stillmonica

[stillmonica]

SPN Countdown - S11E10 “The Devil in the Details” | Ⓢ Ⓞ Ⓞ Ⓝ

[stillmonica]

[stillmonica]

[stillmonica]

I can't help but feel like I'm in the process of drowning. You know those dramatic cinematic shots of a person underwater just kind of existing there? Their arms extended, legs dangling, and their hair giving the illusion of floating...there are bubbles coming out of their mouth so you know they're alive, but won't be for long if they don't start kicking and showing proof of life? I'm at the moment right before the kick, I can feel it. I just need to keep fighting.

[stillmonica]

Lucifer - Promotional Still Episode 1.09 - “A Priest Walks into a Bar"  airing Monday, March 21 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX.

[stillmonica]

Defeating Depression...or at least trying to

Feeling a little down today. The rain doesn’t help!! I slept for over 10 hours last night. My depression definitely makes me oversleep a lot and yet I’m always tired. Just a little while ago, I started feeling absolutely terrible. I was angry, I was sad, I was frustrated, and I was unmotivated. Instead of letting those feelings completely take control, I decided I would go on the treadmill, even if it were just for 25 minutes. It seemed to work! Even though exercise is gross, I guess I can see why people say it helps. Otherwise, I would have put on a mindless show and watched it like a zombie while I ate junk food. 

Now I am going to get my homework done for tomorrow and get some of my assistantship work done. Being in grad school is so bittersweet for me. While it’s not often, I do feel motivated to the point where I think I can do anything in the world. I love what I study and I am so fortunate to be in this program. Unfortunately, finding motivation these days is becoming more and more difficult. But I am addicted to those moments of motivation and the feeling of being completely in control of my future and what I choose to do with it. It’s those fleeting feelings that keep me going; I can only hope that it’s enough. 

[stillmonica]

[stillmonica]

Season 10: A Very Supernatural Special

[stillmonica]

[stillmonica]

Defeating Depression...Supposedly.

I’m a little behind on my schedule today, BUT I did exercise for 50 minutes which is something I haven’t done in a very long time. I alternated between walking and running on the treadmill. My legs hurt and I’m sweating, but I guess this is the painful path to feeling better about myself. I can’t say that I’m really pumped right now and feeling super fantastic about myself. 

Why can’t I be like those people who love exercising? Are those people even real? Are they lying to us about getting a kick out of working their body so hard that it’s painful and they are sweating? Maybe it’s a necessary lie or a lie we tell ourselves, but either way...those people seem happy and I’m not. There has to be some value to that and I hope I can get there one day. 

Now I am off to the store to try and get some stuff for a salad and to finally get my coffee. This is new for me since I hate going out in public. I feel that people look at me and think that I am ugly and that it bothers them that I’m even there. As a logical and educated person, I realize that is preposterous, but as a person who deals with depression and serious low self-esteem, it’s a real fear. 

I am going to try and ignore that today and move on. 

One step at a time. Right? 

[stillmonica]

Jared Padalecki - Supernatural GagReel, Season 6

[stillmonica]

I love you both. We love you more.

[stillmonica]

I’m guilty of thinking this way. I think that if I lose weight, I will be pretty and that people will like me. I guess I have to learn to like me before I can get anyone else to. Why can’t I like myself the way that I am? Take away any unnecessary pounds, and I will still be me. I’m not a bad person at all, yet I hate myself. Fighting this feeling is so difficult. I need to try harder to stop being so hard on myself. I would tell anyone else in the world that they are beautiful and important no matter what, but why can’t I take my own advice? The answer has to be there.

[stillmonica]

Depression be gone!

I’ve been feeling pretty alone today, but I am also hopeful. I am hoping that tomorrow I can stick to the schedule that I made for myself. I’m so behind on school work and I need to start exercising more. It’s just hard to get out of the house. I don’t have much planned for tomorrow, but I need to take it one step at a time, apparently. Hoping for the best!