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[storiesthroughsongs-blog]

Wait for It

TW: Talk of death, suicidal ideations

obviously this is a song that I care about because I got it tattooed. I didn’t even know this song last year, it wasn’t a song that I have been singing since middle school, that I had on my ipod touch in 6th grade. But it’s a song that the message resides with how I got myself through a lot. And I didn’t realize that this song meant what it meant to me until after I got it tattooed, I just new it meant something, it stuck with me but I didn’t exactly know why. I remember sitting in my room at home in middle school or highschool or both, it happened multiple times, with my back against the door. Thinking is this all really fucking worth it, what am I to this fucking world but a fucking speck. There is no reason I am still dealing with this house, these people, and this life. But the one thing that I would think of was, I have to be here for some reason right? I understand the world is made up of random relationships and people are created by accident but if I am here isn't there a purpose I am supposed to serve that I just haven't gotten to yet? Its something that whenever the voices in my head scream that my existence is useless, that I am useless, I think about how I have to be here for a reason. I am meant to be, maybe it's for the work I will do, maybe it's for the people I will meet, the person I will fall in love with but there has to be some reason. When the loneliness hits me, which has happened to often to count in the last few months, all I tell myself is I just have to wait for it to pass, because it always passes. And it will leave and come back over and over just as strong as before and this is what gets me though. I don't believe in god, or a higher power, but I do believe in being in the right place at the right time. You are where you need to be in this moment because it's where you are meant to be. As idiotic as it sounds, I guess I believe everyone has a path. But looking at what Burr says when he talks about where he is in his life, “I am the one thing in life I can control, I am inimitable, I am an original, I'm not falling behind or running late, I'm not standing still I am lying in wait” and then goes on to say “If there's a reason he seems to thrive when so few survive then goddamnit I'm willing to wait for it… If there's a reason I'm still alive when so many have died, I'm willing to wait for it”, this is the mindset that is the reason I am still here. To put it bluntly, without that way of thinking, I would be dead, I would be gone, and there is no doubt in my mind. I still get this way, even today, everytime I feel like I dont have a place to go, that my safeplace is gone, I feel this emptiness. Emptiness that tells me that I probably don't mean much to people, that getting over me would be easy, and that my life isn't as important as most. It's the thought that just like life isn't permanent, neither is this feeling and that my head is lying to me. The belief that there is something out there that I haven't gotten to yet that will leave me feeling fulfilled, I can't give up right now, I have to wait for it to come. This song, although not a song I have known for a long time affirms the message that got me through the abuse I dealt with and the numbness that I feel up until literally tonight. Its message is true, I'm not in the wrong place, I am where I need to be, this feeling is temporary and will pass, things will be okay, I am the only one I can control and I can get through this. And so can you.

[storiesthroughsongs-blog]

Drops of jupiter

TW: Talk of death

this is a song that I have known for a while now, it's a simple song that for some reason when I first listened to it I really held on to the lyrics without really knowing why. In my head it's about loss, someone who lost a friend that was like family, and this person they lost was always looking for something outside of their bubble. I knew this song in high school, have definitely said it was my favorite song once or twice, but I never had a person in mind for the person who was lost in this song. When I was in college I went iceskating and this song came on, I have to say it was my freshman year, 2015/2016, I listened the the words once again “so tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet, did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day, and head back to the milky way, tell me did venus blow your mind, was it everything you wanted to find and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there”, and thought of B. My senior year of high school my sister's best friend  went missing, 40+ days in the middle of the winter, and he was found dead. I never had my sister without this man, I had never known life without B. I was 17, he was in his 20’s and in the last few years diagnosed with schizophrenia, he was in and out of mental health facilities. My sister had saved his life multiple times, and this was the one time that she did get to. B’s search history on his computer about “how to live of the grid”, he didnt want to be in out hometown around people he grew up with anymore. B wanted to leave and thought that this was the right time, I dont think death was the ultimate goal, I just know that the place he was, his “home” was not the place he wanted to be. So maybe his death gave him what he wanted, a release, maybe he wanted to dance along the light of day, but he left behind a lot of people who cared for him. I had a lot of people around me die growing up, but never someone who I remember as well as B, not someone who was young and a constant in my life like B was. And the part that I hate the most is that I didnt realize how much his presence had an impact on my life until he was gone. I can still hear his laugh, and see his smile. He taught me that people arent permanent, life can be taken faster than you can make memories. And B is a large reason why I am still here today because his life was cut short and what a waste it would be for me not to live when he wasnt given the chance to. The man should have been graduated from college with a degree right now. So I hope he found what he was looking for.