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I was hurting, with daggers in my back

I didn't think to consider the daggers I was hurling at others

While I was in pain

I will not guilt myself into a healthier mind

I forgive myself for the vitriol I have spewed, to those I love, to strangers, to friends

To myself

For now I will rest, forgive, and prepare myself for the work ahead

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When I disappear from everyone's life, I hope no one utters the words "I wish I knew". You did. And no one cares until you're cold in the ground.

I have expressed myself fully to the people I love. I am drowning. I cannot do this anymore. I am miserable. This life is not the life I wanted. I can't wait to be worm food

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I don't know how to stop taking things so personally. I don't know how to feel safe in my own skin.

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I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to kill myself lately and just be 31 forever. I have spent all year telling myself that I will make my birthday something special, and now I feel like that hope has been dashed.

Phillip booked two shows the week of my birthday, the day of my actual birthday his company has a platform migration. I don't have a car right now or a job. Things are bleak and I am tired. It was one of the things that kept me going this year. I kept telling myself, "I'll keep going, I'll make my birthday special."

Anyway, I hope I can find a reason to stick around. I feel like everyone would be better off if I weren't though.

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It's hard not to feel like a waste of life when all I have done is work against the brain I got, which is always trying to kill me

I want to be normal so desperately. I want to accomplish tasks and wake up and have a latte and be able to create and work and do something

I want to use the good parts of my brain. But the bad parts are so loud I can barely focus

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I am not surprised anymore by the lack of consideration. I am not surprised or disappointed for being shown time and time again where the priorities lie.

One day I will be happy and thriving and you'll wonder what went wrong. Because you won't be there to see it

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It feels as though I will never get justice for the crimes committed against my heart

I am angry for myself, and hurt

I truly believe that most men will never truly lose anything or be held accountable for their misgivings

The richest men in our world share the same filthy face as my abusers

My body is a crime scene I can never escape, I have lost so many pieces of myself

I think about how much pain I have gone through to remain sexually active, putting my body through hell so I may function normally

Years of therapy, medication, hospitalization, surgeries and self medication

All so I can still be neglected, used, and cheated on

It is so empty in this world for women

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"I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone."

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One day, we will be kissing under the moonlight

And everything will make sense

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I asked for a necklace, to remind me you care

I asked for some sand, so the waves we could share

I asked for love letters, to peer into your soul

The things I have asked have taken their toll

And now here I sit

Empty neck, craving the beach

How long must I wait before to someone else I must reach?

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Videodrome (1983), dir. David Cronenberg

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Debbie Harry × H.R. Giger (1981)

© Chris Stein

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Donald Roeser & Eric Bloom (Blue Öyster Cult)

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