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Stop planting your flowers in other people’s gardens if you know they aren’t going to water them.

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the famous mormon ‘gay man but married to a woman and happy’ couple is getting divorced and apologizing for the damage they did 20gayteen is so strong

http://www.joshweed.com/2018/01/turning-unicorn-bat-post-announce-end-marriage/.html

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William therefore felt predisposed to like Vimes, if only because of the type of enemies he made, but as far as he could see everything about the man could be prefaced by the word ‘badly’, as in -spoken, -educated and -in need of a drink.

Pratchett, Terry. The Truth: (Discworld Novel 25) (Discworld series) (p. 113). Transworld. Kindle Edition.

Everyone loves Sam. 

(via trotzkopfwrites)

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Headcanon: Jane Foster Saves The Universe

Ever since I saw Thor: Ragnarok (which I loved SO MUCH), all I’ve been able to think about is that one throwaway line that explained away Jane Foster’s absence. It really steams my clams that we had this awesome scientist who was as awkward and earnest as any of us dorks, who humanized a bratty space prince and never compromised herself or her work, and they erased her with a single line about her dumping Thor—like it explained anything. Like, she tore apart the stars looking for him for three years, and suddenly she’s like “Peace out, girl scout”? I can’t see her giving up him and their life together—which they fought for—for anything.

After a lot of angry mumbling to myself and singing along to sad 90s ballads in my car, I realized exactly what must have happened.

Odin happened.

The All-Father himself shows up on Jane’s doorstep at like 6 in the morning on a random Tuesday, wearing a ratty bathrobe and in serious need of a bath and beard trim. She suddenly feels better about the fact that she’s not wearing a bra under her shirt.

It’s actually Thor’s shirt.

“They evacuated the nursing home and I slept under a bridge before I recalled that you resided in the next town over” is a sentence she never expected to come out of the mouth of a veritable god, and yet here they are. Instead of asking the many questions she has (most of them starting with “what” and “the fuck”), she hustles him inside and gets him seated on the couch with a mug of the really good coffee (sent weekly by Tony Stark, because “minds like ours need high test, pangolin, you’ll see what I’m talking about”).

“At least you Midgardians can do one thing right,” Odin rumbles and drains his coffee in a single go, because like father like son, and the son is a champion mead drinker on several worlds. It physically pains Jane to give Odin any more of it, because it comes by the ounce and not by the can, and it’s going to be another six days before her next coffee delivery arrives.

Odin asks if they can watch The Price Is Right. The nursing home had him follow a pretty strict routine and he hates deviating from it.

Seriously, what.

While Drew Carey explains the rules of Lucky Seven to contestant Linda, who has the chance to win a new truck if she’s left holding a dollar by the end of the game, Jane finally can’t hold it in anymore and blurts out that Thor isn’t there. “He’s gone this week. Hunting for more Infinity Stones. You know. Since the thing with Malekith, we’ve been searching for more. But he should be back by Friday.”

Odin nods sagely and says that Linda should choose 4 as her next guess.

This is the man who once compared her to a goat. Now he’s yelling at the TV because Linda picked 9.

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i have no words

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“You know how stuff runs in families? Blue eyes, buck teeth, that sort of thing? Well, Death runs in my family. I remember things that haven’t happened yet and I can TALK THAT TALK and stalk that stalk and…if he gets sidetracked, then I’ll have to do it. And he does get sidetracked.” 

-Susan Sto Helit

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A post shared by Daniel Bungay (@cowabungay_dude)

WAT

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James Potter was so lucky his best friend could turn into a dog it’s all the beauty of having a pet with none of the responsibility 

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airline customer service: hello this is SAS how can i help me: ok so i booked a flight with you just now and i’d like to reserve a space for my pet in the cargo hold, i’m bringing a cockatiel SAS: (audibly worried) uh… uhm… i’m not sure we can… transport that kind of um… pet? me: oh, huh? i did ring to check before i booked and the guy on the phone said it’d be fine? SAS: (”dealing with unhinged customers” voice) uh. ok. well, i guess i can try to check… just give me some cage dimensions. how big is its cage me: well i got him a teeny tiny travel cage, so… 50x30x30, at most SAS: centimeters?? me: yeah? is there a problem? SAS: can you tell me exactly how big is this crocodile??? me: COCKATIEL SAS: …OH

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i say this like once a month but modern artemis would absolutely be a country butch lesbian wearing aviator shades and a messy ponytail and a camo jacket and hunting boots, she’s in a bigass silver truck with a deer skull mounted on the front, she’s got her gold shotgun next to her and there’s like 10 girls in the back of the truck with beers and she’s doing donuts in the bass pro shops parking lot blasting like dixie chicks

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my gymspiration for 2018

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where will they live?

inspired by this post

a while ago i wrote this as a thank you to someone who was very kind, and helped me out when i was in a tough spot. they were nice enough to give me permission to share it with all of you, so -

a fish may love a bird, but where will they live?

~

when runhilda was just a hatchling, a little boy with big eyes fed her bread and called her pretty even before she was. he always had bruises on his face and arms, and his clothes hung off him, but he always had soft words for her, always gave her his bread crusts even though he needed them more than she did.

when runhilda is older, and goes by runa, she throws off her coat of feathers and steps from the river onto the land. she towers over the teenage boy, stretching past six feet with flowing white-blonde hair and her arms and thighs like tree trunks. “you need this more than i do,” she tells him generously.

he looks on in confusion as she takes her coat of feathers and wraps it around his shoulders. he transforms into graceful, powerful swan. he transforms into a something that can fly away from his miserable life.

“give it back to me one day,” she says, “when you don’t need it anymore.”

she pats him on the head, and he gently nips her hand before he opens his wings and takes to the sky.

runa watches him go wistfully. she’ll miss her wings, but she’s never had legs before and she’s eager to take them for a spin.

~

she tracks down the boy’s mother who’d been so cruel to him, and no one is ever ready for a giant naked woman to burst into their pub and start yelling at them, but runa still thinks she screamed too much. she’d threatened the woman with everything from a sound beating to dire legal action, and she and her husband leave town with nothing more than the clothes on their backs.

this has worked out for runa nicely. she thinks running a pub could be fun. she goes upstairs, and none of the tiny woman’s ridiculous clothes will fit her, obviously, so she goes through the husband’s closet. she thinks she looks rather dashing in trousers and suspenders and a crisp white button up. she puts a newsboy cap over her curly mass of hair for good measure, and winks at herself in the mirror. this being human thing is off to an excellent start.

then she goes downstairs and realizes she’s scared off the staff and patrons. the patrons she’s not too worried about this. this is dublin, and no one even died. as long as the alcohol keeps flowing, they’ll be back.

as for the staff ….

she goes to the river and recruits as many curious sisters as she can. she walks back to her pub with her arms laden with feather coats and a dozen gorgeous naked women all as tall as she is trailing behind her.

excellent.

~

the seamstress adores them, since most of her sisters prefer the pretty, full bodied dresses that many of the human women wear, and they all have to be custom made to fit their large shoulders and thick waists. runa sticks to her trousers and shirts, and acquires a collection of newsboy hats.

her pub quickly gains a reputation, as it should. it’s staffed by beautiful women who have no problem with ending a bar fight personally, and physically throwing the offenders on to the street. there’s a strict look, but don’t touch policy that all of the patrons take advantage of, running their eyes over the beautiful barmaids. of course, quite a few human men and women catch her sisters’ eyes, and more than one dazed and pleased human has left their pub half dressed in the mornings.

no one catches runa’s attentions, until a slim woman with dark skin and dark eyes takes a corner table in the pub. she’s in an opulent grey dress, and her hair is carefully pinned into an elegant style, with a glittering necklace around her throat. no woman as wealthy as this one should be in runa’s establishment, or if she is she shouldn’t look miserable about it.

“here,” her sister pushes two mugs full to the brim into her hands. runa glares at her, but she’s already turned away. she resents the implication that she’s that transparent.

she still walks over to the woman and sits across from her, pressing the drink into her hands. she looks startled, but not upset, so runa leans her elbow halfway across the table and asks, “What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?”

she smiles back, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. runa’s filled with a determination to have her smile like she means it.

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Never has a meme so accurately depicted my career as a marketer. Seriously, don’t go into marketing. The people you work for just suck the life out of you

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My uncle once won first place in a lying contest, and I feel like this is a rare true story that needs to be told. So here it is.

My family, for as long as I can remember, has had these “adopted uncles” who are my mom and dad’s friends from college/highschool. There’s like five of them, and none of them are related to us. They are awesome, fun guys, and I’m best friends with their daughters (of the ones that have kids). I love hanging out with them, and when I do, I hear lots of hilarious stories that they and my Dad love to recollect whenever they’re together.

My uncles are interesting guys, and there are a lot of interesting stories. One of them is part of Switchfoot, one of them hung out with Taylor Swift on several occasions, and one worked on the Power Rangers. It’s all very interesting. But I think one of the funniest stories they’ve told me, far from meeting celebrities, or getting lost in the woods, or luring bears into their campsite (yep, they did that) is how one of them (let’s call him S) won a lying contest. This is how it went:

S and my dad, and some of his friends decided to go up into the mountains for a day. They drove up the winding roads, pine trees flashing past their windows, singing to Tom Petty the whole way. My dad and S have a great sense of humor, and I’m sure they were both in a laughable mood.

When they got to their destination, they saw a large banner over the road that read “Annual Lying Contest.” I kid you not. This little town in the piney mountains was so devoid of excitement that they legiterally hosted a Lying Contest every year.

My dad and S thought this was the FUNNIEST thing they had ever seen. They HAD to go watch the contest take place. They pulled into the parking lot, found their way to the stage, and asked someone about what was happening.

Apparently, the lying contest is an annual contest put on by the city, to see who had the most believable lie. Contestants would spend months coming up with elaborate lies, that were sure to convince people in the crowd. At the end, the judges would rank the lies on most convincing to least convincing. The winner of the contest recieved a home baked pie, and some other prize. Some of these lies could take fifteen minutes or more (remember this).

So anyways, S and my dad found a seat, and were ready to hear some lies. Later, my dad told me that it was hilarious to watch. There were lies about Bigfoot sightings, about bear wrestlings, army experiences, ghost hauntings, and more. My dad and S were cracking up the whole time, while marveling at how unique the demographic of the town was to enjoy something like this.

Finally, the last contestant stepped down from the stage after a 20 minute elaborate lie about an alien abduction. The judges took a sweeping look over the crowd, and spoke loudly into the microphone; “are there any other contestants?”

Before my dad could stop him, S stood up and raised his hand.

“Well, come up sir!” 

S climbed the steps to the stage. He looked over the crowd seriously, and desperately tried to come up with a lie in time. His mind was blank. Empty. But S had no shame, and I’ve known him long enough to know this was 100% something he would do. The man throws himself into every awkward situation ever.

He took a step towards the microphone. His hands were clasped in front of him. He looked around at the people watching, the trees surrounding them, and said in his most serious voice into the mic;

“I was born a fish.”

That was it. The audience lost it. There was no build up, no elaborate detail, no story behind the lie. Just 1 ½ seconds, and he had told his entire lie. It was hilariously short, and there was no plot holes, or inconsistencies. Just purely, seriously, “I was born a fish.”

S left the stage in the midst of roaring laughter, as the audience, judges, and my dad tried to contain themselves. It was one of his proudest moments, that one second lie.

And guess what? He won first place.

First. Place.

A true inspiration, imo.

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BOOKSHOP DRUNK [source]

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(via The Uncomfortable Tea Set | theuncomfortable.com)