’t think how it can affect those around you the most.. but we all deal with shit in our own way.. I guess you just shut down more than i thought. I worry about you and care about you. But ima give you your space aver que..

[suavecitojay]

6/4/24

Feeling little down. Emotionally. I don’t like that you’re pulling away again and that I seen some guy commenting hearts on your page while you have my car to use. But what comes around goes around I just have to stay strong.

[suavecitojay]

Life

Things are getting funky, with my situation ship.

But I guess that’s just part of life and I need to learn that it’s just life. You can’t control, how the other people feels. Just know that all I done, did it been out of kindness and from my heart, if things end now then it will be what it is, like I said to you. You hold a very special place in my heart. That won’t change does it hurt yes it does, but that’s just part of what makes us human. Your going through things as well that you can’t tell me.

Im not looking to date if this ends, I need time to heal and feel what im going through just focus on myself and my health and work. That’s just who I am. My communication skills have changed but it’s still things I need to learn.

No matter what I’m going to be here for you M.A.V 🩷

Supporting you and rooting for you even it is at a distance and your girls.

3/29/24

[suavecitojay]

3/16

Oh tumblr you’ve been there for me for things I can’t tell others and things I keep bottled in…

What do you do when you have feelings for someone who isn’t ready to date but when you’re together things are different.. evening I’ve done for her and her girls I’ve done because it’s coming from me, I’ve never expected anything back things have just happened.. why now tho because you’ve been more distant. I notice it but I don’t say anything because I already know you’re dealing with your things and that’s how you deal with them.. should I say something? Or just let it be, someone who truly understands you lets you do things on your own because that’s how you deal with them. You just offer to be there.. they aren’t going to fight on why you haven’t talked to cause a fight that’s not how things work. Well not to me.

I just sucks because I want to wait for you, but I feel like you telling me that you don’t want to hold me back is you telling me to let you go and just move on. But I’m not going to go date anyone I’m just literally going to focus on working and making more money… that’s what I do it’s how I cope with things. And the gym which is on my list todo anyways.

I guess I need to focus on other things and not make you a priority but it’s been like this now for a year, you won’t admit it but I know you care more then just a friend. You’re just scared because of all the things you’ve been through…

For now it’s just taking it day by day. What life wants to happen will happen.. if life wants me out of your life or me out of yours then that’s going to be life..

I care for you more than I’ve cared for someone in a long long time but I guess that’s just me.

M❤️

[suavecitojay]

2024 goals

Sell 132 cars hit the yearly bonus

Get back on the gym 5 days a week get to my goal body weight and look.

Stop vaping for good.

Save 120k

Pay off the Amex

Get the new platinum card

Figure out what I’m going to do with the lease either buy it and or get a new one 1000 max payment

Travel to Mexico with family and then once alone or with friends

Take more risks

More content for work

Be happier learn to leave those behind who don’t want to be in my life.

Date I’m not getting any younger

[suavecitojay]

Things are better but still feel off. But I think it’s me more then anything.

I think it’s me in my mind that’s getting to me along with things that are going on at work and at home.

I need to figure out how to get out of my head. And just do what I need to do.

Besides that another of my friends just disappeared again

[suavecitojay]

Life is getting better, the feelings are still there somewhat. Things are up and down but that’s normal giving the circumstances.

Im just going along with things and seeing where they go.

But I’m also putting myself out there. So I can heal myself and see what’s out there too.

I don’t want to say too much but just letting the course so what is supposed todo.

For now just focusing on my work, myself and the gym

[suavecitojay]

Update, things seem better but still little confused on things. Not sure we’re we stand but getting photos and the calls are nice but not the same I feel like I’m changing too.

I feel like you want something but then again don’t. Then posting the indirects to someone. I’m not dumb either but that’s your life.

I feel like I’m just taking care of you and that’s all but In the end well see we shall see what happens

For now I’m just here waiting to see where things go.

[suavecitojay]

Feeling like something is about to change. Not sure what it is but something is definitely coming!

What ever it is I’m ready I feel like..

Had to do something hard already and push someone away who was draining me and my energy all they do is complain and complain. Finally had to put my foot down and put a stop to it. I’m not here for it anymore especially when they went behind my back and talked crap about me. That’s something I’m not about..

Maybe it’s something to do with that! We’ll see.

[suavecitojay]

Days go by and no more phone calls and honestly I gets easier. But know this isn’t forever it’s just temporary. But it’s part of the process. My heart still pumps fast when we text and I wake up at different times of the night and think.. I should of never looked, but nothing I can do about that either just learn not to do that again and also just give you your space. Eventually one of two things will happen. You will either stop texting me or we talk and when we do we have to talk about everything. Because I what I feel isn’t something I’d like to keep inside.. I feel used and like a sucker. I still wish you well and I hope you don’t need me just for the money aspect but as a friend and as a man. I was different and you know that. Deep down inside you know that…

[suavecitojay]

Tonight we drink to remember the good things and the bad we celebrate the things we can’t control!

Cheers 💔

[suavecitojay]

Writing is something I have to do more of since that’s one way I can let everything out I feel inside. I don’t have anyone really close to me to let them because the last person we kind of crossed the line.

Social media doesn’t help and my work doesn’t help because I have a lot of free time I get to look and distract myself and I find things out that hurt me..

I just have to stay strong and do what I need to do for myself and no one else. My time will come I can’t lose that hope ever because that’s who I am

Being a good man having my shit together. Isn’t for everyone and that’s something I need to understand that.

I just haven’t lose it either I have to stay focused changes are coming at work and for myself I can see that.

[suavecitojay]

As I stand here writing this. My mind is still wondering. But it’s true what they say things get better we’ll easier. I hurt myself myself by looking but it’s part of the process. I’ll be okay and that’s it

[suavecitojay]

Feelings, trying to get out of my head on my down time. It hard but it’s something I have to do. It’s not even about her or anything’s it’s me. It’s my own feelings and thoughts. It had been such a long time since I’ve been in my head since I’ve been focused on my work and goals. But now I’m starting to feel like in a way I’m burnt out. But like not overall just my mind. It’s like I feel it’s the same shit different day which is not true. I have to get out of my mind it’s not good for me or anything.

Besides that it’s day by day things are good I can’t complain

[suavecitojay]

9/26/23

Still felling some type of way. Just when I was thinking/feeling better. Things happen and we talk. I’m not sure but I kind of feels like she is confused on what she wants but then ago she made me feel like an 2nd option but then we never really defined what we were..

I feel like this has a lot to do with her and how she feels from things of her past that she hasn’t dealt with or she all she knows..

Social media doesn’t help me because the algorithm just shows things that mess with my mind. But I have to stay strong. Because that’s who I am. I know my worth and what I bring to the table.

I just sucks because I know that there is/was something there. She just never really gave me that opportunity.

I hope she can do the right thing and it means cutting me out of her life then that’s her choice I’m not going to fight for it because we can’t force anything. Especially with relationships. They won’t workout.

But part of me hopes she chooses me and gives her self fully to me. I know her I know her personality I know things that upset her and thing make her happy her goals and aspirations and how much she cares for her girls.

But I guess time will tell..