stupidmental
rants n whatever
this is where i scream into the void about my mental illness, my family, my relationships, whatever.tw for literally everything.i’m an adult with a therapist, chill.
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my insecurities and chronic lateness ruined everything - again ❤️
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first semester: 4.0
second semester: 0.0
third semester: 3.0
but bc i failed the stupidest classes i have to retake them… i think i’ll un-alive myself instead
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had a big fight with my friend and now i’m very sad :( that’s all
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i hâte myself and i hâte my skin and i hâte the people around me and i hate everyone i hâte the dirty air i hâte the noise i hâte feeling i hâte tasting i hâte all my sense i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hâte and i’ll never stop until i end myself
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it’s that time of the day/night when i decide to either stay up or go to sleep idk what to choose
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like i’ve offered to help him look for jobs, i’ve offered to help him look at classes, i’ve offered to help him look at therapists. nothing. why do i even bother?
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plus he’s doing the same exact thing as when we started dating. it was only for an 8 month stint where he took a course and got a full time job. now he’s back to teaching music lessons part time. and he seems fine with that. he lives with his parents and plays league/wow all day when he’s off.
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which is funny bc he saw a post abt like “i’d kill myself if i never had sex” (not mine) and showed it to me and was like…. “i can’t imagine feeling this way.” i said “hmm” and he was like “what? seriously? you’d rather die than not have sex?” and it’s like… yeah.
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just like… his inability to perform has been an issue the entire 6 years. he won’t work on it. he’s been telling me he’ll get a new therapist for the last year and a half and he still hasn’t. i’m the one who has to initiate sex, initiate sexting, initiate even just general conversations around sex. i bring up a kink and he shuts it down. i send a picture and he says two words about it and goes back to playing league. i need sex/sexual connection to feel loved and i can’t keep living like this. i’d rather die than live without sex for the rest of my life.
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